Sunday, November 18, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: Everywhere You Look

This week was really heavy and emo 'cause of all the secrets, so this week's Sunday Top Ten will focus on lighter things. Like Bob Saget. See, the stagehands' strike has made a huge impact on my smokin' hot life, 'cause now Haviland's got all her nights off to play! We've been going to lots of fun things, e.g., power-lesbian dance parties, "potlucks"/antioxidant company pitches, hot underground dive bars that play "Gin 'n Juice" and "Mo' Money Mo' Problems" for us and improv comedy shows featuring a cast AND an audience of actors who've been sitting on facebook all day, adding applications and waiting for something to do.

So Thursday night, Haviland, Cait and I went to this improv show called "Don't Quit Your Night Job," there were lots of famous people in it like the girl from "The Sopranos," which I've never seen because I don't like guns or New Jersey. It started way past my bedtime, like 11:30. Alicia Witt was slated to appear but apparently SVU filming ran late, which's fine, I can just look at her photos online whenevs I want to, it's a free country. I think my brain is frozen or something, I can't seem to put words into sentences, I've got like forty ads to write tomorrow and I haven't started, I'm doing this though, why? I don't know, this seems to be a common problem. I'm sure I'll write an ad tomorrow for work (that's what I do, write job ads) looking for someone who can prioritise tasks efficiently, and I'll think to myself, "It's a good thing I don't have that job." I think writing this Top Ten takes less brain power than doing my actual work, I don't need a college degree to tell you that, but I have one anyway, because I love to learn.

Sooo ... unlike Busy-Busy-Alicia-Witt, Bob Saget was in it, and as he joked around and made us LOL, Hav leaned over, put her hand on my thigh tenderly, and whispered sweetly: "Is it weird that I kinda wanna sleep with Danny Tanner right now? He's just so cute! He's such a nerd!" and I was like "No, it's not at all, I'd totally go for it with Bob Saget." Which got us onto the topic of what other cast members of the television program Full House we'd like to sleep with, thus bringing us to this week's Sunday Top Ten.


First off, I know some of you live in foreign countries and though you're probs aware of Mary Kate & Ashley, you may not be familiar with their launching pad, the teevee show Full House, which aired from 1985-1997 and is currently in syndication for all of time constantly. Therefore, I'm gonna provide this brief intro for you, which I've copied and pasted from Wikipedia: "Full House is set in San Francisco, California, where Danny Tanner is left to raise his three young daughters D.J., Stephanie and Michelle following the death of his wife, Pam." Pam. I didn't know her name was Pam. Here I am, learning learning learning. Also, this weirdo put like, every episode of this show on her youtube channel, if you're interested in watching. It's bad, p.s. The show? It's a really, really, really bad show. There are no lesbians in it whatsoever.

Also, to be honest, I didn't watch this show that often intentionally, but I feel like it was always on and my friends always watched it. Everywhere you look, everywhere you look, someone was watching this show. I wasn't allowed to watch it at home, obvs, because I'm Amish.

10-8: By default, I'm forced to include some people I'd probably not want to buy chicken nuggets for, let alone sit around and stroke the hair of. But that's the rules [that I made for myself, wtf?]! Gotta pick TEN. So, OK; Kimmy (You'd have to be really drunk to bone Kimmy, and -- believe it or not, I've never actually kissed someone drunk I wouldn't want to kiss sober -- never had "beer goggles" or whateves. For Kimmy, you'd also need beer earplugs, are beer goggles just for boys? Oh I don't drink beer, got it.), D.J's boyfriend Steve, and Michelle's black girl friend. The black girl's grown-up now, so it's not gross or anything, don't worry, she's actually legitimately hot, but I'm putting her up here in the netherlands of hotness just 'cause 1. She was a baby then, therefore it still feels gross, 2. I actually don't even remember her being on the show, I'm just getting her link from the Wikipedia article.
Really, you should've seen the look on Hav's face when I told her I wouldn't've been opposed, at one point, to watching a DVD and popping some popcorn with Uncle Jesse. I know his career's taken a bit of a nosedive since then -- but he wore a white t-shirt, a black leather jacket, played in a band, and got to curl up next to Aunt Becky every night. I like how he did his hair, he was totally my type. I was like, hey take me for a ride on your motorcycle, lets go! Write me a rock and roll song!
I like more my IDEA of what they'd look like as adults, rather than how they actually did turn out to look, which is "about to die from starvation." I read all about their gazillion-dollar empire in New York Times Magazine probably 8-10 years ago, and was like "Whoa!" and then, lickity split, they were grown-up and famous with a million videos I'll never see. I like their style though, the hobo thing? Layering? I'm a fan of layering. Keeps you warm in the winter, it's hard out here on the streets. Regulators, mount up.

