Thursday, December 20, 2007

I Like Four-Girl VLOGS and I Cannot Lie

First of all ... BTW: WTF?! Moving on: so today I was at the hospital 'cause my friend's sick. She'd just had a flexisomethingsomethingscopy and she'd been moved back to the ER and then, 'cause of some apparently subtle emergency, all us visitors got kicked out of our loved ones' bedsides and back into the depressing waiting room. Probs there was no real emergency, I bet it was someone's birthday and it was cake time and they didn't want me to have any cake. Guess what? I don't want any cake, so whatevs.

Soooo ... I'm in the waiting room on Sparky McMacBook and this twentysomething Orthodox girl sitting across from me says suddenly: "You're a really great typer. Did you take a class?" I tell her no, I've just been typing for a long time. She and her Mom continue staring while I type. THEN the girl fully gets up, crosses rows, sits next to me, leans over and asks: "Can I watch? I want to learn." Can you watch? Can you watch me write email and look at storefront templates? I don't know, can you? Because that would really creep me out. She keeps looking. She's leaning, her breath is on my shoulder, she asks: "Is that e-mail?" and I was like, um, yes, and she asks, "How do you do it? Email? Is it free?" and where do I begin with that? She continues staring, I continue squirming, she asks, is it weird to look, and I say yes, yes, it is and she asks: "Why, this is private?"

Um, look here: you're a complete stranger. Every single thing I've ever done, am doing, or will do, is private as far as you are concerned. Also, I've already got a serious pet peeve about people looking at my computer screen -- people I know. She fully sat there and watched me write an email to Haviland. Then she told me my teeth were really white ("Do you use whitener?"), which isn't true, and eventually my rising boiling wrath must've permeated her consciousness because she wrapped things up, concluding: "Ok, there are your compliments for the day." Then she and her Mom started chatting about me in Hebrew, but the thing is, that's my secret language too, so I get it. Hello, I used to be fluent in Hebrew.

See, this is the kind of stuff you guys are missing out on if by some chance, unlike me, all your friends and loved ones haven't been struck again and again over the past year and especially the past two months by ridiculous-like hard random blows, e.g., deaths of loved ones and illness/injury.

So the other night we made a vlog, mostly for Cait. Lozo was supposed to come but he didn't. (I'm handing that to whomever wants it.)

It was a little weird, 'cause I kinda didn't feel like being a vloggy person. But these crazy bitches just kept talking, I've got approximately 500 hours of footage to mold into genius, this be only the beginning. Here's the first taste, expanded on the "not vlog" from the Top 10. We discuss thrilling things like thongs, boyshorts, bikinis, flying lesbians, drag queens, Lozo, fashions ... and we do our Cait imitation because we miss her.

28 comments:

it's the jeans said...

love. ready to order merch. will there be hoodies? critterific hoodies? also, do you know if the chinese restaurant West Side Cottage II still exists? i really miss eating there. if it does, and i'm not kidding, go there for plum wine, soup, and candy coated nuts. (that one's yours lozo). ny in february. can't wait! it's late. peace love and vodka shots.

flynn said...

so i was watching this and i saw your duvet and i was like "i'm sitting under THAT EXACT ONE RIGHT NOW" and it was kind of distracting. i mean, i love ikea? even though their furniture sucks monkeyballs and you shouldn't buy it? i don't know, you tell me.

also, creepiest fortune cookie ever, especially as it was given to a gay:
"Avoid the opposite sex today....yeah right!"
??? i don't know either.

Lozo said...

i am not watching this vlog out of protest.

a;ex said...

I vow to never again be under the influence while being taped/filmed/recorded by any medium (an exception will be made for sex tapes, obvs.)

Either that, or I'm really that much of a weirdo for reals.

Also: still so very impressed by your editing skills.
Actually, even more so than before.

"Chicken-fried baby" sounds delicious.

I'd like to say that Stef is very adorable in this vlog. (Riese, you're obviously always adorable, this goes without saying.)

caittt said...

i am going to be an equal opportunity praiser:
1. a;ex- at 3:10 you embodied how i often feel when riese and hav go off to tangent land.
2. stef- i mean, that fortune sums up many things yes? yes.
3. riese- what is there to say really- lol
4. hav- amazing facial expressions, SO many feelings.

Irish and Jew said...

i've seen some horrible thong wearers in the 2.5 days ive been a member of NYSC.

