November Rain & Auto-Fun of the Thank-full Weekend, 11.29/30.2008

Have you seen Haviland & Riese on Alexi's Closet on AfterEllen yet? 'Cause all the cool kids are doing it. Did you have a fun Thanksgiving? Ingest some hot succulent turkey? Read our South of Nowhere Recaps for Episodes 13&14?

Haviland & I had T'giving with a bunch of crazies, including a member of the Coast Guard who just started smoking a month ago, at the age of 26 -- and can't stop chain smoking now -- and when asked why, answered that he went as Hunter S. Thompson for Halloween and just hasn't given it up since. He actually reminded me of the kind of boy I would've made out with in college. I think I once often played the "who do I want to make out with in this room and how can I make that happen?" game whenever I felt, you know, potentially bored, like at 95% of the gatherings of people I'm not related to. It's not that I have more fun with relatives, but obviously I'm not going to make out with any of them, I don't want to get whatever Sarah Palin's kids have. This whole paragraph has been kinda weird. I guess you change your mind about what feels personal and what seems like silly dust in the wind. Funny dust. Auto-funny dust. Anyhow I wasn't bored, so that whole thing was just a waste of words.

Afterwards Hav said, "He was insane but cute, he seemed like the kind of guy you would have hooked up with in college and then not wanted to talk to again." Sometimes Haviland & I actually agree about things, strange things, and I think we've finished a period where we were focused more on uncovering the differences than relishing the similarities -- you know how you do that, the relishing, when you first meet someone? Like our mutual love of Christmas Specials and dislike for public discussions of bodily functions.

I've spent the last two Thanksgivings with Haviland actually, I just realized. Last year at my place w/my roommates and her friends. There were board games and obtuse text messages. At night we made a vlog, and life was strange and silent and dead or almost-dead or heartbreaking or devastating or exploding with promise. It was a lot of things, this time last year.

Two years ago, my brother brought macaroni & cheese from New Orleans. Stephanie was visiting her family, but Haviland & Mina & Janet came over to my apartment, and eventually my roommate Maggie too. Hav had to leave for her show ... then we went to the movies, the new Christopher Guest thing. It was pouring rain and Mina dashed into the rain like a waterproof tiger to get us a yellow car. Each year I've said I'm thankful for my friends and that I'm not homeless or dead. Last year I think I jinxed myself. I've spent a lot of time the past few years in other people's versions of reality. I can't say which I ultimately liked better. Probably the fantasy.

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quote: "Insofar as you are able, I would ask you, then, to be wary of the distractions of fame and the blandishments of commerce. I would ask you to be tireless and devoted in the courtship of your own imagination. I would ask you to nurture your friendships, your alligence with other human beings. If you feel grief or rage or love, give it a shape so that we as readers will know what you mean, and be able to better understand, better cope with the landscapes of our own grief and rage and love." (Barry Lopez, address to 2008 Whiting Award Winners)

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links:
1. Lulled by the celebritariat - the end of the meritocratic ideal? [by Toby Young of "how to lose friends and alienate people," son of the author of "The Rise of the Meritocracy"] (@prospect uk)
2. Britney Returns. (@rolling stone)
3. I don't even know how I got to this page or what it is -- the linking page has receeded into the history -- but it's just really good so you should read it. (@johnny i hardly knew you)
4. The era that defined Wall Street is finally, officially over. It's not like that movie anymore. (@portfolio)
5. Forty-somethings on Facebook (@forbes)
6. Authors like Elizabeth Gilbert, Nick Hornby, Geraldine Brooks, Melissa Bank tell what they want, what they're giving for the holidays: What to Give & What To Get (@penguin)
7. Chuck and Blair Going To The Movies (@emilymagazine)
8. Greatest Moments of George Bush's Speeches (@achtung baby)
9. The Perfect Workplace: "Jealous of your friend who gets massage at work? Yeah, we are too. Turns out that was just the beginning. As the business world races to merge the lost luxaries of the dotcom boom with the responsibility era, we construct the ideal workplace - Perfect, Inc. (@good magazine)
10. I have a lot of questions about this article, mostly that it seems almost like an encyclopedia entry than a trend piece: Making Artistic Careers Lucrative (@nytimes)
11. Sparkly, Sticky and Creative Art Supplies - the gift finder 2008 (@nymag)
12. Five ways Obama Has Already Changed Washington (@the daily beast.)

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[This week's insomnia poem has been assembled from random lines pulled from my Diaryland entries, spanning August to October of 2000.]

Diaryland Insomnia Magnetic Poetry 2K
Love is How It's Lost, Not How it's Found

Tomorrow,
I am not going to monkey class.

My Mom says my intense fear of the phone,
sweating, etc, is all related to "generalized anxiety."
Is anxiety generally ruling my life?

I mean, I want to have sex, but I don't want to get laid.

This whole campus is horny and drunk, or playing on their computers.
I wonder about all these people.
They confuse and bewilder me.

I had yoga this afternoon.
I already knew the downward dog though,
always two feet ahead.

Apparently, last night, someone peed on Sarah.
And this kid with too many earrings threw up a lot.
And two more people had sex.
I, on the other hand, was rushing.
IT'S ALL RICH WHITE GIRLS.
I quit. Boring, shallow.

I missed the Death Cab for Cutie show on monday
'cause I couldn't think of a single soul that would wanna go with me
except maybe Samara,
but I couldn't call her, 'cause I'm afraid of the phone.

I DON'T FIT IN
and this doesn't embarrass me anymore.

I have friends that don't make any sense,
and a couple who do.

Billy Blanks told me I could do anything if I reached into my soul
and grabbed the piece of me with power.
Even if I'm tired, I can still do it, he said, and I am tired,
so I slept all day.

I'll never get over tea or lights.

I think Al Gore is cute, but if I ever liked him,
a pretty girl would steal him from me.
She wouldn't even know that I liked him.

For the past two nights I've seen Sandra Bullock romantic comedies.
I sit on my bed and it's right at the foot of my bed and
for some reason, I really like that.

That year, Anna dressed as a frog with two little styrofoam eyeballs
on her forehead. I thought that was so cool.
I wanted eyeballs like that too.

The best Halloween was when we did Peter Pan.
I think my Dad was Captain Hook, and Lewis was Peter Pan.
I was Tinkerbell.

I cannot surrender to a moment.

I think some things are just extinct.
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Open Letter to The Future: You've Got Your Whole Life to Lose, Let's Auto-win Some!

I have some ideas about the future. Welcome to a special edition of the Carousel of Progress.

So I get it, I read the news, we're apparently facing some kind of worldwide economic apocalypse. This all seems unreal to me, not 'cause I've been immune to its impact -- because trust me, my consistently near-empty pockets are particularly empty these days -- just 'cause the economy is a structure we set up, like ... as humans? Why'd we invent something so crummy, and why can't we take it back, like a broken toaster? "No thanks, we prefer the fire pit after all, works every time?" I'm down to hunt & gather.

