Sunday, December 23, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: Live-Blogging Every Thought That Comes Into My Head

10. Did You Know I'm Half-Quaker? Even Though I Had a Bat Mitzvah?
I'm in Pennsylvania, The Quaker State. Great state. Very large. Lots of driving to do here: some turnpikes, highways, significant fog. You guys, driving is dangerous! Seriously, it's been a while since I've driven outside of NYC -- which is different, 'cause driving in NYC is certifiably dangerous so everyone's on alert. Out here in The Rest of the World, people are not on anything remotely like "alert." They're just doing whatever they need to do while they happen to be driving a car, like how I read magazines and watch teevee and write email and just happen to be on an elliptical trainer sometimes. Luckily, elliptical trainers can't run into trees.

9. You're Too Sexy For Your Shirt, Get One of Our Shirts
As I may've mentioned or possibly even dedicated an entire post to, we've been pole-vaulting the Auto-Apparel Store into business! Vega and Stef have been working super-hard, they're better (and cuter!) than elves. We're starting small, and then building/marketing, like right now it's very mom-and-pop, like the corner store, so this is the part where you'll still get cute personal touches, like an index card stating that "I.O.U a sticker when they come in!" (first week of January) and a lock of Haviland's hair (I'll save them when she sleeps over) (just realised I could probs actually do that if I wanted to) (which I don't, 'cause I'm sure she'd give me lots of locks if I just asked, no need to be all creepy about it). But next year we'll start rolling out more merch, like hoodies for critters and black t-shirts because that's Crystal's colour.

I'm so excited about all of this just 'cause Vega's designs are so hot (which just goes to show you that if you win an Auto-Win Comment Contest, you're clearly on a fast-track to success), and I don't mean that in a Tila Tequila monotone kind of way but in a really genuine, critter jumping-up-and-down kind of way.

Because of Jesus, the first shipment won't arrive on your little doorsteps til after Christmas, but it'll totes be pre-New Years for you U.S. residents. Like, actually, many of you will be sporting your Auto-Wear NEXT WEEK!!! You must order before Christmas however if you wanna get the free Auto-Win Soundtrack CD. It's really hot. I might run out of CDs though and have to come up with a new bonus gift. I guess I could just buy more CD-Rs. Good call, self.

So ... do You Wanna Look Very Automatic Today? How About Next Week? Okay Perfect:

8. On the Road
Man, when I lived in Michigan and had a car I used to drive around not paying attention all the time, I can't believe it. I mean human beings must've really had to get used to being so blase about barreling these suckers down the highway at 1,000 M.P.H. Especially truck drivers. My grandpa was a truck driver. Before that he was a farmer. If this was 20 years ago on December 23rd, I'd be at that farm right now, inhaling the sweet scent of fertilizer, a.k.a. manure. Instead I'm here, and then tomorrow I'll go to the house they bought after they sold the farm. There'll be no pigs, cows or horses at the house I'm going to tomorrow unfortunately, because I love farm animals.

7. Year! In! Review!
I'm actually making a lot of progress with the Year in Review, but there's just been so many things to talk about this week! And I have to keep posting these things! But I will be posting! The Year in Review! Before the End of the Year! I! love! Exclamation! Points!

6. Dasher and Dancer
What are you guys doing for the holidays? Do you think you spend MORE time reading blogs during X-mas break, or LESS? I just don't wanna put out an effort for no reason. I love Twix bars. I live in New York, so when it's time to eat a lot of food, I have to drive to the Midwest. I could fly, but I have mixed feelings about Al Queda and R-Kelly. This is one of many reasons I wish I was a superhero, then I could fly for reals, and it's not like a terrorist could hijack my plane, because there'd be no plane, just my smokin' hot body, flying through outer space and the clouds, like Gonzo:

5. Like Steel in my Palm
So today I thought I'd probs leave NYC around noon. Five hours later, I'm hauling stuff to the rental car, like boxes of merch to mail out on Monday or Wednesday (kinda depends on what happens to me on Monday, I may've mentioned my grandparents live in Reeseville - REESEVILLE! - population 63) and my brother calls to see where I'm at, and is clearly impressed that I'm making such good time (as in, I've made it all the way from my apartment to the street directly below it, almost in Ohio) and I'm like "OMG, my hand is gushing blood," and then I have to call him back later 'cause my hand was covered in blood.

My brother drove to Ohio from New Orleans. Clearly I'm not that tough, I gave up in Pennsylvania. On Monday we'll both drive to Michigan where my Moms live. Or Tuesday. I don't know what's going on, I'm just here for the cookies.

