Monday, October 23, 2006

Sunday Top 10: We Want and Want Yeah, We Want

First off, I know it's not Sunday but I'm doing the "Sunday Top Ten" as if it actually was Sunday. Recently, actually at 10 A.M. a few days ago, Maggie said something interesting to me while eyeing a salacious glass of Pinot Grigio: "Maybe I should just like, fly somewhere in a different time zone, where it's night-time, and I can start drinking there and then come back here in time for night?"

So, simmer on that.

When Natalie lived in Manhattan last year, she managed to work out at New York Sports Club approximately 3-4 times a week for a period of five months without purchasing an actual membership. She also did not purchase a printer to print out the free one-week passes she procured via e-mail (my not-so-trusty Epson CX 6400 is often mistaken to be "Office Depot" by my printer-deprived friends (also, they sometimes go to the actual "Office Depot")) and subsequently presented at every NYSC location on the goddamn island.

These grand swindles, which I never do myself because I'm pretty sure I'd be that crazy girl who got herself "escorted" out of the "facilities," are pulled off by Natalie with complete finesse. Perhaps that is because she is charming and I am insufferable. Although the two of us pulled off the joining-the-health-club in Michigan as a lesbian couple trick (even though I was dating a male gym employee at the time), which was notable.1

NR's latest feat? For the last several months she has been living in London and using a MacBook by taking advantage of the Apple Store's two week return policy. She would take one, use it, email herself the files and return it. Get a new one. Rinse, Repeat--at the London apple store, they even knew her, and had her brand new rental available upon her arrival. She is now doing this in NYC, thanks to that lovely Apple Store.



"You know how you're pretty sure there's like, just one thing that you need that probably is the reason you can't move forward in your life (aka get a job, get a life, etc), and if you just had it, everything would change? That's how I felt about like, faster internet, and thus, the MacBook."-Natalie

And that's how I feel about a sundae cup, right now, but both delis on my blocks are out of sundae cups.

TEN THINGS THAT I NEED BEFORE I CAN POSSIBLY GET MY LIFE OFF THE GROUND, I MEAN, I NEED THESE THINGS, REALLY:

10. MacBook: I gave birth to my ibook 1.75 years ago. Now it's all worn out, I mean, the keys have no letters. All the cool kids have a Mac Book. Photo-Booth is possibly even a better invention than EasyMac. The lighting in this camera is really just divine! Look at what I did with Natalie's MacBook for approximately 45 minutes too long!:



9. New Teeth: White shiny ones. Or whatever. Veneers. Braces with purple rubber bands. Somethin'. Make me sparkle.This photograph could turn you on. I don't know why, but the same thing happened to me, so you don't need to be ashamed.

8. A desk that isn't in my bedroom. My bed beckons. Perhaps I ought to change into sweatpants. Perhaps that could be the thing. Perhaps another room would be the thing, or perhaps an eggo waffle. Let me go into the other room and think about that waffle. I shut my door behind me, pointed like a radar for the syrup.

7. Blackberry/Treo To avoid more phone calls by writing more emails. Possible side effect: re-orientation of obsessive on-the-brink-of-heart-attack energies into breakable cold gadget, but who am I kidding? I'm alive, I'm lightning! Bring on the heart palpitations!

6. To Be Eloise: I think my life would be best executed at the Plaza, like Eloise. I would like to eat pudding from goblets, I would like a nanny, I would like a tricycle garage, I would like to swing my feet. Like Eloise, but older, and less adorable.

5. A Sidekick: Not the T-Mobile kind, because something about T-Mobile has always seemed a little impotent to me, but someone in tights to handle the tough things. Like: calling Verizon, organizational things, fixing broken things, preparing large parties, laundry, going to balls, massage, taking me to the park, telling me I'm pretty, flying, seeing through walls, etc. Basically what I need is Bat Girl with a splash of Donna from 'The West Wing." LovinLyman.

