Sunday [Monday] Top Ten: A Queer, Sultry Summer

So, air conditioner emissions worsen global warming, but the warmer the globe gets, the more we air condition. Right? That's not gonna work out long-term. Good thing I plan to die at 33, like Jesus. JK. I'll resurrect myself, obvs. Maybe on wordpress. Anyhow, when summer hits I get very cranky: "I hate summer," etc. But let's look on the bright side of life, at least it's summer 2008 and not summer 1808. I had this thought last summer while pondering "what did Emily Dickinson do without air conditioning"? I have the same thoughts over and over, like how we have the same seasons over and over. Like how there was summer last year, and there's also summer this year. That's called "bringing it back around"/"phoning it in." I'll keep going like this for the remainder of the post.

I don't want to take up too much of your time, 'cause as you know, we're only two days away from July 2nd, when you'll be at page 160 of The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. Furthermore, you're probs going to VOTE tonight to see Haviland sing and be cute.

SUNDAY TOP TEN:
REASONS WHY SUMMER IS SLIGHTLY MORE BEARABLE NOW THAN IT WAS IN THE OLDEN DAYS OF THE PRAIRIE

10. Air Conditioning:

[I made this graphic last year to announce the installation of my air conditioner.
So many things have changed since then, I can't believe that's the same room I'm in right now.]

I rush into my room, I stand next to the boxy white A.C., I put my forehead as close to it as I can without catching dysentery. You can snatch a blast from a store if it's got its doors open, or maybe a surprise gust from a heavy office door shutting. When the subway pulls in during rush hour and one car is strangely sparsely occupied, don't fall for it; that's the hot car. You've been waiting all this time in the sweltering black musty gasoline air of the station, anticipating the magic cool of the train, you just can't settle for this sauna. I don't.
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9. Edy's Frozen Fruit Bars: I like to stick things in Alex's mouth that she wouldn't put there willingly, like drugs and Tinkerbell. Howevs, I force-fed her an Edy's Frozen Fruit Bar 'cause it's delicious, not 'cause I wanted to corrupt or annoy her. Unfortunately I forgot that Alex can't eat cold food 'cause of her special teeth. You'd think after visiting the dentist 400 times in a month, she would've had that fixed. In the old days, there were no popsicles, you had to go to the cellar.

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8. The Microwave:

Back in my formative summers, my Mom often denied me requested meals on the grounds that it was "too hot to turn the oven on" (we didn't have air conditioning). Basically what I'm telling you is I grew up in the suburban equivalent of the Nigerian desert. We made our own popsicles out of apple juice and slept in the basement, it was like having a slumber party with your family, which is every pre-adolescent's number one dream. *
7. R-Family Vacations
In the olden days, people only traveled by sea when they wanted to move from England to America on the Mayflower or if they were pirates. (Or "o-pirates" as supr might say.) Now, we hit the ocean in order to spend as much time as possible around other homosexuals and their adopted children and to visit the exotic beaches of Massachusetts. I've gone on "the cruise" the last two summers and this year will be all-a-boarding it once more with Haviland, Caitlin, Alexandra, Tinkerbell, et al -- and hopefully I'll have lots of fun stories to share and a nice tan. I wrote about it in Curve (Page One, Page Two) maybe this year OurChart will hire me to live-blog from the ship. I hope they can sense my wanting telepathically.

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6.Tank Tops

Before feminism, women were supposed to stay covered up all the time, unless they were dirty whores. In fact, even if you were a dirty whore and/or hooker, you would've worn a lot of clothing in the old days -- and "hooker" and "gay" meant the same thing. Look:

I just want to state for the record that I use the word "hookers" as a non-judgmental word, like when I say "slut." I know & love many sex workers, just like I know & love many lesbians but still call them "lesbos" or "homos" 'cause I like the way those words sound. I also love the word "hooker." It's right up there with "cock" and "fuck."

Anyhow, but it's not just hookers who've stripped down -- all women have. Myself included. We wear tank-tops and cut offs ...

... though I despise shorts and all leg-revealing things. Jeans with holes in them: "Instant air conditioning," said Matty as I debated what to wear to work that day. Then we descended my staircase and out onto 115th. He'd walk me to the bus and then go visit his friends at the Taco shop, or go get his big red jeep vehicle and drive to the beach. Or we'd get in the car together and he'd take me to the train station and for a second with the top down atop the monster wheels it was like we'd traveled through time to this strange sweaty street, it was wind like wind itself. The air beneath us conditioned our calves, our whole bodies. Then underground and to the office. Whoosh!

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5. Hot Summer Jams

So obvs the olden days feature many of history's finest musicians, e.g., Bach, Beethoven, etc. Howevs, the villagers didn't always have an orchestra handy to really lay into Beethoven's 5th. Now, thanks to technological advances, you can listen to summer jams on your earphones, e.g., [admit it you want to get back into] Exile in Guyville [so bad it hurts, right? You should, you really should, I am, and it feels so good!], Rhianna "S.O.S." and "Umbrella," Beyonce "Irreplaceable," etc. Although I feel like last year's summer jam was ... THE CON!

Oh also I forgot that people could gather around one person on an instrument, like a piano or a banjo, but that still isn't as good as a Cure song on your ipod.

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4. Girls in Shorts

Standing outside the Border's Bookstore at the Arborland Strip Mall, waiting for my boyfriend to swing around in the purple Kia ("blue!" he said), I told his friend I felt like my boyfriend was mad at me. His friend said, "Well, it is is break up season. Every summer, I want to break up with my girlfriend."

He looked like a sage at the expanse of the parking lot. High school girls in Abercrombie shorts -- half-teenage and half gazelle -- grazed their way across the pavement: "But I don't," he concluded.

"Why is the summer break-up season?" I asked.

"Girls in shorts," he responded. "It's all the girls in shorts," and his eyes traced the legs of all the girls in shorts who suddenly seemed to be everywhere. All the limbs. I was scared, I was not in shorts, would I be left for a girl in shorts? Would I be left for Lolita? Should I wear shorts? Do I need a tan? Heterosexuality was so exhausting. Maybe if the rules had been more innate and less societally prescribed, it would've been less stressful.

Also, there were so many high schoolers in Michigan. They're hidden here, in apartments or schools, or on the Upper East Side. It's better that way, less jealousy of youth's untarnished parts.

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3. The Fourth of July

Prior to the year 1776, there was no "Fourth of July," cause the 4th is a holiday that celebrates the United States winning independence and blowing things up in the air on July 4th 1776. Although you still can't purchase fireworks in Michigan, you must drive to Ohio. After 1776, we started inventing more mini-explosions, intended to look like war-explosions but not the mean or deadly kind (hopefully). As you know I'm not a fan of Fourth of July 'cause of being outside during the hot-times, but this year I'll be in Atlantic City, kissing people's dice so that they'll win big money and we can Damn the Man, Save the Empire!

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2. The Possibility of Sudden Turnaround

Most of global warming's effects are negative, but I do like the possibility that things could suddenly turn around at any moment. We've had an unbearable heat wave every summer since I've gotten here, and each wave is followed by surprisingly temperate conditions. I mean, it could snow tomorrow. It probably won't -- but it COULD. In Orlando, the narrator says that Elizabethian England, things were so different than now: "Of our crepuscular half-lights and lingering twilights they knew nothing. The rain fell violently, or not at all. The sun blazed or there was darkness." It's not like that anymore.

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1. Pinkberry
I want pinkberry right now!

Sunday Top Ten: If We Took a Holiday, Took Some Time to Celebrate

Hallo! First off, check out the list of books on the Saturday Auto-Fun and let me know which one you'd like to be the first Auto-Win Book Club selection. I'll make a decision soon and I la-la-love/need your input ... I'm pretty sure that we've reached a consensus, but you never know, look what happened to Al Gore! Hey, speaking of voting, are you going to VOTE? -- WAIT! this just in ... I could've sworn I saw Wao in paperback at a store recently, but all online booksellers seem to suggest it's not coming out in paperback 'til September. In which case, it can't be our book club selection 'cause $24.95 is a lot of money, right? (Or, rather ... $15 on amazon, it'd seem)

Anyhow ... Happy Father's Day! Hm, obviously this isn't my favorite holiday. What IS my favorite holiday, you ask? Do you like ANYTHING, Riese, or are you all rainshowers and spoiled pudding? Yes, I do like things, I am rainy pudding but I'm also sunshine and bunny rabbits. I like Tinkerbell, matzoh ball soup, presents, unicorns, the smell of rain, making out, the next joke, tweezers, wax museums, ipods, books and children in puffy coats. Also; always been a fan of Administrative Assistant's Day.

