A Life is Waiting to Carry You Home, Everywhere You Look

I crossed one leg over the other, dipped my baguette cracker in my caviar spreadable cheese and told The Potential (I'll call her "Aniya" for purposes of identity concealment. Cool fake name, right? Yeah it is.) "This really isn't, you know, like, typical. It's like we're performing." The show is called: "Young Manhattanites Wind Down After a Day at Work." I'm sure Getty has an image for this event..ah yes. Here's one:

"I've never even been here before," Janet (her part in the show was "The Friend, like Phoebe") added, taking a drink of her Dom Perignom Yellowtail White Wine.

But there we were, drinking wine in the smoky air, watching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip¹ , like people who often: 1. have mutual friends over, 2. are stoned (actually I haven't been stoned in about two months, FYI, mom, the police, etc.), 3. watch television shows together on purpose, 4. have a suspiciously uptight twat wandering in and out of the room announcing her intentions to barter various pieces of furniture to random suckers via craigslist.
I think we're gonna take Aniya. But, I was thinking for the future, it would be easiest (for me) to just, you know, make a quiz. For compatability. Like they did in college to pick your freshman roommate. ("I prefer to study: a)with music on, b)in silence, c)never, d)drunk") Obvs I had a single in college.

The correct answers are in red.

1. I am sitting in front of my laptop, typing. You should:
a) Talk to me
b) Totally not talk to me.

2. Can I borrow your belt?
a)yes
b) no

3. Do you want a glass of wine?
a) yes
b) no
c) riese, it's haviland, you know i don't drink.

4. What is your feeling about a cleaning schedule?
a) That's kid stuff
b) No, I clean constantly and therefore I do not need one. However, I expect you to be aware of when a room has surpassed my personal standards of clutter and clean it yourself, otherwise I'll go crazy and throw stuff on your bed.
c) Sounds like a great way to be sure the house is cleaned weekly without causing any conflicts or passive aggressive based initiatives!
5. I have a friend over who, when I ask her to be quiet because I am concerned she could wake you up, responds by announcing "I don't care, I'll fuck her. I'll fuck her with a strap-on. I'll fuck her so hard!" You:
a) get naked and knock on my door
b) laugh to yourself
c) call a friend and laugh to them
d) move out
e)masturbate
f) feel homophobic
g) all of the above, except f

6. Which of the following best describes your life philosophy:
a) "I don't believe in guilt, I believe in living on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, and don't judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free." (Angelina Jolie)
c) "Bad company ruins good morals" (the Bible)
d) "Politeness is the flower of humanity." (June Jordan)
e) "It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy...Let's go exploring!" (Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes")
f) "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" (whoever)
g) "You shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive." (Van Wilder, "National Lampoon's Van Wilder")
g) "This is a four thousand dollar sofa upholstered in Italian silk. It is NOT just a couch." (Carolyn, "American Beauty")
h) "If I had a million dollars, I'd relax. I'd sit on my ass all day. I'd do nothing." (Peter, "Office Space")

7. Did you eat all the cookie dough chunks out of my ice cream?
a) no (clearly lying)
b) no (truth)
c) yes (truth), but I already bought you a new pint, with all it's parts intact!


8. You have just finished a meal. What do you do with your dish?
a) leave the dish, food residue attached, in the sink with no plans to clean it within the next 24 hours.
b) leave the dish, rinsed free of food residue, in the sink with no plans to clean it within the next 24 hours. If I end up cleaning it, that's fine, I'm sure you've washed one of my dishes before, too.
c) throw it at me
d) clean it
e) leave the dish, rinsed free of food residue, in the sink with plans to clean it when you are sober or not in a hurry or not tired.

9. Something is wrong with the internet. Will you call Verizon for me please?
a) yes
b) no

10. Is it okay if I put my desk in the living room? You can do whatever you want in there, I understand by putting my desk in a common area, I am submitting myself to possible bad television, music, company, strippers, food, and people doing drugs.
a) sure!
b) no.

11. Can I have a bite of that?
a) yes, take it all, i'm so fat.
b) sure you can.
c) no.


¹(Important Sidenote: Yes I love the show. Yes Sorkin is back Yes I loved the West Wing Yes I love Bradley Whitford Yes that's based on Kristen Chenowith maybe but not really Yessssyes Yes yesyueyesysyeyssys stop asking me about it! We've already talked about it. That's right, we've allllll talked about it. It's officially ALREADY OVER as a cocktail party conversation. Or a dinnertable conversation. I don't even have a goddamn dinner table I eat on the couch.)

side note 2: Mr. Deli is out of town. He was making the reservations on his cell phone instead of ringing me up, and the impatient lottery players said: "What's he doin'? Makin' some plane reservations? Ring this girl UP!" (frustrated sigh) "These guys think they own the goddamn country." (yeah, seriously, they said that!)