4. A job that pays me a lot of money A wealthy husband or wife who takes a lot of vacations. Like, is almost always on vacation. Almost as if they didn't exist at all. Except to give me back massages and feed me grapes. Or actually, get someone else for the grapes, and someone else for the back massages.

3.These Shoes. I'm not kidding. Channukah. Size 9.5.

2.A Samantha Doll Oh wait. That's what I wanted when I was eight. And I GOT IT, BITCHES!!!
1. A DVD player that records screenshots: I'm gonna re-cap 'The L Word: Season 4' on this blog when the new season starts, which will undoubtedly grab the Grand Prize for "How to Consume As Much of your Life as Possible on Fuckin' Blogger Dot Com," which is the top horseman of my backwards race away from Ultimate Glory, but also, is a short term fix, like tricycle trips.



1 The "Lesbians are Families Too" amendment to the constitution of overpriced membership at our Michigan Athletic Club was prompted by a lesbian couple who didn't understand why other serious non-married couples could be on a family membership but they could not. Who was that couple? My Mother, and [redacted]. My Mom: Crusading for Gay Rights/Bargains like Debbie Navatni, even before it was trendy to do so.

13 comments:

Z. Madison said...

omg, i lusted after the samantha doll back in the day. unlike you, i never got her. i'm sure it's scarred me for life.

hot shoes.

jenna said...

marie marie!

1.5 years and two hard drive replacements later, i sold my ibook and bought a macbookpro, affectionately known as mpb! (the ! is crucial) - and well... she's amazing. i'm way toooo in debt now, but she's amazing.

my point.... DOOO IT!

Noxious said...

I want those shoes, too. Size 10 tho.

marie lyn bernard said...

z: 8th birthday present. I felt rich all over, because i had been saving up my two dollar a week allowance to buy the doll myself, so when I got it I was like, holy shit, what am I gonna do with that seventy dollar bank I got in my secret drawer?

jenna: omg, the lust is evolving. but i'm already way in debt...is it worth it? i better go to apple.com and debate.

noxious: I can do a size 10. In fact, I often do. When we get married, we can share a pair?

jenna said...

it is sooooo worth it! photobooth, alone, is worth it. but add ilife, eblog instant publishing, the sleek new design and super light weight shell... ohmygod.

ohohoh!!! and the keyboard lights up if you're in a dark room. okay. maybe i'm the only one who is entertained by such things, but still.

anyway. peer pressure... DO ITTTT!

Noxious said...

Yes, let's.

nar said...

who is this natalie?! she is a genius! errr. or maybe crazy. i can't decide.

nar said...

what i do, however, know is the following:

MLB is a witty, got-a-great-sense-of-style gal (the shoes!)

I heart Liberty. Mainly because it brings back fond memories of me and marie--and adderall. but mainly marie.

MLB is talented like none other. okay, maybe not quite as talented as...ummm, errrr, ahhh...nope. she's up there.

i too yearn for a samantha doll--bc, I DIDN'T get one when i was younger...hmmm. that's probably why i have to do things like exploit apple's 2 week return policy to feel good about myself

haviland is fantastic!

marie, my love, I am damn lucky to be your friend. you are kind and understanding and patient. wait, no you are not. JUST kidding. you are all of those things--and so much more. thank you, always.

NAR said...

I LOVE THIS GIRL!

marie lyn bernard said...

who is this natalie? is she "NAR"? is she....about 7-10 feet away from me right now, eminating love vibes?

i love NAR for many reasons, and one of them is her using my blogger comments much like an online high school yearbook where she can share her love for me. i also love her macbook. i can't believe hse has to return it today, i'm getting seperation anxiety.

jenna, you are right, i'm going to have to just get one.

steph said...

i liked micro machines

marie lyn bernard said...

omg, i love me some micro machines. fo'r eal.

exitseraphim said...

well, i have the shoes, but you have to get your own ;)