Monday, November 26, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: Anyone Living Anywhere Else Must Somehow, In a Sense, Be Kidding

I'm in Washington, D.C., home of the world-famous United States government, with Haviland and Cait. The hotel just hooked us up with a free bottle of wine to ease the pain of our recent move from the third floor to the fourth floor on account of the heat being broken in our previous room [Haviland's resting body temperature is -56 degrees, and it's wintertime]. I said I was gonna drink it 'cause it's hard to turn down free alcohol, but then I tried to, and turns out that Merlot tastes like ass. But, I keep drinking it and I'll tell you something, it gets better and better. So ... D.C. -- on Saturday night, we had dinner at this restaurant called Manhattan's, and it closes before we're done drinking. I ask an employee for a bar rec. He asks "What kind of scene?" and I say, "No douchetards or assholes." And he says, "There's [BLABLA] bar or [BLABLA] bar but you should go to [TURNED OUT TO BE LAME] bar, I say that because you're wearing black nail polish." I've got no clue what he means, so I ask: "Black nail polish? What does that mean?" and he says something lame and clearly not memorable about my alternative lifestyle and I'm like "Oh, is it really dark? Do they play goth heavy metal music?"

[Disclaimer: This thing needs to be proofread like WHOA, will do in the morning/afternoon.]

Unfortunately for me and my dark dark soul: no, it was packed tight with douchetards, the music was way more Hootie than Ozzie. We went somewhere else, it was awesome, life is awesome, I could never live in this city, there's a lot of pearls and Republicans. I've been here many times, and on recent trips I just feel like I'm in enemy territory. Apparently, according to Hav and Cait, it's unwise for me to keep yelling "Praise Allah!" in public. Whatevs, Shalom, Republicassholes.

I can't imagine a job in D.C anyone'd hire me to do [cash register at the HRC shop? They've got cute Marc Jacobs and Heatherette tees, seriously, buy one!], but regardless: absolutely could not live here right now. I'd considered Georgetown once, but when I visited, my friend advised against it. She said all the guys were ugly and wanted to be politicians or news anchors, and all the girls just wanted to marry them. She said it was grey all the time.

So Cait, Haviland and I started talking about where else in America I could never live. Then I had to write a Top Ten, so here we are.


First of all, if you live in any of these cities, I'm sure you're very nice and your city is secretly awesome, because you're reading this, and people who read this are the best kind of people. In fact, many of you do live in these cities. I know this 'cause I've got a sitemeter, though it thinks I live in Virginia, so who knows, maybe by "Cincinnati" they mean "Bangladesh."

Second of all, I'd live just about anywhere if I was building houses or helping people, even in D.C. I'd live in D.C to teach kids to read or make birdhouses. OK, mostly I'm talking about New Orleans -- obvs I'd live there if I was building houses or feeding people or performing juggling for people w/o houses, but I couldn't live my normal life there.

Cait suggested a major city in Alaska for a spot on this no-go list, because it's always dark, but I love the dark. As I've mentioned, I'm a vampire and I find dark days verify my negative attitude. Also, everyone's cuter in the dark, dark come soon. I can't stand the rain. This Merlot is supposed to taste like ripe plum, maybe they mean "ripe bum." I don't like intense heat or locales where people are always wearing bikinis. I hate New York, it's unbearable, but I love it too, it's beautiful, so what can you do?

