Saturday, October 20, 2007

Whoever Creates a New Word For VLOG is the Automatic Winner. [JK]

OMG. I just realised we forgot to say "JK" in the vlog [waa], I guess it'll be super organic next time though, you know?

This one's longer. We made it for Lozo, but mainly for ourselves. Perhaps you've noticed: it's speedier for me to write 10,000 nonsense words than it is to bang out 1,000 brill words. It's also speedier to type "brill" rather than "brilliant," and it's all about the bottom line. The word "vlog," p.s., makes me feel like Slimer, it's super-gross.

For this week's vlog, Haviland and I tackle all your questions--not every answer's in the final cut, but don't blame yourself, it's totes us, not always on point, and also, apparently, I kept pronouncing Joe Torre wrong.

Some of the topics covered include Paris Hilton's fantastic album, Susan Powter's voicemail, Thanksgiving, how depressed Riese is that everybody in New York is too skinny for her to fall in love with, the war in Iraq, and how to make Haviland look naked. There's a lot of subtext, too. Very complex. "Meta" as the hipsters with the bangs in their eyes are saying. Ironically. While having their falafel in that shop by the L station after the nerve/onion cocktail mixer. I say cocktails ironically, p.s.

It's Friday night. If we were cool, we'd be out somewhere. I don't know. Wherever the kids are going these days. To eat falafel. No, we're cool. We also went to Ikea today. It felt like Sweden, but with more furniture and less people.


Anonymous said...

An insomniacs wet dream.

Or maybe that's just the rain banging out an extra special word for your vlog.

Hang on. Gonna go ponder a cheeseburger in the night (if 3:34 AM qualifies under this designation).

Now you got me craving other things too. Like cocktails, literally, p.s.

Anonymous said...

apostrophe s —— fatigue glitch

Anonymous said...

wallace & gromit ?

riese said...

This is a hotbed of anonymity.

My goal in life is to establish myself as an insomniac's wet dream.

[really riese, really.]

I don't remember what those dudes look like, they are made out of clay, yeah? Like driedels? I'd like to be Gromit. Whichever one is funnier looking.

coldbed said...

Hm. Gromit is a plasticine canine. So that'd make you Hav's bitch.

Ms. Jackson said...

What is it that you have to do to prevent the world from ending??
I'm dying to know.

Anonymous said...

I like the bud light box in the background.

Really Papi?

alex vega said...

Who provided the lighting design? It was fab.

LMC said...

Great vlog. That does sound slimy. Like a disease. "Hey, did you hear about Mary? She's in the hospital cuz she had another outbreak of vlog."

Maybe we could call it a vid-og. That sounds like an alien animal.

Also, loved your scarf in this one, Riese. Hot!

riese said...

coldbed: And the problem with that is ....
ms. jackson: I know, right? The line before that line, fittingly enough -- "Haviland, what am I gonna do for my Sunday Top Ten?"
christine: Nice OBVServation. (so clever, riese, so clever!) I don't know what happened to the clip where we addressed that -- the Bud Light box is totally filled with Harry Potter books. There's actually no one in the apartment who drinks beer, except Carly when she comes over.
av: Ikea, with assistance from Haviland's shooting stars and the TV program "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
lmc: I totally could've used that hospital excuse a few months ago. Damn. Scarf=H+M. It's perfect.

Anonymous said...

seriously though

anonymous other said...

No probs. whatsoever. Now, anyone one of us lazy-ass bedridden savants can come up to you an assert the following:

"I'm not your bitch, bitch!" — from Season 1 of Top Chef

And seriously though, wassup with the other anonymous' W&G fetish. Remix is some sort of Pee-Wee Herman brainchild. Kinder-kreepy.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

now im self conscious about my user name. OoOoOoOo!

im not quite sure how i want to describe your volgs...which isn't a bad thing, but i just don't know the right words, maybe they haven't been invented yet, and haven't had the chance to be abbreviated.

i also want to announce that im going to see the spice girls in nyc Feb 13th. bc i know you were wondering!

Oo Lynnie oO said...

PS! did you hear JK Rowling let it be known that Dumbledore was gay?

