Thursday, November 01, 2007

The Boot in the Face, The Brute

10.29.2007, 2 A.M.

From: Me
To: A Friend

That sucks about [redacted]. It's possible it's all happening for a reason, you know? I mean, it's funny, but sometimes I think even the worst of things happen for a reason. I always think, I got Ryan -- my best friend from Interlochen, my soulmatey thing -- I earned Ryan for dealing with my Dad's death with as much grace as I did, and I am so blessed to've gotten Ryan. And it wasn't just my Dad's death, but like, an awkward adolescence, my Mom coming out, feeling like I was behind everyone in so many ways, and then on top of that my Mom being crazy and stuff. And now, I feel like I'm getting all of these amazing things, like, extras, like my blog you know, has been so great, and Cait, also, and you, also, and Carly, and this new job, and maybe getting close to stability with things, you know, and like, everyone, all my friends, and [redacted] is like, getting better finally, back to who she was ... I feel like everything is finally working out for me now ... like this is what I get for having endured everything this summer ... and to fixing a lot of it.

But this is just to say that I think the future is only there eventually, but it is there. And it might be brighter.

This is like, the most insane email I have ever sent in my life. What the f? These aren't my lines. My lines are like: [redacted], dude, that sucks about [redacted]. Life is hard, I guess, even when it should be easy. Hope she's paving the way for your reunion with [redacted star crush].

Yeah? Yeah. That'd be more like me.


10.29.2007, 5 P.M.

From: Mr. [redacted boss]
To: Me


I heard that you have been quite successful selling the furniture and I wanted you to know how much I appreciate your efforts ... I hope you don't mind not coming to the office this week, I know it's a tremendous inconvenience leaving your schedule so up in the air, but since I will not be there and you don't work for the firm, it doesn't make much sense for you to go and sit there with nothing to do.

I hope you don't mind but I read some of your blog last night and I have to admit, I am quite impressed. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't at all what I thought it was going to be, you have an enormous amount of talent and I think you are going to go far in this world. Although I must tell you that someday I will tell you why affirmative action does a disservice to people of all ethnicities.


10. 31. 2007, 10:18 A.M.

From: Me
To: Mr. [redacted]

Hi Mr. [redacted],

I apologize for writing you while you are away -- but I'm becoming increasingly alarmed that everything is not well -- I haven't heard from [redacted relative], [redacted assistant], [redacted assistant] or [redacted assistant] since Monday night and I know this is highly unusual for your family and their people, even during difficult times. I'm hoping everyone is okay. I have people who've paid me for furniture they are hoping to pick up today or have delivered this week and I don't know what to tell them [NOTE: I have no access to the items myself], also there was no deposit made yesterday, so I'm not certain how to proceed in terms of my own finances right now, or what to do next when the eBay people don't receive furniture they've paid for. [NOTE: There are also items being donated to those in need, arranged by me, and people expecting these items, I have no access to them myself.]

But mostly I am just concerned that something terrible is happening. Please let me know if you know anything, or have heard from anyone. I am really worried and confused.

Thank You,


10. 31. 2007, 12:51 P.M.

From: Mr. [THE SAME redacted boss, yes, the same one from prior email.]
To: Me

It was my understanding that a letter of termination was sent to you yesterday.

One of my colleagues found your website and read the content. I don't know why my daughter or you thought that it would be acceptable for you to represent me and my name, knowing what kind of information you had on the internet. What you choose to make public about your life is your choice, and who I choose to have represent me is my choice.

I simply cannot have someone who openly discusses drug use, illegal activities, their sexual experiences and encounters, and everything else you write about working for me. When I was told you wrote about your life I thought that meant something entirely different.

That I didn't research this myself is my fault entirely, but there is no way I can have you in my work environment.

I wish you all the best and I hope that this will be our last communication as there is really nothing more to say.


10.31.2007, 2:45 P.M.

From: Me
To: Mr. [redacted]

I didn't receive that letter, I've been worried sick about you and the family and have been extremely concerned for everyone's well being. I have people who have paid me on ebay for furniture that they are now expecting to receive and that they have paid me for via paypal. I will lose my ebay account, and subsequently my paypal account and bank account, if I don't complete these transactions. Please let me know how to proceed.

Obviously this puts me in an extremely tough spot -- as you know. It's hard for me to trust people, but [redacted connection] is such an amazing person [NOTE: And totes still IS an amazing person, obvs, even though you aren't, asshat] and everything you've done for me has been so kind, I allowed myself to trust. But I don't know what to say to any of these accusations. I never would've put you or your family out there. I'm a good person, I am loyal and full of follow-through, commitment, and kindness. I try to put positive and fair energy into the world. I want to help others and find common ground for communication and understanding, and I often do this through great creative liberties, fictionalization, humor, and, when appropriate, brutal honesty. I don't even know what you are referring to with your accusations.

