H & R! Haviland and Riese Advice Column #1: You've Got Feelings, We've Got Answers

Hello! Welcome to the first installment of H&R: Haviland and Riese's stunning advice column. This is where we fix all your problems instead of fixing our own. By default, we're answering the first five e-mails we received but keep 'em coming, and we'll keep on coming ... all over the keyboard. Also, P.S., my Mom is here this weekend, and she's: 1. watching some weird "Broadway Promos" channel where Mary Poppins is singing crazy, 2. Convinced I need to get a master's degree in social work, so that I can devote myself to advice. That's great advice. That's exactly what I need to do, is pour additional money into the University system, which's so far proved immensely useful. Anyone want a ten page paper on the rise of the modern American novel? I'm selling it for $10, it's a buyer's market. 3. Is now telling me that I need to begin this column with a disclaimer that we are not mental health professionals, we are "literary" and "humor." If you have a real problem, you should see a professional. Like my Mom, the social worker.

Mom: "If someone asks you advice about killing themselves or killing somebody, you need to direct them elsewhere. People take things seriously and they will find you and track you down and kill you. If you think I'm joking or exaggerating, I'm not. You think I'm being overdramatic, don't you?"
Me: "No! I'm trying to transcribe, you're talking too fast."

Got it? Okay!

Also -- we'd like to invite you -- the reader -- to chime in with your advice if you've got it. Also, this is sort of a test run. Hav's coming out to NYC in a few weeks, so we'll do an advice vlog for a few special questions, and we're gonna cover some questions on ichat, etc. So send us more questions, we need more questions, more! more!

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Dear H & R,

My new boss recently relocated desks and is now sitting next to me. Her ringtone is 'Clocks' by Coldplay, and every time I hear it ring I want to throw myself off the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Her taste in music is severely affecting my time in my cubicle. My co-workers have advised that raise this issue directly with her, however confronting people just isn't how I roll. If you could suggest a more passive aggressive solution to my problem then it would be well appreciated.

-Cold for Coldplay

Dear CFC,

Haviland: Confront. Srsly. Try this, "hey, would you mind turning your ringer to vibrate?" You obviously need to learn to be more aggressive. Do it with a smile, and your boss will understand. She's being very disrespectful to have a cell phone ringing in the workplace, anyway! This happens in dressing rooms all the time, and the best way to go, for sure, is just to ask nicely. I'm all about the direct approach. (of course you could just say, "oh em GEE!" every time it rings, but like i always say, why waste that kind of time?)

Riese: Although I'm a big fan of passive passiveness and aggressive aggressiveness in relationships w/friends, I fully support passive aggression in the workplace. What Haviland is suggesting is the kind of thing you might do if you were a confident, pro-active, forward-thinking problem-solver with a great deal of poise and direction. I'm not like that, I'm a wimp at work. Let's go:
1. Find out what music she hates the most and make that your ringtone, then set your phone to email alerts so it'll go off all the time. I can email you all day. Oh wait, I already do, Secret Person. She'll get so annoyed that she'll start to question her own behavior.
2.Next time it rings, grab it and throw it against the wall and go 'I HATE COLDPLAY!'
3. Start playing "Clocks" by Coldplay on an old-school boom box on repeat all day so she can't tell if it's her phone or the boom box. And if she's like "Stop playing Clocks on repeat all day, it's annoying," say, "Funny you should mention that ..." and so on.
4. All of those things take longer than just confronting, but c'mon, what else are you gonna do at work? Work? Right-o.

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Dear H&R,

My girlfriend is moving cross-country to live with me (we've lived together before, so those dynamics are worked out). So, what should I do to make things easier for my girlfriend when she moves here? I worry pretty equally about the outcomes of either forcing her to hang out with my friends endlessly (whether she likes them or not) or leaving her at home alone all the time while I go socialize. Not that I don't think she'll make her own friends, of course, I'm just worried about the transition period between cutesy I'm-so-glad-you're-finally-here-let's-do-everything-togetherness and normal (somewhat separate, I hope) lives. Any advice would be appreciated.

-Full House

Dear FH,

Riese: So I have this theory which's that people expend the least amount of effort possible at all times in order to make it from sunrise to sundown without slitting their wrists. Which's just to say that if she gets on w/your friends straight away, she'll probs never bother to make her own, and then you'll be trapped in a 24-7-togetherness that'll eventually lead to either double suicide or the end of sex. I think you must ask yourself: "Do I truly want my girlfriend to attend this social event? If we didn't live together, would I invite her?" and if the answer is "yes," then invite her. But if you start inviting her for any reason besides a genuine desire to have her there (e.g., obligation, wanting her to feel included), that'll get unhealthy fast.

