Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Part Two of the Sunday Top Ten Gayest Moments of My Life on Earth

This is Part Two of the Top Ten Gayest Moments of my Life on Earth, the pre-quel to "The Top Ten Gayest Moments of my Life in Outer Space," which'll be a lot like "The Muppets go to Outer Space." I'm writing about gay stuff because there's an important election going on right now for the Best LGBT Blog of the year. I'm somehow a finalist along with nine legitimately mega-popular blogs, so it's a huge surprise/honor, and you can pick one of us here, today -- and you can vote again every 24 hours! I haven't got a chance unless LiLo personally endorses me this weekend, but I'm aiming for the stars -- Top 5!!! ALSO! There's gays you must vote for in other categories too -- firstly, 8 Against 8 ringleader Grace the Spot is up for Best New Blog, and I bet you haven't heard of any of those other people, I mean they're new, and who has the time, so you should probs just vote for her.

Honorary GAY A.E Brain is up for Best Australia/New Zealand blog (unfortunately Crystal's favorite blog and new blog bestie Defamer Australia didn't make the list this year), GAY Mombian's goin' at it for Best Large Blog, and BISEXUAL Margaret Cho and OBVS SECRETLY GAY Britney Spears are both on tap for Best Celebrity Blogger.

So the first five on this illustrious Top Ten Gayest Moments of My Life included The Rosie Cruise, Mz Hip 'n Fit New York 2008, my Mom's gay picnics, Melissa Etheridge in Atlantic City and the NewNowNext Awards.

When conducting a two-part Top Ten, I generally blow the best bits on Round One and imagine the second part being written by someone else, a better version of me with better choosing skills, or even a drunker version of me with less self-consciousness. Howevs, I'm so hungover I need a new word for Hungover and therefore it's just memememememe & my little baby mind.

I've had so many Gay Moments, especially these past few years. Even when I was a practicing het, I had a super gay life. I'm thinking big events for this Top Ten, but what about the really big private moments that I'll never talk about for free or the little private moments like the night I decided to finish reading Well of Loneliness after watching Brokeback Mountain and then cried and wanted to kill myself? I didn't though. So. Rawr.

I gave "5" to the Indigo Girls @ Pine Knob.

I witnessed many homo-heavy events at the Pine Knob amphitheater in suburban Detroit in the 90's including Lilith Fair, Ani DiFranco, and, on more than one occasion -- the Indigo Girls. The best IG concert I've been to was at the Greek Theater in Berkley, but my gayest IG-related moment was the Summer '02 Pine Knob stop of the "become you" tour. The cheap seats are on the lawn at Pine Knob.

I didn't even know they had a new album out (this would NEVER happen usually, I heart Indigo Girls) 'cause my dumb boyfriend, who was living with me that summer in the lesbian-filled house I'd occupied year-round, refused to listen to anything other than Blink 182 andNewfound Glory. You know that look people give you when you turn on your car and the Indigo Girls blast out? It's like "Did you just shove Emily'sbirkenstock up my ass?" look, the "Are you trying to kill me with blood and fire" look. I just wanna listen to my feeeelings.

My lesbian rugby roommates invited me, it was one of the first times I'd been out w/o my boyfriend in a while. They danced on the grass with bare feet like kids and I sat on the blanket with the hummus and the pita and I quickly identified my initial disgust towards their comfort/fancy-freehood/self-awareness as deep jealousy and then, at that moment, as Amy & Emily sang with acoustic guitar, I honestly thought (ever soinsightfully) to myself: "my boyfriend will never understand me."

See I didn't even know what I was talking about. YET.

[from Stef's cartoon recap of the Tegan & Sara concert.
Carly is bleeding from the head.]

But then ... speaking of concerts ... is that even gayer than when Tinkerbell got signed by Leisha & Cam at the Philly Uh Huh Her concert? Is that gayer than the Uh Huh Her concert where a fan with "you dismantle me" tattooed on her arm (it's a JennySchecter quote) bought us a round of lemondrop shots and showed me photos of her dogs and cats on her pink cellphone? Or the SXSW Uh Huh Her experience, like, in general?

Gayer than the Tegan & Sara concert where I tried to tackle Carly and she allegedly almost died but in reality experienced an awesome brush with the supernatural possibility of death?
So I give "4" to The White Party - NYC during Pride '06, mostly 'cause it's an excellent example of totally mediocre lesbo-party planning, and an example of things we did in 2006 that we would not do in 2009. I mean, not everyone was wearing white. That was the point. There was a costume of the day, ladies! Costume of the DAY! All white! I remember drama and feelings that we actually for once weren't a part of. A random told us she liked us because we didn't look "like John Goodman," which was sweet.

