Sunday Top Ten Part Two: Back in the 90s ...

Hey, speaking of the nineties, remember when Bill Clinton was president? That was cool. Want something like that to happen again? Register to vote RIGHTNOW. The Republicans are pulling out all the stops, like that lady (I prefer the parody of that lady). What if I invented a blog where I promised to kill myself if Obama loses? Would that be un-funny? Is it to soon? It's too soon. Hey-o! JK, death isn't funny. I hate death. Everyone should have babies and pray to Jesus. I'm really too upset to write a blog right now, the Republican National Convention is pushing me over the edge. I was gonna finish this 90s blog [last night/Wednesday], but instead I yelled at CNN. Tinkerbell doesn't like it when I get angry, it gives her ulcers. Anyhow! The 90s!

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5. Beverly Hills 90210

The Walshes were maybe the 50th pop culture icons to employ the Midwest [or other quaint & simple locale]-to-Rodeo storyline as a pilot hook, and they pulled it off. [Also, many shows/movies substituted rough-and-tumble poor for "quaint&simple"] Since (and during) the 90s, many have followed in their footsteps: Ryan Atwood, Spencer Carlin & fam, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, The Beverly Hillbillies, Haviland, etc.

So last night I saw the new 90210 'cause I'm trying to relax in the evenings and enjoy my newfound freedom to leave my room [I'm currently crashing with natalie while her roommates are in France]. It's now the 100th show to employ aforementioned plot device and unfortunately that device is officially done and DONE.

"A private plane? really?" = BORING, no longer interesting in and of itself.
"Oh my god, the spoiled rich girl wants to get out of a paper for her sweet 16 party!"=LAME.

If we wanna see rich kids use their rich kid stuff, we can watch The Hills, Gossip Girl, etc., where at least the characters are more than just cardboard cut-outs . We're supposed to believe that these new-class kids -- the kids who grew up watching 90210 and Fresh Prince -- are still gonna make fun of a girl just for being from Kansas? C'mon! They've seen this show already, they know better! One minute you're ripping on Brenda and the next minute she's sleeping with Dylan so fuck you guys I'm moving to Paris!! And I hate you both!

90210 broke barriers, but its sticky territory is now familiar and well-trod. Therefore, in the 21st century it ain't easy to create an inventive or surprising teen show -- the shock value stuff's been done and now you've gotta find a truly inventive way to make it really fresh & current. That "evil blogger" storyline on the new 90210 .. that don't cut it. [Teevee writers always have such a bizarre perspective on how the internet is actually used by teenagers.] Also, that poorly executed prescription drug deal? Doesn't cut it either. If we want that, we can watch Intervention.

I wanna see Colin in a high-speed chase with coked-out Kelly, I want David Silver flushing meth down the toilet when Dylan comes over, I want Donna on the bed with the rose petals ready for sexy time and I want that kid blowing his brains out and Brandon telling Andrea she doesn't know about condoms 'cause she's never done the dirty dirty and I want Ray pushing Donna down the stairs come on!!

Rehashing prior character's stereotypes [e.g., Andrea Zuckerman's daughter] is cute at first, but ultimately I don't think these characters will ever stand on their own. In the 90s, I had a serious relationship with Kelly Taylor & Valerie Malone & Claire ... I wanted to be them. I wanted to be cool and sexy and popular and if that meant I had to do crazy things like they did, I would, and I did, and it wasn't as cute when I did them. But despite these negative effects -- still! I totally cared if Donna Martin graduated! (also, check out this site of 90210 fantastichood)

I could barely get the names straight on last night's "New 90210." Despite its hopeless soapiness, I knew Brandon Walsh, David Silver and Valerie Malone like they were real people, and it's not just 'cause I've seen all 5 bajillion episodes. I knew them better from the pilot than I know anyone from last night. [that often happens to me w/r/t last night, though]

The difference between a successful show -- even a "bad" successful show, e.g., Dawson's Creek, Gossip Girl, The O.C., the original Beverly Hills 90210 -- and a shitty show is strong, fleshed-out, fully realized characters with distinct and NEW stories to tell. E.g., we need a lesbian reveal. The adopted black brother thing is just like South of Nowhere, it's over. Also, it's just like the life of Marie Lyn Bernard dot blogspot dot com, so whatever.

I mean, srsly, you know who needs a spinoff? EMILY VALENTINE, that's who.

Emily Valentine could host a talk show or a judge show. Or maybe it could be about the punked out kids she has.

