Thursday, November 08, 2007

When You Get So Into your VLOG


I am 95% sure that today is my Mom's birthday. It is, right? Mom? Actually, 'cause you have dialup, by the time your computer finishes loading this page it might not be your birthday anymore. Anyhoo, watching this vlog might make you question your success as a parent -- I've been editing clips of myself for the last hour and I've subsequently discovered that I'm really irritating. Also: I say "you guys" and "like" way too often, the lighting in the Halloween blog was the most flattering for both of us, rock bottom is super-fly, gold pants save the day every time, and I nearly have a full body seizure every time I laugh. Also, I obvs need to lay off the smack, because crack is whack.

Looking back on my life so far I'd like to say that my mother has always been there. From day one, she's been around or relatively available via telephone. For that reason and many others, including love, warmth and caring, I'd like to say, Shalom! That means "hello," "peace," and "goodbye" in Hebrew, which is way more than any one English word means, which is why the Jews are the chosen people. My Mom is Jewish, coincidentally. If you're not Jewish, that's cool, we can still be friends, even more than friends if you're cute and I love you. That's not related to my Mom, this is a tangent now.

You guys, I love editing Vlogs. It's like, a bad habit. Almost like a drug, except I don't have to find a dealer that'll deliver to West Harlem, like I do when I want a pizza or a pretty girl or a bottle of Hypnotiq.

I wrote deep things the other day, now I am a monkey with feta cheese for brains. I wanted to clear out my hard drive from all the un-used random footage that's accumulated from unfulfilled "to be continued ..."s, so, this VLOG has got clips running the gamut from A to Z and beyond, all NEVER BEFORE SEEN ON TEEVEE OR THE WEB. We reference a lot of stuff from other Vlogs so you should probs watch them all again, just to be sure you're up on it. I find that re-watching my Vlogs is very soothing, like warm milk or a similarly temperated bath on a summer's day, in the poppies.



24 comments:

Razia said...

It's so hard to get first comments in nowadays. "Whomevs" is a really good one and your vlogs make me want to get trashed, except I always want to get trashed so maybe your vlogs just push that into wanting to get shitface drunk. I don't know what the kids do these days but I'm pretty sure crack is usually smoked in a glass pipe.

Razia said...

Oh and happy b-day to Mama-win

stef said...

you guys, you guys, you GUYSSSS, this gave me a seizure. you know how they say no shot on any mtv show lasts more than like 3 seconds and that's why our generation has no attention span? this is like, living proof. also, you guys look adorable. precious and wholesome. one would never suspect you're both selling your bodies for crack.

Ms. Jackson said...

After watching each of these vlogs, I am left wondering the same thing.
What products does Haviland use for her hair??

Lozo said...

ass sex. i knew it. you know what vibe i get from all these from haviland?

"you know, if i want to be a big star one day, this vlog thing could hurt me, so i probably shouldn't say anything about ass sex."

and also...

"lozo's blog rocks, but i'm never going to admit i read it every single day."

dewey said...

OMG! It feels like ages since i last commented, i think it was actually only a few days ago but my laptop has had a virus so internet access has been limited for a few days. Therefore this is a comment to all the ones i missed...

Lozos blog- I didnt read Lozos blog.....jk...i did it was great!

Last Vlog- Sooo how many shots was it?? That game is one of my favorite ways to tell people things that i couldnt just say to them....

This Vlog- All i can say is your vlogs continue to make me lol

riese said...

Razia: Obvs, I need to invest in a glass pipe like ASAP. What's a glass pipe? Everything i know about crack I learned from the movie "Traffic," but I'm not sure if they were actually doing crack in that movie. Hm.

stef: Actually, Haviland is selling hers for Diet Doctor Pepper, it's like a totes bargain.

Mrs. Jackson: I'm pretty sure I can blame the crack for the fact that I don't know the answer to that question.

Lozo: The "vibe" I'm getting feels more like a cold clean bottle of vodka.

dewey: OK, this is your coming out plan! Get your friends around for I've Never and be like "Um, I've never been heterosexual." Also, this is a good way to figure out which of your friends want to go to the bathroom and make out.

I think it was five shots. Obvs I was too sidenote I'm drunked to keep track.

And that IS ages. I mean, my whole idea of how the world works has changed since then!

Lozo said...

this whole vodka thing is giving new meaning to "getting someone off the bottle." but yeah, it vibrates AND gets you drunk? i can't compete with that.

riese said...

Lozo, it's not that hard to get me drunk.

MoonKiller said...

Firtsly, bonne anniversaire to your mam.

