Monday, November 05, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: Why Don't We Get Drunk and Autowin?

Well, I've had a great week. The best part was when I got fired. The second-best part was when Olive [code name, see prior post for deets]'s father, my ex-boss, cut off Olive's electricity, phone, internet, TV, etc., and forbid her to ever see her 5-year-old brother again. Without lamps or maniacs there would be no light, y'all. [name that ... ]

If you missed the unfolding of this drama, which I obvs will extrapolate further later this week because secrets secrets are no fun, I was terminated following my boss's discovery that I'm a harlot drug addict. Specifically, he's troubled by my compulsion to blog about my "illegal activities, illicit drug use and sexual encounters." I know what you're thinking: but ... that's not true. I'd like to ask you to expand your mind and consider this: what if television characters were real? You know--what if Kit Porter wasn't a fictional character I write about on my "L Word" blog, but was in fact actually my real-life friend? What if when I make "jokes," I was actually "telling the truth, totes serious"? What if I wasn't just thinking about fucking Shane, but actually WAS fucking Shane? I know, that seems crazy, yeah? Well, newsflash -- people are fucking crazy, surprise.

Since I'm already in trouble for a bunch of shit I didn't do, I may as well just do it. As my good friend Paige once told my other good friend Shane, before fucking her on the kitchen table obvs: "Well um, you know what I think. Since we already did the time, we may as well do the crime." So, I'm having Lozo write my Sunday Top Ten, as I'm busy doing drugs and hot chicks, and Lozo writes about way more explicit stuff than I ever do. Lozo's also busy doing drugs and hot chicks, but he took a break from his chick-doing schedule to write this for me. That's the kind of nice guy Lozo is, which is why, unlike Mr. Redacted, he will be spending eternity in the kingdom of heaven with me and all my cool hot friends.

So anyhow. Enough about my half of Team Honest and onto Lozo's. I've outsourced the Top Ten before -- my brother Lewis wrote on things he wished he'd known when he was younger, my BFF Natalie explained why NYC is better than London [I have three BFFs: Hav, Natalie, Krista. FYI.] and TB explicated all the ways in which Opposites Attract.

When I outsource a Top Ten, I still have to pepper the piece with my own notes, 'cause that's fun for me, and all I care about in life besides illegal activities is having fun. Also, I add graphics. Because I like to provide a solid multi-media experience for my readers, and also 'cause it'll make your opiate high burn a little bit brighter, as I'm sure you, like me, are a drug addict. Also; if you really ARE a drug addict, I want you to know that I'm not judging. Whatever it takes to get you through the day, just don't be an asshole, that's really all that matters in life, thank you.

Also: I still have to edit the last two posts, and I owe like 100 emails right now. Also, y'all are insanely fucking awesome, it's like, ridiculous. Seriously. Hands down totes.

Sunday Top 11: A Drunken Heterosexual Pinch-Hitter
Hi. I'm Lozo. Or Dave. Or Dave Lozo. How's it going, lesbian community? That's nice. I have to say, you all look really great today. Like, I'd love to give you all a ride on the Lozo pogo stick in an attempt to "straighten" you out. See what I did there? That's what I do.

Well, here's the deal. Marie, MLB, Rieselette, Riese wanted to move forward with her blog. Break free from the sadness of the last few days. Give Auto-Win a "rebirth" if you will. Well, I'm part comedian, part gynecologist, so there is no one better to do this than me.

Riese gave me a list of suggestions for her top 10 this week. They were as follows:

top ten differences between lozo and autowin
top ten similarities between lozo and autowin
top ten difference between lozo's comments and autowin's
top ten moments of autowin
top ten crazy assholes
top ten reasons i actually read this blog
top ten things i wish autowin wrote about more often
top ten things autowin could do to make her blog better
top ten things autowin readers could learn from lozo
top ten things that make lozo and autowin's marriage work
top ten PSAs from lozo for autowin's people

She decided to give me 11 suggestions for her top 10. At first, I thought she wanted 11 top 10s, or a top 110 if you will, but it turns out no. It was probably totally probs totes on purpose.

I couldn't choose just one. They were all so good and inspirational. So instead of a top 10, I am going to do a top 1 from each category, and that will end up being 11 things, hence a top 11. I will also try to "Riese up" this post, as to keep everyone reading this happy.