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4. Delia*s & Other Mail-Order Clothing

Maybe I still shop at Delia*s, maybe I don't. Actually, I don't shop anywhere now, online shopping is dangerous and gets people into debt. I should check it out though, I need giant plaid platform sandels from the discount domain. Anyhow, regardless, their catalog was like Sassy without the articles. Though we enjoyed tearing apart each issue by literally scrawling snarky commentary all over the girls airbrushed thighs and delightfully anachronistic facial expressions, we similarly enjoyed their clothing, which came in the mail -- remember the MAIL?! I loved catalogues, especially in boarding school. Online shopping has now taken away the fun I used to have trying to get the J-Crew woman to tell me about her family and how her day was going. She'd be like "good," and I'd be like, "Level with me, Anjalaka, HOW GOOD? like, honey glaze good or deep peacock good?"

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3. SNICK

As I've mentioned 5,000 times, I grew up in a prisoner of world wars camp in a communist commune where I had to grow my own vegetables and if I wanted milk my Ma would make me go out back and milk Bessie and if I mixed meat and milk I got whipped with sugarcane. Therefore I wasn't permitted to enjoy the things other children enjoyed, such as Fruit by the Foot and SNICK. Luckily I had lots of friends, 'cause I was funny if not a little Somalian in the cheekbones, and they'd invite me over, and then we could eat pop tarts and watch SNICK.

Still; my memories of Clarissa are vague. Howevs, I recall this: she rocked outfits I could only dream of rolling. She mastered the denim rolled-up shorts over the leggings which I tried to pull off too but my leggings were too baggy.

I always seem to remember Ghostwriter, one of my fave shows I was allowed to watch in the liberal hippie dungeon where I lived, as being on Nickelodian, but obvs it was on PBS.

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2. It just gives your color ... a kick!

"So when Rayanne Graff told me my hair was holding me back, I had to listen. 'Cause she wasn't just talking about my hair; she was talking about my life."
-Angela Chase, My So-Called Life

Glintz! Glints! I just remembered!!!! Featured Dylan McKay's wife who got shot! Look! Here's the tv ad, remember it?

We had a lot of bold ideas w/r/t hair color in the 90s. Consequentially we expressed ourselves with Manic Panic, Nice 'n Easy, Sun-In, and the always reliable magic markers (you could give yourself baby blue highlights during lunch!). Many a towel and bathroom floor was ruined by glops of inevitably crimson glow-ish hair dye -- a sure sign to our parents that we'd done it again. Blonde to red to black to brown to purple and back again, just whatever. Salons were not punk enough for us.

It wasn't about going natural, it was about pissing off your parents and having something fun to do on a Friday night. For example, it's difficult to rebel when you live in a barbed-wire enclosed jail cell like I did. But one thing I could do? Dye my hair, the one thing my mother (claimed she had) told me not to do before my brother's Bar Mitzvah. Whatevs. Look at that dress! I'm GOLDEN.

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1. Your Photos

Vashti's ready to hang ten at the skate park
got her helmet on, she ain't afraid of the dark
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Crystal says cowabunga dude 'cause she's ready to pump it up
what's in the fanny pack? can i get a what what
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like blossom ms. jackson's got flowers on her babydoll dress
madonna says call 1-888-2-confess
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M.C Hammer's pants have got nothing on cookie's hot green shoes
she's ready to dance to Hewey Lewis and the News
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That may be a laser gun in his hands or puffy paint on the shirt
he clearly doesn't know what's gonna happen to kurt
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moonkiller can't go wrong in pink pants and shoes with polka dots
like the chicago bulls she's making all her shots
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A.C Slater would love the wash on these smashin' shortalls
Clarissa explains it all: don't go chasin' waterfalls
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Meghan has a lot of deep thoughts, thus she needs a beret
She don't gotta pray just to make it today hey!
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Jonathan Brandis has got nothing on this Ladybugs-esque do
Sinead O'Conner says nothing compares to you
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See that hair flip? That's pretty much as rad as life got
Snoop Dogg says drop it like it's hotttt
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FYI, that's not Carly, that's torrie's sister
she's gonna bust a move like mister mister

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"Grownups like to tell you where they were when President Kennedy was shot, which they all know to the exact second. Which makes me almost jealous, like I should have seen something important enough to know where I was when it happened. But I don't yet. And in fact it was a better time then, and people knew what they were supposed to do and how to make the world better. Now nobody knows anything."
-Angela, My So-Called Life
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(register, y'all. be there when something happens.)