Monday, October 29, 2007

Commenter Awards: I Listen In, Yes I'm Guilty of This, You Should Know This

Tonight, Haviland and I will be filming our fourth VLOG, in which we'll be tap-dancing to the sound of iced tea being stirred and doing magic tricks -- I mean -- ILLUSIONS -- with live felines representing the full scale of Mac Operating Systems, e.g., Leopards and Tigers. Haviland will be making out with that girl from Heroes, which I've never seen. Also, there'll be flying lesbians, slam poetry, an affirmative action debate between Shane and Jordan Catalano, and a performance of the entire score of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, which luckily, I've been in. And also. Also. Also : eons ago, my Dad and brother took me golfing and, in order to ensure that all parties were exactly as miserable as I was, I performed the entire score of Joseph by myself, skipping lyrics I forgot, as we progressed from hole to hole. I was prepubescent and my voice was slightly better than it is now, which means it wouldn't necessarily kill you to hear it, but it might ruin your day, or your 18 holes.

Why this announcement? Because, unlike the first 4-5 lines of that paragraph, I was totes serious about the "comment of the week" thing I mentioned. But actually, it's "comment of the last two weeks." The auto-winner will receive ... um. Hm. Nothing? A link? Sometimes teevee people mail me things that I'm supposed to promote or talk about [read: tear to pieces and hate all over], and then I forget about it, I just like getting packages. I've got the first season of Dexter, the first season of Lesbian Sex and Sexuality, or um ... an autographed headshot of Haviland? A signed copy of Erotic Interludes 2: Stolen Moments, which I've got a really terrible terrible story in? But I bet the rest of the stories are really good, it's just mine, that's really bad. But um, I don't really need to give a prize actually. I dunno, what do you guys think? There's still a date with Lozo to give away. Eh, who needs a prize, the game is the fun part.

Also we need a judge, because I don't like judging things. Anyone wanna judge? The only requirement is that you be free around 9 P.M. Eastern Standard Time tonight -- 10.29.07 -- to provide your judgment. You can be anonymous if you want, and you can't make yourself the winner, unless you really deserve it. Email or comment, whatevs. If not, I've got some people I can cajole into doing it, so the show will go on.

Anyhow, we will read the top two winners out loud for your pleasure on tonight's vlog. Maybe we'll read all of them, who knows. If you'd like to nominate someone, please do so in the comments below. I don't really feel like going through them all right now, because I'm busy obvs, but just so you know, these are the posts with eligible comments: Why Don't We Get Hot and VLOG?, Great Mysteries of Life Ctd. , Whoever Creates a New Word For VLOG ..., Top 10 Harder Things, Top 8 Easier Things, and Sunday Top 10: I Just Wanna Be Bad.

Also. Also. Also. By "Best" I probs mean "most soundbyte-worthy." I dunno what I mean, actually, it doesn't matter, everything is meaningless.

I haven't gone through the comments at all, but I have cut and paste some into this little stickie on my desktop over the last two weeks [therefore; being excluded from this list is totes meaningless and reflective of nothing, nominate away] ... but some that are already in the running, fo-sho:

stef, re: Great Mysteries of Life #2
"i thought of an unanswerable question today: who the fuck are all the cab drivers talking to on their cell phones all day? each other? is it like the party line of cab drivers? is it like the telephone hour on bye bye birdie? like HIII ACHMED! HIII MOHAMMAD! WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? WHAT'S THE TALE, NIGHTENGALE? DID YOU HEAR ABOUT HUGO AND KIM!??!?! srsly now."
re: Harder Things
"things that are easier than most people think they'd be: me after a couple of drinks. OHHH."
"a;ex vega," re: Whoever Creates a New Word For Vlog
"Dear riese and haviland,

i watched your va-log (kinda sounds short for "vaagina monologues" eh?) for a seocnde time. this time i was a little durnk,
i ejoyed it even more tahn the fist time. aaand i thought you'd appreciat e that in some wierd wa.y
am i correct? yes?

sincerely forever,

Lozo, re: "I Just Want to Be Bad"
"Just like every other comment thread here, it breaks down into a discussion about sodomy. It's why I come back."