10. Atlanta
Firstly, it was really hot. Oddly enough, I've dated or bffriended many Georgia citizens and thus been there many times, which's weird, since I'm super not-Southern -- I'm not particularly polite, I'm not into facades, racism, the cotton gin, slavery, heat, willow trees, or massively confusing endless highway systems. I just felt like we spent every day stuck in traffic with a bunch of sweaty people in business suits. It was really hot.
9. Orlando

Firstly, it's so hot there, and there are fireants. If Carly and her hip friends like Cesar hadn't lived in Orlando as grown-ups with free will [as in, they weren't born there or forced to move there as slaves or prisoners of war or managers of Darden Restaurants], my overall impression of Orlando would be 100% negative instead of 99% negative [the 1% = obviously cool people do choose to reside there for college and consequently kinda enjoy themselves]. So, that withstanding, it's about a thousand degrees, filled with tourists and amusement parks and is in Florida, responsible for the impending apocalypse via the Bush Administration. It's just got no discernible personality besides headquartering a million bizarre corporate commercial entities, like my former employer Darden Restaurants and Universal Studios. Strip mall, strip mall, $9.99 All-You-Can-Eat Crab Legs, Mickey Mouse tickets.

Also, I love Disneyworld, seriously, I love visiting Florida and surfing on the sandy beaches. Just wouldn't want to live there.

8. Oklahoma City

Firstly, it's so hot there. Strip malls, real malls, cars, houses like other houses, houses not unlike other houses. No cowboys. Tornadoes. Where are the gays? I feel like OC is one big chain restaurant that serves baby back ribs and the waitresses have orange tans and serious push-up bras. The best part was Frontier City. Here's the thing: I can live somewhere totally ridiculous for about a year. Baltimore? Nashville? Miami? Sure, I'm totally in, hilarious. That's sort of my policy for life: you must be good, or you must be so bad that you are hilarious. Unfortunately, the ratio of cowboy-themed amusement parks to insane churches in OC doesn't enable it to cross that line from "bad" into hilarious, sorz.
7. Detroit

I just wrote this whole graf about Detroit and then looked it up on Wikipedia to verify my facts and learned that apparently people do live in Detroit and it's on the up-and-up, which's awesome because in addition to losing sleep thinking about the state of the publishing industry and what'll happen if musicians run out of melodies, I spend a lot of time worrying about Detroit. I just can't believe how empty so much of it is, and how badly the automotive industry's outsourcing has affected what was apparently a once extremely prosperous city. Anyhow, before I learned that somehow I've managed to miss every populated area of Detroit proper on my 10,000 trips there (Also: I'm not counting suburban Detroit, which is super-duper populated, obvs, my Moms live there, clearly, and also Somerset Mall, also a lot of annoying Jewish girls, I can say that, I'm Jewish. Also: if you think you've been there you probs haven't, the suburbs are where the Pistons play, and the aiport.) I'd written the following: it'd be hard to live here 'cause there's not much housing anymore, it's like ghost-city, all depressing dirty streets and blown-out buildings, remnants of the '67 race riots and the GM factory shut-downs. Honestly to geek out for a minute; I'm utterly completely OBSESSED WITH DETROIT. I'm intrigued by its downfall, its rapid ruin, the fact that white flight's enabled suburbs to thrive while the urban fabric crumbles and crumbles and then; crumbles. One of many interesting things about Detroit is [still here? still listening?] is Woodward Ave, where I've been many-a-time for concerts or shows at the Fox, it's nice and busy, about five solid blocks of bustling commerce. But literally one block further east or west and you are in a completely dark scary ghost town where most of the buildings are literally abandoned, just giant empty buildings.

This website's got a really through visual archive of Detroit's ruin, I find it endlessly interesting.

There's a pretty hot music scene in Detroit (seriously, like punk, techno, indie rock stuff), and one sumer night we came in for a Saturday Looks Good to Me show at this hot bowling alley venue, then went to Mexicantown for dinner and on the way home it was raining so bad the streets were flooding, but we sped through in Jake's bright red mini-van and the puddles splashed up against our windows like a car wash. It was like driving through Haunted House/Splash Mountain.

But seriously, there's not a lot of places to live there anymore, so I'd either be living on the streets drinking Mad Dog from a paper bag or with Eminem in his trailer. That's fine, trailers are hard-core and portable, probs bigger than most NYC apartments, but Eminem has serious issues.

