Live Blogging my DONE To-Do List: 1. Auto-Fun - DONE, 2. Book Club/B-Day Contest Info- - DONE

I completed the auto-fun last night, and then said: "Now I am tired and must retire to my chambers. There are bunnies and littlefoots waiting for me with tea and crumpets and a lullaby. Tonight's lullaby will be "Major Tom" sung by the Langely School Choir. I'll do the book club stuff tomorrow at the end of the auto-fun."

It is now the bright shiny morning of our content, and scroll down for all things Junot Diaz and LJLBF (those are my brother Lewis's initials, in full).

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quote: "And how I feel right now about that is a little sad because I want to live so much and have all my time and do so many things. So I have to attend to the thing in front of me because if I am not focused I can get overwhelmed by my desire to do everything still, yet as they say the clock is ticking and I won't get to it all. I can't. And the impossibility of that choice, of the everything when I was young, that choice made me a poet because I could have some purchase on everything and do a little bit of it all day." (Eileen Myles, "Live Through That?!")

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auto-fun:
1. An advantage to my elite education is that I was compelled to read this entire story from start to finish: The Disadvantages of an Elite Education (@the american scholar)
2. Gay Men and Straight Women Have Similar Brains, Study Says (@the la times)
3. Another great Dirty Girls Review. (@city paper)
4. Rich people actually are happier than poor people. Ta-da! (@portfolio)
5. OMG, this is really sweet. (@the planet podcast)
6. "there's still nothing like a good old-fashioned hardback." Editorial Notebook (@nytimes)
7. Top Ten Family Guy Newscasts (@nerve.com)
8. Interview with Drag Historian Joe E. Leffreys (@naked city @the village voice)
9. Media Bitchery: The Definitive Biography. (@gawker)
10. The Microfame Game. .A lot of feelings about this. (@nymag)

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Y'all rocked the Birthday Contest. You made me & Lewis laugh & smile over and over. The videos! The Jesus-postcards, personally selected songs, e-cards, animated postcards, personal photographs etc. -- y'all blew me away. SO it's hard to pick a winner. I shouldn't hold contests, I feel bad about all the people who didn't auto-win. I'd be better as a teacher where I can grade people. Contest judging is like teaching a class where everyone's pass-fail, and only one student can pass.

I wonder if there's anything I'd be qualified to teach a class in. "The Collected Works of Cecily Von Ziegesar" or "Contemporary Writing By Urban-Dwelling Sexually Flexible Women" or "The Contemporary Memoir" or "The Short Story after 1950" or "Suburban Discontent in the Modern Novel." Anyhow, back to Lewis.

Rather than waste a tree by literally pulling names from a hat, I made a numbered list of all the entries in order of submission, and then emailed Alex:

Number 17! Dorothy, here's lookin' at you! Email me with your address and you'll get a book in the mail, or, if you've already got the book, you can get next month's book when it's decided, or auto-gear.

The creative award was a little harder. So I narrowed the field and then asked Lewis for his faves -- and, having disqualified his first two selections 'cause I'm not about to give a free book to someone who's already endeared to me (a.k.a. people i know outside of blog-world), especially 'cause obvs they'll be buying the book on their own or else I'll kill them ...

As y'all know, I'm a sucker for things that are so bad they go all the way past good, back to bad again, and then into the beautiful realm of terrible/AWESOME. Chaitee wrote a poem, Lewis cited that as a favorite because though it was "terrible," it indicated admirable "effort." Of course, I love it.

Highlights include:

Happy bishday Lewis, I thought your name was Leonard
Can I call you Leonard? I think that name is splendid.

I hear your car uses diesel
So does mine
It's not really feasible
To use petrol
With fuel prices the way they are
Though diesel is $1.70 a litre and climbing here in Australia which makes me want to gouge my eyes out with spoons, mash them into a fine meal, mix with water; and use as my own special brand of fuel
I forget what word I was supposed to be rhyming
Diesel
Rhymes with weasel, maybe you should get one for your birthday
Or get a sticker of one, to put on your car window, that'd be awesome, I say.

What a blow
No giant rubber fists
as gifts
For your birthday

Howevs, Chaitee's already confessed to buying the book, which means she'll be taking another prize. So ... Sarah R., want a copy of The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao?

Lewis was very heartwarmed by all your good wishes and wrote this story for all the heartwarmers. Apparently he already posted it on his Facebook, so if you're facebook friends w/Lewis, you've already read it. I'm not facebook friends w/Lewis, 'cause I'm scared that one day I'll get something in my feed like "Lewis Bernard has added 'booty calls' to his interests," and then I'll be scarred for life. Which's probs how he feels every time he tries to read my blog or published stories.

Also, Lewis was inspired to catch up on my blog and would like to make it known that he hasn't worn Axe Body Spray since high school, and that since abandoning the allegedly irresistible scent, his luck with the ladies has increased exponentially.

Here's Lewis:

I'd like to thank all of you who wished me well on the 24th anniversary of my escape from my mother's womb.

Looking over the list I see a nice variety of friends from the third coast to the dirty coast, spanning a couple of continents and countless (well, like 6) states. It's a privilege to have touched so many lives and so, for those of you don't know about June 16th's bender at the Maple Leaf (for the record, neither did I, surprise!) I'm gonna share my favorite story from it.

Early in the night I'm chatting it up with this girl. (I don't remember her name, hair color, age or really anything besides her saying she's some sort of singer and that she had a nasty bruise on her arm.) She says the bruise on her arm is a result of taking too much Valium on her private plane, apparently, though she couldn't recall specifics. I'm bleeding from the elbow for some reason too, so I find her admission comical and noteworthy.

The conversation shifts to astrology ... so, I leave her at the bar, find my friends on the patio, and one thing leads to another and before you know it the five of us are at the front bar ready for birthday shots. I look up to see Valium Girl standing on a bench, watching the band.

"Come take a shot with me, it's my birthday!" I yell. Valium hops down and joins me and together we find my friends -- money unspent and no shots to be seen.

Dan explains: "There's no sugar for lemon drops so Margot went to Jaques-Imos to borrow a cup."

Valium starts laughing: "I thought you said MAKE OUT with me, not ..."

Oh, I know what she means, and it's awkward, but I manage: "No, no I said take a shot with me --" and then -- excellent! "... but you followed me!"

"You just looked so confident and it's your birthday! So I just figured."

So there's the lesson: Carry yourself with confidence, say it's your birthday, and the world is your oyster.

(Additional Life Lessons from the Lew-Man are here.)

Book Club:

Okay. I'm gonna give y'all a week to get your hands on Junot Diaz's The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao and then you'll start reading like wild rabbits. It's cheapest online. Wao has received numerous awards including the New York Times Notable Book Award, National Book Critics Circle Award and the Pultizer Prize for Fiction. A brief Wiki-hijacked description: "The novel chronicles not just the "brief wondrous life of Oscar Wao," an overweight Dominican boy growing up in New Jersey and obsessed with science fiction, fantasy and women, but also the curse of the "fukú" that has plagued Oscar's family for generations and the Caribbean since colonization and slavery. The middle sections of the novel center on the lives of Oscar's mother Beli and his grandfather Abelard under the dictatorship of Rafael Trujillo. Rife with footnotes, science fiction and fantasy references, and street Spanglish, the novel is also a meditation on story-telling, Dominican diaspora and identity, masculinity, and the contours of authoritarian power."

You must be at page 160 by July 2nd for our first team meeting. If you aren't, you will suffer. Look at Junot in that picture! He's standing by a wire fence on an urban street! You know what that means. I wonder where my author picture will be taken if I ever have one. Hopefully on the roof. Of my urban street. Anyhow.

While awaiting your book's arrival, you should read his short fiction: I love the story Alma (@the new yorker) and FYI; Wao started as a short story, I've not read it (Fear of Spoilers), but I imagine it'll be interesting post-reading. Last summer I ate Wildwood -- (not available online), and I'm recognizing much of it in the novel. I was encouraged to read that Drown was his only book before this one, so, coupled with The New Yorker's stories, I've read almost everything he's published and therefore I am a Junot Diaz expert! Perfect for my position as book club leader!

In the mean-time ... if you've got any questions you think would be good to ask/discuss, vocab you didn't know, or opinions about what you've read so far, email me at Automatic_Win@yahoo.com. I'm gonna try to finish it within the next few days so that I can field your requests regardless of how far you're reading ahead.