I did the cohab thing once. Howevs, 'cause I'd cheated on my boyfriend with a pledge at his fraternity as a prelude to what I saw (incorrectly) as our impending breakup, I was actually formally prohibited from attending his social gatherings. Then about four months post-cheating, he went out of town and his "brothers" invited me over and ragged on him all night and I had an a-ha! moment. Was there a point to this story? Oh, then I dumped his ass and his "brothers" helped me move out. Don't let that happen to you. Hey-o!

Ok, enough about memememee. Also, totally JK'ing, I just wanted to talk about myself and be humor, that would never happen to you, speaking of you; let's get back to you. Leaving her at home alone won't do anyone any favors, 'cause she's not gonna make new friends with your couch (howevs, there is the internet!). Work or school will be the best area for her to have a life separate from yours. Also, make out frequently and when she arrives, answer the door in nothing but whipped cream.

ALSO! (omg, I have so many feelings about this) If it's a big group gathering, you never know who your gf will click with. Maybe she'll end up being besties with a peripheral friend. Magic social evolution! KaZAM! It's not bad to have many of the same friends as your girlfriend, it happens often, just try to be aware of it happening organically instead of by default, if it does.

Tinkerbell says that your girlfriend wants a vodka-tonic and a back massage.

Haviland: I basically agree with the Riesling, except I haven't had the experiences of which she speaks, with the frat boys, etc. The main thing is to make sure you're still living your life, even while she's entered it. You absolutely do want to make her comfortable, but not at the expense of making yourself miserable. Make sure she feels like your place is also her place, and that can be as simple as picking out some cute things to decorate - candles, throw pillows, autowin collages, whathaveyou. I'm hoping she has a job, and she'll be able to make friends there. In any event, you should talk about this with her - tell her your concerns and that you are excited about making a life with her, but are cognizant of being too codependent, and want to keep your relationship great and sexy and honest and healthy. Hopefully she'll be respectful of your alone time with your friends, she'll meet her own, you'll have date time, alone time, etc...and it'll all work out. Just keep those lines of communication flowin'. (Did I just say that? oy...)

Riese: The main thing is to be sure you make an effort to maintain some romance and mystery -- a romantic night out is often less romantic when you witness your partner preparing for it, instead of seeing her just show up looking fantastic. Don't pressure each other to check in all the time (it's nice sometimes to go to Wal-Mart w/o your SO knowing you're going to Wal-Mart) and be sure you have lives just separate enough so there's still stuff to talk about. Like don't be "How was your day?" "Um, you should know, you were there for the whole thing." Etc.

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Dear H&R,

How can you make people attracted to you without always having to be the friend... i.e., I would rather not be Ross to the Rachel, the Will to the Grace ... In other words ... what do I do?

-Friend Without Benefits

FWB,

Haviland: Oh, honey, haven't we all been here! You can't make anyone like you, dear - it'll just happen. If you're into someone and you're not sure if they reciprocate, flirt a little bit and try and figure it out, or ask one of their other friends. Leave a little "circe" (gift) at their place or at their work...nothing too romantic at first - better if it's sweet and/or funny. Make sure whatever it is can later be sluffed off as being a friendly gesture, but also, something that, if they are into you, they'll think is super sweet. If you find that they aren't into you, let it go! Don't waste your precious time obsessing over someone with whom it just ain't gonna happen!

Riese: I think what Haviland is saying is "lower your standards." Howevs, I think you can sometimes win someone over by showing them (subtly!) you can treat them right (if that's what they want) ... or by making yourself indispensable to them, like make them super codependent on you and then be like "look, either we take this relationship to the next level, or I'm outta here," and then they're like "fuck, I better keep you around otherwise who's gonna make dinner?" Mostly, I'd say that you need to talk about other romantic exploits (make some up if you don't have any) to make yourself seem like you're being desired by people all over the world.

But srsly, the most attractive trait a person can carry off is confidence. If you don't wanna be slotted as a "friend," then you need to be someone who knows what they're doing. Don't confess anything embarrassing or radiate neediness or inexperience right away. That'll come later, once you've already had a few rounds of riding the hobby horse wink wink.

Also:
1. Axe Body Spray.
2. Be mysterious and aloof, or better yet -- mysteriously aloof.
3. Didn't Ross & Rachel end up getting married? Just sayin' ...
4. I believe a great pop song once sang, "I can't make you love me if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't." Right? Yeah. Think about it -- you can't force someone to be with you and you wouldn't want to. If they don't see how fabulous you are, then they're not the "one," 'cause "Thinks I'm fabulous" is a very important trait in a partner.
5. Get drunk and go to Manhunt.com, it works every time.

