Recap: Naked on the Internet Panel

Just talked to T-Mobile: the thief downloaded games onto my phone. Apparently this's a gift in disguise as the games'll be mine when I retrieve my "SIM card" or whatevs? I hope it's Trivial Pursuit or "a game called reading great works of literature." Games on phones? Seriously? How bored is this guy? I mean, doesn't he have other stuff to steal?


[L to R: Waking Vixen/Audacia Ray, Marie Lyn Bernard/Muppet Monkey Face, Lux Nightmare, Madeline in the Mirror, Ellen Fredrichs.]

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i. The Red Carpet, 5:45 P.M.:

TB: Do you get nervous about public speaking?
Me: No. That's the problem. I don't get nervous enough. I just say whatever comes into my head, like whatever crazy shit I think'd be funny or cool, I've been told I have weird public speaking tics ... hand gestures, etc ... And that I play with my hair a lot. I'm generally impossible to watch, is what I think.

[Things I didn't do that I was scared I might do: mention anyone specifically, talk about my personal sex life, be totally snarky/annoying, talk too much, employ off-color humor, drink beforehand, play with my hair a lot, laugh inappropriately, talk about crazy exes/crazy self.]

[Something else I didn't do: mention the name of my blog or anything else that woulda given me self-promotional benefits. Whoops. That's okay. I did it for fun! Actually, it was fun. I love talking about this kind of stuff. Seriously. Besides! FIVE present peoples already link to me: Waking Vixen, Jayme Waxman, RKB, my girlfriend and Steph, so I auto-won like, 5% of the room already!]

[I didn't do anything annoying, my friends said I was clever and funny and said good things/made good points, and ... and ... I actually agree with them ... I think.]

[Is this what it's like to go to class having done the reading? I mean, I read the book! I read the whole thing!]

I wore a cute outfit. My lucky cowboy boots, lucky black dress, etc.

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"My most solitary endeavor--blogging--was responsible for bringing me to the darkest places in my Internet travails, because it brought me deeper into my own head. Ironically, it also brought me the most comfort and community with other women. Perhaps this is because many women come to blogging--especially sex and relationship blogging--with a sense of restlessness, aloneness, and the general frustration of being misunderstood--plus a serious compulsion to write."
-Audacia Ray, Naked on the Internet

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ii. my first

6:45 P.M.:

We take the W train to Union Square, because we're retarded. Waking Vixen'd asked me to arrive @MoSex by 6:30. Obvs it was 6:45. This was karmic timing, 'cause we ultimately emerged via R-train at 28th street, just as Stephanie was walking by, en route to the reading.

[Summer 2004: "When people ask how I met you [Stephanie], I tell them we met in Union Square. Because we did. I just leave out the part beforehand--you know. The craigslist part." Old-School Auto-Win fans may remember Stephanie from September /October /November. In her East Village apartment that '04 summer, though, before I knew anyone--before I knew myself: a futon, Thai take-out, whirring air conditioner, space thick with smoke, Radiohead. I thought, there's people out there like me who are also afraid of people, afraid to leave their cave, but also beautiful and interesting and cool and fun. We had a few incarnations in each other's lives, and I was super-happy when she told me she'd be coming, as I haven't seen her since December.]

stephanie. met on internet, july '04.

Stephanie: What're you gonna talk about?
Me: No clue.

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This's me making Waking Vixen laugh.
She's like "Ha! I'm so glad I invited this totes weirdo to my panel!"
Probs everyone was laughing, that's how funny I am.
JK. Probs the panel and my friends were laughing.

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iii. Represent.

My posse of young 'uns on the far left of the room are the coolest kids in school. First off ...

7 p.m.: Panel begins.

7:05 p.m.: TB arrives, after enjoying a cigarette outside.

tb, met on internet, february '07.


7:15 p.m.: Krista arrives, looking earnest/clutching sleeves.

krista. met at interlochen arts academy, september 1997.
krista is my sister. not by blood or anything. but she is.

7:20 p.m.: Lainy, Tara, Vicky and Tara's 18-year-old male cousin arrive.
Tara's wearing a denim mini and a tank top reading "Dirty Kitty." Lainy's donned hot pink, obvs.
Later during panel, I will say: "I write about my friends on my blog," they will laugh, I will point: "I write about all those kids on my blog."

tara. met on internet, march '05.


lainy. met via tara, summer '05.