I'm compiling a list of some of the english translations of spanish words I didn't know (nothing that'll give anything away. I'm only on page 100) Not knowing a few words here and there really doesn't matter, though. FYI.

OK -- I'm still figuring out exactly how one operates an online book club, and how I will make mine super-special and fun ... but I will figure it out and obviously you will be the first to know. I'll be posting online interviews and other related tidbits over the next few weeks. But I promised some information today, and I like to follow-through on at least 65% of my promises.

Also! I'm really excited. This is more-or-less my fantasy about anything a blog could ever be. We're all gonna read a really fucking good book together and have good conversations about it! Srsly, I've had a legit pep in my step for the past week just thinking about it. You can ask my neighbors on my urban streets all about it.

H & R Advice Column #2: You've Got Feelings, We've Got Feelings, Let's All Scream for Ice Cream!

Hello grasshoppers. Haviland & Riese have more advice for you! [A full update on: The Book Club (selection: The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao) & Lewis's Birthday Contest will come on Thursday. Also -- the book is full price at Barnes & Noble, so I'd suggest buying it online. Buy @ amazon via this link here and I'll get .02 cents towards the purchase of alcohol for myself. If you're in NYC, put yourself on the library wait list STAT, 'cause it's got 370 holds already. Cheapest copies I found were on amazon,Textbookx.com (here), and Half.com (here).]

Questions have been edited for brevity. Also, I make up all the names. Just FYI. Any tips for our advice-seeking people? Please do tell. Also, as always, send your inquires to ASKAUTOWIN@YAHOO.COM (and if you already have, and you're not in this column, we'll get you next time) ... and you just may see your questions answered in a VLOG.

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Left Asshole Husband, Moving to Virgina, Wants to Go Girl-on-Girl

Hi H&R,

After 3.5 years in a verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive relationship, I got separation papers, asked my boss for a job transfer, and will be closing on a new house June 30 in a different city. My question is - how do I find a girlfriend (not boyfriend) and a group of great friends like you do - in my new city? I'm moving to Williamsburg (VA, not NYC), which is close to Norfolk, Virginia Beach, Newport News etc. I've always liked both sides and I want to focus on women a whole lot more. Please advise me.

Meet Virginia

Dear MV,

Riese:

* Firstly, congratulations on getting out! Before you leave, I'd suggest putting a chicken in his bed & locking the door.
* Secondly, OURCHART, obviously. Jeez.
* Thirdly, Historic Williamsburg. I bet there's a bunch of lesbos churning butter and playing with sheep there, like at a nunnery.
* Fourthly, I'd suggest starting a (new) blog, then people will be lining up to sleep with you, like Cinderella. Since Williamsburg is pretty tiny, any lesbo you meet will probs be eager for friends so if you see a lady at the store with short hair and a big axe (as if she's about to go lumberjack it) or Jodie Foster, be like "what's up?" and wave your metaphorical pride flag.
* Fifthly, Go on craigslist, honestly, look for other girls looking to make gay friends and stuff. That's how I met Chase, and through her I met Lainy, and through Lainy I met Haviland (they'd met each other on friendster). I'd say "go to the gay bar," but lesbians never talk to new people in gay bars, 'cause they're all freaks and weirdos.
* Sixthly, ARE THERE ANY LESBIANS READING THIS WHO LIVE IN THE WILLIAMSBURG VIRGINIA AREA? IF SO PLEASE GET IN TOUCH. ASKAUTOWIN@YAHOO.COM OR COMMENT.

Haviland: Seriously, congratulations on getting it together and getting out of that horrible situation. Really fantastic.

What kinds of things do you like to do? I would suggest doing those things, and you'll find people you like that way. I wouldn't focus on "finding a girlfriend." Relax in your new home, make it comfortable for yourself, and reach out to cool people there. You'll eventually click with someone and voila, instant girlfriend...but for now, I wouldn't go out seeking that. Good luck!

Riese: OK also a few weeks ago we had a conversation where Caitlin and I admitted that sometimes a drink helped ease social anxiety, since usually talking to strangers gives us the panic. And Haviland was 100% bewildered by this, not understanding how we could feel uncomfortable about talking to other people and subsequently overanalyze everything we say ... and that we do this just 'cause it's "talking to other people," not any other factors. Hav will go talk to anyone and is adept at meeting people she likes, and she doesn't even drink. However, I'd suggest that you get drunk first. Really the internet is the key, I've felt.

I agree through about not looking for a girlfriend. I never was -- in fact that was the last thing I wanted for a long time -- but when it happens, it happens, and it'll happen for you.

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Ex Wants to be Friends, Ex is Probs a Liar, Ex Says She Still Loves Me
Dear H & R,

My ex and I were friends for a couple years before our long-term relationship. We broke up 'cause she said it wasn't working, but I heard from another friend that she'd just been trying to get me out of the way so she could hook up with an old-school crush, a boy. In fact, all my friends have stories about her: that she gave guys her number at a bar, that she kissed a guy in a bar, that she'd gotten a text from a guy offering to take her out to dinner (she says she never talked to him), that when she refused to kiss her crush in public he called her a bitch and a cocktease (she says he understood her refusal) ... I don't know what to believe, it was messy and we both said a lot of confusing/hurtful things, and now sometimes she says she wants to be friends and she made a mistake or that she still loves me.

Once when arguing, she said she thinks sex with a girl isn't like being with a man and doesn't count as losing your virginity and that she wanted to go back to being with guys. She'll get mad and say I'm taking it personally when it's just about guys vs. girls. [An additional paragraph detailing specific misbehaviors is not being published, per request of the author]

I feel like I have wasted so much of myself on her and everything we had was a lie but she says she said that to get back at me, that she did/does love me.

I am not friends with any of my other exes and am finding it very hard to want to be friends with her, I don't know what to believe. Should I even try to be friends with her again like she wants, or is it too hard to be friends with an ex, and just give up and move on?

Love you gorgeous girls by the way
So Dismantled

Dear SD,

Riese: It has taken me many moons, grasshopper, to come to understand the behavior you describe in the part we're not allowed to print. First of all, please download Fiona Apple's "Get Gone," and put it on repeat and scream at the wall. Okay.

You need to cut your losses and get out stat, she's using the oldest emotional manipulation tactics in the book. They always work on me too, but recognizing them was the first step to change that behavior on my behalf. You gotta step out of your body and look at these people subjectively, the two girls that are fighting.

It sounds like she's got a lot of personal issues to work on and thinks she deserves every bit of love she gets, and that no one will ever understand this deserving and they'll question her and this's why she must lie to get the response she probs honestly feels she is worthy of ... but she's not considering that the other person is actually RIGHT about how humans oughtta behave, especially to those they love. There are rules of human behavior that apply to everyone, including her.

It'll be hard to leave, but you must go. And also, like ... even if you look at Bette & Tina, there was no emotional manipulation there. Bette fucked up, but she wasn't a fucked up person. Marina was much more manipulative ... even Jodi, sometimes.

It sounds like you're almost addicted to it, and so getting off it will feel like sweet sweet freedom ... but first you must endure the painful withdrawal. And for that, time will heal your pain, and good friends.

Haviland: Agree fully with Riese. I don't think it's impossible to be friends with exes, but it sounds like you don't want to be friends with her, anyway. So what you're really asking is, "can i pretend to be friends with her, and hope that while we're "friends" I'll actually get her to confess her undying love for me, and we'll get back together?" The answer is no. And even if it were yes, thats just too annoying, painful, and time wasted from hanging around people who won't make you ultimately feel so bad about yourself. I don't even know you, but I'm pretty sure you don't deserve that. Judging by your choice of web-reading, you're a smart person, and smart people shouldn't waste their precious emotional energy with people who drag them through the drama-mine the way this girl obvs is. It's all easier said than done, but focus on yourself, your friends, job, etc...and get out of it.

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Quarterlife Serial Monogamist Desires The Casual Sex

Dear H&R,

I have a confession to make: I am a quarterlifer serial monogamist. Despite all of my friends extolling the virtues of having a 'slut phase' I've just never been able to do it. Whenever I have The Sex (even if I've been consuming The Drink) I wind up with a lot of feelings, and subsequently a girlfriend. While I generally don't mind my situation, it does mean there are some things I've never indulged in (redheads, I'm looking at you). Occasionally this leaves me with the nagging fear that one of these girlfriends will become a wife, and that I'll never be able to so indulge.

Do you have The Casual Sex? If so, how? If not, do you have similar breadth-of-palette anxiety?