I was on ecstasy, so I pretty much loved everyone in the world, which is a very gay feeling.
For a person who never goes out, I've got a lot of memories of going out. Especially in the beginning of going to gay things. My Mom did that too in the beginning, which was neat, and then I could eatmozzarella sticks for dinner.
According to Cait & Hav, my first visit to morally decrepit West Hollywood girl-bar (night?) "Truck Stop" (during our 3. West Hollywood Weekend) is the first time in my life that, when asked "are you ready to go home?" I was like, "Nah, I'll stay." I ALWAYS am on Team Let's Go Home Now. I vaguely remember this. I was drunkish and having a good conversation about how hard it was to even think about being gay at U-Mich with a friend-of-a-friend from U-Mich who's now my friend and also Haviland's friend 'cause this is the way that we live.

Truck Stop was totally disgusting but I had to stay like how I have to watch Intervention. Nearly naked girls did coreographed dances on the bar in bikinis. Ideally I'll never go there again, but realistically I probs will, because I love trucks.

The next night, in true form, I busted the OurChart-sponsored Lesbian Oil Wrestling event way early. Why? 'Cause I was ethically opposed to how The L Word stole this concept from a legitimately empowering Brooklyn-based event (the original focused on political satire and creating a safe space for women of all body types, classes and colors to play and fight) and turned it into a glossy sexy skinny white girls teevee-tied-in lesbian event. Other versions of this story claim I left the event early because I'm a bitch and/or cranky and/or impossible and/or unable to just have fun and be silly.Whatevs. Gay!

But really anytime you're in a room with Catherine Keener, Ilene Chaiken, Angela Robinson and Clementine Ford ... that's pretty gay. Like I could feel Ilene breathing (firetorches!!!).
But how ridiculous, right? I mean, being gay isn't about half-naked celesbians rolling around in hot oil. It's about being denied civil rights! YEAH!

So the 2. No on Prop 8 Rally deserves a shout-out. My gayest moment w/r/t the election was fo'sho the 8 Against 8 thing, but if I started including cyber-moments, it'd get out of control. The rally felt a little disjointed, but still -- it was something to be a part of, besides just screaming into machines, which is so much easier. To chant & yell with signs in public and physically feel the community, and about something important and unifying, is the most important gay moment of all.

Thinking about Prop 8 makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Owsers.
But then my original number 2 in Draft #1 was our 1999 trip to the River Run B &B (now under new ownership)

Ryan & I brilliantly chose a random B&B in the Catskills to get away from Sarah Lawrence for a weekend. The bus driver dropped us off and said we'd be miserable here without a car, even offered to take us elsewhere for free, but we'd already paid. It was a ghost town, just one Mexican restaurant, La Chacha or something, boarded-up houses and this particular B&B. Larry the owner concurred -- "if you'd told me you didn't have a car, I would've said not to stay here" -- as he gave us the house tour. I noticed the rainbow flag out back. Ryan (gay) didn't.

Breakfast confirmed my suspicions. So! Many! Gay! Couples! I was totes pursuing straighthood at the time, but I was the one who picked up on Larry's drop of "they're family" when speaking of certain snow-shoe-trail-blazing-mountain-hiking-leading-guiding-stores and far-away restaurants and subsequently pointed out to Ryan that in our attempt to avoid our friends' Fire Island weekend ("too gay"), we'd accidentally booked ourselves a weekend at a Gay B&B in the middle of assfuck nowhere, which is the gayest shit ever.

(we read books and wrote all weekend, it was perfect.) (gay!)

See, I don't like to go out. I like to have little gay moments right here in my room.

Last night I had a bunch of people over for The L Word premiere (we watch it ahead of time to ensure timely recaps) and two separate people said, upon entering my room (they'd never been in); "so this is where the magic happens." Really what magic. Besides the rabbit in the hat thing. If there is magic in this room I need to find it stat. I cleaned yesterday so I feel like it should've turned up then. Guess what I'm listening to? Tegan & Sara. Where's my wings.
The past two years have been chock-full of gay moments. Honestly when I started this blog, I never expected to one day fit quite accurately into this particular category. But maybe I never really considered, at that point, living the life I actually wanted to live, either.


dorothy said...

Love this:
But maybe I never really considered, at that point, living the life I actually wanted to live, either.
I'll be voting.

Crystal said...

The SxSW Uh Huh Her Experience was pretty gay, huh. I need to get that 'You dismantle me' tattoo stat.

I'll be voting for you every 24 hours.

I'd like to point out that Defamer Australia was nominated for Best Gossip Blog. It warms my heart to have my two favourite bloggers running.

LODJL said...

I'm so confused by this list. Do you mean gay as in "homosexual" or gay as in....

You: Hey, where's Alex?
Haviland: She's not coming.
You: Why? She said she was.
Haviland: I know. She flaked out.
You: Well that's totally gay.

Because if you mean gay as in "homosexual" and don't describe your first gay sex act, it's like Chris Webber listing his 10 Most Memorable Sports Moments and never mentioning the Fab Five.

