Sunday, November 04, 2007

Sugar Spell it Out Like, like O, like O in your Vlog

This is the second part of the video. I think there's good parts in this. A few short days & hours ago, I declared this video my 'ars poetica' if you will, declared vlogging my format of choice, my true calling, the medium through which I'll really be able to unleash my persistently crass but nevertheless beautiful ambition/passion. I felt vlogs would hurl me significantly faster towards my endless pursuit of literary excellence against all odds. Who can blame me for such lofty assumptions? Reader; I LOL'ed. At myself. I'm usually not the one to find myself quite so funny, but I did. In retrospect, which, like hindsight, is 20-20, I realise that this video is not my opus. It is not poetry. Perhaps it is actually boring to anyone not endlessly amused by the apostrophe/sign situation. People like that are the only people here. Maybe it won't make you fall in love with me. BUT! For a moment? It was like Snow White, when all the flowers and animals and other wildlife flocked all around her, and there were so many colors it was like the day color got invented, just to see it. Everything was new, like language. So we said nothings, they turned into mangoes, we bit, they filled us up, we made a video. There's no telling where this could take us. Pakistan, South Africa, Far Rockaway, West Hollywood, or Tasti-D. There were flying lesbians but then they flew away, just like Lassie.

This vlog is for everyone, but it's also a love poem to alex vega. If she can hear the many colors of the wind. Also, this vlog is for the daughter of Mr. Redacted, who I've decided to give a codename, Olive. If anyone knows what that references, then you win the Genius Award of the year. The award is a Tegan & Sara ticket. No for real. Bid away. You can stand next to Haviland Stillwell, she doesn't know any of the words. It's a contest. Whoever offers the most money wins. JK. Send naked pictures to Lozo and he'll decide. JK. I love all peoples. I should be asleep. Seriously I just tried to make this blog sound less insane, but instead I think I've just made matters worse. The way that "This is Everything" builds up in the start makes me wish I knew how to write about music.


Allie said...

Of course it's brill. If I weren't living in Ohio, and weren't dating someone, and if I lived at home with my parents where I could never have you stay over, of course I'd fall in love you. Only a complete twatwaffle wouldn't fall in love with you. Or with Haviland's gold pants. Whichever.

Haviland said...

Wow, who knew the pants would be such a hit?

Srsly, WHY did you omit the spanking segment?

Happy Halloween!

Ms. Jackson said...

Brill?- Yes, yes it is.

Make me fall in love with you?- You had me at post-college ennui.

And fo' sure, the gold pants are hot. Hav, you wear them well.

Rhee said...

Haviland you can pour some sugaaaa on me anytime you'd like!

you guys are so damn funny, waffle extreme but entertaining none the less!

lovin' these Vlogs!

stef said...

god you're not gonna leave it to ME to make the joke about balls smacking against your face are you? it's really not my style.

adorable, ladies. a for effort. good hustle. [other encouraging things gym teachers probably say here]

anonymous rieseophant said...

obvs, this one is fun, too. but i'm getting impatient, as are others, i believe. where, oh where, are the flying lesbians?

and your roommate seems like a sweetheart, but it is a tad disconcerting to go from sexy cowboy boots and gold pants to seeing a younger mr. rogers.

and i totes mean that in a good way. i *heart* mr. rogers. it's just, like, mixing too many worlds together and it makes my brain hurt.

oh! and yes, i would be totes honored to do the next comment judging. that would be brill.

alex vega said...

What a moving poem this was. I'm so inspired... in so many (inappropriate) ways.

Whatever Riese was saying about the doughnuts is one of the fav things ever. really.

Also, I wish that picture of me never lived to see the internets.

and finally, I have many (inappropriate) answers to your proposed question...

(ooOOoo totes mysterious with the ellipses! What comes next?!!)

Lozo said...

i'm tired of having my name used with zero context.

and tell ryan he was great in shawshank.

and you omit spanking? wtf?

and all three of you are so fucking hot.

basia said...

although i am becoming slightly desperate and melancholic and losing faith a little, i think this vlog HAS brought us a little bit closer to the flying lesbians. riese's story of flying across a counter in order to gouge out someone's eyes is kind of like seeing flying lesbians. except that it's one person flying instead of many. and it's more like a flying bisexual. and it's not presented visually but verbally. so... basically we have been given a verbal account of a flying bisexual. which is almost flying lesbians. ALMOST.

i think we've been teased with a promise of an ideal that fails to deliver on itself, we've been titillated, convinced that it is mere postponement, that it will come, that we will see ACTION. instead, we are left with hints and words and words... kind of like, oh, a certain teevee shooooow about lesbians (who don't fly... usually).
k, i'm being a weirdo. i'm gonna go away now. good day all.