Sincerely Forever,
Anonymous

Dear SFA (you get to keep your chosen name, 'cause it's so sexy!),

Riese: Well ... I'm not gonna disclose the breadth of my experience, but let me say this: really, the only thing that matters is if you like the girl or not. If you're totally into her, then the term "Casual Sex" no longer applies-- nothing is "casual' when your partner is serious. So the key to having The Casual Sex is to hook up with girls you wouldn't ever want to girlfriend. For example, maybe you could already have a girlfriend but could agree to be in an open relationship, thus eliminating your anxiety about wives and so forth. Howevs, those are tough to coordinate and rarely work.

The CS may be fun and thrilling, but the best part is right before you first kiss and you're still wondering if it'll happen and what it'll be like. Maybe do that once or twice, then get married. Also, there's massage parlors. And threesomes?

Anyhow, I think one's sexual experiences (and subsequent talents) are actually better attributed to quantity and quality of sex with the same partner over a long period of time, rather than a few fumbling nights of momentary pleasure and mutual unknowing with randoms here and there. You never learn much from having Casual Sex, besides that alcohol is SEXY and you miss your ex, 'cause with her things were comfortable, like the John Mayer song "Comfortable."

Haviland: "Slut phases" are not for everyone. It sounds like you're just not that kind of person, and that's really okay. You could break up with a girl you really like just to go out and have encounters with people who you're doing your damndest NOT to like, and then feel bad about yourself, and feel gross and also like you're compromising who you are just for a story to tell, or you could just reconcile with yourself the fact that, well, you like relationships. And there's really nothing wrong with that. Don't let your friends pressure you into being slutty.

Riese: She doesn't mean "slut" as a derogatory term. Just ... FYI. Take back the word, ladies!

Haviland: No, of course not! I would never use that term - that's how SFA referred to it, so I was being all therapist-like and just going with his terminology. Also, of course, if you are going to go there, do use protection, and have a team meeting to make sure you're all on the same page about what's happening.

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Friend is a Mooch, Drinks my Jack Daniels, is also a Drummer For Our Band

Dear H & R,

So, I have this friend who is kind of a mooch. I've known her for about 6 months now, we've grown pretty close quickly, we're in a band together (she's a phenom drummer, ps). She's a really awesome person and I know she's kinda broke, but so am I.

She'll ask to share rides but never takes a turn driving or offers gas money, she helps herself to the booze I bring to rehersals or my jack & coke, if we get food or booze as a band, she literally never chips in, and at bars she'll try to put her drink on our tabs "by mistake" by ordering with us, etc. This weekend I refused to carpool w/her to a gig and she got huffy (we always go to her place for rehersal so she never has to drive, or pay for gas or food ... and we just got new recording gear and she's yet to chip in). If she wakes up drunk on my couch I won't even feed her when she wakes up, as I would with any other friends/enemies. I'll wake up, hide my food, and when she's up I'll say I need to go grocery shopping. She'll ask "Want me to come with you?"

We confronted her when she was two hours late for a rehersal where we'd been waiting outside her door and she wouldn't answer her phone and she said "I don't need this right now," and stormed away crying. Then she drank half my Jack.

-Closing the Bank of Myself

CTBOM,

Riese: The first thing I do in this kind of situation is prepare a spreadsheet of what she owes you. Then make another list of what she's done for you. Then cut them out, paste them in your journal and bitch to anyone who'll listen. That's what I'd do, and it feels good.

This girl isn't just a mooch, she's basically a criminal. Out out out with her bitchass nannyfucking motherfucker ass. You'll find a new drummer like Alex Vega or Lewis Bernard. If she says she doesn't need this right now and starts crying, you tell her you don't need this right now either then slap her in the face, and while she's down grab her wallet and take all she's got. Anyhow she sounds crazy ... and I'm guessing she doesn't have any money. Possibly she has narcissistic personality disorder, is manic and in a stage of hypomania, or is a sociopath.

Haviland: Tell her what's bothering you. If she starts to cry, tell her you don't really know how to deal with her, because you have some very unemotional issues to discuss and she's making them emotional. I suggest you find a new drummer who is more professional. And definitely, set up more clear boundaries - like not allowing her to crash on your couch whenever she's too drunk to drive. Has she heard of a cab? And if she can't afford it, then she can't afford to be out drinking. She's an adult and she can plan ahead. Certainly, once in awhile, sure, we make mistakes, but it sounds like this is fairly habitual. I'm never certain as to why people are so nice to irresponsible "friends" when these so-called friends continue to take advantage and not return the kindness.

Riese: The bigger the hair, the closer to the Lord, y'all.

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Can't Get Into Contemporary Fiction

Help H&R.

Contemporary fiction leaves me cold. Am I reading it wrong? I was an English major: I enjoy literature from pretty much every movement up through the modernists (this includes work from other countries as well). I love a solid, plot-twisty, character driven, socially conscious Victorian novel just as much as Sei Shonagon's scattered, piece-meal, self-indulgent, pillow-book musings.

(I can read non-fiction and I've read Sarah Waters -- though really for (nearly) the same reasons that I watch The L Word-- she writes about female desire.)

But when I read The Corrections or All the Sad Young Literary Men or other contemporary, well-thought-of fiction, I feel... nothing or restless or irritated. What am I missing?

-Sad Young Literary Woman

Dear SYLW,

Haviland: I am so not the person to ask about this...if you need political recommendations/journalists to watch, come to me. As for modern fiction...Riese, go for it!

Riese: Have you read Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or Jurassic Park?! You'd change your mind if you did! (JK)

See, I feel the same way except the opposite. I believe this fairs better for you than for me ... I think everyone just likes what they like, 'cause I don't understand how anyone could prefer reading a socially conscious Victorian novel to Bright Lights Big City.

Your problem comes from this: what just came out (a.k.a. contemporary fiction) hasn't stood the test of time yet. All the stuff you like has -- old literature comes to you like a filter that was set in stone before you were born. We take a gamble when we buy a brand new book. Will it last? Will it matter next year?

Although, you do mention two authors widely known to be assholes, which's interesting. Though actually I'd recommend The Corrections as something you might enjoy -- I think although the subject matter is contemporary, the approach to the novel as an art form is more similar to your favored writers.

Look for contemporary writers who admire the same writers you do, that's the best route.

But also, you like what you like ... at least it works out in school. I was forced to read The Canterbury Tales but you were not forced to read Nobody Belongs Here More Than You.

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Coming to the City To Do Good Work, Already Having Trouble With Roommates and Apartments

Dearest H&R,

I'm a Georgia native currently living in North Carolina with no ties to NYC, but I recently took a job in NYC w/Habitat for Humanity that pays a $980 monthly stipend, an unlimited MTA card, health insurance, and $200 directly paid to my landlord. I found a girl on craigslist moving from Oregon at the same time I was -- we clicked right away, talked a lot, and thought we'd cut costs further by acquiring other roommates, and we found two guys on roommates.com. I told them my work info, and since they weren't looking to spend over $600/month, all was well w/r/t that.

Today one of my future roommates emailed to say he wanted me out of the apartment deal 'cause of my finances. I've got savings, but I'm fine if he doesn't want to be my roommate 'cause he's a tool who can't grasp the humanitarian concept. What gets me is the girl I met on craigslist is still getting a place with them, even though she'll be making less than me! And! We've got tickets to see Ani DiFranco and Kimya Dawson on July 16th -- since I bought the tickets, is it wrong of me to not want to share this glorious night w/the backstabbing roommate-stealer? Is it overreacting? Am I completely naive about my NYC financial situation? Do you know anyone who needs a roommate? And finally do you know anyone who wants a ticket to Ani D & Kimya D?

Sincerely Yours,
Homeless Home-Builder

Dear HHB,

Riese: First off -- I think what you're doing is pretty abso-fucking-lutely wonderful ... and I'm inspired by your eagerness to endure what's going to be a very very difficult budgeting situation. You're gonna have to live in far-out Queens or Brooklyn to find rent under $600, so I'd suggest looking on craigslist sublets & temporary where the price is already there and you'll be judged by your personality rather than your income. Also; from now on -- TELL EVERYONE YOU HAVE A MASSIVE SAVINGS ACCOUNT. Live close to your to-work train so that even if it's a shit neighborhood, it's convenient. I've lived in about 500 apartments and done the hunt about 100 times, so I know the deal.

Also, think about a part-time after-hours job. Kit gave a blow job for a taco once.

