Automatic Lose, OR: "How About Ohio?"

My life and this blog have a very clean-cut relationship:

x+2x=y

x=the quality and rockstar-factor of my actual life
y=the quality and rockstar-factor of Automatic Win's life

This equation ensures that I appear 100 times cooler than I am. I think. I haven't taken math since like, before the internet was invented.

Let's look at the numbers:
-I've been going crazy/writing an article for [redacted very well-paying] Magazine for 5 weeks--it's just been killed. No "launch-pad," no "income [aside from kill fee]."
-I've got 18 days remaining in this apartment. Aforementioned sublet: fell through, obvs.
-I'm totes hands-down under-employed [by design, but still.]
-I've gotta re-work my book before I can sell it.
-I've got a weird feeling I'll forget to do my taxes.
-However, I don't live in Darfur. That's something.
-Which doesn't make me feel much better.
-So now I just feel like an ungrateful asshole. Still reading?


Those unlucky few who've had the pleasure to speak to me on the phone this morning have suggested I think of this as a great opportunity to "start all over." Hm. "Start all over." I've started brainstorming:

Move to a Square-Shaped State, Purchase Panty-Hose and "Pumps."
This might be super-educational. Like: what's a hedge fund? What's insurance? What's "investing"? What are "tax professionals"? What is "human resources"? These are all questions I cannot answer. But if I worked for a "distribution" or "sales" company or something? Then I'd be knee-deep in the salt of the earth, etc. Also, hello tinted stockings, goodbye TANNING!

Bender.
I've never done heroin; does it look better in the movies? I should do laundry so I can have appropriate bender clothes; like something hot-hot-hot and devastating. All like "Look at me, I am so tortured on my mattress, I am writhing, I am hot and writhing!" Currently: wearing Abercrombie sweatpants from 1999, eyeliner-smeared wifebeater. More devastating-dorm-style than devastating-Little-Girl-Lost-style.

Renouncing Material Possessions, Living on Street, Eating Macaroni con Queso
Which might make me a spoiled girl who's used to a standard of living she takes for granted when she should realize there are plenty of people out there with bigger problems than no apartment, no job, and a month spent on an article that just got killed. Seriously, though, this article has not only BEEN killed, but it's killed me. [I'm moaning about this on my mac-book.]

Getting Million-Dollar Abs for a Buck
Seriously, I'm watching this thing on TV RIGHT NOW. What if my ABS were worth a million dollars?!! I just need to order this chair. Then my abs'll earn money in my sleep.

Go Back to School
According to Careerbuilder.com, the best fields for the Class of 2007 include such tempting careers as "Auditor," "Registered Nurses" and "Computer Software Applications Engineers." I think what I really need is an M.F.A! Then I'll be a REALLY good writer, which will make me 0% more employable.

Peace Corps
I wonder if I could get to Guatemala before May 1st? It'd suck to go through the trouble of finding a new apartment just to move to a shack in South America.

Go Live with My Mom
Dial-Up problem aside--there's something about surburban Detroit that makes me slightly suicidal. However, there'd be free food and no rent. Until I drove my Mom completely crazy. Approx. 10 days?

Watching Americas Next Top Model marathon, crying softly to self, writing embarrassingly self-pitying blog entry
Oh wait. That's what I'm already doing.