Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tuesday Top Eight: Time, You've Got Me Running

Clearly I'll believe almost anything for at least a minute if you yell at me loud enough, but it's never been difficult to win me over re: the possibility that we're spiraling slowly/quickly into mass apocalyptic extinction -- especially after George W. took office. Then, last year; getting my nails manicured black, listening to Lavar Burton (from Reading Rainbow and Star Trek: TNG, two of my fave shows!) and James Earl Jones perform The Book of Revelation for "The Bible Experience" audiobook (I like to educate myself via i-pod during mani-pedi time) (I'm a weirdo), I looked outside at April's snow and thought "yup, we're totally in for it."

Luckily, I'm Jewish and don't believe in Revelation, and 'cause the Jews are Chosen I'll probs survive the apocalypse anyhow ... um ... I actually have 'the apocalypse' as a tag, which is telling ... Where was I? I'm sick. I used Carly's chapstick last night before confessing my sickness, so I've been trying to downplay my sickness since then to relieve the guilts I've got over that. Coincidentally, I'm also getting way better.

Sidenote, not related to apocalyptic anything -- in fact quite the opposite! -- we went to the NewNowNext Awards last night and Alex and I pretended to be real reporters (and Cait pretended to be a real cameraperson) for "The L Word Online," the video's gonna be kickass!! I just need to learn Final Cut. Erum today maybe? Look at Michelle Paradise and Tinkerbell! They're so cute and clearly in love!

"What's that, Tinkerbell? You wanna go to the awards with me?"
Seriously, this video is going to be amazing! More about that later. Back to Top Ten Signs of the Apocalypse! I feel like this post is old-school autowin.
... Right! Yesterday at the gym I was watching The View (cue endgame music) and all these ladies -- there's four of them, they're all shiny with serious hair and they are all Not Rosie -- agreed that the end is nigh. They were so casual about it. "Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised," etc.

Then I flipped the channel to MTV during a commercial and confirmed immediately that the world'll probs end in 2010 for sure.
Tuesday Top Eight: Signs of the Apocalypse

8) My Super Sweet 16
The birthday girl hopes it'll be Usher, or someone like that, someone with a name like Skee-Lo or Lil' Romeo, and meanwhile in a gigantic clear wind tank labeled 'Daddy's Money,' other sixteen-year-olds have 20 seconds each to grab for dollar bills. Some kiss the money, some stuff it in their shiny white suits (they're all wearing white, it's a white party), omg, it's the musical guest -- but it's not Usher, it's two ballerinas. They're not wearing white, but they're graceful and talented and for the first time since the 45 seconds prior that I flipped to this channel to begin with, I'm actually interested. Something beautiful is actually happening.

The birthday girl disagrees -- she's horrified, "Oh my GOD this is so embarrassing, what was he thinking?!" she says. She's losing the crowd, her friends are giggling/whispering/aghast. She has failed to provide K-Fed or Kriss Kross. Her father slips into the background, avoiding the camera's reproach, as the birthday girl asks the DJ to stop the music right now, everyone hates it. "I'm here to party, not to see the like, ballet," one dude, the scent of money still fresh on his skin, laments. Anyhow, all is forgiven, her present pulls up outside: "Oh my God," a friend drops jaw for the camera. "She got a new Lexus. I'm so jealous."

All is forgiven. Let us rejoice!

I actually didn't know anyone who had a Sweet 16, is it normal to have one? I guess I went to a lot of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, though.
7) Another Shot at Love With Tila Tequila
Ok so let's say hypothetically that you're in a swimming pool with a girl you fancy. There's approx. 50 others in the pool, one's named Glitter, the dudes are named Bo, Jay, etc. -- one-syllable words they'll later hurl at each other with the fury of a thousand tattoos of suns. Then, your fancied girl starts making out w/three other girls, and then she makes out with two other dudes, and then makes out with about 100 other people right there.

Would you:
a) Think "OMG, I love this girl, she's the one for me."
b) Try to start a fight with whomever's kissing her.
c) Boil over with jealousy because she is your one true love, you guys hung out for three minutes yesterday, it was awesome, you're in love, wtf.
d) Get out of the pool and be like, "this show isn't about bisexuality, it's about polyamory, which is totes fine, but also not my thing clearly as I've been brainwashed into believing she's my one and only soulmate, and also, Tila is dumb, I'm gonna go nap on that big-ass bed while all these losers duke it out in the pool."
e) Make like Ophelia and drown.