~irish

Ani May said...

hi,
i dont know if riese actually reads this but to whoever reads this,
i have a new blog, and im about to pots a major long l word post-my top 10 fave moments-i kid you not, its taken me about 8 hours to do...dont expect much though, its mostly cus of formatting problems...
anyhow its http://ani-time.blogspot.com

hope to see you there,
ani:)

Ani May said...

just read my post, yikes!-honestly, i can spell, its just that its 5 am here and ive been blogging for ages...
:P

stef said...

HERE WE GO. obvs. i still can't believe that; every time we try to figure out a way to tell the future we get wacked out shit like this. cait, i hope jason is taking good care of you in florida<3 send him my best.

i don't know where to begin really - that might be the best use of the 'beautiful blondes' tag yet. i'm glad i was able to get more mileage out of that wig. i just showed this video to one of my gays and he is now in love with haviland. of course.

and thank you a;ex. you look great in that hat.

riese, nice shoulder as always, stellar work.

merch will be ready very soon, ladies and gentlemen!

stef said...

ps - irish and jew, i totally read that the first time as 'and i've been a member of 'n sync.' do with that what you will.

Irish and Jew said...

Stef - hahaha oh yea we got back together im totally JT's replacement I do a mean "I Want You Back" ;)

~Irish

cait said...

since no one else has, i just also wanted to comment on the ridiculousness of the fact that you were in a situation where someone didn't know what email was or how to do it. srsly this falls into the category of if anyone else said it, i'd think it was a lie, but since it's you, it's just like, obvs.

Crystal said...

Totally John and Yoko.

For a few seconds the conversation about thongs blew my mind - it took me way too long to figure out that you guys were talking about underwear and not footwear.

Teclo said...

Are Riese and A;ex related? Seriously, are they twins? I freaked out a little when I saw two Rieses sitting right next to each other.

riese said...

it's the jeans: I think it does exist, because I'm 95% sure you're taking about the free wine place. I'd go there every day, but I've been so drunk every time I've gone and subsequently left that I've forgotten where it is every time.

flynn: Jenna (another reader) has the same duvet too! I put together my dresser from IKEA. One of the drawers won't close all the way and there's another that falls apart every time I open it, but I like to blame myself for that, like i often do in relationships and other unhealthy things.

Lozo: I don't believe you.

a;ex: See, that's how I feel when I see vlogs I've done sober -- note to self; be un-sober next time. I love how Haviland always has to regelate the unsobriety around her. In the immortal words of the always-adorable Kelly Clarkson: "Never Again!" I just ate a chicken-fried baby, it tasted like chicken and now is rolling on the floor.

caittttt: I hope that by "LOL" you mean "lots of love." Also, I hope you know it was your nice shoulder. I mean, I've heard things about how nice your shoulder looks right now, and let me tell you ... NICE.

Irish: So you see. What I mean.

Ani May: There are many things about the world that I do not know for sure, many mysteries ... but one thing anyone who reads this blog oughtta know is that Riese does, indeed, read the comments. How else would Riese reply to all the comments on every blog post she's written like ever? Riese is omnipresent, like Care Bears.

stef: I agree. The beautiful blondes tag has never really found a specific home until this very day, and it is basking in its own glory. The gays love Haviland. Samantha Jones said something about this, you know what I mean?

cait: What's beautiful is that I didn't even ask you to write that comment, you just did it. What's also funny is that I feel I radiate such hostility, I can't believe she actually did what she did.

Crystal: For the record I don't want to see anyone with a thong on their foot either. Unless I've just removed someone's thong underwear from their body with my foot, which I've done more often than I probably should. also, I don't like flip-flops, you know, thong footwear as I think you are thinking, and don't want to see those on people etiher. I think everyone should hide their feet.

Tecio: I'd like to say that you're the first person to make this suggestion, but in fact you are the 100th. We really believe that we look nothing alike, we just both have bangs in our eyes. Also she is a teeny-tiny critter and I am an amazon warrior, which implies non-relation. But you know, I think that it's because she's half puerto rican and i'm half jewish, and as we know those ethnicities are really indistinguishable from one another. also i know jewish is not an ethnicity, and on that note, I will stop talking.

loljoe said...

i am making my entire family watch this cause it is so amazing. you nailed cait. no worries guys.

