Saturday, January 03, 2009

Sunday Top Ten: Gayest Moments of My Life Part ONE

The 2008 Weblog AwardsAs your Mom(s) probs told you, I'm a finalist in the LGBT Blog Awards (voting begins January 5th). Therefore today I must talk about gay things. (Every day is gay day at my other blog auto-straddle, just FYI). I've perused the blogs of my nine co-finalists -- including an actual famous person, the web's largest LGBTQ group blog, last year's winner, a famous well-established news blog, an activist transwoman, an "openly gay, pro-choice, gun owning, pro-death penalty, voted-for-President Bush authentic feminist" and um ... "the internet home for the American gay conservative" -- and determined my only chance to win this thing is via a RUDY -esque last-minute triumph of underdog glory (You can call me "Marie" for the chanting part, 'cause "Riese" only has one syllable. RU-DY, MA-RIE, etc.). Chances are it'll be less like Rudy and more like real life, where the underdog sits on the bench and eats peanuts from a can. Well ideally cashews.

Obvs I'm honored to be on this prestigious list among these world-class bloggers, I love everyone, this is great for visibility, and I'm totally pumped just to be nominated. I think I represent the NeXt GeNeratioN of insane queer weirdos. I feel much like Blabbeando (an excellent blogger and new-discovery, thanks Webblog Awards!), who said in his "I'm a finalist post": "There is the itty-bitty detail of being matched up with Joe, Pam, Bilerico and Andy Towleroad as nominees. Beat them for the award? Yeah, right." Me too, Andrès, me too. But you know what, RU-DY RU-DY! YEAH! AN-DRÈS!

I feel among friends -- up there with Pam of Pam's House Blend, who I worked with on the 8 Against 8 Campaign -- her blog is fabulous and I read it every day. Also I know Susie Bright (my fellow bisexual nominiee) -- she's one of my favorite feminists & sexperts & writers in the world, and she edited The Best American Erotica of 2007, and picked my story to be in it! -- read Susie interviewing me here.

To segue into this weeks Gay Top Ten Topic let me tell you about when I met Joe.My.God who won last year. Lesbo blogger Curly McDimple organized the '07 Gay Blogger Weenie Roast, which I attended out of gay pride although it combined several of my most loathed activities: daytime drinking, outdoor eating in hot weather, networking proactively, beer, socializing with strangers, and traveling to the farthest reaches of Park Slope from Harlem by subway on a weekend. Sometimes one must suck it up and stop whining in order to be a good networker.

But I went (see photo of Hav & I expertly networking with Jamie, who's not gay but I forced her to attend anyhow) and brought Haviland, Carly and Carly's friend Roy (he's the one who told me "that's Joe.My.God, he's a real big deal") and it was super gay. Also super balmy, I sweated like a nun at a gay weenie roast.

Our new friend Caroline (we'd just met her on the rosie cruise) (she's now engaged to Heather Matarazzo) was there bartending, so it was awesome to see her AND I ran into a lesbo friend from my brief tenure at Sarah Lawrence -- well, she wasn't my friend exactly, she was my gay best friend's lesbian friend's then-girlfriend. We were sorta friends. The moral of the story is this was super gay and that's how it is with the gays.

But was it one of the Top Ten Gayest Moments of my life? No probs not, doesn't stand a chance against Tegan & Sara or the No on Prop 8 Rally, which brings me to today's Top Ten Topic ... to be delivered in two segments of five, 'cause doing all ten at once would be really long and I know you're all very busy.

