H & R Advice Column #3/VLOG #27: You've Got Feelings, We've Got Video

Hello friends & family, welcome to your audio-visual entertainment one-stop megashop of the world wide webbernets. This week, in honor of Haviland's East Coast presence and a busy few weeks, we bring you our Third Very Famous Advice Column as a VLOG. This is Part One, containing only 50% of your feelings/our answers. I've also transcribed the questions below -- though slightly paraphrased and condensed -- in a fuller form than what we read on video. We thought it'd be best to read/answer live on camera, and as I'm presently cutting & pasting said questions, I'm realizing ... um. Well, we skimmed. We did what we could do!

Anyhow, definitely watch the movie first, it's funnier that way and it's kinda okay. You know I'm telling the truth, because that? What just happened? See what I did there? That's not what I do.

Right ... that was actually be the first time in my entire life I've recommended visual entertainment over reading. I never, ever, ever do that. Obvs the secret about flying lesbians and the video Papi sent us from her cave are in the video.

Tune in to find out how to be a bisexual, have a climax, and overcome your addiction to sex with pineapples.

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Dear H&R,

If you'd told me four years ago I'd ever fall for a girl, I'd have laughed in your face -- all my relationships were with boys. My senior year of high school I had a drunken makeout with my best friend -- a girl -- and while hammered we made out a few more times that summer, but it was always innocent. Now we remember it as wild, reeling with our impending independence, fundamentally ridiculous, etc. I went to college and dated boys, did bad things, and eventually met a boy I thought was the one. When we broke up two years later, we didn't stay friends 'cause we'd been such assholes during the breakup.

Senior year of college I was heartbroken & alcoholic, trying to have fun. Then I met a girl. We were both straight but we started having weird feelings we'd never had for a girl before and eventually (drunk of course) we finally made out. We freaked out, decided it was a mistake ... and we failed future attempts to not talk or just be platonic when we did. We didn't know what we were doing, so we drank a lot and said "fuck it, let's give it a shot." We tried to keep it casual, "Papi Doesn't Do Breakfast," etc., but when we were sober (an increasingly frequent state) it got really relationship-y. We'd freak out. WTF OMG. Why am I in love with a girl. Dated on and off for about a year but ultimately she was uncomfortable about being with a girl forevs, due to her traditional family. It's been mostly a surprisingly amicable/healthy break-up. We love each other but know it's not right.

We both date boys now. When my gaymo friends take me to the bar, I don't look at anyone. Am I just attracted to straight girls? Are there any other weirdos out there like me? Is it possible to just go gay for one person? I've always considered myself a Kinsey 5, but then there's that year-long aberration ... am I not being open-minded enough?

Also ... since I've never had an ex-girlfriend before ... we're both affectionate still. Haven't entirely adjusted to the "just friends" thing. I don't think we want anything to happen, but we do non-sexy cuddling that I don't do w/my other female friends. Is that weird? How do you stay "just friends" w/an ex w/o ever acting inappropriate? (i.e.. If they come to visit you from out of town are you supposed to make them sleep on the couch or floor to prevent non-sexy cuddling from happening while you're sleeping?) How do you and Haviland do it??

-Unable to Solve For Ex

[I'd like to add to the plethora of coverage in the vlog ... that anecdotally -- I feel stories like yours usually end up in one or the other or both going back to girls at some point, even if not permanently. Y'know, like in Brokeback Mountain and many popular lesbian romantic comedies. JK, no such thing, but in many books, movies and teevee shows, as well as amongst my friends. In fact, my personal story's not so different from yours, I guess. Ultimately my advice is ... it sounds to me like you're curious about what could happen if you let it ... and if you feel this lingering curiosity is preventing you from getting serious with a boy right now, then look at that and figure out what to do with it. If not, then just keep on living/loving/laughing and see what happens. It took me about six years to acclimate to the possibility myself -- and I come from a liberal town with a gay mom, went to art school, live in New York City, and have befriended a significant number of attractive gay female friends. I'd recommend you read Tipping the Velvet & A Woman Like That & Surface Tension and take The L Word 'What Character are You?" quiz on facebook.

So my friend, the world is your bisexual oyster. Eat it up/out.]

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[I realized we just assumed this was written by a woman, though I don't know why made that assumption. Hm. Unless I left something behind while paraphrasing.]

Dear H & R,

My girlfriend and I have the beginnings of a problem. Its a sex thing so if you consider that an inappropriate topic please stop reading and hit delete. I promise not to be offended.

For about two weeks it's been difficult for her to reach climax during sex. She wants sex, but it happens even when she's the initiator. It's not that she's physically unable, 'cause she eventually does, and it's less intense. It doesn't actually bother me, but it bothers her, like I'm waiting on her or something, and I don't wanna do that. She says there's nothing different she'd like to try and our relationship hasn't suffered yet.

But I feel a little inadquete even though she says it's not me and don't know what to do/say.

We've been together for almost 10 years, there's been no other recent changes in our lives, she's not cheating ..

Thanks,
Story of O

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Dear Riese and Haviland,

For many years, I have lived in fear. I have many, many demons that I am afraid to even speak of, for fear that once let loose upon the Internet, they will haunt me forever. But you two ladies seem very worldly and wise (and have great asses, too), so I think you can help me with my problems.

First and foremost, I have a problem with fruit. And it's not allergies, phobias or anything that simple. You see, I am uncontrollably attracted to fruit products, and I am unable to make it through a day without having sex with a piece of fruit.

You name it, I've boinked it . Watermelon, regular melon, grapes (sadly) and coconuts. Those were always the toughest, but hey, you don't go to Hawaii on vacation to not fuck a coconut, you know? Ha! LOL OMG!

But my addiction is out of control. I have to order Fresh Direct these days because grocery stores won't let me in anymore. If I walk past all that fruit, it's too much. Do you know what it's like to have security toss you outside with your pants down and you erection impaled on an apple? Of course you don't.

I've tried getting off fruit on my own, but it's just too hard. There's no patch for my addiction, so I tried to ween myself off fruit sex by wrapping my johnson in fruit roll-ups. Alas, it just heightens the excitement. I am at a complete loss.

Are there support groups? Clubs? I'm desperate here. If you can solve this problem for me, I'll let you know of my other deep, dark secrets.

OMG, LOL, LMAO, ROTFLMAO, OMFG, Whatevs,
Fruit Salad Jones

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You guys, the cruise leaves So soon! Yay!