Monday, July 28, 2008

auto-world sure was fun, i wish it still existed, it could be our fun of the day 7-28-2008

It's already 3:21 A.M. ... I'm slightly stoned/sleepy and the screen sometimes looks like it's 3-D with pixels of red changing colors in dots. I just ate a granola bar but I put it in a sandwich bag first to make it easier to deal with crumbs. I have a lot of crumbs in my life. Metaphorically.

It's 3:37 AM. (I wrote "I'm 3:37 A.M." first) I wish I had another granola bar. I'm editing this movie for Broadway World and learning how to use Final Cut at the same time. When I'm editing something, I get really into it like almost nothing else I do. Between November 1994 (when The Sads became The Darkness) and October 1999 (when I became Happy), I edited videos compulsively to fill the fat loitering hours, it was the only thing that could distract me or absorb me. I don't know if I'm happy or sad right now. I think I'm happy.

I think it's a nice break to do something more technical, nice to deal with bounds when I'm used to writing for a willing audience, which's so ... well ... boundless. !!!

But I think I'm also behind on things like um ... for real, I really am going to comment about those um, comments and respond to some emails y'all wrote me. Basically at this point it's gonna have to be The Iliad of Comment Responses to justify the wait. Or like; The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, which took Diaz 11 years to write and omg speaking of -- book club is NOW people. NOW. You don't have to answer any of my questions, FYI. I just rambled per ush. What day is it?

Did anyone else think last week's rumble was really meta though? I mean, it's not often that a theory I present in a post evolves into a full-fledged hypothesis without me even changing its content. The Science Fair hypothesis: "It's not a good idea for Autowin to meet people from the internets."

Results: Clearly ... TRUE!

On a totally unrelated note, one of my least favorite things about blogging is this: though it may not seem this way, I hold back a LOT OF STUFF. Though certain weirdos have liked to accuse me of having no self-censorship or withholding abilities, that's absolutely not the case, as any long-time readers are very well aware. I'm fully capable of blithely sporting a swimsuit in the middle of a snowstorm and pretending I'm audio-captured by my iPod when my friends/readers ask me if I'm cold.

I learned all about how to hold back -- both w/r/t information and spiritual virginity -- during my many years as a high-class prostitute. That's not the point though -- the point is ... it really fucking pisses me off when people who've really established some pretty fan-fucking-tastic narratives within my life go off at me for saying ... absolutely nothing whatsoever about any of it.

Why don't I say anything?
1. 'Cause 99% of people are good. For example -- "that woman" is a good, inquisitive, talented and sensitive person with a good heart and ultimately good intentions.
2. I try not to waste my time with unnecessary drama when I could be playing with tweezers or tinkerbell.
3. It's totally unfair since most of the people who read this will probs take my side even if I'm wrong, so it's mean to present anything that could have two sides.
4. 'Cause I'm scared of opening up a can of worms and inside it will be all the gross ugly things about me, stories about how terrible I am too (which are usually misinterpretations, clearly).
4a. However, sometimes I just gotta say that honesty can be a real bitch but bitches can be even bitchier.

I mean ... me? Really? I try really fucking hard not to hurt people here, or be immature. I don't talk shit about people or identify people and say shit I shouldn't say about them -- arguably I did this once ... (the supreme court will get back to me on this particular misstep/miscommunication eventually). ONCE. MAYBE. (And also that one time that I wrote stuff and deleted it the next morning for real, though in my defense it wasn't worse than what'd been said about me) (I'm starting to feel like the existence of this paragraph might be countering my point, which I think is meta, but maybe isn't, I'm not that smart).

So why assume that I'm doing it this time? I don't know. Statistics would suggest it's not likely. So whatevs, if someone gets hit by lightning or wins the lottery today, then we can talk.

I mean -- I'm doing this -- being direct instead of having a passive pity party. So who knows what could happen next!!?!? LOLKATS? Maybe I'll publish my complaint letters to my friendish-peoples to my brother's blog about complaint letters to companies: me to the man.

Wow! I hadn't even thought about that stuff in like five days. Now it's all out of my system and I can get back to things that matter. Here's some auto-fun for snack.
Quote: "He who has a pact with aloneness can even now prepare for all of this ... embrace your solitude and love it. Endure the pain it causes, and try to sing out with it. For those near to you are distant, you say. That shows it is beginning to dawn around you; there is an expanse opening about you. And when your nearness becomes distant, then you have already expanded far: to being among the stars. Your horizon has widened greatly. Rejoice in your growth. No one can join you in that." (from Rilke's "Fourth Letter" from Letters to a Young Poet)

