Friday, May 02, 2008

Mark All As Auto-Read

I have 454 unread items on my Google Reader, it's probs like how the pioneers felt in 1752 returning from their Oregon Trail vaycay to a huge stack of unanswered telegrams. I can attribute 41 of these unread posts to Stef's shared items and 48 to mediabistro, but still.

It's kinda funny 'cause, like I said, two weeks ago I'd been writing a post about taking a break from blogging but I never finished/posted it, and then the real world kept shifting, like going through stages, 1. mean & tragic & unpredictable, 2. lonely, unhinging, unstable, 3. sunshiney & safe & sad/optimistic, 4. unreal, 5. the yet to be defined but hopeful present. So before I knew it, I'd taken a break from blogging by accident, like sometimes I'd forget I had a blog at all, though strangely I never forgot facebook. Probs 'cause facebook is HOW I REALLY FEEL.

Beautiful things have happened too, and I feel I've gained back some people I didn't have a few weeks ago, and, well, oh, the internets ... is a lot ... this has been known to happen.

Hey, remember when I didn't win "Lesbian Blogger of the Year"? Well, luckily Crystal thinks I'm Lesbian Blogger of the Year anyhow, 'cause she sent me a Dyke Duck. Also, the Uh Huh Her Prize Pack has arrived, although the video hasn't yet materialized. Probs 'cause Leisha has a lot of feelings about/for me:

*
i. Now I Will Pay Attention to My Google Reader: Live-Blogging Auto-Fun

My hero for life: Four Four's Recap of America's Next Top Model. I'd begun free-falling off planet secretly before the Dirty Girls reading, fo'real afterwards, and now let's catch up: AVN write-up, book release party in San Francisco. This photo from my reading; Stephanie looks beautiful, I look insane. I'm not being self deprecating, I really do look insane.

Oh! Wanna watch our vlog again, but on Haviland's page? Elsewhere amongst "VIP" label; Stef also finds that she'd like to lie more often than she does, 'cause honesty is a real bitch. Lozo's posted 16 times, and I'd give him Most Reliable Unpaid Blogger of the Year Award if it wasn't 75% videos (two girls kissing!) I wouldn't say this if he hadn't bitched about me not blogging. I just used the word "blogging" like ten times in a row so now I've gotta punish myself by spraying Glade in my eyeballs.

She always reminds me of me but younger and closer to mountains and in some ways braver. I don't know what to do about that, at all, so I do what I do which is wrong. I like this: "I feel like we're married, like I need a really really really good reason to ask for divorce, better than I'm tired of you, better than you make me scream without even doing anything necessarily wrong." Speaking of girl-children in faraway places who're wise beyond their years, Moonkiller's blog is one year old! She already knows everything there is to know.

"Mark all as read" is satisfying. I don't need all this Elegant Variation, NewPages, Critical Mass, Mediabistro. I need this Bookslut ... later. Is it May? Does anyone still trust me to relay a perspective on reality? Do I live your nightmares for you? Sometimes we all feel like this at once. Sometimes we don't read about it 'til it's over. Oh ... and. Scene. Eric Mathew to himself: what can I do today to win the hearts & minds of the lesbian community.

Oh ... and wow, and oh, and: this: Now this, the / dreaming breathing body / lying right beside / my own, just think -- ("The World of the Senses," by Franz Wright). The New Yorker's unofficial theme, this week, seems to be "Poems to Break Your Heart." "The God of Loneliness," "Grief." Fuck. I love poetry. I know that's like saying I love food. So I'll clarify; I love good poetry. More than almost anything, except kissing, laughter, and string cheese.

OMG, my agent, who probs wonders why she's still my agent considering I've yet to produce any material worth selling (but man, I sure do talk about it!) wrote a new post.

Sometimes there's people who've known me since I got here, and I get too embarassed to talk to them again and admit I keep making the same mistakes over and over. And then; how I don't think they're actually mistakes. I say: "I'll never trust anyone again," but then I laugh, "Yeah I will. I will. Over and over, I will."

Haviland was just talking to me about The Sound and The Fury and now she is, and also, this Phillip Glass opera; I must see it.

While sans-internet in Malibu, we were forced to settle arguments the old-fashioned way, like cavemen, with buffalo-killing competitions. Like; Cait said Polaroids were going extinct. I called nonsense; slogreenx says Cait auto-wins.

Note to all ye 12-year-olds: back in the day, when I walked ten miles to & from school, uphill both ways, we had cameras called Polaroids. Magic photos shot out right away, you wrote on them. Once we had a Polaroid Gallery Opening in our apartment, apparently I made a graphic about it once, don't know why:
Note to all ye newborns: you're really missing out, growing up in a world w/o Polaroids. Also good job on already knowing how to read.