Anyhow, yeah at about three or so, I was moving a box and somehow managed to get my hand caught on this pesky nail and it sliced clean through the skin on the front of my hand between my middle finger and my other finger and it was really intense. I've actually sliced my palm open many-a-time in the food service industry, resulting in fainting and stitches, soooo compared to that, this was nothing. Still though I freaked out for a little bit, and thought "I wish I knew someone who'd accidentally cut herself with a crack pipe before who could provide emotional support during this trying time," and luckily, I do, and she did. Then later I actually tried moving my hand normally and it started bleeding all over again, I almost fainted at CVS and wanted to kill everyone there who doesn't understand how lines work, I needed band-aids goddamit.

4. Peaceful Easy Feeling
I love classic rock radio. You know how when you're flipping radio stations, you're not really looking for a song you like so much as a song that indicates you've hit a station that could possibly continue to play music not entirely offensive to your earholes? That's how I feel when I flip upon some Pink Floyd, Beatles, The Who, Rolling Stones, Journey, The Eagles or Van Morrisson, I'm like, solid. I'm here, keep on rockin'. Sometimes they'll break out some new wave, sometimes it'll be Brit-heavy, you never know what delights lie in store! Even if it journeys too much into Billy Joel territory, really, whatever they do, even American Pie, I'm into it. I'm rockin'.

3. BTW
I think this is the fastest blog post I've ever written. Seriously, even faster than when I just talked crazy for like, 20 paragraphs.

2. And also. also. also.
Probs part of the reason it's been so quick is because I've just written down every thought that's come into my head.

1. L'Title
As you may've noticed when they busted out "Livin' La Vida Loca," The L Word is totally running out of L Words, which is actually semi-ridic, there's plenty they haven't used. I mean, I'm sure they want to use Labia Majora again, or Land Ahoy! or Long Time Coming.

These are Carly's predictions for Episodes 506 on (summaries of the first five eps are already sitting in a document on my desktop thanks to my good friends at Showtime, but I refuse to give myself Spoilers) : "Lady or the Tiger," "Laundry Day," "Leif Erikson" "Lenin, Vladimir," "Lanky Loungewear," "Left turn at the third light, second house on the Left" and the finale "Let this show end with dignity, please?"

I totally LOL'ed at Leif Erikson. That would be an incredible episode. I have such funny friends, especially Carly. Lesbians. LOL. Lolita. Lozo. LK. Lick. Lawnchair. Loop. Loser. Lazy. Lexapro. Haha. "Lexapro: In Which Jenny Gets Her Shit Together."


Anonymous said...

Have fun in the "D" for Christmas!!

Razia said...

Hands down totes read less blogs over xmas break, but then again not only is it christmas break here but also the beginning of summer break so that's like too much break-ness going on.

cait said...

you better not have typed this while driving and let's not pretend that there's not a SERIOUS chance that you did, or at the very least wrote it in your journal or something. omg i getting panicky just thinking about it. get home safe you whacko. lol.

carlytron said...

The Lexapro one is amazing. Here are some more I just thought of:

- Lex Luthor
- Land O'Lakes (in which they wrestle in butter, not oil)
- Laffy Taffy (honestly, I am surprised they haven't used this yet)
- Lameass Character Arcs
- Leave Britney Alone

Word ver = "abhuht" which I thought was actually "abhunt" which is what I am on since I haven't been to the gym in a few weeks.

P.S. Is there a "brill" shirt in the works? I will design it if not. How about a giant thumbs up and then "brill" in huge letters?

Allie said...

I actually will probs read more blogs. I usually do most of my blog reading at work, but because our bishop is the coolest, he shut down the university where I work for the week of Christmas this year. So I'm home. And home isn't boring like work, but I'm often on the computer, with my google reader being refreshed. Write away! Lusting after boyshorts. In colors other than yellow, please. Not tan enough for yellow.

Ms. Jackson said...

Pennsylvania is my least favorite state to drive through. It just seems to take foreverrr. Second least fav is Kansas. But anyway...
I for one am a fan of the yellow boyshort as it will compliment my olive skin tone. Can't wait to rock 'em.

Stephanie said...

I cut my finger on a pair of scissors the other day. I INSTANTLY panicked and bandaged it with a paper towel and tape until I could find bandaids. When the flap of skin finally healed enough so it could be unbandaged, I realized that this cut was so awesome I lost feeling on that finger! I can poke it with a safety pin all day and feel nothing (I have done this.)