1. nerve's design issue includes "dating advice from graphic designers" , a Stefan Sagmeister interview: "A Very, Very Graphic designer," ( and a piece on the evolution of limosine design and our wildest dreams; "it seats about twenty." (
2. on the stage, no more mr. tough guy (@the nytimes)
3. elitism is not a dirty word: "Categorizing 'the best' isn't confined to art; it plays out in sports, cinema, pop music and beyond." (@the la times)
4. teenagers who prefer to read online -- is it really reading ? (@nytimes) and lost for words: "[the uk] spends more on books than any nation in europe, but many haven't read one in the past year." (
5. global input requested holler australia - publishers fight against imported books (@the australian)
6. in which you look like you're losing a piece of your soul: "waitress" (@this recording)
7. stef's note: "I always wanted Bette Porter to explain art to me." -- jennifer beals' top five favorite photography books, in which i am not in love but open to persuasion (also @this recording)
8. blogging is ruled by grubby stupid boys (@gawker)
9. ira glass and bob discuss the angry commenter/newspaper comments debate: "comments on comments" (@npr's on the media)
10. the long island railroad is new york's lifeline in the summer -- a fleet of rescue vehicles destined for the beach ... a report from every station down the line: "the 11:11 to Penn Station" (@the morning news)
11. novel thinking: "creative writing is as popular today as critical theory was a decade ago, how does it fit in with the study of english literature?" (@times higher education uk)
12. katy perry ("i kissed a girl") actually answers ten entire questions. (@the village voice)


Anonymous said...

I like editing for a similar reason. The story/essay/poem/journal is there, contained. And there are sets of rules. Then I apply the rules that I adore oh so much to writing I perhaps don't adore oh so much and that makes it a little better and then I feel a little better.

Loz,o David James said...

The statement, "99 percent of people are good," can clearly only be said by someone who never leaves their home.

Adam said...

re: 7 - The Anniversary Party. nuff said.

re: 11 - on a practical level, I've been seduced by critical theory junkies, and I've been pounced upon by poets (I've even twice been blinded with library-science), and I think this is a good development.

Critical theorists are like pancakes, all exciting at first, but by the end you're just sick of them (thank you, M.H.)

Writers, on the other hand, are like sex. Even when they're bad, they're still pretty good.

Less theory, more angsty zines. I approve.

jack said...

I used to do this thing a couple years ago, when I was doing another weird thing called Dating, where I would spew out and stack up all the crucially important things about me someone would need to know before considering to continue dating me. The disclaimers, the qualifiers. Like: "I can only cuddle for ten minutes at night, then I need my own space to sleep in." Or: "Most of my exes accuse me of being selfish, so apparently I'm selfish, and I'm okay with that, and you'll have to be okay with it too if you want to see me again."

I thought it was the right/good thing to do-- get it all out there so there wouldn't be any chance for backlash if the dating turned into more. None of those women could have come back to me, months down the road, and said: "You never warned me about ________." It was a proverbial coat of armor; a completely stacked defense mechanism.

I'm still not sure why I did that, and I'm obviously not sure why I felt compelled to share that now, but the whole holding back thing, I get that, especially in blogworld. Honesty & unveiling can be so one-sided, and the fact is, unless you are the most trusting/gullible person EVER, you never truly know what's real and what's not. That's the charm of reading/writing/laying out disclaimers. You get on the ride/word to see if it's true.

(Sometimes I'm not even sure what's real in my own head; the only foreseeable kickback of having a terribly active imagination, I guess.)

eric mathew said...

that rumble was really intense. I kept reading and reading it was heating up more than when Susan called Rich a snake on the first Survivor. AH!

I kind of have a love/ hate relationship with FCP. Usually editing always leaves me yelling at a computer screen because something is just not going right... but when it does I agree it is awkwardly very soothing. Oh Apple products. I think I am going to learn Avid, so I can further get annoyed.

I am finally not hungover. Friday was insane. I'm just saying 22 ounce margaritas are a bad thing...

p.s. was it a nature valley granola bar... because i love them. like a lot.

caitlin said...

i hate katy perry, although i do love the remix of her song. reminds me of spinnaker for reals. i can't wait for flirt!! good job grasshopper. i miss you!

Coffee Stained said...

I was in Europe when the book club started! Is there a list of books? Or deadlines? I read anyway.. might as well talk about it too!

autumn m said...

99 percent of people a good, until they are not around you anymore, then they turn into evil beast with fangs. well at least thats how it is in kansas. and about holding things back, i totally get it. not wanting to say or do something that could be used against you later. it gives people ammunition against you. not even my closest friends know me. they think they know eveything about me, and i let them think this. but in truth, no one knows really who i am. i keep it locked up for safe keeping. i have this thing about getting drunk, i dont do it. when i drink, i make a mental note to stop. i have this fear of drinking to much, and telling secrets. which would be REAL bad. so i dont. i never put myself in situations where i might say something. i dont lie about anything, i just dont tell alot. i am a deciever. this is what i do.

basia said...