I don't mean to pull a Lozo and execute an entire post just to complain, but the topic of "holidays I don't like" offers a mine[field] of possibilities. You step inside it, and there's ten smiling children all saying "no" while shaking their heads "yes." There are nine pictures of children who enjoy the company of other children. In the tenth picture, a child is eating pudding underneath a giant red rain-hat and she's ready to go home. The tenth picture is me.

Sunday Top Ten: Hello Holiday. It's me, Tinkerbell. I'm Just Not That Into You.
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10. Fourth of July

The hot outdoors. Sticky hands. The inevitable consumption of beer, subsequent desire to nap and/or feeling of belly bloated by froth & bubbles & popsicle. Grilling meat into humid air, the clank of cheering bottles, the anticipation of watermelon never matching the pleasure of the fruit itself. Lying in dry grass, near dirt. The assumption that we ought to love America so badly we explode of it. Sometimes I avoid this holiday altogether, and instead write crazy blog entries ...

... but this year, we're celebrating! 'Cause it's Caitlin's favorite holiday and Alex is "really serious" about it. I've actually had some really spectacular July 4ths in my life ... and this year, it'll be the most fun ever. Like independence, which was also fun for the [white male] Americans.

Best July 4th Ever: 2001 -- my diary says; "What's better than the world -- literally -- bursting into sky? Cliches are cliches for a reason." I met up w/Olive Garden friends and we snuck into a private party at a riverside apartment complex to watch the fireworks. I wasn't carded so we drank free beer, ate from big bags of candy and shared candy with children. It rained afterwards and we dashed through it like sparklers.

New Best Fourth of July Ever: 2008! Can't wait!

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9. Lent

[fumiko shibata]

When I'm like, "I want to eat a cookie" or "I want to get sloshed," and you're like, "OMG, I gave that up 'cause of Jesus and Easter and bunnies," I'll be like, "That is lame, I hate you and your holiday, you're gay." Though I liked it when my friends would give up Nintendo, then we could play Pretend or House instead and I wouldn't be left out.

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8. Yom Kippur

This is the day of atonement. Though fasting is a thrilling & self-destructive way to pass the day, it's this holiday's persistent habit of falling on my birthday that makes me dislike it. 'Cause I don't want to atone on my birthday, I want to celebrate, I want cake, I was told there'd be cake, you know?

Best Yom Kippur Ever - 1999: Alone at Sarah Lawrence with an unstable body & mind, I managed Yom Kippur. I went to four services that day at the temple synagogue, fasted, slept, sat in the library with books and pencils and then went back to temple. I broke fast alone, and slowly. I felt actually quite connected to my spirituality that day -- to something larger, and to everything wrong inside of me -- and I'd like to get back to that place some day. Where I could be like, "Are you there, G-d, it's me Marieeee?!?!"

Also, I've been known to enjoy a noodle koogle or two. Break-Fast is the best.

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7. Malcom X's Birthday

I realized I'd been in Planet Harlem for way over a year when I went to 125th to get some coffee and found EVERY SINGLE STORE shuttered for five hours, just like LAST YEAR! -- even the corporate chains closed in "observance" of Malcom X's birthday. If Malcom X were still alive, he'd march right into CVS and get some Aveeno even if he had to get violent, I don't think this was his dream. So it's like a double penalty holiday. Personally, I like to celebrate birthdays of important political leaders by treating myself to a nice cold beverage at Starbucks, but that's just me, keep marching and yelling, wheee!

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6. Thanksgiving

I don't like meat that's on the bone, let alone the whole honking animal sitting there looking at everyone. Either I eat a lot of potato products or there's not anything I want to eat and then I'm hungry. So as you can see it never ends well, look what happened to the American Indians, I rest my case.

Best Thanksgiving Ever: 1999 - So weird that the holidays of my semester at SLC are far more memorable & brighter than my other SLC days and also brighter than holidays celebrated in other years. We made dinner in Meg's NYU dorm with portobellos instead of turkey and we drank Pepsi One and I read The Iliad and Stephen Dunn and wrote. I transcribed "Essay on the Personal" into my journal next to a postcard of a purple & yellow watercolor painting.

2006 was a good one too, 'cause my brother came all the way from New Orleans with home-made macaroni and cheese as his carry-on.

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5. Valentine's Day

[artist]

I think we should all buy each other presents every minute we want to, and sweet things for our lover's mouths. The problem with Valentine's Day is that everything is too crowded to make a reservation except way ahead of time, which means you'll need to have been in a relationship for at least a month, and who has that kind of time, you know? JK. It's just a lot of pressure on an arbitrary day of the year, I like things to mean exactly what they mean, no less or more. I feel gross about buying into the corporate hoo-ha. I do it anyway, but that's 'cause I've been brainwashed by The Man.

Best V-Day Ever: 1998 - Ryan pulled out all the stops. At boarding school, this was difficult, but he did, and he did and he did. The first Valentine's Day on which I had a Valentine, even if he was a homosexual.
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4. Ash Wednesday
'Cause the first four ashed-up people I see make me really confused. On the fifth I say "A-ha!" but those first four were like : "whoa, where's the fire?"
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3. St. Patrick's Day/Puerto Rican Day (TIE)

I don't like anything where streets are blocked from cars and opened to drunk lusty boys & parades, unless it's the Gay Pride Parade. Hey it's raining outside, someone's raining on my parade! Everybody loves a parade, except me. We used to go to a circus parade every year in Ann Arbor, there was always a big elephant and then little people running around the elephant cleaning up after it. I thought, I'd like to have little people like that, following me around with a bucket of water and a proactive protective spirit.

Best Puerto Rican Day Parade Day Ever: 2008! I saw Gypsy with my Mum and Alexandra and Caitlin while the parade raged on, then afterwards we dined at 44x10 at a table by the window. The atmosphere @44x10 is a lot like Cafeteria, so sometimes I mix up my memories from those places 'cause I've got a handful where I'm with Alex and Caitlin and Alex's hand is on my knee and I'm eating smashed potatoes and around us bright spritely servers with perfect gay hair weave between tables, their slim hips bopping in and out of eye level. The first time I ate there was w/Haviland for Kelli's birthday, and the costume of the day was "Tipping the Velvet," but I hadn't read it yet.

Best St. Patrick's Day Ever: Probs 2002. 'Cause I was with Chris at the fraternity, and I believed in jungle juice (that's what they called the red vat of alcohol and fruit we drank from, it was too dark to see the syphillis in the moonlight) and the pure, green holiday. I sat on the stairwell gossiping with two younger girls I'd befriended (other frat "girlfriends" -- we stuck together), one of whom would eventually be using my drivers license as her fake ID, and I told them all my ugly eager secrets as if they weren't ugly but glossy grasshopper gemstones. In the juice, the pineapples turned red, and then our mouths.

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1. Father's DayLast year's Father's Day was one of the worst days of my life, but that was just a coincidence. I was gonna do this topic last year actually but then got distracted. I like that on father's day I can say things about fathers without anyone worrying I'm thinking/talking about my father on purpose and therefore must be whining again, or truly upset. I will buy myself a tie or a pie, or maybe tell a lie to the sky, or have a baby and name him "Guy." The thing about Father's Day ... and Valentine's Day ... is that they're basically created to make us spend money at Sears or get a Chili's gift card or something, and so if you can't celebrate it and that makes you upset, you're letting Sears and Chili's win.

I remember me and Lewis on the couch, watching television in our bathrobes while our friends ate creamy breakfast foods with their stalwart fathers. We weren't the only kids on our couches, I'm sure. I didn't know that then though. Now I do.

Also, 'cause my parents apparently enjoy conceiving nine months prior to unhappy holidays, Lewis's birthday often falls on Father's Day. Not this year! Lewis's birthday is tomorrow! What are you gonna get him? I haven't decided yet personally, but probs an orange or a squeaky dog toy.

