Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The One Where I Almost Start a Trend, Do Christian Slater, Become the Favorite Child

There was this boy (read: many) in college who enjoyed bragging to his female friends about how he "almost" "hooked up" with this-or-that young lady at this-or-that-party (read: Rick's American Cafe, which was not, I should point out, an actual Cafe. It was JDate-Live for boys with cell-phones bigger than their cocks).

The goal, of course, was to inspire his paramours to say to one another: "I mean, he says he almost got with ____ (usually her name would be Rachel, Lauren, Becca/Becky, Lindsay, Sarah, Stephanie or Allison). So maybe he's hotter than I thought?"

But, like, you know? 'Almost'? I've almost done a lot of things. It's pretty easy to almost do things, the challenge, of course, is in actually doing these things. There's a reason why we are all almost getting hit by cars (or, at least I am). Because there is something that stops us every time from actually getting hit by a car. You know what that "something" is? Reflexes and Fate. Or, in my case, a companion who yanks me by the beltloop and yells at me.

I am almost a Rock Star:

(actual proverbial rock stars)

Because I am cooler than you, I get to go to nice things and see famous people all the time. This only matters because when I talk to non-city-dwellers about my life I can just like, talk about famous people? And then they don't care as much that I haven't like, "finished my book" or "accomplished very many long-term goals" or "found love" or "gotten out of debt" or any of those traditional marks of "success."

Caring Family Member: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Did I tell you about the play I saw on Monday?
Caring Family Member: A play?
Me: OMG, so I was at the Broadway premiere of "The Little Dog Laughed" AND the after-party with Haviland, and guess who was there? Christian Slater! Yeah, we almost had sex. Tom Everett Scott was in it, and so was the guy who played David in Roseanne? He was actually really hot, too, like way hotter than when he was dating Darlene. Wanna know who else was at the premiere? Okay, um, well: Lisa Kudrow, Nathan Lane, Jane Krakowski, Richard Kind, Caroline Rhea, B.D Wong, Tommy Tune..... CHRISTIAN SLATER!!!" He was almost sitting next to me.
Caring Family Member: Oh my Word, that is so exciting! Is Darlene a lesbian?
Me: Speaking of lesbians, have we discussed The Cruise?

C.S. actually was sitting nowhere near me, but he was def. looking at us. Remember in Pump up the Volume when him and Samantha Mathis were dancing and she had her shirt off? I think if he just spoke to me, like in his sexy Christian Slater voice, I might like, die or have an orgasm or have an orgasm and then die. US Weekly says he's kind of an alcoholic, but um, I'm not sure exactly why that's a problem.


I am almost a Person of Great Wealth and Leisure

Let's talk about my day on Monday:

First I woke up and I hit the gym after a nice lean pocket quiche? and I then trotted back home for a warm steam bath shower.

Then I went to my Upper East Side plastic surgeon and got botox.

Look.....I know what you are thinkin'. It's not for my wrinkles (cuz yo, I'm young and beautiful, obvs, no wrinkles yet, though I'm expecting all that Tanfastic time to add up sooner or later and I will have to fix that), and it's not for whatever else it is that people over 26 (I'm 25, and I've been hitting the B-to the - oh-tox for three years now) use botox for. So it's actually not glamorous at all.

And um, I've been pondering this....do I talk about this? But then I saw the good work being done by Miss Teen USA contestant Frances Rivers, and I was inspired, like her, to take my cause to the public eye and not be embarrassed for the betterment of all people who suffer from this very real condition (I'm being serious, and if you scoff at it, I will poke your eyes out with my attitude).

Then I went to my psychiatrist, also on the Upper East, to get an RX for some uppers and some downers. I love him, too. Yeah, I don't know. To be honest with you, there is a tiny little shred of me that might, given the chance, jump Dr.Cohen's bones. If he read this, I'd probably kill myself, and hopefully he can write me a prescription for that.

Then I went to see The Little Dog Laughed open on Broadway with Haviland. Hilarious, full frontal nudity, Julie White, who was amazing in Six Feet Under, is so sharp and brilliant and witty, her performance is like, Tony winning or whatever. Go see it and you will laugh your ass off, which will lighten the pain when I poke your eyes out with my attitude.


I am almost so far ahead of the curve that I AM the curve. Here's why:

Exhibit A:

ME: October 11, 2006
: In my interview on Susie Bright's blog, I said that the (bad) stories I am seeing "these days" at the lit agency are:'"The DaVinci Code" rip-offs, and five-volume epics involving mythic lands and vampires.'"

