I like casting things. I've nailed down bridesmaids with no plans for an actual bride [I'm intensely annoying in eternal doses, haphazardly picky w/r/t mate-selection, and slightly insane], I cast my favorite childhood novels for "fun" [subsequently I rarely approved of castings when these books were actually made into movies, though I applauded Winona Ryder as Jo March] because I am a dork and that's what dorks do for fun when they're too young to drive and computers haven't been invented yet. I'd take Major League Baseball All-Star team ballots home with me from games, copy them, and delight in selecting multiple dream teams, over and over again, again -- for "fun." I've made imaginary programs for Woodstock '93, a "Stars of U.S. Women's Gymnastics" World Tour and at the age of 9 had already scoped out my imaginary Super Sweet Sixteen (New Kids on the Block would open for Paul McCartney, obviously).
And so, although there are many reasons why I'd never want to be President of the U.S. -- I've got too many anxiety issues, I couldn't handle being disliked by at least 50% of the country's citizens 'cause I'm hard enough on myself without a CNN/Gallup poll to remind me how bad I suck at my job -- I really would like to cast my own Inaugural Ceremony! Well, I'd also enjoy presidential perks like fancy foods, the library, and the opportunity to help people. But mostly I want to cast the ceremony.
[Sidenote: We're now entering that black hole time known as L Word Season, when all my intelligent brain cells are zapped by a terrible terrible television program. But srsly I'll do my best to blog & write regularly and reasonably well. Clearly I've been braindead since Wednesday, and this is what I've come up with today. I know. I know! Waa.]
10. Musical Selection #1
Obama will begin his program, which I believe takes place in the freezing cold, with some kind of cheesy patriotic medley starring the The United States Marine Band followed by the San Francisco Boys Chorus and the San Francisco Girls Chorus. I've read up on these groups and they're clearly excellent selections however no contest, hands down totes I'd pick the kids from the Ron Clark Academy, who wrote and performed the genius "You Can Vote However You Like" song during election season, which I saw on YouTube and on CNN and I said: "This is the best video I've ever seen on YouTube." True story.
I guess I don't have a choice about the welcoming remarks and call to order, I think Senator D-Fen automatically wins that position, but if I could choose, I'd clearly pick Judge Judy.
I cannot possibly improve on Obama's standout selection of Rick Warren, Passionate Preacher Lover of All Peoples. Honestly I'd prefer Jeremiah Wright -- in lieu of quality, I accept a good spectacle and counter-protest. Although I have nothing but respect for Rick's opinion that my lifestyle is similar to pedophilia, I might personally choose someone completely different. I mean that. Like the complete opposite of Rick Warren, maybe.
I'm a Jew, doest that make it complicated? Let's be honest, I've got no clue wtf an invocation is. Does anyone know? I pick Harold S. Kushner, Rabbi Extraordinaire and author of "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People," which I became briefly obsessed with because all these bad things kept happening to me and I had a lot of turmoil about maybe deserving them.
7. Musical Selection #2
Aretha Franklin: nice. Howevs, I gotta switch it up, can't have the same performer twice. Wouldn't it be funny if Tegan & Sara played at my inauguration? Everyone would think it was A Double Shot at Love and then get confused, 'cause most people in the world, much to my dismay, are not Tegan & Sara fans, but do absorb random bits of information about queer sets of twins and then get all confused in their mind. Also just realized that T&S are Canadian, which makes them poor candidates. Still though I bet you guys would all come.
Maybe Prince or Joni Mitchell.
6. Musical Selection #3
Obama picked John Williams, the prestigious composer of the Star Wars theme song. That's fine, Williams is really good at scoring music for movies, has won every award ever, etc. and he picked Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo Ma, Gabriela Montero and Anthony McGill to play the instruments which is a solid selection.
Is Williams gonna write an Obama Theme Song? Like the score for Obama's presidency? I hope so.
He should make a film score that plays in the background during every State of the Union. How cool would that be? Almost as cool as having the students from the Ron Clark Academy ALSO performing at the end of every SOTU. Or if we could just watch West Wing.
Anyhow. I pick Phillip Glass. I don't know what kind of instruments he'd want to use, so I'd leave that part up to him too. I like to outsource my details.
5. Inaugural Address -- I'd actually stick with Obama's choice of Obama. He would clearly make your eyes water, right? Whatever I could do, he could do better. Plus I have all these weird tics, like how I'm always trying to get a particular knot out of my back, I touch my nose a lot, and I laugh with my entire body. If I can see my hair, I'm constantly touching it, and if I see a mirror or a screen, I have to make funny faces. That's why I avoid mirrors constantly, to like a bizarre degree. Anyhow watch yourself in enough videos and you'll see how annoying you are. Meanwhile watch Obama. Besides the occasional overpause, that dude does not annoy me. Not at all! I've listened to him talk a lot and I'm not annoyed.
He picked Elizabeth Alexander, that's cool.
Ok ... basically I've had to come up with answers to all the other ones on this topic just because I felt like talking about how I would like to have a big public ceremony with Stephen Dunn somehow involved. Perhaps a Sweet Sixteen is in order.
The Reverend Dr. Joseph E. Lowery will be performing this function, whatever it is. I feel like this is another religious spot requiring a religious leader of some sort.
I'd like a Tibetan Buddhist perhaps. I'm open to suggestions. It'd be hot if I could get the entire National Mall to meditate.
2. The National Anthem by the United States Navy Band "Sea Chanters"
I think this is another no-pick spot. Sea Chanters? What's that. The only anthem I need is "Umbrella."
1. Big Party
Obama's party is really super hip. The first ever Neighborhood Inaugural Ball? I want to live in Beyonce, Mary J. Blige, Mariah Carey, Jay-Z, Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder's neighborhood. Where is that oh Los Angeles. Sigh. I wonder if Cat Stevens would come if we invited him. My brother and I both invited Chris Weber to our Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, I also invited Claire Danes, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Bill Clinton. None of them showed or sent money.
I'm going to Los Angeles on Wednesday for a thing. So if you want advice from the fabulous H&R advice column this time we're going to turn the sound on for sure when we're recording, so you'll get your advice soon, especially 'cause I've been too ridiculously scattered and busy lately to write anything (clearly). Email email@example.com! Also when you do I think it helps to be as brief as possible, it helps us to get your answer as rapidly as possible and be sure to cover all the imperative bases on the spot.
I know it sounds sort of cheesy, but I think teevee is the opposite of poetry. I will be obligated to monitor this divide/balance over the next eight weeks, probably will need to read extra poetry.
Who would you cast?