Sunday Top 10: The New York Experience

My Little Brother Lewis has spent the weekend in New York City, which is where I live. He came all the way from New Orleans (YEAH, that New Orleans. Uh-huh. The one with the weather and the rain and the high winds? Yup. Yeah. Fo' real. Yes, he still lives there, yup, he lived there then, too, etc.) I'm not a great hostess because I dislike crowds, other people, and overpriced drinks (well, I dislike the first overpriced drink. After that, it gets easier and easier), but I'm trying my best to provide a New York Experience, e.g. saying "This is the WORLD FAMOUS New York City subway" every time we get on the train.

I'd like to share some tips with you, my readers, on how to give your out-of-town guests an authentic slice of the Big Apple, and how to keep your charges awake in the city that never sleeps.


SUNDAY TOP TEN: HOW TO PROVIDE VISITORS WITH THE ULTIMATE NEW YORK CITY EXPERIENCE! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I SAID ULTIMATE!


10. SHOW YOUR GUEST SOME ART. ART IS FOR THE PEOPLE.
Take them to Target Free Friday nights at the MOMA. This will remind them of waiting in line for the Raptor at Cedar Point, except instead of being wedged between a 180-pound, 4-foot-5 sunburnt pre-adolescent eating a cotton candy puff bigger than his brain and a teenage couple necking and wearing matching air-brushed t-shirts that read "Class of 02," you will be traveling between a team of emaciated Williamsburg hipsters and a family of five Norwegians who are all a good foot taller than even you.

9. SHOW YOUR GUEST SOMETHING AVANT-GARDE. Makes Your Guest Feel so Existential and Stuff, Like Outside of my Body but Looking in?
Once inside, please direct him to the following art-works and please urge him to consider what these pieces of art have to say about; space, time, culture, life/death, the futility of love, the interconnectedness of all human persons, the evolution of thought, etc.:
-a large panel painted earth-green
-a wire tacked to the wall and then extended to the floor, where it is also tacked
-a square of dark blue tile set in the middle of a gallery, much like the flooring placed in the middle of an bloated living room in The Sims when you totally run out of money (you know what I mean if you play The Sims)

Side note: I love Rothko. I've bought many of his posters at the poster store. Whatever he does, I dig it. But this Marden guy? ... Look, I also believe that when people say "What is that? doodles? I could have done that." The answer is "No, but you DIDN'T do that. Which is why they are an artist and you work at Goldman Sachs/The Olive Garden." But sometimes--I mean--really. Seriously?



8. SHOW YOUR GUEST HOW FUN IT IS TO GO SHOPPING IN NEW YORK
It is always a good idea to go to major shopping areas on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and it is a good idea to bring your guest. This way, they can learn how to walk in the street, and how to employ a take-charge attitude. This will be very useful for those who live in The Big Easy.

This is Lewis, braving the masses of bargain-hungry shoppers, Saturday, in Soho.

7. SHOW YOUR GUEST HOW QUIRKY AND NEAT AND ALMOST-FAMOUS YOUR FRIENDS ARE, SORT OF
Have an Orphan Thanksgiving for which there is a lot of wine, a huge salad, three variations on the common potato, macaroni and cheese, marijuana, more wine, and no turkey. Invite a hodge-podge of friends who are in town, e.g: An art dealer, An Enterprener, An actress/singer and an actress/filmmaker/musician/roommate. It is best if some of these people know each other already, but not in the same way (perhaps) that you know them, and also if they each know random other members of your general web of friends. The more vague connections the better. Also make sure they are all good looking, like in movies. Here's what I'm talking about:


6. SHOW YOUR GUEST HOW FUCKING CROWDED EVERYTHING IS, ESPECIALLY MOVIES BY MASTERS OF WIT LIKE CHRISTOPHER GUEST
Take your guest to a movie for which you have to sit in the second row because all the other seats are taken. (Side note: when was the last time I saw a movie from anywhere but the second row? I mean, perhaps it's different, not seeing everyone's skin defects up close?) As the lights dim, a couple will enter the theater and a man will exclaim: "Why do they sell us 15 dollar tickets for a movie with no seats?" Good question, and the answer is: "This is New York, goddamit."

5. SHOW YOUR GUEST AUTHENTIC NEW YORK CUISINE.
Only in New York do bagels, pizza and hot dogs count as an authentic native dining experience. I didn't eat any of those things, but my guest sure did. In fact, I honestly didn't even know where to direct him to look for pizza, bagels, or hot dogs. However, if he had asked "where could I find a Snacks-4-life banana walnut cookie?" I woulda been like "Sit down, let me draw you a map."

4. SHOW YOUR GUEST HOW MESSY IT IS WITH EXES IN NEW YORK
Invite your now-married ex-boyfriend who is also now-a-police-officer to meet you and your brother and your brother's friend Liz for dinner. Because your ex has been trying to see you for like, months (and you have been refusing because you aren't the girl who sees married men anymore), he will be more than eager to meet you for dinner at Rosa Mexicano on his way somewhere else, which feels safe to you, but also guaranteed to be awkward. When there is a pause in the conversation, say something cute like : "Nice ring." You will realize you are--at last!--in the presence of a human person who used to take care of things and make decisions for you, and you will leap on this chance to make him pick what you should eat and then order it for you, which you recall being safe back in the day but is apparently not safe any longer because it looks like animal and so you just eat the tortilla itself, leaving all the chicken on the plate and making the margarita-to-food ratio approximately 4-1.

3. SHOW YOUR GUEST THE REAL SOUL OF NEW YORK CITY: NYC'S FINEST, ETC
Nag your ex-the-cop to tell 'the one about the guy who went through police academy and then as soon as he graduated and got his gun he shot himself in the head' and "the one about the girl who got an abortion and brought her fetus to class to prove she had a legitimate absence" until he chuckles nervously and suggests that perhaps you ought to tell the stories yourself because you know them so well.

(Pray your ex still doesn't know how to use the internet and does not read this blog).

2. SHOW YOUR GUEST THE JOYS OF "WEATHER" IN NEW YORK CITY
I had a particular challenge as my guest is from NOLA, home of the Legendary Hurricane Katrina. But still, it's always fun to try to catch a cab in NYC during a torrential downpour. TORRENTIAL. The kind of rain where opening your umbrella is like throwing a fetus into a windstorm. It's cute also if you make gestures to Mary (who is catching the cab for you because she has more moxie than you) to thrust her body in front of a cab in order to demand the proper amount of attention. Without putting her life at risk, she will succeed, because she is fearless.

1. SHOW YOUR GUEST HOW GRITTY NEW YORK STILL IS, REALLY, DESPITE THAT BATH AND BODY WORKS ON THE CORNER

Me: 'This is Washington Square Park. You know, like from the movie Kids? This used to be where people could buy crack. You can't buy crack here anymore.'
Drug Dealer (to you and your brother): I got herb, I got herb, want some pot, got some herb--

(a few steps later)

Me: I smell pot.
Your Guest: Yeah, that's definitely what that is.

In conclusion...
I've tried to cover all the authentic bases, though unfortunately we did not have time for the following authentic NYC experiences:
-Taking the Q train to Queens, accidentally
-Trying to get to Brooklyn on a weekend when the L is down
-Taking a train late at night where it's just you and the crazy guy with straws in his ears, who is performing an interpretive dance with small Duane Reade bags functioning as the other characters
-Waiting in line for brunch at Sarabeth's on a freezing cold Sunday morning


There's always next time!