I am interested to discover what it is that has changed since Monday, when you told me that you were "quite impressed" with my blog and feel i have an "enormous amount of talent." I know you are under a lot of stress right now and I understand how that goes.

In any event ...

I only ask that, from one professional to a former associate, that you enable the completion of the furniture transactions which I began under the false impression that I could trust everyone on your end to follow through. I hope this is still the case. If not, then I suppose that there were false impressions on both sides regarding the content of one another's character.

Marie Lyn Bernard


Anonymous said...

does this more blog?

schrk-fyn said...


riese said...

i don't know ... i don't know.

Oo Lynnie oO said...


i am concerned.

Riese, i'm sending my LOOOVVEEEEE your way :]

Anonymous said...

i dont get it?...have you been asked to take it down? if so....just move it *wink wink nudge nudge*....i cant live without this...! I want my daily fix of reading it back....:(

Anonymous said...

but did your boss threaten legal action and make you erase everything or something?

Anonymous said...

I dont really know whats going on, but i also am concerned.

I feel like more commenter love is needed your way, and i can guarantee theres loads of it heading towards you.

I really hope things are ok....

shannon said...

that email seems so harsh, and i don't think your blog warrants that kind of disdain? i'm not sure how to classify the tone of that email. seriously, relative to LOTS of other bloggers out there, your blog is tame. i'm sorry, i hope it works out.

frank said...

dewey said there are loads headed your way. how does he know i'm coming over later?

riese said...

I wasn't asked to take it down, I was just fired. It's like, totes over, all that, a lot of things.

I took it down because I am feeling totes weirdo right now, like, wtf-y.

lawlaws said...

Like..... whaaa? Me and my other auto win friends (who don't comment, but do read) are all like whaa?!

damn the man, save the empire.

Rahul said...

Riese! Come back!

I can't believe that was the e-mail that was sent. Let us talk to this guy.

By us I mean Lozo.

Anonymous said...

I don't think these people know who they're dealing with... obviously


Cara said...

Riese, I can't live without your blog!! Whoever the redacted boss is is totes stupid. Please keep on bloggin!!!

frank said...

since a lot of people are going to be commenting, can we do a vagnia/penis count? between alex vega and dewey, i'm as confused as ever.

i have a penis.

riese said...

Lozo, I can't participate in this roll call, because it would be inappropriate for me to discuss anything sexual on this blog. As you know, sex is an illegal act practiced by only very dirty people, and sexual organs are for sick, gross, hateful, mean people who cannot possibly make photocopies, let alone send faxes.

El N said...

Hey Win, it clearly would not be in your best interest anyway to work for someone with such an obvious case of dissociative identity disorder (yes, diagnosing on the fly here and being generous to them). Protect yourself, but don't let this beat you down. This person/job does not deserve to define you. Hang in there..

asher said...

that's such bullshit.

i was wondering why the site was down.

my two cents - fuck whoever it was that fired you over the site. (not literally). i don't know what you're job was, but you're a writer. and you have talent. and strangely enough, this blog is a huge vehicle for you to showcase that talent. i'd hate to see you abandon it for that twatwaffle.

yeah. it's already been broughten.

Teclo said...

Hi, I've never commented before, but I love your blog, and I've been reading it for a long time (um... that sounded stalkery) and I just want to say that this sucks. Getting fired obviously sucks, but getting fired just for being who you are and expressing yourself on the internet, well, that is a whole extra dimension of suck.

I'm hoping (for my own selfish reasons) that your archived blog entries are just down for the moment, and not totally deleted.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You didn't deserve it.

Bridget said...

by any chance is [redacted boss]'s name [twat hole]? cause s/he (something tells me its a she but whatever) is def. a tool box.

you absolutely cannot stop writing your blog - i'm sorry - our lungs will stop working with it...(holla atcha lyric usage)

no fa realz - we will hunt you down, tie you to a chair and force your fingers to work (take that out of context & it sounds kinda fun) - i mean force your fingers to type.

Anonymous said...

riese, what can we do for you?

Anonymous said...

something to cheer you up.

she sure is busy lately. and yes, i am a tegan and sara stalker

Anonymous said...

oops. i'm smart.