Not gonna lie: I loved Michelle and thought her character was non-stop hilarious. Watching these clips on youtube, I'm inclined to agree with myself. The twins that Aunt Becky birthed were funny too, we have similar haircuts.
Okay, tell me she's not a little hot right now? She wasn't the cutest or least annoying, but certainly given the choice between Stephanie and, say, Dave Coulier, I'd pick Stephanie. Jodi Sweetin. Plus you could make jokes, like "I'd like a little Sweet ... in." What am I talking about?


I think many know this now, esp. if you've seen the Full House E! True Hollywood Story (I can't remember when the fuck I had time to watch all this teevee. I honestly don't think I've watched anything for about a month now, whenever it was that they introduced Vanessa to Gossip Girl and her character was so ridiculously unlike her character in the book that I had to turn it off, I was so pissed) or the ET Full House "expose," you know that Bob Saget's comedy is totally "adult" and this show was a bit out-of-left-field for Saget. As was the Funniest Home Videos gig. He's a genuinely talented, sexy, nerdy, adorable, hilarious, charismatic, awkward-sorta guy. You just wanna lie around with him, eat potato chips and listen to him say funny jokes. Possibly forever.


She's just foxy, try to fight me on this one, I'll poke your eyes out 'cause you don't know how to use 'em anyhow. if you did, you wouldn't be fighting me, you'd be like "yes, clearly, Aunt Becky, love her.'


Confession: you know when you look back on your life and think "that's when I shoulda known I might be gay," that's how I feel about my lifelong imaginary affair with Malra Sokoloff. I've wanted to bone her since before I knew how babies were made. She played the badass best friend on every show ever, like "Boy Meets World" and "Party of Five" and "Seventh Heaven." Her characters always came from troubled families with "problems" at home, e.g., "Oh, this bruise is nothing, I just fell down the stairs!" or "Mom's just sleeping, she's just so tired from working so much." The parents of the protagonist would be like "Don't hang out with her, she's bad news." I think Gia got Stephanie into drugs and then ran her car off a cliff or into a tree or something, which made me super depressed, I didn't want her to leave the show/my life, wtf? Whatever, she was totally badass. She could be my best friend/best whatevs.

1. D.J
Me: "OMG you know who number one's gonna be right?"
Haviland: "Um, obviously."
Cait: "Who?"
Me & Hav [simultaneously]: "D.J."
I really need Haviland to write this one, only she can truly do justice to this. However, Haviland isn't here, though her bag is, and I want you to know I haven't gone through it. OK, let me go see if there's anything funny in it, BRB. No, just shoes and a computer and sunglasses, what a rockstar.

D.J's almost kinda chubby for a few years, but in a totally cute way, like you'd like to grab her ass, possibly all night long, forever. You could just eat her bangs right up. Wow. I actually wrote this entire Top Ten just now in record time. Can you tell? I've got a feeling you can. Also, Mr. Redacted, FYI, these aren't real people. Or are they?

UPDATE. Haviland's written her piece about D.J., which is clearly the cherry on top of this Top Ten. She just asked me "Did you really go through my bag?" 'cause she was worried I would've found all the heroin and antioxidants she's got stashed in her secret pocket, obviously I didn't, if I had, we would've had to have a Very Special Episode of the Vlog.