I've been thinking about the future because:

a) I've been reading the answers to What's Your Dangerous Idea? ("The history of science is replete with discoveries that were considered socially, morally, or emotionally dangerous in their time ... What is your dangerous idea? An idea you think about (not necessarily one you originated) that is dangerous not because it is assumed to be false, but because it might be true?") the 2006 question posited by the Edge World Question Center to top scientists around the world.

b) Obama, the economy, the environment ... there's been a lot of talk lately about ... well ... what's gonna happen next.

c) I've been trying to think about the future in a real way lately now that I'm actively increasing rather than decreasing the probability that I'll be around for that much more of it. It's freaky, I don't even know if I love time travel anymore! I guess I only like backwards time travel. I just want to churn butter in my Little House on the Prairie, that's my true destiny in life.

I have some ideas about things I would like The Future to consider for our future.

Okay, dear the future here are some things I would like to see:

1. Factory: The Magazine: So OurChart's over, The L Word's almost over, so many magazines & newspapers are vanishing, and I feel many bloggers are losing steam or simply the time to do so much unpaid writing ... I feel now's the time for someone with a good voice -- hopeful but careful, snarky but tender, ridiculously mind-blowingly intelligent, quick, and clever, queer in sensibility, not gay but also not hetero-normative, not women-targeted but mostly women-staffed -- to emerge and start something really new and spectacular that actually takes prior internet-media lessons learned and applies all of them from the get-go. 'Cause here's what we've been left with: the surviving media is either sarcastic or old-school, the failing media ran the gamut but often was twitching for tradition, the mainstream sources remain as they've always been (dumb).

What about something that actually speaks our language? 'Cause we have one, and it's a little bit newer, but also kinda awesome, and valid. It's diverse and expresses itself in every format we can touch or see or find. We are infinite. I drove home listening to some of the songs we listened to those times when we were infinite.

2. I'd like for New York Sports Club to fix at least three of its machines at the 125th & Broadway location, e.g., the clanking ellipticals. The teevee audio & video is out of sync, the magazine rack's a mess, the seat of the ab machine always slides down, that girl in the yellow shorts needs to see an ED specialist and please for the love of G-d get someone at stall #3 in the ladies room STAT.

3. I'd like to finish writing this novel, or at least 50,000 words of it, by the end of the month of November.

4. It'd be neat to see a smooth transition from Obama's eighth year to Hillary's first, almost like something they'd just talked about the two of them, decided would be best, asked if that was okay with America, and calmly traded chairs.

5. The economic crisis should lead us to question our attachments to material goods and money. Capitalism isn't a religion, and advertising dictates desire dangerously.

We should begin thinking about embracing the DIY movement (thanks to a;ex for this article, @lifehacker: The "Greater Depression" can be a DIY Renissance). We should start making more stuff, and also stop judging one's employment potential by the amount charged to their credit card to buy the suit and the soft makeup for the interview. That's dumb. I really would be totally down with growing my own food, but I live in the city, although I'm getting a lemon tree soon so.

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6. I think books can make it. I think people who write books might have to respond -- as writers always have over the centuries -- to an audience who's taste and attention span has changed. We can produce novels that appeal to new readers without sacrificing intelligence or word count.

I think people are capable of reading a shit-ton of words, now more than ever. Book people need to realize that since paper is the big difference between online writing and books/magazines/newspapers, we should think about how to really sell & market the paper.

Part of our problem? There's too many books to choose from, and due to the mental engagement & silence & time required to read a book, no-one can read every book they want to read in one lifetime and therefore we can't produce infinite books like we do with teevee channels. We're printing too many books. A lot of them suck.

Independent presses are being drowned out by big presses who don't even have the time to focus on quality over quantity, and the reading public is suffering. We have self-publishing for people who can't find a major publisher for their work, so it's not that a shafted writer is left up shit creek without a (albeit not too cool) paddle. If it's that good, your self-published work'll emerge from the muck.

I think literature will survive everything that people are saying against it, but that also means we can't forget about literacy. We need to seriously work on literacy if we want people to read our books!!

So -- we focus on quality, literacy, making the internet work for us and not against us, incorporating new media and targeting different audience styles to our advantage. The independent presses can play that game too, just by promoting the quality-based system on a smaller revenue model.

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7. Pinkberry should bring back the coffee flavor, by popular demand (as you can see in the photo I will wait for ice cream). All grocery stores should carry Sausage & Cheese Breakfast LeanPockets, especially you, FreshDirect. It's not fair that I only know the calorie counts of corporate chain restaurants, you can't convince America that we can only rely on The Man to keep us healthy too and give us the numbers, make everyone do it. No no no. Also, I would like the world to be made of some combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

8. New books by: Lorrie Moore, Miranda July, Maggie Estep and Mary Gaitskill, New music from Uh Huh Her and no more re-runs of Intervention, just new episodes, thanks.

9. I think that Haviland Stillwell should be in "The Farm" which'll reveal itself to be secretly totally awesome. So far it looks kinda weird, like Bad Girls. But whatevs, last time we stole a British queer show concept (Queer as Folk) it turned out a lot better than our own.

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10. I'd like a publisher or magazine to commission me to do a year-long project in which I approach, as a journalist, taking on the jobs of people who I think are bad at their jobs. Like I bitch about Duane Reade but if I worked there, would I be any better? Not like Nickel & Dimed, this'll be more about how we assess service and performance in others than about socioeconomic realities for women.

It would be a 12-month thing and each month I'd have to try to get a job and then work the job at:

1. Time Warner Customer Service
2. 125th & Lennox Starbucks
3. Duane Reade
4. The U.S Postal Service
5. New York Sports Club
6. the editor of an online magazine that will not be named
7. President of the United States George W. Bush
8. Head writer for The L Word
9. The Manicure Lady
10. the pantry chef at The Macaroni Grill I worked at for three years
11. a receptionist at the Ryan Center on 96th street
12. my 10th grade English teacher

And I'd open talking about my ire for said worker of said job and then find out like, well, wtf, could I do any better? You know? I wonder if it'd be harder to be Time Warner Customer Service than it would be to re-design OurChart (that's not the online magazine I refer to, but you know?).

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11. Also I think Prop 8 should be overturned and gay marraige legalized nationwide.

Okay, thanks for listening to my ideas. Let's get going to the Invention Convention! Bring legos and fruit punch please, thanks!

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xoxo
autowin.

Where did the Good VLOG Go? Look it in the eyes ... Haviland & Riese Vlog #31 with advice!

[UPDATE: Vlog is actually working now. Sorry, I drifted off at 4:30 A.M. and forgotten I'd set it to private just in case it messed itself up. It's working! Watch it!] Sorry I've not written anything real in a while -- I think I've been trying to focus most of my writing-related energies to the novel this month. Howevs this week I've been bonding hard core with videos of Haviland Stillwell for all kinds of projects. Also, eating cookie dough out of a roll o'cookie dough we've got in our refrigerator. At night I lie in bed and worry that I face an insurmountable pointless day up ahead, it's part hopelessness and part ambitious anxiety. Part energy and part empty. You know what I mean?

Anyhow, we made a vlog. In it, you can see the signs of aging. It's uploading right now. It's been uploading for such a long time!!! omg. It's 3 AM, I wanna go to bed. We paid Time Warner a bajillion dollars to mess up three times and now that they've gone, we have full cable in the living room that we're paying for, but no more free cable in our rooms -- just four channels or something -- and the internet is now hella slow. Srsly, I want to support Prop No More Time Warner.