Anonymous said...

annd number three. its hard to believe i was "gifted" in elementary school. the ending is just "main.html"

Anonymous said...

woah, wait, i'm confused... he said he read your blog and thought it was great... and then he said your blog is inappropriate? huh??

and is it even legal to fire someone for something like this? and who is this dude? jeez-us..

Anonymous said...

Lawsuit! Wrongful termination! Where's my lawyer!!??

Marcia said...

Oh, man, Riese. I don't even know what to say. First of all, I can't believe those two emails are from the same person. That's seriously bizarre. He's the one with problems, not you.

I understand if you feel like you need to take the blog down... something like this can really fuck with your head. But, like all your other readers, I really hope you keep writing, and that you keep writing with the honesty, wit, and brilliance that you have displayed so far.

Whatever happens, I want you to know that in the relatively short time that I've been reading your blog, you've been a great inspiration to me. Not just in the small ways (like I totes say "totes" now) but in the grander scheme of life. I've been having a pretty tough time the last couple years, and your entries have been bright spots on some dark days. The way you've written about your dad's death, your mom's coming out, your sexuality, everything, is not inappropriate, it's handled beautifully and appropriately and makes me feel like even though I've never met you I'm not alone in this universe of twatwaffles.

I want to be like Riese when I grow up.

Again, I don't know what to say exactly to express how much your words have meant to me--- I don't have your gift, and I can only aspire to one day be the writer you are already.

Just know that i'm keeping you in my thoughts and things WILL get better. It's something I have to tell myself everyday, that I have to have faith that the future is not only going to bring change, but
positive change. Keep believing in yourself. You're more than worth it.

frank said...

why is no one following my penis/vagina rule? teclo? penis or no penis?

Oo Lynnie oO said...

i love lmc

Anonymous said...

the disappearance of your blog has devastated me more than i would have ever expected it to. please come back. maybe it's selfish of me, but i need you to...

much love,


Anonymous said...

but riese...we love you

Bourbon said...

That dude seems like a total C U Next Tuesday. Your work is brilliant. If someone can't see the beauty in human experiences and your ability to translate them into digital text then I'm afraid they're just a close minded bigot. Don't let a bigot get you down, you rock too hard.

Rahul said...

Lozo,now is not the time for your foolish games.


riese said...

Hey you guys, sorz, it's been really hard to keep up with everything and also maintain my active sexual lifestyle and my drug habit. Hang on, crack dealer at the door, brb.

Okay. Hi! What's up. Here's the problem; you may've noticed a few moments of "rock bottom" over the course of 2007, aptly named by Lozo as the worst year ever.

A friend sort of helped me out big time, just out of the goodness of her heart, when I thought that the only thing I could possibly do was go back to Michigan. So I stuck around, so many friends helped me to turn things around so much -- like I was totes into the human spirit and good karma and all this, and now my friend and I are both fucked because of something that I still don't fully understand, but is familiar in all the worst ways. I feel bad for all the good intentions that got fucked up, and sometimes you've gotta think that maybe the universe's trying to tell you something. New York is a very expensive place to be when things aren't going your way.

It's not so much that I can't pick up -- but that I've hit low points of logistical possibilities that are impossible to survive under, like there is no more space for coasting. I'm just tired.

There's this feeling you get when you imagine the worst and then for a split second you think the worst is possible. Then you reassure yourself with memories of when the worst was possible and you'd gotten the best in spite of that, and then you get to a point where you're not certain you've got any of that kind of memory anymore, at least not lately, and that, that, that, is like, a shitty fucking feeling.

I'm usually pretty good at seeing things relatively to other things, appreciating my lot in life as I've been so lucky in so many ways, and i know that. But lately, I just don't get it. It's like the day I realised I made more money waitressing when i was bitchy to my tables.

Also, the blog will return, I'm pretty sure. One of many things I learned about in 2007 is how to delete a blog without deleting it. Howevs, it takes a long fucking time when you have 208 goddamn ridiculous posts of drugs, lies, sex, and overall debauched, illegal, immoral and threatening behavior. I mean, I've somehow managed to write about one gazillion words of totes randomized weirdo. And I still feel like, waaa memememememe. there are bigger problems out there than like, this.

Also; thank you. LMC your comment made me cry, like I'm Hallmark or like, a sunset beach card, like "this is why I'm still in the game, Rocky," and then I'm like, omg, I can't believe it, I'm talking about my feelings. Anyhow, my eyes are swollen. I'm Loch-ness.

I don't know. But yes, thank you for all the reminders or why I want to do this.

Also, um. Lozo's gonna come stroke my hair now. JK. Or am I?

stef said...

i'm writing you an email i hope i won't send because i'm very drunk and on an incredible amount of drugs right now. but i care, riese, i care a great deal, and i am determined to be part of the solution here. do not disappear just yet - you have people who love you and believe in you. really truly.

