Friday, January 09, 2009

Eight Reasons Why Not & Brain Liveblog: The Stars Kept Marching,

I feel like I've become 50% human, 20% dancer and 30% sodium. I've been thinking about opening a vein. I've decided to talk crazy because this week a much-larger-than usual percentage of my readers have never read this blog before, which's funny. Do you like it? It's weird, kinda. There's no news here. You'll have to check out the other nine for anything remotely relevant. It's like a pageant. Today is Day SIX: SWIMWEAR Bikini Day. Whenever I say the word "blog" I envision: 1. a swamp, 2. a purse. [1. Sometimes instead of talking myself through a brief period of anxiety or nervousness, I just have some vodka. It's just that it's quicker.] I don't know why I keep trying to turn numbers into humans. I'm eating sodium as we speak. Canned soup contains sodium. Things have been happening very quickly lately.

Are you reading the Book Club Book yet? Just asking, not nagging. Mommy's not mad. We'll discuss after Valentine's Day. You can download it online for free, or buy it, 'cause it's hot and comes with condoms. [2. If you don't read books regularly, I am judging you. I mean I'm so not judgmental about most things. Well -- it's not that I judge negatively necessarily, it's just that it's something I will absolutely take into account when I file your final overall evaluation (the same kinds all humans make of other humans)] [3. Today at the gym I stayed an extra ten minutes on the elliptical to finish watching True Life: I'm Moving to Vegas.]

I read some good stuff today. Wanna read it? Ok:
- Diary of a Self-Help Dropout: Flirting with the 4-Hour Workweek - the freelancer's time management quandry: "My days are like eBay shipments: a few tangible things and a whole lot of packing peanuts. I obviously need help being the boss of me." (@wired)
- If the New York Times dies, does news die? (@venture beat)
- Look! An awesome AfterEllen shout-out for voting Autowin! and Grace the Spot ! and others! Go look.
- The Gayest. Real World. Ever. (@queerty) and also on that topic is the excellent Getalong Gang (@fourfour)
- This is really fascinating, you should really read it, one of the most interesting things I've read in months, so it's gonna be the last one - Letter from Japan: I Heart Novels (@the new yorker)

I asked my brother if he notices every time it's 11:14 and he said no. I don't get it, that's all I can think about it for two minutes every day, and those are two particular minutes that I am ALWAYS awake for, since I rarely go to bed before midnight or wake up after 11.

Isn't it weird how mean everyone is to everyone about what time you wake up? It's like if you say "I woke up at one," it's so shameful. In our arbitrary virtually "real" world, we hold onto these small excuses to evaluate the fuzzy fuzzy faces of our friends.

[4.I am fascinated by the extensive facebook photo archives of complete strangers. I am fascinated by a world that encourages and enforces such imagery as inherently public forum fodder. I do it too. Which is also fascinating.]

I had a friend who used to write song lyrics in her notebook all day, like to Tori Amos and Grateful Dead and Indigo Girls songs, just transcribe the memorized lyrics from her brain to the page I guess. I liked to doodle dark hard lines.

[5. When I was super young, before I understood death really, I was sometimes shamefully jealous that Anne Frank got her's published.]

[6: I leave water bottles everywhere.]

[7: I wash utensils last, I don't like how the metal gets hot and burns my hands, because in all other circumstances my hands are immune to heat and burning, I'm not into kryptonite.]

[8: I know we're all supposed to be cutting back on lattes and magazines, but those are the only two things I really need.]

++
Eric Mathew made this for me, do you like it?


He told me it's gonna be on a billboard in Times Square tomorrow. I wish I could write a "fuck you penguin" for this, but fuck you penguin is a much better writer than I will ever be. I'd like to become an authority on the internet so that I can declare "fuck you penguin is the best blog to ever exist on the interwebs, and the best possible usage of the technologies of the world wide web" and be quoted somewhere, like in the header. Also cat, just because you've got your paws all over my favorite fucking machine in the whole entire world and one of the machine's components is also a pun does NOT mean I can just take a fucking Sudafed and get over it, yes I'm aware it's non-drowsy, but the thing is -- because I know that you shed! It looks cute now but will not look cute when you shed all over my favorite fucking machine, don't read my email. vote, like the cute cat says.
++

I just wanted a grilled cheese sandwich so I made one and now I'm eating it. It's midnight.

