Friday, November 09, 2007

The Difference Between Frozen Hands and Feet

Hi you guys! My computer keeps rejecting Britney's new album, wtf. Oh, firstly, let's talk to the elephant/unicorn in the room -- Haaayyy: I've switched from crack to smack. Did you know that "smack" is another word for heroin? I didn't. In fact, I listed them as two separate habits in a prior blog, which's enlightening w/r/t (w/r/t="with respect to," write that down) my total ignorance of all things injectable and/or requiring accessories, though I did learn a lot from Traffic, Queer as Folk, Gia, Trainspotting and True Life: I'm on Crystal Meth. Also, just for the record, in addition to not enjoying ass-sex or beer, I also don't like Diet Coke or video games, so there. We'll see who dies first.

November's my cruelest month. I love the weather usually -- chilly enough for layers but not too cold for long walks [well, but today, though, today was cold, and I was up with the lark for a job interview wearing my insufficient grownup jacket, the one my Mom got me when I graduated college for my then-anticipated grownup life 'round the corner] -- but the days numb over sometimes w/harsh memory. Last November was possibly the best I've ever had, howevs, see archives. There's only one day in November: it starts in the middle and then barrels out at you -- shooting from one side backwards into memory, from the other forward like the future because it is. Someone made a movie called 11:14, that felt a little cruel to me.

ia. Rachel Verification
Speaking of archives -- Rachel/Merc/Noxious where are you? You guys [you guyssss], before there were most of you, there was Noxious. She's like, seventeen, and already brill beyond her years. This girl can write -- evocative of John Marsden -- she lives in Alaska and's been reading since almost the second month I did this. She's a hairstylist, like Haviland and/or Shane for Wax. For some reason her blog would never show up on my Google Reader, like some error in its RSS feed, which majorly cramps my style, but today I go to check it out and it is gone, where'd it go?

ii. Where's The Turkey, Chuck?
I'm apathetic towards Thanksgiving. I don't like turkey. I love eating, obvs, but I overanalyze everything too much to fully embrace any holiday that on its surface is simply a day for a large meal. I mean, don't families often have large meals when they hang out? Why aren't those meals also Thanksgiving? Is Turkey only cookable on one day of the year? Unfortunately, no, it is always cookable. I'm part Native American, P.S.

My Dad used to take us to Ohio: biscuits buttered in Crisco, football on the teevee, me getting antsy. Now; friends are family. Last year Lewis, my brother, was visiting, he made macaroni and cheese in New Orleans and brought it to NYC. [Al Queda, write that down.] I cooked, had people over, the next day Lewis & I got cultured at the MOMA with the other hipsters.

Are there any holidays I like? I'm like, Scrooge in the body of a 26-year old blonde-highlighted bisexual. Oh! I like: Passover, Christmas, Martin Luther King Jr. and President's Day. Hm. Labor Day's not so bad. Every day is Labor Day for me.

iii. The Time You've Got Me Running
Did you know it's national blog every day month or something? I've somehow adopted this spirit -- gratitude? Procrastination? I'm procrastinating: my life, my book. It'd seem the best topic for NaBloPoMo bloggers is how there's not enough to write about. Also, I think I'm going to change "Warlem almost-hipster" to "NaBloPoMoem hipster." I like the word "pomoem" which I just invented. I'm going in the opposite direction with my linguistics, y'all, I'm gonna make super long words, like longer than a boa constrictor. Typetypetype. Bla bla bla.

And then: nothing happened. We all went to sleep, and we woke up and asked each other "what did you dream about?" but no one remembered. We had to make up new dreams so as to not seem forgetful. They were like the ones we'd forgotten, only moreso.

My fave temperature is when it's cold out and your heater's cranked up and your window's wide open. The other night, I was walking around Columbia, 'cause that's what I do now, and the sky broke out into literal violet hours. I'm reading "Come to Me" by Amy Bloom. If you can eradicate your memory of Jenny Schecter endorsing Amy Bloom in the meeting-Marina convo, the book's really something. I get most of my books from the St. Francis thrift shop on 96th between Broadway & Amsterdam, 'cause it's next to my CVS and they're retarded [it's a pre-req for NYC pharmacists, retardation] so there's alway a wait period. I'll go nap in the tanning bed, or get books, but last week I had to go to two CVSes. What am I, Forrest Gump running across the country or something, obvs no.

All Novembers are shaded in the guilt that I oughta enjoy this month more because it's big for birthdays, like my Mom's ... this weekend is Lozo and Stef's. Obvs we will be celebrating with a menage, per Lozo's request. I just went on g-chat and got so confused about Saturday night that I got a fever like John Travolta in that movie with the hairdryer.