Anonymous said...

is it olive because she's a superfreak?

dewey said...

I feel the lack of flying lesbians is made up for with your cowboy boots and Havilands gold pants, (using the word pants feels a bit wrong, like being a brit I would call them trousers, pants is something totally different) obviously both hot.

I just bought some Tegan and Sara tickets for when they come to London!! March is sooo long away, I don't know how I’m going to contain my excitement for that long.

basia said...

given the events of the past few days, i would like to go back on my earlier comments re: the flying lesbians. i mean, shit. talk about being spoiled, about already having the sun and the moon and not being satisfied because you want the rest of the sky, and while you're at it, maybe also an ice cream sandwich and a pony because you're just THAT needy and ungrateful [that's me]. seriously, the blogs/vlogs are amazing and perfect and leave nothing to be desired. you are an inspiration, and if i could, i would like to remove the giant rod out from the depths of mr. redacted's anus and replace it with a much larger slash sharper slash toxin-leeching slash colitis-inducing slash carcinogenic object.



ps. you say you're not g-d but yet you've died and been born again so many times.

riese said...

wow! I never responded to any of these, I guess 'cause I was busy crying. Seriously I almost broke my computer from crying so much.

allie: I'm not opposed to homewrecking or moving to ohio.

haviland: I didn't want to overshadow the gold pants with the spanking.

ms.jackson: You should've heard Ryan try to say the word "ennui" in my midwestern accent. True love.

rhee: haviland prefers Splenda, but she comes in a ready-pour bottle and it's gold. you're in for quite a time.

Amber: Ms. Stoeger, my plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Dionne: Well, there goes your social life.

riesophant: W/r/t flying lesbians = I wish I knew. Where did they fly to? Also, you should see Ryan in his underwear like I do every day. Nothing Mr. Rogers about it.

a;ex: (ideally, something sexual)

lozo: I think you like it.

basia: It's because they put sugar in my coffee, obvs. You mess with the bull and you get the horns. That's a good point about The L Word. However, I can assure you that if we were fictional characters and not real people, we'd be making out all the time. You hear that, Mr. Redacted?

anonymous: Your mom is a superfreak. Also, there's a hint in the labels.

dewey: I would almost say that they are more knickers than trousers.

basia: The best part about being born again is every time I get a little bit closer to Jesus. I would settle for a swift blow to Mr. Redacted's head, or some reconciliation of the fact that because he's rich, he will never suffer and people will continue to obey him even if he is insane, which is exactly why he if he ever gets born again, it will be as an illegal immigrant who washes dishes for 20 hours a day for less than minimum wage to try and feed 100 kids or works in a meatpacking factory in Guadalajara. Ideally.

dorothy said...

I'm glad glad that it is all back. Brave girl.

LMC said...

Yay! You're back! And I'm totes hoping that Olive is a reference to the AWESOME children's book, Olive the Other Reindeer, because who doesn't love a book about a dog who thinks she's a reindeer? Even tho you're Jewish and don't like animals, I contend it is one of the Best Books Ever about personal identity crisis. :)

Or Olive Oyl. I like Olive Oyl, she was hot. As is Olive from Pushing Daisies, who was originally supposed to be a lesbian but is still Kristen Chenowith, whom I adore.

I think you've inspired me to write a story about flying lesbians.

Anonymous said...

ahh. so Olive Higgins Prouty, then?

Crystal said...

Olive Higgins Prouty, that's really sweet. Too bad this is too late. Hope you keep doing these vlogs. It's too early to type, this's all I've got.

riese said...

dorothy: Britney wrote a great song on the topic of Brave Girls ... mmm ...

LMC: People call me Olive Oyl a lot. It's one of my most popular nicknames. Actually ... probs my most popular nickname.

That story is gonna ROCK.

Anonymous: Auto-win!

Crystal: Auto-win! Did you google that? Or just knowww?

cait said...

heyyy, long time no comment, sorry, been having internet issues, ya know, technology sucks..

i was just thinking that feels like forever ago it you filmed the vlog, doesn't it? maybe just to me..

loveee the vlog, obvs, also i thought the codename was olive cause Mr Redacted was popeye and that would have been exciting, but then also strange cause that would mean he married his daughter... Hmmm.

Don't stick your head in the oven..srsly

Crystal said...

Can you believe that I actually knew?! Surprised me too, but I did my English finals on The Bell Jar. Admittedly, I still had to google because I forgot her surname. I don't like T&S, but the chance to stand next to [the] Haviland Stillwell was too good to pass. Better luck next time, eh.