Also speaking of lesbians I love them. Via Alex's shared items, and its respective cute user icon: more on feelings.

OK, I have like 184 items left, but I can't, I'm tired.

Some other things I'd like to bring to your attention:
1. Sam Anderson's feature on Augusten Burroughs, memory, life, everything: 'The Memory Addict"
2. The Anorexic's Cookbook, by Rachel Shukert, at nerve.com.

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ii. Promise I'll Be Perfect From Now On

"You say that you're broken,
I just wanna fix you.
Tell me what to do, and baby I will listen."
-Uh Huh Her

Sometimes I wish life didn't have rules. I mean, because it does, you know? History's proven certain ideas good, others bad. Sometimes, it's fun to break the rules, but also, if you keep breaking things (e.g., rules) you'll end up alone w/o things. Or, rather, you'll just have many broken things, what do you do with broken things? Fix them. Leave them. Hold all their broken pieces. A combination of all three.

There's 10,000 children in Ethiopia who'd beg to have problems so ridiculous as mine.

There are so many people that I love and late at night all my mixed feelings fade away and I wish they were all here, even the ones that hurt me so badly I thought I'd never breathe again -- no -- especially them. Sometimes I want everyone so bad I could fuck or hit them all. It's like my heart turns honest at 1 A.M. Sometimes, in the winter, B. and I would get off the phone by one of us declaring; "I'm over this day. I think I wanna go to sleep, just so it'll be over," and the other responding "Totally. Over this day."

Below this sentence are a million other sentences. Perhaps later, like tomorrow or the next day, I'll publish them. But right now ... gtg, kiddos, mermaids await. There is fun to be had, and trees we've yet to live in ... for real. Wheeeeeee!!!!

19 comments:

Lozo said...

wait a second. let me throw my logic hat on and see where it takes us. it's blue with yellow stripes and a big "L" on the front.

you have a dyke duck. only the lesbian blogger of the year, so i read, gets the dyke duck. i made a promise about doing something if you became lesbian blogger of the year. does that mean i have to keep that promise now?

nah. a blogger of the year wouldn't toy with heart strings and talk about "taking a break" all the time!!!

eric mathew said...

i have watched the vlog about ten trillion times. redic and i love every minute of it.

what you said about me in the post is sad but so true. i just feel like i relate better to my lesbian sisters, probably because i am one at heart.

A. said...

That second-to-last paragraph = fantastic and amazing.

Congratulations on your new bath companion... I mean the duck.

Anonymous said...

"Sometimes I want everyone so bad I could fuck or hit them all."

That's pretty much how I feel whenever I'm around anyone that has left a burr on my heart. You trick yourself into thinking you don't hurt anymore, and then the smallest movement -- a glance, a brush of their hand -- can dig into your heart, a reminder that they're still there.

Does it ever really go away? I'm over this day.

Anonymous said...

yo
ive never really commented before except (i dont know if thats the right use its always confused me)
when i left a youtube link? i was drunk and i thought it was really great. anyways you said on accident and the correct use is BY accident. its like my pet peeve or whatever. yeah. please please please say BY accident from now on. it would make me really happy. thanks.

Adam said...

I was going to comment on the frequency with which you promise to be perfect from now on, but the more I think about it I think that's right...

It's not something you can promise once; it's one of those promises you wake up and make every day, like love or quitting smoking.

There's this great line from Keeping the Faith (that imdb mysteriously fails to quote) where Jenna Elfman says "I quit smoking two years ago. When people smoke in front of me, I want to French-kiss them...just to suck the smoke out of their lungs. I really admire your commitment."

I'm not sure why I quoted that, apart from how pleasant it is to imagine Jenna Elfman sucking smoke out of my lungs. And because I admire your commitment. Just don't become a priest, k?

MoonKiller said...

All there is to know: I know fuck all. :)

And I wish I was around when polaroids were popular.

Anonymous said...

Alright. I've decided to buy a polaroid camera. Apparently they were around in 90s in some form but I missed it. In fairness, I was probably about six, but still.

Oh. I've been reading your blog for about a month or two or something, since I randomly stumbled across lesbian blogger of the year. I'm British, 17 & most probably more than half dyke. Kay 80%. Ish.

Anyway. Well done & all. You make me laugh & think & frown at the same time. This is good, I think.
(:

jenn said...

Ok so now i feel like the film of my life would be in black & white, as i did have a polaroid camera AND I wrote on the pics i also had the subjects on them sign them (unless it was a house or a tree or something, Im no geneiuos)then i stuck them all to my bedroom wall in the shape of a tree?? erm no point to this comment?!

