The One Where I Almost Start a Trend, Do Christian Slater, Become the Favorite Child

There was this boy (read: many) in college who enjoyed bragging to his female friends about how he "almost" "hooked up" with this-or-that young lady at this-or-that-party (read: Rick's American Cafe, which was not, I should point out, an actual Cafe. It was JDate-Live for boys with cell-phones bigger than their cocks).

The goal, of course, was to inspire his paramours to say to one another: "I mean, he says he almost got with ____ (usually her name would be Rachel, Lauren, Becca/Becky, Lindsay, Sarah, Stephanie or Allison). So maybe he's hotter than I thought?"

But, like, you know? 'Almost'? I've almost done a lot of things. It's pretty easy to almost do things, the challenge, of course, is in actually doing these things. There's a reason why we are all almost getting hit by cars (or, at least I am). Because there is something that stops us every time from actually getting hit by a car. You know what that "something" is? Reflexes and Fate. Or, in my case, a companion who yanks me by the beltloop and yells at me.

I am almost a Rock Star:

(actual proverbial rock stars)

Because I am cooler than you, I get to go to nice things and see famous people all the time. This only matters because when I talk to non-city-dwellers about my life I can just like, talk about famous people? And then they don't care as much that I haven't like, "finished my book" or "accomplished very many long-term goals" or "found love" or "gotten out of debt" or any of those traditional marks of "success."

Caring Family Member: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Did I tell you about the play I saw on Monday?
Caring Family Member: A play?
Me: OMG, so I was at the Broadway premiere of "The Little Dog Laughed" AND the after-party with Haviland, and guess who was there? Christian Slater! Yeah, we almost had sex. Tom Everett Scott was in it, and so was the guy who played David in Roseanne? He was actually really hot, too, like way hotter than when he was dating Darlene. Wanna know who else was at the premiere? Okay, um, well: Lisa Kudrow, Nathan Lane, Jane Krakowski, Richard Kind, Caroline Rhea, B.D Wong, Tommy Tune..... CHRISTIAN SLATER!!!" He was almost sitting next to me.
Caring Family Member: Oh my Word, that is so exciting! Is Darlene a lesbian?
Me: Speaking of lesbians, have we discussed The Cruise?

C.S. actually was sitting nowhere near me, but he was def. looking at us. Remember in Pump up the Volume when him and Samantha Mathis were dancing and she had her shirt off? I think if he just spoke to me, like in his sexy Christian Slater voice, I might like, die or have an orgasm or have an orgasm and then die. US Weekly says he's kind of an alcoholic, but um, I'm not sure exactly why that's a problem.


I am almost a Person of Great Wealth and Leisure

Let's talk about my day on Monday:

First I woke up and I hit the gym after a nice lean pocket quiche? and I then trotted back home for a warm steam bath shower.

Then I went to my Upper East Side plastic surgeon and got botox.

Look.....I know what you are thinkin'. It's not for my wrinkles (cuz yo, I'm young and beautiful, obvs, no wrinkles yet, though I'm expecting all that Tanfastic time to add up sooner or later and I will have to fix that), and it's not for whatever else it is that people over 26 (I'm 25, and I've been hitting the B-to the - oh-tox for three years now) use botox for. So it's actually not glamorous at all.

And um, I've been pondering this....do I talk about this? But then I saw the good work being done by Miss Teen USA contestant Frances Rivers, and I was inspired, like her, to take my cause to the public eye and not be embarrassed for the betterment of all people who suffer from this very real condition (I'm being serious, and if you scoff at it, I will poke your eyes out with my attitude).

Then I went to my psychiatrist, also on the Upper East, to get an RX for some uppers and some downers. I love him, too. Yeah, I don't know. To be honest with you, there is a tiny little shred of me that might, given the chance, jump Dr.Cohen's bones. If he read this, I'd probably kill myself, and hopefully he can write me a prescription for that.

Then I went to see The Little Dog Laughed open on Broadway with Haviland. Hilarious, full frontal nudity, Julie White, who was amazing in Six Feet Under, is so sharp and brilliant and witty, her performance is like, Tony winning or whatever. Go see it and you will laugh your ass off, which will lighten the pain when I poke your eyes out with my attitude.


I am almost so far ahead of the curve that I AM the curve. Here's why:

Exhibit A:

ME: October 11, 2006: In my interview on Susie Bright's blog, I said that the (bad) stories I am seeing "these days" at the lit agency are:'"The DaVinci Code" rip-offs, and five-volume epics involving mythic lands and vampires.'"

THEM, A BIT LATER: November 8th, 2006: Gawker's 'Unsolicited' recently published an interesting piece (read Cameron's take on it here) written by an editor, written to "agents," in which the editor said: "Don't send out a manuscript if...."it is clearly a half-assed mass of pages trying to capitalize on whatever the latest trend is ("it's the next Da Vinci Code ... plus vampires ... and elephants!")"

Exhibit B:

ME: October 12, 2006 In my blog entry "The One Where I Blind you with Science,Genius, and Glitter Glue, in which I discuss various genius ideas for additional blog entries beause Janet said I didn't post enough, I suggested that I "eat nothing but Tasti-D Lite for an entire week? You know, like Jared Fogle did with Subway sandwiches..."
THEM, A BIT LATER: November 13th, 2006: Some douchebags really smart writers at Columbia decide to eat nothing but Tasti for an unimpressive three days. They talk about it on their 'bwog' and are linked by Gawker...wtf?! Just don't come to me for the calorie count, ok?

Exhibit C:

ME: Everyone knows my favorite quote EVER is: "Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off...but it's better if you do." It's on my myspace page, it's on my journal, it's just like, it's just everywhere. It's from "Closer." I also always use Alice Ayers as a code name, which is why nerve.com probably still gets mail addressed to "Alice Ayers, BIG BAD MAMAJAMMA" cause that's what I put as my name and "position" when I needed to lie to get information to do marketing surveys as an intern.

THEM, A BIT LATER: Now Panic at the Disco! Has a new song. Guess what it's CALLED? 'Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.' That's right, motherfuckers.

Did any of these people copy me? Nope. I just have my pulse on the finger of this generation. I mean, strike that, reverse it.

I almost burnt my entire box of Eggo Waffles
no, i kinda did.