Tuesday, March 24, 2009

And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Goin'

I'm writing a really terrible Top Ten! Hi internet! What are you wearing! It looks RAVISHING!

Here's the thing: it's hard to maintain a personal blog for a long time. One reaches a juncture when one must either pop out a fried chicken baby or eight (therefore providing lots of baby stories, nap/diaper opinions etc.), stop blogging, or stop writing about themselves and start writing about sports, or shoes or something.

I feel a lot of anxiety that I haven't updated in many days, maybe 'cause I'm all about the follow through? But at the same time, I'm so just really truly happy about this new project and I've been waking up feeling more energized about my work and excited for the day's unraveling than I've been in as long as I can remember, perhaps since some really engaging classes I've taken in college and high school.

This comes at a time when I recently had a final straw of sorts with a girl I considered -- and said as much, to her -- my sister. She was a big cheerleader for me. Even if it wasn't true, it helped me and it felt real and empowering. I mean don't forget: when a madwoman shouted nonsencial insults to me, it too felt real and still feels real. I haven't forgotten a word of it. Whether any of those conversations were real -- the good ones I had with (uh huh) her, or the bad ones I had with another Her -- their emotional impact was cavernous as sky. Of course I'm lucky to have plenty of amazing friends in my life who've always been there and I know always will be -- Haviland, Natalie, everyone on Team Autostraddle and more ... but that doesn't seem to lessen my sense of what's missing.

I've sort of hinted at this in my last few posts, and it feels tacky to say it all outright, or even to go into any more detail than that, but it's left this strange hole inside me. But I think I have most of my feelings in this weird gray matter that doesn't have its own noun yet because that space is like the "opposite of "noun," it's "adjectives waiting for a noun and they will never find it but that's FINE." So it's just always a bit harder to navigate in the fog.

I don't know why I feel I need to apologize for taking five days off when only two or three people have expressed anything remotely similar to demanding an apology. Because I don't know how the new facebook works I'm not sure if Lozo has registered a complaint quite yet. So I ramble. Typetypetype.

When I said two weeks ago that I'd be back to a regular schedule here within a week, I was totally wrong -- if anything, every day has contained more and more things to do -- good things! - but things.


So what I'm saying is that I've been doing this long enough that I hope -- despite my complete weirdo-hood -- that you know I'm not going anywhere.

If anything I hope that going forward my posts here will be better than before. They will be more necessary.

Writing on the internet is fucking scary because I have about a bajillion words in the archive of this blog that probs haven't been combed over in months. I write something new and the old fades away, and that can be disheartening, and the temporary nature of it makes it easy to get away with sucking sometimes.

And I'm in that same spot I was in this time last year where I felt like I'd already said all the stuff about myself I was willing to say and every Top Ten I started to write required 40 searches of the archives to be sure I hadn't already said it. That's followed by an hour of self-doubt -- "Who am I kidding? Who would even remember what I said in June 2007?"

[That being said, when I don't update for a week, check out the ARCHIVES!]

I don't want to say something just to say something, I want to say something because I have something to say.

So if you've been here for a while you know that I never run out of things to say, and I haven't. I just need a bit more time to figure out how to say them, or for it to come to me in the night.

And I do hope to be back up to reasonable speed (aside from autofun, I haven't really been doing more than one or two full blog posts a week for a long long time now) once Autostraddle is established enough that I can stop freaking out about the financial risk I'm taking (and I wouldn't even be where I am with it were it not for the generosity of readers like you) and when things are running more like those well-oiled machines I hear of so often. I comfort myself, as I so often do, thinking of how Emily Gould doesn't post as much as she did before she became Emily Gould, but when she does, I think it's worth it.

22 comments:

B. said...

Hello, weirdo. Hello, you.

Word verif: "oddists."

Duck said...

Reading this after a night of no sleep and maybe a bit too much vodka makes me want to declare you the Absolute Queen of Weirdness. So for you I bow.

(sleep now and then probably read it again)statue

ooijj said...

i love your new project.
will you make your youtuv=be vids available in the uk? for some readon they're blocked (has the UK BANNED you??!! what did you DO??!!)
i have to go to work soon. sigh...

Brynne said...

I'm glad to know you're not going away.

Haviland Stillwell said...

my favorite thing that has ever been written (that i don't heed nearly enough):

"Be still when you have nothing to say. When genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it HOT." -d.h. lawrence

love love love.

burningsteady said...