6. Salt Lake City
Because of the Mormons. You know like Julie on The Real World. They don't like lesbians/gays or alcohol, my two favorite things. Once I went to Mormon church with my ex-boyfriend to see his friend speak about his trip to the mission, but it wasn't in Salt Lake it was in Vegas, but whatevs, so, they let all the kids run around in the back and scream during the service. Seriously, it's hard enough to be holy without babies screaming and hurling plastic toys at the wall, I've got no clue why premairtial sex is a sin but being annoying yelling children is totally encouraged. My agent's family is Mormon and we had dinner with her sister and I got drunk (surprise) and asked them a lot of questions about if it was hard to not have sex and they were like "Nope, my relationship with G-d is really important," and I was like wow. Seriously, that's impressive. Good job.

5. Houston and/or Dallas
Firstly, super hot there. I'm breaking my "no cities I've never been to" rule, 'cause I'm confident I'd hate both these places without stopping by to check. It's hot, I think everyone likes football and eats a lot of meat on the bones like ribs and steak, and G.W. was once the governor. I'd like Austin, but the rest of this state I'm skeptical of. If you live there though, you're awesome, there's an exception to every rule. Um, nice boots. Love cowboy boots. On the floor bedow bowwwww.

4. Cincinnati

Seriously, what's in Cincinnati? Besides some of my family members and The Reds? I don't know. I don't even feel like looking it up, I get bored just thinking about it. Oh! The Abercrombie & Fitch headquarters is there, I think, right? Totes.

3. Las Vegas
Firstly, it's really hot. What's brill is once upon a time I considered living here 'cause my ex-boyfriend hoped to move there when we were grown-ups [in his weird fantasy world where I could spend one additional minute of my life with him w/o clawing his eyes out] because there's no property tax in Vegas. That's really why. I don't know why I thought I could do that. I guess there were a lot of things I thought I could do then that really don't make any sense to me now, like be his girlfriend. How could you possibly live in a city that exists for tourists who come to Vegas specifically to do things they wouldn't do at home? I don't even gamble or know how, what a waste of money, I'd rather go to a strip club with Lozo and let him waste his money. 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.' What if your LIFE happens in Vegas? Is it all giggles and buffets? Because that's a lot of buffets.

2. New Orleans

Firstly, so hot. My brother lives here, and la-la-loves it. We're very different. E.g., he's an engineer and works to help get this city back on it's feet, I'm an aspirant and I work to tell retarded jokes at the expense of myself and others. I went to his graduation and lost my mind, though I felt exuberant when Ellen & Bill Clinton spoke at graduation and I enjoyed seeing my brother & his laid-back friends. The Ninth Ward made me despondent. Though my reputation may suggest otherwise, there's nothing about "The Big Easy" that appeals to me. [Ha! Ha! Seemed funny when I wrote it last night.] Everyone in NOLA's so chill, which gives me anxiety, I've got this New Yorkish affection for anxiety, depression, misery and multi-tasking. Also, they had this Hurricane, our retarded government completely fucked up, and a naturally chill attitude combined with missing street signs, no housing, a reduced labor force and people who've been seriously neglected with no-place to go equals a really long line at Rite-Aid. Also, really, girls show their tits for BEADS? Beads? Are they magic beads? There are so many things about the world I don't understand.

Anyhow, see disclaimer above, I'd live in NOLA if it was in a helping-people situation, just not to like, live normal life.

1. Washington, D.C.

Hiya. Seriously, this wine gets better and better. Maybe I coulda lived here when my fave prez Bill Clinton was in office, but it feels funny now. I don't know. It's corrupt here, isn't it? They got a rough treatment in my "Fucking Around" story, to be featured in the "Dirty Girls" anthology. Most people I've passed on the street look like someone I wouldn't mind punching in the face, though I love the bookstores especially the incredible gay bookstores. Pretty streets. I'm not a salesman or a politician, I'm too into honesty, obvs, to a fault ... though I hope to be a full-time activist one day, you know, to change things. Education, mostly. I'm ready for a new president. I miss Bill Clinton. What a multi-tasker, that one.