That's one of the things I heart about NYC; on any given holiday, there's at least a bazillion other people not celebrating. In other towns if you're not doing Christmas or St.Patty's, you're well aware that everyone else is. Skipping Independence Day or sans Valentine? You're never alone in New York! And we're all far away from our families -- logistically, tangibly. Or not at all, for some people. la-di-da!

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Just FYI, these are my favorite holidays (in random order):

10. Pride: good costumes, many gays, ppl feeling not alone and loathed in the world, lots of big gay parties.
9. Passover: Matzoh ball soup. Egg whites in saltwater. Honey Cake w/matzah meal. Macaroons. Passover Marshmallows. Atkins Diet.
8. Christmas: The spirit and everything. the ritual.
7. Columbus Day: ''cause that was always exactly when you needed a day off from school, not 'cause I like Columbus, obvs.
6. Halloween : I do not know who I am, but I know who I can wear.
5. Hannukah: Latkes, hot crackling oil, presents.
4. Take Your Daughter to Work Day: I love GapKids
3. Election Day!: Vote or DIE
2. Martin Luther King Day : liked going to the gym and singing "we shall overcome" with the whole school holding hands.
1. Rex Manning Day:
We mustn't dwell... no, not today.
We CAN'T.

Not on Rex Manning day!

Sunday Top Ten: Why Don't We Get Drunk and Autowin?

Well, I've had a great week. The best part was when I got fired. The second-best part was when Olive [code name, see prior post for deets]'s father, my ex-boss, cut off Olive's electricity, phone, internet, TV, etc., and forbid her to ever see her 5-year-old brother again. Without lamps or maniacs there would be no light, y'all. [name that ... ]

If you missed the unfolding of this drama, which I obvs will extrapolate further later this week because secrets secrets are no fun, I was terminated following my boss's discovery that I'm a harlot drug addict. Specifically, he's troubled by my compulsion to blog about my "illegal activities, illicit drug use and sexual encounters." I know what you're thinking: but ... that's not true. I'd like to ask you to expand your mind and consider this: what if television characters were real? You know--what if Kit Porter wasn't a fictional character I write about on my "L Word" blog, but was in fact actually my real-life friend? What if when I make "jokes," I was actually "telling the truth, totes serious"? What if I wasn't just thinking about fucking Shane, but actually WAS fucking Shane? I know, that seems crazy, yeah? Well, newsflash -- people are fucking crazy, surprise.

Since I'm already in trouble for a bunch of shit I didn't do, I may as well just do it. As my good friend Paige once told my other good friend Shane, before fucking her on the kitchen table obvs: "Well um, you know what I think. Since we already did the time, we may as well do the crime." So, I'm having Lozo write my Sunday Top Ten, as I'm busy doing drugs and hot chicks, and Lozo writes about way more explicit stuff than I ever do. Lozo's also busy doing drugs and hot chicks, but he took a break from his chick-doing schedule to write this for me. That's the kind of nice guy Lozo is, which is why, unlike Mr. Redacted, he will be spending eternity in the kingdom of heaven with me and all my cool hot friends.

So anyhow. Enough about my half of Team Honest and onto Lozo's. I've outsourced the Top Ten before -- my brother Lewis wrote on things he wished he'd known when he was younger, my BFF Natalie explained why NYC is better than London [I have three BFFs: Hav, Natalie, Krista. FYI.] and TB explicated all the ways in which Opposites Attract.

When I outsource a Top Ten, I still have to pepper the piece with my own notes, 'cause that's fun for me, and all I care about in life besides illegal activities is having fun. Also, I add graphics. Because I like to provide a solid multi-media experience for my readers, and also 'cause it'll make your opiate high burn a little bit brighter, as I'm sure you, like me, are a drug addict. Also; if you really ARE a drug addict, I want you to know that I'm not judging. Whatever it takes to get you through the day, just don't be an asshole, that's really all that matters in life, thank you.

Also: I still have to edit the last two posts, and I owe like 100 emails right now. Also, y'all are insanely fucking awesome, it's like, ridiculous. Seriously. Hands down totes.

Sunday Top 11: A Drunken Heterosexual Pinch-Hitter

Hi. I'm Lozo. Or Dave. Or Dave Lozo. How's it going, lesbian community? That's nice. I have to say, you all look really great today. Like, I'd love to give you all a ride on the Lozo pogo stick in an attempt to "straighten" you out. See what I did there? That's what I do.

Well, here's the deal. Marie, MLB, Rieselette, Riese wanted to move forward with her blog. Break free from the sadness of the last few days. Give Auto-Win a "rebirth" if you will. Well, I'm part comedian, part gynecologist, so there is no one better to do this than me.

Riese gave me a list of suggestions for her top 10 this week. They were as follows:

top ten differences between lozo and autowin

top ten similarities between lozo and autowin

top ten difference between lozo's comments and autowin's

top ten moments of autowin

top ten crazy assholes

top ten reasons i actually read this blog

top ten things i wish autowin wrote about more often

top ten things autowin could do to make her blog better

top ten things autowin readers could learn from lozo

top ten things that make lozo and autowin's marriage work

top ten PSAs from lozo for autowin's people

She decided to give me 11 suggestions for her top 10. At first, I thought she wanted 11 top 10s, or a top 110 if you will, but it turns out no. It was probably totally probs totes on purpose.

I couldn't choose just one. They were all so good and inspirational. So instead of a top 10, I am going to do a top 1 from each category, and that will end up being 11 things, hence a top 11. I will also try to "Riese up" this post, as to keep everyone reading this happy.

11. Top 1 Difference Between Lozo and Autowin.

You might not believe this, but there are quite a few differences between a heterosexual man and a bisexual woman. I know. I didn't believe it at first, either. Just like that little kid in Kindergarten Cop pointed out, boys have a penis, girls have vagina. I'm pretty sure the kid left out "a" before "vagina" in the movie. But that's the obvious thing. Besides, people have told me at times that I have sand in my vagina, so maybe I actually have a vagina and don't know it.

But the hands down totes obvs diff between Lozo and Autowin is her need to abbreviate words that, in some cases, don't need to be shortened, and her overall mastery of inventing language. I mean, come on, Marie. You save a total of three letters when you shorten totally to totes. [But I cut syllables by 66%.]

For instance, when I first got here, it took me a month to find out what a totesbag is. I thought it was something you carried an umbrella in. I'm not joking. And I can't not think of the Arizona Diamondbacks when I hear the term "d-bags."

10. Top 1 Similarity Between Lozo and Autowin.

You might not believe this, either, but a heterosexual man and a bisexual woman have a lot things in common. I know, I didn't believe it at first, either. We both love Empire Records and Nolan Ryan.

Our biggest similarity? Besides our striking good looks and our love of naked women? I'm going to say sense of humor. [Also, we're both often home on Friday nights. Just sayin'.] [And Saturday nights.]

I feel like if Riese was going to be a straight male, she'd be me. And if I was going to be into chick-on-chick action, I'd be her. Because we seem to agree on just about everything that the other finds funny. For instance, we both get a kick out of bi-polar people who tell us our dead fathers are in hell and stuff. It's a real knee-slapper.

We always want to know what is with today today.

I'm just saying that while we may not agree on certain comedies, we both pretty much LOL or LMAO about the same stuff.

9. Top 1 Difference Between Lozo's Comments and Autowin's.

This one is easy. You guys are clearly gayer. Ha. Kidding. My commenters are probably all gay, too. Clearly the difference is commenters here have no problem banging out 600-word comments and coming back and adding another 500-worder later. [That's a good analogy for how my commenters are in bed, too, FYI.]

My commenters? Just a bunch of dudes trying to get in my pants via agreeing with me all the time. And let me tell you -- I'm not letting that happen again. My ass totes hurt for a week. [I'd like to add that I don't like things up my ass either. Write that down, Mr. Redacted, under "sins I don't engage in."] [One of the funniest things Olive ever said, before it became foreshadowing: "[redacted] is my Dad's assistant. But he's so far up my Dad's ass, you'll probably never see him."]