Mercury said...

That sucks. It sucks that this stupid dilhole is very possibly going to drive you away from the city you've written love-letters to. It sucks that the public is so public and as full as it is of people like us who adore you and drink your words like water it's also full of ridiculous robots who don't want to be reminded that life isn't all pearls and cardigan sweaters, not even their lives. Anyway, because of that obvious ridiculous 180-degree change of opinion some outside influence that we may never know or understand obviously had a hand in this. And it's not fair, it's so not fair, but maybe some bitch out there thinks it's not fair that you can write from your heart and soul and that zillions of complete strangers all over the world will read it and love it and relate completely and that whenever you're down you can write a post about it and have dozens of consoling, supportive responses. Because some people are lonely and resentful.

Anyway, it's hard to stand from outside of a situation you're in the middle of even if you're good at perspective, because you still don't know all the outcomes of this. Mabye 2007 will suck so much ass but be so necessary to deliver you to the most amazing 2008 you could ask for. You know? You can't speak for where it's all going, what it's all doing. As the Christians like to say, G-d has a plan.

Please reinstate your blog, and continue blogging as rawly as ever.

And know that even if I vanish off of the face of the earth, aka post nothing for eons, I'm still here, and I still think you're incredible, and I still admire you for everything you are: powerful and talented and vulnerable and real and sweet and reserved and compassionate and unsure and strong and elegant and wise.

And you know what else? all of us humans, basically all the time, are like, "Waaa, memememememe" and that is because everything that the world is we experience through the filter of our selves, and sometimes it's so so hard to climb out of our selves, and what you do for us is allow us to climb into your self, and out of our own, for a piece of a moment. You do us a great service by talking about/pitying yourself so much. 'Sides, it's not like you can't go read a book and climb into someone else when you get sick of you. That's what I do.

Did that last part make any sense whatsoever?
Here's to hoping it did.

ekwsexg. I've never had a word ver with 'sex' in it before.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I should add to the pile of love in the middle of the room.

When I boot up my computer at work every morning, I check my personal email, then my work email, then my google reader for you. Hell, it's because of you that I even use Google Reader. There is so much here that I look forward to--laughing, shaking my head at the insanity/reality, and feeling like I'm not the only person in the world who gets pissed when my coffee is wrong or who feels like her smokin' hot life looks shinier that it feels, because the emo-cave often seems a better place to stay than the all the trendy, savvy place you could go instead.

Like everyone else said, of course I support and understand your decision to make blog entries disappear (good that they aren't really disappearing, you can make it a book someday) either temporarily or permanently, but keep writing. Perhaps not so personally, perhaps not about drugs and illicit sex (wow, I missed those posts, anyway), but keep writing. The world needs the brilliant young writers who are raw, because secretly or not-so-secretly there are others out there relating to every word you write and idea you articulate, and, somedays, that's all that keeps them going.

Some of us can't really afford to even contribute to the tip jar, though we feel a little guilty for it. But that doesn't mean we don't support/adore/wait eagerly for the next fix that will make us laugh/cry/shake our heads in unison.

Damn the man. Save the auto-empire.

Anonymous said...

actually i wanted to comment on your relatively new "auto-fun o' the day"-thingi (which i love), then i read your recent blog post. i thought about it and tried to imagine how you might feel (emphasis on "tried") and how i might help you. unfortunately there's not much i can do from over here, however if something like this would've happened to me, i'd like my friends to say: " don't let yourself be brought down by someone like that. or anyone else. we will try to support you whatever your decision might be". so that's it. i don't know you as a concrete, non-internet person (whatever that means), but i've read and commented your blog before so i egotistically take my right in saying: i wouldn't be happy (=very sad) if you'd stop your blog since it grew a part of my daily life, but if you came to that decision it has to be accepted.

if you don't like the previous passage, i can offer you another possible solution, inspired by a quite useful movie i watched because you mentioned it a few times: "Randa, what's the greatest thing about this country? [...except Silvester Stallone...] It's that anybody can sue anybody at anytime over anything." besides the annoying tinnitus caused by massive consume of electronic music, i hear the beautiful butterfly-noise of something like the first constitutional amendment flying around in my head.

Anonymous said...

Im sitting here with my coffee, about to read and I feel like woah! Reise, please please don't stop the blog!!

Your ex boss has got a punch in the eye coming his way!

Anonymous said...