So in this vlog, featuring me -- Riese -- as well as Rising Star Haviland Stillwell and rising punctuation mark Semi-chi Rodriguez We're doing the advice column -- and may I say our advice is particularly piss-poor this time around -- in pieces, and on video. If you have any follow-up questions, such as "can I have actual advice?" please do drop us a line at askautowin@yahoo.com.

This week we delve into exciting territories such as: ourselves and my feelings about aging, punctuation, gay moms, straight girl crushes (breaking new ground on this one obvs/jk) and the taste of your cherry chapstick.

Top Ten Foods I Like to Eat I Like to eat Apples and Bananas, Eeples and Beneenees

Top Ten Foods I Like to Eat

1. French fries with hummus, ranch dressing, or ketchup. Also, the honey mustard sauce at Wendy's is primo for french fries. Some people require a lot of ketchup, like it's blood or something, there was a boy in my high school who brought ketchup with him to school, he didn't think they gave him enough., like Miss Pig's Bulk Buy.

2. Mashed potatoes with lots of butter and cream mixed in, or the mashed potatoes & gravy from Boston Market.

There's something about eating mashed potatoes & butter alone that feels sad. Like you've accidentally signed up to live your life in foam, and it's delicious, and you're full and fat of it, like a soft pleasant puppy is napping happily in your stomach. That's how I love mashed potatoes, alone and hearty like that.

3. Rye bread, toasted, with butter.

4. Yogurt bowl = base of yogurt bowl is Stonyfield Farms Fat-Free yogurt in a fruity flavor. it is then mixed with Kashi cereal (your choice -- basically you chose by texture, not by flavor) and accented by fresh berries (ideally raspberries) if available. If not; dried fruit, almonds, frozen fruit de-frosted and the real fruit from the yogurt bottom will have to do). Alternately if you'd like to make a yogurt bowl on the go, just get a Nature's Valley Granola bar and then crumble it up while it's still in the packing, then when you open it you have granola-sized bits of Nature's Valley to insert, one by one as you eat, into your fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt.

I believe Yogurt Bowl as it is currently known to myself and my peers was invented by Natalie Raaber in the year 2003. Nat's variations include nuts, pieces of chocolate, and bolts.

5. A salad with grilled chicken and portabello mushrooms, that hippie brand of Basalmic Vinagrette with Amy the earth goddess or whoohawhatevs on the bottle. They make a great one at the Skylight Diner, Haviland and I order it for delivery so much that we can just refer to it as "Our Salad." Even Alex can be like "do you guys wanna get your salad to split, and I'll get one of your salads too?" and we're like sounds good. add dinner roll, no peppers, extra melba crackers, no onions. We've been sharing that salad since 2006. And the beat goes on.

6. Pinkberry medium coffee flavor -- and here i must pause, for they are going to discontinue it for the season and replace it with pomegranate or something lame-o like that. With bananas, raspberries and granola.

7. English muffin toasted with melted munster cheese on top.
7a. Grilled cheese sandwich with cheddar cheese
7b. Quesadilla, plain, just cheese.

8. Whole wheat eggo waffle toasted, buttered, with syrup, two smushed together syrups-side down, then eaten while they are still sticky, getting your hands all sticky and then the computer desk all sticky too, but it's okay, because your mouth is having a serious pool party.

9. Cheeseburger from Better Burger . I pretend to like their fries 'cause I am pretending to be a person who'd eat healthy fries if they were available oh! here they are! yum yum!

10. I like to get a grande skim latte and eat it while also eating a little trail mix of cashews, almonds and dried cherries (they sell it highly-processed at Starbucks, or you can get it yoruself at a health food store) or while also eating peanut butter crackers (the Ritz kind that come in a 6-pack in the style of Peanut Butter & Toast crackers, 'cause the Ritz ones are way better and more buttery and the little Ritz ones are shit) or orange peanut butter crackers. I used to sometimes have that blueberry coffee cake they had at Starbucks, but the Calorie Count on everything is sort of a buzzkill.

There's some foods that I love but I don't love to eat these foods 'cause they make me feel icky about myself afterwards, like apple cobbler, cupcakes and big cheeseburgers, so I only eat them on special occasions. Those foods aren't on this list because this is a list for foods I like to eat.

11. Vodka tonic. Really, I think it tastes good now. Between vodka-tonic and juice, I pick vodka-tonic. Between vodka-tonic and Coca-Cola Classic -- tough call. Probs go with the Coke. But that's not gonna make me feel fleetingly infinite (the kind of feeling infinite where you're totally aware of and at peace with the fact that it will only be infinite for a few moments more). I do like it though. I'm not going to sell you products made by asshats, but I do like that drink. I can tell you the truth about that. Sometimes a girl has nothing else she can say besides this is what I like to eat. I mean that I'm not starving, therefore, I am not sad feeling all the time. I'm not like any of the people I just read about in I Live Here. I'm in America, and we just elected Obama, and I have food on the table, or in the pot if it's ramen. So I am okay. I have nothing to be sad about, I am lucky. Look at all the foods I like! All of those I like to eat them. I like expensive foods too but I don't put them on this list 'cause I don't like to eat things that make me stress about money, so I can only eat them when I'm rich that day or someone else is paying. Anyhow that's not important. What's important is how we are hungry.

i call automatic fun! when? today! okay! 11.20.2008.

[UPDATE! The Weblog Awards are actual awards that actually matter, I swear, and today Friday the 21st is the last day they're accepting nominations for Best LGBT blog. So gimme a nod, if you've got a minute. Thanks!!]

Remember when I said I'd be posting a lot this week? That was a neat idea! Unfortunately my actual (paid) workload for this week is growing like the hungry caterpillar and I haven't been able to deliver y'all my deliverables. Luckily I make my own rules so I can change them and if you don't like it then I hate you, I'm sorry, I just hate you!

Anyhow, when one cannot follow through fully one does follow through partially. For example, I've got the scoop on The L Word spinoff The Farm on Ausostraddle, the SON recap will be a double-header next week for eps 13 & 14 'cause I don't got no time this week to do 13 and I think it's mostly about Glen anyhow and Glen is not hot, not gay, and not Spashley, therefore he is not punk, not vegan, not hot, and not fun, and not cool, and not this week sorz. Also, Haviland and I made a vlog, I'll edit it some time. If you want me to work faster, give me your money, some Lean Pockets, a back massage, a pony or a lemon tree. (UPDATE: Lemon tree is taken care of, thank you autumn.) I have some screencaps to whet your appetite.

I'm listening to all your emo music, you weirdos. It's okay, luckily I'm a weirdo too, so it's just what the blogger ordered. No really it's totally fucking awesome. It's like mind control in a good way. I'm the one being controlled. You're the controllers. I like to switch roles sometimes. JK, usually I'm the M of S&M. I just made that up. I just flew in, boy are my arms tired!