So, One: Stef's birthday is Saturday night. Who'll be there? Lozo says he's not going, but if he doesn't go, I'm going to take back custody of the children, soooo ... I'll be there. Me, Haviland, A;ex, Cait I think, and Stef's weirdo friends. Maybe Natalie.

Two: Tegan & Sara is super-soon. Who will be there? Me, obvs. Carly, Vicky, Cait, Haviland, Stef ... you? Will you be there? I might die at the concert from excitement. I might just die!

That's what my hair looks like right now.

"You sound a lot better than I expected you to," my Mom said on the phone today/yesterday.

Yeah? Do I? I've got some strategies: 1. Y'all, 2. Hey, you, 3. Olive's continuing devotion to sainthood, 4. my complete single-moment-oriented focus. I'm seriously not thinking any farther ahead than the rest of November 9th. I'm trying to relocate my long-term goals. Where did they go? What were they? Am I making progress? What should I do with my life? Advice?

vi. Walking With a Ghost
I'm not into deathiversaries really. Anniversaries are cool; you're like "omg, I just made it through another year without throwing any objects at my girlfriend!" but like, death-anniversaries -- wtf? He's just as dead on the 14th as he is on the 13th and the 15th.

But ... I know on the 14th I'll have to talk to my Dad's family, who I've been deftly avoiding as there's very little shareable life material currently. All my biggest stories, good and bad, are linked to The Gays and their Fat Agenda or my Smack Addiction. What if I was addicted to Honey Smacks? That's a cereal right? It's possible I'm underestimating them. They could be reading this and wondering why I'm still feigning secrecy, but I really doubt it. If Reeseville -- seriously, totes not making that up, that's really where my grandparents live -- ever shows up on my sitemeter, I'll take notice. Also, it has a population of 63. If my Dad was alive, I would've probs been wearing combat boots and shouting feminist propaganda during large meals, toting a girlfriend, etc for some time now. But that stuff's not fun anymore, not when you're not just a niece/granddaughter/cousin but a Living Legacy, a Walking Ghost.

Anyhow, I'm gonna have to come out eventually if I end up settling down w/a lady. They'll probs disapprove with the fury of a thousand suns, blame my Mom, and make me feel like a bigger totes weirdo than I already do there. Like no one dug my skater pants and winter hat phase for some reason, I've never quite recovered from that.
It's my Dad and his shoulders. My aunts and grandparents like to place their hands on my shoulders and say "You've got your father's shoulders." I don't think that's true. My shoulders are kinda bony and muscle-free. I've got girl shoulders, but broad, I guess, 'cause I'm tall. Anyhow, I think they'd like some dude to shoot his sperm inside me and make more shoulders. Nice ones. Hello, turkey baster.

vii. Re:
Oh hey, I never responded to some of the comments on "I want one VLOG I wanted to come through." So let's do that now: um, the idea that my blog gets better as my life goes downhill is obviously the most awesome thing I've ever heard, it's proverbial icing to my proverbial smackden. And veddog, even better is the line directly following that one, when Haviland goes "What? I'd never eat a taco!" You can barely hear her though, thus it's not in the movie. Also, I don't know about BFLs but Carly uses this word "BFD," that means Big Fat Duh, or Big Fucking Duh. I can't remember. And w/r/t to the word "obvs," Hav says that "totes" came from CCM, I don't know where we got obvs from, who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.

So, re: what happened last week. Most of it I really can't/shouldn't talk about for many reasons. Also, Olive is awesome. But I added a Top 8 at the end of this other blog -- kinda trying to condense my bad vibes around this debacle as much as possible.

And ... I wrote this on the day it happened:

10. 31. 2007
Here's what gets me. I'd like to say "things are turning around" and mean it for more than 24 hours. I'd like to have enough humility to not whine about my life when there are people all over the world w/o food. I'd like goodhearted people w/pure intentions to proceed as they desire. I wish this world ... its fucked-up "values," shitty medical care, consistent& pervasive ignorance of truth in favor of shiny, smiling artifice ... the culture of doing the least amount of work possible for quickest rewards ... I wish we could mobilize change for the better, 'cause we're presently stagnant or getting worse.

Today didn't start out right: I was worried that I hadn't heard from Mr. Redacted's people. I called my ex, Jeremiah -- I'm naming him, because he's an asshole -- he's in the NYPD, I thought he'd have advice. I'd called him once this summer under duress, but he'd ignored it, and the last I'd heard of him before then was in March, when, following my rejection of multiple dinner invites and telling him I had a girlfriend, he let me know "I hope you go back to men. Have a nice life. I was worried something awful may've happened to Mr. Redacted's family/people 'cause this silence from them was completely uncharacteristic ... dramatically so.