8. Top 1 Moment of Autowin.

This one is tough. I'm relatively new to the game. For me, it was the first mention of me in a blog post. You see, I used to be taboo around here for obvious reasons, so I always felt like the secret friend, like that ugly girl Kevin dated on that episode of The Wonder Years. I think it was an IM chat that got posted on here or something.

Plus, everyone hated me at first because I left comments like, "So, Marie, in case you ever break up with your girlfriend, I'm 6-foot-3. Just throwin' it out there." The tide has turned since. The lesson here? Persistence and being tall pay off.

7. Top 1 Crazy Asshole.

So many ways I can go here. I hear certain people are taking their pills. I also realize we're trying to move forward, so let's take a different route here. The craziest asshole? Jenna Jameson.

Why? Well, I don't mean in it in a clinical sense. After all, I'm a gyno, not a psychiatrist. But I do know this -- she bleached her anus a long time ago, and to me that's crazy. Therefore, that's the craziest asshole I know of.

6. Top 1 Reason I Actually Read This Blog.

As the joke goes, all I do is skim for my name and read those parts. Which is kinda true. I mean, if I'm in it, I like to know in advance. I would just prefer to know if I should brace for something, for instance, Rieseycakes posting a conversation we have where I say I hate all my commenters.

But the reality is I really like Marie. And her blog is an extension of her, so I really like her blog. I think that's a huge part of the bloggingosphere. If you like the person, and that person is blogging about themselves, you will read it. I mean, I am neither female, gay, poor, or constantly in contact with imbalanced people, so it's not like I identify with what goes on. I just care about her, so I care about what's going on in her head. [Awww. Consider my heart warmed.]

5. Top 1 Thing I Wish Autowin wrote about more often.

Lesbian sex. I'm not kidding. What? Or sex with me. I mean, I know me and her have a deal where we're not allowed to make eye contact with each other (or the dwarf) or talk during sex, but still, I could sure go for an honest review of it on here. Besides, if psychotic old men are going to screw her out of money because she blogs about sex, why not actually blog about sex? I'm just sayin'.

4. Top 1 Thing Autowin Could Do to Make Her Blog Better.

Obviously, it's post more. Not that she short-changes us when she does, but twice a week? Come on. You shouldn't be posting as often as a married couple has sex. Maybe. If that. I want more. [Is this a common sentiment? I feel like if I post all the time, then people won't be able to keep up, let alone comment. Also, on that same token, and by that I mean, on the opposite token, I was saying the other day that I should consider just embracing the Auto-Win unemployability factor and become a full-time blogger. Like, every time I have a thought, I post. Like internet performance art. Pictures, videos, links, interpretive dancing, sex w/Lozo, whatevs. Live-drama.]

3. Top 1 Thing Autowin Readers Could Learn from Lozo.

This is tough. There are so many, seeing as how I'm so totes awesome and full of knowledge. It's really hard to pick one, and I probs'll pick the wrong one, but here it is: I have a huge penis.

Kidding. Well, it's true, but it's not the one thing you could learn. It's this -- life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.

Kidding again. I don't know. This is hard. Like, first-thing-in-the-morning, waking-up-next-to a-naked-Heidi-Klum hard. OK. I got it. I'm going to give you the key to happiness. It's going to seem simple and weird at the same time. The key to life is this -- being able to see past the immediate present and being able to see the not-too-distant future.

For instance, let's say your life sucks right now. Your girlfriend just left you for some other girl with a short haircut, or you've had a death in the family, or you just got fired for hitting on your female boss. Whatever it is lesbians do. I really don't know.

OK. Focus on that immediate pain in your life. Sucks, right? The pain, the grief, the sorrow. OK. Ready? Good. The key to dealing with all that is to realize that at some point in the not-too-distant future, it's all going to get better. And that's a fact.

Well, if your problem is a missing limb or a terminal disease, well, OK, you got me, it's not going to help. But you will feel better about your gf/bf leaving you, your loved one dying, your loss of a job because you'll get a new one.

You just have to train your brain to realize that all emotions, especially pain, eventually subside, and you must remember that pain eventually goes away or gets to the point where it's much better. It's just something to keep in mind the next time tragedy befalls you. Try it. Do the necessary grieving, but just always remember, as bad as it is at that moment, it will get better.

Told you. Simple but weird. But so few people actually do it.

2. Top 1 Thing That Makes Lozo and Autowin's Marriage Work.

Clearly it's going to be Sunday Menages. Kidding. I think the key is going to be talking and doing stuff besides the sex. Because it's pretty much Earth-shattering. It gets better every time. I'm just afraid if we are just constantly doing it with Vodka bottles and Haviland filming it, shouting, "OMG! Lozo, you probs'll hurt her with that thing!" we are never going to talk.

And that's important. I'm just saying. Not every massage after work needs to lead to a two-hour passion session.

1. Top 1 PSA From Lozo to Autowin's People.

The more you know. I guess all I can say is this -- if you're a lesbian, you should make out with you girlfriend in public at all times. Especially if you want stuff. I'm not even kidding. If I got to my car, and two girls were making out on it and said, "Can we take your car for a ride?" I'd have the engine running before she even got "ride" out of her mouth. [That's not all you probs'll want to get out of her mouth ... ]

*

Hi it's Riese again. I just wanted to say:
1. Reading the comments on this May 15th entry ... [the post was about deleting my myspace] ... actually made my stomach hurt, 'cause almost every comment is so ... LOADED, in retrospect. Like: wow. Like: whoa! Also reading Carly being all like "Hi, I've never commented before but I really love your writing," is like one of the most heartwarming adorable things ever.
2. I mention it because I'd like to share Lozo's first comment with everyone:

"i'm not sure who you are, and i'm not sure where exactly you linked to me, but i just wanted to say you really remind me of elliot from scrubs, so i'm going to fall in love with you in about 7 minutes."

She's 5'8. Just throwin' it out there.

Sunday Top Ten, Part Two: You Got Some More Deep Inside Of You

So I thought it'd be super-awesome to not write my story for the reading until two days beforehand. It's still in various states of terribleness. I need a job where there's no such thing as "the last minute." I guess that would be an astrophysicist or a prophet or something.

I might try to make this post better than it is within the next 24 hours, or else delete this sentence. I really need to work on my issues with committing to first drafts.

This post is the result of a mind that's pretty certain it's out of words. I'm only awake to write this because my roommate's passport is in her storage unit in Queens and her flight for Toronto [a city in Canada, her homeland] leaves in two hours, so it's like, Full Fledged Crisis in our apartment at present. I told her she's probs not supposed to be on the flight if she doesn't make it, like it's fate.

Starr: Do you think there's any way I could get into my storage unit, even though it's closed?
Me: You mean like, Jedi shit?

See how helpful I am in a crisis? Very.

SUNDAY TOP TEN, PART TWO, ITEMS 7-1
DREAM JOBS if salary, time, qualifications and
history were no object.

7. Haviland's Special Spot - Dream Job: Hairstylist

This week I am giving Haviland one special spot on my Top Ten for her dream job, which she just discovered recently.

Me: "Today I kept wanting to cut off all my hair."
Haviland: "Ooooo can I do it?"
Me: "Right now?"
Haviland: "Yeah! But I've never cut anyone's hair before and don't have the right scissors."
Me: "Um, okay. I guess no one's gonna see it anyhow besides my PhotoBooth and like, Zoey and Starr."
Haviland: "Yayyy! This is gonna be soooo much fun!"

Haviland's now decided she's destined for hairstyling, and I gotta say, she did quite a job using purple scissors designed for the elementary school classroom, I don't even need to get it fixed by a pro. I like it. Once I cut my own hair when I was 15, otherwise I probs woulda been more nervous. But what I learned from that experience was: hair grows back.

---

And now for a quick interlude. It'd seem that most of my ideas about "the workplace" have come from movies about record stores. Today's introductory thought comes from "Empire Records": Warren shoplifts a bunch of records and gets caught by Lucas.