Sometimes the search terms that bring people here depress me. Aside from the usual -- my name, the l word stuff, the blog names, etc -- we've got the search terms like the following ...

very depressing search terms from the autowin/autostraddle search referrals list

top 10 reasons not to drink alone
vaagina [i'm curious when i made that error, but not curious enough to click it]
i depend on you and it's making me weak
will he ever want to date me
what happened to chelsea and clays baby on south of nowhere?
what does "we hold these truths to be self evident" mean
this girl plugs everything into her vagina
taco bell floor plan
straddle bitches
real chance of love girls
rider strong interview BOP (I feel like stef is the only one who will know who rider strong is and what BOP is and therefore find this funny in a really sad way)
piano and nsa hookups
is staying up all night better than four hours sleep
inmyhole
if i want to write a girl something fun what would i say
i wear my old overalls to junior high school every day
how to wear a flannel shirt and look like a girl
haviland stillwell lesbian
best ideas for how to know and fuck a girl

Also anyone who wants to know about that last one, you should email sugarbutch.

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automatic fun! it's automatic, like winning, and air conditioning! I wish I'd had the foresight to name it Auto-Magic, but I didn't always know that I'd grow up and get special powers like a wizard.

quote: "I know I'm running away but my heart has become a sterile zone where nothing can grow. I don't want to face facts, shape up, snap out of it. In the pumped-out, dry bed of my heart, I'm learning to live without oxygen. I might get to like it in amaschochistic way. I've sunk too low to make decisions and that brings with it a certain lightheaded freedom. Walking on the moon there's no gravity. There are dead souls in uniform ranks, spacesuits too bulky for touch, helmets too heavy for speech. The miserable millions moving in time without hope. There are no clocks in Misery, just endless ticking." (JeanetteWinterson, Written on the Body)

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links:
1. I love it when this happens, it's like two of my most glorious worlds colliding, bookslut meets gender theory :Let's Talk About Sex (@the smart set)
2. Read this article about Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin and feminism please, thank you: How the Year of the Woman Actually Sent Women Back: The Bitch and The Ditz (@nymag)
3. Omg, Thomas Kinkaide. (@vanity fair)
4. Love in the time of Darwinsim. (@city)
5. Bullies Like Bullying: How did a nonstory on an iffy study end up in The New York Times? (maybe 'cause you keep firing journalists?) (@slate.com)
6. I love Sarah Vowell, I love things that are funny, I love "Stuff I've Been Reading," Nick Hornby's column in The Believer which I sometimes attempt to recreate here, therefore I love, la-la-la-love, Introduction to Nick Hornby's Shakespeare Wrote for Money by Sarah Vowell. There's even an Emily Dickinson namedrop! Come on PEOPLE come on. (@mcsweeny's)
7. Good job dudes, Equality California reports that California will hear the case against Prop 8 ! (@eqca)
8.The Girl I Brought Home Didn't Wake Up in the Morning (@nerve.com)
9. Nate Silver is my homegirl: An interview with John Zieglar on the Zogby "Push Poll" (@FiveThirtyEight.com)
10. Tragedy Tomorrow, Economic Woes Tonight: Broadway Braces for a Squeeze (@nytimes)

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leisha hailey dance
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Obvs I Cannot Leave the Apartment Again Until December at the earliest

So many things happening! Firstly, Carly's interview with Tinkerbell's favorite band Uh Huh Her is on Logo's NewNowNextMusic, watch it! Secondly, anyone who read Autowin back in the day may remember Rambo, my go-to het before [I stopped working at the lit agency and became an underperforming client of the agency instead and] Lozo came into my life. Rambo -- "Stephen" if you're nasty -- does Publishers Weekly's Soapbox this week and he mentions the Query Letter Drinking Game that Cameron and I wrote, and that makes me happy. Read it!

Thirdly, BIG weekend for me w/r/t leaving the apartment.

1) The Sex Blogger Calendar Release Party ! [photo of A;ex and I at the party, left, from calendar photographer Stacie Joy ]

I hear a lot of fun things happened at this party. Photographs suggest strippers, snacks, signings, and general revelry. I remember having a conversation with the good ppl from njoy.com -- they sponsored our calendar and sell a variety of delightful sexual toys on their superhot website -- and that they very gamely entertained my attempts at self-deprecation when I told them that although I hadn't yet plugged them and their fabulousness yet, I totally would, but that they shouldn't stress 'cause all my readers are poor and don't like sex. See, I thought that was funny at the time.

As I've mentioned about 500 times, I'm not exactly "outgoing," so when you combine my personality with "very very drunk" and "my BFF from Los Angeles just flew in yesterday and is here!" and even a guest appearance by LOZO and one of the random Jewish boys he carts around with him -- I apparently managed to ensconse myself into my own little world so thoroughly that the only person who asked me to sign their calendar is also in the calendar.

Maybe I was not recognized sans wig. Maybe I radiate hostility. You never know! When she asked me, I think I said something retarded about myself, like "that's not me," or 'I'm a virgin," or ... really it's all a big blur in my head 'til the part when we were at a diner w/Haviland, A;ex and A;ex's friend Colleen eating grilled cheese and french fries, a meal I probs should've consumed about five hours earlier.

I also recall chatting with my friends Morgan and Diane, seeing Caitlin Mae in a stewardess outfit, calling my Mom (deathiversary day), listening to a voice mail from my Grandma that made me cry and I had to step outside (thank G-d for Haviland obvs), and some woman telling us we couldn't sit at the Raffle table and the eternally kick-ass Jayme Waxman being like "whatevs, I am Wonder Woman, they can sit wherevs they want."

ANYHOW! The party was awesome, ladies got nekkid, the calendar is hot, Buy one! 100% of the proceeds go to Sex Work Awareness.

2) No on Prop 8 Rally!

Over 10,000 people came to this giant gathering of homosexual love at City Hall on november 15th, 2008, to protest the passing of Prop 8, and obvs A;ex, Haviland and I were among them. There's lots of reasons that a person might wish they were a bird. One of those is when you wanna know how big a protest is or where those voices are coming from. We discovered the latter when we chose to leave the masses to get a latte and find Carly, which's also when we realized how HUGE it was. An amazing inspirational mass of people who've come together for this cause and believe in it. We believe in it enough to come together all over the country for California.

This is serious, y'all, the times they are a'changin'. The intolerant people are gonna have to move to deserted islands, apparently there are lots of deserted islands all over the world, according to A;ex, this came up in a conversation about how I think I know everything but I don't. Allegedly.

Although I would've preferred the Dazzle Dancers performing for us as well as some Mormons to yell at directly, I tried to summon all the revolutionary spirit of my ancestors and yell at the choir just the same. Kim Stolz actually rocked the mike and I'm not just saying that 'cause I fancy her, and the signs obvs were amazing as I'm sure you've read. We didn't have a sign because we overslept (see: Sex Bloggers Party) and arrived fully prepared for a rainshower.

I just hope that we can make something happen, obvs, I heart the cause.

I mean everyone should marry who they want to, and anyone who disagrees with me --- well, I hate you. If you voted Yes on Prop 8, I'm sorry, I just hate you!

If Looks Could Kill, Your Other Mother Would Be Dead (Season Six from Autostraddle)

As you know, although we're all presently alive, we will one day be dead as doornails. Some earlier than others; e.g., Dana Fairbanks, who came down with a mean case of Chaiken Cancer two years ago and died almost instantly. We'll always remember Dana as a victim of The L Word's effort to kill & gut & emotionally manipulate its most loyal fans. There's a new Season Six promo that suggests with trademark beating-a-dead-horse-isms that someone will be killed this season. "If looks could kill," the smarmy voice over woman deadpans ... "this season the killer looks are not about beauty" ... "look out for a killer season of The L Word ..." Either this means a guest spot by The Killers (which'd be fitting, as "Read my Mind" is the best song to do the Leisha Hailey dance to), or it means one of Papi's bitches is gonna come back for some old-fashioned justice. Who will it be?

