Sunday Top 10: We Want and Want Yeah, We Want

First off, I know it's not Sunday but I'm doing the "Sunday Top Ten" as if it actually was Sunday. Recently, actually at 10 A.M. a few days ago, Maggie said something interesting to me while eyeing a salacious glass of Pinot Grigio: "Maybe I should just like, fly somewhere in a different time zone, where it's night-time, and I can start drinking there and then come back here in time for night?"

So, simmer on that.

When Natalie lived in Manhattan last year, she managed to work out at New York Sports Club approximately 3-4 times a week for a period of five months without purchasing an actual membership. She also did not purchase a printer to print out the free one-week passes she procured via e-mail (my not-so-trusty Epson CX 6400 is often mistaken to be "Office Depot" by my printer-deprived friends (also, they sometimes go to the actual "Office Depot")) and subsequently presented at every NYSC location on the goddamn island.

These grand swindles, which I never do myself because I'm pretty sure I'd be that crazy girl who got herself "escorted" out of the "facilities," are pulled off by Natalie with complete finesse. Perhaps that is because she is charming and I am insufferable. Although the two of us pulled off the joining-the-health-club in Michigan as a lesbian couple trick (even though I was dating a male gym employee at the time), which was notable.¹

NR's latest feat? For the last several months she has been living in London and using a MacBook by taking advantage of the Apple Store's two week return policy. She would take one, use it, email herself the files and return it. Get a new one. Rinse, Repeat--at the London apple store, they even knew her, and had her brand new rental available upon her arrival. She is now doing this in NYC, thanks to that lovely Apple Store.



"You know how you're pretty sure there's like, just one thing that you need that probably is the reason you can't move forward in your life (aka get a job, get a life, etc), and if you just had it, everything would change? That's how I felt about like, faster internet, and thus, the MacBook."-Natalie

And that's how I feel about a sundae cup, right now, but both delis on my blocks are out of sundae cups.

TEN THINGS THAT I NEED BEFORE I CAN POSSIBLY GET MY LIFE OFF THE GROUND, I MEAN, I NEED THESE THINGS, REALLY:

10. MacBook: I gave birth to my ibook 1.75 years ago. Now it's all worn out, I mean, the keys have no letters. All the cool kids have a Mac Book. Photo-Booth is possibly even a better invention than EasyMac. The lighting in this camera is really just divine! Look at what I did with Natalie's MacBook for approximately 45 minutes too long!:



9. New Teeth: White shiny ones. Or whatever. Veneers. Braces with purple rubber bands. Somethin'. Make me sparkle.This photograph could turn you on. I don't know why, but the same thing happened to me, so you don't need to be ashamed.

8. A desk that isn't in my bedroom. My bed beckons. Perhaps I ought to change into sweatpants. Perhaps that could be the thing. Perhaps another room would be the thing, or perhaps an eggo waffle. Let me go into the other room and think about that waffle. I shut my door behind me, pointed like a radar for the syrup.

7. Blackberry/Treo To avoid more phone calls by writing more emails. Possible side effect: re-orientation of obsessive on-the-brink-of-heart-attack energies into breakable cold gadget, but who am I kidding? I'm alive, I'm lightning! Bring on the heart palpitations!

6. To Be Eloise: I think my life would be best executed at the Plaza, like Eloise. I would like to eat pudding from goblets, I would like a nanny, I would like a tricycle garage, I would like to swing my feet. Like Eloise, but older, and less adorable.

5. A Sidekick: Not the T-Mobile kind, because something about T-Mobile has always seemed a little impotent to me, but someone in tights to handle the tough things. Like: calling Verizon, organizational things, fixing broken things, preparing large parties, laundry, going to balls, massage, taking me to the park, telling me I'm pretty, flying, seeing through walls, etc. Basically what I need is Bat Girl with a splash of Donna from 'The West Wing." LovinLyman.

4. A job that pays me a lot of money A wealthy husband or wife who takes a lot of vacations. Like, is almost always on vacation. Almost as if they didn't exist at all. Except to give me back massages and feed me grapes. Or actually, get someone else for the grapes, and someone else for the back massages.

3.These Shoes. I'm not kidding. Channukah. Size 9.5.

2.A Samantha Doll Oh wait. That's what I wanted when I was eight. And I GOT IT, BITCHES!!!
1. A DVD player that records screenshots: I'm gonna re-cap 'The L Word: Season 4' on this blog when the new season starts, which will undoubtedly grab the Grand Prize for "How to Consume As Much of your Life as Possible on Fuckin' Blogger Dot Com," which is the top horseman of my backwards race away from Ultimate Glory, but also, is a short term fix, like tricycle trips.



¹ The "Lesbians are Families Too" amendment to the constitution of overpriced membership at our Michigan Athletic Club was prompted by a lesbian couple who didn't understand why other serious non-married couples could be on a family membership but they could not. Who was that couple? My Mother, and [redacted]. My Mom: Crusading for Gay Rights/Bargains like Debbie Navatni, even before it was trendy to do so.