In any event, it's been a fabulous weekend, we walked a million miles today. The city's essentially deserted on account of the holiday, it wasn't that cold, and I like just being away, from my little emo cave, and everything. Love this hotel. We'd all like to live here and be little Eloises, just bathe and wear white bathrobes and drink coffee and eat fruits and things. So good to chill w/Cait and Haviland, who're both tucked neatly into bed and sleeping while I type away like a lunatic.

It's been such a strange fucking year. It's funny; my animosity towards D.C isn't so violent as it was a few months ago, it's like, everything is a mess, what do we do? Pick up pieces, move on. Look forward. I've got hope there'll be space in the clear on the other side for a reconciliation of some kind for this effin country and I'm praying that that isn't all there'll be room for ... we do small things, here and there, press on, wait for the next joke and laugh at it, we crescendo, we dance. We wait for the next joke, even when it's on us. I feel like laughter's pretty pure. There's lots of pure pretty lovely awesome things actually, and friends. I look at New York and I wonder how she does it.


carlytron said...

possibly, you do not like warm climates.

p.s. orlando isn't that bad ... i mean, i'd never live there again, but ... yeah, ok, it sucks.

DH said...

I really like atlanta for its airport. that airport is ace. It's one of the only airport I've never been stranded in. I like las vegas airport equally. I kind of judge cities by their airport.

I think without orlando then there would be no backstreet boys, so it gets props from me. I lived there once and all I remember was that it was sunny and there were squirrels.

Irish and Jew said...

Amen. These places all blow. The only city besides nyc that I ever considered living in was chicago and then they couldnt even give me something to drink during the marathon and if you can't provide me with something so basic as water during a marathon then I just can't trust you enough to call home.


PS: Dallas was the biggest let down I have ever come across. I'd rather live in Camden, NJ.

Anonymous said...

Cincy doesn't even have A&F's headquarters...they are in New Albany, which is a ridic expensive farmland-gone-suburb of Columbus. Although, New Albany is home to my favorite liquor store ever. It's big, and I don't worry about getting robbed while there. Safety first. But yeah. My point? Cincy sucks. I heart Columbus, though. You probs would hate it here, too, though.

MeL said...

DC still had a little bit of cool left when I moved out this way - like 9 years ago. Even then, though, you mostly had to bring the good people with you wherever you went, because you were mostly certain to run into trust fund yuppie kids who live or die on having belonged to the "right" Young Republicans Frat.

Adams Morgan still had some soul back then. I hear it has turned into a good place to get laid or get shot... can't remember which. But still, go get Ethiopian grub at Meskerem, it will change your life. Especially the honey wine.

DC is like the preppy rich kid you wanted to fuck in high school, but then you go to the reunion and they're a fat alcoholic who still tries to pretend they are superior to you. Only, now, you look at them and think that, holy shit, you're glad you had to be a scrapper and fight for everything. Because complacency is ugly, and ego in complacency really DOES make you just want to punch them in the face. Especially when it comes complete with pearls.

Anonymous said...

You've got to give Atlanta props though, for being the gay central of the South. Atlanta's gay in a way that few other cities are gay. It's no Noo Yawk, but for a bigass Southern city, it's pretty gay.

Anonymous said...

if you hate hot weather then the uk is the best place to be. it doesn't get too cold either. we're kinda in between. although its like 10 degrees outside and i'm cold, so maybe my body temperature is alot lower because of this.

stef said...

salt lake city is totally weird, you have to be a member of the bars to drink there and everything is watered down. good vegetarian restaurants though. it's not bad for passing through, last time i was there i made out with a super hot goth boy. also i've seen julie the mormon fairly recently (in like, milwaukee i think) and she's kind of a big whore now.
i can't imagine living anywhere besides the northeast or southwest really.
then again i dunno what my opinion's worth here, i'm a huge believer in the term "flyover states."

frank said...

since when are there communists in cincinnati?

and if we were in vegas, you'd get me a lapdance, seeing as how you still owe me 20 bucks.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I feel incredibly guilty about being obsessed with the ruins and decay of Detroit. It makes me feel slightly less like a total douche that I'm not alone in my obsession.