[continue reading on autostraddle ...]

Sunday Top 10: What We Do When We Should be Doing Other Things

As I see it, there's approximately ten reasons that my life's achievements have not progressed as speedily as I imagined they would when I was a young girl growing up in the throbbing heart of this fine country, gazing at the stars and thinking about becoming the next Shirley Temple and/or Nolan Ryan and/or Beverly Cleary.

10. Small cleaning projects, large daunting cleaning/organizing projects I will never complete but enjoy contemplating, general housekeeping, room/apartment set-up projects.

9. The possibility that someone has tagged a photo of me on facebook or that I appear in the background of a photo taken of Harlem Election '08. My interest in the latter is due to my obsession with figuring out exactly how large the crowd was and therefore where exactly we were positioned relative to the masses. Why do I care about this? I have no idea.
9a. Perhaps there are new photos from Carly's Halloween Tabloid Trainwreck Party, or from the No on 8 Rally or the Sex-Blogger party?

8. Twitter, the most distracting and brain-damaging and delicious application ever invented in the history of the universe, right after Twix Peanut Butter Bars and alcohol. I actually feel twitter is useful in that it's just enough distraction to satiate, but not so much that I get sucked in forevs.

This philosophy is behind my new week-long initiative to post a lot but with brevity. I'll try to pull off at least one traditional long-form piece this week, but I'm mostly testing if bits and pieces is more efficient/entertaining/enriching.

7. "If I read a few more pages of this book, I bet the book I'm actually writing would get a lot better."

6. Perfecting my i-tunes playlist. I've even saved tracking down a few of my reader-garnered suggestions for the next time I'd like to be distracted in a way that feels, ever so slightly, productive.

5. My dream job is probably on mediabistro right now.
5a. But look at this new article on gawker/jezebel/the ny times about how there are no more dream jobs and we should all surrender to the lure of the U.S. Sanitation department or day-care operation.

4. I owe emails to (a lot of people). This is cyclical, 'cause after I write back, they write me back. This is obvs the point, as these are people I enjoy hearing from, but nevertheless this becomes a daunting task 'cause it does not end, like filling a lake with an eyedropper.

3. Haviland blackberry messages me every time she has a feeling or thinks she has a feeling, and she has a lot of feelings. If I'm looking for a distraction, I can just pick up my phone and there's a 60% chance there will be a Haviland message awaiting my input.

2. Is it time to eat again yet? Probs time to eat again. I'm not hungry but I should probs eat more food, because that will give me the energy I need to succeed. Or a drink. I'm so funny when I'm drunk! SOOOO funny!

1. "I should write a blog post."

[Now that I do this, I realize there are so many more than ten. I haven't even gotten into tweezers, facial analysis, re-watching old vlogs, re-organizing files and folders and reading about reading!]

Ultimately, I Burned the Popcorn.

Best excerpt so far from the book containing all my Diaryland entries from 2000 (I was looking for a detail I needed for my occasionally truth-based novel):

"My brother said that I don't like automatic anything. Like I don't like the auto air conditioning setting on the Bravada that allegedly adjusts the SUV temperature to what is considered ideal. I don't use cruise control either 'cause it scares me. I try to pretend that the little knob that turns the car from neutral to drive is my stick shift, even though I don't have the patience to learn stick. I used the automatic popcorn function on the microwave last night and it made me very nervous. Microsoft Office is automatically correcting my spelling, grammar and other typos, and it's really, really annoying. Not comforting at all, like some other recent technological advances.

It's raining super hard. I drove halfway home with no windsheild wipers, which I thought would be cool, but it was really just stupid.

I am ruled by fear and apprehension."

(August 27th, 2000)

automatic fundamentalist movement of the day: 11.14.2008

I've been feeling weird lately. No words, just weird. No lies, just love. No woman, no cry. Listen up.

1. Hey! Are you a computer programmer/web designer person? Remember that day in February when I screamed at Haviland on the phone, tore down a bunch of stuff from my walls and then took down my website? Barely? Yeah me too. I think I also took down my blog for many minutes, but I might be thinking about another day, that's my number one go-to action in a moment of crisis.

So Stef & Alex, my crack team of "website makers" who really take the time to do things right ... are apparently at a crossroads w/the website that they cannot traverse without ... um, well, here's Stef explaining it: "the one thing i cannot figure out how to do is keep the sections highlighted while you're on a particular page. that's something that i think requires flash, but jade thinks it can be done with php. as i never planned on being a web designer in the first place (tiny violins), i never learned these things. i should! but i didn't."

Anyone? Email: big exit.

I personally have developed an almost violent reaction to any & all offers to work (for me work = write) for "exposure" (translation = unpaid). Until I can trade exposure for a colt and/or vodka and/or an amber wave of grain, I got all the free exposure I need. Luckily I'm not offering you any exposure. I don't know if this is something that takes a long time, but clearly you know -- 'zine, t-shirt, stickers, L Word Season Five on DVD, autographed snapshot of Haviland Stillwell -- just say so. You want to. If it becomes a big project and you need to get paid, um, then maybe we can work something out. I'm expecting at least $20 at Christmas, so. No srsly I am.

---

Quote: "I realized that once people are broken in certain ways they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one." (Douglass Coupland, Life After God)

---

Link-a-Dink:
1. Ann Arbor my hometown! Voted one of the most gay-friendly places to live. I don't know anything about this nonsense. (@mlive)
2. Yes, yes they are: is the books world short-changing its bright young women ? (@the guardian uk)
3. Southern voters weren't the only whites who didn't vote Obama. (@slate)
4. n+1 on bolano (adam, it's a party just for you) and Sam Anderson on Bolano. Also someone tell me how to make that accent mark. The one that's supposed to be over the "n." (@nymag)
5. Don't Blame the Journalism - on the decli
6. Amazing interview with Dan Savage (@mediabistro)
7. 350... the most important number in the world that nobody's talking about (@good magazine)
8. Internet is mind control. (@nytimes)
9. Can Obama Save the Media Industry ? (Sub question: Can Dramatic Headlines Like That One from Newsweek Save the Media Industry That Happens to Include Nesweek?) (@newsweek)
10. South of Nowhere Recap! Season Three, Episode 12: Love & Kisses.
11. Susan Powter on "The Morning Show":

Mike: "Here's the thing: I didn't know know you were a lesbian."
Susan: "What planet were you living on?" (@afterellen)

pictures from tapedeck.I totally found all the ones I used to use, the 90 minute tapes to make mix tapes. The internet is neat.

---

2. This is a good post so far, yeah? Anyhow, I've given up on blogrolling ever fixing itself ... so I'm fixing stuff in the sidebars myself as I do other work. If I owe you a link and you don't see it up within the next few days, holler.

