Sunday Top 10: This One is For the Monkeys

Wednesday: out drinking with My Girl Stephanie, the honorable Stephen of the now-defunct Rambo:A Literary Agent, My Star Agent Cameron a.k.a. Book Cannibal, fellow blog-star "Gigi"a.k.a Life Regurgitated For Your Chewing Pleasure, Gawker-hawk agent Michelle and former co-worker and eternal laugh-track Vater AKA ForkLift AKA Lit Agent X......

"Oh my God you are so beautiful and your blog is so wonderful,¹ I mean, you must spend a lot of time on those things--on your blog entries, right? At least like, two hours or something?"
-Stephen

Yes Stephen, yes I do. The actual typing and making jokes part is really fast. Usually ideas are also fast because I am an Idea Monkey. But all the other stuff (what other stuff? Er, photoshop? Um, research? If I knew, um, geezus, wow!) takes forever-ever.

This week, the Idea Monkey is--ok, and also, I accidentally took two Adderalls instead of one. I realize this in retrospect. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown into a big white completely agitated calm. Bwazzah!

TOP TEN HALF-BAKED IDEAS FOR THIS SUNDAY'S SUNDAY TOP TEN

10. TOP TEN SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS SPOKEN BY FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, THAT, UNLIKE (DESPITE THE BACKLASH) BORAT'S "MAKE SEXYTIME," MAKE ME DRY AS A DEAD DINGO'S DONGER:

Number one would be: "Do I make you horny, baby? Randy? Do I make you horny baby, do I?"

My skin is literally crawling. In fact, it's crawling away from my bones and like, forming a new human and turning into a nun and running to the other side of the room where it can be far far away from any half-naked man who dares to utter those words in some frat-boy-turned-drunk-Brit accent. This is why, unlike everyone else in 1998 or whenever, I loathe Austin Powers. I mean, saying that? Basically ruins the possibility of me being aroused ever any time in the foreseeable future. I think that's worse than Borat.

Sascha Baron Cohen is kinda hot, right? I mean...he is. In any event, I'd shag him. Also I would shag Wayne, even if he said SHWING! Yup.

9. TOP TEN GOOGLE SEARCHES THAT BRING PEOPLE RIGHT HERE:
Mostly, I'd like to direct 50% of my web traffic to Tasti D Lite dot com. That, my dear friends of all shapes and sizes, is where you can find out how many calories are in your chemical rice-pudding-swirled-with-butterfinger sugary concoction. Side note; I'd recommend Pumpkin Pie, I just had some, it was better than Thanksgiving.
Also, I feel bad for whomever searched for "What is an NSA hookup?" and I hope he found some guidance here.

Other favorites:
bizzare fetishes
free dumb sang whips chains
jenny mccarthy foot rub
college ennui
orgie parties in Toronto
craigslist good girls
mtv true life jersey shore house location
homosexy


8. TOP 10 ACCIDENTAL DATE MIX-UPS: I was super proud of myself for calling my Mom on her 49th 50th 45th?Very Best Birthday, November 9th. It turns out that her birthday is actually November 8th! Who knew? If this was like, 1989, I'd probably be punished and have to sit outside "with all the other animals" like she made me do when I wouldn't stop rocking my chair or blowing bubbles in my milk. But also I'd like to add that Lewis didn't call her on the 8th or on the 9th, UPDATE: IN FACT HE DID NOT REMEMBER TO CALL OUR MOTHER UNTIL I REMINDED HIM OF HER BIRTHDAY DURING A PHONE CONVERSATION ON SATURDAY NOVEMBER 11TH AT 8PM, which means I'm the favorite child.

So it was gonna be other date fuck-ups, like when Janet and I went to the Mary Gaitskill reading at the Y on Monday October 16th and the usher told us it was on another night, so instead we walked across Central Park to my apartment and got stoned. Then it turned out it was the right night, but the usher had read the wrong tickets because he's even dumber than me, Lewis, or Janet.

"You're gonna blog about this, aren't you? I can see it already. Please don't."
-Janet, when she still thought it was her fault.

7. TOP TEN MOVIE-BYTES WE SHOULD BE REPEATING INSTEAD OF IMITATING BORAT ALL THE TIME (this is different than the make sexytime idea, seriously, like all the movies that we used to imitate, like, several years ago, in the old days, when I was still young):
"Do NOT go in there." (from Ace Ventura? When he goes into the bathroom? OMG, gets me every time!)
"Cowabunga, dude!" (or "Eat my Shorts!")
"We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" (Wayne's World!)
"San Dimas High School Football RULES!" (bill+ted)


6. TOP TEN "WHEN I DISCOVERED I LIKED GIRLS" STORIES FROM THE SURVEY: Then I realized it would do a disservice to my favorite story of all to crowd it with 9 others that cannot possibly realize the same level of glory.