Haviland: I agree about the confidence thing, but the other advice? hm...maybe the axe body spray...this is a very good idea.

Riese: Secretly, I think my brother wears Axe Body Spray. And for someone with my genetic makeup, his luck with the ladies is not too shabby.

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Dear H&R,

I've been with my girlfriend for about ten months. We're good together. The only problem is, she bites me. Really hard. I don't know how to explain away neck and shoulder bruises. What do you suggest?

-Bitten

Dear Bitten,

Riese: Listen up, Semi, I told you to just say you fell down the stairs! Oh wait -- ten months. NM. Um, okay anonymous Bitten, if you were my friend and you had neck and shoulder bruises and I was like, "what are those?" and you went, "my girlfriend bites me. Really hard," I'd be like HOLLA! and give you a high-five, and then we could go to the record store and have a few beers, maybe listen to some rock n' roll, etc.

But seriously, I think you need to make up a story -- like tell your girlfriend, "OMG, so apparently everyone at work has been chatting about my shoulder and
neck bruises and they think that you're like, abusing me, or -- I dunno, everyone's looking at me funny and thinking i have some sort of sordid secret life. So you have to stop! I know it's hot and fun, but I can't explain away these bruises forevs!" or something. Also, are you sure she's not a vampire and she's actually eating your blood? I think there was an L Word episode about this.

Haviland: I don't know about "making up a story." I'm never a fan of this. Do you like the biting? If not, then just ask her to stop, that you're into her, but not into that. If you do like it, you should just ask her to take a nibble on all the places that people at work won't see. What I would do is tell her she's really sexy (make sure to boost her up, so she doesn't think you're putting her down) and all the true things you love about her and her biting, but tell her you're afraid people are staring at your bruises. Suggest some places to nibble that aren't so visible.. In any event, talk to her about it - tell her this is kind of hard to bring up (obvs it is if you're writing to us about it and not just talking to her) but that it's important to be honest, because you do really think the relationship is great and that you're good together. This is a minor thing. The thing is, if you're in an intimate situation, and your mind is on "omg there she goes with that - how am i going to explain it this time?", then you're not really being all that intimate, and your mind is taken off of her. And don't you think she wants it to be on her and how good she's making you feel? So, thats the deal...communicate.

Riese: While we're on the topic, FYI ... DO NOT TOUCH HAVILAND'S FACE."

Haviland: "Do NOT touch my face."

Riese: "I just had another idea -- coat your body in poison, like people do when they don't want to bite their nails."

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Dear H & R,

I came out to my parents two years ago, when I was 18. My mom's Cuban (w/very strong religious beliefs & "family morals") and my Dad had just been getting back into religion again. My mom stopped speaking to me for five months and my Dad thought I should let go of all my sins so God would forgive me, but I don't like being forced into religion ... or anything. Also, they asked me not to tell my younger brother, who was 15 at the time, and I agreed to wait 'til he was older -- I guess I wanted to give my parents something.

Last November, I put my foot down. I told my Mom I didn't want to just be "tolerated" and I had a right to tell my brother and so I did. He said he kinda already knew but it was still weird and when I tried to talk to him about it, he'd just shut down.

To make everyone else comfortable, I never talk about being gay or about girls I find attractive, but it's getting to a point of ridiculousness. Today I was driving my brother home from school, listening to Katy Perry's CD -- she sings "I Kissed a Girl" and "UR So Gay" (although Perry herself is straight). My brother FLIPPED OUT and asked me to change the song 'cause the last seven songs have been about "that." He can't even say the word "gay."

I love him so much and I'd do anything for him, but I'm getting so tired of trying to make everyone else comfortable while sacrificing being myself. I don't ever overstate it or throw it in anyone's face, and I never would, but I think listening to a song that mentions girls kissing each other or uses the word "gay" shouldn't be a problem.

Am I overthinking this? How do I approach my brother w/o him shutting down? Do I have a right to feel the way I do?

-IM So Gay.

Riese: Do you live at home with your parents? I feel like maybe you feel a little guilty for being gay 'cause they've told you to be, and that repressed self-loathing enables you to not feel you've got a right to actually be a whole person and demand that your whole person be loved and respected like everyone else.