11. Top 1 Difference Between Lozo and Autowin.
You might not believe this, but there are quite a few differences between a heterosexual man and a bisexual woman. I know. I didn't believe it at first, either. Just like that little kid in Kindergarten Cop pointed out, boys have a penis, girls have vagina. I'm pretty sure the kid left out "a" before "vagina" in the movie. But that's the obvious thing. Besides, people have told me at times that I have sand in my vagina, so maybe I actually have a vagina and don't know it.

But the hands down totes obvs diff between Lozo and Autowin is her need to abbreviate words that, in some cases, don't need to be shortened, and her overall mastery of inventing language. I mean, come on, Marie. You save a total of three letters when you shorten totally to totes. [But I cut syllables by 66%.]

For instance, when I first got here, it took me a month to find out what a totesbag is. I thought it was something you carried an umbrella in. I'm not joking. And I can't not think of the Arizona Diamondbacks when I hear the term "d-bags."

10. Top 1 Similarity Between Lozo and Autowin.
You might not believe this, either, but a heterosexual man and a bisexual woman have a lot things in common. I know, I didn't believe it at first, either. We both love Empire Records and Nolan Ryan.

Our biggest similarity? Besides our striking good looks and our love of naked women? I'm going to say sense of humor. [Also, we're both often home on Friday nights. Just sayin'.] [And Saturday nights.]

I feel like if Riese was going to be a straight male, she'd be me. And if I was going to be into chick-on-chick action, I'd be her. Because we seem to agree on just about everything that the other finds funny. For instance, we both get a kick out of bi-polar people who tell us our dead fathers are in hell and stuff. It's a real knee-slapper.

We always want to know what is with today today.

I'm just saying that while we may not agree on certain comedies, we both pretty much LOL or LMAO about the same stuff.

9. Top 1 Difference Between Lozo's Comments and Autowin's
This one is easy. You guys are clearly gayer. Ha. Kidding. My commenters are probably all gay, too. Clearly the difference is commenters here have no problem banging out 600-word comments and coming back and adding another 500-worder later. [That's a good analogy for how my commenters are in bed, too, FYI.]
My commenters? Just a bunch of dudes trying to get in my pants via agreeing with me all the time. And let me tell you -- I'm not letting that happen again. My ass totes hurt for a week. [I'd like to add that I don't like things up my ass either. Write that down, Mr. Redacted, under "sins I don't engage in."] [One of the funniest things Olive ever said, before it became foreshadowing: "[redacted] is my Dad's assistant. But he's so far up my Dad's ass, you'll probably never see him."]

8. Top 1 Moment of Autowin.
This one is tough. I'm relatively new to the game. For me, it was the first mention of me in a blog post. You see, I used to be taboo around here for obvious reasons, so I always felt like the secret friend, like that ugly girl Kevin dated on that episode of The Wonder Years. I think it was an IM chat that got posted on here or something.

Plus, everyone hated me at first because I left comments like, "So, Marie, in case you ever break up with your girlfriend, I'm 6-foot-3. Just throwin' it out there." The tide has turned since. The lesson here? Persistence and being tall pay off.

7. Top 1 Crazy Asshole.
So many ways I can go here. I hear certain people are taking their pills. I also realize we're trying to move forward, so let's take a different route here. The craziest asshole? Jenna Jameson.

Why? Well, I don't mean in it in a clinical sense. After all, I'm a gyno, not a psychiatrist. But I do know this -- she bleached her anus a long time ago, and to me that's crazy. Therefore, that's the craziest asshole I know of.

6. Top 1 Reason I Actually Read This Blog.
As the joke goes, all I do is skim for my name and read those parts. Which is kinda true. I mean, if I'm in it, I like to know in advance. I would just prefer to know if I should brace for something, for instance, Rieseycakes posting a conversation we have where I say I hate all my commenters.

But the reality is I really like Marie. And her blog is an extension of her, so I really like her blog. I think that's a huge part of the bloggingosphere. If you like the person, and that person is blogging about themselves, you will read it. I mean, I am neither female, gay, poor, or constantly in contact with imbalanced people, so it's not like I identify with what goes on. I just care about her, so I care about what's going on in her head. [Awww. Consider my heart warmed.]

