Tuesday, December 04, 2007

My Grown-Up Christmas Hannukah and Kwanzaa VLOG

Hello young travelers! Welcome to my show -- and what a show it is, tonight! Please recline and relax in your IKEA office chairs ... enjoy the soothing touch of your personal serving wench who'll be smothering your body in sweet milks and essential oils and, following this intensified moisture experience, the wenches'll employ their burly arms and serious elbows to attack into your aching muscles. Need them to stop? Just scream your safety word (I suggest "Hey Paula!"). Junior Wenches are available to provide you with a grande espresso drink of your choice. If you don't want your latte, Haviland, then get me another, I will drink two lattes. watch me go, I am Speedracer. Haviland needs only one thing and it is Diet Doctor Pepper. Ok So. Go Go Go.

Hey! I love editing videos. Open letter to Spike Jonez -- I don't now how to spell your name, but I'd like to find out. Call me. Or text me actually, I don't listen to my voice mails very often. I'd like to work on musical projects that promote pure pop taffy in the form of fresh eager shiny-haired teenaged girls, preferably those who've expressed previous interest in switching teams. What was I talking about? No one under the age of 16. Oh yeah, I would like to direct a dance mix of Britney's "Touch of my Hand."

We've been accosting vernacular for some time now -- I got "obvs "from Hav, and it was Tara who laid the "totes" on thick. "Probs" and "whatevs" were integrated to us by Haviland. I mean, Hav is the abbreviation queen. When you think she's thinking about you, she's not, she's thinking about "u." Carly brought "brill" and "boss" and I brought "full on" and "ace" from Australia. But one of Cait's early contributions was the word "critter" (more on this later, but think like Carmen De La Pica Morales on a couch curled up in a hoodie looking adorable) and the expression "talking crazy." This entire paragraph has a point and that point is: I am talking crazy. SO much so that you already know what that means.

Tonight we've just filmed some insane ridiculously good stuff though for the next Autostraddle Blog thing.

So this is VLOG version for Auto-Winners, there's no L Word direct product placement, just good old fashioned homosexual lovin' -- okay, we couldn't help but drop a Little L Word into there, but really it's mostly the nonsensical non-topical nonsense we're hoping one day will endear us to you, and then you will take us to your vineyard where we can frolick with tree fairies. Topics include: fond holiday wishes, laughing at each other, dancing in costumes and making sexual illusions. It's like an outtake reel for a documentary about a rock band, except that we're not a band, we're just three girls with nothing left to loose and our whole life stretching boundlessly before us, filled with funny jokes, small tragedies, and further sexual innuendo.

Think of it as an automated greeting card, like the kind with cartoons, but we're the kind of girls you can get in the real life, unlike cartoons, if you know how to talk the talk, walk the walk etc.


30 comments:

carlytron said...

true story: this blog was almost eaten by riese's macbook and would have therefore never lived to see the light of day. it's a hanukkah miracle!

ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR WINTER!?

The Spaz said...

Has it been forever since I've posted a comment? I think so.

Nice video ladies. Happy holidays!

P.S. You can't go wrong with Christmas in Hollis.

P.P.S. Now that I heard the Dreidel Song I have this craving for latkes.

Irish and Jew said...

my favorite vineyard... Trader Joe's haaaaa! That was classic.

Cheers
Irish

cait said...

omg I'm so ready for winter...and by ready I clearly mean planning as many escapes as possible..

Haviland you're so talented, however did you manage to sing the same song in the same key on DIFFERENT days, big things in your future, obvs

riese said...

carlytron: NOW YOU CAN BE DISABLED TOO

the spaz: IT HAS! Thanks! I heart Christmas in hollis, it reminds me of when I was growing up on the street.

irish and jew: The best part is, I've never even been there ... but my roommate has!

cait: I am so ready for winter. Did you see that puffy vest? So ready for winter. Like, is it winter? I'm ready, if so.

Irish and Jew said...

Oooh u must go! It's all about the Charles Shaw wine aka 2 Buck Chuck although here in NYC where everything is megs expensive its more like 3 or 4 buck chuck but the shit is still yum.

~Irish

dewey said...

Im glad you posted today just cos it gives me the chance to say.....

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

...and FYI its also Tyra Banks'!

Ingrid said...

Did you see that the NYT health section just did a story on Heather Kuzmich from ANTM? You're probs all over this alreds, but just in case.

carlytron said...

Wait did she sing those on different days in the same key? You're talkin' crazy.

HI BETTE.

Adam said...

This is in no way related to the post at hand, making me a bad commenter.

As of today, when I type 'ma' into my address bar in both my home and office browsers, it attempts to fill in with 'marielynbernard.blogspot.com' rather than 'mail.google.com' because I officially check this blog more often than my own email.