Warren: You're psycho. You are psycho. What the hell is wrong with you people? You all belong in the loony bin. Every one of ya. Forget you guys, I don't need you. You think you're so good and damn great 'cause you work in a freakin' record store. You think you're so superior! Hey, Joe, Lucas steals nine grand from you and you don't do dick to him? So you gonna give me a job now?
Berko: So that's it, Warren? You wanna work in a record store?
Warren: No.
Lucas: I think you're lying, Warren.
Warren: He's not gonna give me a job, man.
Lucas: How do you know?
Warren: Why should he? Why should anyone give me a job?
Lucas: He gave me a job.
[police sirens are approaching]
Warren [to Joe]: So, do I get the job?
[cut to back room where AJ is making Warren a store ID tag]

I think about that part a lot, when he goes, "So that's it, Warren? You wanna work in a record store?" Like he goes in there and robs it and makes fun of it, but the truth is, he just wants to be a member of their dynamic team.

I imagine this happening to me too. One day Ilene Chaiken will burst onto the scene with: "So, that's it, Marie? You want to work for The L Word?" [6]. Another day, Shaquisha from Duane Reade will offer: "So, that's it, Marie? You want to work at Duane Reade?" [5] and my answer to both of those questions would be 'YES!" Here's why:
a) I think I could make "The L Word" even better than it already is. I know, I know: you find that hard to believe. Well, I've thought of a few things and I'm prepared to go down on whomever I have to to make this happen, except EZ Girl.
b) I really don't think the lines have to be that long. They just need to rearrange their floor plan to have less people on "standing around doing jackshit" duty and more people on "register." Like I would be the head cashier at the Duane Reade everyone wanted to go to on account of our speedy service.

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4. Personal Trainer

I'm not very good at lifting. I just wanna get paid to go to the gym and be in super-good shape. "This is how you do 'quick start' on the elliptical trainer, obvs.'" Like that. If they were like "How do you get abs of steel?" I'd be like "I dunno, ask that guy."

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3. America's Next Top Model

OK so what if you went on this show, and in the beginning, you were totes like, going with the flow ...

First, Tyra walks in the room: you burst into tears.

They prod for your life story, you offer up: "Every day I got beat up/robbed, Mammy & Pappy burned to death in the fire, then I found out I had cancer and beat cancer and had a baby, got my college degree and got hit by a car, I made all my limbs out of trees and built my own clothes from the skins of animals 'cause we so poor, we eatin' ketchup packets like they're tomato soup, or Ramen every day like Riese."

You get into the house, you fight with everyone like "I love Jesus!" or like "I hate Jesus!" or whatever'll have the best effect.

You make out with some straight girls.

So then once you're IN, you start revolting quietly ...

Like you're NOT gonna freak out about the Tyra Mail, you're just gonna be like: "Oh, what's up, it's the mail."

And at your makeover, you're like "Whatevs, it's a free haircut bitches!"

And when they ask you to hang from a building in a bikini while wild animals try to rip your skin off with their claws in the rain because that's what happens in high fashion, you're like "Awesome, that's what I do for fun! Bring on the tigers!" You know?

You just revolt against all attempts to transform you into someone who goes "OMG TYRA!" Like the anti-Natasha? That'd be pretty awesome, I think.

Howevs, if Miss Jay were looking at me right now, he'd say: "Girl, put DOWN the popcorn. You do not need that."

I'm watching the first episode right now and Tyra, Miss Jay and Jay Manuel just recommended one girl receive "a good ol' high fashion ass-whoopin'!" Are any of these girls lesbians is what I want to know? If they go another season without a lez, I'm gonna start a letter writing campaign. They're lucky I still watch it now after they kicked off Kim. Did you guys watch tonight? Tonight was the first night I've watched teevee without intent to recap in months. I watched "Gossip Girl" too. [Side note: still have no story, story I still have is bad.] I did other things at the same time, like write this brill blog entry.

Who were your favorite Top Model contestants ever? Wanna know mine? Okay!
1. Lisa D'Amato, Cycle 5
2. Dionne Walters, Cycle 8
3. Kim Stolz, Cycle 5
4. Brittany Brower, Cycle 4
5. Elyse Sewell, Cycle 1

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2. A Dairy Queen Worker

Dairy Queen was the only place in town that would employ 14-year-olds, it seemed like everyone worked at the Packard Dairy Queen. We'd walk there, get free Blizzards with every kind of candy on earth stuffed inside it. I felt like all the paying customers were big suckers. One summer the Packard Dairy Queen ended up losing money. Then, later in life I started dating the best friend of the son of the Dairy Queen's owner, and then it was like, wow, this is the guy we stole all that ice cream from. Not like I brought it up or anything, but it was just weird, I mean, not like his son didn't give us free ice cream all the time too. I could go for a Blizzard right now.

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1. TeeVee Writer Obvs

There's this sitcom called "Living it Out ..."

---

I just thought of more I'm going to start counting back up again. OK? Okay.

1. A Rock Star: I think I mentioned this last time. Get to meet other rock stars, party all night, have groupies, wear cute clothes, make political statements, design handbags, have extra money to give to people who actually need it.
2. A Taste Tester for French Fries: Because I really love french fries, so it's a cause I believe in, I also have a good mental database of other french fries.
3. Therapist: I feel like most therapists are secretly really fucked up, but they're good at telling other people what to do and they're usually right when they do. Like meeeeee!
4. One of Those Office Jobs: where you sit at a desk all day, getting paid to do your own shit and being ignored and not doing real work. Whatever job it is that enables most bloggers and their readers, I want one of those.
5. A Movie Star: I would have a lot of money, and then I could buy my Mom a castle.
6. Hat Tester: Most hats are too small for my big head. So if I could get involved in the process a little before the "retail" stage, maybe I could change that. I'd like to do the same thing for shoes, make them larger but with shorter heels. I bet I could get it plugged on America's Next Top Model.
7. An Ex-cast member of "The Real World" so I could be on the challenges where you get to play the games in the outdoors. I'd be like "no more drama, bitches."
8. Personal Assistant to Shane for Wax: Shane is a hairstylist at West Hollywood's hottest hair salon, Wax.
9. Pharmacist: Then I could have access to all kinds of fun things I could sell on craigslist. If you go to "Wanted" there are all these people all the time trying to get their hands on some painkillers, there are some real sob stories on there. Don't ask me why I'm obsessed with the craigslist "items 'wanted' section, I just am.
10. Interview Subject: I like to talk about myself and I can talk about a lot of topics. Try me.
11. Drug Dealer: Because then I'd have a lot of bling and could buy my Mom a boat for the river outside her cottage.
12. Philanthropist: I think first I need to have another job where I make a lot of money to give away, but if I could skip that part and go straight to where I pick charities to give money to, that would be hot.
13. Copywrite for "smartwater": Seriously all of their copy is retarded. "Is it just us or do clouds get a bad rap?" Um, ew, whatever. It's totally just you.
14. Entrepreneur: I have a lot of really good business ideas, I just need some financial backing. Seriously I'm like a walking talking invention convention.

Sunday Top Ten: I Want a House on the Beach and You in My Dreams

This week was the Season Three premiere of South of Nowhere, which, much to Carly and I's discontent, was an hour long. This effed up both my comforting-assertion-to-myself that SON recaps would take less time than L Word recaps and our drinking schedule. [Recap Here ]

This's particularly funny 'cause we've been really gunning for ourselves that it's okay that we've got an hour-long pilot for our half-hour sitcom. But I don't have to recap my own sitcom. OMG, what if someone recapped our show? I think I'm gonna have to recap it too, just to be sure I'm the first one to make fun of myself. I'm stressed out just thinking about it. Clearly I need a screencap-focused intern. That's duty number two, after "Get me iced coffee. I said no sugar! NO G*&%$^#@* sugar, woman!" Seriously, if anyone's free right now, I'm so tired that I've moved my office to my bed. I read in a magazine never to do work on your bed because then your mind gets confused about what's supposed to happen on your bed and then it's harder to sleep. I think my mind is already plenty confused about what's supposed to happen in my bed. E.g., where is Jackie Warner?

Anyhow, it's always a good idea, when you don't know what to do for your blog because your brain is fried, to ask Lozo for suggestions. His demographic is pretty similar to mine; I'm a dubious bisexual who recaps lesbian television shows and talks about herself, he's a straight male who thinks [incorrectly] Kelly Clarkson is fat. I think we have a good crossover audience.