Haviland Stillwell said...

this is amazing, riese...after 4 days in the hospital, honestly it was the best part of my week so far.

do you think i should bust this out at the savannah christmas party?

"uh, haviland, dahhhhlin, i don't know if you should be talkin about guuuuhhhlllsss in un-duh-way-uh!"

wow.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Hoodies are the sheit, boy shorts plus button downs is the clutch combination you missed, Riese and Semicolon are officially sistas from anotha mista, white bikinis get a BB Seal of Approval and there are no critters on this Couch, ha.

Also, I hear chicken-fried baby fits nicely in a bag.

PS
Much as I'd love to side with ya, Hav's totally right. Thongs are hot. There's no debating that. Unless she weighs more than me. Says the straight boy.

Anonymous said...

I love your VLOGS!! Looks like you guys have soo much fun!!

kazzie said...

i also sat here for a bit thinking thinking you were talking about pluggers, or flip flops, whatever you want to call them. but then it sunk in. i hate it when i go to the supermarket and there's like some middle-aged totally strung out woman with her 4 kids bending over to get something while her thong hangs out for the whole world to see. ick. the most uncool thing in the world.

also, the hat that a;ex is wearing - hot.
that is all.

caitttt said...

what else could lol possibly mean but lots of love? clearly that is what i meant. i knew you'd appreciate the 2nd comment cause that's how you roll. i would have loved to be there to witness this, but obvs i would have been laughing and just making the situation that much worse. it all sounds phenomenal.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

This is me making sure I get all bajillion heretofore unwritten comments emailed to me. Best blogger feature EVARRR.

Also, ... ... yeah, I got nothin. Never did, ha.

laurrrrita said...

boyshorts > thongs
just saying.

iamg said...

thongs. most of the time bad. not always bad. boy shorts ok. boxer briefs can suck a fat one. and boxers are poo poo. human body is (even in severely grotesque situation) the most interesting thing on the planet which is why i have been pushing a movement for the commando.( bold testing) free, non confining, one less layer between you and comfort. at first it will be strange but if u have an open mind and like to trying new things this is the wave of the future. after a year u will never want to go back to undergarments EVER AGAIN

over and out

the g

riese said...

loljoe: hey! thannkssss!!! be sure to show it to any family members who think haviland and i are drug crazed nymphos, 'cause this video will totally fix that impression. but totally, totally no worries. lol obvs.

haviland stillwell: I think Brooks would LOVE IT. I also feel he might not know what boyshorts are and get really confused.

bb: Boy shorts + button down = a girl who's just had sex with a boy or a girl-who-wears-men's shirts-and-is-slightly-larger-than-the-girl-in-questionl and is now wearing said partner's shirt. yes?

anonymous: we do!!!!!!!!!

kazzie: If I ever have 4 kids and have to take them all to the supermarket at one time, I am soooooo not wearing a thong. That's one thing I know for sure.

caitttt: I have this feeling that if you'd been there, you might just have pulled your hoodie over your eyes and tried not to laugh but totally laughed a whole lot, like jodi-deaf laugh. lmaoooo

oh hey you know what else is phenomenal?

the brooklyn boy: Hi!

laurrrita: Thank you.

imag: but then what if you're with someone and they turn you on a lot and you get really wet, then it will get on your jeans. I like that barrier. You never know, you know? Also, my pants are usually dirty, I like to protect myself from that. Can it be the wave of the future after our boyshorts sell out? I hope so. Still. True. The human body is ridiculous because it is so fucking interesting, obvs.

Lozo said...

alright, listen. lozo was told to come, and lozo comes on command, but then he was sorta told not to come, then an hour later, someone was all, "OMG! you have to come!"

to conclude, i would've come if not for an off-putting e-mail that made coming questionable, and that last thing i do is come when it's not wanted.

thus ends the vlog embargo.

carlytron said...

I have to disagree with Haviland, thongs are never good. Boy shorts + button down (or tank top) = the best ever. Just sayin ...

You left out YOU'RE TALKIN' CRAZY from your Caitisms, I'm kinda disappointed. My vast hoodie collection and I mourn my inability to be there for this.

And that blonde wig is totes ridic, in the best way possible. Well played, all.

Daria said...

additional priceless delight ... found!

grassy-ass

PS question: how come there's a little wheelchair man right by the word verification space? Answer me this... via Vlog, please