OK I'm gonna ask you guys a question.
If you're reading this,
you should answer.
You don't have to put your name. It'd just be interesting.


Q: In one sentence or less, what is one thing you are absolutely sure that you are genuinely good at?

86 comments:

lara said...

speed-reading.

RR said...

guitar hero

Anonymous said...

making someone who I've never met before feel really comfortable in a room full of strangers.

Rachel said...

speaking in academic/feminist/politicallycorrect/bullshit language.

samantha said...

I'm really good at doing other peoples makeup.

Vashti said...

Before I answer your bolded question, I'm going to answer your first question. No, I have not started the book club book yet. I have an explanation though! I started classes this week and let's just say that with my schedule, I'm not even sure when I'm supposed to eat. Oh and one of my resolutions this year is to drastically cut down on my webbernet usage [4 hours/day]. I guess I can make an exception though since this is really just reading a book that happens to be online.

OK. Anyway!

I am absolutely sure that I am genuinely good at the quiet game. I win EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I can go hours without speaking. This is why I'm also good at being antisocial [or just socially awkward].

Vashti said...

I guess I'm also good at not reading since my answer to your question was kind of more than one sentence.. Sorry about that. =/

I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out my word verif because it's really REALLY compact.
Am I a robot?

kaydee said...

Fixing everyone in the world, except for myself and my sister.

That's real emo. haha =|

Anonymous said...

getting out of the house incredibly fast in the morning

rod said...

remembering useless song lyrics

Anonymous said...

wrapping gifts

Anonymous said...

making out

RAB said...

Lying.

Mercury said...

making someone who I've never met before feel really comfortable in a room full of strangers. <-- this is an awesome skill, anonymous, I'm jealous.

my answer:
emotional support/patience/understanding.

I love this post. I love when you write this way. I have moods that make me feel the same way.

Razia said...

Distracting myself from life.

PS. I'm such a bad autowinner for asking this but...there's a book club book?

PPS. Remember when I first started reading autowin and I was fresh and emailed you asking for book recommendations because all I used to read before that was academic publications? Well, now it's more like a book every two days. Just thought you should know.

a;ex said...

I'm good at sleeping... weirdo.

Anonymous said...

living in my head

sascha said...

I'm good at mixing paint.

Ben said...

Chicken Kiev.

Stephanie said...

Sleeping.

And Kingdom of Loathing.

Don't look at me like that. Those of us that spend 8 endless hours in an office every day need something to entertain us. Like fucking up some hippes.

I'm so ashamed.

Anonymous said...

bullshitting

Allie said...

I am great at making homemade ice creams that involve alcohol.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Collecting and Connecting People.

PS I haven't ordered the BC book yet. What's the target date for discussion? Because another thing I'm good at is deadlines. And by "am good at" I mean "crave" because it's the only way I actually get things done.

riese said...

bringing it back around.

madey said...

AIR GUITAR.

wait, i just killed some lady gaga, and i don't think there's guitar in that song.

like, that good.

mar said...

letting things roll

Amanda said...

I used to be good at making my boyfriend cum, but isnt everybody. Now I'm really good at making my girlfriend cum and nobody else has ever been good at that.

Jean said...

Photographing rocks that look weird and or like animals

Danielle said...

teaching

DJL said...

Posting hot chicks in bikinis? Man, who have you become? Look what this contest is doing to you!

riese said...

See what Lozo did there? That's what he's good at.

Mary Kate said...

playing the drums

burningsteady said...

I write song lyrics all the time. It's my form of doodling. Maggi and I made our way through 11th grade trig by transcribing the entirety of Carole King's _Tapestry_ and various Linda Ronstadt songs over and over and over again.

burningsteady said...

Which doesn't answer your question. The one thing I'm without a doubt good at is grammar. That is sad. In the saddest way possible.

artois said...

Damn! all the good ones have been taken.

I'm gonna go for premium procrastinating: like writing a stickman graphic novel instead of spending thirty seconds doing anything scholarly.

Natalie Jonas said...

Talking about myself. And I can hold an impressive amount of gin.

a. said...

Writing news stories quickly and efficiently.

Anonymous said...

Rote memorization; I can read a page once and quote the entire thing back.