Really the main things we have in common are: we both like girls, we're often intoxicated, there is no situation too tragic for us to make jokes about it [and we know from tragedy], we know what Rex Manning Day is, and we are both mortal. He explores a variety of topics on his blog like: sex [not necessarily having it, obvs, but like, thinking about it and wanting to have it; who to have it with, how he'd like it, etc.] and baseball. These were his suggestions:

Lozo's Top 10 Suggestions:
Things In Life You Wish You Had Done By Now
Things In Life You Want To Do Before You Die
Unexpected Things That Have Come As A Result Of Your Blog
Songs/Albums You'd Like To Have Sex To (perhaps again)
Places You'd Like To Live Instead of NYC
Places You'd Like To Bang Guys (kidding)

I'd like to bang guys over the head with a pitchfork. (kidding)
(Really, kidding! )

I think I already did Places I'd Like to Live Instead of NYC, more or less. Although right now I'm pretty focused on West Hollywood. I don't know how this happened, but I think it has something to do with mountains.

"Unexpected Things That Have Come As A Result of Your Blog" is clearly an attempt at getting me to tell stories about making out with girls, as is "Songs/Albums You'd Like to Have Sex To." So that leaves the first two things, which are both great ideas, good work Lozo. They are also sort of similar. That's okay. You have a lot of thoughts happening in your head at once.

[Also side note: I don't actually know Lozo in real life. Wouldn't want anyone to think we're BFFs sitting at the bar, because then you might wonder, why don't I have time to sit at the bar with you and be your BFF? Not that I'm super-fun to be at the bar with, I'm just bad at making time for people when I should. Well, I'm not at the bar with hypothetical friends, just ask Lozo, he's never even met me.]

Oh so, because I'm sort of taxed out from the recap/life, I'm going to be doing this thing that I used to do which is where I just write stuff down. It'll be candid and fun and tangential, like reality television, or talking to me in person, or my last blog, except not serious, and that went over a-ok. Anyhow I could do an Endless Series called "Ten Things I Want to Do Before I Die." I mean, there's so many things! Hm. Anyhow, this is today.

Also, remember in Office Space when he's like, What would you do if you got a million dollars? And he's like "Two chicks at once." That was funny.

Sunday Top Ten: Things In Life I Want To Do Before I Die

(Also sidenote Lozo, totes repetitive. Things "in life" I want to do before I die? As opposed to what, exactly? Things I'd like to do "in dreams"? )

*
10. Develop a Healthy Income That Enables The Production of A Child, Good Food, Travel, and Plenty Left Over to Donate to Those In Need and Everyone I Love and Every School I've Gone To and The Public School System in General, and Get Veneers or Whatever, New Teeth. Shiny White Teeth.

I think everyone wants this, clearly, except people who already got new teeth and people who're already rich. It would suck if that didn't happen until after I died, you know? (Lozo specified "in life," so I'm trying to stay faithful to the concept.) Like Van Gogh or whatever. Not that I'm comparing myself to Van Gogh. He'd probably call me and want me to never fucking compare myself to him, like Monet did to Jenny on "The L Word."

*
9. Go to Israel, The Land of Milk and Honey.

I want to cement my Hebrew language skills and see the Holy Lands of my people. I was gonna go when I finished studying Hebrew, but I got really scared of Al Queda. I am aware this is an irrational fear. But then: I started taking trains everywhere, like cross country and stuff, and having dreams about 9-11ish situations all the time.

*
8. Get "Living it Out" on the TeeVee
Obviously. Can I talk about this enough? [No.]

*
7. Place my Mother in a Really Fancy Nursing Home or Lesbian Retirement Community (Kidding, Mum! Scratch "Nursing" and "Retirement.")

When I get rich, the first thing I need to do is buy my Mom high-speed internet and a nice totesbag, because she uses really weird bags, like she was using a fanny pack as a purse for about two years, and usually'd just take my bags when I was done with them. It's cute when she shows up at the airport to pick me up with a backpack, but I'd like to treat her to somethin' special. I'm sure gmail adsense has some suggestions for totesbags on the right hand column of every email I've ever written.

Then, I'll move the whole family to Australia and then we'll get a nice house with a saucy maid and a gourmet cook for her and Susan. I can work for [redacted HR company, wouldn't want them to google this] whenever Crystal falls asleep at her desk or is too hungover to function, writing ads about enabling swift and effective delivery of deliverables. On the weekends I can travel to West Hollywood to hang out with Jackie Warner in her bed. Except I hate airplanes, they make me want to die/throw up. Which is ironic, considering I avoid them because I'm avoiding death via Al Queda, but yet when I get inside one, I'm like, just kill me now, whatever, Praise Hoo-ha.

*
6. Fix my G-dforsaken Website, Etc.

Does anyone have some free time and web design skills? [And a steady income not requiring any supplementation whatsoever?] If you've spent any time on OurChart today, I bet you could re-orient that time towards something else, for example, memememeeme. There are no rewards besides that I will link to you [if you want] which'll probs result in about 4-5 additional hits a week on your whatevs [only 2 of those will be from me], and I can make up stuff about you on the blog like "[your name here] gives great head" or "[your name here] said [this funny thing that actually I said]." So basically: no rewards. But I'll like you soooo much. SOOOOOO much. I don't like a lot of people. [Being liked by me=Not really a reward either.] Sigh.

I sorta-fixed my template on auto-straddle but it's still messed up in spots [why are the new widgets at the bottom of the right hand sidebar?!! Anyone?!], and I don't have the time to do that here on auto-win and I want a new template here but I want to keep all my widgets. Also, my main webpage makes me want to scream, like Michael Jackson in the video for "Scream," I hate it. Even just a better banner. I keep making new banners and they keep sucking.

I imagine if you're really good at something, you can do it really fast, right? Also, you can win a free date with Haviland (if you're a lesbian), Natalie (if you're a straight man), Cesar (if you're a smokin' hot gay man) or Lozo (if you're a straight girl) AND all of The L Word Season Four DVDs before they come out in stores. JK about that last part. That'll cost ya. (JK Mica at Showtime, seriously I promise I'm not going to sell them on ebay) (Until I finish this pound of crack rock on my desk, and then anything's fair game. How much would you pay me for Haviland? She's got really pretty hair.) (JK Heather I would never do that to you) (Before you leave for San Diego).

(Also Peter don't worry, I would never sell a date with Natalie. Since she lives in Cleveland right now, I figure I won't have to follow through anyhow. It's just that she's very pretty.)

Also you can have our dog, Heart. She's annoying and pees on the floor every time someone comes over. Also you can have my actual heart. That's right, all the love in my heart. (Warning: Most of it's been torn out and run over, but I do alright with what I've got left, I think.)

No but really. JK about all those things you could get. Yup. Nothing parenthetical about this particular instance of JKing. Howevs, seriously. Just thought I'd ... give it a shot? Email me or comment, or whatever.

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5. Get a Six-Pack

I know, I know. I'm skinny. But why don't I [think I] have a six pack? I mean, aside from the fact that I [feel like I've] gained ten pounds in the last three weeks. That's not so much a result of excessive consumption as it is that I got super-emaciated due to the Depression Diet, and now I'm getting back to normal, which is still skinny, but STILL sans-six-pack. I referenced the Depression Diet (McDonalds and candy, mostly, because you need to motivate yourself to eat anything at all because heartache kills the appetite. A way OUT of a woman's stomach is through her heart, y'all!) in the post-breakup blog, if you're interested in trying it. This is what I'm going for:

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4. To Read A Whole Bunch More Books And Be A Lot Smarter

There are about 10,000 smart-people books I haven't read yet that I really need to read. E.g., Written on the Body, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Howevermany Years of Solitude, Catch-22, To The Lighthouse, The Grapes of Wrath, The Fountainhead, A Room With a View, The Sun Also Rises, Midnight's Children, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man ... ugh, I could go on and on. I'm pretty up on contemporary lit, but I fall short in the backlist. I'm glad I read Jane Eyre already.

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3. Have a Nice Healthy Relationship Involving Love, Mutual Support, Intellectual/Creative Stimulation, Fantastic Mind-Blowing Sex, Independence, Personal Growth, Mutual Interests, Happiness and Stability.

I know, it's a long shot. But look at Portia and Ellen! They're happy. It's possible.