Jo said...

I have a theory that the only thing Ohio has is family members. Seriously, everyone I know has family there. Plus, whats with all the cities starting with C? Cincinnati, Cleveland, Columbus.

The city I never want to live in (again/any more)? Worcester, MA. It's like Boston's illegitimate bastard child. It's hell and I'm stuck here for another year and a half.

caitlinmae said...

Was it Stephen Colbert who called DC the chocolate city with the vanilla center? It's also sparkled with lots of gay sprinkles, from what I hear.
"From what I hear" means "my brother goes to georgetown and is the third best beerpong player there (BRO) and he knows he has to appease his sister and so every once and a while he lets his female friends take him to a gaybar, wherein he texts me to let me know the dc gay scene is alive and thriving."

You need to get a popemobile or some similar full body airconditioner. then I think you'd be able to live in more of these places... except the midwestern ones.

This made me think of a sunday top ten of cities in which you could live--
Philly, Pittsburgh, Montreal/Vancouver, Burlington VT....
(word veri is okennbxs which is my new hip indiefolk outfit- oaken boxes)

blaaaaaa said...

I visit DC frequently and it is nice to live there but sucky to drive in and out of it. Georgetown is great. I wrote this awesome entry about finding this one bar I went to once. I was dragging my H and friend around the Sprint center looking for this place near Chinatown and we had one drink at each bar until we finally found it and were too drunk to walk by that point. PS the foyer looks different that the rest of it. The foyer has white and black checker tile and it looks like a castle inside. I'm a sucker for castles. It is called Fados. A great DC blogger is drbigbeef@diaryland and goes out pretty much every night. Email him and he'll show you guys around.

Diana said...

I was in DC this weekend, too and I could not agree with you more. I totally felt like a dirty hipster! And I'm not dirty and I'm only like, 60% hipster! Holy rampant yuppification! I stayed with this friend of a friend who was a JCrew sweater wearing, pearl necklaced Republican. (I seriously didn't know there were any Republicans under the age of 50.) At one point she freaked about an outfit of hers that consisted of layering a long sleeve t and a short sleeved one, which she was ONLY wearing bc she was going to watch college football. She thought it looked ridic or something and I was like uhhh, yea I sport that look like everyday.
Walking around the streets on Friday and Saturday nights I was like: uhm, where the f is everyone? It seemed very clean though, I'll give them that.

I'm moving to Portland/Seattle/Vancouver. Maybe.

asher said...

this was a good one. (as if they all aren't?)

places i've lived: sugar land, tx (houston area), new haven, ct (college/ghetto), and now atlanta.
two of which made the list - yay! and i agree wholeheartedly

houston sucks. i was born and raised in sugar land, tx. home base for tom delay. suburbia run amuck. for true, coming from a texan, the only place to live in texas is austin. especially if you're gay and or liberal.

i'm now in atlanta. shitty traffic. shitty streets. nice people. very gay. my sister upon visiting said 'i've never seen so many gay southerners.' but i've yet to break into the gay scene. so it kinda just sucks. (anyone in atl wanna break me in? no, not like that. probably.)

Stephanie said...

So I am from Northern VA (right outside of DC) so I lived "in DC" my whole life. Until I moved down to tiny Fredericksburg, VA, a whole hour from the city. No one understands why I wouldn't want to live in DC. Seriously?