Anonymous said...

Call it a Sexliesandtapelog. Slatlog!or slutlog! or shut up me!Is anyone else perturbed by the letters we have to type in to comment and start making words out of them like in the game called boggle? Or start wondering if semantics have meaning? Shut me up!

dewey said...

Well I’m currently in a bad mood because England just lost the rugby world cup final, but to give you and Haviland credit, this did cheer me up.

"Like shoo fly don't bother me" Actually made me lol lots.

And I just re-watched that and totally got why someone left the Wallace and Gromit comment which also now has me laughing.

Seriously I’m almost over England losing already.....ok I’m no where near over it.

"Swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry me home" I’m going to go drown my sorrows....

riese said...

anonymous: You're right, you win, we look like Wallace & Grommit, it's true.


anonymous other: I durnno about the W&G, I couldn't sit through it. Loved PeeWee though. And bitches. Or, I must.


ooolynnieooo: Be proud of your username, it's a central player, beautiful, shooting star. Stef's going to that concert, and possibly us.


anonymous: slutlog is a winner.

Everyone's perturbed by the letters -- trying to avoid the petulant spammers I had prior, with their randmoized porn/diet pills .. randomized randoms.


dewey: Moonkiller wanted us to use "shoe" in the sentence, and that's what she came up with.

Glad to cheer you up, we're lolbots. I like rugby, that's like a lesbian game I feel.

really anonymous, really? said...

So glad that you could interpret anonymous' commenting dilemma with such precision.

"perturbed by the letters we have to type in to comment"

My take was more like, "Huh, if A to Z no longer do it for you, move on to proto-glyphs. Elevated semantics."

Obvs. too much cheese on the brain and not enough burger.

PeeWee and rugby? You are one twisted lover of bitches. And other ephemera, as such.

Anonymous said...

I don't have a wallace n gromit fetish although never say never, I've participated in some strange combinations in my time. I only made a comment as the broadcast formerly known as a vlog really brought them to mind (glad you got that dewey although living north of the border I don't feel your world cup pain - well I feel it but it makes me smile) and then Reise didn't know what they looked like so I found the first picture I could & linked it and then ... blah, waffle, blah ... I can't believe I am denying a W&G fetish on the internet - I can see how these things could get out of control! I have now typed more words in this comments section than I have in the report that I have to present on Monday. It is officially a shame for me.

haviland said...

I'm still not sure i get the W&G reference...?

oo-OO --- I LOVE your blogger name...thats why i invented such a sparkling and provocative way of saying it! :)

spice girls, going to be so fun. hopefully we'll be able to go!

Oo Lynnie oO said...

why thank you Haviland!

as far as spice girls goes...i have a password you could use to get tix, if u need it just let me know

Lozo said...

dear haviland,

how can you not read my blog? you were in it 40 percent of the time last week, and before that, your bff and i had a strip club adventure.

hurting deep inside,


Haviland said...

ooh la la -- a password? i think we already have the overpriced tkts...but do tell, will ya? if this is top secret info, you can email me @ ??

LOZO MY LOVE! i don't really read blogs...i have to seriously pencil in time to read THIS one...but ok, i will try to keep up a lil bit, ok? Don't stop believin' ...

Lozo said...

i will hold on to that feelyayyaying, but i shall always reference you like this from now on:

tell haviland, whose plays i never see, that on a scale of 1-10, i would do her. or get done by her.

Oo Lynnie oO said...

sure thing

stef said...

i was happy to hear the word 'mingin' used in casual conversation. points.

the 'biting into a cow' noise also made me giggle. haviland with her entire container of casein sitting on top of her fridge.

also um, you guys are going to spice girls. it was not a question. it was a command. it's paid for for now and it's months away, and it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. the end. AND WE'RE GOING IN COSTUME.

what does one pre-game with for spice girls concerts? probably just lots of sugar right?

my word veri is uckbav, which is russian for zig-a-zig-ahhhh.

Anonymous said...

i just stumbled onto this blog a few days ago, but now i totes want to go to spice girls, too. sigh.

a fellow michigander

Anonymous said...

The music says "I cannot carry numbers."

