Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Wednesday Deli Blogging: TWO


Hello! This is your friend Mr. Deli with your Wednesday Deli Blog. I am writing this with some reservations because I have noticed that Riese has cheated on me not once but twice this week with the other corner deli.

Let me begin with a story. Around midnight last Friday night, a guy wearing a shirt he must have stolen from Jay Manuel of America's Next Top Model set an 6-pack of Gatorade Juice Boxes on my counter with the intent to purchase (I cannot imagine why he wanted this item, no one has ever selected it before, it's been collecting dust with Summer's Eve in the "Suburban Mother" section of the deli). After I told him the price (8.99), he changed his mind and said it was "absurd." I glanced at Riese, who was, per usual, patiently waiting her turn in line, and realized that she has never complained about the prices or failed to pony up. This is why I think she is probably very wealthy.

Some items which Riese has purchased this week for godawful, ridiculously inflated prices:

-4.99 for a wheel of Light Original Swiss spreadable cheese.
-4.99 for another wheel of Light Original Swiss spreadable cheese only a few days later.
-5.99 for a 6-pack of instant oatmeal.
-2.25 for a 16-oz bottle of green tea
-10.00 for a 6-pack of Amstel Light.
-She might be considering another wheel of Light Original Swiss spreadable cheese right now--

HEY WAIT.

This is Marie. I am interrupting this particular post, just like George W. Bush did this morning with The View. This is not the first time that he's done this. I'd like to blame G.W. for beginning a spiral of insanity that continued throughout the day. And also, clearly he hates gay people. I mean, Jesus! Couldn't he have interrupted Rachel Ray? Who wants meatballs at 10:30 am? I know I don't. After all, I'm usually already hard at work trying to write a story and 35 e-mails simultaneously and so not in the mood for freakin' spaghetti dinner. GOD, I haven't even checked myspace yet today!

First of all though, please check out the latest sidewalk square in my long walk to fame:

MY BIG INTERVIEW ON SUSIE BRIGHT'S BLOG FOR THE BEST AMERICAN EROTICA OF 2007

You can also go on audible.com and download Susie reading my story and listen to it on your ipod!


"You know, Jules, there is the brink of insanity and then there is the abyss, which obviously you have fallen into!" (St. Elmo's Fire)

Signs that you have fallen into the abyss, at least for a few hours:

-Directly after texting Haviland to tell her you are losing your mind and you need to be surgically removed from your ibook, someone runs a plane into a building. You panic. For you, panic means running three miles on the treadmill because you can't tear yourself away from the TV or stop channel flipping to get as much coverage of this incident as possible. In fact, you are almost certain the world is ending, and continue to glare at the girl next to you who is watching--of all things!--a Project Runway marathon. Seriously. FIRE, we're talking about actual FIRE.

-You get through your commute to 42nd street and back (long story, of which I've already shared far too many on this blog) by listening to "Ave Maria" on repeat and imagining your life to be on it's last frame of passionate dissolution and despair (this technique was used successfully in "The West Wing"), which makes you really happy.


-Verizon Lady: Please tell me how I can help you. For example, if you want to pay your bill, please say: Bill Payment.
You: THE INTERNET ISN'T WORKING.
Verizon Lady: I think you said "View bill payment options." Is this correct?
You: NO, it's not, you stupid twat! I want to talk to someone! A PERSON!
Verizon lady: I think you said "New Account." Is this correct?
You: OPERATOR!!!
Verizon Lady: I think you said "View my balance." Is this correct?
You: CAN I FUCKING TALK TO A HUMAN BEING OR PRESS A GODDAMN BUTTON? PLEASE?!!!

-This is the 4,567th time you have gone into the rain without an umbrella in Manhattan.

-You still get a Tasti-D-Lite cone. It gets rained on. You give it to a homeless person wearing a poncho which clearly is better in the weather than your hoodie.

-Your white hoodie.

-You go home and blog about it.

-Stephanie, I am drinking Apple Cider Vinegar out of the bottle. The idea behind this is that my hair will become healthy and also all other elements of my body and soul will enter a state of perfect bliss. This is how nice Stephanie's hair looks, and she used to get paid to let people slaughter her hair for magazines and advertisements:

I took that photo. I am Nigel Barker.

(I'd also like to add that I think the prices at the deli are ridiculous, but I pay them anyhow because I am irresponsible and financially retarded. Also that cheese is really good.)

8 comments:

Lizzie said...

since you are nigel barker, can we please have sex?

marie lyn bernard said...

um, obviously.

p.s. don't you feel like nigel is a total slut, but in a good way? his old photos, which they show from time to time, are like, fucking hot as hell.

Haviland said...

ok, $10 for amstel light is GOOD in NYC. I paid $12 for the 6 pack that is stlll sitting in my fridge from your birthday...I thought, "oh, girls like amstel light, right?" someone needs to come over and drink it soon. seriously.

steph said...

hair! slaughter! beer! riesey! yay!

Z. Madison said...

sub Time Warner for Verizon and you've repeated my monthly screamfest verbatium.

Anonymous said...

i can't believe there's amstellight in this city that can'tfind a taker. such a travesty.just drink it already!@#$

marie lyn bernard said...

personally, that 10-buck 6-pack o'mine---although i honestly only had one, it was gone within 24 hours. Bring it here and watch it dissapear...yes..bring it uptown...you know...MY place...hmmmm

and z: yes. what is wrong with these places? who told them we wanted to talk? it's baffling to me. BAFFLING.

yes! riese! hair! cookeis!

Bill said...

You crack me up....