DC is awesome. I love it, I love that I grew up there, that I can navigate the metro (and hey, kudos to you for the subway, I took it once and twice and wondered where, exactly, I would end up), that I can cross the street against the light, and that I know better than to drive there. But after the 400th trip to the Air and Space Museum (WHY IS THAT WHERE EVERY TOURIST WANTS TO GO?) it loses its charm.

So now I live farther away with slightly less traffic and make just as much money as my friends in DC but pay much less in rent. DC/NoVa is so effing expensive. You're used to that in New York but people from other states are shocked. Like "$1200 for a studio? In North Carolina $1200 would be my mortgage on a 5-bedroom house!" Sad.

Go DC! But only for a year. Leave before you hate all things related to air and space.

Anonymous said...

I lived in the ATL for 7 years and loved it.

Anonymous said...

I've never been to Atlanta

Marcia said...

There was a time when I wanted to live in New Orleans cuz unlike you I like the heat (but not the beach heat, I like lazy stay in the shade during the day and nap, party all night heat) and I don't think I could deal with the politics of the rest of the South. And then, after Katrina, I obvs wanted to live there and change the world, and I visited and loved it and um... yeah. But now who knows. New York and Boston and Philly are closer and possibly cooler. You write so beautifully of New York. I don't know if I can live there for realz, tho, because everything is so expensive and as an upstater it is ingrained in me to hate the amound of attention New York City gets, like, um, hello, New York's a big state and I am genetically obligated to defend the rest of it...

I need some coffee. This comment makes so little sense.

But yeah, love Bill Clinton.

Bourbon said...

I used to live in Maryland (I know. Yawn, right?) and it's funny because all the cool kids from Maryland went to DC for their "city experience".

Also, I totally agree with you on the hot climates thing but you have to admit the tan can totally compensate for it.

Unknown said...

ok, so I haven't ever left a comment on here before and I've been reading autowin for a few months now, it's hilarious, but I'm a straight guy in nyc, so why am I even reading this in the first place? it's great, bottom line.

but my comment, and I'll warn you now that I feel like a bigtime sketchball right now, is that I walked past you, Haviland and another girl yesterday on some street near dupont circle -- maybe N street? I recognized you and Haviland from the vlogs, wanted to say hello as we passed by, but then thought, no, that's something that an old man who legally has to turn off his porchlight on Halloween might do. so I didn't say anything.

I explained who you girls were to the 2 friends of mine with whom I was walking, but they just think I'm weird for even reading blogs in the first place. but I agree to your sentiments on DC as a place to live... couldn't ever do it. where were all the people? that area near dupont is such a pleasant, quaint place but besides everyone I saw my friend's wedding on saturday and sunday, there were only tourists taking pictures of all the big, white buildings everywhere in the city.

anyways, nice top10... I agree with those choices, although I do like hot weather. you didn't mention as many midwest cities as I'd expect... after living in STL for 4 years of college, I realized that the midwest bible-belt experience isn't for me (also a Jew), and based on what you've written, I doubt you would enjoy it either. the thing is, too many of those midwest cities are basically the same... and there are just too many of them also.

Anonymous said...

Oh Orlando- yeah, it does suck. And I'm one of the one percent that went to college there by choice, but... it still sucks. One nice thing is that UCF has a pretty campus! I'd still rather be back in Philly however.
The squirrels down here are skinny and terrifying.

carlytron said...

anon: I went to UCF by choice too, not the best choice I've ever made but ... yeah, the campus is pretty.

ry guy said...

I lived in D.C. for four years, as you know, and I can vouch for the life-sucking hole that it is. I think besides finding dead interns in Rock Creek Park and the free museums, there is nothing that can redeem the city.

shannon said...

I really like DC and went down there six times for job interviews during my last semester of college (no joke). I came really close to moving down there without a job because I wanted to get into politics. And their license plates are great. (No taxation without representation! And issued by the city of DC. I think that rules). BUT all that being said, I'm glad I'm going to be in NYC instead.

Also, I went to Detroit for Alternative Spring Break my freshman year. Not to sound totally unoriginal but it changed the way I think about... well, everything.