5. Top 1 Thing I Wish Autowin wrote about more often.
Lesbian sex. I'm not kidding. What? Or sex with me. I mean, I know me and her have a deal where we're not allowed to make eye contact with each other (or the dwarf) or talk during sex, but still, I could sure go for an honest review of it on here. Besides, if psychotic old men are going to screw her out of money because she blogs about sex, why not actually blog about sex? I'm just sayin'.

4. Top 1 Thing Autowin Could Do to Make Her Blog Better.
Obviously, it's post more. Not that she short-changes us when she does, but twice a week? Come on. You shouldn't be posting as often as a married couple has sex. Maybe. If that. I want more. [Is this a common sentiment? I feel like if I post all the time, then people won't be able to keep up, let alone comment. Also, on that same token, and by that I mean, on the opposite token, I was saying the other day that I should consider just embracing the Auto-Win unemployability factor and become a full-time blogger. Like, every time I have a thought, I post. Like internet performance art. Pictures, videos, links, interpretive dancing, sex w/Lozo, whatevs. Live-drama.]

3. Top 1 Thing Autowin Readers Could Learn from Lozo
This is tough. There are so many, seeing as how I'm so totes awesome and full of knowledge. It's really hard to pick one, and I probs'll pick the wrong one, but here it is: I have a huge penis.

Kidding. Well, it's true, but it's not the one thing you could learn. It's this -- life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.

Kidding again. I don't know. This is hard. Like, first-thing-in-the-morning, waking-up-next-to a-naked-Heidi-Klum hard. OK. I got it. I'm going to give you the key to happiness. It's going to seem simple and weird at the same time. The key to life is this -- being able to see past the immediate present and being able to see the not-too-distant future.

For instance, let's say your life sucks right now. Your girlfriend just left you for some other girl with a short haircut, or you've had a death in the family, or you just got fired for hitting on your female boss. Whatever it is lesbians do. I really don't know.

OK. Focus on that immediate pain in your life. Sucks, right? The pain, the grief, the sorrow. OK. Ready? Good. The key to dealing with all that is to realize that at some point in the not-too-distant future, it's all going to get better. And that's a fact.

Well, if your problem is a missing limb or a terminal disease, well, OK, you got me, it's not going to help. But you will feel better about your gf/bf leaving you, your loved one dying, your loss of a job because you'll get a new one.

You just have to train your brain to realize that all emotions, especially pain, eventually subside, and you must remember that pain eventually goes away or gets to the point where it's much better. It's just something to keep in mind the next time tragedy befalls you. Try it. Do the necessary grieving, but just always remember, as bad as it is at that moment, it will get better.

Told you. Simple but weird. But so few people actually do it.

2. Top 1 Thing That Makes Lozo and Autowin's Marriage Work.

Clearly it's going to be Sunday Menages. Kidding. I think the key is going to be talking and doing stuff besides the sex. Because it's pretty much Earth-shattering. It gets better every time. I'm just afraid if we are just constantly doing it with Vodka bottles and Haviland filming it, shouting, "OMG! Lozo, you probs'll hurt her with that thing!" we are never going to talk.

And that's important. I'm just saying. Not every massage after work needs to lead to a two-hour passion session.

1. Top 1 PSA From Lozo to Autowin's People.
The more you know. I guess all I can say is this -- if you're a lesbian, you should make out with you girlfriend in public at all times. Especially if you want stuff. I'm not even kidding. If I got to my car, and two girls were making out on it and said, "Can we take your car for a ride?" I'd have the engine running before she even got "ride" out of her mouth. [That's not all you probs'll want to get out of her mouth ... ]

Hi it's Riese again. I just wanted to say:
1. Reading the comments on this May 15th entry ... [the post was about deleting my myspace] ... actually made my stomach hurt, 'cause almost every comment is so ... LOADED, in retrospect. Like: wow. Like: whoa! Also reading Carly being all like "Hi, I've never commented before but I really love your writing," is like one of the most heartwarming adorable things ever.
2. I mention it because I'd like to share Lozo's first comment with everyone:
"i'm not sure who you are, and i'm not sure where exactly you linked to me, but i just wanted to say you really remind me of elliot from scrubs, so i'm going to fall in love with you in about 7 minutes."

She's 5'8. Just throwin' it out there.


asher said...

haha. no one comments for lozo. haha.

vagina here. shocking, i know.

k-lilly said...

Does this mean you're bringing Lozo to Reno too? Cause we're probs totes going to Kelly Clarkson, FYI.