I figured J's professional ethics might endear him to me, unfortunately, he is a douchebag:

J: "I think u have lost ur mind -- please dont call me again expecting me to get emotional about your personal problems - gbye and good luck to you .. :)"

Also, I feel like that text more or less sums up the mentality that's been grating at me. I've always felt like a bad person but I've been working hard this year to change that. I've got so many kind & generous friends but they seem unhappy more often than the assholes do. Are assholes too dumb to be unhappy? Too mean? Can you be happy w/o a soul?
[ED. NOTE. UPDATE, following a two day pause, because how could I even respond to that, like wtf?, the following exchange occurred:]
J: "I apologize for being harsh with my words. If that is the only reason u call me (trouble) tho u should prob not call me anymore ok."
Me: "OK, well, I hope that you do call me if you're in trouble, as I'd always be there for you in emergency circumstances, even if we don't talk normally."
J: "Why would I need u for emergency help? Lol" [Sidenote: I dunno, 'cause you came to me w/all your girlfriend issues for over a year after we broke up? Also that lol makes me want to throw up all over you, and I hope it's not true.]
Me: "You're so right, I'm totally useless."
J: "Boo hoo."
J again: "It was great when we could speak to each other about anything but now it seems u only call when u need some kind of help i cant even provide."
Me: "I hope being an asshole is making you feel better, because it's not doing anything for me."
J: "im not being an asshole -- im expressing to u that im not here to get used by u yet again -- in a world where everything is about u! call me just to say hi ass."
J Again Surprise: "or dont call me at all - because right now i dont think very highly of you."
Okay, perfect. Also, you're not invited to my party, and also, I am rubber and you are glue, and the human head weighs ten or eight pounds I can't remember, and I'm not sitting with you in the cafeteria anymore and also wtf happened to like, unconditional love? It's not like I handcuffed him to my air conditioner and made him install it or something. Or handcuffed him to the coat rack and made him hang it. As the above picture indicates, I was indeed handcuffed to myself, so obvs I think the world revolves around me. mememememe.

I think I'm going to have to edit this post later today because right now it's just a bunch of smack or something. Typetypetype.
And also: We are, per always, taking requests for vlog topics. Also when I post photos of half-naked women, because I think it's funny to do that, does that make you nervous to read my blog at work? Like, NSFW or whathaveyou?


Diana said...

Are you familiar with another shortening of obviously- "obvi"? This one is far inferior to "obvs," obvs. In college I dated this guy that went to UMich and he had a lot of friends that were in tri delt and they all said obvi, except it was more like (in a valley girl voice) obviiii, and I always thought it was super irritating. They were also all blonde which was weird. Do they only let blonde girls into that sorority?

I will be at the T&S show with a few friends. Could not be more excited. Don't think I've ever anticipated a concert more.

I think I'm about to get the first comment. Hollaaaa

Lozo said...

you're such a post re-poster.

Haviland Stillwell said...


I made it up, ok? It was me.
In ichat conversations, I would
abbreviate a lot, and one of
those abbrev's was "obvs."

Example, "omg lol really, riese? i feel like i'm going to fall off the barricade today, obvs."

And then, it became necessary, because we all have SO much to talk about, that we begin to abbreviate in real life, too. So I started to.

Heather used "obvi," when I met her, with a sense of irony, 'cause she's smart like that, but it didn't stick.

So, there, auto-fans, Haviland made up obvs.

Totes is a different story.

stef said...

one, i want to say that i am so proud of haviland stillwell for mastering blogger and posting under her blogger account. it warms my cold, shriveled little heart.

secondly, for all the readers who can't see my birthday flyer up close, i am wearing a candle hat that says "BLOW ME, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" hey you get to meet my friend elena on saturday - i am pretty sure she is going to be auto-straddle's biggest fan some day, although she doesn't know it yet. my other friends are very goodlooking and drink a lot, which is nice. i hope people come. every year i hype myself up and then have an anxiety attack imagining that nobody will show up.

also, if you paid attention to trainspotting, you would so know that smack = heroin. zombie baby, etc.

i am also apathetic towards thanksgiving but love passover - i will make you vegan matza ball soup someday.

is it weird that i don't listen to tegan and sara? i'm really going to get my white-girl rap on. i watched that umbrella video though - that was killer. i'm excited about that part. we must discuss the logistics of sneaking everybody into the vip section.

ps - nice shoulder.

cait said...