MeL, re: "I Just Want to Be Bad"
"Also? I enjoy the penis quite thoroughly, but I would still lick your face if I happened to be next to you on the subway. (If I happened to be in New York.) I bet you taste like tapioca pudding."
Moonkiller, re: "Harder Things"
"I hate it when people mess you around when your trying to get coffee. It's like I just want my coffee please and thank you, make Rhian wait and Rhian'll make you bleed. It doesn't help that they're all like Russian and don't understand what your saying they're all 'Do want any space in your coffee?' and then obvs I'm like 'Noooo' and they come back with 'So, space yes?'

A'ight. Get on it.


dagny said...

tricks are what whores do for money

stef said...

oh! oh! if i win i want an autographed headshot of haviland.

riese said...

Apparently no one wants the first season of Dexter badly enough to nominate comments, that's fine, me and Michael C. Hall, we don't need you, any of you.

Also, dagny, NICE G.O.B.

And Stef, just try to decide if you want to wait for the new headshot, or if you're ok with the old one. It's your call, obvs, should such a thing be necessary.

caitlinmae said...

I nominate rocketdyke on "harder things"

maybe you guys can start a new feature in the comments on lozo's blog called "smart or not" and rate the commenters. or "twatwaffle or not" or something. "still lives at home or not". you know, along those lines. just to elevate the discourse.

word veri-
dj fat.

Lozo said...

you see, he had his dick IN the custard. he was fucking THIS custard. god.

rs27 said...

I don't want to nominate. I vote for Stef to win. The whole cabby thing is so true.

It's funny because it's true.

Not that every cab driver is name Ahmed or Mohammed, but the basic premise of the comment is funny.

Some cabbies are named Robbie.

kate said...

when i was eight my parents refused to buy me a walkman so i spent a four hour family car ride singing the songs from jesus christ superstar. i had a walkman before the trip back.

I think you and haviland should vlog joseph – in the style of living it out. with puppets.

also, an apology. your country’s lack of ability to process a visa in a timely manner has meant that the time I previously had for commenting was taken over by paralysing panic.

is 9pm est in about two hours? i am biased and i find inappropriate things funny. maybe as a last resort…

MeL said...

OOOH I made the running!

... I guess I should clarify that I *like* tapioca pudding. Otherwise, it might sound like I am saying your face would taste like crap.

I mean, if I'm going to go around licking strangers on the subway, I really ought to at least enjoy the experience.

I really have no use for a prize, though. Unless you can find me a thong that says "3 drink minimum".

alex vega said...

Stef has my vote. Of course.

Though I really appreciate that nomination.
I worked really hard for this, you know?

p.s. wheres the vlog dammit, I wanna see gold pants!

basia said...

seriously. i'm waiting for the flying lesbians.

Crystal said...

I agree with Kate and her suggestion of a Joseph puppet rendition. I performed in Joseph too, I was an Ishmaelite. Also [etc], I can't decide, so I'm going to put in a dummy vote for the snowboard.

Lozo said...

no vlog? i'm fuckin' dis custard.

caitlinmae said...

i stage managed joseph.
is this like the largest coalition of former andrew lloyd webber performers EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET?

probs not.

riese said...

cm: done and done.
lozo: Hey, not funny called, it says it wants to talk to that joke, and it's in the custard or something. I dunno, I coudn't follow.
rs27: LOLed at "some cabbies are named Robbie."
kate: I used to do that with "RENT." You are on deck for the next guest judging position.
MeL: I love tapioca pudding, no need to explain.
alex vega: You always work hard, dear, and we apprec;ate that.
p.s. wheres your vlog dammit, I wanna see gold shorts!
Basia: Me too.
Crystal: I have no idea where or how "Joseph" fits into your life story. I agree about the snowboard.
Lozo: I'm fuckin' dis oil.
Caitlinmae: Perhaps that is the secret tie that binds us all together. I think is you put an "unlikely" between "of" and "former," you might have a good point.

riese said...

Also, if I'd written "if" instead of "is," I would've had a much better point.

Crystal said...

I didn't realise we were talking the actual Webber production, yeah, no way I was in that, although I used to want to be as a kid, I got to see it once and loved it.

My 'Joseph' was this Rock for Charity thing where they rounded up all of these has-been musicians and bastardised Webbers version with heavy amplifiers to raise money for homeless kids. The 'season' was two weeks. One of my bands were involved and I was somehow roped into performing as well. I still remember all of the words to Jacob & Sons, which has been stuck in my head since my last comment and driving me nuts.