Something is seriously wrong with me folks. I need help.

Is there a local chapter of Auto-Anonymous?

Crystal said...

I'm ready for winter, but I've got a long wait ahead of me. The pre-edited version of this was awesome, btw.

If you do ever find one of those musical projects to work on, please recruit me.

stef said...

oh you three. you put me right in the hanukkah spirit, my precious little potato latkes.

Bridget said...

i, for one, am a big jally!

(that's a jew ally, which belongs 2 the group of jew allies.)

carly: YAY for this miracle of hanukkah and for which we didn't even have 2 wait 8 days or ask 3 questions...that's this holiday right? i'll watch the nanny for confirmation.

i am not ready for winter, howeves if there was wintery meeting at my " local chapter of Auto-Anonymous", as adam suggested,there would have to be Auto-Intervention vlogs - which i think could be kind of awesome.

then i think i could handle winter. yeah, with vlogs and more yule (my codeword for booze when the kiddies are about) i might even shovel snow or something.

dorothy said...

I am so glad for the Hanukkah miracle of this vlog because it made me smile- big ridiculous smile- to which I received the question "why are you grinning like that at the computer?" I may(read most defo) watch that many many times.

itsthejeans said...

did you knwo one in four people thinks they sweat mor ethan normal? degree commercials tell me so. this vlog tells me to smile an d ths bottle of shiraz tells me that it's gonna be a very happy new yearr. haviland, can you sing some spice girls in the next one? theyre back together you know?! thankmoses for the hanukkah miracle. my candle's still burining. are you? also, hanukkah makes think of the light my candle song in rent. like mimi totally would have botched it up for all teh jews just to get at roger. this doesn't make sense anymroe.

it's the jeans said...

it's a white hanukkah!

Haviland Stillwell said...

itsthejeans -

we all HEART the spice girls and are going to their concert in Feb! Yes, obvs I will sing some spice grrls for you, dear --

Also, isn't Riese improving on her ace editing skillzzz? I'm really proud of her!

Annie said...

that was totes reminiscent of "hey has anyone seen 'hey paula'?"

so not ready for winter

Annie said...

oh, and, i just saw "the little mermaid" on broadway tonight (it was free) and for some reason i'd assumed haviland would be in it... probs due to her random breaking into "ah-ah-ah..." and "part of your world" in another vid.

i felt let down :(

Mercury said...

Winter so blew us off this year. It came, for like 2 long seconds, and then it left, and now there's only a lil bit of snow on the rooftops, and it's still fairly cold and dark because winter didn't tell the sun about its plans, but yeah, it's pretty much the weirdest Alaskan winter of all time.

it's the jeans said...

mercury i dont know where you're from, because i didn't check yet, but winter totally effing threw up all over chicago and there is snow and merriment everywhere. [do you ever have those dreams where you do something sort of brave but totally realistic and then you wake up and it never happened. uhg i really thought i called into work and got away with it.] FEB? i must must go. perhaps later today i will post a blog about my run in with the spice girls. yup yup yup.

it's the jeans said...

oh wow ok yeah you're really from alaska. fuck, am i still drunk?

caitlinmae said...

your editing skillz are getting pretty damn impressive, Riese! It's a chanukah miracle!
I am going to jump on the auto-anonymous bandwagon... All of the editing computers in the film department now go to marielynbernard.blogspot.com when you type ma... because I live there (not kidding. there is a bed on the soundstage I use sometimes) and I feel the need to check for updates intermittently through the nights.
Can we get keychains for Auto-Anonymous? (oooh. that wasn't a friendly joke at all, no sir.) But it was a good segue into- I wrote you into a script... well, a boy you named Rhys Bernard. It's a script about the going through the five stages of grief in a twelve step meeting. Do I have to pay you royalties for jacking your name?
Also, as I said before, I live in the film building, so totes and obvs and ace are creeping into everyone's vocabulary. They have you to thank, it's brill.

riese said...

irish and jew: So I've heard ... it's so far awayyyy though in union square. Most of my budgeting problems are closely related to my inability to cart heavy objects significant distances. I probs should go, to replace what I drank with Carly that belonged to zoey.

dewey: HAPPY (BELATED?) BIRTHDAY!!!!!

ingrid: I didn't! Let me get on my kcwilliams account ... and nw it it the quote o' the day. NICE with alreds. xo.

carlytron: OMG I THINK SHE DID!!! She is soooo amazing. Not anymore though, now that she's been robbed of all her abilities by the deaf bandit.