Heyy, ok first of all, from the vlog, les miserobvs was a-m-a-z-i-n-g..
And about DYKES, fully see one of their lumberyards like everyday and once while drunk my friend called and suggested they change their name to 'faggot' cause that'd make more sense, I dunno at the time it was hilarious.

Also this post was so you, like so many thoughts and ideas and yet if someone asked me what it was about I wouldn't be able to explain it.. I mean that in the kindest yay auto-win way, not like you're a hot mess of different ideas. I'm rambling, obvs.

Also Stef I'll show up, just let me know when/where etc. What kind of cake do you want me to bring?

stef said...

cait - email me. stef ms at gmail. there's a pre party dinner where one of my friends is apparently bringing a vegan cake... and then we're going to drink things that are on fire and have little umbrellas in them. and do heroin. nothing says 'party' like heroin.

the dykes trucks all say "YOU CAN ALWAYS RELY ON DYKES," which i find very misleading.

riese said...

Diana: The obvi situation highlights the idiotcracy of these tri - Delts you mention, because it has two syllables therefore not saving too much time, and I imagine annoying girls from Dri-Telt going "obvay" like babay, like Long Island-y. Like you said I guess.
I actually had one friend in Tri-Delt and she was brunette and awesome, but she was different than the other girls ... for one, she said she was the biggest girl in her sorority, and she was like 5'8 and 140. Which means everyone else must have been anorexic. Which is, I guess, entirely possible.

T&S= holla. The real question oughta be, who isn't going?

Lozo: OMG I am also so excited for Saturday night!

Haviland: I invented the post-it note.

-You could change everything right now by listening to Tegan & Sara, your whole life could change.
-re: ps - thanks
-good-looking and drink a lot = lozo's type. he's really coming with me, he just hasn't embraced it yet.

-Credit for Les MiserOBVS = Stef or Lozo I can't remember who. Something from strip club night.
-Faggot would make more sense. Funny, these homo-words that come from objects that aren't ever actually homosexual.
-Also note Stef is promising heroin, a great drug. Well, who doesn't love heroin, is the real question.

EnglishRose said...

Firstly I'd like to say I'm having to open a new tab to comment otherwise I know I'll lose track of things and I have some important things to say (and I'm drunk).

1 - Re Smack - I can't believe you've never heard this. Tis very common in ye olde English language. Examples are as follows:

Smack = Heroin
Smackrat = Heroin addict
Brown = Heroin
Skag = Heroin
Skaghead = Heroin Addict

Just thought maybe you may need some more words for the psycho to call ya.

Also have you read Trainspotting? It's by Irivine Welsh but I'm guessing it might be hard for you to read as the UK version is written in Scottish dialect (USA converted?). Anyway like most books it's totes better than the film.

Re Walking with a ghost: Why take so much responsibility on those there shoulders. If I was you I'd be all like " Yeah well my brother dresses in drag on weekends". It's all about the deflect.

Also Jeremiah (I don't care if I spellt his name right) is a Twat. Well rid.

Also - Naked ladies - no, not so uncomfortable with that.

stef said...

les miserobvs was all lozo, although i would gladly take credit cos it's a brilliant idea. i only write musicals about cab drivers. i would figure out a way to write it in, only i've never seen it and have no idea what it's about. french hookers, i hear.

i really really hope mark renton from trainspotting shows up to my birthday party... ewan mcgregor has never been hotter than he was with that gaunt, hollow face and those tight jeans. i think he was the start of my massive crush on all heroin addicts (in theory, not in practical reality), pete doherty, kurt cobain, you, etc. i read the book, wasn't crazy about it, read porno (the sequel) and actually really liked that.

sometimes i use 'obv' instead of 'obvs' - i feel like there are different tenses and perhaps there should be some kind of abbreviation style manual.

Anonymous said...

Amy Bloom or Anne Carson? Hm.

riese said...

EnglishRose: What's really amazing is the amount of information I receive and totally forget. There's so many things I should know, like how to spell, or when to use "that" or "which," but I just ... I dunno. It's probs 'cause I'm a skaghead. (is that right?)

Like, I actually read Irvine Welsh's "The Acid House" -- a book of short stories, in like, 2000. I liked it actually. And sometimes I skew the truth a little (Mr. Redacted, are you paying attention?), like, I didn't actually see Trainspotting, I just saw the beginning of it, then i got bored, because I feel like I saw like, 100 drug addict movies that year already and I was like, yawn.

Smackrat is a brilliant word, I'll be using it more often.

