Showing posts with label automatic anything. Show all posts
Showing posts with label automatic anything. Show all posts

Thursday, June 30, 2011

I Bet You Wish This Was Actually a New Blog Post

It probably seems like I've completely abandoned this blog which is actually not true! People abandon blogs a lot, I realize, and a 6-7 month absence from one's blog (save one night a few months ago when I put up a blog post, went to sleep, woke up and saw that nobody had commented, had a crisis of confidence, and took it down immediately) would suggest that one has abandoned one's blog forever and ever. I haven't. I don't know when exactly I'm going to write something again but I haven't forgotten. Definitely I will write something this year, I promise you that. And I don't make promises I can't keep. It's not like one day I'll delete this blog. So as long as I am alive, the possibility exists that I will begin writing in it every day or every six months or whatever. You never know! The future is a long time, and it's allegedly quite bright.

I wrote a thing on Autostraddle recently that is kinda like things I've written here that you might like. Anyhow I love you all, how are you? I hope you are well. I am well! My work-life (Autostraddle) is insane and hard but also very rewarding spiritually or something. It is just as busy as always but I go to sleep a little after midnight and wake up at 7:30 AM every day, like a real person. Autostraddle is enough insanity for one life so the rest of the parts of my life are much calmer than that otherwise I would explode and die.

I feel like I've lost touch with a lot of people and I realize I don't know how to keep in touch with people I can't touch. I need you here, those I've loved, HERE, in front of me, I need to see you, and when I do we will pick up right where we left off. I think I've lived too many lives. There are all these lists of people I know from different lives.

Anyhow, I just wanted you to know that I love you, autowinners.

Also a few people asked me about the first paragraph of my aforementioned deleted blog -- like the little bit of it that came up on google reader? The tease? 'Cause when you clicked on it, it went nowhere, because I'd already deleted the post?

"I want to read the story of the sweet girl named riese," they said. So I think I can give you that. It's from last summer when I think I was talking to Marni on the internet about how I felt really scared about moving to California and that maybe it was all a huge mistake. Then before I went to bed I asked her to tell me a goodnight story, and so she did, and I copy-pasted it onto my desktop stickies thing, and now here it is:
marni: once upon a time there was a sweet girl named riese who lived in a big big city for many years. and she laughed and cried and did lots of writing and some drugs. but one day riese's heart said 'but riese, i miss the trees. and the water.' and riese said, 'me too, little heart.' and so riese decided it was time to take her heart allllll the way to a new, sunny placed called c-a-l-i-f-o-r-n-i-a. while she was getting ready to leave, riese said to her heart, 'but heart, what if this is a mistake? what about all of the things that are here. what about the things that i love.' and riese's heart said, 'the things that are here will remain, and so will your love. and that love will go with you, and i will keep it safe. and we will keep on loving, because i want to keep growing.' 'okay, little heart,' said riese. 'i'm ready.'‬

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Goin'

I'm writing a really terrible Top Ten! Hi internet! What are you wearing! It looks RAVISHING!

Here's the thing: it's hard to maintain a personal blog for a long time. One reaches a juncture when one must either pop out a fried chicken baby or eight (therefore providing lots of baby stories, nap/diaper opinions etc.), stop blogging, or stop writing about themselves and start writing about sports, or shoes or something.

I feel a lot of anxiety that I haven't updated in many days, maybe 'cause I'm all about the follow through? But at the same time, I'm so just really truly happy about this new project and I've been waking up feeling more energized about my work and excited for the day's unraveling than I've been in as long as I can remember, perhaps since some really engaging classes I've taken in college and high school.

This comes at a time when I recently had a final straw of sorts with a girl I considered -- and said as much, to her -- my sister. She was a big cheerleader for me. Even if it wasn't true, it helped me and it felt real and empowering. I mean don't forget: when a madwoman shouted nonsencial insults to me, it too felt real and still feels real. I haven't forgotten a word of it. Whether any of those conversations were real -- the good ones I had with (uh huh) her, or the bad ones I had with another Her -- their emotional impact was cavernous as sky. Of course I'm lucky to have plenty of amazing friends in my life who've always been there and I know always will be -- Haviland, Natalie, everyone on Team Autostraddle and more ... but that doesn't seem to lessen my sense of what's missing.

I've sort of hinted at this in my last few posts, and it feels tacky to say it all outright, or even to go into any more detail than that, but it's left this strange hole inside me. But I think I have most of my feelings in this weird gray matter that doesn't have its own noun yet because that space is like the "opposite of "noun," it's "adjectives waiting for a noun and they will never find it but that's FINE." So it's just always a bit harder to navigate in the fog.