As for your ex-roomie, you're gonna have a lot of easy-come-easy-go friendships in NYC. It can be dog-eat-dog/heartbreaking. You can lose & regain your faith in humanity hourly, and there's no perfect method to figuring out who's gonna be a good one. Take someone else to the concert, forget her. She's fucked up and you haven't even met her yet. Out out out.

All city-dwellers have heaps of people within a five-mile radius who we no longer speak to -- people who've been fleetingly crucial, so absolutely necessary to daily life but are now gone gone gone. Think of these people as practice for the friends & lovers that'll end up mattering. Since day one, my number one NYC rule has been Don't Fuck People Over on Housing.

They're wise not to go into an apartment-hunting situation w/you 'cause your budget is lousy. They'll end up going higher once a broker or landlord seizes them. Even though clearly you're an amazing person, they're entering a city full of amazing people.

So you gotta think about how to position yourself more attractively this time around: can your parents be gaurenteers? That's an asset. Your best asset to sell yourself is that you'll rarely be home 'cause you'll be working often. Maybe you're quiet & go to bed early (or loud & party all night) and will appeal to someone similar, or maybe someone who's new to the city will want to live with someone also eager to make friends. If you're gay, search "GLBT friendly" on CL and you might find someone who'll care more about your sexuality than your job. Think assets, baby. Post a "roommates wanted" ad, that worked for me once.

In New York City, every person is a dime a dozen. Once you understand that and embrace it, you'll discover that you can use this both to avoid pain and to maximize pleasure. Trust me ... or ... don't.

Haviland: Yeah, she's right. It's hurtful, what she did, but honestly, this happens all the time, and you have to just move on. Do the CL thing under sublets...you'll find something, don't worry. Good luck in New York!

Riese: ALSO ANYONE NEED A ROOMMATE OR WANT TO GO TO AN ANI DIFRANCO CONCERT ON JULY 16TH? There you go.

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Wants To Know What To Wear to the Clubs

Dear H&R
What you should/should not wear to the clubs
or
what does riese/carly/haviland wear to the clubs?
And
What’s your favorite part about summer?
-Hot Fun in the Summertime

HFITS,

Riese: We will disclose our answer to this one in video. What we wear to the clubs -- and boy do we club! -- is a multimedia question. Also, I loathe all parts of summer, there's nothing I like about it except that it's not freezing cold outside like it is sometimes in January. and that's liking "not-winter," rather than summer specifically. So. Oh! Oh! The Rosie Cruise!

Haviland: Don't wear anything to "the clubs" that is going to be uncomfortable, or that you'll care about getting ruined when people are knocking up against you and spilling their drinks all over you. I think it really depends where you live, because fashion in LA and NY, for instance, could not be more different. What do you like to wear? Start there, and then observe what other people wear, and steal ideas. Just no Ed Hardy prints, please. Also, re:summer, I love the summer, and in LA, it's always summer!

Riese: By that she means, "I'll elaborate on the vlog."

---

Have the Desire With Me So That We Can Get to Know Each Other Better and See What Happened in Future

hello dear,

how are you today i hope that every things is ok with you as is my pleassure to contact you after viewing your profile which really interest me in having communication with you if you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better and see what happened in future.

i will be very happy if you can write me through my email for easiest communication and to know all about each other also send you my picture, i will be waiting to hear from you as i wish you all the best for your day and God bless you.

yours new friend,
jane saleeby.

Riese: Send naked photos to Lozo. No fat chicks. While we're on the topic, you also have a good day and G-d bless you too, Janey Jane Jane. You and your little profile and your big big desire.

yours new special friend, Riese.

Haviland: Can I introduce you to my friend "punctuation"?

Riese: Especially my lover the comma. Something tells me y'all would click like WHOA. You can't meet the semicolon, clearly, she's taken.

---

Desires Of Going Into Long Time Relationships and Financial Transaction for Our Mutual Benefits
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into long time relationships and financial transaction for our mutual benefits.
I am Miss. Emanuela Fofana and I inheritated an important sum from my late father who died in recent crisis in Cote d'Ivoire . I wish to request for your assistance in investing this sum in lucrative venture or manufacturing and real estate management in your country.
I have Five million, five hundred thousand United State Dollars. USD ($5.500,000)to invest in this transaction and I will require your assistance in receiving the fund in your account in your country. I will gladly give you some reasonable percent from the total sum for your assistance. Please it is important you contact me immediately on this email address .
For more clearification on the next step for smooth conclusion.
Awaiting your immediate response and God bless you.
Thanks for your understanding

Yours Sincerely,
Miss. Emanuela Fofana

Haviland: Ooh, what does it mean to "inheritate" something? And how about "clearification"? Is that like Clearasil? Did you inheritate the Clearasil Corporation? And I don't even know what to say about "smooth conclusion"...Riese, perhaps you can help her with that?

Riese: My friend used to drink this tea called "Smooth Move." Just saying. Also, wtf is Cote d'lvoire? It sounds sexy.

It's YOUR Chance to Auto-Win Some! SWEEPSTAKES! :: And Auto-Fun! :: 6-16-2008

Happy Bloomsday, everybody! Yes, today is the day that James Joyce wrote about in his famous book "Ulysses," which I haven't read and probably never will. It's also my brother Lewis Bernard's 24th birthday. In order to best celebrate this momentous occasion as well as the launch of the Auto-Win Book Club, I'm giving you (yes, you! ALL OF YOU!) the chance to win a free copy of the book club's first selection (if you already own it, you can select a substitute prize of auto-gear or the Book Club's second book or a date with Lozo) ... it's super easy, so listen up:

1. Send an email to "Lewnard@gmail.com," with a BCC or CC to automatic_win@yahoo.com. The title of the email must be "Happy Birthday Lewnard."
2. There will be two prizes awarded: one will be selected at random from everyone who completed the mission, probs pulled out of a hat by one of my unpaid interns/personal assistants.
The second will be selected based on overall creativity and genius displayed in your birthday wishes. For example:
- Animated gifs
- Clever wordplay/poetry
- E-greetings of some sort that might make his computer explode
- Anything involving an e-greeting for a different occasion, but tailored for the birthday situation
- Creative photoshopping
- Any photos or other images
- Music
3. If you choose a format which won't allow you to send it to multiple recipients, then just forward it to me.
4. If you don't have time for anything creative, just say Happy Birthday and send it off, you'll still have a shot at love with Tila Tequila and a shot at winning a book/whatevs and contribute to my delight, re: Lewis's inbox today.
5. You have until midnight on June 16th (today) to complete this mission. If you live in Australia, that means you've got 'til 2 P.M. on the 17th. Late submissions are accepted, but not encouraged.
6. Some extraneous information about Lewis: he lives in New Orleans, he is very tall, he is 100% heterosexual, his car uses diesel, he's an engineer, he thinks I'm crazy, and we have very similar senses of humour.

Even if you don't want to win a book, you should do it anyway 'cause I LOL'ed just thinking about it. If you're my 3-D friend, you're pretty much obligated to do this. Too busy you say? So am I!

As for the book club, I've done some research and discovered that Junot Diaz's The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, due to its bestseller status, is usually about the same price as a paperback anyhow, and there are used copies available, the library, etc.

Try allbookstore.com for price comparisons of various online outlets. You've got about 7-10 days to get your hands on this book while I figure out what a Book Club is.

It will involve team meetings, as the book is being read. These will be very exciting and involve strategy development, watch out! Read fast!

The First Auto-Win Book Club Book Is:

Why this selection? It's the only list book I know fo'sho is legit genius (it won the Pulitzer), no one spoke out against it & everyone wants to read it. LK's already started! I'll pick something more specifically special (maybe from the same list) next time.

I'm guessing the "Finish Date" for the book will be mid to late July. I don't know exactly what'll happen in the meantime (team meetings!) but I'll have a few more ways for you to get the book this week.

This contest though is the only one for sure I know I'll do, 'cause I just did it!

I wrote a Sunday Top Ten, read it after you read "Ulysses" and e-mail Lewis.