Later, Re: Who's on these internet dating sites?, I'll reflect that it's the same ten people on every site, the same people you already know. [Though I haven't been on 'em in about two years, so I'm sure the climate's changed since then.] I'll be referring specifically to the fact that, while interning at nerve, I'd do frequent searches and Lainy always came up as my number one "match." I was like: NERVE! I already know Lainy, duh, I'm talking to her on AIM right now!

7:30 p.m.: Matty arrives.

matty. met at CAKE party, summer '05.
lived across the street from me and krista.
krista informed me immediately: NOW HE'S MARRIED. WHAT?!!!

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iv. The Fringes

Re: Advantages to online dating.

Me: "You don't have to leave your apartment, is the main thing."

*

1998, The New Yorker.
from "On the Fringes of the Physical World," by Meghan Daum:

"All the tangible stuff--the trees outside, my friends, the weather--fell away. I could physically feel my brain. My body did not exist. I had no skin, no hair, no bones; all desire had converted itself into a cerebral current that reached nothing but my frontal lobe. Lust was something not felt but thought. My brain was devouring all of my other organs and gaining speed with each swallow. There was no outdoors, the sky and wind were irrelevant. There was only the computer screen and the phone, my chair, and maybe a glass of water."

*

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v. Naked on Waking Vixen's Arm

Circa 8 P.M., I notice AR's tat. Her tattoo is not kidding around. I've tracked down a photo for you, from her blog:

Speaking of tattoos, from a convo a month or so ago:

"You're so precious, you're like the cutest girl in the world, and I'm so dark ... like Satan over here ... like ... RAWR. I'm such more of a robot than you. Look at your stuff..all your little stuff...your little iBook and your pink iPod, you're like, I'm gonna get a tattoo of a chai on my thigh, and I'm like. I wanna get tattoos on my wrists like the CRUCIFIXION, you know?"
-TB

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vi. Lusting for the Lusty Lady

For a while, I was considering a regular Auto-Win feature called "My Secret Obsessions." Then I realized this'd be a short feature, as my only secret obsession is Rachel Kramer Bussel. I read at her In the Flesh reading series last year, and she wrote really nice things about me. But I'm obsessed with her because I think she's the most productive person on earth. Does she know of some secret Time-Management Super-Powers?

Me: Do you think RKB will be there?
TB: Obviously. Totally.

Why am I obsessed with RKB? And why didn't she say hi to me--though I also didn't say hi to her? Is it because like me, she's also kind of shy in this weird selective way? Is it because I seem hostile or annoying or obsessed?

I could think about this all day. Instead, I blog, because that's what bloggers do, when not having cybersex on the internet. JK, I never have cybersex.

Which's why I mainly spoke on topics like blogging/life, relationships, internet dating, etc., and hushed up during discussions of porn/sex work/etc. OK: actually, I said stuff on those topics too, because I'm a big fan of inserting my uneducated P.O.V on everything.

Anyhow back to RKB.

It's my secret desire to sit inside her brain and watch the neurons fire. Instead, I read all of her blog entries, though not the cupcake blog, because I don't like lusting for things I can't have. [There're no nearby cupcake factories, I think.] RKB goes to everything and reads every book ever and blogs everything. She's like a one-woman Fleshbot.

AND she blogs about her relationships and her feelings--which's a topic we discussed at the panel, actually--how to handle getting personal on one's blog, what to show and what to reveal, how to handle this with your partners and friends--It's a compelling and persistent issue, and the choice to do so [to choose to blog about one's "personal life"] is increasingly rare--

Personally [ha! get it? Personally?!] I think there's been a mass blogger exodus over the past year or so, as blogs' ubiquity has increased, away from discussing the intimate/personal. It's frowned upon, often, as "dirty laundry," etc. There's arguments to be made on both sides. I said: "I do it sometimes but generally try to avoid it, try balance, I used to be more personal than I am now that my audience's bigger. Sometimes I wish I could block my ten closest friends but let 4,000 strangers read it. You know? Also, when I do blog about personal things, it's usually because I'm hoping to you know--touch on larger issues, or something someone else might relate to, you know--[Miss America voice]--help people."

Waking Vixen shouted out my Sunday Top Tens. My friends laughed. That was awesome.

So, RKB!