This visitor person in school told me off for saying like all the time cause it makes me sound 'stupid' so I was like 'Yeh, like fuck off like cause you've got like a speech impediment like' I didn't actually say that but he did really have a speech issues.

We're doing Les Miserobvs in music. but we're doing Wicked next. I'm well excited. Anyway...

You guy you guys you guys totes crack me up. See what I did there.

stef said...

sorry, i only deal in crack.

also - today i was able to make peace with dykes lumber (as opposed to dyke's or dykes') by convincing myself that it's actually an unnamed company offering both of these things in equal amounts.

my word veri is pznweery, like poison weary, which is a fancy way to say drunk.

Crystal said...

Whomevs is great, Les Miserobvs made me lol.
I find crack coke's great in baked goods. Granted the chemicals don't react and so you don't get high, but it's way cheaper than baking soda and produces a better leavening effect. I think Martha Stewart taught me that, you know, in prison.

Anonymous said...

this is random and off topic, but what the hell happened to rachel's blog?

Atherton Bartelby said...

Ok if I ever move back to New York because I am currently an unemployed yet overaged hipster, will you and Haviland be my two BFFs? Because I would totally dig that.

(Also, "whomevs" has already been uttered by me TWICE today, and once in the context of a "Gone With The Wind" conversation, of all things. WTF?!)

dewey said...

Since you mention my coming out plan....I actually have one!! However, the one person I’ve told the plan too so far said it wasn’t a good way to do it, but I disagree...

My birthday is in like a months time and I'm planning on going out for a big meal with a load of my friends. I see this as a great opportunity for a number of reasons...

1) Most the people I want to tell will be there so it means I wont have to be brave more than once...

2) I'll probs be drunk anyway so wont care what people think

and...

3) (3 being the most important) IT’S MY BIRTHDAY....therefore people cant/wont say anything that’s going to ruin my day...or at least Id hope not

My only problem...it's a great plan...but only a plan...and knowing myself the way I do, I will probably chicken out

haviland said...

Can I please ask what the context of the GONE WITH THE WIND was? Inquiring minds...

The answer to the hair product questions, and anything else y'all want to know, will be addressed in our next vlog.

Happy Bday Dewey...and Auto-Mama? OMG I hope
Maureen is reading that and loves it...

...on her dial up...

riese said...

moonkiller: I see what you did there. That's what you do.

stef: you know what occurred to me? maybe they also sell dykes.

crystal: that's not all martha stewart taught you in prison.

anonymous: I don't know! I am also totes confused/broken up over that. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. Merc, merc, merc, where are you.

atherton: that's amazing about the whomevs, especailly w/r/t scarlett o'hara. we're gonna be BFFs because my high-heels walking lessons are going to be an amazing, amazing vlog.

dewey: the key to not chickening out is to drink a lot. also, now that you've told us, we'll be expecting a recap, which's like cyber-peer-pressure, which is nearly as exciting as the real thing. I think "3" is the most important part of this plan, and therefore imperative.

haviland: take off your clothes.

Lozo said...

yeah, haviland. take off your clothes.

Ellen said...

I think there has to be a Never Have I Ever rematch, or at least a sequel. Havs, you seem lovely, but you got to make all the statements so Riese took all the shots. You must have done something Riese hasn't, even if you have to go into non-dirty things.

El N said...

Holy fuck. Win + Haviland + video = my new drug. Where have I been, why is this the first time I've watched a vlog?? HI-larious!

Atherton Bartelby said...

Haviland: I forget the first time I used it (I was drunk, clearly). But the second usage (even more drunk, duh) was right after R.B. said "I don't give a damn" and I was like, "I'm sorry, whatever. Whomevs leaves a woman like that, no matter how manipulative and neurotic she is, is bat-shit crazy."

What can I say? I was highly identifying with Scarlett last night. How does that reflect on my character? *scratches blond head* Heh.

Riese: Seriously, those lessons WILL happen. According to my Dopplr profile (haven't actually purchased the tickets yet), I will be celebrating my July birthday on the Upper East Side, so be sure you're in the city! AND...OMG VVLOG! We will be totes awesome! *smile*

Haviland Stillwell said...

bartleby -- have you read my bio on havilandstillwell.com ? bc if you haven't, this is an even more amazing coincidence.

Atherton Bartelby said...

Haviland: Um. Actually, I had not read that bio. But now that I have I realize that my identification with Scarlett, my urge to dye my hair Brazilian Bronze again, as well as my naturally green eyes, mean that we are already totes BFFs.

Lozo said...

you're such a post deleter.