Friday, July 11, 2008

H & R Advice Column #3/VLOG #27: You've Got Feelings, We've Got Video


Hello friends & family, welcome to your audio-visual entertainment one-stop megashop of the world wide webbernets. This week, in honor of Haviland's East Coast presence and a busy few weeks, we bring you our Third Very Famous Advice Column as a VLOG. This is Part One, containing only 50% of your feelings/our answers. I've also transcribed the questions below -- though slightly paraphrased and condensed -- in a fuller form than what we read on video. We thought it'd be best to read/answer live on camera, and as I'm presently cutting & pasting said questions, I'm realizing ... um. Well, we skimmed. We did what we could do!

Anyhow, definitely watch the movie first, it's funnier that way and it's kinda okay. You know I'm telling the truth, because that? What just happened? See what I did there? That's not what I do.

Right ... that was actually be the first time in my entire life I've recommended visual entertainment over reading. I never, ever, ever do that. Obvs the secret about flying lesbians and the video Papi sent us from her cave are in the video.

Tune in to find out how to be a bisexual, have a climax, and overcome your addiction to sex with pineapples.


Dear H&R,

If you'd told me four years ago I'd ever fall for a girl, I'd have laughed in your face -- all my relationships were with boys. My senior year of high school I had a drunken makeout with my best friend -- a girl -- and while hammered we made out a few more times that summer, but it was always innocent. Now we remember it as wild, reeling with our impending independence, fundamentally ridiculous, etc. I went to college and dated boys, did bad things, and eventually met a boy I thought was the one. When we broke up two years later, we didn't stay friends 'cause we'd been such assholes during the breakup.

Senior year of college I was heartbroken & alcoholic, trying to have fun. Then I met a girl. We were both straight but we started having weird feelings we'd never had for a girl before and eventually (drunk of course) we finally made out. We freaked out, decided it was a mistake ... and we failed future attempts to not talk or just be platonic when we did. We didn't know what we were doing, so we drank a lot and said "fuck it, let's give it a shot." We tried to keep it casual, "Papi Doesn't Do Breakfast," etc., but when we were sober (an increasingly frequent state) it got really relationship-y. We'd freak out. WTF OMG. Why am I in love with a girl. Dated on and off for about a year but ultimately she was uncomfortable about being with a girl forevs, due to her traditional family. It's been mostly a surprisingly amicable/healthy break-up. We love each other but know it's not right.

We both date boys now. When my gaymo friends take me to the bar, I don't look at anyone. Am I just attracted to straight girls? Are there any other weirdos out there like me? Is it possible to just go gay for one person? I've always considered myself a Kinsey 5, but then there's that year-long aberration ... am I not being open-minded enough?

Also ... since I've never had an ex-girlfriend before ... we're both affectionate still. Haven't entirely adjusted to the "just friends" thing. I don't think we want anything to happen, but we do non-sexy cuddling that I don't do w/my other female friends. Is that weird? How do you stay "just friends" w/an ex w/o ever acting inappropriate? (i.e.. If they come to visit you from out of town are you supposed to make them sleep on the couch or floor to prevent non-sexy cuddling from happening while you're sleeping?) How do you and Haviland do it??

-Unable to Solve For Ex

[I'd like to add to the plethora of coverage in the vlog ... that anecdotally -- I feel stories like yours usually end up in one or the other or both going back to girls at some point, even if not permanently. Y'know, like in Brokeback Mountain and many popular lesbian romantic comedies. JK, no such thing, but in many books, movies and teevee shows, as well as amongst my friends. In fact, my personal story's not so different from yours, I guess. Ultimately my advice is ... it sounds to me like you're curious about what could happen if you let it ... and if you feel this lingering curiosity is preventing you from getting serious with a boy right now, then look at that and figure out what to do with it. If not, then just keep on living/loving/laughing and see what happens. It took me about six years to acclimate to the possibility myself -- and I come from a liberal town with a gay mom, went to art school, live in New York City, and have befriended a significant number of attractive gay female friends. I'd recommend you read Tipping the Velvet & A Woman Like That & Surface Tension and take The L Word 'What Character are You?" quiz on facebook.