THEM, A BIT LATER: November 8th, 2006: Gawker's 'Unsolicited' recently published an interesting piece (read Cameron's take on it here) written by an editor, written to "agents," in which the editor said: "Don't send out a manuscript if...."it is clearly a half-assed mass of pages trying to capitalize on whatever the latest trend is ("it's the next Da Vinci Code ... plus vampires ... and elephants!")"

Exhibit B:

ME: October 12, 2006
In my blog entry "The One Where I Blind you with Science,Genius, and Glitter Glue, in which I discuss various genius ideas for additional blog entries beause Janet said I didn't post enough, I suggested that I "eat nothing but Tasti-D Lite for an entire week? You know, like Jared Fogle did with Subway sandwiches..."
THEM, A BIT LATER: November 13th, 2006: Some douchebags really smart writers at Columbia decide to eat nothing but Tasti for an unimpressive three days. They talk about it on their 'bwog' and are linked by Gawker...wtf?! Just don't come to me for the calorie count, ok?

Exhibit C:

ME: Everyone knows my favorite quote EVER is: "Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off...but it's better if you do." It's on my myspace page, it's on my journal, it's just like, it's just everywhere. It's from "Closer." I also always use Alice Ayers as a code name, which is why nerve.com probably still gets mail addressed to "Alice Ayers, BIG BAD MAMAJAMMA" cause that's what I put as my name and "position" when I needed to lie to get information to do marketing surveys as an intern.

THEM, A BIT LATER: Now Panic at the Disco! Has a new song. Guess what it's CALLED? 'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.' That's right, motherfuckers.

Did any of these people copy me? Nope. I just have my pulse on the finger of this generation. I mean, strike that, reverse it.

I almost burnt my entire box of Eggo Waffles
no, i kinda did.

24 comments:

Noxious said...

I have nothing funny or cohesive or relevant to say except, you're still amazing, Riese! I used to always be almost getting hit by cars, but now I'm here, where there are no cars, but there is a "Service Only Vehicles" sign, which I occasionally yell at, "SERVICE VEHICLES ONLY! For god's sake, this school is so fancy, why is that hard?"

Stephen said...

Marie: love the new design of your blog -- and the blog itself. When I read it, all these people who I see around and know from work or in a mundane way suddenly are transformed into beautiful, fabulous, witty players on the stage of your life. Or something like that. Fun. :)

marie lyn bernard said...

Rachel: were there a lot of cars in Alaska?

Stephen: Aw, thanks friend. Still working on the labels and all that. I was finally invited to the grand world of bloggerbeta. Which is far more exciting than it sounds.

Jenna said...

i'll totally agree with you being almost ahead of the curve. but just for a reference point... the following song on panic!'s album is titled "but it's better if you do" - panic! likes to ''borrow'' ideas from lots of sources. in fact, their song "time to dance" is based off of the book invisible monsters. eesh. i kinda hate that i know all of that... but i was 'almost' ahead of the curve when my ex, who is obviously an ex for poor taste in music, forced panic! upon me months and months before their album was released. sigh.

Jenna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Noxious said...

Anchorage is the size of town where you really ought to have decent public transportation, but don't. (I think, like, 250,000 people? which is nothing to you new yorkers but Alaska's boggled by it.) I mean, unless you count really exquisite bike trails as public transportation? (I guess I should take up cross-country skiing? People do that.) And by not decent public transportation, I mean busses that run once every hour and a half, are never on time and. like. have no stops, anywhere. don't run on sundays or between 10pm - 6am. So yes, everyone drives. And I lived right on Spenard, which is a curvy road by the airport that has "XXX VIDEO" and crappy motels and gas station cuisine and streetwalkers and 4 lanes and lots of people driving stupid. drunk, and stupid. And we jaywalked often.

I like the new colors/scheme/labels/etcetra too. I really like that I can use my blogger account to post again. (It was hating at me.)

steph said...

christian slater is in true romance. HOT

Stephen said...

I can't follow your reply to my comment, Marie, but I think you're making fun of me. Again.

marie lyn bernard said...

jenna: really? hm, i'm pretty sure that we are both cooler!than them anyhow.

stephen: i am so not making fun of you (seriously,i'm not, there was nothing funny about that comment, was there? am i dumb? did i miss something?)

steph: yes, and HOT

rachel: that's how they were in Ann Arbor too, we called the bus "the shame train" because the only peopel desperate enough to ride it were um.....the mentally handicapped and those below the age of 16. i often fell into the latter catergory.