---

quote"Andy [Warhol] saw the world through different-colored glasses, ones that we will never imagine. He was fortunate but tortured. Torture of his kind seems to plague all great artists because of their vision. They see deeper, they think deeper, and they translate their ideas from the mundane to the realistic. Not that there will ever be anything realistic about Andy's vision. It will never be conceived as mundane or realistic -- only poetic, and visionary, and mind-blowing." (Elizabeth Taylor)

---

links:
1. How to Nap. (@boston.com)
2. Also, you can rent one from enterprise for $25/day. (@lifehacker)
3. The Tonys happened. (@nytimes)
4. If the photos turn you on, just buy a vibrator! (@street carnage)
5. Lit 101 Class in Three Lines Or Less. Great Gatsby: "I love being rich and white." (@mcsweeny's)
6. It's all about the list: How We Read Online. (@slate)
7. Oregon Trail is somehow not included on this list, I don't know why. (@nerve-61fps)
8. NEA finds California tops in artists. Or, "artists."? (@latimes)
9. Rich points out that Tila Tequila "really is the stupidest person to have been given a public platform in some time.." Also, watch the video ... Kathy Griffin's facial expression is priceless. (@fourfour)
10. Poem: Slow Drag Blues, by Kevin Young. (@the new yorker)

Sunday Top Ten: If We Took a Holiday, Took Some Time to Celebrate

Hallo! First off, check out the list of books on the Saturday Auto-Fun and let me know which one you'd like to be the first Auto-Win Book Club selection. I'll make a decision soon and I la-la-love/need your input ... I'm pretty sure that we've reached a consensus, but you never know, look what happened to Al Gore! Hey, speaking of voting, are you going to VOTE? -- WAIT! this just in ... I could've sworn I saw Wao in paperback at a store recently, but all online booksellers seem to suggest it's not coming out in paperback 'til September. In which case, it can't be our book club selection 'cause $24.95 is a lot of money, right? (Or, rather ... $15 on amazon, it'd seem)

Anyhow ... Happy Father's Day! Hm, obviously this isn't my favorite holiday. What IS my favorite holiday, you ask? Do you like ANYTHING, Riese, or are you all rainshowers and spoiled pudding? Yes, I do like things, I am rainy pudding but I'm also sunshine and bunny rabbits. I like Tinkerbell, matzoh ball soup, presents, unicorns, the smell of rain, making out, the next joke, tweezers, wax museums, ipods, books and children in puffy coats. Also; always been a fan of Administrative Assistant's Day.

I don't mean to pull a Lozo and execute an entire post just to complain, but the topic of "holidays I don't like" offers a mine[field] of possibilities. You step inside it, and there's ten smiling children all saying "no" while shaking their heads "yes." There are nine pictures of children who enjoy the company of other children. In the tenth picture, a child is eating pudding underneath a giant red rain-hat and she's ready to go home. The tenth picture is me.

Sunday Top Ten: Hello Holiday. It's me, Tinkerbell. I'm Just Not That Into You.
*
10. Fourth of July

The hot outdoors. Sticky hands. The inevitable consumption of beer, subsequent desire to nap and/or feeling of belly bloated by froth & bubbles & popsicle. Grilling meat into humid air, the clank of cheering bottles, the anticipation of watermelon never matching the pleasure of the fruit itself. Lying in dry grass, near dirt. The assumption that we ought to love America so badly we explode of it. Sometimes I avoid this holiday altogether, and instead write crazy blog entries ...

... but this year, we're celebrating! 'Cause it's Caitlin's favorite holiday and Alex is "really serious" about it. I've actually had some really spectacular July 4ths in my life ... and this year, it'll be the most fun ever. Like independence, which was also fun for the [white male] Americans.

Best July 4th Ever: 2001 -- my diary says; "What's better than the world -- literally -- bursting into sky? Cliches are cliches for a reason." I met up w/Olive Garden friends and we snuck into a private party at a riverside apartment complex to watch the fireworks. I wasn't carded so we drank free beer, ate from big bags of candy and shared candy with children. It rained afterwards and we dashed through it like sparklers.

New Best Fourth of July Ever: 2008! Can't wait!

*
9. Lent

[fumiko shibata]

When I'm like, "I want to eat a cookie" or "I want to get sloshed," and you're like, "OMG, I gave that up 'cause of Jesus and Easter and bunnies," I'll be like, "That is lame, I hate you and your holiday, you're gay." Though I liked it when my friends would give up Nintendo, then we could play Pretend or House instead and I wouldn't be left out.

*
8. Yom Kippur

This is the day of atonement. Though fasting is a thrilling & self-destructive way to pass the day, it's this holiday's persistent habit of falling on my birthday that makes me dislike it. 'Cause I don't want to atone on my birthday, I want to celebrate, I want cake, I was told there'd be cake, you know?

Best Yom Kippur Ever - 1999: Alone at Sarah Lawrence with an unstable body & mind, I managed Yom Kippur. I went to four services that day at the temple synagogue, fasted, slept, sat in the library with books and pencils and then went back to temple. I broke fast alone, and slowly. I felt actually quite connected to my spirituality that day -- to something larger, and to everything wrong inside of me -- and I'd like to get back to that place some day. Where I could be like, "Are you there, G-d, it's me Marieeee?!?!"

Also, I've been known to enjoy a noodle koogle or two. Break-Fast is the best.

*
7. Malcom X's Birthday

I realized I'd been in Planet Harlem for way over a year when I went to 125th to get some coffee and found EVERY SINGLE STORE shuttered for five hours, just like LAST YEAR! -- even the corporate chains closed in "observance" of Malcom X's birthday. If Malcom X were still alive, he'd march right into CVS and get some Aveeno even if he had to get violent, I don't think this was his dream. So it's like a double penalty holiday. Personally, I like to celebrate birthdays of important political leaders by treating myself to a nice cold beverage at Starbucks, but that's just me, keep marching and yelling, wheee!

*
6. Thanksgiving

I don't like meat that's on the bone, let alone the whole honking animal sitting there looking at everyone. Either I eat a lot of potato products or there's not anything I want to eat and then I'm hungry. So as you can see it never ends well, look what happened to the American Indians, I rest my case.

Best Thanksgiving Ever: 1999 - So weird that the holidays of my semester at SLC are far more memorable & brighter than my other SLC days and also brighter than holidays celebrated in other years. We made dinner in Meg's NYU dorm with portobellos instead of turkey and we drank Pepsi One and I read The Iliad and Stephen Dunn and wrote. I transcribed "Essay on the Personal" into my journal next to a postcard of a purple & yellow watercolor painting.

2006 was a good one too, 'cause my brother came all the way from New Orleans with home-made macaroni and cheese as his carry-on.

*
5. Valentine's Day

[artist]

I think we should all buy each other presents every minute we want to, and sweet things for our lover's mouths. The problem with Valentine's Day is that everything is too crowded to make a reservation except way ahead of time, which means you'll need to have been in a relationship for at least a month, and who has that kind of time, you know? JK. It's just a lot of pressure on an arbitrary day of the year, I like things to mean exactly what they mean, no less or more. I feel gross about buying into the corporate hoo-ha. I do it anyway, but that's 'cause I've been brainwashed by The Man.

Best V-Day Ever: 1998 - Ryan pulled out all the stops. At boarding school, this was difficult, but he did, and he did and he did. The first Valentine's Day on which I had a Valentine, even if he was a homosexual.
*
4. Ash Wednesday
'Cause the first four ashed-up people I see make me really confused. On the fifth I say "A-ha!" but those first four were like : "whoa, where's the fire?"
*
3. St. Patrick's Day/Puerto Rican Day (TIE)

I don't like anything where streets are blocked from cars and opened to drunk lusty boys & parades, unless it's the Gay Pride Parade. Hey it's raining outside, someone's raining on my parade! Everybody loves a parade, except me. We used to go to a circus parade every year in Ann Arbor, there was always a big elephant and then little people running around the elephant cleaning up after it. I thought, I'd like to have little people like that, following me around with a bucket of water and a proactive protective spirit.

Best Puerto Rican Day Parade Day Ever: 2008! I saw Gypsy with my Mum and Alexandra and Caitlin while the parade raged on, then afterwards we dined at 44x10 at a table by the window. The atmosphere @44x10 is a lot like Cafeteria, so sometimes I mix up my memories from those places 'cause I've got a handful where I'm with Alex and Caitlin and Alex's hand is on my knee and I'm eating smashed potatoes and around us bright spritely servers with perfect gay hair weave between tables, their slim hips bopping in and out of eye level. The first time I ate there was w/Haviland for Kelli's birthday, and the costume of the day was "Tipping the Velvet," but I hadn't read it yet.

Best St. Patrick's Day Ever: Probs 2002. 'Cause I was with Chris at the fraternity, and I believed in jungle juice (that's what they called the red vat of alcohol and fruit we drank from, it was too dark to see the syphillis in the moonlight) and the pure, green holiday. I sat on the stairwell gossiping with two younger girls I'd befriended (other frat "girlfriends" -- we stuck together), one of whom would eventually be using my drivers license as her fake ID, and I told them all my ugly eager secrets as if they weren't ugly but glossy grasshopper gemstones. In the juice, the pineapples turned red, and then our mouths.

