Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Tuesday Top Ten: All About Your Mother

[hello! It's me in the brackets! I was writing something kinda heavy for the Sunday Top Ten but then it got so heavy that it crushed me. Luckily, inspiration struck once again like a light object (e.g., a koosh ball, Tinkerbell) upon my braincase and here I am on Tuesday w/the Sunday Top Ten. In other words: The Tuesday Top Ten! ("holler alliteration!" - carlytron)]

Though I haven't lived with my own mother since 1997 [Because my Mother's become a more sensitive fact checker than my ex at the height of psychosis, I should add: "because I chose to leave, not because my mother didn't have a home for me to live in between those years of 1997-2002, complete with three full bathrooms, cable & internet, etc. and, although my mother moved out of that house in 2002, she still took me in at her tenement - esque one-bedroom for 24 hours in June '03 when my boyfriend dumped me and I needed to cry in an environment free of Kappa Kappa Gammas. Furthermore, during said hibernation, my mother even gave me $50 to go to the mall for "retail therapy," where I bought a cute pair of Mavi jeans I wore to my ex-boyfriend's apartment that afternoon to tell him I was moving to NYC for the summer, a plan he rejected in favor of his apparent summer plan to run over/play with my heart a few more times before school started back up. Furthermore, despite the menagerie of animals and children living in my Moms' current house, she is always very kind about wanting me to stay there and insists that I feel that I have a home somewhere, even though my stuff is in storage and during the winter holidays of '07 I was kicked out of said house by my mother and sent to a motel.], I've spent many a night with the mothers of others.

In addition to my uncanny ability to date people who under some circumstance or another are living with their mothers or other parental guardians, I'm currently living with Semicolon's mother, and the first week of September I lived with the random mother & children that Natalie is randomly living with (not her mother, obvs, her mother lives in Cleveland Ohio, land of champions). AND! I just snagged an October sublet with Hav's mother! Then! in November the sky's the limit you guys. Good news, November is my favorite month, it's the month that my brother and I try to remember which day my Mom's birthday is and decide who's gonna call first to find out.

Since I'm on such a roll with mothers, I got to thinking about ...

Sunday Top Ten: Other Mothers I'd Like to Live With
10. Beverly Crusher, Star Trek: The Next Generation
I love Beverly not only 'cause I had a boi-crush on Wesley Crusher, Beverly's son (who looks like he could've easily made it to the final round of Brandon Teena auditions), but 'cause she's wicked smart and for vaycay would clearly take me to strange new worlds, seeking new life and and new civilizations and boldly go where no man had gone before. Her husband is dead but clearly I'm used to that, and besides she has Captain Picard as the resident surrogate father, I could live with that.

9. Lindsay Bluth Funke, Arrested Development

The only element I ever disliked about Arrested Development was the Lindsay-Tobias marriage -- I don't think they did a good job of selling that to the viewer. Regardless, Lindsay's smokin' hot, loves charity, and accidentally makes jokes all the time. Keep in mind this is mothers I'd want to live with, not mothers I'd want to be mothered by. Not that I wouldn't want her genes, but you know, it'd be skeeze to crush on my Mom, and it'd be really skeeze to have Haviland crush on my Mom.

8. Me & my Gay in H.S. - he had the best Mom ever, Christie!

Christie was my first boyfriend's Mom. Of course Ryan wasn't my actual boyfriend, he was my gay BFF with benefits, but Moms love gay boyfriend's girlfriends the MOST, 'cause not only am I the potentially-cute-if-she-did-her-hair super-fun smart girlfriend but I'm also their son's ticket to hetero-ville. Alas, conversion didn't stick, but let me tell you how I met Christie for the first time: Valentine's Day '98, a man in a trenchcoat shows up at my boarding school dorm to 'escort' me to a mysterious location -- Ryan's parents' motor-home, it turns out. The driver turned out to be Ryan's step-dad, and just as I entered the lux motorhome, Christie burst out from the bedroom in a french maid's outfit with champagne. She kept character for about three minutes before busting into, "Oh my god, I'm so glad to meet you!"

They had a ranch in Oklahoma with hills and rivers. She'd mail me newspaper clippings, beanie babies, cards, little gifts she'd just "thought of me" when she saw. She looked like Sally Field. It was so easy, winning her love, she liked me straight away. It's never been that easy since to snag parental affections. Maybe it's cause I was 16 and right on track, and now I'm a homeless delinquent with a weird blog.

7. Peggy Peabody, The L Word
She's a crap Mom, but she's got the best lines on The L Word , did pay (unknowingly) for the entire De La Pica Morales clan to go to Canada for The Little Wedding that Couldn't, and is therefore my favorite character, besides obviously Papi, my favorite character of all time who unfortunately is not getting her own spin-off.