Book Cannibal said...

Marie: This new blog thing disorients me. You switched sides. Did I have too much to drink at dinner?

Thanks for the shout outs!

Guess who the new Graphic Novel Expert is?! Anyone read graphic novels and want to talk to me?

Stephen: You claim that Marie's posts make ordinary people seem glamorous. I hope I am not one of those ordinary people - I hope I seem glamorous 5 days a week.

Stephen said...

Marie: Whether or not you're making fun of me, keep the shout-outs coming, OK? At present you've mentioned me 11 times on your blog, while you've mentioned 90s nostalgia *18* times. Do you love 90s nostalgia more than Rambo? Hmm.
I think I'm offended.

Steph: Your profile pic on myspace is so hot I'm going to comment on it as a 19 year-old sex-starved meathead would, i.e., by half-literately writing : "Mami u R so HOT hah love u n that pocision."

Cameron: You are not glamorous five days a week, darling, tho. I wish I could foster that illusion. May I remind you of the orange stains on your polo today?

Book Cannibal said...

Oh, Stephen, this means war. "We're so fighting," as your fav client likes to say. If you had bothered to report to my office like a good soldier, you would have noticed that I switched out the polo for a white unstained beater.

What now, bee-atch?! It don't get any more glamorous than a white beater. Somebody's got to keep it real, ya know, Mr. I'm-wearing-a-white-shirt-with-mini-pocket-on-the-chest-and-a-graphite-tiger-on-the-back.

I'd bet all my tiger T's that Marie's got my back on the beater-glamour. Keep on layering those beaters, Riese!

Stephen said...

OMG - you exposed my graphite lion Banana Republic t-shirt to the world? Shit! Do you not realize that the unwashed masses envision publishing's #1 hottie wearing Brooks Brothers dress shirts with Michael Kors ties day in, day out?

Readers: I am wearing $200 Diesels with said embarrassing tee. So there.

Book Cannibal said...

Stephen gives up so easily.

(sigh)

Stephen said...

Wait - did I acknowledge your glamor somewhere in the above post?

The fight's still on.

Stephen said...

Five Reasons Why Your Beater is so NOT glamorous:

1) You're not offsetting your beater with huge Prada sunglasses;

2) You're not carrying a grande mocha latte while walking around NYC in said beater;

3) Lack of handbag, lack of toy dog in handbag;

4) Given that you take tae kwon do, you may actually *be a beater. Which is so NOT GLAMOROUS;

5) Have you trashed any hotel rooms lately?

- S

marie lyn bernard said...

anyone wanna know what I'm wearing?

ok, i'll tell you. black tights, a black pleated skirt and...you ready? BEATER. (no bra, stephanie, if you're keeping up with this madness).

you guys are funnier than me. you should have blogs. i enjoy, however, all of the comments on what i imagine to be the worst blog entry I have ever written.

stephen, please do something that will inspire me to write about you more. um, kiss some lesbians or something? i mean, i can only wax poetic about Beverly Hills 90210 and Dunkaroos for so long.

And Cameron, just a little hot water should get that right out. Remember when I would get my shirts dirty (every day) and then try to dry them on the backs of chairs in the kitchen at 95th? That spoke right to the little man inside Don that liked things neat, orderly, and relatively spotless. Part of the reason there is no kitchen. Sink. Or whatever.

you are mentioned far more than my family, or than my Natalie, so you know, that's something.

Book Cannibal said...

Stephen: the only accessories my beater needs are my two guns. What? You want to time? Flex one. That way to starbucks. Flex two.

Marie: Thanks for the hot water tip, though I don't clean my own clothes. That's what Stephen's for.

Stephen said...

Marie: Don't you think the bar is a little high? Making out with lesbians. Being crowned as the hottest man in publishing. These things don't happen every day, even for yours truly. Meantime Haviland, like, changes her hair-do and you give the girl five paragraphs. Consistency please.

Cameron: blech. Go get me some jamba juice - pronto!

steph said...

hi

Haviland said...

Hey, Stephen...this isn't a competition. Riese can write about whatever she wants. And don't you think the masses need to know about my hair changes?

steph said...

haviland. you missed this conversation, but stephen just wants to cuddle. seriously. he's just waiting for the right moment to ask.

Janet said...

I can still hear the song that was playing when Christian and Samantha were making out. It's amazing the things that stick with ya.

Stephen said...

Steph: All part of my master plan.

Haviland: Prepare yourself.