Best wound ever. But hey, I hope you keep the feeling in your hand. Much more important.

stef said...

the worst state to drive through is UTAH, cos at first you're all 'oh awesome, giant red cliffs and mountains and sand dunes without another town or car or human being for hundreds of miles!' and you put something rad like 'butterflies and hurricanes' on and start rocking out in your awesome road trip solitude karaoke mode, and then your 'check engine' light comes on. and you. are. fucked.

pennsylvania is bad though, also colorado, kansas (got pulled over TWICE), north carolina, new mexico (caught doing 110 in a 75 zone) and umm IOWA.

also i like Leif Erikson, but i think Leif Garrett is more appropriate; he is clearly a lesbian. Lindsay Lohan, my hero/best friend. possibly LOLcat. also Ladadadidadadada, as i've been listening to a lot of labouche lately, and as you pointed out, let's face it, they've clearly run out of ideas.

Crystal said...

I'm really excited that you're planning a black tshirt range. Equally excited that you're putting the 'u' back into colour.

I hope you'll set me aside an Auto-win Soundtrack on good faith that I'll order aforementioned tshirts - I can only imagine the Tegan & Sara delight that will be found inside.

Peach said...

merry xmas automatic... much love to you and your brilliant rambling xxx

dorothy said...

I placed my order for my auto-wear. It's going to be like a week of Christmas Eves waiting for it to show up. Have a great holiday with your family!

Oo Lynnie oO said...

i am using this comment to wish you the very best of holidays!! you know, tinsel, snow angels, cookies, etc. all the good stuff!

auto-apparel will auto-identify its wearers as super cool kids.

Cruz said...

I really want some Auto-vetements, can you make some in non-girlie styles? What the hell is Lozo going to wear? Actually (Acts?), would totes love a guest vlog from Lozo while wearing the pink beater with the panties. Just sayin'.

Nicole said...

The Lexapro one is indeed amazing but can go right out the window. As if Jenny will ever get her shit together, pfft.

Ollie said...

SO sorry about your hand, Riese-girl. Have a lovely Xmas and New Year season of festive festivities. Paris sends love and lights and lacy lilting lyrics (WORSE LWORD TITLE ever, no? What does that even mean?)

AK said...

I'm going to be reading lots more blogs period, because I went down to a little ma and pa, (but mostly pa) store today and got myself a smokin' hot, as in way faster, refurbished G4 laptop with a warrantee just so I could get online and torture the freakin' e-bayer who sold me a dud. But at least now I can check in with you at my leisure at all hours agin'. I could fancy myself wearing those hot yella' autowin briefs. I might even buy two pairs since I've been having to buy everything twice this month. (Had a brand new bike stolen same time as I ordered that dud powerbook. My stars were all jammed up or somethiing.)

Will refrain from making licentious comment on your smokin' hot body getting hijacked in the air.

That sounded like a nice farm that got sold. Your grandparents are probably real nice people just for having owned such a farm. So hopefully I won't have to worry about you having one of those disfunctional family holiday gatherings that are such fodder for fiction. I'm not driving anywheres except to my mother's two miles away. I've often wondered myself about humans having so easily adapted to barreling down highways in one ton conveyences at such speeds. I don't think our brains actually understand that that is what's happening.

Litigation, loons, logarithms, lockness, locked-up,

riese said...

anonymous: Holla!
razia: OMG, I forgot about that. I did Xmas in Australia one year. We went to the beach it was lovely.
cait: Hells no, I drive like an old lady. I can barely think I'm concentrating so hard ... let alone produce such genius. lollll
carlytron: I'm surprised they haven't used Laffy Taffy too, because of the potential provided by the little fortunes you get inside Laffy Taffy, that is good stuff. I haven't been to the gym in four days, which is a lot for me, so I would like to join your Ab-Hunt. Possibly into the woods where Dana has her waterfall. The brill t-shirt sounds well ... brill.
allie: You should go tanning ... when you're not busy refreshing. What color looks good with your lovely milky white skin? I don't know what colors look good with skintones, I just wear whatevs, and by whatevs I mean black.
ms.jackson: Totes will compliment your olive skin tone (and i can say that having seen your olive skin tone in 3-D) ... I think Pennsylvania is the worst state I've driven through. The west can get bad, but there's mountains, usually.
stephanie: I have all the feelings in my hand, luckily. My hand is having A LOT OF FEELINGS RIGHT NOW. You're like the girl in Heroes with a bionic finger.
stef: I feel like you are talking from personal experience. I like the idea of giant red cliffs. You might have more moving violations than I. Driving with my dad through Wyoming many years ago, we got pulled over for doing like 100 or something. In the LOLCat ep, Jenny would kill the dog.
crystal: I might put the "o" back into colour too, just for you Aussies. That doesn't make sense. But it doesn't have to. Get it? "O"? You know? Like, "we want you, obvs, but not like that probs." I'll send you an Auto-Win Soundtrack, and I promise you there is all kinds of conning delight in it.
peach:merry xmas peach and much love to you and your brilliance!
dorothy: I should make a widget to countdown the arrival of the boyshorts.
oo lynnie oo: I'm using this comment response to wish YOU the very best of holidays. I'm eating a cookie, too!
cruz: Lozo is going to wear the boy-shorts obvs. They are men's underwear after all. No but really ... yes, that occurred to us. The auto-cool men's club needs to shoot some suggestions at us. Good call for the guest vlog, maybe Lozo will say he's coming and then not come.
nicole: Maybe Lithium?
ollie: Lacy Lilting Lyrics is English for "Ilene Chaiken loves Adjectives."
ak: Refurbished is totes the way to go ... as it's the way I went, obvs. Probs to be safe get two pairs, these are so hot they'll get stolen from under your pants.