What does that mean Riese?

Anonymous said...

Btw, the last anonymous is the first.

Also, I've satisfied my cheeseburger and cocktail issues.

Anonymous said...

I've also taken part in other anonymous banter within this thread.

And, obvs., need to shut up and dance. South of that northern border.

I'm not the WG freak. But freak on, if you (anonymous) wish.

Anonymous said...

This is Riese. I just thought it would be funny if I was anonymous. Get it? It's me. Only anonymous.

Anonymous said...

You are totes welcome to the anonymous (albeit drunk?) zone.

Anonymous said...

Besides the number question, what is your definition of too much isolation (aka.solitude)?

My music is something to be desired, p.s.

Anonymous said...

Also. Also. Also.

Anonymous said...

No, THIS is Riese. Obvs. That other anonymous was just pretending to be me.

Anonymous said...

Not karmalicious — to fuck with reality. Really, Riese, really?

michigander/ann arborite said...

too much isolation? when i start thinking, oh my god, if i died right now, how long would it take for someone to notice?

gotta thanks a paranoid college roommate for that nice bit of mental gymnastics. she said it one night, drunk and crying about her lonely life, and now i'm totes like, omg. what if?

riese said...

OMG! That first anonymous was me. The second one wasn't me. I'm just happy to have inspired someone to pretend to be me, I wonder what that's like, like walking a mile in someone else's moccassins maybe. I wish you could pretend to build my dresser and then really build it. I'll respond to all of you claiming actual names asap.

Anonymous said...

Reflexology says:

I'd notice the second it happened [to me].

— Kalifornikator

Shall I pour?

Anonymous said...

I'm building your dresser in my lucid dream. IKEA is instinctual. Um. Om.

Anonymous said...

That was a AA battery of info cum AAA once I'm done with this one.

riese said...

anonymous1:"blah, waffle, blah" : this poetry is too brilliant to ignore.

haviland: It's because Wallace and Grommit are on glue, and so are you. Um ... sparkling/provacative = the hpsdvia experience

ooolynnieooo: okay now i think it in my head that way too. I like it better this way. I mean, it's no "anonymous," but I'll settle.


dear lozo,

she read it last week. I'm not sure if she read the strip club adventure. The thing is, if it's a topic she's totes uninterested in, she won't read it. Like, once I posted about french fries and deli sandwiches and donuts, and she was like "hm, i wonder what's going on on myspace."

hope you're healing,



haviland: Can I email you at I'd like to see that pencil that you do your time with. I would like to borrow it. Because .. hm. wait. this is a conversation between you & lozo. Let me move on, further down the list, to other people near and dear to me, like oh um ....

stef: hello, real live girl. your comment on the last post made me LOL btw. I am Sporty Spice obvs. We will have Fun-Dip. That's not a drug reference, you know the candy, fun dip? So hot. Anyhow, where are all my other close close friends oh yes ...

anonymous! oh! I know you. you are the one from ann arbor. i will get back to you in a minute because i would like:
1) some cheesy bread from Pizza House
2) A Collider from Rod's Diner if it still exists
3) A quesadilla from Pancheros.

anonymousssss! That means that numbers are heavy, like my un-built dresser.

anonymousss! my dear friend! So good to hear about the cheeseburgers and the cocktails. I'd like both of those things right now, though I don't necessarily need the cheeseburger as I had a nice supper. btw, the last anonymous is the alpha and the omega.

Hey Anonymous! You talk like someone, I can't figure out who. Not the other anonymous, but someone else. Probs coincidence. I wish someone would freak on under a name.

Riese: Nice shoulder.

Anonymous: You are entering THE ESPN ZONE.

anonymous k No. It's you that talks like someone else. Not on purpose, I don't think, but it's funny. Anyhow, no one's talking yeah. it's all semantics probs. How much solitude is too much? I don't know. Not so much that you loose desire, p.s. Also. Also.

anonymous riesophant: By now, you've probs realised that being me is as exactly as totes weird as I said it was, and given up the gig.

anonymous: I'm nothing if not karmalicious, bitch.

michigander: see above, re: milkshakes and melted cheese.Wouldn't it be amazing if it was a blog writer person, like "where've they been? no comments? perhaps check the apartment?" I don't know if that's possible. hm. Now i'm lost in my mind somewhere.

additional anonymi: I just was about to post that comment, now I see your new ones. So I'm going to read those now.