I mean, it might not be bad. I could totes use a het male named Lozo to help me get over the pain of my immediate present due to unstable people in my life, and, he could totes get us into the strip club cause you gotta have a straight guy with you, and I can never find one at the gay bar.

Anyway, I'm trying to meet the 500 word prerequisite but I think I've already proven myself in this manner, like..last March. ;)

Lozo said...

listen here, asher. this post isn't even up yet if you go by the timestamp. so stop making fun of me!

k-lilly, the only way you're getting me to go to nevada and not vegas is by the guarantee of a menage. besides, i shot a man in reno once just to watch him die. can't go back.

LMC said...

Elliot from Scrubs is hot.

Riese- you blew my mind with the new that fictional characters are real and by thinking about having sex with them I actually can. Wow!!! My life is so much better now that I can fuck Shane and Angel from Buffy and, like, Serena
Van der Woodsen on a regular basis.

Lozo- Your advice is good, but um, yeah, easier to say then do for me. It's like once I fall into the Deep Pit o' Despair, usually another crappy thing falls on my head, and it's hard to dig myself out or remember that there will come a point when I will have the energy/tools to do so. I feel like that made no sense whatsoever, but anyway--- good guesthetero blogging!

riese said...

asher: Sometimes, I go like, 2-3 hours before the first comment and you posted this one within like, one hour so I think we gotta cut the loze some slack. usually if that happens though I'll be like 'lozo, comment on my blog,' or ditto but sub "crystal" for lozo. you're supposed to go "OMG FIRST COMMENT!" like as if I didn't tell you to comment, like fyiez for everyone, i totally didn't. but that doesn't mean i wouldn't.
k-lilly: look here is the deal: i travel with lozo. we come as a package. lozise. riezo. omg, i just loled at riezo. srsly, why am i even trying to type whole words right now.

Also I have short hair now so I can pretend to be a straight dude. We can wrap me up like in Boys Don't Cry. Also totes proven.
lozo: good call, also what's funny is how your time stamps are fucked up.
lmc: also serena is in my bed right now p.s.

also the thing you said to lozo about the advice is also how i feel, like what do you do if something else bad happens?
riese: nice shoulder. go to sleep.

Razia said...

Dr Phil called, he wants his #3 back.

Crystal said...

Lozo - Your use of “probs'll” was ace, and #6 was kinda sweet. I liked your advice/key to life, and I'll remember it if I ever get caught out hitting on my boss, or whatever else it is that us lesbians do. But yeah, nice one.

Riese – I like your new labels, and the new perspective of doing the time/crime. Reading May 15 reminded me of a time when I could contribute more than: yeah, nice one. I don't know what happened.

The Spaz said...

Nice post Lozo! I especially liked number six.

My last boss was totally in the closet. She wasn't a particularly attractive woman but I sometimes thought of hitting on her to see how she would respond.

Sometimes she would look at me like she wanted to tell me something but then change her mind.

I'm thinking I should have called her on it even though it wasn't my business, she would probably have been happier in the long run.

Of course that's not to say that I didn't tease her and imply things about her in front of the other staff.

MoonKiller said...

Riese - loving the sarcasm.

Lozo - A* 'Riesing up' skills. Totes.

Also I'm naming my firstborn Elliot. : o.

basia said...

i gotta say, i love the labels for this post.

lozo - you are sexy. but you gotta stop hating on the pats. like, come on, their uniforms are sooooooo pretty and tom brady is SUCH a dreamboat! [insert girly giggle here]

d said...

lozo as a fellow hobokener i think i can help you out with the girls making out on your car because i enjoy your blog and because i would enjoy two girls making out.

riese i am sure olive will take good care of you

Allie said...

I never used to be a regular commenter. Just a reader of the lurking variety. But hey, since I've checked my Google Reader, like, four time already today, I'm on board for more entries. I promise I can keep up. It's not like you're *working*. Get to entertaining your masses already, huh?