I don't know why I feel I need to apologize for taking five days off when only two or three people have expressed anything remotely similar to demanding an apology. Because I don't know how the new facebook works I'm not sure if Lozo has registered a complaint quite yet. So I ramble. Typetypetype.

When I said two weeks ago that I'd be back to a regular schedule here within a week, I was totally wrong -- if anything, every day has contained more and more things to do -- good things! - but things.

So what I'm saying is that I've been doing this long enough that I hope -- despite my complete weirdo-hood -- that you know I'm not going anywhere.

If anything I hope that going forward my posts here will be better than before. They will be more necessary.

Writing on the internet is fucking scary because I have about a bajillion words in the archive of this blog that probs haven't been combed over in months. I write something new and the old fades away, and that can be disheartening, and the temporary nature of it makes it easy to get away with sucking sometimes.

And I'm in that same spot I was in this time last year where I felt like I'd already said all the stuff about myself I was willing to say and every Top Ten I started to write required 40 searches of the archives to be sure I hadn't already said it. That's followed by an hour of self-doubt -- "Who am I kidding? Who would even remember what I said in June 2007?"

[That being said, when I don't update for a week, check out the ARCHIVES!]

I don't want to say something just to say something, I want to say something because I have something to say.

So if you've been here for a while you know that I never run out of things to say, and I haven't. I just need a bit more time to figure out how to say them, or for it to come to me in the night.

And I do hope to be back up to reasonable speed (aside from autofun, I haven't really been doing more than one or two full blog posts a week for a long long time now) once Autostraddle is established enough that I can stop freaking out about the financial risk I'm taking (and I wouldn't even be where I am with it were it not for the generosity of readers like you) and when things are running more like those well-oiled machines I hear of so often. I comfort myself, as I so often do, thinking of how Emily Gould doesn't post as much as she did before she became Emily Gould, but when she does, I think it's worth it.

Friday, March 13, 2009

and if you call, i will answer

ETA: New H&R Advice Column Vlog on Autostraddle!

Q: What are you doing? Why haven't you updated since Friday?

A: I've been working on Autostraddle ("girl-on-girl culture for weirdos") all day/weeks. It's a new website, probs eventually will be the best website of all time. I'm doing it with my team in preparation for the revolution/the factory/the dream. Right now it looks like an L Word shrine 'cause that show just ended and that's all the old autostraddle content. Pretty soon it'll look like an Awesome Shrine, and we'll do a dance around it, like they did in early 90's movies with lesbian & witchery undertones.

Driver: Watch out for the weirdos, girls.
Nancy: We are the weirdos, mister.
Anyhow I have lots more to say about that to y'all and recruitment to do, but I have to get it all on lockdown first. meemememememememe!

Q: When will you go back to being the most reliable blogger ever besides Lozo who doesn't even read his comments and often quits?
I'll be better at updating autowin starting next week, sorry I've neglected you just like your first wife and maybe even your mom. If your Mom neglected you, you should write a book. Some things will change like this blog will be more emo whereas vlogs will go on new Autostraddle but I'll tell you about it so you can read that too.

Q: What about Stuff I've Been Reading?

Soon! I'm gonna scare away all my readers except brooklyn boy. JK srsly hello I was not awarded best lesbian personal blogger for nothing. I mean I'm not even a lesbian.

Q: Do you ever think about things you're pretty positive you'll NEVER do?

A: Omg, all the time. Like I can't really ever imagine being seriously overweight, or becoming a Baptist, I guess. Do you ever think about that?

Q: Yeah. What are you really thinking about?
A: I've been trying to think differently.

Q: Is it weird?

A: Yeah it is weird, everything's weird. Sometimes it's weird how even though I am writing for everyone/no-one, I find I'm often really only writing to one or two people and just hoping it's interesting or compelling enough for other people to feel it could also be about them or interesting to them or I don't know, I guess everyone just wants to be something to someone. Then people disappear and I don't know who I'm writing letters to anymore.

I think what happened is the balance tipped into a spot where I missed all these "yous" so much, so intensely, so all-over-my-body like, that when just one more person I would have to miss like that was shot into that spot it just overflowed, and the power of that has made me too sad to be anything but totally alert and happy all the time. It's something, I mean, it works.

Q: Remember when you used to shut down your blog sometimes?
A: Ha, yeah, maybe like ten people know what I'm talking about. It would usually be for like 12-24 hours or something. My relationship to my MacBook Pro isn't as intimate as my relationship to my MacBook. MacBooks look like cute pets so I think you feel closer to them. This machine is a MACHINE. It kicks ass, like witchery.