So my friend, the world is your bisexual oyster. Eat it up/out.]


[I realized we just assumed this was written by a woman, though I don't know why made that assumption. Hm. Unless I left something behind while paraphrasing.]

Dear H & R,

My girlfriend and I have the beginnings of a problem. Its a sex thing so if you consider that an inappropriate topic please stop reading and hit delete. I promise not to be offended.

For about two weeks it's been difficult for her to reach climax during sex. She wants sex, but it happens even when she's the initiator. It's not that she's physically unable, 'cause she eventually does, and it's less intense. It doesn't actually bother me, but it bothers her, like I'm waiting on her or something, and I don't wanna do that. She says there's nothing different she'd like to try and our relationship hasn't suffered yet.

But I feel a little inadquete even though she says it's not me and don't know what to do/say.

We've been together for almost 10 years, there's been no other recent changes in our lives, she's not cheating ..

Thanks,
Story of O

Dear Riese and Haviland,

For many years, I have lived in fear. I have many, many demons that I am afraid to even speak of, for fear that once let loose upon the Internet, they will haunt me forever. But you two ladies seem very worldly and wise (and have great asses, too), so I think you can help me with my problems.

First and foremost, I have a problem with fruit. And it's not allergies, phobias or anything that simple. You see, I am uncontrollably attracted to fruit products, and I am unable to make it through a day without having sex with a piece of fruit.

You name it, I've boinked it . Watermelon, regular melon, grapes (sadly) and coconuts. Those were always the toughest, but hey, you don't go to Hawaii on vacation to not fuck a coconut, you know? Ha! LOL OMG!

But my addiction is out of control. I have to order Fresh Direct these days because grocery stores won't let me in anymore. If I walk past all that fruit, it's too much. Do you know what it's like to have security toss you outside with your pants down and you erection impaled on an apple? Of course you don't.

I've tried getting off fruit on my own, but it's just too hard. There's no patch for my addiction, so I tried to ween myself off fruit sex by wrapping my johnson in fruit roll-ups. Alas, it just heightens the excitement. I am at a complete loss.

Are there support groups? Clubs? I'm desperate here. If you can solve this problem for me, I'll let you know of my other deep, dark secrets.

OMG, LOL, LMAO, ROTFLMAO, OMFG, Whatevs,
Fruit Salad Jones

You guys, the cruise leaves So soon! Yay!

25 comments:

supr said...

im happy to see youve re-acclimated yourself with imagine me and you since leaving those characters off of your 20 favorite fictional lesbians list. great job with the vlog/advice, brightens up any day.

A. said...

I was going to stop the vlog, and then post how ridiculous Haviland's jacket/blazer/picnic blanket is but then it grew on me and I now adore it.
You two are fantastic!

Mercury said...

Lozo totally misspelled "Wean." WTG team!

And RE: being close friends with exes or ex-almosts or whatever you want to call it, it's cool! been there, done that.

carlytron said...

Hilars as always, and really great editing Riese!!

Re: pullout couch ... LOLing for reeeeealsss.

Adam said...

I was all 'dub tee eff' at so much of the vLog focusing on one question, and bonus dub tee eff at outing Lozo, who came to you anonymously with a serious and personal issue. srsly. Loz has a lot of feelings too, you guys.

Then I got to your answer to O, esp. the red alert, and I was too busy spitting coffee on the keyboard to be upset.

I just want to stress that they're not only still having sex after 10 years, they're still having enough sex that they can notice a change over 'a couple weeks'.

That's just wack.

Julia said...

Damn this. I was super stoked for the new advise column, only now I'm in a hotel & can't watch it.

ALSO, Maggie Gyllenhaal name-dropped The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao in an USA Today interview. And I should have asked you guys for advise before heading off to my cousin's wedding. Right now, my biggest motivation for getting through the day is the open bar.