Lozo said...

riese: my timestamps are fine. yours are messed up. you don't live in california, do you?

lmc: well, when i'm really down, the lyrics and sweet voices of tegan & sara get me through it all.

razia: oh yeah? well, australia called, and it hates you. ha! JK! OMG! LOL!

crystal: i knew it. lesbians are always on the hunt for poon, workplace standards be damned!

spaz: isn't there a secret handshake you can use?

moonkiller: hands down totes obvs.

basia: i'm dead sexy. but i can't tell if you're being serious about the pats. f them. f brady. he needs to put a cap on that hose or start paying some child support.

d: sweet. let me know. we'll film it, too.

allie: say hi to kate, and i'll make sure Mo-Riese satisfies your unending appetite for her. posts.

basia said...

lozo - i'm as dead serious about the pats as you are dead sexy. whyyyyyy do you hate them so??? they're the 2nd most entertaining thing i've ever seen in football (the 1st being cheerleaders, obvs). wes welker is such an animal, like, i wanna have his babies (except that i'm gay and hate children, so not really). also, you should blog more about hockey. i feel like the only time you mention hockey is when you're making fun a certain balding overrated alaska boy who plays for the blueshirts. sooooooo: more hockey, less pats hate, and then i'll sleep with you (or more like, get in line to sleep with you, i get the impression that there's a waiting list)

cait said...

Well done Lozo, totes brill, I srsly loled.

Also Riese excellent tags, blog more, rock on, etc.

stef said...

did you know that when jenna jameson was 17, she yanked her own braces off her face with pliers so she could be a go-go dancer? that chick is hardcore. don't read her autobiography btw. there is a reason she is what she isa nd does what she does, and it has nothing to do with her being a talented author.

as for posting more often, i say quality over quantity.

hearts for you and for olive, and maybe a little one for lozo.

Lozo said...

basia: your comments confuse. my penis is all, "yeah, let's do her," but my head is all, "f her and the cheating pats." i really don't know what to say, other than i didn't know scott gomez was bald. he can buy topical solution at Duane Reade.

cait: i'm so pissed i forgot to use brill.

stef: just a little one? i want a big one, damn it. two, big, huge bobbling ones. what were we talking about again?

and since i'm responding to comments not on my blog, i just want to say that you're all getting into the kingdom of heaven.

Bridget said...

i give Lozo an 'A' for effort!

brilliant little diddy.

riese said...

Razia: I have Ferris Bueller on Line 2.
Crystal:Yeah, nice one.
Crystal: Also, re: your re:Lozo, hahaha. Ha.hahaha.
The Spaz: It's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks about hitting on everyone just for sport.
MK: Good idea w/r/t Elliot, 'cause it could go either way. Boy or girl. Right.
basia: They're retroactive too ... though I'm not done entirely with that level of blog-makeover.
d: You're right. She totes will.
Allie:Google Reader is over me I feel. I re-posted my whole blog and they were like "whatevs."
Lozo: C'mon, now that we're in front of other people, you're all like Oohhh my timestamps are finnnnneee.... God. You always put on such a front, geeez.
Cait: I think rocking on and LOLing is the key to future succcess, hopefully.
stef: I will now take that bio off my amazon wish list, obvs.
Lozo: What's up. How are you? I just want to say that you look great tonight.
Bridget: I give him an "a" for "acrobatic." That's what makes our marriage work.

Lozo said...

riese: in order to be successful, one most project an image of timestamp success. and you're looking pretty good yourself.

bridget: i have nothing clever for you. thanks though.

AK said...

I was loosing traction there for a while and couldn't seem to hatch any comments on the recent Reisling narration, but with Lozo in the driver's seat going all earnest and Buddhist I am up to speed again.

(I was all ready to post this about five hours ago, but I was interrupted by a call from a very nice sounding chap from the U.S. Army asking if I had considered a career in the armed forces seeing as I was a student at SJCC. I'm just taking one class in sign language for heaven's sakes, how would that help the imperialistic war effort I wanted to ask. Well I was struck dumb and had to leave the house to see my chiro anyway, so I had to save my 500 word comment until I could return to finish it. And that's how come I'm always so fashionably late.)

Reise, my heart is in my mouth whenever you relate these income negating mishaps and at the same time I root for you living your authentic public blogging self. I wish you were a fictional character, then I could properly enjoy your Helena like prospects. Prison sex whee! You are living my worse nightmare of an artist trapped in the capitalist fascism of having to be employable. Luckily for my income generating prospects, my blogging life passes the drug and sex free sniff test. And nobody seems to be looking for commies these days. (My clients just want to get organized they don't really care what's going on in my angst ridden head. And because of my virtual rantings I manage to impart unshakeable calm in person so perhaps they are willing to let it go.)