"I always had an affinity for DJ, because I felt like we would've been friends. She was so cute, so patient with Kimmy's ridiculosity, so stern with her annoying little sisters. I blew out my very curly/frizzy hair to look as much like DJ's as possible, complete with that flip at the front of her hair, side part, etc ... It mostly just looked really frizzy, but I did it, like we all did, nonetheless.

I also dressed a lot like DJ, especially around '91-'92. This also, coincidentally, followed the fashion stylings of Brenda Walsh, and also, Kelly Kapowski - but I looked more like Valerie than like Kelly.
You know what I mean, and you know the look - oversized t-shirts, neon spandex shorts, slouch socks (2-3 pairs if you were really hip) and white Keds with copious amounts of puff paint.

For those of you who didn't know me when I was a 'tween, I was, well, "a little chubby." Yep, I was a chub. Riese and I often talk about those troubling times, and how, though she was in Michigan and I was in Georgia, we would have wanted to have the other's problems ... I would have looked at her natural emaciation and longed, prayed, pined for it.

Also, I wore glasses, braces, and that damn frizzy hair. (I did have really good skin, though. Thank God for that.) Also, my mom was really cool, drove a convertible, and let me skip school to be in movies all the time, so there was that."
[SIDENOTE: This is Riese again. I didn't have glasses, but I did have braces and frizzy hair. I wanted to gain about 40 pounds so that my leggings wouldn't be baggy, because it was hard to rock denim shorts over leggings when the leggings weren't actually skin-tight, and once I tried to leave the house in tights and a t-shirt and my Mom was like "no way." Also we were only allowed to wear hand-me-downs from my cousins in Ohio, gender-neutral seperates from K-Mart, or used clothes from the used clothing store 'Old Woman in the Shoe', so we were a bit behind the times.]

Haviland: "Anyway, back to DJ. She was so cute, and the fact that she was kind of chubby and also a star of a very successful sitcom, playing the "kinda hot older sister" who had the hot boyfriend ... it gave me a lot of hope.

And look where I am today, beautiful babies! (LOL? Really? What am I talking about?) I don't know.

At this moment, I would love to be on a show like that, playing, obvs, the Aunt Becky role."

You guys, this was the best Sunday Top Ten Ever. Thanks Hav! Thanks DJ! Thanks Bob Saget! Hav just goes "I love grapes so much." Write that down. Oh, I just did.


.elida. said...

Obligatory "first comment!!!" statement. (even thought is wasn't a statement. Ha.

I almost lost faith in the progression of the list when I saw "Aunt Becky" at numero thrice. And then when she was followed by Gia and then D.J., I was all, "phew. ok. it all makes sense now."

ps: I LOLed a lot, especially at the 'Sweetin' joke. Ha. Awesome.

pps: Congrats on the lighting fast completion of this post. :)

.elida. said...

ppps(?): My comment was riddled with mistakes. Just so you know, I'm aware. The time stamp is waaaay off. It's 4:47am right now and I am all kinds of tired.

Crystal said...

I never saw Full House. So...

[update: the rest of this comment originally said First Comment! Woohoo! etc.. but I was too slow writing it. um, so.. plan B..]

I think your blog takes priority over writing job ads. If your boss is totally ace, she'll extend the deadlines. Oh wait! She is!

I have 12 hours until I have to wow everyone with an ad campaign that I haven't written yet. So, work-wise, we're both in the same boat. And it rocks. Ha! Get it?! Oh Crystal, you and your witty word play.

Ollie said...

I know in America people have weird names but is anyone called DJ??? Was is short for Damita Jo? Imagine all the jokes in real-world highschool.

Allie said...

Actually, it was Donna Jo. It seemed pretty normal at the time, actually. It was 1985, afterall.

Props for the expedient posting this week, Riese. So much for the Tuesday top eight/Thursday top six to which I've become accustomed. Good thing it's a short work week, or else I'd be really bored.