If Papi had a kid, what would they name it? Nino? Papi Jr.? Mini-Papi? Chi-Chi Rodriguez?

6. Michelle Obama
I'm gonna do this thing where I not-so-subtly work Obama into every post until he wins in November. If he doesn't win, I want you to know I am going to quit all of you. I'm going to set the building on fire that's my cake. I'm going to take down all my posts like I do when I have a lot of feelings, post only song lyrics on twitter, and lie on my mattress in a street alley chanting "Dark Come Soon" to myself while eating the black polish off my fingers. Intervention won't be able to TOUCH me!

No but really, she seems like a sweet Mom. I'm not sure why everyone's freaking out about her ability to parent and campaign. If the Republicans had their way, women on welfare would all be working 60 hours a week and leaving their kids at home to eat fruit roll-ups and shoot each other. That's no good. The Obamas have it together, they match, and she's a beautiful, beautiful woman.


5. Marge Simpson, The Simpsons
I feel like this woman put up with some serious shit. Also her children never age, which is cheaper than the Oil of Olay my Mom uses.

4. Kelli and Rosie O'Donnell
It's not the multiple homes that draw me in -- it's the arts & crafts hut. They're the most famous gay Moms ever, staunch democrats, philanthropic wonderwomen and genuinely caring & loving people. Rosie'd make jokes, teach me collaging and sing showtunes with me. Kelli's hot & capable and my siblings would be remarkably down-to-earth smart cookies who, much like me as a child, aren't allowed to watch the teevee. They're homos too, like my Mom, so it'd be basically like living with my Mom except with more trips to Miami and less yelling. Then I could go on the cruise for free and get free soda.

3. Kanga
What if my Mom's name was "Ma" and my name was "Rie" and she carried me around in a fanny pack, like the turquoise one she used in the 90's'/probs yesterday? Then we'd be one-tenth of the way towards the coolness of Kanga, who had a kid named Roo she carried around in her pouch. I had a kangaroo stuffed animal with a Roo (a non-brand name version of the Pooh-Corner pair) and I got really upset when they'd be separated. We could live in the woods and eat coconuts and play with koalas and boomerangs, and I'd never have to pay rent or use craigslist again.

2. Lorrie Moore, author

""The Mother does not know how to be one of these other mothers, with their blond hair and sweatpants and sneakers and determined pleasentness. She does not think that she can be anything similar. She does not feel remotely like them. She knows, for instance, too many people in Greenwich Village. She mail-orders oysters and tiramusu from a shop in SoHo. She is close friends with four actual homosexuals. Her husband is asking her to Take Notes. Where do these women get their sweatpants? She will find out."
(Lorrie Moore, "People Like That Are the Only People Here.")

I'm not into "Mom Lit," or Mom-Bloggers, or really any books about mother-daughter relationships. This's probs 'cause most mother-child focussed movies end with someone dying and lots of sentimental speeches that make me barf, or 'cause good mothers don't make very interesting protagonists, but ultimately the only time I can stand reading someone talk about child-rearing is when they approach it with the barenaked humility and admitted incompetence that Lorrie Moore does when she talks about motherhood. (Tama Janowitz fairs admirably in this area, too) In her novel Anagrams [SPOILER ALERT], we eventually discover that the protagonist's child isn't even real! She's an imaginary daughter! basically I feel Lorrie Moore knows how to mother 'cause she doesn't know how to mother, and I'd like to be a part of that. Or maybe I just want to move to Wisconsin, 'cause getting fat in Long Island isn't as accepted as getting fat in Wisconsin.

1. Susan Powter
Alex: "I miss Susan Powter yoga."
Me: "We only went once, Alex."
Alex: "But I miss it."
Me: "How can you miss something we only went to once? That's like saying I miss my Bat Mitzvah."
Alex: "Can't I miss it if I want to?"
Me: "I think you're projecting your real sadness over missing the cruise and the team onto Susan Powter's yoga class."
Alex: [makes pouty face]

[this is the level of conversation we've come to during these weeks of forced co-habitation.]

I just feel like if I lived with Susan Powter, I'd probs get killer abs. Plus I'd want her to say "Tell Riese I'm looking for her. In heels."


eric mathew said...