DAMN. riese that letter back to him is truly amazing/kick ass/so you. i know you have the strength to get through this. you have displayed your candid wit and amazing self possession through the worst times. i can easily say you are one of the strongest people that i know. don't quit. you're so already there.

Jaime said...

Your letter back is amazing. I have trouble being as sincere and Hallmarky in comments as your wonderful writing and wonderful self deserve. I'm on your side.

Adam Tiller said...

I'll probably drop you an email later because I hate half-writing things, but I have this sense of urgency to say something now...before this stops being fresh.

This summer would have been a different place without here.

I walked in by sheer coincidence, felt comfortable, and have been coming back ever since. I feel like someone burned down my bar.

The bar isn't the counter and the stools, and the blog isn't the posts.

Here is still here, and I'm still grateful to my lovely host.


Anonymous said...

Hey you fabulous woman, you.

I am just stopping in to say that my 2007 has included just as many fantastically low points as has yours, and also that I myself was fired by my firm last Thursday (although not for something as sexy as maintaining a blog, which, if I had been fired for that, I would have been like, "HA HA HA whatevs, bitches, I'm out.").

Anyway, I just want you to know that you are not alone, that 2008 CANNOT POSSIBLY suck more than 2007, and that, if I can collect the courage and perseverance and fearlessness to experience and pull through and move on from what I've lived over the past several weeks, so certainly can you.

Sending you strength,

Anonymous said...

Ummm I'm not being funny, but were you working for the catholic church or something? I could understand them maybe being a little pissed as they're not known for being down with the gay/bi vibe. Anyone else - serious issues!

Has this guy never been to an office party? I see people doing worse things than you've written about.

Lozo - Vagina over here

MoonKiller said...

Would it be acceptable to hunt this guy down and put Polonium 2.10 in his coffee?

And I don't know about in the US but in the UK getting fired for that is breaching the Human Rights law because 'Your employer has the right to monitor communications within the workplace as long as you're aware of the monitoring before it takes place. Your right to a private life means you have the right to some privacy in the workplace. You can't be monitored everywhere. If your employer doesn't respect this, they'll be breaching human rights law'. My mammy works in the JobCentre so there's a copy of 'The Employees Rights' right by there [points to book]. I might just be being stupid but there might be a point there.

And have to keep blogging because otherwise it would be breaching our rights of entertainment. And I may die of boredom/lack of laughter.

Much love.

jenna lynn. said...

oh MY god, marie. maybe lj and its privacy settings are a good thing after all :0/

i've been reading your lj/blog for like what, at least five years now? you're stronger than you know... you'll pull through this situation, through the rest of this terrible no good year, and you'll be better than ever... right? right... because sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before things can start to look up. don't give up on writing, riese... it's something that you truly love, that you're passionate about, that you're good at... not many people have a true passion, let alone a true talent. that man should be impressed by your honesty... because let's face it... these days, there aren't many people who actually have the guts to tell the truth.. and i maintain that when you can find someone who will be brutally honest, no matter what... you hold onto them for dear life.

much love, lady.

frank said...

i can't believe this is your first post since may 2006. i'm not saying you're lazy, but you're clearly lazy.

i have a penis.

Teclo said...

Vag. Since you asked.

Anonymous said...

wow. this is terrible. im really sorry this is happening to you. sadly, this is exactly the kind of thing that keeps from having a blog - real life people who think they know just because they know you in RL, but who clearly dont really want to *know* you. bleh, so sorry this having such RL consequences for you.

full disclosure: i have a vagina, but i also have several penises of different sizes and colors (some vibrate).

Tara said...

penis. obviously.

seriously though ... this dude is insane.

Anonymous said...

that fucking sucks! you shouldn't have to deal with such a fucking two face anyway. I really hope everything turns out ok in the end though.

riese said...

Hey guys! What's up. I'm re-posting things one at a time, going through old entries to fix grammar I've learned since then. E.g., putting a comma after the "g."

Do I think this is legal: I don't know what I think this is. It's terrible right now in so many ways; and my friend who connected me is being punished too, cut off from everything including her electricity. The things that are happening to both of us right now are insane. And as we all know, I know from insane.

"Absolute power corrupts absolutely." I hate how money lets people be assholes, and lack of money leaves other people good-hearted but semi-destroyed. I could try to take legal action, but he's a lawyer with a shitload of money, and I'm not a lawyer and I have no money, so it wouldn't be worth it ultimately.