*
1. Father's DayLast year's Father's Day was one of the worst days of my life, but that was just a coincidence. I was gonna do this topic last year actually but then got distracted. I like that on father's day I can say things about fathers without anyone worrying I'm thinking/talking about my father on purpose and therefore must be whining again, or truly upset. I will buy myself a tie or a pie, or maybe tell a lie to the sky, or have a baby and name him "Guy." The thing about Father's Day ... and Valentine's Day ... is that they're basically created to make us spend money at Sears or get a Chili's gift card or something, and so if you can't celebrate it and that makes you upset, you're letting Sears and Chili's win.

I remember me and Lewis on the couch, watching television in our bathrobes while our friends ate creamy breakfast foods with their stalwart fathers. We weren't the only kids on our couches, I'm sure. I didn't know that then though. Now I do.

Also, 'cause my parents apparently enjoy conceiving nine months prior to unhappy holidays, Lewis's birthday often falls on Father's Day. Not this year! Lewis's birthday is tomorrow! What are you gonna get him? I haven't decided yet personally, but probs an orange or a squeaky dog toy.

That's one of the things I heart about NYC; on any given holiday, there's at least a bazillion other people not celebrating. In other towns if you're not doing Christmas or St.Patty's, you're well aware that everyone else is. Skipping Independence Day or sans Valentine? You're never alone in New York! And we're all far away from our families -- logistically, tangibly. Or not at all, for some people. la-di-da!

*
Just FYI, these are my favorite holidays (in random order):

10. Pride: good costumes, many gays, ppl feeling not alone and loathed in the world, lots of big gay parties.
9. Passover: Matzoh ball soup. Egg whites in saltwater. Honey Cake w/matzah meal. Macaroons. Passover Marshmallows. Atkins Diet.
8. Christmas: The spirit and everything. the ritual.
7. Columbus Day: ''cause that was always exactly when you needed a day off from school, not 'cause I like Columbus, obvs.
6. Halloween : I do not know who I am, but I know who I can wear.
5. Hannukah: Latkes, hot crackling oil, presents.
4. Take Your Daughter to Work Day: I love GapKids
3. Election Day!: Vote or DIE
2. Martin Luther King Day : liked going to the gym and singing "we shall overcome" with the whole school holding hands.
1. Rex Manning Day:
We mustn't dwell... no, not today.
We CAN'T.

Not on Rex Manning day!

Saturday Auto-Fun :: 6-14-2008

So, re: Book Club. Ideally, I can find a book most of us haven't already read ... e.g., books that've just come out in paperback. Even better: a novel by a contemporary living writer who I could possibly interview. Obvs I'd have to pitch the interview as if I was not ME but someone cooler, like Deborah Soloman, Oprah, The Chart, Larry King or Lozo.

Another thing ... any books w/blurbs including the following words/phrases are auto-disqualified: Victorian England, Southeast Asia, provincial, Grandmother, Grandfather, dog, cat, bachelor, holocaust, war, widower, the history of bottled water, fish, culinary, Wales, Iraq, family history, lifelong bond between sisters, motherhood, knitting, Afghan, tapestry, villagers.

Here's some ideas, please give me your feelings on them:

No Man's Land: A Memoir, Ruth Fowler
The Emperor's Children, Claire Messud
Live Through This: On Creativity and Self-Destruction Edited by Sabrina Chapadjiev, featuring stories, essays, artwork and photography from authors including Nan Goldin, Eileen Myles, bell hooks, Annie Sprinkle, Daphne Gottlieb, Cristy C. Road, Particia Smith, etc.
Girl Walking Backwards, by Bett Williams. (Not new, but I don't know anyone who's read it besides my agent)
I Was Told There'd be Cake, Sloan Crosley
Candy Everybody Wants, Josh Kilmer-Purcell
While They Slept, Kathryn Harrison
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Junot Diaz
My Mistress's Sparrow is Dead: Great Love Stories, from Chekhov to Munro (includes stories from Miranda July, Lorrie Moore, Faulkner, Joyce), edited by by Jeffery Eugenides
Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher

I'll probs take a month to read whatever we pick and I want us to experience the book together, as if we were The Sims, sitting on the couch and watching television as a family while Billy Bob runs into the house plant and Anastasia talks about sailboats and practices her social skills in the bathroom mirror.

The thing is -- and most of you don't know this -- I actually did a report on Oprah in 5th grade. The project required a class presentation, I dressed up as The Winf and related my experiences growing up in the Chi-town ghetto and getting plastic surgery to fix my African nose. I wore leggings, a turtleneck, and an ambitious black-and-white checked blazer. So, you know. There's that.

---

quote: "Yes, we were stupid for disrespecting the limits placed before us; for trying to go everywhere and know everything. Stupid, spoiled, and arrogant. But we were right, too. I was wright. How could i do otherwise when the violence of the unsaid things became so great that it kept me awake at night? ... All the meat of truth was hidden under a dry surface, and so we tore off the surface with a shout. We wanted to have everything revealed and made articulate, everything, even our greatest embarrassments and fears." (Mary Gaitskill, Veronica)

---

links:
1. Lozo hadn't even gotten to him yet. (@the stranger)
2. I will take this job if no one else wants it, no probs.
3. Probs a lot of "how to become a millionaire fast" books purchased by people who just got fired. (@publisher's weekly)
4. Really, I just can't get enough. Really, I can't. (@gawker)
5. Via Alex, another cool Mac thing I probs can't figure out how to download. (@lifehacker)
6. Oh, holla. (@tango magazine) (via dirty girls)
7. Right On, Right On. (@emily magazine.)
8. Crazy is the new Gay. (@the advocate)
9. 50 worst sex scenes ever does not include tina-henry copulation. (@nerve.com)
10. "I'd always been a night owl, but for years I'd longed to defect to the other side. In my fantasies, I was a Fortune 500-type who threw off the covers at 5 and engineered a hostile takeover by 7. Instead, I generally stayed up until 1:30 in the morning, reading magazines or clicking aimlessly through Wikipedia, waking up grumpy and remorseful at 9:30, if not later. Over the years I'd tried all the usual tactics—multiple alarms, earlier bedtimes, lab-rat levels of caffeine—and nothing had worked." Can a Night Owl Become a Morning Person? (@slate.com)
11. Bonaroo! (Tegan and Sara!) (@nytimes)
12. Women are aroused by everything except dudes. (@nymag)
13. The teen idol is dead, tila tequila and heidi morgan are unfortunately very much alive. (@the fug girls)
14. Revenge of the nerdettes. (@newsweek)
15. We can dream. But then maybe animals will get married. "The rights and privileges restricted to family, they argue, should be given to friends."(@boston.com)
16. Deborah solomon's questions for gore vidal. (@ny times)
17. Haviland and I should take on this format. (@jezebel)

Stuff I've Been Reading: April & May Edition

I'm 26. It's possible I have a few vital organs that've been less-than-impressed with me for at least eight years, I regularly step into busy intersections without regard for traffic's deadly possibilities, I haven't been to the doctor in two years, my teeth are probs rotting out of my skull, and I live in a neighborhood where two people getting shot is a brief aside tossed at the end of an article about a dude opening fire on a crowd and shooting 8 people on Memorial Day 'cause someone took his basketball. I don't remember the last time I ate a piece of fruit.

I work out every day, but that's only because I'm neurotic and anxiety-ridden and 'cause if I didn't, I'd officially never leave my apartment for days at a time. I wouldn't even know what the weather was like.

So, I figure I've got about 10-15 good years left. If you think about it, that's not really a lot of time to read every book I want to read. At this pace, I'll be 40 before I embark on the most recent round of recommendations, including:

This Book Will Save Your Life (AM Homes)
Crime & Punishment (Somethingosky or Soemehingoskyov)
Shantaram (Gregory David Roberts)
Savage Detectives (Roberto Bolando)
Orlando (Virginia Woolf)
The Yellow Wallpaper (Charlotte Perkins Gilman)
The Night Watch (Sarah Waters)
The Broom of the System (David Foster Wallace)
Class Dismissed (Meredith Marin)
Fingersmith (Sarah Waters)
Norweigian Wood (Marukami)
Electroboy (Andy Behrman)
The Sound and the Fury (William Faulkner)

Is that everything you guys have told me to read? I think so. What if I gave a really bogus recommendation but acted like it was real? If I was like, "You guys, everyone needs to read Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants RIGHT NOW," or like, "Have you ever read Jurassic Park?" We had a convo about Jurassic Park last week actually. Raise your hand if you'd never heard of veloca-raptor-whatevs until you saw the movie/read the book, now raise your other hand if they seemed very real and you used to have nightmares about raptor attacks. Now lower your hands, and gimme a hug. That's right! Hug it out. Model through it. You WORK.