6) Our Stummies Hurt
As a wee lassie, I'd call my stomach my "stummy." Get it? Stomach + tummy = stummy. It often hurt. Everyone's stomach often hurts. In fact, I don't know any woman who doesn't have some kind of serious stomach issue. I think this's 'cause the food industry's semi-evil. We eat crap, everything, unless we're just eating organic, which's expensive, and sometimes not organic. I love string cheese, sidenote. Maybe I'll have one right now. I try not to eat lunch-related foods before 11:15. That's when Fourth Hour starts at Interlochen, a.k.a first lunch period.
"The world is ending out there and people are just getting cosmetic surgery and watching debutantes get screwed up the ass."
(Claire, Six Feet Under)

I read this article and my first thought was, OMG, if the Sex and the City movie is already sold out, I'm gonna be so pissed. THEN! I saw this, which is a timeline of when things'll go extinct in the future, and thought OMG, it's fate. Then I realized "I just thought 'OMG' twice and it's only 9:30. I've been awake since 7, when I awoke to cough. It was so much fun I figured I'd just stay up, and write nonsense all morning long. OMG. Blogging is supposed to go out in 2020, which is good, I'll probs run out of ideas by then. Or perhaps I already have!

4) Save the Cheerleader, Save the World
I started watching Heroes last year 'cause Haviland wouldn't stop yapping about it. After Episode One I told her I couldn't go on, it was making me feel crazy -- believe in magical powers, especially w/r/t apocalypse prevention -- but I started watching again. I'm about six eps in. It's making me feel crazy again, but I'm at peace with that, 'cause it's just so good.

3) My Requisite Angela Chase Moment

Things are one way, here's the evidence, things are another way, here's more. Write someone off, then back in, love them then hate them. It's easy, then, to make a case for just about anything ... for or against almost anyone. I'm gullible, sure, but I don't know many people strong enough in their convictions to never change their mind, or flip-flop. I used to think it was me -- I'm the one changing from one kind of person to another kind of person -- but now I think no; the facts can often line up neatly and eagerly on both sides no matter how still I stand, almost everyone's got a case, and no-one really knows what happened. The world is ending, it'll go on forever, it's ending in 2010, if we lived in Burma or Iraq, it's possible we'd feel it's already ended.
2) Check this out:
Monday 12th - Tegan & Sara concert
Thursday 15th - Uh Huh Her in Philadelphia
Saturday 17th - Carly's housewarming (gay!), Alex's friend's rooftop b-day party (kinda gay!)
Monday 19th - Logo NewNowNext Awards
Tuesday 20th - Uh Huh Her in NYC

That's what I've been doing. Seriously, gayest.week.ever. After tonight I'm not leaving my apartment again until Ellen & Portia's wedding. This has nothing to do with the apocalypse, I just wanted to chat.
1) Doesn't this feel like a countdown? Like now I'll be like, kazaam! Where's Will Smith?

But there's lots of reasons why the world might not be ending: like the gay marriage ban being lifted in California, or that right now most of my friends seem to be recovering from things rather than going through them. There's forgiveness still, and hope. There's misunderstanding, too, but also hoodies and lip gloss and kissing and Uh Huh HER.

You know how when you're sick, you hear everything like you're stuck inside a giant plastic bag? That's how I feel now, but it'll pass. It's like jittery and hollow and rainy, and made me write all this nonsense. Which is incoherent, but in my mind, has a thesis, maybe even five paragraph, and fireworks at the end.

For now, the world spins madly on. I'm hungry.


stef said...

omg how was lady gaga? i am so proud, i feel like her grandmother.

did you see that mtv is actually doing a show now where they take the girls from my super sweet 16 and send them to third world countries??? it's like the simple life to the extreme.

Meghan said...

1. Geordie reading Revelation? Aweseomeness.

2. My little sister used to say "stummy" too. She also used to switch compound noun phrases: "polish nail" and "meeting staff."

3. DOOM: http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/gadgets/what-if-all-humans-vanished-207870.php

Also I've been trying to get to The World Without Us for ages but now I've lent it to a friend and can't even pretend it's on my reading pile any more. Still I love apocalyptic anything. I want to know what happens when we burn our lives down.