3. OMG OMG! I just had a brilliant idea about how to keep the internet media going because all these magazines and stuff are closing but it's not 'cause people aren't reading newspapers, 'cause they ARE, they just aren't paying for it anymore, making it hard for good journalists to go into journalism and live off it. And bloggers are quitting left & right and omg. Okay the idea is that internet service providers tack on a like 20 dollar annual tax or something to everyone's internet, and at the start of every year, everyone who gets internet pays that tax and they are given the choice of distributing it to whatever media source they wish. Like you might give $15 to HuffoPo and $5 to the New York Times or you might give $2 to every good blog you read like mine. Yeah?

Okay, the other idea is that someone should put together a gift certificate site in the same way that Justgive.org or Charity Choice operates, except about 5% as noble. So if you have a friend who's big into blogs, you can give here a justgivetobloggers.org "gift certificate" online that she can then use to donate to the blogs of her choice that she really likes and has always wanted to throw some cash to but never been able to afford it. Yeah?

Except really you should probs forget all this and give your money to real charities. Although here's the thing -- you actually could, because you could give to like a noble news provider e.g., truthdig, or you could give to like the free tibet blog.

4. Wanna see what I look like as my alter ego, Hedwig the Fabulous Tinkerbell? The best part is that, ISO a post about actual sex, they had to find their pullquote from the big strip club trip of '07, exclusively covered on Autowin since Lozo doesn't have his blog up anymore sigh.

Auto-Fun of Nov. 11th 2008: Like a Kite That Floats So Effortlessly

Intro, The Week to Come: There's this Azure Ray song "November." Every November I listen to it and feel really emo: so we're speeding towards that time of year, to the day that marks that you're not here. This week leaves little time for emo, there's so much going on! ... Rising Star Haviland Stillwell is coming to town, it's Stef's birthday on Wednesday, The Sex Blogger Calendar Release Party is on Friday, and then there's this Saturday's NO ON 8 Rally at NYC's city hall (wanna read my opinion on it again okay here, wanna watch it okay here ). I might even recap South of Nowhere ! Or set up my room! Or put up curtains in the living room!

Also. Also. Also. It's Lozo's birthday today!

Where's Papi?: The L Word Season Six Promo is out! So far Shane's hair seems to be on a good track. Someone's gonna get killed apparently. My money's on Jodi, she'll be like "I never even heard them coming!" Hey-o!

Where's Hedwig? You know who else has a teaser out? The New York Sex Blogger Calendar! We were in Em&Lo's Daily Bedpost, for which I continued my erratic support for this project with a two-line bio I don't remember writing. Holler! 6:30 - 9:30 pm at the White Rabbit on 145 E. Houston between Forsyth and Eldridge. There will be Burlesque performers, free foods, crazy raffles and the first 100 to arrive will get a FREE gift bag from Babeland!! Plus, Semicolon and Haviland are going! The costume of the day is edgy black tie (for us), you can wear what you wish.

Ideas for signs for NO ON 8 Rally:
-Really 52% of Californians? Really?
-Ellen and Portia are HOT
-Hands Down Totes NO
-Give EZGirl the right to marry!
-Don't Leave Carmen De La Pica Morales alone at the altar!

OMG, I'm so clever, I should just be a sign-maker. This holiday season instead of doing t-shirts we will be selling signs.

Advice Column/Riese & Hav Vlog: So Hav and I obviously need to do another advice column vlog while she's in town. Some of you asked questions in August that I'm sure you still want answers to, if you haven't lost faith in us altogether. Askautowin@yahoo.com. Or just comment, but then everyone will know what a fuck-up you are. For the first time in advice column history I am offering you the chance to ask a question and get your answer within about two weeks, which's essentially record time, possibly even an acceptable turnaround time for taking action. Also you can ask us questions that have nothing to do with homosexuality or bisexuality, I promise. Like if you wanna know how to ride your husband's hobby horse, you know, give us a shot. You might be surprised what we know. If I was in the band "an horse," I would feel weird about saying that all the time. "An Horse." I mean it doesn't roll off the tongue. It's certainly no "Bruce Springsteen."

---

Auto-Fun:

Quote: "How attractive trouble feels in paradise. The place next door where pain is an option begins to whisper ... a wish to stir the stilled air with a serrated knife ... woo a stranger so you'll not be mutinous alone, to lie down knowingly among the nettles and the thorns." (stephen dunn, "paradise")

---

Links:
1. Obamaism: "It's a kind of religion. But one rooted in a deep faith in rationality. Last week, New York rejoiced in its promise. And sang the National Anthem in the streets." (@nymag)
2. When to Work for Free: "No one ever filled a gas tank or bought groceries with exposure." (@nytimes)
3. Foes, a new story by Lorrie Moore! (@the guardian uk)
4. Top Ten Most Irritating Phrases. (@the telegraph)
5. A Rough Night for Gay Obama Supporters: "Around us, the ecstatic volunteers updated the chant. "Yes! We! Did! Yes! We! Did!" When we got home from the celebration, we got the news about Proposition 8. (@salon)
6. Will the White House website work as a social network? (@slate)
7. With Lozo, Sloganx and EV Idiot all recently closing up shop I'm inclined to agree that to some extent ... the blog is dying. (@roughtype) My theory? We're either getting paid for it, or sick of doing it for free. I'm not getting paid for it, I am sick of doing it for free, but there's something else that keeps me here. Maybe it's just all I know at this point. I used to say it was leading into paying gigs, but are there any paying gigs anymore? I dunno. I think I'm determined to get paid by Google AdSense eventually. The Economist says blogging is no longer what it was. (@the economist, obvs)
Only two percent of bloggers can make a living from it. (@mediabistro). Excellent!
8. Socially conscious book buying (@good)
9. My Four Weddings: How Getting Gay Married Became an Olympic Sport for me or "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mormons." (@the daily beast)
10. poem. prayers. by rae armantrout (@the new yorker)
11. Lindsay Lohan might be an actual bisexual, not a unicorn. (@afterellen)
12. Little Edie Beale: The Ultimate Recessionista (@jezebel)

[eoin stanley ]

insomnia poem #19

thinking now of a job i could believe in
a job to go to,
even
dress/stand for,
a uniform with a collar & logo
a shirt that smells like wok oil and afterwork
you wear it out 'cause
if it was between you and betty ford
on a desereted one drink island
you'd punch her paunch like red party punch
drunken licky lips and hi-ho all the way home

i'd like to job at edible arrangements.
i believe in pineapple flowers.
btw my heart is half apple, half blood,
bite me i can make a flower from a pineapple.

insomnia poem #20

no use fighting it.
these are my favorite hours of the day
fists full of cookie jar
should be sleeping
feeling out of it
yet still
impossibly, and for no reason at all,
able to write shit down and make poeple look at it.
even if it's just a few people.
like, hey, what's up. it's daytime
in australia.
it's nighttime on the west coast
here we are.
it's no time here in my bed here we are.

Actual Sunday Top Ten: Built A Wall of Books Between Us in Our Bed

OMG, this is the first Sunday Top Ten I've written in eons! Earlier I asked you for book/music suggestions to fuel me during National Novel Writing Month and let me say if there is anyone out there who still doubts that the internet is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time ... this is your answer. I've got a kickass playlist started now and will be checking out Aimee Bender stat -- if you've still got suggestions than please do go ahead and gimme gimme gimme more, even though I've now deleted the part where I told you what I wanted.