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2. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro

See, my Dad wanted to climb all Seven Summits (the highest peak on every continent) before he died, but clearly that didn't work out. I used to want to do that, but that might be sort of impractical. In any event, one of the ones he did get to is Kilimanjaro, and I'd like to go to the top of that mountain, and be like, "What's up? Here I am."

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1. All These Other Things I Apparently Wanted as of March 24, 2002

In an effort to cut back on time [I think I'm talking about time management so much I can't possibly be doing it. Like "stop talking about time management" should be on my list of "ways to manage time more effectively."], I thought I'd search my hard drive to see if I'd possibly made a similar list at some earlier point in time, which wouldn't surprise me, because I have a lot of random lists on my computer.

And obvs, I found one. When I constructed this list, I should've put "break up with my dumb boyfriend" and "stop drinking Mad Dog 40/40" at the top of the list. Oh well. I could probably make a whole blog just commenting on how I feel about these things now. Maybe I did put "break up with my dumb boyfriend." I guess that's "22." Also, I find "2" hilarious considering that a fear of "2" prevented me from submitting anything anywhere EVER until like, I moved to the city, so it's not like I'd gotten anything.

ALSO: Things I've Totes Done: 2, 4, 11, 12, 13, 31 ... erum 22? Yeah. 22! I think!
[ALSO: for "1," I had this obsession with "Stealing Beauty," the film.]

The List of Things I Wanted on March 24 2002, Completely Un-Edited Despite It's COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING CONTENTS, especially number 33, which I really considered deleting, but thought, no, it's kinda funny, right?

1. go to italy, frolic in vineyards like liv tyler
2. accept, with grace, one very solid rejection letter for a solid manuscript
3. solidify musical taste
4. have a relationship where i don't freak out all the time
5. make the most masterful mix tape ever
6. write a book
7. make a movie
8. learn to grill really well
9. watch/help a friend start a business that promotes independent artistic visions, or else do it myself
10. live with ryan again
11. find a nest with krista
12. join something in which i know not-one; ender bold, unfearing, make honest and uncynical efforts to make new friends
13. make my own website
14. have a darkroom in my house, which i use, a lot
15. learn to draw
16. make yoga a regular part of my life
17. learn to meditate
18. climb mount kilamanjaro
19. have a child
20. get a job at a magazine or a newspaper
21. go to sleep early, consistently, for at least a year
22. learn how to get out of destructive relationships, carve myself into the right ones
23. return all phone calls
24. really love my body, even if i will never have a flat stomach
25. help save a chinese baby
26. travel to india
27. learn something concrete and experiential about zen buddhism
28. gain pregnancy weight and not have a mental breakdown about it
29. cross-country road trip
30. live with jake
31. regain/embrace independence once more before i get married
32. listen, focus, pay attention
33. see the indigo girls with my daughter

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Also, if there was a "34" it would be: "Have a blog with awesome readers like y'all."
Seriously! Not JK at all. Hands down totes dream come true in life.

Sunday Top Ten: Me Against the Music

[Totally unrelated UPDATE/sidenote: I just discovered that the International Hyperhidrosis Society has put up a PDF of my Marie Claire article on their website! So if you live underwater, in the U.K, or have a foot/leg injury preventing you from walking to the store, you can download it here.]

This post originally began with a very compelling musing on the state of my hair & nails. I've been trying to fix these problems via various cost-efficient methods, e.g., a hair-style Cesar remarked resembled that of a sweaty/pained future-mother in her 12th hour of labor, a hat, cutting my nails super-short to minimize polished-to-unpolished ratio, staying in.

Three days ago, my roommates told me they liked my "new dark hair," and when I went into the lit agency, Stephen/Rambo told me: "You know, Marie, I liked you better as a blonde." I found both of these statements alarming, as I've made no conscious effort to return to dark hair. It just HAPPENS, you guys, it's called GROWING. [Roommate Ryan did offer "Roots are in!" which was kind/false.] I tried to get a manicure in this 'hood, but mostly they wanted to make my nails totally heterosexual and then adorn them in bright colors and tiny gemstones.

So because I'm a proactive little puppy, I went out and fixed all my problems today and feel much better. Also Haviland was at DRAMATICS NYC SALON with me, and said my haircut looked like when we "first met," and then we both went: "awwww." It was A Moment, and I just wanted to share that with all of you, because I love you. Not like I love Haviland, or love FASHION, my stylist today [this's the place where they all have weird names, like lame porn stars], but Love you, just the same. I love everyone because my hair smells like hula girls.

(I tried to recreate the pose in order to best display the difference. But you can't really see how my nails are chipped in Photo 1.)

So speaking of Moments and Love ... [see that? That's called "bringing it back around."] [No it isn't. It's called "talking about myself, then pretending it's a segue into a Sunday Top Ten, coincidentally also about Myself. But also about Music. Kids like music, right? Rock and roll, etc.?]

A long time ago, Crystal posted this Musical Memoir blog where she traced her life through songs/music. Then, as is her way, she deleted it. I told her I'd steal that idea one day. So did Stef. Stef did it. Now, it's like ten years later, and I'm doing it.

SUNDAY TOP TEN:
ALBUMS MOST ASSOCIATED WITH CERTAIN SENTIMENTS ASSOCIATED WITH CERTAIN PERIODS OF TIME
or
"MUSICAL MEMOIRS"

(sidenote: I ain't too proud to [have] love[d] the Clueless soundtrack, obvs.)

10: 14/Grief and Depression: The Year of Soundtracks: Clueless, Empire Records, The Brady Bunch Movie

(runners up: The Cardigans/First Band on the Moon, frente!/marvin the album)

After tragedy, I turned to movies about shopping, makeovers, teen-movie-style-love [the kind where the Good Guy wins, confessions-of-love are smooth sailing, and grand gestures lead to French Kissing], flashy cars, short plaid skirts, and cleverly choreographed dance routines. Perfect rock/pop bouncy sunshine. Empire Records, Clueless, The Brady Bunch Movie. Everything about those films glowed like Gatorade. We made music videos, snapping our feet in plaid pajama pants, hair in pigtails, all metallic smiles. In the morning I had a routine; I'd listen to "Free" while I showered, then "Sugarhigh" while I dressed and flattened my hair via winter cap (which I wore over wet head til the song ended to officially de-Jew my dykey haircut). Maybe it was a reaction to grunge, too: whining didn't work, maybe RuPaul and "It's a Sunshine Day" will?

9: 15/Into Boys With Long Hair *Surprise*/Lemonheads: Come on Feel the Lemonheads

(runners up: Heavenly/The Decline and Fall of Heavenly, Cake/Fashion Nugget)

I spent a lot of time listening to other people's love songs. "Marie! Listen to this, this's my song for Jason! This's my song for Andrew! This's my song for Brad!" (they were always named Jason, Brad, Andrew), and so I listened. I thought, I'd like this to be my song for someone someday. Like Evan Dando. Or Andrew.

8: 16/Fag Hag/RENT Sountrack

(runners up: Ani DiFranco/Living in Clip, Jeff Buckley/Grace)

Seriously, this list has been nothing but completely embarrassing thus far. I should throw in something to make me sound smart, like ... what do the kids listen to? I feel like band names these days are so long. Like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! or whatever. That's lame. Pick something short and sweet, like "Heart" or "Sex Pistols" or "Nas."

I performed this album on long drives, to-from Interlochen. We sang it there, too, all the time, especially 'Take me or Leave Me,' because it was fresh enough for obsession, we all wanted to be in NYC, and I was surrounded by homosexuals and theater majors. My gay best friend Ryan liked to give me lap dances to "Tomorrow for Me," which was one of many special sexual things about our relationship. We went to Detroit to see the touring company, but they were bad, but I've seen it twice in NYC, and it made me cry/dance/think I was part of something special here in New York City! Now, it's like, vintage.

7: 17/Happy/Lauryn Hill: The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

(runners up: Belle & Sebastian/If You're Feeling Sinister, Ella Fitzgerald/The Complete Songbooks)

This is one of the best albums of all time, and us cool white kids crooned along to it like we were about to give birth to our own baby Zions and agreed that it's silly when girls sell their soul because it's in, and, seriously, how could this be love and make me feel so bad? Everything was good then, I had it all, and I didn't need music that spoke to the deep pain of my soul. I just wanted to dance. That remake of "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" puts the "Soul" back in "R&B/Hip-Hop/Soul."