This has happened before -- these little lapses. When Pekor and I had a three-day silent fight, when I lost B. When I lost "Olive." And again. When I lost track of time. When I lost my footing and changed my location, ultimately, from "Warlem" to "couch-hopping" and then back again. When I've been on the Rosie cruise, when I was in Malibu and right before I went to Malibu, maybe even when I was in Texas, I can't remember. When I was working 60 hours a week for a few days I lapsed.

Anyhow I just wanted to say this isn't like, the part where I slowly taper out and just vanish, that's something I've never wanted to do, and never will. So yeah, I'm just working on this website and super focused and we will be back to regularly scheduled programming more or less I hope next week. Okay? Okay! Yay! Hi! What's your favorite song right now?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Friday AutoFun Day - 2.20.09

Guess what I won a contest! That's right, memememememe! Why did I win? Because my blog is better than all the other blogs in the world, except for Margaret & Helen. No, because of YOU! That's right, youyouyouyou! Thank you for voting once, twice, three times a lady. Thanks to my guest-poster Grace the Spot, who managed to win at least one legislative branch of the lesbian empire with Humor, and to the other two personal blog people Peaches & Coconuts and A Brown Girl Gone Gay, and congratulations to all the winners: Lesbian Dad, Sugarbutch, Dorothy Surrenders, Pam's House Blend, and Just Eat Your Cupcake. I am very excitant to have won a contest, next stop The Nobel Peace Prize, which has always been a dream of mine. Krista asked, "What do you get? A golden vagina?" and imagining that trophy was glorious. All in all, I was the blogger with the second-highest per-category votes of anyone so that was pretty cool. Basically to make a long story short, the only way I can win any contest in the future is if we off Dorothy. I don't even know what showmance means. Ilene Chaiken, don't steal that idea.

Quote: "So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old brokendown river pier watching the long, ong skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, all that road going, all the people dreaming in the immensity of it, and in Iowa I know by now the evening-star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks in the west and folds the last and final shore in, and nobody, just nobody knows what's going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old, I think of Neal Cassady, I even think of Old Neal Cassady the father we never found, I think of Neal Cassady, I think of Neal Cassady." (Jack Kerouac, On the Road)
- Just like we said when we made our Autowin 'zine : The Zine Lives - the 90s aren't as dead as you think .
- I Look So Alone, I Get Obvious
- He fairs much better than Sarah Pain - Diagramming the Obama Sentence .
- Joaquin Phoenix is not alone - Seven Great Talk Show Trainwrecks @The Daily Beast.
- Twentysomethings love Barack and Michelle -- "the millenials' dream couple."
- Jessie Spano - Friend or Foe ?
- From The New Scientist -- students do better when they listened to a podcast of the lecture rather than attending.
- I don't know why I want to see this, I just know that I do . Maybe I can babysit my way to Sesame Street.
- Commentary for the DVD of ""He's Just Not That Into You" from the writer of "The Wire" David Simon, at McSweeney's
- Read this and tell me if you thought it was bizarre that the author never once questioned the capatlist value system being played out by the protagonist.
- "A Note " for Facebook on CollegeHumor: "1. I Hate Facebook Notes."
insomnia poem #24

do you remember that part
in "the breakfast club"
lens-shooting circles
The Brain says "It's like you're outside
looking in on yourself,"
He says that or something like that.

He has a lisp or something.
Somewhere between tongue and teeth
a word got lost, a heart got tossed
and now who's the boss

I was outside looking in on myself
shooting circle-shaped stars
my hand in hers,
the way we move forward
the way we never change.

The gun and the bird
what will it be like now
without the word

Thursday, November 20, 2008

i call automatic fun! when? today! okay! 11.20.2008.

[UPDATE! The Weblog Awards are actual awards that actually matter, I swear, and today Friday the 21st is the last day they're accepting nominations for Best LGBT blog. So gimme a nod, if you've got a minute. Thanks!!]

Remember when I said I'd be posting a lot this week? That was a neat idea! Unfortunately my actual (paid) workload for this week is growing like the hungry caterpillar and I haven't been able to deliver y'all my deliverables. Luckily I make my own rules so I can change them and if you don't like it then I hate you, I'm sorry, I just hate you!

Anyhow, when one cannot follow through fully one does follow through partially. For example, I've got the scoop on The L Word spinoff The Farm on Ausostraddle, the SON recap will be a double-header next week for eps 13 & 14 'cause I don't got no time this week to do 13 and I think it's mostly about Glen anyhow and Glen is not hot, not gay, and not Spashley, therefore he is not punk, not vegan, not hot, and not fun, and not cool, and not this week sorz. Also, Haviland and I made a vlog, I'll edit it some time. If you want me to work faster, give me your money, some Lean Pockets, a back massage, a pony or a lemon tree. (UPDATE: Lemon tree is taken care of, thank you autumn.) I have some screencaps to whet your appetite.