Anyhow, everything you're saying is so beautiful, seriously. I mean, I've obvs been doing a lot of reckoning as I sit here in my chair, ruining my back and knees and enjoying my Ramen and freaking out about everything, and I'm like, remembering how great y'all are, possibly even greater than the stability I was hoping to afford myself ... I dunno. I'll probs just wait for my life to fall apart and then see what happens. I think I'm too like, self-deprecating to possibly comprehend this kind of influence, and it's really stunning. I mean, it's just like, fucking amazing, really, and I don't even know where I'd begin to thank you for your words.

It's also interesting to be like, re-posting old blogs. I've discovered that my blog used to really suck but also it's totes hopeless -- even considering censoring myself. So instead I'm trying to make the labels better so you can more easily access my various sins.

The level of ridic scrutiny I've been under (mostly auto-straddle, actually) is revealing itself as so ridiculous that I don't even know what the fuck I could even begin to do to change it -- or that any writer could, unless they were just talking about, I don't know, Life in the Nunnery. See, I could make a lesbian nuns boning joke right there, and that'd probs be cited as evidence against me. I don't know. I don'tknowidontknow.idontknow.

There are a lot of specific things that touched me, but hopefully I'll show that in some other way, because I'm having trouble with real communication.

Marcia said...

I love Hallmark cards and sunset beaches, and pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain...

Your reply letter totally rocks. Also it's cool to see your old entries reappearing--- I feel like I'm living several years of your life, which when I was a little girl was totes one of my fantasies, not to live your life per se, but someone else's life (I think I actually wanted to be a farmgirl) and then wake up the next morning and be me again but with years of new experiences. Um, wow, that made no sense--- but you're fulfilling my fantasies
without even trying!

I had a dream about flying lesbians last night. Am I allowed to say that?

Keep on trucking!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm so overwhelmed, reading everyone's amazing, (stunning, as riese said) comments.

You all verify and validate what I see every day, what I know to be true, what I have known to be true since the first night I spent time with Marie Lyn Bernard.

I love this woman. As we all know, the bravery, oh G-D the courage...I am, like many of you, probably, often too afraid to be brutally honest, too afraid to tell the truth, for fear that something this catastrophic would ensue. I have told Riese, no, you can't write about that, you can't talk about that, and most of the time, she figures out a way to do it - just DO it, because she lacks the anxiety that many of us do about just running and telling?

Having said that, she has kept my secrets. She has kept some of your secrets. She does not tell what she knows she cannot. But when she knows she can, when she feels she should, she does. And that is beautiful.

It gives me hope. It fuels my ambition.

Most of you do not actually "real life know" MLB, you know the Riese that she has created, that she so beautifully mocks and pities and writes about here. I know Marie. And I know Riese. I know her in a way than, sometimes, stuns me.

What I know about her, in light (dark?) of this situation, is that...well, this is true, bitter irony. The drug addict? The harlot? WHAT? This is a girl who sits in her room, writing, writing, writing, analyzing, working non-stop, thinking about how she can be better, do better, give MORE...all the time...

This is a girl who worries about children and mothers and the exteme poor...this is a girl who is the kind of human being that we all should be...her heart BEATS.

Sometimes we get to hear it here, and sometimes that hurts. And then, often, she will make light of that, and we LOL, and we think, my God.

She tells the truth.

riese said...

omg. I'd started writing another comment and then I previewed it and saw Haviland's comment and now I'm crying like Britney Spears in rehab. Also, I'd love to go to rehab. Since I don't have any drug problems, I could just like, chill and talk about myself and get free room and board. Probs work out. OMG. MY knees. I wish I had some narcotics ... for Christ's sake.

Haviland, my love, this is funny: as I've been re-posting all my old posts, I was like "OMG, there is so much I didn't say." I didn't talk about anything! I was like, whoa, totes whoa, re: everything, there is Nothing in there. But in truth, the person I describe in those entries seems kinda vapid sometimes, and frivolous, and I don't know why someone would rather hire someone like that instead of someone who takes a painkiller when her back hurts and can talk to people.

And Haviland, also, it is because of the confidence and sense of self-worth I've learned from you that I actually feel worthy of even half of what you wrote about me. I'm realising how much you've changed me and made me who I am and supported me even though I'm a retard.

So I was thinking and basically ... I guess this is the deal: if you wanna be a writer who desires to share relative truths with an audience, you're no longer employable. I feel the world's too complacent about this fact, right?

Why is it accepted by the mainstream and ppl w/power that it's cool to fire people or not hire people for having a blog? I don't defend someone's right to write about work -- they shouldn't, which's why we'd arranged for me to sign a confidentiality agreement.

I've never been able to get hired at temp agencies or law firms though cause I apparently have too many "connections to the media." This was a problem far before I started this blog.