Anonymous said...

You and I — Pacha NYC.

But wait, someone once said something about an ineptitude for dance.

I can lead. I can teach. I last — AAA.

Anonymous said...

I was gonna post this on my blog, yeah:


I’m raining clouds and eyes
looking for you

in essence

thinking about you

I see silhouettes

burials and bandits
dramatis personae


With these notions
I feel shadows
eyeing photos

remembering checkpoints:
tablatures. Parking lot spots
a dream of vagueness

darkness snakes night

with no sleep at all.

I see others
— reprographic

there are people standing by

I want to remember
people standing by

tenancy of time keeping
borders tenuously observed

standing by.

Let’s play cacophony,
capture the lag bandit
strumming bygone tensions
in accord dance of tango

and you:

Lagrimas encontradas.
Bandidas de calor.

Forgotten bodies
sink at twilight

which’s yours?

I want to remember
discordant harmonic
noise. Essential sounds cantilevered —

byways, highways, away-ways
Karmacoma trance ways.

But I can’t get through them … at all.

Anonymous said...

It seems that — I am losing it.

riese said...

it seems that -- i am here

Anonymous said...

It seems you are, solace.

Anonymous said...

Now playing:

Robert Miles, Children from Dreamland

Reminds me of a road trip to hope. Future life. Definition. Miles of definition.

Anonymous said...

I will replace the Rangpur, the Sauvignon Blanc, the Chandon.

I promise.

riese said...

I believe in promises, you know. I still do, really, after all this time, I still am

riese said...

The Rangpur. Of course. Can't forget the Rangpur.

Anonymous said...

You leave it at ________ . After all, we all still are. In the most absolute of ways we are. An that's just fucking difficult, y'know.

I feel therefore I am alive?

Why am I italicizing my own thoughts M? I tend to do that. Giving credit to alter ego. Lame. All is one.

Disfunctional function of being.

Anonymous said...

Lola's Theme:

I'm a different person.

riese said...

an insomniac's lucid dream
grandeur, grander
Robert Miles Dreamland is dream miles.
low-emission spaceships too fast to see faces

Ill follow, entonces,
one foot another entonces
pero entonces

I see live action shawdos
dramatis persone
a starry invite

i feel skin
shying photos
because a photo is only a photo
memory is a body part, eager with function

remembering biting sweet sharp beautiful beautiful miesry

in snakes dearnes.
dark slithers.
let's make this more ergonyamic.
more finger friendly.

Anonymous said...

Welcome to my spaceship
How you have come?

Fingers define skin
Live action puppet

Skin textured photo —
Graphic memory is epidermal

Enter sweet sharp
Flow. Pouring grandeur
Cum exhaustion

Close to my lips.
That is sound-ing

Spaces like ships
Drowning entonces

Finger driven
Drunken invitation
To count

One, two
All are invited

Body parts
Part familiar

Snake through night
Into you.

Anonymous said...

blah, waffle, blah

Anonymous said...

Don't ask. Don't ask.

Anonymous said...

But can I have my waffle with jam?

Anonymous said...

Why are we so fucking away-k?

Anonymous said...

When I close my eyes, the world spin so.

riese said...

the tears are from yawning
we all need more space
room to fix things in,
have come.

The live action puppet says
his fingers have minds of their own
better than a man's mind, he says

the puppet
ojos veritas
with the fingers
for there to be a space
and words to put inside them

sometimes on the couch i throw up my hands
then they fall off my arms
i can do without hands
it's the fingers that i like best
the way they reach for things without holding on tight forever

but these ghost of hands i have
tell stories by grabbing
drunken acceptance
to matter

one, two
body parts
do not want to be left

but will settle after some time
for that dark snaking
for the whip of it's tail
and its
violent desire

the waves of it,
the hours,
the dream

Lozo said...

when i left for the bar, this post had 25 comments. hello, crazytown. that includes you, faux anon.

also, i have never seen haviland in a play.

hugs and kisses,


riese said...

what's up lozotown. i can't believe you made it to the bar. you could have been putting together my dresser.