Anonymous said...

yay philly? sigh.

my apartment rocks though. i feel like annie warbucks.

riese said...

OK, I am sooo behind! I'm responding in sets. Half now, half in a little while.

"OMG you can read my degeneration as this post goes on. Like, the last paragraph literally makes no sense whatsoever. I say THE SAME THING TWICE. Like I say the same thing TWICE IN A ROW." (me, in the car, looking at my dash, not able to fix all these terrible terrible mistakes which I have yet to fix, actually.)

carlytron: If it wasn't for the dog-bowl drunk picture, I'd think nothing fun ever happened there.

Crystal: when my aunt came to the us, she was obsessed with squirrels, aussies love squirrels. the atlanta airport makes my head explode, all the trams, it's like disneyworld but without the animals.

Irish and Jew: Yeah, I've considered Chicago, but my Mom grew up there. I'm not sure why that matters. I guess it's just never seemed "other" enough, from the past.

Allie: I love that you know that! I think my favorite liquor store ever is in Las Vegas, oddly enough. I've got most of my family in Columbus, and it's actually okay, totes.

MeL In my story 'Fucking Around' I personified DC as being a lot like what you said, but what you said made me LOL and my own work doesn't make me LOL. JK, it does. What you said is also brill.

Meg: That's true, but it'd take me so long to drive to the other gay people I probs wouldn't be wet anymore.

Anonymous: Thus is why I love London and have considered living there. I don't like the cold, necessarily, I just don't like the heat.

stef: Please give Julie my number.

Lozo: That is a really cheap hand job.

Anonymous: Me too, and not anymore. [You should check out that website, you'll feel even less guilty, fo'reals.]

Jo: I have a theory that the only thing Ohio has is family members. Haviland read that out loud to me before I even got to my computer this morning. You are right.

caitlinmae: I wish my brother would text me to let me know he was at a biker bar or something hardcore and wantd to let me know that it's thriving. I've done two lists that were sort of like lists I would want to live in, I think, like, runaway list or something, I think I talk about running away a lot, right? Hm. Why Pittsburgh? I've never been, but Cait and Haviland were like "nooo pittsburgh." I like fake Pittsburgh, the kind from Queer as Folk.

Which was probably ... Vancouver?

Katie: Also sucky; driving out of it with no gas and realising there is nowhere to get gas. I probs should've written this post before the day we left, then we could've been shown around.

Diana: That is insane that you were in DC this weekend, also your friend should hang out with some lesbians because then she'd know all about the short sleeve long sleeve layering thing, like wtf, it's totes hot. Yeah, where is everyone, and I like all the cities you might move to.

Asher: I've heard new Haven is a dump, intrigues me, that. I feel like if I had a list that included those three places, I might have a tougher skin.

Stephanie: Rest assured there was no air or space on our trip. Clearly you fall into the "people who are cool in cities I hate" category.

Haviland and Cait: I've been to Atlanta three times.

riese said...

LMC: I don't nap really, that's part of my problem. You have to be completely out of your mind to live in NYC, and clearly I am. I wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy, let alone a nice girl.

Razia: Did you live in Chevy Chase? I always want to live there. also; tanning salon.

Marshall: This comment made us all totally freak out with joy, here's how --


cait: OMG I totally know who that was! I know I remember passing him on the street, these three dudes, one of them turned around -- I remember him, I know exactly who he was, totally!

I also think I remember, seriously, because like, there were no people there I was like, HARK! HARK! people! and bc you totally looked at us and i have eyes on the front of my head, you shoulda said HI I would've been excited, mostly I was like "omg, cait, was I being emo/cranky when he saw me or funny?" Hopefully I was being adorable, and this was before I almost died from the cold and my nose got red.

