Thursday, October 19, 2006

So Ask me Questions, Why am I So Real?

Dear Riese,

I thought your name was Marie.

Yours Truly,
Crispin Glover

Dear CG,

Not anymore, sucker! This all started in 1981 when I was born and my parents named me Clark Kent Marie. My Mom usually called me "Pumpkin-Head" or "Ree-Ree," and one fine day in 1997 at Interlochen Arts Academy, Krista overheard my visiting mother calling me Ree-Ree and began calling me "Ris" which is spelled "Ris" (we had a lot of white-board communication in boarding school) but pronounced "Reese."

Haviland started calling me Ris right from the start. I don't have a lot of friends, so she accounts for like, 50% of my verbal communication with other humans, so I just started using it with all the humans I talk to, because I think it suits me better. I mean, I'm not a "Marie." Marie is so proper, you know?

Also, then I bought a company called 'Riese Restaurants.' I've been chowing down at "Shady Jake's Bar-B-Que N'Booze" for, like, ever-ever because they've got all my fave foods: Carolina Ribs, Pulled Pork AND Baked Beans!1 But really, it was my love of "TGI Fridays" and "Pizza Hut" that really inspired me to buy the chain. What can I say, it's been a match made in heaven! So then I changed by name to make it easier for those boozehounds from "Tequillaville" to stop calling me "Mami."

Dear Riese,

Since you are clearly a pimp, I would like to ask you this: What do you do when you have a guest in your bed (a boyfriend/girlfriend, or perhaps a new "friend" or someone you are "dating") and you wake up at 2AM and realize your intestines are begging you: "Let us out of here! To the bathroom, soldier! Vomit time!" What is the best way to handle this without totally grossing out my partner?

Yours Truly,
Drunk n' Disorderly

Dear DND,

Funny you should ask, DND, I was in this exact situation last night! Although I hadn't anticipated the upheaval of all the organs of my stomach and the various Eggo waffle-and-topping combos I refer to as "dinner" when I rolled over for sleep, we had already passed into that time of night called "lets be real here, cuddling ain't practical" and therefore my sleeping partner did not even notice my 50 trips to the bathroom. Also, I believe, she had possibly taken some ambien, which I had stolen from my soon-to-be-departed roommate. That brings me to the number one rule of how to deal with this:

1. Drug your Partner.

Which reminds me of another night, in the summer of 2003, when I was somehow like, poisoned or something, and called Scot from the Diag (GO BLUE, Y'ALL!!!) and told him I was losing my mind, and he came over to politely facilitate my night of sickness. Around four A.M, I woke up for another trip to the bathroom to see Scot sitting on the roof, smoking all my pot. Whatever gets you through the night, baby.

Also---and this isn't to say that I'm a drunk, but rather just a girl who often overestimates her stomach's capacity for abuse---after a nerve (dot com) party in November 2005, I got ABSURDLY sick and I was certain that my male guest would FLEE as soon as he was sober enough to leave my apartment. He had a nice resume (Ivy league, artist, rent controlled apartment in the village) and therefore could do better. However, not only did he NOT flee, but he officially overstayed his welcome the next morning AND called me about ten thousand times.

Which just goes to show you--obviously men dig that shit. Damsel in distress, etc.

2. They Dig That Shit.

Dear Riese,

Your friends are HOT. Tell me, exactly, how hot are they?

Yours Truly,
Horny in Idaho

Dear HII,

Here's how hot:
1. Les Miserables, featuring the lovely and talented Haviland Stillwell, opens on Broadway at the Broadhurst Theather on November 8th. You should buy tickets now, because Haviland is HOT. And Norm Lewis will (unintentionally) probably make you cream in your pants. Seriously. He's fucking sexy.
2. Stephanie is the main attraction at this super sexy seductress' fashion designer's website, Bruce Glenn dot com.
3. Our favorite globetrotter, Natalie Raaber, is in town for an exclusive week-long engagement. If you'd like to meet the woman who I have raved about in the past, (June 3rd: 'Natalie is the master of "I feel like", September 17th: 'Natalie Raaber can read coursepacks on the elliptical trainer), then come to her party. This is not an invitation for my stalkers, or for my friends' stalkers (Hav won't be there, stalkers, she's in tech), but rather to all my friends and Natalie's friends.

xo Riese

1Um, EW. I hate all of those things, especially any meat that resembles the animal it came from, esp. if that animal is a pig. Kosher, y'all!


wasted sleeper said...

Dear Riese,
If you don't wake up when your date or girlfriend/boyfriend is ralphing in the bathroom because you yourself are completely and totally wasted on vodka, whiskey, 2 kids of champagne, controlled substances, candy, and handfulls of kasha crackers, are you a bad partner?

marie lyn bernard said...

Dear wasted sleeper,

No, then you are quite lovely, like Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, The Princess and the Pea, etc. Being sick is not a show I want my friends to see. Though most of them have. At least the real ones. Ha.


New York Punk said...

pumpkin that a compliment or a put-down? atleast, you wont need a costume for halloween.

marie lyn bernard said...

I think it's a compliment, because personally, I feel like my head is more of a squash? I think she liked the way the word "pumpkin" sounds. Pump. Kin.

Haviland said...

Dear Riese,

Thanks for the shout out! I have to say, mounting DRV for the purposes of art is pretty hot. And also, dressing like a boy. Tres Sarah Waters. And as for Norm Lewis...he's only the beginning. As far as heat goes, there is no shortness of fi-uh at the Broadhurst.

Barricade Climber

noxious said...

I agree with you about the name. My mother went from Victoria (doesn't get much prissier than that) to Ariel. I'm probably going to change my name, dunno what to yet, but something less.... common... slash associated with the bible... (it's Rachel) my roommate thinks I should switch to West, but I think that might be a little too much like, Paris, or Apple....

marie lyn bernard said...

Rachelology: the study of relatively wealthy Jewish ladies born between the years of 1979-1986.

Actually, I am preparing a Rachel/Lauren blog for the near future, all about how everyone is named Rachel and lauren that i've ever known ever. You can be in it! Yay for Rachels!

On Friendster, some Jewish boys have entire pages of Rachels.

But, you know, you could take it back. You of the younger generation. Re-claim it.

I love the name West, though, and it reminds me of the girl in the "ElleGirl" high school monthly stories thing named West. I think. Also there was the girl with the boyfriend named "Ever." So that's something.