I think I need my brother to do something terrible, he like got an engineering degree and is a totes upstanding citizen now with a job and everything, it was easier when he was still a slacker.

stef: We will make that abbreviation style manual happen. I'm pretty sure Mark Renton will be at your party. Gaunt heroin addicts are hot, fo'sho, but I imagine it'd be a drag to date an actual heroin addict. Or you know, exciting. A little rush. In the proverbial veins.
Anonymous: Yeah, I just deleted that Jenny quote because I realise it looks retarded w/o all the middle stuff. She endorses both, yeah. Totes. Three cheers to your literacy of all things.

Rebecca said...

"I hope being an asshole is making you feel better, because it's not doing anything for me."

i so need to steal this, if that's okay. i'll return it when i'm done.

you don't like Diet Coke? *confused* it's never occurred to me someone doesn't like it.

Jo said...

As someone who is also picking them self up from rock bottom, I totally understand not being able think beyond today, except to the 21st, when I get to see Tegan & Sara. they are seriously the only thing keeping me going right now.

And off smack, obvs.

asher said...

well i'll be at tegan and sara in atlanta the 16th. does that count for anything?

one of my male friends from school is coming too; he keeps making jokes about hitting on the girls there. i hope he tries.

on the abbreviation front, i went to college with a girl who one said 'vom' to abbreviate 'vomit' and that is where i draw the line. like you really need to abbreviate a 5 letter word. really papi, really?

riese said...

rebecca: I can't handle the aspertime aftertaste. Something about it tastes like chemicals. Bad chemicals. Not smack-y chemicals.
Jo: One Day at a time, obvs, is the motto of Team Rock Bottom.
Asher: The real question is: how often did she use the word "vomit" that she needed to like, even think about abbreviating it?

Bridget said...

the whole thing about your shoulders - made me cry

even the bit about shooting sperm.

Ms. Jackson said...

Oh how I wish I was going to the T&S show but alas, it's sold out. Anyone in the autoverse have an extra ticket for the 19th??

Lozo said...

i have a vlog question submission for haviland.

dear haviland,

you recently mentioned the stagehand strike. i was curious -- am i eligible for a stagehand job? what must one do in order to receive a stagehand job? does one go through you to get this stagehand job? also, would stage fright be a problem for a stagehand job?

keep reaching for the stars,


-M- said...

re: 11/08/07 entry.
I'd like to thank you all for the happy birthday wishes.
and for reading my daughter's blog!
take care,
-reise's mom-

dewey said...

I love that you've linked to Sugar Rush!! Personally I didn't like series 1 but series 2, Sarah Jane Potts, I loved. Haven’t watched it since it was on TV and now think I’m going to have to re-watch it all.

Crystal said...

I think comment #21 has been the latest I have ever commented. I've been sleeping.

Team Rock Bottom sounds amazing, I'd like to sign up. One Day At A Time is also the motto for N.A. Or so I hear? Well suited for your new smack habit.

What you wrote about assholes was perfect, I'd agree that they are too mean/dumb to be unhappy. And, unconditional love, you don't really even hear that phrase anymore, it's like it has been written off.

Anonymous said...

Re Walking with a ghost.

Your dad's relatives don't really need to know about your sex life. It's enough to tell them that you're busy writing, getting published, working on a TV pilot, like that. And that sometimes you miss your dad, just like they do.

Deflect the procreation stuff on to your brother--it'll take the pressure off you.

And keep the lines of communication open. Someday, when you're ready, you'll want to know about Dad--The Early Years, and they're the only ones who know that stuff.

Celebrate his birthday instead.

And Happy Birthday to your Mom.


riese said...

bridget: I'm putting "makes people cry even when talking about shooting sperm" on my list of skills.

ms.jackson: YES. YES WE DO. Want in?

lozo: We will address this tonight, also you made me lol.

-m-: OMG MOM! haaayyyyyy

dewey: It is so addictive, it's ridic. I like it better than insomnia.

crystal: I know where have you been? We're making t-shirts for Team Rock Bottom. Also, I'll be addressing unconditional love in our vows.

anonymous: Thank you. His birthday's on New Years Eve, which was always funny, and still is. But yeah, thank you, Len, for this.

Ms. Jackson said...

Seriously?!? Yes, yes I do!!

Mercury said...

I'm researching my phone, because I want to know how to get at its little plastic pieces so I can blow hair off the contacts and make it work again. (It was all like, "I don't have a SIM card," and I was like, "yes you do, I wouldn't know how to take it out even if I wanted to" and then I was like "so I don't even know how to check and see if it's still there" and then I spent like 20 minutes pulling off the face-plate which did me no good whatsoevs)

Reading your blog is much more fun than that.

I had a bet with myself that nobody'd notice my blog was gone till Christmas but it only made it for like, 2 weeks.

I deleted it cause I didn't feel like I had anything to say anymore. But I'm still here.