Bang Bang Bang.
10. Hot like Darlene
Last night, shescape hosted NYC's first White Party. Haviland, Tara, Lainy and I partied like Jem and the Hollograms, except older and more fucked up.
Okay. So, if this was Miami--and it's pretty clear that it isn't--there would be no gross bitches at this party who were not wearing all white. I mean, like-- Haviland and I are always trying to turn non-costume parties into costume parties, so I really don't understand why anyone would go in not-costume to a costume party? Unless they wanna perpetuate stereotypes like the one about all lesbians being fat and unstylish.
There were enough hotties there to inspire this statement, from a girl who was wearing white but was also super-dumb: "You and your friends are hot! I think all lesbians should look like us, but instead they all look like John Goodman!"
Raise your hand if you think, of all the people on Roseanne, it's in fact Darlene/Sara Gilbert who looks most like a lesbian (because she IS, holla!), NOT Mr. Goodman.
9. Is that a Banana in your pocket, or is it Pride?
Lo left me this banana before going to Florida for the weekend. I wanted to keep it as a little keepsake, but bananas rot, and I'm not Superman.
8. The Ipod Nano: THOMAS THE TANK-ENGINE OF PORTABLE ELECTRONICS.
I have dropped my ipod nano at least a million times, including three times this weekend. It still works. I mean, wow.
7. MTV radio.
The "First Ladies" station provides an endless rotation of classic tunes from so many of my favorite artists, including Kelly Clarkson, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani and whoever sings that "don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" song.
Side note: someone needs to make this shit work on a mac.
6. I'm a Tank.
Seriously, sometimes I can put a lot of substances into my body and still do amazing things like run into traffic, inspiring amazing jokes/pick-up lines (detailed in Hav's blog). But it's not like I jumped out the window 'cause I thought I could fly. (That's what all the adults tell kids will happen to them if they take a lot of drugs. but it's not true. Seriously, most people who jump out the window are not on E, they are just depressed, which as Hard Harry said in Pump up the Volume, is part of being a teenager and surviving is the point. Got it. Say no to drugs! (JK!))
5. One week from now, I'll be drinking cocktails at the pool deck of the Norweigen Star.
4. Just Fix Me
My ANTM-esque quality makeover (from traffic-stopping in a bad way to traffic-stopping in a good way) is owed to the fine people at Rubann Salon. Since I look so good right now, I've been asked who made me look so good quite often. If you live in Michigan, then you should go see Nicole at Marshall Fields in Briarwood Mall, she saved me when I lived there. Then you should have a Mrs. Fields cookie and then you should have a CINNABON and then you should go to the Thomas Kinkaid gallery and buy me a painting of a fox in a meadow and mail it to me so I can laugh at you, punk!
3. Cliff Notes for Fun
If you were like, tearing apart your apartment searching for your drivers license (which you never found, inducing waves of panic regarding future cruise vacation), during the Pride parade, then you'll totally be jammin' to the pride weekend photo summaries offered at Queerty. It's like those videos at Bar Mitzvahs but with naked adults instead of naked bay-bays. (that's Long Island for "babies")
2. Gender Blender
Aside from stupid chicks who couldn't dig up a single item of white clothing (um hello hanes wifebeaters size small 3-pack for 7.99, I have about 100, I wish I was kidding, I'm totally not kidding at all), something else that would've made the White Party better would be Da Lipstyxx. If I was having a Bat Mitzvah (in which case I'd be 13 and rancid, but whatevs), they'd totally perform at it. Hav and I tried to do some Da Lipsyxx dance moves but it would've been cooler if they'd been there too. They aren't even lesbians or girls, so that's like, a pretty significant compliment coming from me, a hyper-exclusive semi-bitch.
1. Just Another Manic Monday, I wish it was Sunday
Let's not kid ourselves, obviously I'm finishing this blog entry on Monday because yesterday I was googling the fuck out of the internet to find out about my photo-ID situation so I didn't finish this. Normally I'd just pretend like it's still Sunday, but I have to announce the following piece of info: I WAS ON TIME TO WORK TODAY. In fact, I WAS THE FIRST ONE IN THE OFFICE. Anyone who knows me will know that this is like, probably a lie, but: 1. it's not, 2. i'm a butterfly!