Thursday, November 23, 2006

The L Word: Season 3 Recaps, Season 4 Anticipation, Automatic Straddle Blog

Every January brings: slush, hibernation, manic depression, promiscuity, 500 extra fucktards at the gym who bring like, pint size freezer storage bags to do their makeup and five hair-burning implements that take up the entire locker room even though their "workout" consisted of ten minutes on the treadmill at 5.8, lots of good sales at department stores, a slow month at the Macaroni Grill and my favorite holiday, L WORD PREMIERE DAY.

The fourth season of The L Word premieres on January 7th, 2007. So I'm gonna be doing L Word recapviews (yeah, I just made that word up. This is a "blog," BLOG, so you know, simmer on that particular word) on my brand-new companion blog, created for this purpose... Automatic Straddle . I'll post the beginning of each re-cap-view here, and then you can read the rest (and comment, if you so desire) on the other blog.

But First; KC and Elka of the "Planet Cast" do such an amazing weekly L Word round-up recap podcast that I can't even begin to compete (AfterEllen has it's own fantastic recap as well) so I'm gonna do something a little different with mine. Oh also--I have learned a lot about making fun of television from the Americas Next Top Model recapper, four-four. So I must also thank him. Also I'd like to thank God and my mother.

So, because I know I will never be KC and Elka, or FourFour, or ScribeGirl or whatever, I'm just going to post all the photos of breasts and tell you how good their breasts are. I'm going to track my bisexuality over the course of the program:

Yes, I know this will be hard to swallow for the 6-7 survey-takers who complained about like, not having enough space on my survey for intersex people or something, but whatevs, Deal, as my favorite lesbian ever once said "You have to laugh at yourself, 'cause you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't." Gay men and Margaret Cho figured that out a long time ago.

Also I will track:
Foreplay Count
Sex Count
Lesbian Squabble Count

To warm up, and to make sure those of you that missed the train wreck of Season Three are on board for Season Four, which hopefully is the best season ever, besides Season One, I'm gonna start NOW re-living (that sounds better than re-capviewing?) Season Three. I just got it in the mail. If you are cool, you did too.

Here we go:


Not Good for Lesbians: Opens with women looking at their vaginas in mirrors. This is more or less a metaphor for the entire season. They literally pass granola around. Like, in a bowl (I don't get this choice of snack, I mean, granola is not that easy to eat without milk, that's why it's called "cereal"). Hopefully none of that granola got misplaced, because we could be talking serious yeast infections here, and I mean TALKING because that's what this show is all about: TALKING about vaginas.

This is one of those feminist groups that we read about in Women's Studies that figured out how to have orgasms with mirrors. Did you hear that? That's the sound of any heterosexual man you conned into watching this show with you leaving the room. Yup. That's the door slamming. That's your copy of "Our Bodies Ourselves" being tossed into the room and hitting you in the head.

This sharing event leads into the very first Lesbian Foreplay Moment of Season One.

1. Lesbian Foreplay #1: The Feminine Mystique
The players: Teri and Marilyn
Pickup line: "Did you know that you could be sexually fulfilled?" (Teri)
Hot or Not?: Desperate housewives are pretty f'in hot, in that like, AM Homes kind of way (I think she may have written some of this episode, which is why this episode, unlike some other episodes, doesn't suck)...the concept of like, violating someone's innocence is always hot but unfortunately unsettling, but doing it to housewives is the happy little medium where we can all get off. That's pretty much Showtime's Mojo: The Happy Little Medium Where We Can All Get Off. I mean, she's wearing a lavender CARDIGAN. Waspy McWasperson. Poor Chet. What a sucker.

2. Lesbian Foreplay #2: Wake and Shake
The players: Lara and Dana
Pickup Line: "With your metabolism and the workout I'm about to give you, you can indulge in my little breakfast soufflé" (Lara)
Hot or Not? Like a JCrew catalog, but with lesbians and people talking about metabolism before having sex. In the next scene, she pretty much looked the same, body-wise, so I guess Lara was right about that souffle. And by soufflé I mean vagina.

Typically, I would up the Kinsey meter towards Lesbo-Heaven here. But unfortunately, because Dana has broken Alice's heart, and because I love Alice, I cannot enjoy this scene without being overcome by the sharp pins and arrows of Dyke Drama.

Continue Reading "The L Word: Season 3, Episode 1, 'Labia Majora' on Automatic Straddle