See what I did there?

Mercury said...

I voted today. and I will vote every consecutive day that I remember to.

I realize reading all of this that I haven't had a very gay life at all. Which's unfortunate, like obvs I shall be working to rectify this.

LODJL said...

To be honest, I don't care what you mention. It's your business. But I've had that Chris Webber/Fab Five joke in my head since this morning and wanted to share it.

autumn m said...

This is a whole bunch of gay. Which was the point, obvs. but still a lot of gayness. i almost went through and counted how many times you typed gay, but i lost track after 3. nice picture by the way. it looks like you are all on a rollercoaster. so....im still kinda pissed that i can only vote once every 24 hours. Seriously. Lame. And because im a nice person i want to share with you my potentially new fav. Song.


i feel like everyone should listen to it.

ps. how’s your lemon tree doing. is it dead yet?

Anonymous said...

i'm unlurking (that's a word, or it will be soon) just to ask...

Is that Alexi from Alexi's closet in your l word party pic?

Anonymous said...

Question: is number one the gayest moment of your life or was this just the top ten all together? This is important because I'm a weirdo and am confused. Also the girls at truckstop dancing on the bar were kind of amazing and I'd like to see them again. You wanting to stay out was one of the weirdest things ever. Poncho says thanks for the publicity. Holler

laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
laura said...

listening to your feelings is so gay. and one of my favorite activities. this is because i am [not so] secretly a 12-year-old emo boy.

at first i thought i was at the same uh huh her concert in illadelphia, but then i remembered that my friends and i were the only people a) under the age of 45 and b) not wearing birkenstocks, so probs not.

also, i could use a few little gay moments in my room. just saying.

Anonymous said...

ok so ever since i discovered your blog...oh about 2 months hence, with your brilliant no on 8 video (and sent you pics to help fill your quilt!) i had to comment on this one because i have experienced truckstop firsthand a few more times than i'd like to admit, and it is, quite possibly, the gayest thing EVER.

i've been to girl bars before, plenty, but something about that particular friday night just makes lesbians go nuts, get all aggressive, grab random girls, and spend $100 to get a five minute lap dance from Lolita. idiocy at its finest. i'll admit, it can be fun, especially cuz the bartenders overpour every drink they make and they are all hot (at least in the semi-darkness), but it's still an intense experience...definitely glad you picked it for your top gayest moments, it's certainly one of mine.

and FYKE! holy shit that was gay. my girlfriend's roommate dragged us out to hollywood (we never venture past La Cienaga usually, preferring the beach towns to anything else) and it was a hot mess of girls floundering around in oil. I'm not sure why I was expecting them to look like Jenny and Niki, but they for sure did not. Well, a few were cute, but by that time i had stopped paying attention and had started staring at Clementine Ford. I would post the pic that we took with her and Elizabeth Keener on here, but number one I don't know how and number two I look super awkward, making a face that is at once startled to be in a picture with them, and, well, stupid.

Anyway, keep the blogs and the vodka flowing, and if you're ever back in LA, srsly hit me up...I know lots of people who could add to your gay moments.


ps I was in nyc last summer with my friend Kim and we went to Caddyshack cuz it's the only lezzie bar the cab driver Mohammed had heard of. Needless to say, we arrived at 3:50am dressed entirely inappropriately (read: patent leather pumps and little black dresses) and proceeded to talk our way into the bar and get free drinks after closing from the very surprised bartender. I guess you could say we didn't fit in. Every time I noticed a fellow lesbian in new york, I would mention it a little too loudly causing kim to either smack me or grab my hand and pretend to be my girlfriend. ah well, still learning. and pps, i kind of don't see how wearing a little black dress is such a bad thing. i'm not even from LA!

Zoe Brain said...

I'm actually straight... on the other hand, I am in a legal same-sex marriage to another woman, in a country where same-sex marriages are illegal.

As one commenter put it;
"It occurred to me, after reading about your finalist designation, that there should be another award that you should definitely win: a “Sexual Diversity Award” for being the most amazing sexually-different person! You have managed (much to my delight) to transgress the “Adam & Eve sexual rules” and qualify for all the sexually-marginalized categories simultaneously and even create some new categories along the way.
Since you have female identity and now look more female than not and still have a female love interest, you would be perceived by many as behaving like a lesbian.
Since your genital anatomy is slightly atypical, you qualify as an intersex individual. Another plus is that you are an unusual type of intersexual person.
Born more male-bodied than not but with a female identity qualifies you as transsexual in many people’s view.
And you have undergone transformation of secondary sex characteristics that became commensurate with your sexual identity, this transformation being driven by endogenous hormonal fluctuations (a kind of “natural quasitransitioning”) that is without parallel in the lives of most people.