Anonymous said...

Rooms surround
Sounds of dexterity

When hands open
Fingers touch languid
Language holding

Storied meanings
As phantom matter

Equating one
To two
Too many
Body parts


Desire defines violent
Hours painting
Dreams of waves
And flooding

Drown in the plush
Structure that is

And fortitude
And truth.


Anonymous hugs n' kisses for Dave. Bars. Etcetera.

Anonymous said...

You or a saint? Who will shut off the waking switch?

riese said...

rooms dexterious
and me: busy fingers, hands

when bodies open
fingers touch like screaming

the smoke and mirrors

I would say it's always that
the too many

body parts


A arm needs to feel the brush of another's or
a thing

desire defies violet
hours waiting
waiting for what
do the waves mean to be waisted for
and flooding.

from underwater:
the big sky
a thing to be desired
a body desiring

a body by the water
but sleeping. she knows
how she'd like to be found
but little else

for now: structure,
drivers, holes

lk said...
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a;ex vega said...

Dear riese and haviland,

i watched your va-log (kinda sounds short for "vaagina monologues" eh?) for a seocnde time. this time i was a little durnk,
i ejoyed it even more tahn the fist time. aaand i thought you'd appreciat e that in some wierd wa.y
am i correct? yes?

sincerely forever,

riese said...

I don't know what makes Lozo laugh, or who's fourseome. Maybe it's basketball realted like the final four.

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Anonymous said...

I think you should talk about the awesomeness that is filling out applications, how you met, why when I hear Haviland singing do I dream about the car sex scene from Titanic and why isn't it the car sex scene from the L Word, the best time of the day for sex, sexual acts and performance factors, and of course who would you rather do, Calvin or Susie? Or Hobbes if you want to go there.

Crystal said...

nice one. too bad 'bout the JK.

riese said...

Hiiiii! It's 10 A.M. on Sunday, I just woke up. I think we can all see where I went to bed. Perhaps also we can all see where I took an ambien.


alex: your spelling and grammar in that drunken comment is even hotter than your name. and yes, we both appreciate it. Or at least, I do. That will go in the hall of fame with this comment Moonkiller wrote drunk once that's always sort of stuck in my heart.


It is possible
that all prior references to internet performance art
would pale in comparison
to last night's (well, it wasn't that long ago)
poetry slam.

Also, my spelling and grammar is
always wrong
but often
beautiful in its way.


lozo: Hugs and Kisses!


anonymous: Those are all fantastic ideas. Seriously. next time.


crystal: I know. I promise I'll try to deliver on at least two or three more deliverables for you this afternoon. Next time.

rocketdyke said...

wtf is going on here?

also, i like the vlogs. i even kind of like the word vlog, i mean, how is the word blog any better anyway? blog makes me think of blobs, like we're all just blobs in front of computers.

also, haviland, you have really nice hair. (thats not meant to be a come-on, like "i want to borrow your pencil", i just think you have nice hair.)

also, i told my friend shy he should write a colbert song, because he would be good at that, but i dont know if he will or not. im sure he'll be in touch if he does it.

MoonKiller said...

Terrible use of shoe. And it was said all wrong. Pfft. It probs only works in a welsh accent. And in awkward situations.

Talking of welsh accents Haviland sounds welsh when she says 'minging'.

Razia said...

Wow. Nuts, anyone?

I'm loving the VLOGs, although at first the accents shocked me. I don't know why but I forgot that people spoke differently everywhere.

anonymous riesophant said...

yes, riese, i've given up on being you already. one, short momentary blog post took a lot out of me. i feel like whoopi goldberg after patrick swayze jumped into her in ghost, all fukakta.

except there was no pottery wheel. dammit! maybe i'll try again.

haviland said...

come on's are ok, too...but thanks, re: my hair. riese says it's like a Disney princess. Which, maybe, it will be someday...

some day my princess will come? or something?