Anyway you could declare that the party is by invitation only, set up a drug/sex free storefront that professes to be a metaphysical book club and support the Reise empire by charging membership fees. We could all feel like we had discovered the magic theatre portal in a Herman Hesse novel. And everyone would glamour to join because it would be so exclusive.

asher said...

alright lozo. you won me over with "the lyrics and sweet voices of tegan & sara get me through it all." that made me laugh. lots. just not out loud.

i must admit - the time stamp threw me.


riese - i've finally given chris pureka a chance. and like what i hear. burning bridges is so good.

Adam said...

As I remember it, entering the Magic Theatre ended poorly for everyone involved.

I'd ask if Paypal even had an option for sanity as a currency, but as the resident Red you'd reply that all currency is a little bit of madness, and it turns out I don't have a witty retort to that, so I won't ask.

Also, I 'totes' want to fuck Hermine with a vodka bottle...or vice versa even. 10 points for dredging up my biggest literary crush.

stef said...

bobbling? that's a new one.

AK said...

Adam, (assuming you were refering to me) I'm not a Red, anymore than Reise is a heroin addict harlot. But it would take an American to think I was. And I confess that I do not remember what happened to anyone who entered the magic theatre because I read that novel when I was 16 and quite incapable of deconstructing Western fiction so it just came across as a kind of literary Cirque de Soleil. So I stuck to non-fiction and yes would agree that currencies today are quite mad, esp. the dollar seeing as we replaced the gold standard with an "oil" standard. But really, we're here to save the Reise empire so all this is but a quibbling distraction.

Adam said...

Reise isn't a heroin addict harlot?

My night keeps getting worse.

But points taken, both about about the self-serving conclusion-jumping (which is our strong have to at least give us that we're good at it), and about keeping our focus on saving the Empire.

I'll try to keep my amoral desires regarding fictional androgynes from clouding my vision.

Adam said...

Someday I'll learn to write legibly, or at least re-read before I post...that was a mess.

The first 'us' with the conclusion jumping were supposed to be Americans, and the second 'us' were supposed to The us that you meant.

I suck.

Lozo said...

on behalf of america, adam and ak, i demand you start spelling it correctly. rIEse. not rEIse. it upsets her so much she can't even pick up the vodka bottle anmyore.

and i'm not sure who said it (because i'm too lazy to scroll, but to whoever called Riese a heroin addict harlot, let me tell you, she is NOT a harlot.

rocketdyke said...

nice job lozo. i dont actually read your blog, so i dont know if you talked about this, but i watched the notre dame - navy game this weekend, and even though i think football is kind of a wuss sport, the fact that navy won totally made me cry. i got all sentimental about it. it was weird.

reise, i think you should blog as often as you want, though i like the length of your blog posts, because there is usually so much in them that there is plenty of stuff for people to comment about, and i like reading all the comments too.

also, i know you have many other important things to deal with these days probably, but my offer still stands to help get your phone bill squared away, if you want.

today i did a deposition of a very very old man from bolivia whose wife had died in a hospital my firm is defending. he was a paint-maker in bolivia. he came to the deposition in the finest suit ive ever seen, mahogany colored, with a brown sweater vest and smart perfectly knotted tie. he said that he took care of his deceased wife in this life like she was a fragile crystal. his grief about her death was so poetic, it was astounding. i cant believe someone like him exists outside of a gabriel garcia marquez novel. its given me a lot to think about.

Lozo said...


LMC said...

Riese- Serena's not in your bed. I know cuz she's totes in MINE! Wait, unless there are two Serenas...

Lozo- The sweet voice and lyrics of Tegan and Sara are always a comfort. Thanks for reminding me. I also find a good Kelly Clarkson anthem helps me get through the rough spots...

caitlinmae said...

high five for lozo.

and riese-
I too am having possibly the worst week ever (it's time to bring out alexander again with the terrible horrible no good very bad day)

and so I want you to know, if you ever feel the need to go on a spree of punching Mr. Redacted and certain people who are fucking up my film, I have a lot of black spandex ninja costumes and I think we should go on a gonads punching spree.

AK said...