The weird thing w/r/t the midwest cities is that I haven't been to most of them, like never been to St. Louis, Minneapolis, Indianapolis, Boise, Kansas City, none of those places I don't think. Or maybe I have. Whatever, they weren't memorable clearly, as you just said.

anonymous: I think the problem w/me is that I actually picked colleges based on location, aka proximity to NYC. Then I had a breakdown and had to move back to Michigan where it was less expensive to be a weirdo.

carlytron: Hiiiiiii

ryan: Where were the dead interns? I would've settled for a live intern, too, obvs.

shannon: I wanted to do that! Alternative Spring Break! But then I think I like, forgot to go to the meeting or something and then I went to NYC, which's typical.

lainyrae: Dude, I've got this feeling that the sun'll come out tomorrow. Also annie warbucks has a nice ass.

asher said...

thicker skin from sugar land maybe.

new haven is pretty divided between the yale campus and the bad parts. so while the location wasn't ideal for college it's hard to claim hard knock status from surviving the rough and tough streets of yale.

Bourbon said...

Nah, I was a bit more into MD than Chevy Chase. I can't do tanning salons because I feel all claustrophobic and fidgety. I just don't get how people can feel normal laying in there like that but then again I guess the tan compensates, ay?

Also, thanks to Auto-Win I've become the master of word verification. Ok I just realised that word verification is fdcaw. This is obviously word verification trying to get in on the action and say "Fuck DC, Auto-Win"

Haviland said...

(annie warbucks + juicy sweatpants) x (the Rosie Cruise + us) = HOT.

Murray, you DEF should have said hi. I love it when ppl say hi. This is a small, small world of auto-winners.

Anonymous said...

first and foremost,obvs I agree with all of these places except oklahoma city, infact I'm srsly considering moving there.
amazing that haviland just called marshall, murray.

Ok, so, yeah, marshall I totally saw you guys, one of you had an awesome scarf on, and when we passed you we were talking about all of our feelings and it would have been so amazing if you'd said hello.

Anonymous said...

it's the guilty anonymous-er again. if you enjoy decaying Detroit, you may like this:

AUTO-WHAT said...

Oh Riese, I too spend a lot of time worrying about Detroit. Not necessarily regarding it’s serious state of decline, but more so about when my next shopping excursion or Mexicantown visit will go down. Oh flaming cheese and frozen daiquiris, how I love you so! (Most disgusting culinary presentation EVER, but close your eyes and it’s heaven.) I also worry about the speed at which those plates of flaming fajitas and wet burritos are pumped out of the kitchen. And don’t even get me started on that sassy waitress who tried to bounce us out once. However, the most disturbing part of the whole experience is the little man in the Mexicantown parking lot. You know who I’m talking about. I know that he’s probably just in charge of security or whatev, but he’s always there, lurking with that hypnotic flashing blue light. I fear that one day he will finally get me with that light of his, throw me in the back of his pickup and drag me into one of the many abandoned buildings nearby. Maybe this troubles you too??? I hope I’m not alone. Yet despite all of this, it doesn’t seem to deter me. Anyways, sorry about the rambling, but you got me all excited with that Mexicantown shout out. Maybe you can do a Sunday Mexicantown Top Ten one of these days. Plenty of material if you need it!

P.S. Throw those Auto-What boy shorts out there for sale and I’ll buy a pair for every day of the week. I’ve got the cheque already made out in your name.

AUTO-WHAT said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebecca Foster said...

This was great! I agree with many of your choices, but for different reasons in some cases.

D.C. is my hometown. My dad worked at the Pentagon. It was a great place to be a kid because you can go the Smithsonian for free. The Air and Space museum was totally my thing for so many years. I've resisted moving back as an adult, though. Thinking about it, but can't bring myself to think about it seriously.

Rebecca Foster said...

Oh, and when I do go back to D.C. now? I don't go the Air and Space museum, because it's full of kids.

minna said...

super late post, but fake pittsburgh (QAF) gay village = toronto gay village. literally. although there's no "babylon", there actually is a "woody's".