Now that I've moved on from the farmland to The Moms and our Xmas is said and done, I can say = dysfunction city. Truth is always stranger than fiction ... they are nice people for having owned such a farm, though. I used to find it so fascinating in contrast to my liberal college town upbringing, and probably still would, if it still was.

Our brains, in general, it is safe to say, have no idea what's happening.

carlytron said...

in the immortal words of Parker Posey in my favorite film, the house of yes, "Pennsylvania's just this state that gets in the way when you're trying to get someplace else." (have you seen that? have we discussed this? you need to see it.)

I think they would use LOLgay as a title before they'd use LOLcat ... and in this episode? Max would do a computer search to find LOLgay pictures. Obvs.

"logarithms" is the title of the l word / num3ers crossover ep. true story.

riese said...

Ooo! Let's do a whole recap in lolgay format. I wonder how long that would take to get really annoying to everyone.

I'm well-versed in the entire Parker Posey cannon, obvs. We have discussed ... 'cause I know I've talked to someone about that movie lately, and I feel like the planets are aligning to suggest that someone is, obvs, you.

carlytron said...

It was probably me. I own it, if we need to watch it.

Re: LOLgay. We were at a meeting at work the day we were told that we were losing our benefits, and one of my co-workers grabbed a copy of Genre magazine that was (of course) lying around, took a Sharpie, and wrote "I has no 401k" or something like that on the shirtless model dude on the cover. It's still sitting in our conference room, too.

Lozo said...

you're never getting me in boy shorts (or out of them -- again) unless your attitude starts getting a little more christmassy in regards to me coming.

holy innuendo.

anyway, this is the part of the comment where i'd say merry christmas if you hadn't killed jesus.

Haviland Stillwell said...

house of yes is most def one of my favorite movies...i have talked to you about it.

my brain definitely is not understanding what's going emotions have pretty much taken over, and my family knows i am the number 8 weirdo.

AK said...

Speaking of recaping in alt. languages. I have a present for you posted to my Bigger Brain blog. It is a recap of Season Four using sign language. I haven't figured out how to VLOG yet, so this is just the transcript, but I think you'll appreciate it more because you can read it. I'm afraid I couldn't include your favorite character because the words haircut, boy-shorts and butch were not given in my ASL class. I had to do Mangus instead to cover all the heterocentric words. I'll be posting the whole story later in the week. I did this part early so you could have it for holiday laughs.

Lozo said...

you're jewish. shouldn't you be, like, blogging or something?

it's the jeans said...

what did santa bring? he brought me a new video camera and editing software. watch out for some of my own vlogs.

word ver: ntyvekjs... this is what i'm pretty sure my Lebanese aunt made for dinner.

it's the jeans said...

also, more blogs over break.

riese said...

I think I'm going to make my Mom's computer explode because I just tried to open two tabs at once on safari. remember dial-up? so much fun.

carlytron: that's totally LOL-worthy. the real kind of LOLing, punctuation and all.

lozo: We didn't mean to kill him, we were just screwing around, like "oh! handcuff me! i like to be vulnerable! it turns me on!" and we were like "ok, whatever, i bet i can guess if you're wearing boxers or briefs," etc.

haviland: "my family knows i am number 8 weirdo" = no words. amazing. (and by "no words," we've obvs exchanged about 1,000 already today.)

ak: omg, hot. I will check it out as soon as I get out of 14.4K land, where nothing can be done but the bare minimum, like blog commenting.

lozo: I know, right? Talk to my Jewish mother, she's the one with dial-up. Also on Xmas Jews eat Chinese food and go to the movies. No but seriously I have all my blog stuff on google docs, which makes this computer explode. clearly this situation is driving me crazy and making me cranky, like an addict in withdrawl.

it's the jeans: a digital camera so now I can take pictures of things other than my own face. look out tegan & sara!

alicia said...

Newer reader, first time commenter.
With that out of the way...

Why the fuck aren't you making tote(s) bags?
Missed opportunity!

Lozo said...


...marie lyn bernard! come on! don't make me go outside!