++
THE TOP TEN GAYEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE ON EARTH
Part One, Items 10-6

First an honorable mention During my Mom's NYC weekend visit in April '07, my then-girlfriend TB was playing "percussive stuff at this new monthly Queer/Trannie Ethnic Drum party in Brooklyn." The idea of going to gay things with my gay Mom makes me really itchy, and although I protested that I wasn't ethnic enough for the drum circle (and I anticipated it involving actual granola), TB insisted and Mom was down. Therfore on a rainy dark April night I took Mom to far-away-land, Brooklyn on a series of buses (train canceled). Although TB had anticipated a "down-to-earth spiritual, tabla/djembe, chill-in-living room sorta thing" we got "whoa nightclub, ethnic hipsters and miked percussion." (all quotes are TB's, from this) and she apologized and said we could go, as it might not pick up for many hours, I had an article to write and Mom is a Mom -- it did pick up later, but by then we had cabbed it home.

The point is that had serious Best Gay Moment POTENTIAL but due to the thwarted extra gayness opportunity (actual ethnic hippie drum circle), cannot rightfully be on this list. But it deserves a moment.
++

10. The Rosie Cruise
Everything about the Rosie Cruise is so gay, I could probs assemble a Top 10 Gayest Moments on the Rosie Cruise for each year I've gone (Alaska, Key West 1 & 2, New England/Canada 1 & 2 ). Gay families, gay children, themed costume nights, Susan Powter wandering the boat yelling about her vagina and/or yoga, a musical theater-heavy performance schedule, and the identically-outfitted "R Family Team" regularly introduced by the song "We Are Family." It's a bunch of famous gays with a bunch of normal gays and their kids and then rascals like us. Where else can Andrea McArdle ask you to come wake up her husband with "look at all the hot lesbians in your bed!" It's so gay and by gay I mean happy.

9. The Mz Hip and Fit New York 2007 Contest
This was a two part exercise in gay-ness -- Hav was nominated for Mz Girl Nation (GirlNation hosts a gay Saturday night in NYC where everyone who's anyone goes to run into everyone they've already kissed) and Heather and I told her to do it 'cause we thought it'd be funny. It was FUNNY, obvs she won by a landslide.

I dragged my then-girlfriend to the event at Nation AND to the next event at "DUVET" (where Mz GirlNation would fight against Mz Cattyshack and etc for the "Mz Hip and Fit New York 2007" title) both populated largely by impossibly young fresh-faced Dos-Equis-chugging lesbians whooting and hollering Scores-style. We made a sign with markers. At DUVET, about 10 - 12 lesbians had to run on stage, dance, and then get voted on by the applause generated by the legions of friends they'd forced to attend. There were no speeches. There was also supposed to be no stripshows, but all the girls except Hav totally removed at least 50% of their outfits on stage. Hav was over it by this point and besides, nekkid-in-public isn't how she rolls, she's a lady from Savannah.

The first place winner had fake tits, they'd never let that shit fly on Miss America.

For some reason Haviland doesn't like flaunting this honor on all her promotional materials but I feel it should be her new nickname, like Haviland "Mz GirlNation" Stillwell. Google that, she-bitches.

8. My Mom's "Gay" Picnics

Back in the 90's, my Mom used to host these "potlucks" for her "friends" from her "group" for "women in transition" in our backyard [I almost put "backyard" in quotation marks too, but then I realized, no, I mean, that for sure was indeed the backyard.] and try to con me into attending.

As you know, I dislike the following things: 1. outdoor eating, 2. outdoor picnics involving plastic/paper flatware/dishes and lawn chairs, 3. large gatherings of women my Mom's age, 4. doing anything at all whatsoever that my Mom wants me to do ("4" is also the reason why I was straight as an arrow for so long), 5. eating large meals at mid-day, 6. large gatherings of people I don't know, 7. large gatherings of people, 8. other people, 9. tuna salad casserole.

Mom's primo con/strategy to force my attendance was The Grill Trick. Although I'd insist I didn't want any part of the potluck, Mom knew eventually I'd be hungry (and I was, 'cause she'd moved all the food from the kitchen to the "back porch") and then, when I expressed interest in eating a grilled item she would not, per my request, permit me to wait inside for delivery of said item (she would've only had to slide open the door and pass off the burger, no biggie). Instead I was forced to go outside, defenseless save my Angsty-Depressed-Emo-Teenager Skater-Who-Doesn't-Skate cloud of hostility, and place my request directly to the grillmaster ... and then! sit and wait for preparation!

