Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I Want One VLOG I Wanted to Come Through, Oh, To Come True

[Title from this Tegan & Sara song, which you can listen to in the sidebar for burning-a-little-brighter purposes.] FYI, none of this is real. It's all a trick ... I mean illusion. Although you may've suspected that Riese is actually a cover for a 50-year old SARS-infected Unabomber living in a Nebraska basement/crystal meth lab, the truth is way hotter. In fact, Riese is a cover for someone even cooler than actual Riese! Real Riese can fly, obvs, is 75% lesbian, rides to and from work on a unicorn and when she dreams, she dreams in big bright colors about worlds resembling Milton Bradley board games, specifically Chutes and Ladders and Candyland. Her real friends are Gloppy the Molasses Monster and Princess Lolly. The former offers good advice, the latter has an agile tongue, which is handy. I think I've been reading too much experimental fiction lately.

Back in the days of Livejournal '03, [I believe I have 2-3 carryover readers, yes? Jenna? Carl? Hello.] I got frustrated that my boy's other girlfriend was [understandably] combing my LJ for hints about his secret life and, in reaction to this, I began posting on LJ as if I was in the Witness Protection Program. The best part of this game was taking new photos for my icon in my roommate's Marc Jacobs sunglasses. Everyone [all five of my readers] got really confused like "Are you really in Montana and if so why?" So I gave it up, though it was way more fun than telling the truth. I never expected my banner to be such prophecy, w/r/t honesty being a bitch, etc. Speaking of prophecy, what is truth? I don't know, I don't believe in it. I believe in only one thing and that thing is heart: is your heart good or bad? That is all that matters. You know the answer. Disowning your daughter for imaginary reasons, P.S., is bad, though I guess it's easier to handle when your wife is her age, it's like you can still be connected to our generation and not miss out on the latest developments in facebook applications, etc.

Also. Also. Also. I've got all these ideas, like for a glossary and a cast of characters and a more useful organised blogroll and such things, but for now I've sort of created this blog just where I can keep all the stuff I want to copy down every day, which's a lot of stuff, and also [also. also.] to archive the auto-fun of the day. Just so you know. The more you know, you know?

"I do not mind living
like this. I cannot bear
living like this.
Oh, everything's true
at different times
in the capacious day."
(Stephen Dunn, "Between Angels")
"No man has ever dared to describe himself as he truly is." (Camus)
So, I'm still gonna like, explain stuff later this week, 'cause it's obvs more complicated than it seems and I feel I owe y'all that after um, deleting my entire blog etc. But things'll be okay. There'll be no Dream Job [the hours/pay/perks were so incredible, obvs too good to be true], but I'm lucky to be surrounded by dreamy people, including Olive, who believes in follow through, which's also something I believe in. Last night Haviland and I discussed, for about an hour, the possibility that Olive is in fact an angel.

For now, I'm still riding the "fuck it" end of major depressive disorder, obviously. Thus, this week's VLOG, in which Haviland and I play "I've Never"/"Never Have I Ever"/"The Ten Fingers Game."

FIRST: If you're considering paying me to do something and are reading this blog to uncover my true self -- you know, all the secret and terribly relevant aspects of my past and recreational activities that will absolutely bear just as much upon my job performance as it does upon the performance of your other employees who've committed similar sins but don't have blogs -- I'd like to provide a disclaimer/rant ...

How has our culture come to this: we are obsessed with "uncovering" the truth, but we despise honesty ... and, right, what is the truth? After all, ultimately Olive and I were punished for deductions based on a version of truth I offered up here ... clearly we're dealing with a maniac and therefore, truth is about as real as the word "truthiness," or is about as real as Auto-Win. Whoever I am. I don't know who I am. I can't even write an "about me" for any of the 500 social networking sites I'm on, I can just give quotes. I mean, old-school AutoWin was so unlike my actual self, it was/is/was/is a character. We all become characters we become the stories we tell about ourselves, Often the facts I present here are about as true as fiction, and sometimes it's fiction but totally true. All I know is this: whatever I do say is somehow important, essential, necessary, honest -- to me, and hopefully, to you. Above all, I would like everyone to LOL as much as possible and LMAO or ROFL whenever possible and not to take anything too seriously.

Mostly I just want to make fun of myself and all the follies of my past & present and yours too, because life is obvs hands down totes RIDIC.