Also; still haven't finished Don Quijote.

---

Welcome to "Stuff I've Been Reading." Inspired by Nick Hornby's "Believer" column by the same name, "Stuff I've Been Reading" examines the wide terrible gulf between what I'm buying, what I'm reading, and how smart I'm becoming.

BOOKS READ:
The Best American Essays of 2007 , edited by David Foster Wallace
Frantic Transmissions to and From Los Angeles, by Kate Braverman
Have You No Shame? , by Rachel Shukert
Drown, by Junot Diaz

BOOKS BOUGHT/RECEIVED:
The Savage Detectives, by Roberto Bolano
Final Cut Express 4: A Visual Quickstart Guide, by Lisa Brenneis
Have You No Shame? by Rachel Shukert

BAE '07 was given and suggested to me by someone I'm now prohibited to talk about on my blog, so I'll just say that "someone" lent me this book, "someone" took it back, and now I can't reference it or my plethora of underlined passages. What can I say, clearly if I remembered things I've read, I wouldn't feel the need to cart 200 books with me every time I move. I recall! The introduction was golden. David F-W is a superior introduction writer.

First off; The Dog Whisperer. I'm not a fan of animals, but Malcom Gladwell's essay about the Dog Whisperer was pretty engaging ("What the Dog Saw")-- this master-of-movement stuff. How do I get him to come fix Caitlin's dog? It's his birthday today and he bites people. Do we have to move to L.A. to get the Dog Whisperer's help? Anyone know the Dog Whisperer? Tell me.

Due to my "must read everything in an anthology" rule, I was subjected to several unpleasant experiences in this anthology. All BAEs and Best American Non-Required Readings have the same problem; by the time the book hits the shelves, I already know that the U.S. uses torture unethically and that we shouldn't be at war with Iraq. I'm totally over reading anything else on either of these topics, unless the headline is "We Are Getting out of Iraq today." It's just depressing, and old news. Yet I soldiered on. (Get it? "Soldiered on?")

I was reading this book during some of April's cruelest days, and so my attention was erratic. There's entire essays I don't remember reading, though I know I did. I remember most acutely: a study of stage fright called "Petrified" (John Lahr), "Afternoon of the Sex Children" (Mark Greif) from n+1 and "Shakers" by Daniel Orozco, which was about something I don't remember, it was well-written though. Oh yes! Earthquakes. I think. Sigh.

---

I read Frantic Transmissions to and from Los Angeles on my way to and from Los Angeles way back in April, which's poetic, yes? The subtitle, "An Accidential Memoir," drew me to it, as did Kate Braverman's oft anthologized short story "Tall Tales from the Meekong Delta." The book was like a long prose-poem about ice cream and streets that got dirty and women growing up and out and the history of a place that seemed all veneer the first time I went there. I like urban history; until I feel that a city has roots in something, it's easy for me to feel it's just all gloss. It probs subtly affected my impression of the city this time around.

Although I didn't think I would -- I really loved this part: Interview with Marilyn Monroe. If you've ever been intrigued by the dichotomy of image and reality, you'd enjoy it too.

---

At a nerve.com party in December of '05 (which I barely remember, except for the part where, inspired by the sexual avant garde spirit of the party's host publication, I left with a boy I'd just met 'cause he looked good on paper (Ivy League alum, an artist, rent-controlled West Village apartment, friends w/a nerve editor) and good enough in person, at least that night), I met Rachel Shukert. I was thrilled, 'cause I loved her essays muchly.

In a state of disorderly drunken-ness, the following exchange occurred:

Me: "I really love your work."
Rachel: "Thanks!"
Me: "No, I mean, I REALLY love it, you're one of my top ten heroes. You know what I really liked, that essay where you said, [I go on to misquote a section from this essay about how the author's pissed and confused that her boyfriend's not okay about her kissing other girls]."
Rachel; "That wasn't me. I didn't write that essay."
Me: "Yes, it was, I'm sure it was."
Rachel: "No, it wasn't, I'm sure it wasn't."
Me: "It was you."
Rachel [laughing, backing away]: "No, it wasn't me."
Me: "Are you SURE?"
Rachel: "Yes, I'm sure, I didn't write that."
Me [turning away, muttering]: "I think you did."

Humans generally make those mistakes when they don't recognize their conversation partner; but I did know Rachel's work. Her personal essays reminded me of -- well, mine! -- and I'd wanted to make a real connection to express my genuine love. However, like most situations in which I attempt to communicate love, I screwed up big-time.

In retrospect ... I know why I thought she'd written that essay -- she hadn't. It's cause at the time, Rachel's bio photo on nerve (which's changed now, to something more professional and new-book-writer-worthy) and Carrie Hill Wilner's (the actual author of this essay) both featured girls with long brown hair who looked kinda drunk and maybe Jewish. I have this weird photographic "memory" that lumps images together thematically and confuses me. Howevs, it's possible I'm wrong about this too (their previous author photos), my memory clearly isn't stellar, that's why I keep such fastidious records.

I loved reading Shukert's recent excerpt from the book -- "The Anorexic's Cookbook" -- on nerve and so did Haviland ... and so I bought the book. I ate it real fast. It was fun and light and funny but also sad sometimes and poignant and you should read it. In fact, I'd recommend it for the apparently imperative "beach reads" list so many people are making these days. It got me through a one-hour wait for a prescription at CVS and also affirmed many of my opinions about my overall unemployability. I quoted a large section about temping to Natalie, and even LOL'ed a few times.

Shukert deftly mines a (relatively) unremarkable life for gems of comedy and tragedy -- moments of explosive tenderness and LOLity -- displaying brightly how entirely possible it is to write a solid book without making shit up about being in a cult a gang or spending time in jail after a dangerous bout of drug addiction. Her parents actually seem kinda nice. So, James Frey and all ye like him -- write this down: you don't need to sensationalize. Have you no shame?

RKB's recently done an interview w/Shukert: watch it here and here.

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Junot Diaz - "Drown." Beautiful. "The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao" won every award possible this year, "Drown" was shorter, so I picked it up. I've enjoyed Diaz's stories in The New Yorker on more than one occasion, even though I thought I was maxed out on Latino-American lit after taking an entire course on it and o.d.'ing on Cisernos in high school. Clearly I prefer reading novels and stories about suburban housewives with dark secrets or young girls in big cities with lots of opinions and sexual deviance. To really expand my horizons.

In fact, Drown's compact size means I've carried this book all over the country, but hadn't started it 'til (obvs) recently, 'cause I thought: 'it is time.' There were a lot of characters named "Papi," which's always good. His sense of place is thorough and vibrant, his sentences precise and perfect. If you haven't read his work, then you are stupid and should be drowned in the local swimming pool. It will be a hate crime, but you will deserve it. Read!

I just heard a gigantic explosion, what happened? Maybe it's Al Queda.

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Thoughts on my Inability to Read as Much as I Should:

I keep thinking I must be missing something on this list; surely that's not the sum of my accomplishments? It is. It certainly is. When left to my own devices, I'm sometimes not such a good reader, and I don't really know what to do about that. I mean -- I feel extra-motivated to start a book when someone near & dear to me forces it upon me, but when people who are far-away & dear, or near & not-incredibly-dear force books upon me, I take my sweet time. Unfortunately that time is running out, so omg, what am I gonna do, someone hit me over the head with a book right now.

I feel guilty as I believe it's my personal life mission to revive the art of reading, which's dying. How do Bookslut and RKB and Sam Anderson find time to read all the books they write about? [Someone] told me that speed-reading is about recognizing words as symbols rather than a series of letters. I've been trying to do that but then I realize I've just "read" four pages and don't remember a thing.