During the waiting & subsequent eating period, I'd be obligated by "manners" to meet people and consequentially listen to women in transition talk about transitional things, like civil unions and the Women's Studies department at U of M. That was really gay. Her friend Tabitha was kinda cute though.

7. Melissa Etheridge concert in Atlantic City on July 4th, 2008
I'd never seen the Eth before and was therefore unawares that she unleashes mountains of gayness upon the crowd not only during her songs but BETWEEN songs. She basically told the story of every girlfriend she'd ever had, performed beneath a banner of Tibetian prayer flags, and called herself out for being a stalker. Real lesbians from New Jersey abounded -- women willing to miss fireworks for The Eth -- sang, swayed, cried a little, adjusted their tool-belts, etc. As you can see in the photo, Caitlin is popping her collar and Alex & I are full of passionate lesbian feelings. I love Melissa Etheridge forevs & evs.

6. NewNowNext Awards - May 2008

A;ex & I plugged microphones into our pants pockets 'cause we had no actual outlets for them, I was sick and therefore looked like a cokehead, Tinkerbell was there in her Uh Huh Her outfit, the red carpet was actually grey, we were totally dissed by Christian Whateveriano from Project Runway but totally treated as 100% legitimate journalists by everyone else, Candice Cayne said we were "GORGE," The Dazzle Dancers got glitter on Tinkerbell's nose, Ricky signed my vintage '95 My So-Called Gay Life poster and Michelle Paradise asked Tinkerbell for her number. Our actual friends Carly & Robin work(ed at the time, in Robin's case) at Logo and therefore were present, amping up the OurChart factor. Anyhoo then I felt sleepy sloos, I'm not really good at being out late at night.

I bet you are on the edge of your seat for Part Two yeah? January is a big month here full of excitement so you should probs put a cushion on the edge of your seat or a dildo, because there is so much fun to look forward to. Also, I clearly have a thing for befriending um, Capricorns? Birthdays - Caitlin (6th), Kelly from TLL (8th) (thank you facebook), Natalie (16th), Haviland (19th), my friend Erika from middle school (19th), Crystal (20th). OBAMA DAY on the 20th. L Word Premiere on the 18th. Also, it's fucking cold.

21 comments:

DJL said...

Here's a top 10 I have no shot of making an appearance in.

Vashti said...

It's so not even close to being Sunday yet [I'm saying this more because I need more time to pack since I'm heading back to school tomorrow] so seeing a top ten totes threw me off. You're so ahead of the curve right now. I mean, if you were a car and I was another car and we were both driving on a twisty-curvy mountain road, there is no chance that I'd see you. There'd probs be a mountain in the way or something.

I'm excited for part two.

Also, I love cashews. Pecans too.. sometimes.

a;ex said...

oh dear lord thank you for reminding me of how much I love Candis Cayne. ALSO ALSO! I just found out via Wikipedia that Candis did the choreography for To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.
Of course she did.

I'm super curious about what other gay moments in your life you have left to put on this list... besides the Spice Girls concerts, obvs.

asher said...

oh, Rudy upset is one way to go but have you considered that maybe these other blogs draw the same population of readers, and could cancel one another out (like a 3rd party candidate). or the possibility of attack ads? :)

lovely start to a list. i look forward to the rest.

but for now i feel the need to share. i had a super gay moment last night. after going to two gay clubs with my gay boyfriend trav, his hag, and my new gay boyfriend matty we stopped by a gay diner. as we were seated i noticed that this girl(?) right near the bathroom looked kinda like kate moennig. so of course i go to the bathroom. upon a closer view i'm convinced that it's fictional shane's real life twin (no, i don't actually think kate moennig is in houston... ever). so upon my giddy return i can't stop staring at this girl(?) so gbf trav heads to the bathroom to check her(?) out. of course he then strikes up a conversation with her(?) about her(?) blazer, and returns to tell me 'that's totally a dude.'

i still don't really believe him though. i was like "no, kate moennig has a really low voice. you're just confused."

driving around today, processing this, i think i figured out why i was so sure he(?) was such a dead ringer for shane - besides the face, outfit, EVERYTHING. it was the way he(?) leaned.