6: 19/Havin' All Kinds of Trouble Trouble Trouble/Moby: Play

(recent conversation:)

Me: You know, I used to masturbate to this album.
Her: No wonder it took you thirty minutes to have an orgasm.

In '00-'01, I bounced from doctor to doctor. I guess Moby seemed as good as anything, but mostly what I listened to that year was what my brilliant musician friend Jake told me to listen to: Ida, Low, Nick Cave, Sea & Cake, His Name is Alive, The Magnetic Fields, Flashpapr, Saturday Looks Good to Me. I'd take long walks because I wasn't allowed to exercise 'til the doctors could figure out what was wrong with me. Walking hurt too, but it hurt less than not moving at all.

I liked that I listened to music no one else listened to, I liked Ida, they sounded like butterflies. I'd go to shows but if we had to stand and I stood for too long, my knees would start aching and I'd get sad again, antsy, wish I could focus or knew where my pain came from or what to do with it.

But none of that indie music was really appropriate for aforementioned activity.
Wasn't there a Moby song in like, every movie and commercial that came out that year?

5: 20/Wanting to Please/Love or Piss Off My Boyfriend, Depending

Unwritten Law:Unwritten Law or Indigo Girls:Become You
(runners up: Blink 182/Enema of the State, Melissa Ferrick/Freedom)

At concerts, Chris'd wrap his arms around me: Hey little girl, look what you do, hey little girl, I love you. Unwritten Law was earnest, but older than the other bands we liked, and the lead singer'd get drunk and take off his shirt and make it harder like he meant it, like the music was driving him crazy loud too, and "Kailin" was so especially sweet amidst all the screaming. I liked the idea that I was "doing" something, because I wasn't doing much of anything, really, besides taking the dog out to pee though it often peed on our carpet and kept fucking the stuffed animals Chris'd won me at various carnival games [really, our lives were exciting].

One summer Chris and I lived with like, ten lesbians who all played lesbionic sports like rugby or fencing--one of 'em was a good friend of mine from middle school, that's how I'd ended up there in the first place. She invited me to the Indigo Girls concert, and since I've been to *cough* like one hundred of them, I obvs was like "THERE." I couldn't beleive they'd put out a new album and I hadn't even noticed, and this is the gayest thing I've ever said in my life, but I think that night really changed things for me. I started listening to the album all the time to annoy him. Boys hate The Indigo Girls. That night on the grass, I watched all these SuperQueer girls dance around and I remembered there was a part of myself that Chris would never understand: not the gay part, but just that he didn't want to Understand anything about me that he couldn't relate to, nothing at all.

'Cause look, I effin love the Indigo Girls. I was raised listening to The Indigo Girls, they were one of my first concerts. My Mom took me. Also, coincidentally, my Mom is gay.

4: 22/Knee Deep in One of Those Up-and-Down Love-Things
Fiona Apple:When the Pawn and Outkast:Speakerboxx/The Love Below

"Spearboxx/The Love Below" came out on my birthday in 2003. It reminds me of dancing with college kids at U-Mich, of thumping hip-hop reverberating in the overpriced cars cruising South University, of music videos funner than cartoons. For a while, everyone loved "Hey Ya!" Everyone. It seemed like the most popular song on earth. We'd yell to the line cooks @ work: How cold is it? ICE COLD!

OK So: you know when you're in one of those bad psuedo-relationships and it's gotten really bad, really unfair as in you've just uncovered Serious Lies, and you know: The worst possible thing I could do for myself right now would be to go over to his place, and then he's like "Come over," and you're like: "Okay, see you in ten minutes!"

So: one of those times, one of the worst, I zoomed, blaring Fiona Apple to remind myself that hunger hurts and I want him so bad, oh it kills, 'cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up, I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold, hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love....

Scot: I want to play a song for you. This is my song for you. [He said that all the time, but he was really intent this time.]

The Song:
You're all I ever wanted
but I'm terrified of you
My castle may be haunted/but I'm terrified of you
I've cast my spell on millions
but I'm terrified of you
Baby I do this from the ceiling but I'm terrified of you
I wait my whole life to find the right one
then you come along and that freaks me out.
-Outkast, Dracula's Wedding

Awesome. Fear.

But Scot taught me how to listen to music. You know, just lie there and listen, like it's a real activity? We'd drink store-brand cola from his Aunt's garage, he clearly lived at home because he was sort of a teenager, and we'd lie there under his tapestry, and listen. I'd feel super young and alive and sexy all over, like my whole life was ahead of me, endless and set to music. Derrick May, Beastie Boys, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, Basement Jaaxx, Aphex Twin, Tom Waits, Coldplay, George Harrison, Roy Ayers. He took me out to Detroit--his brother was a DJ--and showed me the turntables and did some "mixes" or whatever it is DJs do, and then I kinda like, fell in love with him again, it was Bad News.

I always date musically oriented people [except aforementioned Chris], I think. I have. A. Problem. I see someone make music and I think they are Magic.

He invaded my earspace, he took over so I couldn't live or breathe without thinking of him (except when I was listening to Fiona). He made me CDs and left them everywhere. In my car, literally dozens. In one of my better moments, I drove by his house and threw them on his lawn.

We started dating right when itunes came out, and he was the first of many ex-whathaveyous to have created their own playlists on my computer, and I keep them all, because,well, I keep everything.

Our relationship from start to finish was wrapped up in music, moreso than any before or since or probably ever. He wrote me songs.

Fiona speaks for herself. I was angry, so was she, we sang together in my Lexus and drove to the gym, the bank, the Macaroni Grill, the strip malls, his place, and back again. Easy as that. Waaa Waa GRRR.

3: 22/Alone & Fierce and Happy About It/Damien Rice: O
(runners up: Fiest/Let it Die, K's Choice/Paradise in Me)

I think I've talked about this before. But if you've seen it, you know; when you walk out of Closer, you know for sure there's no more love in the world and all relationships fail. And then, again, when The L Word, Season One, came to it's sad sad end: and so it is. I listened to that and Not an Addict over and over in cabs, drunk or coked up and coming down, electrified and miserable/thrilled. I'd stopped living for anyone but myself, and that meant being Alone but fierce and vicious and optimistic/destructive about it. Plus, I'd just gotten an ipod.

2: 23-24/iTunes?

Imogen Heap, Regina Spektor, Kelly Clarkson, Dolly Parton, Scissor Sisters, Poe, Tears for Fears, Rilo Kiley, Bright Eyes, Patti Smith, Christina Alguilera, The Decemberists, Shivaree, Jeff Buckley, Madonna, Radiohead, Esthero, Rufus Wainwright, Jill Sobule, The Shins, The Roots, The Streets, Phoenix, Frou Frou, The Postal Service, Peaches, Ani DiFranco, Sia, Martin Sexton, Portishead, Massive Attack, Depeche Mode, David Bowie, etc etc etc.

Suddenly life became all about iPods, mixes, playlists, downloading songs one at a time, sending songs via iChat, and really not listening to albums with other people like we used to. But we've got no more cars. I'm trying to think of what album best typifies those two years when my life became what it is now. What I could say that'd encompass all of it? The mix-CDs we've made? Haviland singing "Jolene" (Dolly Parton)? Dancing w/whomever to "S.O.S" (Rhianna), "Irreplacable" obvs (Beyonce), "Since U Been Gone" (K.Clarkson), Erin's mixes with Johnny Cash and Jenny Lewis and Ryan Adams, "The L Word" soundtracked songs, the "party party party" playlist Lo & I listened to in the mornings ...

... the only entire albums I can associate with anything that's happened outside of my own earbuds since '03 is Kanye West's "School Spirit," and, um, also, Hav & I really dug the Paris Hilton album. That album was underrated, and you guys can be haters, I don't care, I hate you too.

1: 25/Right Now
Tegan & Sara/The Con, Stars/Set Yourself on Fire

From the August 2007 issue of NYLON magazine:

"I've always called myself a past-addict.
I am always writing about the past and reliving my older relationships but there is also something
really dangerous and kind of terrifying about exploring how you're feeling right now."
-Tegan of Tegan & Sara