Monday, June 12, 2006

First Sunday Top Ten: It Would Surely Be that Sunday, The Day I Met You

My number-one prophet Angela Chase once said: "There's something about Sunday nights that makes you want to kill yourself." True 'dat.

So...since all my suicide-angst was used up on Kurt Cobain and the hot blonde girls in The Virgin Suicides, I'm gonna like, save some serious lives here with the weekly top ten on Sunday nights! Like Casey Caseum, but I'm cuter than him (usually). Normally I'd watch HBO on Sunday nights, but our Renter, who's clearly a Player-Hater, won't tell us how to find the previous tenants, wherever they're hiding (probably in a jungle, cave, rathole, India, Olive Garden, Duane Reade, etc.) to make them pay Time Warner whatever they owe so we can get some goddamn cable hooked up and never have to work again!

For more tips on what the social elite (e.g., me, my friends, Lindsay Lohan) are doing, please check out Haviland's Pluggin' myspace blog.


TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME WANNA SHOOP THIS WEEK

10.TASTI-D SEASON
It's totally Tasti-D season, y'all! If you wanna get skinny really fast for swimming-suit-season, start shoving your holes with Tasti-D ASAP. Combined with ciggs and lots of Diet Coke, you can lose 10 pounds in 10 days! If you feel like you're about to die, close your eyes and think about Ally McBeal.

(Sub topic: When I see a dude eating Tasti-d out of a little blue cup with a little pink plastic spoon, I do not wanna be his lover. Um, ew. Get a protein shake or a sugar cone or somethin, Jesus.)
(Sub-sub-topic: Both men and women should get Tasti-d on cones and then lick it. It's HOT.)

9. CHELAINISM
Lainy: I'm like, the next Buddha.
Me: I'm in. I'm totally a Chelainist.

8. JANE DOES RIGHT FOR THE NEW POMOSEXUAL TEEN
I was feelin' dubious about Jane's sex issue, but after suffering through the retro-patriarchal-grossness of Cosmo at the mani-pedi place, I gotta totally give props to Jane. On an entire page of sex tips, they bust out with "your partner" and "your lover" and even a "he or she" (which is the only time they use gender-specific pronouns at all)! I feel your finger on the pulse of our politically progressive generation, Ms. Holley!

7. TASTI GUM
Trident Splash Gum, Strawberry-Kiwi Flavor.

6. JAW PROBLEMS
TMJ. That's what you get for chewing too much gum. But it's HOT. click, click.


5. PRIDE IS IN THE AIR
It's PRIDE MONTH!! It's not PRIDE WEEK yet, but it almost is!

4. OFFICIAL SUMMER JAM: S.O.S.
The official jam of the summer of 06 is S.O.S BY RHIANNA. I can't get enough!

3. THE MOVIE IS BETTER THAN THE BOOK: MERYL STREEP WEARS PRADA
I despised the book The Devil Wears Prada. I'm not even linking to it because I think it's total bunk (mostly because by the end the narrator, who has no character development whatsoever and is supposed to be real but is actually vacant and full of these actually quite machocistic behaviors that are never actually explained, throws away everything--including everyone who loves and cares about her--for an internship without any specific rewards for a magazine she doesn't even like. She's a totally unsympathetic narrator and ... ok fuck, I could rant about Lauren Weisberger all night, let me just say that this book ranks right up there with my Bunkiest Books of All Time with Pure by Rebecca Ray).

But the movie looks totally awesome! I mean, when does that happen? Like, never. I wanna see it real bad!

2. CUSTARD PIE AND FRIED SHRIMP
I was reading my diary from 1998 (I'm writing a book, so I get to research myself a lot) and I saw that I made a list of all my favorite foods--cause that's when I was like, Somalian looking, and always trying to eat all the time to put on weight hopefully in the chestage area. Some of these foods I haven't eaten in a while, so I'd like to mention them:
-Kraft Cheesy Alfredo
-#36 at Zingerman's Deli in Ann Arbor, no swiss, sub mozzarella
-Billy the Kidd Burger at Bennigans
-Mom's Meatloaf at Bill Knapps
-Fried Shrimp
-Mozzarella breadsticks from Ciceros
-Custard pie (what the fuck?!?!!)


1. STEPHEN DUNN, DUH!
So, in honor of the fact that I totally noticed that Lauren is reading Stephen Dunn, and that Natalie's boy got her a Stephen Dunn book, I want to write this Stephen Dunn poem here. Ok, hold up, I'm gonna be serious for like, a paragraph.

A lot of people keep fighting! (Not me though, Baruch Hashem!) Sometimes though you gotta fight, and sometimes you can't make up. But whatevs, just link to More Potato Products, the Blog Behind the Music to read a Stephen Dunn poem called "After the Argument."

Then go buy all his poetry books, and then You, just like Chelain, can start your own religion!

2 comments:

Annie said...

audibly laughing at "fried shrimp"; not sure why.

I'm with you on not linking to things you don't think deserve it.

I know Tasti D is a good diet trick, but do you actually enjoy/savor it? I'm seriously wondering, because I'd probably look a lot better if I could force myself to embrace it. Any tips on how to delude yourself into thinking Tasti D is Haagen Dazs, send em my way.

marie lyn bernard said...

i honestly like tasti d. i mean, it's not real ice cream. it's not a substitute for ice cream. it's best to think of it as a substitute for carrot sticks or an apple?

but:
1. real tasti-d is the only way to go. alpha 1 or carbolite or whatever all taste like nuclear waste.
2. TOPPINGS. my favorite is granola. sprinkles are good.
2a. anything you put on top of tasti-d-lite has no calories (like how french fries eaten from someone elses plate have no calories)
3. with fried shrimp! i'd get big bags from costco and bake them in the oven. it was grosss!! i can't believe i did that. jesus.
4. anything that sounds like it couldn't be ice cream is usually not very good. e.g. rice pudding, angel food cake. i like peanut butter and cookies+cream the best. likewise, variations on chocolate (e.g. "german chocolate cake" or "fudge") generally fall flat.