Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sunday Top 10: Miss Hip and Fit New York 2007

i. exhibit a:

When this masterpiece of graphic design arrived in my inbox, I LOLed till I actually exploded and died: the pseudo-firestarter shadow girls, the edginess photoshopped into Hav's typically guileless appearance, the language of the contest itself, the endgame-aesthetics. I mean: !!!! Look at that thing! That's the most amazing invitation to anything, ever.

Obvs Hav is fit. She climbs the barricades to sing the song of every men because is the music of the people who will not be slaves again, which is much harder on one's back than the Stairmaster. She's likely the fittest broad on Broadway. Secretly she's not that hip because she won't let me get skinny jeans. She says it's for my own benefit, but I wanna be cool too, like the kats in W'burg, where I no longer live, because I'm old now, and prefer to eat ice cream with my girlfriend in an uptown villa. [villa=teeny tiny apartment]

Re: Hip....well, speaking of neighborhoods, Hav's is not hip. Like Lower Midtown or something? Things you can't buy in Hav's hood past 11 p.m include: a vodka-tonic, a cappucino, groceries, a book. [Really anything but McDonalds and Adult DVDs] But the locale's perfect for her super-hip actressing job. Hav herself is quite hip, but; this being NYC and all....on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give her a "5" which means "not exactly Dash Snow, but not your Mom, either."

Regardless, she's hipper and fitter than all those other bitches, whoever they are.


ii. SUNDAY TOP TEN: TOP TEN REASONS HAVILAND STILLWELL REALLY OUGHTA WIN THIS CRAZY-ASS CONTEST.

10. From Karen, our Nyack sweetheart:
(that's Hav, Karen and Christine, in Nyack: respite from the MTA)

HAVILAND STILLWELL THE HIPPEST AND FITTEST LESBIAN becuz she IS
HAVILAND STILLWELL THE HIPPEST AND FITTEST LESBIAN becuz she surrounds
herself with the hottest lesbians in the world
HAVILAND STILLWELL THE HIPPEST AND FITTEST LESBIAN becuz she is
friends with the hottest lesbians in the world
HAVILAND STILLWELL THE HIPPEST AND FITTEST LESBIAN becuz she she can
melt a glacier with one look with her emerald eyes with one glance from
emerald eyes thru mink eyelashes
HAVILAND STILLWELL THE HIPPEST AND FITTEST LESBIAN becuz she fits into
any crowd and makes smiles
THIS coming from an UNhip and UNfit old dyke


9. I'd Like To Feed Every Single Hungry Child EVER.
Directly after being crowned Miss Girl Nation, Hav descended into the crowd of her admirers and noted: "I wish they would've given me a mike. I woulda been like: world peace."


8. Hav's high school buddies are still keeping score:
"I was cleaning out my parents basement this past week and found some great pictures of me and her at Disney World when we were pre-teens. I'd show you but they would incriminate me too ... Let's just say that it shows how far she has come!" (Christine)

"I knew Haviland in High School, and even then, she was the hippest girl in school, never one to compromise herself for others. I hope she wins!!" (Rachel)

(True dat, Rachel. I was like "Haviland, just get me some crack rock from the corner," and she was like "No, Riese, I will not compromise myself for others." I was so pissed! Also, though, totes impressed. So I got my own crack, and then she wouldn't smoke it with me, and I was like "compromise THIS, bitch!" and lit her hair on fire, took a photo of it, and tripled it on photoshop and transformed it into a bizarre promotional postcard. That's why it looks "cracked out.")


7. Haviland's girlfriend Heather preaches to the hip-n-fit choir:
"HAVILAND STILLWELL THE HIPPEST AND FITTEST LESBIAN IN NEW YORK CITY (AND POSSIBLY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?!!) .... because .....

well, i speak for the majority of men and women across the seven continents when i say that HPS is CLEARLY hotter than the gates of hell ... end of story ...

BUT .... more importantly -- if you wanna discuss an AUTOMATIC WIN for this hip and fit hottie, the contest should obvs be re-named "THE HIPPEST AND FITTEST AND MOST EDUCATED, POLITICALLY AWARE, AND RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED LESBIAN IN NYC".