"I want to be consistent
with the truth as it reveals itself
to me," Gandhi said, and I felt
the hard permission right words give us
to disobey, to become ourselves.
I loved thinking that integrity
might be fluid, and still do,
though the indulgent, rudderless
and without shame, love to think so too,
and the truth is
the indulgent are my careless brothers
half the time."
-from "Loves," Stephen Dunn
Dan: When I get back please tell me the truth.
Alice: Why?
Dan: Because I'm addicted to it. Because without it we're animals.
-Closer, Patrick Marber
"You can doubt anything if you think about it long enough, because what happened always adjusts to fit what happened after that."
-Ani DiFranco, "Reckoning"

This is my weirdo story, for whatever that's worth, for whatever is true or untrue, good or bad, wrong or right, hidden or revealed, for whatever I've done or the ordinary events of my life I've converted into legend. I've obvs got more than this to say on the topic of truth, story, character, it's one of my favorites, clearly. But for now, this is like, the brillest vlog of all time. I'd like to subtitle it "a hot mess," and add, also, that there's so much brill footage from this one, there'll be another later this week fo' sho. Also, we weren't making out in the bathroom, P.S. and also I didn't ... who cares.

""None of us seemed to know the nature of the coincidences that bound us together, as I know now, or that junkies and masochists and hookers and those who have squandered everything are the ring of brightest angels around heaven."
(Rick Moody, The Ring of Brightest Angels Around Heaven)"


Lozo said...

Vitamin Water was your chaser?

And I love that I'm invading your vernacular more than you are mine.

riese said...

I'm not really into liquid calories, so it was literally the only thing we had in the apartment besides milk. And more alcohol. The worst part is: it was warm and had been sitting on my cabinet for 24 hours at least.

I am a vernacular sponge. Gimme gimme/gimme gimme/gimme gimme.

Lozo said...

ha. i totally got the britney voice that time. and another thing -- after "lozo," "drunk sluts" is my favorite tag.

Crystal said...

"drunk sluts" is my favorite label too.

I've never made out with anyone in a bathroom before. Putting it on the To Do list right now, right after I ride a unicorn to work.

Anonymous said...

next time, more unicorns. i'll let you borrow mine.

Adam said...

Riese, did you not just say like 24 hours ago that you were going to keep the horse and the harlotry our little secret?

That's it...I'm going to my local taqueria, I'm buying a taco, and I'm switching to Haviland.

stef said...

i tried vlogging today. true story. then i was like 'this is so lame, it is going to make it more obvious than usual that i don't really do anything but rip off other blogs' and deleted it. i'm jealous of your vlogiverse. also, there is a three foot tall bottle of vodka that sits next to my work computer... just thought you ought to know, for those lonely winter nights.

also i have made out in a lot of bathrooms. at least i think i have. i've been drunk in a lot of bathrooms.

alex vega said...

sweet gold-pants-wearing Jesus Christ on crack I'm gonna need to excuse myself after that...
too much awesomeness in one vlog.

flynn said...

v-logs (3.5 star) are awesome. Because I'm all like "wha..." and then five minutes later it's like "ohhhh". Kind of like watching the 6th Sense (1/2 star) but totes better.

My fave un-word is d.i. As in "I did d.i. shots and am going to puke all over your face." Awesome.

LMC said...

"I thought I could fuck the Republican out of him." Ha. That never works, does it?

Great vlog. I'm always like the soberest person during Never Have I Ever cuz I'm so gosh darn squeaky clean. I need to start making out in bathrooms, giving blowjobs for tacos, etc.

I'm going to be "away" for a while (in the hospital, but unfortunately not the psych ward, so chances are slim I will see any makeout action!), so I hope there's a ton of hot drunk sluts and VLOG action when I get back!

stef said...

OH and i've seen crack. a lot. i used to live in philadelphia. we use it as currency there! stick with me, kids. i'm a good influence.

asher said...

i concur. best vlog ever.
i love watching the alcohol take effect.

like when haviland is talking into the camera, and riese's eyes are just drifting off.

i am also impressed by the use of 'obvs hands down totes RIDIC.' yowsa.

cait said...

things that are amazing include, but are not limited to: drunk sluts & and high as a kite labels, your facebook reference as one would imagine it would be awkward being facebook friends with your stepmom's friends,also you holding that bottle at the end, your bedspread, haviland's facial expressions, the list could go on forever.

Oh and also, randomly enough, I've seen crack.. Pretty whack

hands down totes best vlog ever... obvs

LainyRae said...

ok. i lol'd. ha. such a great story; really a classic summer '05.

sigh... nation.........

haviland said...

I'll obvs write more later, but for now, I feel the need to tell you, Riese...Vitamin Water has liquid calories...a LOT more than anyone would think, being that it's water.

Yeah, it's true.

p.s. everyone? Riese wrote me the most AMAZING bio, which will be premiering on my new website, in approx. 24 hours (pending...)