"Trying to write a novel" is a familiar feeling to me. Every word I write feels like a word I've written before. Why? Because, according to my hard drive (which doesn't contain early typewriter or PC-penned works, e.g., the YA series The Pink Parrots about a girls baseball team), I've started approximately 10 bajillion novels already. Let's comb through the ashes of my prolific output, shall we?

Why have I written so many novels? I don't know. Have I ever done anything with any of these novels? No I have not, except Jennie Novel, which I mass produced & binded properly for distribution at emerson middle school. My friends gave it five thumbs up and then my Dad gave me a stern talking-to regarding how printers age. It's not just about the ink, which is replacable, but about "wear & tear" on the printer. V.important to know.

Anyhow! I've signed up for NaNoWriMo 'cause I like to live on the edge of a mental breakdown at all times, putting in as little sleep as possible and spreading myself thinly across a variety of unpaid projects so that I can live up to my family's expectations by becoming a very promising & talented failure who once published an article in Marie Claire.

++
TOP TEN NOVELS I WROTE [OR STARTED] BEFORE WRITING THIS NOVEL

My earliest works are mostly adolescent attempts to write the life I wish I had and to do my best interpretation of an Aaron Spelling television melodrama in novel form. Inspired by Francine Pascal, I'm sure.

I was seemingly obsessed with things I'd never done: boys, girls, drugs, parties, shopping sprees, fancy best friends, drunken evenings of wild revelry, etc. But yet I never wrote a protagonist with a living, breathing father -- I manage to get all the way into "Tara and Becca" without mentioning ANY fathers whatsoever, as if they'd never existed. Oh, The Land of Mothers.

---

10. Jennie Novel (1993) - Let's Get Sick and Cry!

Word count: Unknown, as this file no longer exists (never fear, I've got a hard copy) and I'm not sure if the lyrics to Now and Forever count as words anyhow. FINISHED!

Inspired by Lurlene McDaniel and Major Depressive Disorder, the story of a girl who's friends are dying of cancer or something. She paints murals in trance-like states, spends a lot of time sitting on the front porch thinking, cries often, and seemingly listens exclusively to the League of Their Own soundtrack.

In addition to the fantastic play BUT THEY ARE MAD and the screenplay HIGH ON LIFE [which we read from in this video] we also found JENNIE NOVEL while packing up my apartment in August and read some sections out loud. I asked Stef if she could say a few words about it:

"I'd place it somewhere between Crime and Punishment and Are You There God? It's Me Margaret in terms of its influence on the trajectory of my adult life. I remember there was melodrama and cancer, and I remember wishing I had a copy of my own that i could keep at my bedside always."

(Stef, a.k.a Uh[Hu]ltragirl)

---

9. Fly By Night (1995->1997) - My Name is Cornholio, Give me Fire!
Words: 29,919 - FINISHED!

Began as a short story called "The Firemaker," clearly attempting to capitalize on the popularity of Steven King's "Firestarter," which was a big hit amongst the popular boys in class I had crushes on. Erin runs away from home with her little brother Tommie who complains she's spent all their food money "on matches." Erin meets a Jordan Catalano look-a-like named Fly down by the schoolyard and together they build a home, family, etc., and then send dear Tommie to live with a foster family. Erin recovers from her dangerous addiction and gets her G.E.D.

Opening: "Erin threw an isolated flickering flame into a pile of boxes. The fire was instantly spread. Box after box slowly turned to black then dissolved into a small white ash."

It's the large white ash you've gotta look out for kids, FYI.

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8. 1995 (1995) - The Secret Life of the American Teenager!
Words: 28,642 - UNFINISHED!

Due to its explicit sexual content, I kept this diary-style novel hidden on the family computer in a folder called "School Stuff." I know, I'm very smart, I learned that and other stuff in school. It appears to be the story of a girl who goes from unpopular to popular, gets better clothing and a boyfriend & then another boyfriend -- much like the storyline promised to me by 'Teen Magazine if I used Love's Baby Soft.

Opening: "After school tomorrow I go ride Black Knight, my horse. If it wasn't for him, I don't know what would keep me going. It's like I'm so depressed all the time. I have no friends, I don't get good grades, no one thinks I'm pretty except for my parents. I have only two friends, and they're both losers. At least I have some money."

Last paragraph: "We went over to his house and smoked pot, and had sex. Then we ordered pizza, and his friend, Jack, came over, who was really funny. We just joked around a lot. Then Tyson drove me home, and I gave him head on the way back."

I know! !!! I guess after that there was really nothing else to say?

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7. Fate and the Love Triangle - 1996 - Like a bad chick flick, in words!
Words: 22,634 - UNFINISHED!

Luckily this particular polemic lays out its plot & purpose straight away: "This is a story about the Lovelock sisters: Louisa, Winona, Gabrielle and Claire, and the four men who are fated to be with them -- the four men who are the only ones in the world who can make these four women happy. This is a story about love, fate, friendship and the importance of sisterhood."

Apparently attempting to dethrone Louisa May Alcott with a contemporary tale that tackles the Big Issues. I just want to add that Winona (named after Winona Ryder, my Number One Girl Crush) works at The Gap and when they go to Kroger's, Claire gets "popsicles, candy, soda pop, Kids TV dinners, frozen shrimp, frozen mozerella sticks, frozen pizza, frozen bagel bites, blueberry bagels, cream cheese, Handi-Snacks and Fruit Roll Ups." Much like my own shopping list at that time.

Adventures in naming: Eye doctor Michael Martini, U-M student/paramour Leonardo Alexander, band Blind Eye Dog

---

6.Tara and Becca - 1996 - TACCA!
Words: 16,146. UNFINISHED!

I reeled this clutter from the depths about 1.5 years ago when I did a search on my hard drive for "Tara," trying to locate I guess something related to my then-girlfriend named Tara.

Like 95% of my adolescent writings, the narrator loses her virgnity, rebels against her Mom, admires her friends' mini-skirts, gets raped maybe, becomes popular, goes shopping, is torn between boyfriends, and has intense sexual yearnings towards her best friend and idol, Tara.

When I found this seminal work I showed it to T[ara]B and later we read it together out loud, LOL'ing at its inanity and well -- so many odd things. Beginning with -- how odd, the character's first name being Tara.

And how odd, the opening line: "Tara is so crazy. I mean, when I get around her...it’s like I can’t even control myself anymore."

---

5. Underground Nation - '96 - Let's Rave!
Words: 9,124. UNFINISHED!

"imagine this story as a fully dressed person who by the end is naked." Written in loosely punctuated bizarre half sentences and run-ons, reading this work is comporable to being trapped on a Shanghai-bound airplane with a speed freak 16-year old who won't stop talking about her boyfriends, super hot bff sadie and her bubble gum.

I must be imitating someone, unfortunately for myself I think this is when I read A Clockwork Orange.

nouns invented for crazy underground nation: pissant, crazyheart, mallboy, firesmoke
adjectives: sexyhot, nextofkin, funashell.

description of a rave: "walking in there originally to the rave, just a lot of all strungout people like here and there. downstairs just red lights, drugs and music real good music and people just dancing in their underground minds...diffrent than the one in the daylight and in the lifetime that is to be seen."