Omg, i love this top 10. It's just so wonderful and super. I miss the days when Mavi's were $50, those were nice times, anyway now for my imput.. the gay BFF part 100% true. It really is. Because sometimes the mother does not have a clue and she will just think that you and her daughter are just bff. More recently it is more fun if the parent knows, but still can lie to all the friends at high holiday services. ANYWAY, a new game I play is that if I walk with a girl I hold her hand and try to see how many people I can fool down the street, it's fun and rewarding, like sex. Michelle Obama... YES! I'm sorry but look how well everyone is matching in that picture. It's like a JCrew xmas card... loves it. I just want to know what flat iron she uses. Of course, how could I not comment on Kelli and Rosie. I think what would draw me in would be the showtunes and the stories. I mean she has tons. I would love to watch 'League of their Own' and have commentary with Rosie. Oh the days... anyway.. I went to the jcc today and i feel like when i work out there everyone is like secretly judging me. It's like I know I'm hot, stop looking at me. Anway, I feel like staying with the Stillwell's should be super fun. Okay, gotta go pick up dry-cleaning. lator gator. (i'm sure you would wear crocs if you lived with the O'Donnells, and while they aren't cute, they are hella comfortable).

mira said...

I fully support your support of Michelle Obama. I think she's sexier than Palin any day. Anyway I wanted to add the cosby show mom to the list and the woman from home improvement, i know that sounds weird, but that woman rocked.

also mscl, rayanne graf's mom, i wished she was my mom so we could be best friends forever.

sometimes you're serious, sometimes you're just funny and make me laugh my ass off. today was one of those laugh my ass off days, and i needed it. so thank you.

Jezzica said...

If Lorrie Moore were your mother she could write a story called "How to Talk to Your Daughter Who Has A Weird Blog."
(Found your blog through lots of weird lesbian linkage...it's very good!)

Crystal said...

Good choice with Peggy Peabody.

If I could choose to live with a mother, it would be Britney. Mainly because I feel like the use of my favourite word - Y'all - would be not only tolerated in the household, but encouraged. What more could a person ask for?

autumn m said...

this rocked!!!! thats all i got to say about that. and guess who got the zine yesterday!!! that right, ME!!!! i offically have my first 'zine ever. ....Letters To the Editor. I am confessing that i love the 'zine more that anything i've ever seen in my life!!!

Mary Kate said...

I love all your choices, but I have to say I especially love Dr. Beverly Crusher. She was awesome. I definitely own up to watching TNG as a child, though I often claim my older brother made me watch it. Which is sort of true... Have you watched it recently? It's priceless tv...in that cringe and laugh kind of way.

jordan c. l. said...

other mothers i'd like to have.

10. my sister. she and my brother in law are the cutest parents ever. also, their already putting money away for my 8 month old nephew's college fund and i could totes use some college fundage right about now.

9. angelina jolie. i always wanted a baby sister or seven. also, i'm really into southeast asia these days. also alos, shes a little bit crazy and kissed her brother... so like maybe we could make out and just tell everyone they're the perverts.

8. carmen de le pica morales' mother. i love mexican food. hopefully she'd think i was too skinny like shane and cook cook cook for me me me.

7. sarah palin, cuz it would be coooool to see russia from my bedroom. also, because those kids are clearly on a loose leash.

{* i would not like to live with sarah palin}

6. my philosphy professor and her partner. easily, the two most interesting women i've ever met in person. also also they live in a really sweet loft downtown and it would be nice to have someone to commute to campus with.

5. shelly long in troop beverly hills. she really cares, even if she would be the most embarrassing ever!

4. anne lamott. tell me a story before bed.

3. my best friend kelsey's mom. every time i go home for a holiday i stay at their house. it always feels like the homiest place i know. she bakes bread and that smell hits you a mile before you pull in the driveway,

2. kelli and rosie. agreed agreed agreed.

1. my high school french teacher. she wrote notes to get me out of gym and let me nap behind her desk instead. also she's french.

Ms. Jackson said...

Ooh, this was fun. The #1 mom I would live with would be Lorelai Gilmore. The lady cracks me up and would keep me entertained.

also,if Papi had a kid its name could be Papito if it was a boy or Papita if it was a girl.

stef said...

i think my mom was a cross between patti chase (if i'm being serious) and the mom from daria (if i'm being mean or possibly a little bit honest).

other awesome moms:

- morticia addams: wednesday always got to play with swords and electric chairs, and i think morticia and gomez gave their kids a healthy appreciation of the strength of good old-fashioned heterosexual marriage.
- my friend corey's stepmom: when we were in high school, she used to take corey on field trips to places like hooters and lingerie shops and give her amazing sex talks: 'the key is lubrication. either be really excited or bring your own!'
- norman bates' mom
- dina lohan: omg i could get away with ANYTHINGGGG.
- angelina jolie: somebody already said this, but i bet she'd let me fly planes and eat a lot of junk food, and then i could ride motorcycles with brad.

i have no idea what i'm talking about. i should call my mom.

-M- said...