Hope you feel better.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

My Super Sweet 16 redeemed itself five minutes into the first episode I ever saw, when someone punched the birthday girl in the face ... because she was being a bitch and deserved it. Short story shorter, I cannot bring myself to bash the show. That was amazing.

eric mathew said...

omg did you know stef and i went to the same university. crazy.

i am seriously the biggest woman. no pun. my stomach ALWAYS hurts. i have tried every medication. i carry tums with me and once did shots of pepto in a bathroom stall i felt like james st. james. it was redic. i know have to take dramium because i get sick in cars.

have you heard about the new sweet 16 show? the kids get sent to crazy places like africa and india. ahh scary. more like spring break '08 holler.

i swear if i don't get invited to ellen and portia's wedding i'm going to be so pissed. i already bought them the nyc subway map shower curtain that they wanted so bad.

oo Lynnie oo said...

the world probs is ending. it won't stop raininggggg. i shall build an ark.

ps; the new now next awards?! fun fun! i enjoy those vlogger gals.

caittt said...

omg my stomach hurts so much right now for reals. still upset about that chicken. talking about the end of the world scares me, but i don't think it's going to happen soon, although i wouldn't be surprised if it did. we say uh huh, you sayyyyyy...

Jaime said...

I, too, am in the stomach retard community. For eric and everyone else nausea-prone (and nausea is, obvs, just one facet of the beautiful multifaceted gem) - ginger is amazing for nausea, car-related or otherwise. I am never without some of these mofos (why did I just get scared of cursing?) in my bag. They are magic, and, like two bucks for a lot at Whole Foods.

Crystal said...

The End by The Doors started playing on shuffle as I was reading this, and to be honest it creeped me out. I thought the apocalypse was about to happen last week when the whole world's internet seemed to crash. Obvs a false alarm. I think I already told you this. I have aches all over. I heart UHH.

a;ex said...

wait, have you checked your google reader shared items today? Cause I totally shared this article about the Mayan calendar and the end of the world before I had any idea you were writing this.

Sidenote - whomevs said the thing about Ginger is right on. My very favorite is the candied (not crystallized) Ginger from Trader Joes.

I don't know why my iPhone insists on capitalizing 'Ginger'

Haviland Stillwell said...

1. Eric Mathew - Go see a doctor! Seriously...trust me....go see a doctor. Those meds you're chewing on could be doing a lot more harm than good!

2. Semicolon - did you say GINGER? like...Ginger SPICE?

3. Riese, obvs the world is ending, whatevs. Come to LA...'cause I'm here waiting for the next joke.

e. said...

Oh, stummy-aches. My old arch-nemesis... I always carry Gravol.

I liked this post, the Apocalypse heavily seasoned with commas. It made me think of that Regina Spektor song, y'know, the one in which you'd the world is ending because everything is plastic, everyone's sarcastic. All the food is frozen and needs to be defrosted, etc.

Also: a;ex's iPhone is clearly anticipating "Ginger" to be followed by "Spice", no?

eric mathew said...

Hav... I actually have. I just have an overly sensative stomach. It doesnt handle things like grease well so it reacts bad. i also need to eat enough fruit and veggies to like balance it all out. there is not a whole amount i can do...

but thanks for caring.

e. said...

Ah, Haviland beat me to the Ginger Spice punch. (Ginger Spice Punch?)

Razia said...

This was very old-school Auto-Win. I love it.

Also, I always feel like the world is ending when I watch cable news. And read Perez.

a;ex said...

oooo I'll take some Ginger Spice punch!
Yeah, you guys were all over the Ginger Spice thing. Thank god for that.

Adam said...

e -- totes ophelia.

Julia said...

I'd have to say the apocalyptic moment on A Shot At Love wasn't the pool make out session (as Lisa said in an outtake, "Wow, I thought it was hot. I didn't know if I should be jealous but...") but when she kicked someone off in the latest episode because all they were to her was looks.

Also, you know that thing that happens when you're listening to a person a lot and you pick up their vocabulary and enunciation (like when someone listens to Mitch Hedberg for hours and then starts talking in a stoner drawl)?
So, a couple days ago, I was talking to my friends and dropped the phrases "fo' reals" and "totes" and got ridiculed.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

julia -- After months of auto-winning, I once used "obvs" while hanging out with my boys, and time stopped. Seriously awkward moment. So it goes, ha.

maggie said...