Dave Lozo said...

yeah, what's up with naming me in this? perhaps i signed it anonymously for a reason. thanks a ton.

eric mathew said...

hey x3.

well this was really extreme. like for serious, when the montage of great female make out scenes from semi trashy shows came on, i was like wow riese, i'm really proud. but for serious i loved alex on the oc. she was just so smokin' hot and did not deserve marissa... like at all.

i never realized how sexual lozo was, but i think your advice helped him out... hopefully.

i am actually allergic to apples. i know how is allergic to apples?? it is so annoying, because it was my favorite fruit and now it was ripped out of my life... very sad.

anyway wonderful job on the editing. you are both hot... was that a margarita in your hand? i turn 21 in 14 days. holy shit, thank g-d.

have an effing amazing time on the cruise (like you won't) tell ro i say hello. keep an eye on tinkerbell, she could go crazy at the disco at night... just saying, it is her first time.

green said...

hey you know what? i could watch you and hav fluff your hair/apply and remove sunglasses/pout your lips for hours and hours.

seriously.

does this make me creepy? meh.

great vlog! thanks! :D

dani said...

the advice vlog is the highlight of my week..so good, so funny.the editing is great and you both just rock. i la-la-love it!!!
and i love that you're also a sunglasses-freak...anyway...
get some auto-sunglasses for your store.

Adam said...

julia: I used to have sex with Maggie Gyllenhaal. She's a self-worshipping twat now that she's famous, but back in the day I dumped her. You'll hear me bring this up a lot, but not quite enough to call me on it because I can walk that line.

(oh come on...someone had to do it)

stef said...

great advice, great soundtrack, great hair, two thumbs up all around. i have many feelings about question #1 - quit worrying about labels. labels are for uhh fruits in the produce section. ask lozo about them. i used to know this girl who was allergic to honeydew melon.

i bet if you mail photos of you two making out to members of her very traditional family, this cuddling problem will go away very quickly.

O said...

O is definitely a woman.

That is all.

caitlin said...

ok many feelings about this. melissa etheridge twice in a week has done nothing for my control over my emotions. i loved the caitlin clap inclusion. adam, as the official auto-win comment contest judge, you win the next award, hands down totes. riese, excellent editing, hav, excellent jacket. can't wait for the next installment, i have NO IDEA what it could include.

riese said...

supr: Yes, what I can't do in this life I try to make up for in my after-life. Obvs.

a.: It grew on me too. Although, as her platonic best friend, clearly the growth had nothing to do with The Cleave.

mercury: I know! Maybe that's why he's upset that I outed him. When I read it out loud I mouthed off about the typo, but decided in such a serious sitch, it's best to be kind and left it out.

carlytron: (thanks!) Or should we say "the couch formerly known as a pull-out"?

adam: Yeah I know Lozo has a lot of feelings, try telling that to the mangos that once lived happily in my refrigerator. I made the same point even before getting to the 10 years part -- like "omg, they must be having sex every day if they notice a change in two weeks." Really by the time I got to "10 years," O was already my hero and I could no longer provide anything resembling expertise.

julia: What kind of hotel is this? Also, I fully support the motivation of open bar.
I have all kinds of special connections to Maggie G. (like that she was on the cover of a marie claire i was in, ppl have asked me if i know I look like her, which is false/random ... and other things), so reading that was a WOC moment.

dave lozo: You'll thank me when Mrs. Potato Head calls you later and asks if you'd be interested in trying vegetables.

eric mathew: hey hey hey! Alex/Olivia Wilde was smokin' hot, and even crazier is the plethora of fansites devoted to these brief lesbian couplehoods.
I feel like being allergic to apples is the second strange allergy you've revealed, but I don't remember what the first one was. I'm allergic to tomatos if that helps.
That was a margarita. But as my first and only drink of the day, obvs there was no affect and I didn't get wild per ush.