---

Once you enter the world of writing-related academia, novel-writing falls to the wayside in favor of shorter forms. Or perhaps it was just that I got older, and had less leisure time, or that I liked my life well enough that I didn't feel the need to immerse myself in the alternate reality enabled by writing novels.

Instead I wrote a memoir, short stories, articles, essays, screenplays, teleplays. Unfortunately! 'Cause obvs we're all on the edges of our seats about Tyson and the BJ.

'Cause I might try to pass these novels off later when I can't find a new metaphor, I'll stay illusive (jk, I just don't know how to figure out what they're about, as they were all Corrections -style polemics intent on family history before plot development).

---

4. Untitled. Apple Works Doc Name: "Book.cwk." - September '03

Words: 3,740 - probs shorter than this blog post! - UNFINISHED!

Opening: "In the picture at the zoo, I am four years old and I am wearing courdoroys and stylish Adidas sneakers. I have blonde pigtails and a genuine smile that says nothing but Look at Me, I am in Front of the Elephant. Look at the Elephant!"

sidenote I totally know what picture I'm talking about there, and it's adorbs.
++
3. Untitled. Apple Works document name: "A big Book." - January '04
Words: 5,184 - UNFINISHED! (not such a big book after all.)

Opening: "My first tragic experience with another man's legs occurred in line at Showcase Cinemas, where my father and I were giddy with excitement for the release of The Never-ending Story Part 2."

++
2. Untitled. Ambitious Doc Name: "Great American Novel." Nice, Riese! - April '04->June '05
Words: 17,925 - UNFINISHED!

Opening: "When Leah was apprehended on the roof of Moore High, she was wearing an army-green bikini and cradling a water gun bigger than her thigh."

++
1. For A Girl - August '05 - January '06

Words: 32,539 UNFINISHED!

I might actually still write this one so I CAN'T GIVE IT AWAY! It was actually gonna be a seriously well planned YA series y'know like Gossip Girl! Abandoned it when the bisexuality book project started. Howevs the older I get, the further away kids these days become, they're probs all robots by now who don't know how to grow a tomato. I think I often write for adolescents 'cause I feel they'll be more tolerant of suckage. The title was inspired by the Madonna song. "What it feels like for a girl ... " etc.

Also I think I totally recycled/revamped the intro for relevant inclusion in the blog post "The Night Starts Here." This is the first sentence from that book, lame as it might be: "The thing is; we all feel we have gotten away with something. We are spies in a cheap detective movie, Elmer Fudd in body glitter and sunglasses the shapes of crop circles."

---

The Autobiography of Sancho Panza - right now!

Why am I writing this post? To remind myself of the 190,853 words (giving Jennie Novel 20K) that I've written for no-body and to make myself finish this one, because clearly the only promises I've kept since the 90's have been ones I've made here, to the blog readers of the Great Universe of the Blogosphere Webberhead.

I think I'm gonna finish Underground Nation, in the first scene A;ex and I are going to go to a fancy benefit (her firm did their design), get drunk for free and then actually willingly go to Nation just to dance to good music for three hours.

Then I'm gonna come home, be super drunk, tell A;ex if she wants to have a serious conversation we can talk about Gossip Girl, wake up on Sunday super hung over, and write this. It's like autobiographical, but with suspense, mystery, life, love, truth, death, heartbreak, dancing, and feelings, all wrapped into a sandwich comporable to The Catcher in the Rye meets Rubyfruit Jungle. Buy together and save 30% on Amazon today with The L Word Book, Annie on my Mind, Lying: A Memoir and Prozac Nation.

Auto-Fun of the Brand New Bright Beautiful Day: 11-7-2008

Good Morning America! Welcome to the rest of your life! GOBAMA! The "No on 8" fight continued in full force after election day, and Haviland's been giving me reports of really inspirational crowds at recent West Hollywood rallies ... howevs, prospects remain dim ... way dimmer, actually. I don't mean to sound like I'm at Kentucky Fried Chicken with my Mom in 1987 throwing a tantrum 'cause she'll only let me have mashed potatoes OR french fries rather than both, but I feel saddened that Obama's triumphant victory has been slightly overshadowed by this heartbreaking loss. I hate everyone! JK, I love Tinkerbell and Sasha Obama.

YES WE CAN! Except ... the publishing industry (that's mine, hypothetically) is tanking. Job cuts at Time, Rodale, Hearst, The New York Times, McGraw-Hill, the L.A. Times, and Conde Nast. Magazines keep folding like paper planes, sigh. Probs not the best time to start my own.

Speaking of the art of losing, my leg has remained the same, looking as if my leg dressed up as Frankenstien for Halloween and forgot to take off the costume. But I discovered it's a fantastic opportunity to play with photobooth.

---

quote: "Basically, I realized, I was living in that awful stage of life from the age of twenty-six to thirty-seven known as stupidity. It's when you don't know anything, not even as much as you did when you were younger, and you don't even have philosophy about all the things you don't know, the way you did when you were younger, and you don't even have a philosophy about all the things you didn't know, the way you did when you were twenty or would again when you were thirty-eight -- Nonetheless you tried things out: "love is the cultural exchange program of futility and eroticism." I said.

And Eleanor would say, "Oh how cynical can you get," meaning not nearly cynical enough. I had made it sound dreadful but somehow fair, like a sleepaway camp. "Being in love with Gerard is like sleeping in the middle of the freeway," I tried.

"Thatta girl," said Eleanor. "Much better."
[from Anagrams, by Lorrie Moore]

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Links:
1. Hello, Rachel on the cover of The Advocate! Rachel Maddow is the Smartest Person in TV [@the advocate]
2. Looks like getting drunk and making out is no longer as compelling as feeling feelings!: The Real World: Brooklyn - TOTALLY EMO. Feelings are the new Friday. [@gawker]
3. First Person Plural - we all contain multiple selves with different desires, fighting for control. ta-da! [@the atlantic]
4. Philadelphia - How it Was Done [@n+1]
5. The 20 Greatest Campaign Ads of All Time (@nerve)
6. "Historic moments call for historical front pages and historic headlines. Yet not all of them are as successful as they would like to be." Newspaper Front Pages Proclaim Obama Victory [@the font feed]
7. Speaking of the audacity of hope ... this NPR podcast "Going Big" [@thisamericanlife.org] about Geoffery Canada and the Harlem Children's Zone, was, like the book about it discussed in this article (from @a_ex): "Poverty and the Brain" [@brain and behavior], one of the "most bracing, sobering and inspiring" podcasts I've listened to in a while. Geoffery Canada's Harlem Children's Zone changes the lives of thousands of Harlem children with a revolutionary plan that utilizes new social work and educational concepts to fix poverty culture itself and the cyclical way of life that ensures its continued existence. He take into account "how our brain is changed by the details of our upbringing" -- like, for example -- the number of words per day that middle-class children hear from their parents, etc. It's a good example of how we truly can work to move forward in this country from the ground up.
8. The Polling Place Photo Project (from @abartleby) [@nytimes]
9. FINALLY! An interview with the man himself, Bill Ayers [@newyorker]
10. Really I feel like media should stop declaring the death of other media all the time. Let's talk about puppies or something. Can The Daily Show survive a Barack presidency? [@nymag]
11. Does Religion Make You Nice? Does Atheism Make You Mean? [@slate]
12. Lonely Together. [@the age au]