Oh dear yes, "i" before "e" it is. Thanks Lozo. I feel better already and Adam is forgiven his jumping. I'd also like to clarify that I am not implying that Riese is unemployable. It's just that in this market driven system artists are seen as products to be sold to the largest consumer market possible which inevitably means that we are reduced to Blockbuster Inc. family values. So we are not allowed to be harlots in the interest of artistic exploration because it would sully the brand and the company that employs us while we still need a day job.

Thus this dilemma of freedom of speech comes into direct conflict with our marketableness and we end up self censoring ourselves or eating shoe leather. It's amazing any new work is created at all.

It's the self censoring part that concerns me the most, so yeah, since we've already done the time let's celebrate the crime. Let's live in fictional Riesling sin (before she is sued for copyright infringement for blogging pictures of our favorite teevee characters. See how this works; they got us coming and going.)

AK said...

My GF, who has a job where she gets to hire and fire quite a lot, assures me that we still have rights here in America even if we are harlots, fictional or otherwise, and despite my feelings on current political climate. She thinks this is a case of descrimination and you should file a wrongful termination suit as was mentioned in comments in earlier posts. So yeah, this asshole sounds like another bi-polar knee slapper.

Peach said...

riese is hotter even to a hetro

riese said...

Lozo: Look, Mr. Smarty Man ...
AK: I wish I was Robin Hood. I just want someone to give me money that would otherwise go to their corporate bullshit, and I can live on that while writing for free, which is better I think. Yeah? I like magic things, and portal things, and Demian.
asher: try, also - cruel and clumsy, cynical and everything is free. she sings straight to my soul, fo'reals.
adam: I think your memory of the Magic Theatre is tainted by the fog of painkillers.
stef: I don't know what you're talking about but it sounds fantastic. Is it something I said?
AK: You know what I like about communism? Is the uniforms. Red is my best color. Also, I've got no clue what book everyone is talking about. I hope it's not Wrinkle in Time, I never really liked that book.
Adam: That whole doing-heroin-and-being-a-harlot thing is just between you and me, like, in private. obvs.
Adam: There is only one us in my life and it is Us Weekly.
lozo: HOLLA. And I think it was Haviland.
rocketdyke: My favorite part of life is when novels come to life. My least favorite part of life is when life becomes a bad novel where all the narrators are Brett Easton Ellis-y.
Lozo: (((((
LMC: There are as many Serenas as I want there to be, so there is some for everyone.
caitlinmae: You had me at "tights" and again at "gonads."
AK: Yeah, he is a bipolar knee-slapper, this guy. He knows I can't sue him because he's a lawyer and I'm broke. Money is power. OF all the novels I could possibly be living in, 1984 is my favorite.

I'll live in fictional Riesling sin too, count me in. My favorite part of that is the Riesling, because that's my favorite kind of wine, and I can do some handy things with the bottle.

I just read this Dorothy Parker interview where she talks about government funding for the arts ... like how the state should be supporting artists ... I don't know why I'm talking about this. I might as well be talking about unicorns.
Peach: HOLLA!

Anonymous said...

i love unicorns

riese said...

Are you a unicorn?

Anonymous said...

i wish. i only play with them

Prin said...

Totes is totes awesome.

Aww at #6 and #3. Maybe Lozo is a girl afterall (insert comment about inadequacy compensation with penis jokes here).

Bridget said...

lozo: let's be clear - you've never given me nothing. ever.

not that i'm bitter or anything.


reise: i give you a c for 'clever'


AK said...

The book I was referencing re: a magic theatre was Hesse's Steppenwolf, but maybe there are other fictional magic theatres.

I once met a student poet in the '80s who had been given a grant by his university to do whatever he wanted for an entire year. I was so stunned by such a concept that I stared at him like he was, well, a unicorn.

There used to be lesbian filmakers who got grants from the National Endowment of the Arts, but that just gave the Republicans something to abuse the Democrats with so I think it got gutted.

At a talk about activism I attended not too long ago, Starhawk talked about how activists in England could afford to camp at Greenham Commons forever (from 1981 to 2000) because they had health care and were on the dole. It wasn't much money, but it meant they could eat and not acrue incredible debt if they were sick. Such social welfare would help all kinds of non-marketable, humanitarian projects sez I, the Pinko socialist, not to be confused with a Red even though red is more my color, too, and I also love uniforms especially with lots of buttons and shiny black boots.

Lozo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AK said...

LOL, Lozo. And I might actually go for that in a fictional sort of way.