Kelly (Gold Star Dyke) said...

Congrats again on the nomination. Deserved, obvs!!! I'll so be one of your cheerleaders!!! God help me I look terrible in a pleated skirt, but for you my dear...anything!!!

Anonymous said...

1. Rudy is one of my top ten movies of all time and I love you for referencing it.

2. I felt like this was the gayest year of my life, I mean all that uh huh herring, tegan and saraing, gay cruising, talking about all those feelings, plus I saw melissa etheridge twice the week before the cruise.

3. I wish I could have been to one of your mom's bbqs. Probs was super magical.

4. My word verfi is muther, which is how I think a southern would say mother. Le sigh.

Mercury said...

I like befriending Capricorns too - these days - when I was younger though, I had 3 BFFs in a row who were born in late August. like. The 23rd, 25th and 27th, I think. They're all Virgo on the cusp.

You should totally win by default just for the most repetitive use of the word "gay". Try to work it into every single sentence of the next post. it'll become rhythmic/entrancing.

riese said...

lozo: You've never even thought about being with a man?

Vashti: Also though, I haven't left my apartment since 2009 except to go to the gym. I've decided I can't fix my bad habits, I can only create the life I want to live, and hope that any habits that are truly bad will consequentially disappear. I obvs have a whole blog entry on that topic, too, which I'll never post. What was I talking about again? myself. right.

a;ex: is that a passive aggressive spelling correction? i can never remember which one it is. I actually hadn't thought about the spice girls concert, although hav's little fling w/ginger could change my mind.

asher: you know what you are totally right. like everyone who reads this is gonna vote for me, but all the readers of those other places will be totally torn. I might have a shot! Still, a lot like Rudy.

It's always the lean.

Kate played a boy in Young Americans. Well a girl who was a boy. If he looks that much like a she, it's fair game. also what was he/she doing in the wrong bathroom? i guess it could've been a one-person.

kelly: i think if you can save the cheerleader, we'll save the award ceremony! I think my head would explode if I actually won this one. I'm always surprised I get any votes at all.

Anonymous: 1. of course it is, 2. it totally was, I couldn't even wrap my head around all the potential gay moments and had to try to think really hard to remember oldschool gay moments., 3. probs joanne was there. 4. indeed.

mercury: I'm Virgo and Libra on the cusp! I think Capricorns must be outgoing, and Leos, I used to know a lot of Leos, and also three people with the birthday october 17th, all of whom I've dated to some degree, which is strange. And also,g ay gay gay gay gay

Elizabeth said...

I was born a few days before capricorn, guess we can't be friends for reals. Le sigh.

Here's my gayest non-gay moment recently- Last night I went with all straight people to an uber straight bar for a straight couple's engagement celebration... then I talked to the bride-to-be about how she has f*cked more girls than any actual lezzie I know. Flippin' hasbians. As she put it, her 'college years as a gay were very fruitful.' I always wished she'd come back to our team. She's hot.

artois said...

I generally don't play the participartory role in these things, but after seeing your bit in the "street talk" L word thingy, I'm so voting. ('cos everyone's hoping for a finale with mark and papi teaming up to blow jenny away whilst channeling dana untapped killer edge).

Mercury said...

I have to stay away from fire signs. (Leo, Aries, Sag)
They're great fun but I end up getting burned. Especially by Aries! and Sag.