Lozo said...

i would also like to say...15 comments already? 15? does my post even have that many now? this is crap.

i guess i need to vlog. i'm getting a bottle of vodka and some gatorade as we speak.

dear dear chicago said...

fuck. i wrote out my whole comment and deleted it on accident. here we go again...

smirnoff? really riese, really? i thought that was only consumed by college freshmen who don't know any better?

also... as if our love for my so-called life/jeff buckley/rent/the L word/old lj isn't enough... i have that EXACT same bedding! ikea ftw!

lastly... will you and haviland please please please come visit me in chicago. we can vlog from the windy city. it'll totes be an amazing time, duh.

Razia said...

Best. Vlog. Ever.

Also, really digging the rant.

Word verification: mmirntqf

Could possibly be you trying to spell "Smirnoff" after filming that vlog.

kazzie said...

"everyone is fucking crazy"

i lol'd to the max watching this. deadset. just awesome.

anonymous rieseophant said...


so i've been trying to think of something interesting/witty to say, beyond "more vlogs!" and aw, riese, you look so down i want to give you a big hug and pat on the back. chin up, and all that.

but then i was trying to do something else at the same time, checking out an acquaintance's facebook page, and i got the shock of my life. there was a picture there -- i saw it, quickly, out of the corner of my eye, and it made me laugh. out loud. and then i realized -- oh no! it was from lolcats.

i'm feeling a tad dirty now. need to head back out on to the internets and find something cooler to lol to.

word verfication: igfef.

basia said...

best vlog ever, agreed. LOL'd hardcore at the finish when viewing it late last night, probs woke up the neighbours (they must really hate me, esp since i also like to play electric guitar at 7am). i'm surprised no one's mentioned yet how cute riese's hair looks in this.

riese said...

lozo: after "drunk sluts," "books" is my favorite tag.

crystal: "trashwhore" is my favorite label. I also cannot believe you haven't made out with anyone in a bathroom. Try to make that happen today.

anonymous: it's a deal.

Adam: Never trust an addict.

stef: w/r/t the bottle -- I would find that kind of thing distracting.

alex vega: Jesus Christ just called and he said 'Totes me too."

flynn: I'm all like "ohhhh. ohhhhh. ohhhhhh."

lmc: Yeah, then he went and joined the NYPD.

stef: I bet someone sold my phone for crack.

asher: drifting, on a sea of forgotten tear drops, on a lifeboat ..

cait: Nnot surprised about the crack, I mean, that's your bag, right? Drugs? Crack? Whacko Cracko? Obvs.

lainyrae: Oh the way we were ... high as kites ... with sore skulls ...

haviland: Yeah, I totes know, the emphasis was on the limited options available in the house bc I don't normally buy such things. Why'd I get that vitamin water to begin with, I couldn't tell you. I'm out of control! Letting myself go! OMG!

I'm putting the website launch on my calender next to you-know-whos.

Lozo: You're doing a vlog with us.

dear dear chicago: College freshmen have something in common with me -- low funding. The best part of the vlog would be the sheets, like "where are we? the sheets are the same, but there seems to be more wind ..."

razia: whsadiotiofff?

kazzie: tell me how to put "deadset" into my vocabulary/vernacular.

anonymous riesophant: here's something cooler to LOL to -- The LOL Cats Wasteland. It's like, a little bit o'high, a little bit o'low, this could be a song, if i wasn't snorting so much blow.

basia: Thank you for the compliment about my hair. I felt I was at an awkward stage with it, but now I feel good about it. Not good enough to leave my apartment ... but good.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Word to vlogging, and a totes one-sided never have I ever. I will drink for making out ... and more ... in a bathroom, though I was first busted last saturday at my friends' housewarming party, after many years and locations of interruption-free seshs. I'm classy like that. Obvs.

Anonymous said...


The more your life goes down hill, the better your blog.

You just need to hit rock bottom and you'll be a big star baby.


veddog30 said...

Riese and Haviland...I am curious...who started the shortened word obvs? Because I know someone that lives in Minneapolis claiming to have started the word 10 yrs ago...but not sure i believe her considering she also says she started the pony tail and fleece.

Anyways...I have been reading the blog for a bit and am into it. I first started reading Riese from the L Word recaps...when I laughed my ass off. anyways...getting back to Automatic Win...My fav. blog moment of all time was the video blog where Riese was sauced and Haviland was sober and Riese says "Haviland just confessed she once gave a blow job for a taco".

And yes don't worry I really am listening to Hanson right now...Frightening. lesbians in NYC refer to themselves as BFLs (Big Fat Lesbians) as a term of endearment?