Really, that's my favorite part about Google Reader. Yes, maybe I start to realize I haven't seen an update from a person in a while, but the time goes better when you're not refreshing the blog itself every day. Updates come, and they are fun, and we're all okay. (Also trying to make myself feel better because I can't seem to update for shit anymore, but by anymore, I mean like the last five years.)

Bren said...

Two things:

1)Autostraddle.com is amazing.
2)You are amazinger.

Anonymous said...

I was hoping her absence on AutoStraddle was because of behind the scenes work. You two seemed to have a uniquely special bond, I hope time can heal some wounds. True sister never sever ties. We'll all still be here either way.

rod said...

just passing through to wave back at you. And to cheer on your autostraddle efforts, tis beautiful. Push on, push on.

saint modesto said...

I don't mind that you're not updating as frequently here - it's kind of like things have moved to autostraddle, which I'm really proud of you for doing (I mean I'm really happy for you because I feel like this is something you've been wanting). Anyways, I'm totes rooting for you and will still read this blog even if you don't post for another year.

Al said...

I love the new project.
And I love autofun on this site, so I haven't minded that a lot of your posts have been those lately.
We know you're not going anywhere, and we still have the new project to keep us highly entertained. So don't fret.

Mindy said...

"I don't know why I feel I need to apologize for taking five days off when only two or three people have expressed anything remotely similar to demanding an apology."

As much as I love seeing updates from you in my reader circa 3am ("WHY is she awake right now?! wait...i should go to bed...")you shouldn't feel the need to apologize. Autostraddle is great - I love the layout and the way you've organized it. And that's coming from someone who's worked in web development for years.

secretly e... said...

OMG you shouldn't feel bad for not posting all the time. I feel grateful that you share what you do at all, whenever that may be. And I don't care if you repeat yourself, because if and when you have something to say, I will listen. Also because some things just bear repeating, you know? Also also because Autostraddle! Need I say more? That being said, the Autowin archives are full of Gold. I’m just a big fan of you, and I believe in you and wish you well, whatever you do. For real.
Oh and I’m just wondering: are ridiculous, overly-enthusiastic comments from self-conscious, anonymous internet weirdos real to you, or should I maybe tone it down?

ejw said...

I agree with Al. I think Autostraddle keeps us plenty entertained (almost overwhelmingly so, in a good way) in between Autowin posts (atleast it does for me) so there's no need to worry with unnecessary apologizes.

I feel like I comment on Autostraddle (kind of) regularly but have never actually said how much I love it. When I think of a really awesome, one-of-a-kind way to say it, I will...

caitlinmae said...

While each visit to autostraddle feels like standing on the precipice of something truly awesome (it is bound for GLORY and is already GLORIOUS- i just mean when you have 90 million pageviews a day glory) coming here feels like going over to a friend's.
the kind of friend where you can tuck your feet underneath you on her couch and throw on her hoodie if it gets cold, without asking, because it's just your comfortable space.
Autostraddle is a party. Autowin is the couch and conversation the next morning

viilady said...

I really want to help you in anything that I can with your website, film, editing anything, please email me if you need anything, your websites, here and autostraddle, and your videos have been such a joy to read and watch for the past few years, and I thank you for putting the time and effort into doing it!

autumn m said...

caitlinmae said everything i wanted to say. i just couldnt put it into words cause obviously im not that talented with the english language...or any other language for that matter. but yeah...i totally 2nd what she said. my thoughts exactly.

Stuff Queer People Need To Know said...

I know what you men when you lament older posts going by the wayside of new ones. It's sad, but hopefully they get better. The one problem is that there are a lot of good posts that go away and no one sees again

laura said...

i love reading anything that comes out of your weirdo little [big?] brain. and autowin + autostraddle [which is already kicking ourchart's ass] means i am doubly excited every time i get a little "1" on my google reader.

twoladiesinwaiting.com said...

Man, have I ever felt that.

in kc said...

I agree with caitlinmae as well. I also hope you don't feel you owe anybody anything in terms of your blog. As has been said, when it comes, it's worth it.

riese said...

All of these comments made me feel about 500 times better than before. I feel like responding to all of them would be one of those "thank you thank you thank you" situations, which make me feel itchy, so thank you to all of you. and also to answer this question:

"Oh and I’m just wondering: are ridiculous, overly-enthusiastic comments from self-conscious, anonymous internet weirdos real to you, or should I maybe tone it down?"

no, i love them, never tone anything down like ever.