TB said...

i. Bravo w/r/t video-log.

ii. And here it is, from Thing Language:

This ocean, humiliating in its disguises
Tougher than anything.
No one listens to poetry. The ocean
Does not mean to be listened to. A drop
Or crash of water. It means

iia. Yay for recreational poetics.

iii. As for JK pronounced aloud--wouldn't that just be "jay kay"? I remember when you first said, "oh em gee!" I was like, whoa. Cause, both JK and OMG have the same # of syllables as their "unabbreviated" correlates ... therefore, their function fits the written word, but as for speech ... hmm. All I'm saying is hmm. Looking forward to the next installment.

riese said...

1. If I had the chance
to take something back
I would do this:

"shawdos" = shadows - I like this one kinda though
"miesry" = misery
"dearnes" = dreams (wtf self?!) (!!!!??!?) I mean ... (wtf self?)
"ergonyamic" = ergonomic or ergodynamic, really, either.
"it's tail" = its tail
"violet" = violent - I also like this one though
"waisted" = I'm not sure if I meant waited or wasted, but I sort of like this too. Waisted. Yeah, I'm at peace with that.

2. There's some unshared lines of unfinished verse on this text-edit pad I'm currently facing. About: limbs, geometry, the four of us, the four of us, the final four of us, four-square, dodgeball, fire/deisre, limbs replicating limbs, being everywhere at once, God. That's right, God with all the letters.

3. A brief statement to everyone who's asked as much: there are some deleted comments, if things don't make sense. They totes explain EVERYTHING. JK! They don't. But seriously, everything's great. Good. Fantastic.

4. rocketdyke: We are all just blobs in front of computers. Is "I want to borrow your pencil" a come-on? Because if so, I should have gotten A LOT MORE PLAY in elementary school, but totes didn't, was probs the awkwardness and the homosexuality.

If Shy writes that song, it would be effin' amazing. Seriously. I believe in his work and his ability to do it so I hope he does do it.

5.moonkiller: I agree, obvs, as I said "um, no!" and then "but that's okay" (muttered under my breath). There's a part where we talk about you being from Wales, but that's not on the video. What about crabsicles? How'd that go?

6.razia: I'll have a cashew and an almond. I know what you mean about the accents, like I forget how much that mitigates the way someone sounds to you until I start talking to someone with an accent and then I'm like "omg, wow."

7. anonymous riesophant: It almost looks like a riese-style elephant I guess, rather than a play on sycophant. Which I actually just spelled correctly, weird. But yeah. It was probs the underarm sweat that did it for ya. totes know the scene in Ghost, perfect analogy.

8. haviland: come ons without an apostrophe are ok, too. You totes have Belle-a-licious hair. Your princesses are coming ... they're coming ... coming ... coming ... um ... do you have a pencil I could borrow? I mean, um, can I borrow your pencil?

9. tuberculosis:

i. I remember when you first wrote "w/r/t." I was like, wtf? omg.

ii. white and aimless signals ...

iii. It's the thrill of hearing it spoken aloud. It is, really, quite thrilling.

Also ... JK doesn't have the same # of syllables as its spoken correlate. Booya. Though BRB -- which I also say -- does. And w/r/t "hmmm ..." ...

... "hmmm." etc. I guess it's just cute. Or something.

TB said...

Awesome. I'm retarded. I thought "JK" was short for "Joking," which itself could be short for "Just kidding." So in my head, it would be two syllables ... so yeah Marie, I should hope I'm not that bad at math.

Anyway, here's that poem:


rooms circle
over like birds

to the sound
(I imagine)
of fingers
falling in a cave
at the shadow
of a word

equating mirror
to manual
and one to oneliness
a portrayal

of parts of body
of speech
of edifice

the fire of another
and brush of violet hours

twilight rushing
past waves
to breathe under

without nuts, bolts
instruction manuals
or furniture

is a thing to be desired

lk said...
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riese said...

I would change the fact that blogger's time-stamps are totally bunk, because that really reduces potential true realisation of potential humor.

entonces i feel like the sunday top ten lo sientos, or something.

carlytron said...

these comments are all insane.
and i, too, might be seeing the spice girls.

that is all, carry on.