A few other ideas:

Situations that force me to read faster/at all:
-Reading contests (e.g., Tipping the Velvet contest w/Alex)
-Someone I'm trying to impress asks me to read something specific
-A new book by one of my favorite authors
-Beach vacations
-Airplanes
-The subway/train
-Desperate for writing inspiration, facing "the block"
-Waiting rooms
-School
-Eating a lot in the kitchen instead of in my room, usually a result of critter-related paranoia, requiring a book as I must be entertained at all times.
-Stability w/employment and overall position in life, subsequently enabling relaxation and concentration
-I claim to have read something I have in fact read, but it was a long time ago, and so if I'm gonna keep up with this new present-tense conversation, I'll need to play catch-up fast
-A book totally grabbing me -- or a new writer totally grabbing me

Situations that make me not read something I've been told to read:
-A suggestion being contradicted by a counter-suggestion --
Caitlin: "Don't read This Book Will Save Your Life, it's not that good, but if you want to read it, I own it."
Adam: "I would only read The Savage Detectives if you're willing to give a couple of days/a week to it and just do it all in one big rush. The form is just too confusing/convoluted otherwise. I mean...he pulls it off...he really does have a cast of like 25 characters all of whom have distinct voices and can narrate and contribute...but gah... also, I'll prepare you now, after 150 pages of making you like your rather unlikable friend and narrator he's going to take him away and not give him back for another 300 pages."
Haviland: "I could never really get into Night Watch, I don't think I finished it."

Auto-Win Book Club?

Perhaps I should start an Auto-win Book Club to force everyone to read a book with me, like we're all having reading contest. I know fo'sho that Caitlin and Alex would participate, but that's sort of a My Friends Book Club. The thing is it'd have to be a new book so that no one would've already read it, but it'd also have to be a paperback 'cause I'm not going to make y'all go get hardcovers. Perhaps we'd have to choose a new book in trade paperback. I'll think about this and amend this section. Then if you wanna buy it, you'll click through from here and for every book you buy, I'll make .005% of a cent, and when I save up enough I'll buy a dolphin and we can all go swimming.

Suggestions? FYI; no chick lit, nothing about people dressed in period costumes, no Native Americans or really any stories involving native peoples/tribes especially if it's about the clash of the white man and the natives, no pre-electricity lit, no "Bright Shiny Mornings" of any kind, no spiritual quests in Southeast Asia, nothing by a guy who beat up his wife, no memoirs by television actors and nothing over 500 pages. I'll probs be amending this list too.

Also I have another question; is it strange that while you have a visitor from out of town, it's rude to just sit and read in front of them, but it's okay to watch television together? I understand why this is, but I don't like it.

Pardon Me, But Wasn't that your VLOG? That I Felt On the Bed In Between the Sheets?

The thing is; I have an air conditioner in my room. But what happens when I leave my room? How long can I survive on only crackers? It's totally "Do the Right Thing" around here, and "around here" extends to both my kitchen and my neighborhood. Anyhow, some of you live in other countries and aren't experiencing what we're experiencing. Want an experience we can all experience together, like a family? Well, I've got one. It's called "a vlog," and if you've got broadband internet access, we can share this moment together, 'cause caring is sharing.

Haviland's coming to visit super-soon, I can't wait! But in the meantime in between time, Carlytron has valiantly stepped up and vlogged her little ass off with her roommate Matthew and her lesbian dog Saffron. Topics include: flying lesbians. Also, Cesar was there but he wouldn't participate and therefore he was punished.

A;ex just told me it's hard to hear in some parts and that she'd probs have to listen to it 7-8 times. Which's fine, that ups the views. I-movie won't let me make the music quieter than 7%, which is actually apparently a lot. What you're going to have to do is listen up. Like in gym class, when the teacher was like: "listen up."

I got nostalgic for Final Cut (which I didn't use, 'cause I film vlogs on imovie, so that seemed counterproductive) while editing this today. I feel like that's a good sign. It's a sign that one day, I'll learn how to use Final Cut. As Adele would say: "cut, print ..."

Auto-Fun of the Day :: 6-9-2008

Mom's going back to the midwest tonight, and then ... well. No. I'm remembering now a conversation from my prolific past of advice-giving (I'll bring this back around, I promise) with a friend who was having troubles with her significant other. "It's just really hard right now," she said. "We're both totally stressed out and overbooked and busy working [insert ridiculous amount] of hours, not sleeping, and with [insert additional health or job/apartment/family-related difficulty], we're just both on edge --" And I was like "But you've been saying that for years. It's always like that. You're going to have to stop waiting for things to go back to 'normal' to get better, because I think stressed out and overbooked is your 'normal.' This is where you're going to have to be working from when you're trying to make it work." Anyhow, I think they screamed at each other for another year or so before breaking up, I don't remember -- the point is: I was about to say, "and then I'll get back to a normal blogging schedule," but clearly there's actually no such thing. Also I don't now what happened to me that I started using "blog" as a verb, and like ... often. But next Sunday would be a primo opp for a Sunday Top Ten, and Stuff I've Been Reading is happening, and so is more advice columns (have you read our first one?!), and the Carly Vlog! OMG! What am I talking? I gotta get crackin'. Auto-fun is good for me though, it makes me read and stay aware of the webbernets world.

Oh um : askautowin@yahoo.com. Send us your questions. I know you have them, as well as feelings., 'cause if you didn't, you'd be Old Macdonald E-I-E-I-O. Today I found out that even though my Mom has a degree in Hamburgerology, she never finished McHamburger School for reals 'cause she got preggers w/me which makes me feel a bit guilty. I dashed her dreams and it would've been really fun on Take Your Daughter to Work Day if I could've had all those french fries. No worries, everything's coming up roses! I'm gonna be a writer, like Ann M. Martin.

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quote:"No I can't write for you because I have promised myself I wouldn't take on any new writing deadlines for a year because I'm working on a self-assigned project and I don't want to continually be distracted from it. I am of course continually distracted from it enough as it is, it seems like I work on it less than everything else, in fact, very admittedly just-in-time if you will. The pieces I'm making continue the theme of "structures that fit my opening," a phrase that speaks quite directly to the question of necessary, of forms that fill entryways, needs, desires, etc. ... Maurizio Cattelan was once quoted as saying: 'If I didn't have any shows, and there wasn't any interest, I wouldn't do anything." Right now I don't want to write anything now, and yes, I sort of have, but this doesn't count, or does it?" (From "DEAR X" by Frances)

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links:
1)Peach Arse has got your book all ready: "You're Not the Only One - Charity Book for Warchild: "Ok, so it took three months, but rest assured it is three months of BRILLIANCE, of EXCELLENCE, of carefully chosen GORGEOUS bits of writing, of lovingly tendered editing and proofing, of gently nurtured and carefully catered for tastes and styles and with over ONE HUNDRED BLOGGERS' ENTRIES - woo hoooooooo!" (@peach)
2) Sad Doesn't Have to Mean Hungry: Elif Bautman is commissioned to dig up what all the sad young literary men eat to help her friend Carey, who's writing this article on the topic of Keith Gessen's chosen feedings from his novel All The Sad Young Literary Men. "Rice and Beans for Grad Students" has an answer. (@steam thing) (@muskegee phoneix)
3) How to organize or get rid of your book collection. (@the washington post)
4) A Grrl and Her Gun : On Valerie Solanis, author of the SCUM Manifesto, who shot Andy Warhol in 1968 -- ", her work has the rare virtue of seeming at the same time totally insane and totally right." (@the la tiimes)
5) Everyone has to go out and buy The New Yorker if they want to read the latest offering from my favorite author Mary Gaitskill. Here's the abstract. (@the new yorker)
6) It's summer! Time to buy shorts! SHORTS! The word "shorts" sounds like a quick and swiftly applied physical punishment. "Watch out or I'll short you!" etc. (@nymag)
7) Lesbian and Bisexual Women in Reality TV 2008. "For the first time ever, this week there are at least a dozen lesbian/bi women in prime tine TV reality shows. With the exception of Jackie Warner, all of the women on all of these shows appear to be drunk, almost drunk, wishing they were drunk, or pursuing a career in "promotions" or "theme bar waitressing." No judging, I've got no career and no likker. Just saying. I don't want our people to be just as retarded as their people. Is this democracy? (@afterellen)
8) Salon suggests summer reading, this week's category is memoir. (@salon.com)
9) I mentioned the butterfly effect on Friday. Now someone's written an article about "why pop culture loves the butterfly effect, and gets it totally wrong." : The Meaning of the Butterfly (@boston.com)
10) David Sedaris might occasionally exaggerate the truth for dramatic effect. Doesn't everyone? Since when have memoirists been held to higher standards than even our friends & family? Anyhow, he's funny: What You Read is What He is, Sort Of. (@nytimes)