I obviously don't need to say more. We all know. Yah. We know."


6. She Don't Need the Drink to Rock the Dance Floor
Haviland Stillwell: always the only sober woman in the room. Sometimes I wonder: what's it like to be Haviland--to be clear-eyed and bushy-tailed while the rest of us stumble aimlessly, groping for icy drinks between icy bodies, stepping on feet, shooting dashing side-smiles?

Then I drink more.

tb: "Are you one of those girls that only dances when she's drunk?"
[long pause]
me: "Um ... really?"
tb: "Are you?"
me: "I mean, do you mean that proverbially? Because like...yeah. Totes. I seriously only dance when I'm drunk. Or alone. In my room. Or in the shower. I dance alone probably like, 2 hours a day. But in public: only when drunk."


That being said, rumor has it that sober dancers have superior coordination talents. This'll work to her advantage.


5. Angels Would Fall
A former admirer of Pekor [who prefers to remain anonymous] has lent us a few lines of verse, penned in Hav's honor, for the purposes of this Top Ten:

The silence of the morning lingers and with it brings only thoughts of you...In my solitude your spirit comes to me... in shades of crystal your body glistens in my mind and my fingers caress gently the fragile pieces of your flesh...

TOTES! Hav's body always glistens in my mind too. I'm like "Stop glistening, you fragile fleshy body! STOP IT!" Hurts my eyes.


4. I Know Where She Lives.
Speaking of Haviland's minions, she's got quite a few on The L Word Online. It's OK, 'cause I've always been best friends with the prettiest girl in school, so I don't mind fielding comments and requests [e.g., "Will your best friend go out with me? Circle one: YES/NO"] from my best friend's admirers/stalkers. Apparently, the pretty-girl friendship's a predicator of future lesbionic activity. Anyhow, two of the best:

u guys are hilarious in those pics. love them. makes me feel like i'm there.(however, as i said in my other comment, haviland and i would be missing from this pic, cause i have her in another room room in a horizontal position, and creating our own sexy lesbian momnet.-if i were single of course.)
-kristen

k first of all, Haviland is hott.
for many reasons. the most important being that her love for Helena evenly matches mine. and wait, she started the GSA??? i have this great idea where Havi runs for president and i'm her "political advisor" hint hint nudge nudge k ill stop now...and umm... there is no 'second' part to this. sorry. haha.
-alexandria



3. Like, Seriously? Hip n' Fit? Why Those Adjectives, Exactly? Really Papi?
Because she might be the only contestant who rocks the irony. I mean, she's totes doing Lucky Star, you know?


2. For They Know Not What They Do
Because even though the doors open to this event in 12 minutes and I'm still wearing leggings and argyle socks while my girlfriend downloads the entire Ancient canon onto her Sony Ebook Reader, Haviland will still love me. As she does every time I am significantly/tragically late. It's part of my charm. Right?

1. Because she like: IS. Obvs.

6 comments:

natalie said...

I wish I could be there in support of this fantastic occasion! Haviland, if you don't win, there is something seriously wrong with the city of new york. You are a star--a beautiful, intelligent, sassy powerhouse!
Damnit! You are obviously mz. hip and fit new york 2007! no contest!

blox-tox said...

wow! you go haviland!! all the best in the contest and hope you win!!!
pretty much all i want to say is already stated by natalie.. so yeah..
woo-hoo!! i'm chearin for ya... all the way from australia!!

*blox-tox

nyradical said...

Hav is the hippest and fittest. That is all.

LN James said...

Oh how I love me some Haviland! Please tell her that I think her hair looks pretty and she should totes win!

riese said...

DUDE. SHE WAS TOTES ROBBED.

Second place though. second is the new first.

nyradical said...

This is true. Hav, like me/I, was robbed. Sitting in Karma now. Mo Pitkin's's dead; you'd think the hipster Ritalin readers also do Adderall or something. Poor man's coke, etc. Stay up all night to be as hipstery as possible. But no, alas. So yeah. And, obvs love you, etc. Obvs Hav's the hippest/fittest of this random "nation."

P.S. Why's Rosie leaving The View? She's the only non-weirdo with sound views on The View. I'm crying just kidding. Be @ "interesting" enough "home" soon.