green: You're welcome! And no, not creepy at all. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's the kind of response we're going for. 95% sure. I think if we get some Lip Venom and more sunglasses, we're pretty much one step away from a guest spot on Exes and Ohs.

dani: Thanksssss!!! OOO I wonder what auto-sunglasses would look like. (vega, speaking of topping, get on that)

adam: (See, and because you said it before I could, that person doesn't have to be mememememememe.) Oh, the way we were!

stef: I wish "uhh fruit" was a real kind of fruit. Is it? Is it like a pomogranate?
I'm gonna start saying I'm allergic to honeydew melon, 'cause I hate it. haviland always eats mine for me, 'cause I think they dole it out too freely, like overrun fruit salads with it.

o: Okay, this leads me to believe that you are either:
1. O
2. O's girlfriend.

And if you are 1 Or 2, you are our sexual heroes. Srsly. We're not being sarcastic about being proud of you, that's effin incredible that you're still getting busy that often after all this time, I literally do not know any other couples like that.

If you are "O": On the cutting room floor is our discussion of the fact that you've probs already fixed the problem by this point since it took us two weeks to get to it. Have you? If not, I think that: 1. you shouldn't stress about the other person taking longer -- it really doesn't matter to the other person, srsly, just have a good time (trust me I know) There is too much emphasis on climaxing, and when you love someone I think it's really really really okay ... it's pretty incredible that both of you have been this good at it for this long.
2. If it really is a super sudden and radical departure from the last ten years, then probs you should see a doctor -- not 'cause it matters that she can't climax as easily, but 'cause it could be a sign of a hormonal problem, or stress/depression.
3. And srsly ... it's really fucking awesome, whatever you're doing to make it this far. So don't be so hard on yourself. Leave that to us. :-)

riese said...

caitlin: Just wanted to point out that we commented at the same time. I think Melissa Etheridge should write a song for us about accidental mind-melding via cyber/mobile space. I have so many feelings, best expressed by clapping rapidly right now. Wheeeeee!

a;ex said...

*rapid Cait-clapping* ooo! This is my fave vlog of all times! (Which may or may not have anything to do with all the clips of girls making out.)

Way to rappresent the bisexuals! Go baby go!

I love Tinkerbell!

O said...

Riese: We're good now.

There were some things going on that I didn't realize were going on.

jenn said...

I agree with green and after the 3rd hair toss it was just giggle funny!

I kind of agree with all the advise (lezzer not bi perspec) and funnily enuf i have had most of the the probs!! scary!

dave lozo rocks-ish, and i always find a peach very friendly if not very peachy dude!!

MLissa said...

I don't often comment, but I have to place my vote on this one for vlog of the year. Seriously. Hysterial. I also love how neither of you can settle on a hairstyle, and really, why should you?

Also, what's with hotel livin? I'm at one also.

Haviland Stillwell said...

hiiiiii everyone!

ok, real quick for now:
1. o, srsly you are amazing and i'm glad it's all good now.

2. we're fully hoping for lots of enjoyment with our hair and make-up, and pouty lips. it's like playing dress-up all day long when you're with H&R.

3. You're all precious and deserve loads of rapid applause.

Annie said...

that video sure was fi, fie, fo fun for me...

caitlinmae said...

yay yay team vlog! yay for haviland cameo! and seconded on carly's editing yay- I think this may be the best vlog thus far!

I bought and read oscar wao in two mornings at work. I was just trying to catch up for the next book club meeting and got a little overzealous. Are you leaving for the cruise before the Junot Diaz event at summerstage this thurs? I've recruited a small posse to attend (who've all taken my copy of the book to speedread before the event.)

so to sum up- yay!

The Brooklyn Boy said...

This Couch tries to avoid the pull-out.

Ric said...

this was my first advice vlog! amazing! love you girls and the paige and alex clips. I live in toronto and i'm trying to get a PA position on the set of degrassi. on my last interview I met Deanna Casaluce very briefly. sweet girl, but she's not on the show anymore!! :(
PS where can I send in a letter?