I just can't believe what's happening to my friend, it is so insane. That she's being held accountable for my non-actions. I don't want to speak for her, though, just to say that the extent to which people are being punished for something I didn't do is deep and reverberating and yet we are impotent without power/money.

Like; you have to choose to be a writer/artist or to have a day job, you can't have both if you intend honesty w/your name on it. Now that everything's accessible on the internet, freedom speech/expression has become an afterthought.

I'm often told: erase your blog, try to get a day job, but still, there's too much out there with my name on it, what do other writers do? I guess they find a way to make a living at it.

I hate those horror stories of terminations following like, drinking photos on myspace. SFW? Stop looking at that dude's myspace. If he smells like beer every day, maybe do a background check. But to look just because you CAN?!! Why? I don't want to be another got-fired-for-her-blog story ... people get googled these days. If you google me, you'll either see my writing and think I say too much and therefore opt out (tho there's really nowhere that I promise absolute truths, for all they know I could be James Frey-ing it up, and maybe I am) of dealing with it altogether or you'll see my writing and my resume/credits/etc, think "she's about to take off, what does she need this office job for, she's gonna quit in six months anyhow" and not hire me. And they are probably right, I am going to quit in six months.

I think I never should've left my other job, because you sort of have to already be employed when you start blogging, you can't get a new job.

So how do I make this -- writing -- into my job? I don't know. As in -- able to actually pay my bills and live comfortably and have enough left over to help people?

For a long time, I thought that money and stability would be worth the sacrifice of creative expression. It never occurred to me to censor Auto-Straddle, because I figured anyone who decides to read an L Word recap is probs prepared for a lot of adult content, but that's where the most objected stuff comes from. Dudes, I say the most random shit ever on Auto-Straddle. It's about a teevee show.

And you know what? So what? I'm not a drug addict, I don't talk about my sex life, I can't imagine anything I talk about here interfering with work.

Also, sex is legal. Have you ever turned on the TV or read a book? Probs not, you're too busy reading my blog to highlight sexual content I guess. You should probs like, have sex. I don't, but someone should.

You know what's really problematic though is I talk about how I'm always late for things like constantly. I make fun of myself all the time. And why not take issue with that? I mean, that's a serious issue, because chances are, yup, I'd totes be late for work. Although I wouldn't've been late for this job, because I would've had a car picking me up, but whatevs.

But also, I'm not late as much as I say I am. It's called humor. It's called writing. It's called just because writing is searchable now and it wasn't back in the day, that people should be limited in creative expression. Like I could've written all this in a zine if this was like, 1995. Maybe I DID. Then I coulda done whatever I wanted and my employers wouldn't've known.

Obvs, raise your hand if you even knew I was going to be working in an office every day? You didn't. Why? Because I'm not retarded and don't talk about work.

Anyhow, whatevs. Who cares. I totes heart rock bottom. I'm like, re-living my own life through re-posting, and it's so weird. I don't know what to say about that yet. This really sucks for my friend because she is being fucked and I hate that, it's insane.

Also, this post, this one, right here? So unacceptable. Like, totes, I would not employ anyone who posted this. I guess that's the idea, I don't care anymore. Whatever. I guess I was thinking the starving part of the "starving artist" was proverbial. Maybe that's why they starved, 'cause no one wanted to hire some weirdo.

We're all weirdos though, I'm just talking about it. And Lozo. Go Lozo. Team Honest.

I should probably delete my own comment in the morning. Waa bla bla.

Cara said...

I have to agree with everyone on here. I love your blog and look forward to reading it everynight when I get home from work, just hoping you have updated. When you haven't, I am sad, and wanting more. I have never though anything you have written about has been over the line or inappropriate. You just talk about what the rest of us have never had the guts to say...and maybe, just maybe, that's why we all love auto-win so much.

I, for one, hope you keep on "keepin it real", otherwise I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I hope your friend is ok, and please let us know if there is anything we can do to help!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Riese,

In France NO ONE cares about your private life. NO ONE. You could have pictures of you naked straddling purulescent bacteria with pink comments scribbled on them "OMG I HEART BACTERIA" and no boss would care. America is a land of fools, puritanical imbeciles.THis is not really a consolation, is it? It will fall into place, right? Move to France, we love starving authors who write autobiographical books. Good luck duckie.

caitlinmae said...

I know I'm a little late on this gravytrain
but big love from upstate, m'dear.
you're better than this sort of treatment
and as your wall of praise can prove,
you mean a lot to a lot of people.
unfortunately, in america, it's illegal to have consensual sex, or speak freely about illegal behaviors in the past tense.

don't let the bastards grind you down.

caitlinmae said...

also- vagina. vagina. vagina.

also- haviland, your comment made me cry.