I don't think Caps are known for being outgoing? but the ones I know are too.

word ver is "poopoly" which obviously reminds me of a feces-themed monopoly game. IDK where these things come from.

autumn m said...

i love how you mentioned you dislike tuna casserole. makes me laugh. and im a bit jealous of your cruise moments. i want to go!!! except you know..... that's a bit gay. can i say that?? is that a homophobic slur? idk. anyways you have alot of really gay moments apparently. yay for you??? seriously if i was an undecided voter, i would definitely vote for you now. if they don't, they are human.

eric mathew said...

SOME OF THE GAYEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE WERE...

(why was that in caps)

when i sported my "Legalize Gay" shirt from AA today (obvs bought by my fruit fly ronnie)

and

when i was wickedly reading all the articles on the advocate yesterday while have a shuffling of showtunes on my iPod.

well there is more.... but not for now.

DJL said...

You mean like going to the movies? Or watching a ballgame? Like an old Fab Five game? Sure, all the time. I was just thinking about being with a man while watching the Giants game next week. It should be fun.

Irish and Jew said...

i totally am on the edge of my seat... have you made your own chart?? Even though i'm not a lez the gayest moment of my life would most likely be circa 1998 playing a nice game of connect the lesbians on a piece of loose leaf paper (i actually call it theme paper but no one else in the world does so i've conformed and now call it loose leaf) anyways... since the number of lesbians i knew back in 1998 has since quadrupled i would most likely need a piece of poster board (i actually call it oak tag) to complete this bad boy...

cheers!
irish

Greg said...

Haha-- A top 10 gay countdown. This is exactly why you are nominated. No, not just because you are gay. But because you are awesome.

Lozo-- Not even Shia Labeouf? What is wrong with you?

riese said...

Elizabeth: But we could've been in high school, I had a lot of December b-days in my life then. They always got to drive first.

I feel as though this girl will come back around. That would be my guess of how this is going to happen.

artois: YES! YES! I knew my L Word knowledge would pay off. Also is that a bottle in your icon or are you just happy to see me. Probs both.

mercury: Leo is tough for me 'cause of the ego. But I'm drawn to getting burned maybe. I mean but also I don't really believe in the zodiac hoo-ha.

autumn m: There's lots of not-gay people on the gay cruise, but it is really gay. Totally not a homophobic slur, I think I use that shit like candy. Actually I say a lot of shit I shouldn't say that are possibly slurs.

eric mathew: How about when you made a vlog singing a showtune with your own lyrics dedicated to two gay girl bloggers? That was a pretty GAY MOMENT fo'sho.

DJL: I feel like that typo which I so kindly erased from the permanent record was clearly a subliminal sign that you want to "hold" a man. OOO! Giants! That's like really big humans right? That sounds neat!

Irish: I think if I made a chart I would end up looking like a big trashwhore ... although I am on OurChart, you know, ourchart, the best site in the universe.Probs being a guestbian on ourchart could go on my top ten. I have more to say about ourchart, this has got me thinking.

I defo would have to quadruple my posterboard since '98, I feel like no one was out then. Literally no-one I knew, and now a lot of people are. you should do it one night when you can't sleep.

Greg: Yes! Gay/AWESOME! That's my new adjective for myself! If I win, Lozo's gonna show everyone his penis.

Grace C. said...

coolio! as to other queer female-run blogs up there, grace the spot was nominated for best new blog. and mombian is up there in another category (which i have forgotten). holla!

artois said...

obvs both. It's always both.
And jus so as to add to the stew, my top gay moment would be buying a pride shirt. It's actually very comfy.

DJL said...

I'm not showing anyone anything. That ship sailed. Especially if you're listing the gayest moments of your life and the phrase, "I distinctly remember the first time I was nose to vagina with a woman being..." never makes an appearance.

Coincidentally, enose is my word verif. It's like eharmony, only for noses.

QueerCincinnati.com said...

Congratulations on the nomination!!!!