you don't really give up all that much of yourself here. at all. and even less when it comes to others. if one looks close enough, it's not difficult to see that your writing is meticulous in the lack of certain details, details specifically and carefully omitted. reading you always leaves me with questions about what's underneath the surface, which is why i never skip the comments. that's really the place you can sometimes get brief, fleeting glimpses and hints of the underneath, and if you put those together, maybe figure out 1/17th of what's really going on... i've been reading you for 18 months (on and off - but i always go back and catch up on every word), and i find that as time has gone by, you are giving up less and less. at times, it all gets almost unbearably veiled... which is ok, this is your thing-blog, but for a long term reader like myself, it's a little disappointing... so what's the point of what i'm saying? basically - no matter how much or little you reveal, for some it'll always be too little while for some it'll be too much. ie. someone somewhere will always be pissed off, inevitably, so like, rock on and up theirs. and if you think it's demanding of people like myself to say things like "gimme gimme more, it's britney bitch!", then up mine too. because in the end, this is your ART. and the best art, i feel, is not about the audience but about the creation - if the audience starts invading that act of creation, then the whole process loses its purity. and i think that's something worthy of holding on to.

riese said...

burningsteady: I find I don't like editing writing so much -- I think it's 'cause by the time I get there, I'm sick of it. But editing videos is easy, I guess 'cause it's not really my heart I'm proofing, but images and sounds.

Loz,o David James: Can I call you "comma" now that you added that camma between "z" and "o"?

Adam: I love the anniversary party. That was my first exposure to J-Beals, too.

i feel like writers are like sex too, but differently -- when they're bad, they're REALLY bad. As for criticism ... boring is boring is boring.

Jack: I do that too. I did it with my apartment search too -- put it all out there ("I work at home, I've got no paystub, I work long hours and I'm up all night and i Have a girlfriend and she'll be sleeping over and I like loud music") to ensure everyone knew what they were signing up for. i guess maybe I lied when I said I was fun to hang out with.

I think what you describe is pretty much what I do with everything -- I guess that's why meeting blog people generally feels easier, 'cause they already know about all my weaknesses. But I guess still there's an expectation -- maybe not of me, but of the connection itself -- that I don't always live up to. Maybe that thing is that they don't realize even though I've been honest about all my failures as a person, I haven't always been honest about what exactly my life is composed of. (holler to that preposition)

(I don't think anything is real in my head, or in life. The journey is all.)

eric mathew: I know right, especially because when Susan called Rich a snake, everyone was like "wtf are you talking about, weirdo?" I started yelling last night at FCP because it wouldn't snap right, and I feel like I'm rendering every one minute ... omg.

Obvs it was Nature's Valley. peanut Butter.

Caitlin: I know I love anything within the context of the spinnaker. I miss you get better now!

Coffee Stained: We just read "The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" but the next book is still up for grabs ... feel free to suggest something you've always wanted to read ... it's on my to-do list ...

autumn m: I knew a girl from Kansas once and she was like that. Good until she wasn't around me anymore, and then fangs. I'm so paranoid about the fangs that it makes me scared to be around people. When I drink, I feel like it makes me better, like I should be telling my secrets. Like the more I have, the more likely my head will explode. But I don't lie either, withholding is better.Silence.

basia: Thanks for this comment for real, I found it very enlightening and I'd actually wondered if that's what people were thinking. It's funny 'cause we actually talked abotu that recently -- like me and Caitlin did -- and we were saying that I do give a lot more info in the comments, mostly 'cause I figure anyone who's reading comments are people with a vested interest, not prospective employers or deviant exes checking in to see what I'm up to.

And I think it's not so much that I hesitate to reveal things about myself -- but as my life becomes more and more intertwined with the complicated lives of the people around me, I find I hold back most often to protect them or to not hurt people. For a while i had nothing to lose and so I said everything ... maybe I have more to lose now. Also I felt really unbearably muzzled for a few months there by a number circumstances I might partially reveal one day, in code. So I don't know. I tend ot think the clues are there, to be pieced together usually. So maybe, the mystery is all, and the stories ... they'll come. And for me ... the audience itself is something worthy of holding on to.

eric mathew said...

Make sure the two green butons are both clicked on. Sometimes I unclick them and then I forget they are unclicked and get angry. I feel like you can learn FCP, but it is so much easier to just do trial and error.

i love the regular nature valley ones... my issue with them is even if you want to sound quiet with them you can't... it makes the loudest sound.

Adam said...

re: your latest twit

This is, sadly, not an isolated problem for mainstream journalists. There's been spirited discussion of how to deal with similar abuses by academic journals over on Brian Leiter's blog.

Admittedly, the problem is less pronounced since philosophy moves a lot more slowly than politics or pop culture, and so long delays don't devalue work as severely, but the the core problem is still there.

GILLY said...

I enjoy your feelings. I've never been a wordy mcwordson. (witty written banter not my strong suit) My charm is best exhibited in person soooo I am truly fascinated by introverts. I might even go as far as saying I love the challenge of pulling teeth to get anything out of a person. Obvs it's not just for sport, I sincerely love when people choose to share themselves at all, in whatever capacity.

I lurk because I do not have enough courage to "put myself out there" and I absolutly love that you do.

I am not a starfucker but I have to admit that I think I would like you if I met you. Just that.

That's why you win.

cao said...

so i really wanted to answer book club question/s....but right now a little busy with the worky work. i did finish the book weeks ago!