"when i was like 11 or 12 i had the biggest crush on one of my really good friends i would sleep at her house EVERY weekend like all weekend long and we would play "House" or "doctor" and yea when we played them games there was always touchin in them special places but i didnt mind because in my head i was in love with her so it was ok"

Here's why that's awesome:
6a) It's all one sentence. Suck it, Faulkner.
6b) "them special places." That wording manages to convey her awareness of childhood naivete while also acknowledging the hindsight of a sexually adventurous adult. Amazing.
6c)The capitalization of EVERY. She's like : "Seriously, EVERY weekend. Even on holidays, bitches! Nothing stops the "doctor!" EVERY WEEKEND."
6d)"it was ok" not because it was fun, or because they were kids, but because they were in love (at least, of course--in her head). that is just too incredible for words, seriously.


5. TOP TEN REASONS SHEELA LAMBERT SHOULD AGREE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME AND LET ME INTERVIEW HER. Good question for self.

4. TOP TEN NOVEMBER SONGS, LIKE "NOVEMBER RAIN": Okay, the thing about November Rain is that it's like, 7 minutes long. I think men can get hard and ejaculate in like, what, 30 seconds or something? Where am I going with this? It's a long time for a 7th grade girl to be dancing with a 7th grade boy, so you better pick a good boy.

3. TOP TEN WORDS I MISSPELL FOR SUBCONSCIOUS REASONS: My therapist (who swears she doesn't read this blog) thinks I misspelled the word "marriage" in my survey because of my conflicted feelings about marriage. I said no, that cannot possibly be true. For example, look at this recent convo between myself and Haviland:

plaster: haviland I'M ASKING YOU TO MARRY ME
hps:haha, nice!
plaster: wouldn't that be funny though, if i asked you to marry me on AIM?
hps: yes, it would be pretty amazing.
plaster: when i do meet the right person i am going to ask them on AIM.
hps: we'd be the best married couple. no sex. lots of love.
plaster: like real lesbians.
hps: but i don't want kids. so thats not so fun.
plaster: i'd knock you up while you were sleeping.

Here's the other words I misspell all the time: Disney, restaraunt, pyschological, Wendsday. Simmer on that.


2. TOP TEN BEST WAYS TO BE WOKEN UP: On Saturday morning, MM knocked on my door--well, knock/entered--flopped down on my bed and announced. "I HATE the suburbs. They woke me up at eight a.m! Who wakes up at 8 a.m? People in fuckin' Piedmont with fucking like--curtains. Ugh. I hate the suburbs."

This would have been a good list, including but not limited to:

-My father cranking up "Wooly Bully," flipping my reading light on so the light shone directly into my slumbering eyes, and screaming while singing in my face. He did this almost every morning that I slept at his apartment. Sometimes Lewis (this is the bad son, p.s, if you're not paying attention) joined in.

-Matty smacking my ass and screaming "WOMAN! MAKE ME A BOWL OF CEREAL!" or "WOMAN! MAKE ME SOME COFFEE!"

-Scot knocking on my window at 7 a.m: "Adventure time! My Car got towed!" "Adventure time! I'm drunk from last night!"

"Hello, this is Simon, your cruise director!" (anyone on the Rfamily cruise to alaska in july 2006 feels me on that one. holla, gay-mos!!)


1. TOP TEN ELECTIONS: You know, like how the Democrats won the house? Hey, how come no one reminded me to vote? (that's a joke, monkeys)

All I could think of was the Interlochen Student Council Race of '98, in which Manisha Snoyer--who had doggedly run for office and lost for three years in a row--pounded the podium and screamed "OBVIOUSLY I WANT TO BE YOUR VICE PRESIDENT AND WOULD DO A GOOD JOB, OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T GET UP HERE AND RUN EVERY YEAR AND LOSE AND HAVE YOU ALL LAUGH AT ME AND MAKE FUN OF ME AND THEN GET UP AND LOSE AGAIN! I KNOW I'M NOT COOL OR POPULAR BUT I WANT IT! ELECT ME! ELECT ME! I WILL WORK HARDER THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THIS STAGE!"

(Those caps are entirely necessary, for reals. That's how she said it!)

Obvs she won V.P, and that was AWESOME. Below you can see the yearbook photo. Coincidentally, I also got a special spot that election year. Secretary. I composed the weekly notes for the school, which were really quite funny because Manisha gave me lots of material. I'd write them all down in my note-pad while also responding to the vaguely sexual drawings and comments Ingrid would scrawl in the margins. I think that was the beginning of my training to become a blogger.


¹ the part about me being really beautiful and my blog being great is me just reading Stephen's body language, but not because he actually said it.