Hence, you a homosexual intersexual “endogenously quasi-transitioned” transsexual!"

Actually, a straight homosexual intersexual "endogenously quas-transitioned" transsexual" I guess.

*SIGH* It's complicated.

OK, I'm Gay. Just straight.

vikki said...

I was a straight girl and played rugby for two years...before coming out as a big lesbo. Ah...rugby parties were the best.

a;ex said...

Your tags still entertain me.
Who you callin' a drunk slut woman?!

riese said...

dorothy: thanks! vote & vote again!

crystal: Yeah you should get it on your wrist, the tattoo, and then get it removed when you no longer feel dismantled. If you forget what it means, you can just email me a picture, and I will then remind you.

LODJL: That's what you do.

Also, I mean gay like "flaky," yeah. People who always say they're coming but never do. Or sports teams that always are picked to win but never do.

Mercury: You should be, I'd suggest catching some women's folk music stat.

LODJL: It's just as perfect on the page/screen as I'm sure it sounded in your head.

autumn m: we're on the rollercoaster of love! Our lemon tree is totally still alive. It hasn't grown any lemons yet, but it is still alive, which is an achievement. Everyone who came over said it was a lovely lemon tree.

I'm concerned about the 24 hours thing, 'cause if the other people get 500 votes every day like they do now, and I get 100 votes every day (considering the ratio of my readers to their readers is about 1:100), then I'm really gonna lose.

Anonymous: Yes indeed, that is Alexi of Alexi's closet in the L word party pic.

Anonymous: Oh no, number one is not the gayest, it's just they're all together. If I started actually ranking things, top tens would take even longer. besides weirdos obvs, weirdos are totally rankable. Tell Poncho my people will call his people.

laura: I cater to the 12-year old emo boy, especially the ones that feel misunderstood.

The Philly concert we went to was in May, and actually the crowd was a lot older than usual, it was at a strange venue.

You room? Is that where all the magic happens? Magical moments? I could use some of those.

Anonymous:Firstly your description of Truck Stop is about 100 times better than mine. I remember red lights, and lots of glittery sparkly thighs.

omg, I almost forgot that it was sponsored by a group called FYKE, which at first I thought was like an off-shoot of Dani from A Shot at Love's FUTCH clothing line. I would post the picture that we took of Ilene but it looks like we are stalking Ilene when in truth we are sending her firetorches telepathically.

Haviland & I are trying to figure out how to develop a "fly riese to LA fund" so we can make another vlog and when we do, I'll hit you up.

Cattyshack is hit or miss -- I've been there where everyone looks like me, and one night I went there and felt like I'd stepped into a foreign country and everyone was staring at us. We decided to go dance on the stage so at least it'd feel like they were staring at us on purpose. Then my friend's boyfriend picked us up and she went back to being straight. I was like, omg, you need to come to Nation or something, this isn't gonna sell you on the lifestyle. Apparently Metropolitan is where it's at. I wouldn't know, I stay home.

Zoe Brain: I just like the word "queer." You know, it's like you're not on the straight and narrow ... just ... queer. Like Margaret Cho who will always say she's not married to a man, 'cause I guess her man is super gender flexible, so she just says "queer." I voted for her too obvs.

vikki: I always liked the rugby shirts. I tend to adopt clothing first, sport second, sexuality 4evs.

riese said...

a;ex: hpsdiva, obvs.

autumn m said...

yeah i totally made a bet with myself that your tree would die in less than four months.
i was watching cnn today and one of the stories was all about twitter. really?? is it that awesome that it is cnn worthy??
AND....i totally got pulled over today. i was going 20 over the speed limit, in a school zone. amazingly i didnt get a ticket. im just lucky.

عسل said...

برامج إقلاع سوفت - دليل برامج إقلاع سوفت
حيرةوبم ميران المصريين العاملين
الجودة :قطاع
قطاع الاتصالات

saint modesto said...

I voted from my laptop AND my desktop which was actually pretty hard as my desktop can now be considered an antique and was therefore very, very slow. But I don't really have anything else to do with my life so it's all the same.

Elizabeth said...

I can't make a top ten anything blog, but I wrote a Top Stuff of 2008 blog on FB and it turns out that most of it was pretty gay. One of these very gay moments is immortalized on video and is posted on at least 2 websites: Digiromp and Your Daily Lesbian Moment... It's when I got my boobs signed by Arlan (creator of YDLM and many gay tshirts) and Lisa Rieffel of Killola/GirlTrash! while standing on the streets of the southside of Chicago in the middle of the night. Gay and dangerous...!

I should sleep more.

BioGal said...

I can't find gay moment number one! I have read #10-2, but need the full set! Help me! I got to the B&B, which was the original #2 in Draft #1, but maybe it made it to first place in the final draft, or maybe #1 is actually the L Word final season premiere viewing... or maybe I am over-thinking this...