I've been reading for a while, but this is my first time commenting. I really enjoy your blog, mostly because the way you think/write reminds me of the way I think. I too had a lot of "stummy" aches as a child (mostly anxiety related-my first anti-anxiety medication was in liquid form-circa 1993), am semi-obsessed with My So-Called Life and do not enjoy leaving my apartment. Thanks for your blog.

riese said...

stef: ok, we maybe didn't see lady gaga, but we did get an interview with michelle williams talking about how much she hearts lady gaga and that she's there for her!

i am so glad they're taking those brats to the thrid world. For serious. Although actually, it'd be far better just to leave them alone.

meghan: That gizmodo chart is not kidding around. I recommend also, "Tomorrow After the War Began." YA post-apocalyptic literature. It's not true, but y'know. What is? The World Without Us, I feel like I saw something about that and thought, wow, that's like, a lot. To digest. In my stummy! I want to switch compound noun phrases too. I'm trying to think of a good one.

brooklyn boy: I'm going to keep that in mind the next time I make a vlog with Lozo. I'll be like, "but wasn't it cool when I punched him in the face? that was amazing!:

eric mathew: maybe you guys will be at a reunion together! you can make a vlog! you can dance and sing the music! did you hear about the guy who registered fake at crate and barrel and is getting all these gifts that people think are going to ellen and portia who obvs didn't actually register there or anywhere because ellen says they don't need anything and don't want anyone to give them anything, and she was just joking about crate & barrel, so anyhow, I hope you didn't get that shower curtain for real omg.

ooo Lynnie ooo: If you build an ark, I hope you remember that there needs to be a spot for Tinkerbell AND Littlefoot. FYI.

caitttt: HEERRRRRRRRRR!!! I think there's someone on 125th right now who probs knows when the world's gonna end if you wanna come over, just throwin' it out there.

Jaime: I think my stomach actually already hurts right now. I should probably cut back on the Coca-Cola, alcohol, processed snack foods and microwavable breakfast pockets and eat ginger and other things from Whole Foods. Should.

Crystal: That song reminds me of that boy I made out with the first time I ever made out with a boy which is why I can't listen to The Doors anymore. I think I told you this. I want for the aching to stop, preferably without the apocalypse to do so.

a;ex: I think you wrote this yesterday, but i still haven't checked. But I will. I hope it's not too late. I like candy too. Like the song about I want candddyyy wheeeee

Haviland Stillwell: I hear the view of the end of the world is better there. Or sunnier, splashier. My phone is blinking. It's probably you. Brb.

e. : i don't know what gravol is. is it like gravel? what if eating gravel cured stomach aches? "Plastic and Sarcastic" should be someone's tag line, maybe even the Spice Girls. To bring it back around. The thing I love about Regina Spektor is that she seems both dark and full of life, which is how I want to be when I grow up.

eric mathew: nice shoulder!

e.: If I ever have a party, which is unlikely, there'll be Ginger Spice Punch. And it'll have vodka in it.

razia: i think that's why i avoid perez. somehow "nicole caught lindsay with her boyfriend!" sounds like "the mark of the beast was upon them." etc

a;ex: thank g-d for the spice girls amen.

adam: and if they ask you why, say it's cause you never got to know the real tila.

julia: i love it when tila rejects people for not wanting to know the real tila. and she always touches her collarbone when she says it, as if she's trying to connect to an actual heart somehow, or imply its existence.

I've been watching too much of "The Office" before bed and started talking like Michael Scott. Except that I don't even like Michael Scott, I mean, who does? So I just talk like him. Fo'reals.

brooklyn boy: omg that is hands down totes obvs yay wheeee!!

maggie: one day, if i ever do anything real or famous, I'm going to rally everyone who stays indoors and sometimes feels like Angela Chase and we're going to have a revolution, and the result will be MSCL: The Movie.

oo lynnie oo said...

so like, would they reproduce? littlebells and tinkerfoots? feet?

Chloe said...

LAVAR BURTON! I'm totes in love with him. What happened to him? He kinda dropped off the face of the earth in the late 90's. And also, My Super Sweet 16 makes my head explode a little bit, and yet somehow I always end up watching it. Cuz I can totes relate. I mean, of course Ja Rule (remember him?) pulled up in an escalade and all my friends shit themselves and I had totes the biggest party that the east coast has ever seen because I have to or else no one would like me!!! And by that I mean I went to see Spamalot with my best friend. And then we went to John's, which was super sweet cuz their chocolate cake is orgasmic.

...I've digressed. But it's nice to know that there's someone else out there who can't stand that show.

And in response to number 7...totes D, the bed is probs the best part of the show.

...And also, I was getting flowers the other day from this crazy lady and apparently she knows two people from Hero's because they used to go to her store or something and apparently I went to the same high school as two people from Heros. Which is totes sweet.

Julia said...

Oh man, Brooklyn Boy, I'm glad I'm not the only one. Also, I have yet to use "obvs", but I know it's going to happen some day. And now I know what to expect.

Also, Riese, I did not notice the collar bone thing! And here I thought I was A Shot At Love expert...