adam: Just to make you feel (not really at all) better, I checked out my own situation w/r/t/ the auto-URL, and mine does the same thing. I think this IS the local chapter of auto-anonymous, right here, on the comments board. We hold mixers on Monday nights in my bed, there will be two buck chuck, someone else is bringing it.

crystal: I've heard all kinds of nice things about my pre-edited version. I wish I'd been less horrified and therefore could've copied and pasted it for my own reference, next time I think about typing post-ambien again.

stef: awwwwww. I'm not. Ready. for winter.

bridget: OOO like the intervention scene in The L Word? That's our favorite scene!

dorothy: I think the little nuances and small moments of brill-iance are only really accessible on the 4th or 5th viewing. Obvs I speak from experience.

jordan: You bet I knew that, I'm like a master of sweating statistics. I think you wrote that comment drunk, and as we know, drunk comments are my favorite kind. now i've got that song stuck in my head. i used to shiver like that ... i have no heat! ... i used to sweat ... i got a cold! ... uh huh i used to be a junkie ..

haviland: Awwww and I'm proud of you, for being on key so well in both of those scenes, holy moly! We MUST do that ballad they sing in the traffic, you know what I'm talking about?

annie: OMG, you are so right. I hope you caught the other vlog where I said it again about Hey Paula. "Why isn't Haviland the little mermaid?" is one of many things we ask ourselves every day and do not receive an answer to. Waa.

mercury: Global warming, totes. but it's coming back. I think winter will return to Alaska, you guys are like the hosts of the season.

it's the jeans: I read that comment in eager anticipation of the moment you realised that Merc was from Alaska, and then was sufficiently pleased when you did. Haha. Feb, yeah, Stef was all over that shit, she's like, very important in the music business.

caitlinmae: Thankssss!!!!! That is amazing about your script, and about turning Riese into Rhys. You don't have to pay me royalties, the attention and homage is royalties enough. I feel like one day I will be cursed publicly for this linguistic influence, like bart Simpson.

itsthejeans said...

riese: you bet your sweet ass i was drunk [ew who actually talks like that? me, apparently, but ew.] also, i am happy to amuse [re the whole alaska thing.]

haviland: i really hope i get some spice girl tickets for hanukkah. are you guys really going? there's a girl on america's next top model who looks just like emma bunton. remember when limited too had spice girl school supplies, lolly pops, and key chains? those were the days! i remember wanting to work there so i could buy all of them. that dream went away, but i'm still left with fond memories.

stef: there is this one girl who is really fun and really wants spice girl tix and would show much thanks with much vodka. just saying...

-jordan

cait said...

i can't believe i am about to admit this cause it is srsly embarrassing, but i may have been watching shot at love with tt: hangover, i can neither confirm nor deny this, but they had this totally wonky video clip of amanda doing all sorts of random things and as i was watching it was like, damn riese should have edited this. was there a point to all this? i don't know. the cold is freezing my brain, obvs i am not prepared for winter.

a;ex said...

I can't NOT leave a comment - you guys totally gave me a shout-out (sort of) and I can't be unappreciative!

This was awesome, ladies.

p.s. I don't know if I'm ready for winter exactly, but I can tell you a bunch of other things I'm fully ready for... (OOOHHHHH!)

stef said...

jordan: my motley crew is going with three posh spices and no scary spice... if you can rock the scary spice hair and leopard print outfit without being impregnated by eddie murphy, i will cut one of the posh spices in your favor - except not haviland because then i'm gonna lose my sporty spice too probably and not the one who's a dude because he already got the posh spice haircut and the dress. i'm actually going to two of these shows, and i am actually going to weep and shake and scream like it's beatlefuckingmania and everybody's going to pretend they don't know me.

i was just struck with the incredible irony of (one of the) posh spice(s) being the only one who can actually sing. i can't wait for the obvious tailgating party in our future.

it has nothing to do with being important and everything to do with being on top of my game, and also VERY VERY FUCKING FAST. remember that.

my word very is seriously kuqeer, like "k, u queer."

it'sthejeans said...

ok so here's the thing.

1. i have gold pant's like haviland's but i can totally come up with leopard. also, i can totes rock the scary hair. i may need to do a lot a lot of tanning before feb. but i mewan whatever! dammnnit reise i am drunk again.

2. so i just did some MEAN spice girls karaoke and i got tipped like hard core. uh so good. i don't want you all to thinklk i drink all the time buecause i don't really, i only do this month. because it was recently my birthday get it?

3. so... another with so...i stef i want in. real bad.

i feel like that was more than three things.

guys did you knwo i have a brand new blog. you can visit. it's the jeans. maybe after/ before spice girls you can see these jeans in real life. they're pretty good!

-jordan

dorothy said...

Mostly the multiple watchings were inspired because Carly is hot.