Duck said...

being me...

caitlin said...

the word genuine is hard for me, but i think i am genuinely good at being helpful.

Meghan said...

I'm really good at making breakfast for other people.

.elida. said...

I am a very, very good liar.

Elizabeth said...

I am very good at befriending little kids. Not like that, pervs! Kids... get me. Babies stop crying when I hold them, toddlers always want me to play house, older kids love beating me at board games...

word veri- polerbur, like a polar bear from the south...

Sam said...

poaching eggs. ping pong.

sherri said...

Spelling and grammar. Pop culture trivia.

alphafemme said...

telling people what I really think rather than just nodding/smiling/telling them what they think they want to hear.

mira said...

passing.

Anonymous said...

filling in the bubbles on standardized tests

dani said...

singstar

DJL said...

I read over your question because it looked like a poem and I never read those. I'm sure you knew that anyway.

I will say no-limit, Texas hold'em. And you know the other thing I'm good at! Wink wink! Nudge nudge!

MoonKiller said...

I'm good at waking up after midday. And I have no shame in that.

I'm also genuinely good at shopping for clothes for my friend James, who is wholeheartedly rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

being an utterly delicious shoulder to cry on

shannon said...

seeing the bright side of situations, usually both in an annoying and hopeless way.

dorothy said...

Not actually ever sharing anything personal but making you believe I have.

Making those bouquets with all the ribbons from presents at wedding showers.

Lexi said...

i was once told i am good at crayon carving and that i have a future in it...i sorta wish i was kidding.

Anonymous said...

jeopardy...except questions involving sports, i hate sports.

Ingrid said...

Peeling pomegranates
reading maps

autumn m said...

I dabble in a lot, but I’m not genuinely amazing at anything, just mediocre in a lot.

at the gym today i started a new strength training program and my body hurts. even my fingers hurt!!! i dont understand. *sigh*

erin said...

facial recongnition; i.e.:

"they look so familiar.."
--that's because they look like catherine zeta jones.

and

"where is she from?"
--that's tori from saved by the bell.

Shaina said...

I'm good at putting together bulletin boards in an interesting fashion. Layouts, I guess.

I'm also good at alphabetizing.

I am also pretty good at making people feel better about their lives, which I guess is a skill.

Lew said...

parents love me.

Anonymous said...

NOT winning the lottery

laura said...

sewing.

riese said...

joker skills. yes, i'm adding that to bringing it back around. court jester hoo-ha.

laura said...

homygod. EMERGENCY. harry potter is beating ira glass in best podcast. this can't happen.

Toggle Switch said...

I'm good at helping people achieve their potential.

supr said...

the gob chicken dance. and avoidance, capitolized. Avoidance.

Anna said...

singing along to a song with an awful voice

Bren said...

Fucking.

Or at least that's what RAB told me.

Laura said...

Drinking

Laura said...

And kissing.

BioGal said...

Falling in love, onanism and wasting hours link-surfing in Wikipedia... not all at the same time, but maybe one day...

jack said...

over-thinking/analyzing

Haviland Stillwell said...

knitting, for sure.
also cooking, baking, sewing just about anything, fixing computers and basically any other type of electronic device, being patient with whiners and liars and lazies, oh, and drinking!

opposites day!
happy now? ;)

Crystal said...

Selling guitars.

Jezzica said...

Finding the best stuff in thrift shops. Like $2 Dior, $8 Burberry. That is, I SWEAR TO GOD, the absolutely only thing on the planet I am certain I am competent at. Fuckin depressing.

Anonymous said...

Loading airplanes.

Kissing.

Yep. That is about it.

Kir said...

Smelling heavenly.

Kir said...

Also, recalling celebrity gossip at the drop of a hat.

I always know what Brangelina is up to...

Anonymous said...

at first i thought "i'm actually good at nothing" but then i realized i'm awesome at obsessing over things... like stalker obsession.

Anonymous said...

I'm good at faking emotions.

carlytron said...

i just started thinking of things i am good at, then realized that i could think of at least one instance or reason why i'm not all that good at them.

um... i have no idea what i'm totally completely good at.

today might be spent in an existential crisis now, thanks Riese ;)

Anonymous said...

grammar.

Anonymous said...

going through airport security efficiently and well.

Chatty Kathy said...

bull shitting.

Anonymous said...

does masturbation count?