Saturday, December 22, 2007


"Everyone looks good in a pair of Auto-Straddle boy briefs!"
-Haviland Stillwell, prettiest lesbian in NYC

Gimme Gimme.
Gimme Gimme (more).

I hate the word "launch" used in reference to webbernet activities, but I can't figure out what word to use besides "launch" to announce the opening of the greatest webstore of all time, Automatic Apparel. Currently we've got Really Papi t-shirts, Automatic Win tanks and Automatic Straddle boyshorts.

That's right. It's open. Right now the product selection is limited and the sizes are too, so GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT.

If you ORDER BEFORE CHRISTMAS, you'll get a free Auto-Win/Straddle-Soundtrack! That's right, a CD filled with the musical delights I've annoyed you with all year long! It might make you want to kill yourself, but if I'm still here, you can still be here too.

So back to me: the word "launch" reminds me of lunch, my least favorite meal, and it implies flight (e.g., spaceships, time machines), which's a bit pathetic/ambitious 'cause, despite the implications of the word "cyberspace," computers can't fly. Only R Kelly can fly. Oh, you know what else can fly? That's right: eagles. When's "Save the Eagles Day," Riese? January 10th, only four days after my other favorite holiday, "L Word Day." Gee, now's a perfect time to start shopping for Save the Eagles Day! Where should we shop? I dunno ... um ....

In lieu of claiming to launch anything, let me put it like this: if you were to click this link to the AUTOMATIC APPAREL store, you might be surprised to find a plethora of delightful objects available for purchase, including Lozo's virginity, Haviland's hair gel, Carly's favorite pairs of sunglasses and Vicky's breasts (which you may recall were personally autographed by Tegan & Sara). JK! Just t-shirts, tanks and BOYSHORTS. All of this has been made possible by the stellar team of Stef and Semicolon. I'm just you know, writing about it. And um, not well, one could argue.

Though I can't say that these products will ship in time for the holidays -- or that it matters, 'cause really, is anyone actually at their computer right now (apparently this is a big day for shopping and traveling? I don't know, you kids with your friends & your families!) -- but, in case you're wondering -- and I think that you are -- the merch will be ready to ship in time for you to CLAIM that you intended to purchase these items for the holidays. It's just pretty unlikely they'll arrive in time. I mean, if JCrew can't do it, we probs can't either.

Also, critter alert: I didn't know how crittertastic Mariah looked in this video, but now I do 'cause I saw it at the gym today. I can't imagine anything better, besides of course Auto-Straddle boyshorts.

Also, I don't really know much about how all this works. I'm just being used for my starpower, obvs. Funds will go to the Auto-Empire Team and probs to some of the homeless people on 125th. Remember that the stronger the Auto-Empire, the less paid work we have to do, and the more time I have to dedicate to L Word recaps.

But seriously order now. Now now now. Stef is waiting to handle all the logistics for me, obvs.


Alle said...

First ever first comment! I am asking my woman for boy briefs RIGHT NOW. No travels here, because there is baking to be done. Cookies, cookies, cookies like crack. (Also, I would buy them for myself, but this time of the year, we have rules against self-purchases to avoid buying ourselves things someone else may have purchased.) Still. HOT.

it's the jeans said...

AHHHH store! so I'm getting boy shorts and a tee shirt tonight!!!! :-)

Stephanie said...

i bought a tank top!

Lozo said...

this is crap. my virginity isn't there. such a letdown.

oh, and i guess i see why MY t-shirt idea never happened....

Anonymous said...

oooooh! i love love love the really, papi, really?! shirt. but, maaaarie, i suspect i will sweat right through it. if i buy it nownownow can by bonus be botox instead?


stef said...

my tits look great in this tank top.

Haviland Stillwell said...

it looks FANTASTIC, grrrls! Can't wait to wear it all!

obvs we have to get something other than yellow, though...yellow + haviland = jaudice.

and obvs i have to give the gays what they want, and that is not jaundice skin...

having said that, yellow is HOT and if i could, i would rock it all the time.

yay auto-merch!

Crystal said...

The merch looks awesome ladies, nice one.

I'm going to hold off purchasing until march so I can pay with real US money, not the australian monopoly kind. Hope there'll be some left, but wouldn't be surprised if you sold out, it's all hot.

a;ex said...

Really guys... and I'm not just saying this cause I sort of designed it, but the "Really Papi?!" t-shirt is a winner. An automatic winner actually.

Like, it came out REALLY good kids!
snap them up before the L Word premiere... holla!

Riese, you're little concoction of photographs... so cute/funny/a work of art.

Lozo said...

hey, what the hell is that on semi's neck? i'm sure it's a hickey, but it looks more infected than a hickey. get that looked at.

also, still haven't watched that last vlog. i'm staying strong.

stef said...

a;ex: that your/you're is making me cry right now. i'm wearing my really papi? shirt right now and guess what? my rack looks great in this shirt too!

lozo: it's a stab wound.

caittt said...

ok anyone who knows me knows that i would NEVER say this unless it was completely 100% the truth. seriously guys, the t-shirt does SERIOUSSSS things to your boobs, makes them kind of out of control and is also super soft. i mean, i'm just saying, the shorts are cute too, and the tank top won't wash hav out... well done ladies. well done

riese said...

alle: first ever first comment response to your first comment! dude, I am on my second day of wearing these boy briefs, and let me tell you they are hot hot hot.

it's the jeans: indeed, and your little package is ready to be shipped, holla!

stephanie: and YOUR little package is ready to be shipped, holla!

lozo: I wanted to link to the hand job post, but I didn't want you to seem too lonely.

natalie: my botox is running out, so we can be sweat buddies again, don't you worry. You can cut off the sleeves like a biker, that'll also be hot.

stef: yeah they do.

haviland: No color could ever make your ass look jaundice, love. We got kelly green for your eyes of emerald green! Hey what's that I hear about a critter hoodie ... ?

crystal: My paypal account loves Australian money, you know that. You're getting a Tegan & Sara t-shirt for Christmas.

a;ex: sort of designed it? Um, hands down totes designed it. And ... although I've been made aware that the "you're" was a typo and not just evidence of your lower-than-average intelligence (as we all fawn over the shirts you designed) ... I like the idea that I am actually a concoction of photographs. Because it's actually sort of true.

lozo: We're never going to talk about your sperm projectory again if you don't watch it. Just sayin'.

stef: The Jets and The Sharks have seen your comment, and all I have to say is watch that rack of yours, it might get stabbed, I know you live in the hood.

caitttt: I know you, and i know that you'd NEVER say that unless it was completely 100% true. You're going to be quoted on that.

Anonymous said...

Riese ur hot. Thats all....

Victoria said...

wow. Way to link to THAT picture. If I ever forgive you, I'm getting a tank.

riese said...

anonymous: Thank u. That's all ...
victoria: Hey, you put it up, soooo ... you'll forgive me. Operators are standing by.