I'm listening to all your emo music, you weirdos. It's okay, luckily I'm a weirdo too, so it's just what the blogger ordered. No really it's totally fucking awesome. It's like mind control in a good way. I'm the one being controlled. You're the controllers. I like to switch roles sometimes. JK, usually I'm the M of S&M. I just made that up. I just flew in, boy are my arms tired!

Sometimes the search terms that bring people here depress me. Aside from the usual -- my name, the l word stuff, the blog names, etc -- we've got the search terms like the following ...

very depressing search terms from the autowin/autostraddle search referrals list

top 10 reasons not to drink alone
vaagina [i'm curious when i made that error, but not curious enough to click it]
i depend on you and it's making me weak
will he ever want to date me
what happened to chelsea and clays baby on south of nowhere?
what does "we hold these truths to be self evident" mean
this girl plugs everything into her vagina
taco bell floor plan
straddle bitches
real chance of love girls
rider strong interview BOP (I feel like stef is the only one who will know who rider strong is and what BOP is and therefore find this funny in a really sad way)
piano and nsa hookups
is staying up all night better than four hours sleep
if i want to write a girl something fun what would i say
i wear my old overalls to junior high school every day
how to wear a flannel shirt and look like a girl
haviland stillwell lesbian
best ideas for how to know and fuck a girl

Also anyone who wants to know about that last one, you should email sugarbutch.

automatic fun! it's automatic, like winning, and air conditioning! I wish I'd had the foresight to name it Auto-Magic, but I didn't always know that I'd grow up and get special powers like a wizard.

quote: "I know I'm running away but my heart has become a sterile zone where nothing can grow. I don't want to face facts, shape up, snap out of it. In the pumped-out, dry bed of my heart, I'm learning to live without oxygen. I might get to like it in amaschochistic way. I've sunk too low to make decisions and that brings with it a certain lightheaded freedom. Walking on the moon there's no gravity. There are dead souls in uniform ranks, spacesuits too bulky for touch, helmets too heavy for speech. The miserable millions moving in time without hope. There are no clocks in Misery, just endless ticking." (JeanetteWinterson, Written on the Body)

1. I love it when this happens, it's like two of my most glorious worlds colliding, bookslut meets gender theory :Let's Talk About Sex (@the smart set)
2. Read this article about Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin and feminism please, thank you: How the Year of the Woman Actually Sent Women Back: The Bitch and The Ditz (@nymag)
3. Omg, Thomas Kinkaide. (@vanity fair)
4. Love in the time of Darwinsim. (@city)
5. Bullies Like Bullying: How did a nonstory on an iffy study end up in The New York Times? (maybe 'cause you keep firing journalists?) (
6. I love Sarah Vowell, I love things that are funny, I love "Stuff I've Been Reading," Nick Hornby's column in The Believer which I sometimes attempt to recreate here, therefore I love, la-la-la-love, Introduction to Nick Hornby's Shakespeare Wrote for Money by Sarah Vowell. There's even an Emily Dickinson namedrop! Come on PEOPLE come on. (@mcsweeny's)
7. Good job dudes, Equality California reports that California will hear the case against Prop 8 ! (@eqca)
8.The Girl I Brought Home Didn't Wake Up in the Morning (
9. Nate Silver is my homegirl: An interview with John Zieglar on the Zogby "Push Poll" (
10. Tragedy Tomorrow, Economic Woes Tonight: Broadway Braces for a Squeeze (@nytimes)

leisha hailey dance

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Ultimately, I Burned the Popcorn.

Best excerpt so far from the book containing all my Diaryland entries from 2000 (I was looking for a detail I needed for my occasionally truth-based novel):

"My brother said that I don't like automatic anything. Like I don't like the auto air conditioning setting on the Bravada that allegedly adjusts the SUV temperature to what is considered ideal. I don't use cruise control either 'cause it scares me. I try to pretend that the little knob that turns the car from neutral to drive is my stick shift, even though I don't have the patience to learn stick. I used the automatic popcorn function on the microwave last night and it made me very nervous. Microsoft Office is automatically correcting my spelling, grammar and other typos, and it's really, really annoying. Not comforting at all, like some other recent technological advances.

It's raining super hard. I drove halfway home with no windsheild wipers, which I thought would be cool, but it was really just stupid.

I am ruled by fear and apprehension."

(August 27th, 2000)