Jo said...

wow, I'm impressed! a Sunday top ten was waiting for me when I checked Google reader on a Sunday morning! Although, to be fair, I rarely am awake in the morning on sundays, so it's possible it's happened before.

Ok, gotta go write two lab reports, each one will probs take 6 hours. why didn't I start them sooner? Because I didn't. I'm honestly not sure if I'm capable of completing work more than 24 hours before it's due. I'm not sure if I was ever capable.

some say shay. said...

Hm, weird, I had wondered what you did. I knew you freelanced too, but I wasn't sure at what. That's terrible grammar.
Anyway, I freelance too, and I'm currently commented on your blog instead of writing one of the 4 articles due tomorrow. Awesome!

stef said...

wasn't stephanie the one who got addicted to crystal meth and then emerged years later with a new nose and new tits? stephanie was the one i related to, like when she wanted to change her name because all the kids called her step on me, and then she told everybody she wanted to be called dawn and then danny made fun of the name dawn and she gave up and heartwarming music played and everything was fine. also - i feel for andrea barber; she hasn't worked at all since she was gibler. i can't imagine living my entire life knowing that i peaked at like age 12 as kimmy gibler, and i bet being recognised was actually not much fun.

dewey said...

Thanks for your essay of a reply to my comment last night, so much of what you said is true, so many of the feelings I have.

I have know idea what this show is but I do know I couldnt enjoy anything that gave as Mary Kate and Ashley. I went to school with twins that looked like Mary Kate and Ashley/ the home farm twins, I didnt like them very much.

asher said...

stephanie was totes the one that got into drugs and thus would be perfect for you, riese.

ps - i had a huge crush on jesse and named a gerbil after him. didn't he answer the phone with, "talk to me..."? ridic.

cait said...

love all of it, except i can't believe you'd put jodi methface in front of the olsens, i mean, srsly? how rude!

i just had a flashback from an episode where uncle jesse moves rooms or something, but keeps the pink bunny framed for michelle and i kind of said awww out loud, which is depressing on all sorts of levels

but really the whole thing was phenomenal

MoonKiller said...

My friend and I had a conversation about who in Casualty we'd like to bone the other day.

That was one of the funnest things I've ever read, ever.

And I'm doing this when I should be doing my drama coursework. It's my last piece of like 20 which has totally knocked me out this week. And you know what else I was doing when reading this...eating grapes. : o. I want to spend like a year in hospital just so I can eat grapes everyday.

Haviland Stillwell said...

Not sure what being in a hospital has to do with eating grapes?

Cait, YOU are phenomenal. You too, Riese!!!

Also, we have a very special vlog just for those of you who like FULL HOUSE.

riese said...

Elida: Hello first commenter! I just hope Jodi would find my comic stylings as humorous as everyone else, and also, the time stamps on the comments are so ridiculously screwed up, I don't even know what time it is in my real life.

crystal: [this comment originally said: first comment response! whoohoo! ... oh wait. No it didn't.] You're such an ace boss. I am literally taking a break from doing work for you to write this comment, which might be meta, or just lame.

Ollie: The best part is that they called her Deej, which reminds me of Beej, as in "beejer," as in "blow job."

Allie: Allie! Ollie! Allie! Ollie! Uma! Oprah! Allie! Ollie! And thank you for the props, I've been working around the clock though the time stamps may suggest otherwise. I like it, posting a lot. I obvs have a lot to sayyy. So far.

jo: I wasn't awake Sunday morning if it makes you feel any better. 24 hours before something is due I feel like there's always something else due sooner, if that makes sense.

some say shay: I'm down to two. Awesome! I'm so exactly the kind of person that shouldn't be a freelancer, I think, though ace bosses help.

stef: TOTALLY. That's not her real nose? Or her real tits? Really? Because when i watched that video, I was like, damnnn Stephanie, you are a hot --- hot hot potato. Not a hot mess. Something. I feel like Kimmy and Six from Blossom should start a club about peaking as the annoying best friend. Hopefully unlike me she has a savings account.