She posts at least six blogs a day, hosts reading series, interviews people for mediabistro/gothamist/everyone and publishes like, 100 articles a week for HuffPo/Village Voice/NY Post/everyone, edits or appears in 10,000 erotica anthologies, and often blogs about how she's really just a nerd who's sometimes lonely and up w/insomnia Amazon-searching new books to read. How's that possible? She's the busiest person on earth! She's making cupcakes! She's getting spanked! She's having relationships! She's RKB!

I considered devising a mathematical formula to determine exactly how she does what she does, but then I thought: Riese, this's why you don't get anything done, weirdo.

Excerpts from E-Mail exchange, August 2006:

To: RKB
From: Me

... I know this sounds like an odd question, but how do you manage your time so well? When I read your blog, it seems like the amount of creative output and the amount of reading of other people's creative output that you do is really impressive! How does she do it, one might ask? And so I am. Share your wisdom, as I'm attempting to craft a similar rate of productivity myself.

To: Me
From: RKB

... briefly, um, I don't know how I get so much done but in large part I use one thing to procrastinate on another. Really. And do a lot at my day job, and, just, am crazy really.

When I received that email, I was mostly stunned that she also has a DAY JOB?!! She must never sleep! I'm crazy too, but I feel like I haven't done anything.

Side note about a book I did finish reading, which's a miracle these days: Naked on the Internet, the book.

I suspect I was in the minority of people present who'd actually read the whole thing cover-to-cover. Read, losers. Buy it!

RKB arrived at 7:30. I know this because TB wrote it down immediately, and we gave each other a look. A "RKB is here, obvs," look.

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vii. From "The Comments" to my Sunday Top Ten

TB dropped her Blackberry on the floor within about 15 minutes of the panel's commencement. I wanted to pee in my pants, but instead I was like; Whats up, that's my girlfriend reading Gawker on her Blackberry. She was like "Sorry, got it," and held it up to reassure everyone she could return to whatever she was doing, let's all move on as planned.

So first Waking Vixen read from her book, then we discuss topics, then people from the audience asked questions.

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viii. Some things I remember

Q: What motivates women to get involved in pornography?
A: "Money."

[Lux Nightmare had a much longer and more complicated answer that did not involve money. She actually has information and experience from which to speak. I've got none. Also, a lot of alt-porn stars don't get paid! I learned that in Naked on the Internet.]

Q: Do y'all feel weird about the world knowing your business?
A: I mostly just feel weird about my grandparents.

Q: How do you blog about sex and still retain dignity and a sense of self?
A: I only blog about 90210. Dignity what?

Q: Are there any websites like ManHunt for women?
A: Dude, if you're a woman that wants to have sex like, right now? You could have sex with anyone in the whole world that you wanted to. You could post an ad on craigslist and get like, 150 responses. LIFE IS MANHUNT FOR WOMEN.

Q: Are there axe murderers on the internet?
A: "Yes." JK! Just me. Actually I feel that axes are very old school. I prefer lasers like from Star Wars.

Lux: Some of the Suicide Girls were allegedly only paid in underwear.
Me: It was really cute underwear.

[note: I'm not a Suicide Girl. But I did write a story for an erotica anthology they were putting together once upon a time that never came to fruition. That's fine. Like I said, my favorite thing on earth is to write things for free. In fact, that's how I make a living, and slowly deteriorate into insanity. Not the productive kind of insanity, like RKB's, but the other kind. Whatever the other kind is.]

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*

Krista: So Matty's MARRIED.
Me: You're married?
Matty: Yup.
Me: Wow! Congratulations.
Matty: [monotone, unenthused.] Thanks.
Me: When'd you get married?
Matty: Tuesday.
Me: Wow! How's married life so far?
Matty: Sucks.
Me: Oh! Okay. Um.
Matty: Yeah.
Me: Already?
Matty: Yup.
Me: OK! Um.

*

"I love how those guys had to qualify their questions with I heard you on The Brian Lehrer Show today like I heard about this on legitimate media I was listening to NPR, this isn't normally my thing."

-Krista

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Afterwards, we dined at Dragonfly. It was fabulous to see everyone, especially now that I think I'm getting sick. My throat, nose and body hurts real bad. I'm drinking tea. I think I need some apples or something. Someone sign me up for the Fruit of the Month club, thanks.

I've got a postcard super-glued to my desk of William Burroughs trying to stab Jack Kerouac with a dagger.