Anonymous said...

im stealing internet, since mine got shut off (is that illegal? gavin?) and my laptop battery is dying, since i live in the 1700's, but i just want to say to big brother, everyone, anyone..

marie [riese] lost her job, lost her money, lost a lot, and was more upset that she promised people things and wasn't going to be able to make good on her word. she was more upset that a mother wasn't going to get a her stroller, more upset that some 20 year old girl wasn't going to get clothes for her baby. if that's not someone you would want working for you, REPRESENTING you, then i don't know what is. then again, i don't know anything cause in the last 11 days everything i've known to be true, good, etc has kind of been turned upside down, off, whatever.

it's cold here and i have 2 minutes left on my battery, many things to do, obvs i'll be in touch

Diana said...

Oh, Riese. Why is it that good people get fucked over? I wish I could do something to help.

But God, look at what you've done here. This blog and its community. Your friends. All the love, respect, admiration. Haviland's comment. Wow. So much to be proud of. Don't let this keep you down.

Anonymous said...

This blog has kept me entertained through countless hours of "work". Your writing is on point...and I'm not sure there are any other blogs where a commenter would quote the translated "latin" from a Margaret Atwood book.
In short, everything about this site kicks ass, and ya shouldn't let the bastards grind you down.

Anonymous said...

If I was a boss somewhere (i'm not) it would never occur to me to google someone. I don't get it. Why would anyone care enough? It's fucking inane!

Also, you're really lucky to have a friend like Haviland (I know you don't need telling this but it must be nice for her to read). She's like your booster.

I have a theory where everyone has like one person in their whole lifetime who's their booster. It's the person who makes you wanna be better. The one who gives you confidence or that much needed push to do something. You're really lucky that you've found yours so early on in life.

I have been reading your blog for about 6 months and the L word recaps before that. I can honestly say I've never read something that has made me feel so normal (as in "oh fuck I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way") or so ............... I don't know. I have no words, I'm not a writer.

I'm not gonna say you're talented because I'm not like Booker Prize girl and don't know shit about writing but you have a way of tapping into emotions/situations and reaching your audience whom I suspect are of all different ages/colours/creeds. I think that's quite unique.

In summary, you're shit-hot at what you do and I wouldn't say no either.

Hope that makes you feel better.

riese said...

This is just to say:

1. Haviland, the specific line that broke my heart : Having said that, she has kept my secrets. She has kept some of your secrets.

2. So it's back. It was kinda good though I think for me -- now that I've sort of embraced the fact that it doesn't matter what I say, people will find a way to punish me so I may as well just say everything -- to go through it all again, like to trace how this all happened to begin with.

3. It is ironic that I never would've said anything about him or his family or even that I had a job but since he fucked me over I'd honestly be totes open to sending his name and information to Gawker for a douchebag of the week honour.

4. I love that Dave Chapelle skit about "keepin' it real."

5. I am moving to France.

6.Big Brother, everyone.

7. All of your words made me feel better and reminded me of a lot of things, most importantly, you know, like, this is so much more important, I think. More important than like ... then Visa thinks my bills are. I mean, whatevs Visa. This is totes priceless.

8. Although "7" seems sarcastic, I'm 100% serious.

9. I don't really deserve about 50% of what y'all have said about me, which is maybe the most magical thing of all. I want to be a better person, and maybe in writing it seems sometimes like I already am. Still, obvs, lots of improving to be done.

10. memememememememe

Anonymous said...

i thought u might like to know that i found this as a googlewhack searching with the words "fluid smackden" happy times :)

Anonymous said...

p.s because I like to be grammatically correct, I am aware that "smackden" is not currently a noun in the English dictionary. However, I am a massive fan of the word and also of your combination of it with the word fluid. I am sorry to say, that i was attempting to find a googlewhack using the words prestigious and smackden, which would have been comical. I therefore suggest that you write the word prestigious somewhere on your blog, and then you will be a googlewhack twice over... fun times!

p.p.s I enjoy your collar bone, it is delicately constructed.
my dream would be to align a meaty rib alongside your collarbone and watch them copulate.
also how do you like the fluidity of your heroin as you come to inject?
do you write your blog from the watery depths of your smackden, a place that you call sweet home. or is it for recreational use? i like recreational drug use, i like to snort a line of ket off a small wilderbeast, put a dildo on my head and run around like a crazed unicorn. happy times.
would you like to be friends? or preferably donate your kidney?
much lovings