Rosanne Barr- I always admired her parenting style, especially the opening scene where they share Chinese food and laugh. Too bad her show came on so late into my child-rearing career.
Stef; speaking on behalf of mom's everywhere, call your mom, we like that.

a;ex said...

oh hi mama Bernard!
Don't worry, I'm taking good care of Marie - providing grilled cheeses, toasts, and peanut butters upon request. As well as vodka-tonics every night... but we haven't been needing those much lately as she's been falling asleep before the bewitching hour of 1am (a result of waking up at 7am with me every day!)

I even allow her to get fresh air and make one phone call per day.

Hope you're doing well!

in other news, Stef gets an "LOL" for 'Norman Bates' mom'

riese said...

eric mathew: i bet michelle obama uses a sapphire. That's the best kind, and only the best for the big Christmas card photo. If I lived with the o'donnells, i would wear crocs and use r-family vacation knapsacks for all my carrying needs and wants. if i ever can afford to buy a new pair of jeans again, i will get mavis, i forgot how cool it was that they did waist and length variables.

mira: you look like shane. i think shane and michele obama are sexier than palin every day. i liked HI, I wish JTT was my mom. Amber, RG's mom, was the mom i wanted so that we could drink and party and be besties. But then I might drink too much and almost die.


how to talk to your daughter who has a weird blog:
first, try to read something, anything else. gossip, gawker, those endless nets and webs and shiny shoes on bargain overstock websites. wonder why it's called "bluefly." ask yourself if you should be mortally offended that perez hilton can't construct a sentence. read the times online, arts & letters. then, pour yourself a stiff drink and then read your daughter's weird blog.

crystal: If I lived with britney, we could have a lesbian affair. i have a feeling about her, a special feeling. I'd be like "y'all is gay."

autumn: i will need to find a good context to share the photo of luetenint bear and the 'zine. i knew you would love it. autowin and olive take care of you. i feel we've all won a major battle here, and we are all winners, especially you and the 'zine.

marykate: my actual mother made me watch it. i'm afraid if i saw it now, i might realize that the costumes, if you really think about it, are absurd.

jordan c.l: of all the mothers you would like to have, i would like angelina jolie because she's smokin' hot and I could travel the world feeding other malnourished almost-hipsters like me. i thought about mrs. de la pica de morales but then i remembered the homophobia and got scared. and also shelly long in TBH, good call. that movie made me wish i lived in beverly hills and that girl scouts was ever really that fun.

ms.jackson: Had I seen the GG show, I would've included her 'cause I just have this feeling she's a good mom. Papita, Papita, pop pop Papita holler.

stef: My Mom and patti chase had a lot of things in common, mostly the sort of scenes where patti says 'well, we'll be able to spot you. in a crowd.' and 'if my mother wasn't trying so hard to make sure everyone else was happy, she might actualyl like, be happy." i bet also if you lived with morticia adams, you'd have lots of sunscreen and eyeliner around, which would please your vegan gothic heart, i feel. just no spray-painting the bathroom.

-m-: okay, i'll call you, we need to have a talk about apostrophe abuse.

people sometimes say I look like Sarah Chalke, so you know, the Roseanne thing works. I like chinese food.

a;ex: I know you provide me with all my favorite foods. Just FYI, it's 2:07 pm and I already feel like I've been awake for about 15 hours. also, just between you and me and everyone we know, i'm not allowed to make any phone calls obvs, that's why i haven't called my mom. what's fresh air? who am i? where am i? so many people, so many colors.

MoonKiller said...

I think you'd like living with my mother because everyone thinks my mother's lovely and she's the funniest person alive and if your room got really messy she'd tidy it cause she's a clean freak.

I want to live with my friend Lloyd's mum because she's cool and I can talk to her about anything and she makes me tea all the time.

But most of all I'd like to live with James because he's the best cook ever and he's make me risotto everyday and give me massive cwtchs.

autumn m said...

i find it weird that someone metioned "rosanne", because when i describe my mom to people, that's what i say, "My mom is the real life version of rosanne." it's a bit scary actually, they kinda look alike, laugh alike and have the same loud obnoxious lovable thing going on. i swear that show was my life, except on tv, with some minor tweeks of course. but if you liked rosanne, you would love my mom!!! she's a hoot! you think i'm joking.....i wish.

riese said...

moonkiller: If your mom has a welsh accent I am sold. Or your friend Lloyd's mum too, I'd live there too. Or your friend James, I'll call him Mama James, eat risotto, drink tea, and tidy things.

autumn: even better that that special someone who mentioned roseanne was totally my mom! I always knew my Mom admired Roseanne. It was like the only sitcom we were allowed to watch.

autumn m said...

well since it was the only sitcom you could watch, you basically watched my life. dont you feel special?? thats pretty cool that your mom reads your blog....and comments. props to her.