asher: Awesome! We could share drugs, and i'd be like, I love hanging out with you here at rock bottom, Stephanie my love. Thank you for crushing on Jesse. Maybe he's a lesbian?

cait: NICE with the "how rude!" I don't think I remember any episodes at all except for the one where Gia and Stephanie run the car into the tree or window or whatevs.

moonkiller: Hay! I've never seen Casulty, but it sounds like it'd be ripe for boning. I wish I had beautiful lythe greek maidens feeding me grapes all day, and if that could happen at a hospital, that'd be totally cool.

haviland stillwell: You are something like an Antioxidant, and I want you to know you are one of my TOP PEOPLE. TOP people. Get it? Top? Like ... top? I can't wait for the vlog, it sounds awesome! I hope there's scrunchies involved. Love you!

stef said...

this is about to get embarrassing.. i have a part of my brain that is totally dedicated to very useful information, like the whereabouts of former child stars. but like, in the picture you posted, yeah, that's all the sweetin we knew and loved = but take a look at her NOW (by now i mean this past june). and here she is at her wedding earlier this year with the rest of the full house cast (is that STEVE? and GIBLER? holy crap).

Sweetin’s acting career came to a pause when Full House went off the air in 1995. In an attempt to live a normal life, Sweetin went to high school and college and got married at age 20 to a police officer, who she says had no idea about her addiction. Sweetin started experimenting with meth during a time in her life when she was “unemployed and bored.” In an effort to pass the time, Sweetin’s experimentation soon became a daily habit, which eventually destroyed her marriage and caused enough concern from her former “Full House” cast mates to stage an intervention.

Prin said...

I hated that show with a passion because I grew up with a single dad and we never had those "heart to hearts" with the cheesy music (more like "hand to throats" instead). And those girls thought they had enough problems to be on tv? Gimme a break. :D

But the post rocked. :) Not sure I agree with your choices, but that's only because my list would be empty. If it had been a Family Ties countdown... :D

kazzie said...

when i was little my sister and i would watch full house religiously (we lived in singapore at the time and it was one of few shows we could watch in english). anyways, for my birthday she got me a few of the seasons on dvd. ahah man it was baaad.

but yeah, this post cracked me up. as in it was 'haha' funny. not at all a drug reference..

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Dunno if this affects anything, but D.J. is a total Jesus Freak these days:

Hav might still qualify, but that rules her out for you, Riese - they don't do Jew. ;)

cait said...

umm did you say you didn't like new jersey? that hurts my feelings and i feel like i wasted my 'how rude' cause i would totally say it right now

Bridget said...

LMAO:"Plus you could make jokes, like "I'd like a little Sweet ... in." What am I talking about?

in second grade I told everyone Jodie and I were cousins -- because we share the same last name...

word, I should totally start that rumor up again...

MoonKiller said...

Haviland: Cause people give you grapes in hospital. And baloons.

Shyaporn said...

The cast of Full House has apparently been banned from Williamsburg and all points East.


Amy said...

Ah, but is early Becky better or hippie Aunt Becky?

riese said...

stef: More embarrassing is that I'd already read that interview. Also boredom is defo one of the top ten reasons to do meth, wtf?

prin: Yeah I hated Home Improvement because their family was so stable and nice that it made me want to throw hammers at people's heads. I don't remember which show family ties was. Is that the one with the lesbian on it? Or like, the fake lesbian? OMG, my computer won't stop whirring.

kazzie: Yeah, it is baaaaaaad. It's okay if you do crack, I don't judge.

bb: Dude, Jesus is a Jew!

cait: I love New Jersey it's my favorite state on earth aside from Idaho.

Bridget: Consider it started.

moonkiller: I would like grapes and a balloon.

shyaporn: I hope they know they can always come see me in Planet Harlem. I am waiting with open arms.

amy: totes early aunt becky. hippies never come off well on the teevee I think.

Prin said...

Family Ties was the one with Michael J Fox and Justine Bateman. Maybe the youngest sister was a lesbian. Probably. lol