Also reading this post has made me think Oh now i get it/u/what u have been doing?! i think?

Anonymous said...

perfect from now on = artist: built to spill album: perfect from now on.
thanks for the by accident, ps.

Anonymous said...

W/r/t the line about wanting to fuck or hit people who were in your life, it made me think about the Bette and Tina sex scene after Tina finds out about the carpenter.
I first saw that scene and thought it was so graphic, but after a break-up it became my number 1 feeling.

pat1mi said...

I too think that Mercury (renonexistant.blogspot.com) is like a déjà vu from my younger years. I’m afraid that in my case is just wishful thinking because in fact she is pretty amazing. It must be the magic of northern lights that gives her that amazing depth…

Tina-cious.com said...

Ok -- I haven't commented here in a long time. Or. Ever.

Not sure which.

Anyhoo -- you've been in my google reader for "like ever"... I lurk sometimes and then don't comment. Oh and I hate word verification so I tend to not comment on blogs that have them. LOL

I hit "mark all read" a lot too.

Joe.My.God. keeps me goin' with his 98,000 posts a day. :D

Anyhoo -- so well -- I'm here.

Well, when I'm not "Marking all as read" anyway.

Peace out. :)

riese said...

lozo: speaking of tugging, you used the word/term "heart-strings," which tugs on my heart strings. Look, I think you want to show us all your penis, and you should just come to peace with that, and let it out.

eric mathew: nothing sad about it. requited love is the best love of all.

A.: I sometimes think it's possible what I really need is like, an actual bath. with candles. and lesbians.

anonymous: "i always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends." (almost famous) I think that's the thing is suddenly it's like omg, I've been taking it seriously, and the record store is closed.

anonymous: fixed, and you were right, with except. I feel like it should be "except for" but you know whatevs, bygones be bygones.

adam: did you see empire records, in which jenna elfman plays the angel stripper, which also, imdb mysteriously fails to quote, but i feel like she's smoking there too. actually, after reading your comment, i had to have a cigarette. i keep stale american spirits around. which could be a metaphor for something more eloquent than i'll ever be, but the best part, is that i don't actually, really, ever, make promises. i just think other people are. but what about a rabbi?

moonkiller: like i said, you know it all alread.y

anonymous: it's okay, when i was your age, i had three polaroid cameras and thought I was 0% dyke, but because of jacinda on the real world, also before your time, really felt 100% british.

jenn: you said "im no geneiuos," that's genius. that's the point. i don't think i get it yet so if you get it already then that is really something, really it is, also, did you ever have a black and white polaroid camera 'cause i did once and that is also something.

anonymous: omg, so many anonymi on here. oh, it's you, again! you're welcome.

anonymous 500: omg, that's like, my favorite l word scene ever, it's the most honest beautiful thing i've ever seen. and i've done that.

pat1mi: me too, i mean, from day one, i've always thought, she is me but 16, except now she's 18, and maybe not even reading this anymore.

tina-cious.com: it's funny 'cause i always thought of you as one of those bloggers who's like super more famous than me ever, so it's funny, i'm pretty sure you've never commented, but i'm not sure of anything, i had to take joemygod off my reader, inadequecy issues. really lozo's lucky i keep him around, with all that reliancy. which is a wor.d i just made up.

Tina-cious.com said...

Me??? Now that is funny I thought it was you! LOL

I think I conceded that title when I saw someone suggested you for guestbian blogger on OurChart.com.

That's when I hit the ground and started my "I'm not worthies". :D

p.s. Jess aka Jero (aka the wife) discovered you guys' vlogs today.

It's over for me now. LOL

Anonymous said...

hahaa i'll meet you outside the closed record store. you bring the string cheese and i'll bring the vodka.

-anonymous1

jenn said...

Thank you for the spelling check( thats why my blog is empty, my comments would just be my friends spell checking me) plus i write in speach!!!

I had both a colour and a black and white the latter for my teenage moody photos and the colour for out with my mates, VERY sad i know but VERY SADDLY true!!

When i dont think 'i get it', i tend to know 'i have got it' but dont want to admit it. so maybe you do get it?

a;ex said...

There's 10,000 children in Ethiopia who'd beg to have problems so ridiculous as mine.

When you say this, I think it makes me feel less guilty about reading about your problems.
Actually, I just like when you admit it out loud.
You know... acceptance is the first stage of something something... uhh...

anyway! carry on with the problems and feelings!

Jack Unhinged said...

Uh Huh Her lyricism :: straight to the heart. Remember back when you unloaded re: what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who is mentally sliding off of the earth? I empathized then, and I empathize so much more now.

Going thru a total mindfuck. & just stopping by to say that, plus: HI.

//formerly elec-tri-city//