Have you had a girlfriend? I'd suggest that you find a smokin' hot girlfriend who's totally into you, and then bring her over, and your brother will think it's hot and your parents will be like "omg, there are lesbians who don't wear flannel and chop down trees with hairy armpits," and she can win them over, etc. Actually I think what I am describing is a prostitute (not a bad idea!) In general ... I think it's hard to live your life feeling any kind of guilt for how you've chosen to live it. You'll never be able to feel fully comfortable in your skin until the people who love you can look at your skin and your face and your whole self and say, "it is good."

Haviland: I have a lot of feelings about this. Do you have anyone in your extended family or family friends who could be your ally on this, and help you to talk with your family? You need a team. Sadly, many, many people go through what you're dealing with - a family who believes fully in the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. So you're left feeling that if you even reference possibly thinking someone might be attractive, that you are being sinful and inappropriate and wrong. YOU ARE NOT WRONG. It's amazing that you told your mom you didn't want to just be tolerated -- maybe you can take it a step further and get her help on this? I think it freaks out families to think of their kid/sister as being gay because it, annoyingly, puts their mind into thinking of that person (you) in a sexual situation, and no one wants to think about their sister or kid having a sex life. What's important for your family to understand, and MORE importantly, for you to really be at peace with, is the fact that being a gay is really not a big deal. Really. Instead of dating a guy, it's going to be a girl. That's all. Align yourself with an ally or two, or 100. They are out there. You've found a blog full of them here, in fact! Didn't Jimmy get the memo that lesbians are hot? Send him the links to our websites! I'll leave you with this, from "Silent Legacy" by the Queen of being guilt-free about who you are, the extraordinary Melissa Etheridge, "Mothers, tell your children -be quick - you must be strong. Life is full of wonder. Love is never wrong."

Riese: I think you need to ask your Mom what it is precisely that concerns her -- is she worried you'll be poor w/o a man 'cause women have unequal earning power, or that you'll be ostracized, or is she legitimately worried that you're going to hell? Confront those concerns head-on. (Directly to the forehead.) Also, I feel like a lot of homophobia stems from the homophobic person being angered by/ashamed of their own gay feelings (a.k.a. The Fairbanks Syndrome) (see also: the evangelical Christian preachers getting blown in gas station bathrooms). 'Cause sometimes we're all a little bi. Ask your brother what exactly it is that bothers him -- is he embarrassed? Grossed out? (and if so, point out the idea of thinking about him having sex with a girl also grosses you out). Maybe if they're just worried what other people will think, you can offer them your closeted behavior around their friends and family in exchange for love within your immediate family. Or say you understand they don't approve, and that that'll never change, but you'd like to be able to be yourself around them, and that accepting you doesn't mean they're backing down on their beliefs. Ultimately it's their problem -- you've got no problem with how they live. They're the ones creating all this drama.

They need to know it's not their "fault," and that it's not gonna change. Show them books and movies and shows and Ellen & Portia! As long as you internalize their loathing, they'll get away with it -- they probs still think you can change, 'cause they don't understand that it's a part of you that you can't change. Once they do, they'll realize they've got two choices: accept it, or loose you. And the art of losing is hard to master, no matter what Elizabeth Bishop says.

FYI; there's nothing in the bible against lesbians. Just -- so you know. As Ruth told her gay son in Six Feet Under when he came out; "I don't get to chose which parts of you that I love like some kind of chicken."

Haviland: Yes, asking your mom what scares her so much would really put the ball in her court. Also, the more I think about it, I feel annoyed by everyone always saying that they aren't flaunting their sexuality or whatever - like as though you are walking down the street naked, waving a pride flag? I don't really get this. Most lesbians I know are pretty boring, actually - they live in homes, some of them have kids, many of them engage in gossip and obsession, not unlike seventh grade girls...but basically, if "flaunting" it means just being cool with who you are, whats the problem with this? I used to feel awkward about holding my girlfriends hand in front of my parents. But then I had to think, ok, if this were a guy, would I feel awkward? Well, probably. But the point - when you are passionate about something, don't you want to share it with the people you love?

Riese and I obvs have SO many feelings about this, and since I've been thinking about it for 15 years (srsly, I'm not kidding about that), I have a lot to say, and I feel like many of our readers might have thought a little about this, too! So, let's continue this dialogue!

Sunday Top Ten: The Most Hollalicious Entertainments of 2007

As you probs know, I'm a highly esteemed list-writer, thus your weekly "Sunday" Top Ten and, subsequently, my LA-LA-LA-LOVE for the month of December a.k.a. International List-Writing Month. Every December, writers turn their misty eyes away from the present and towards the immediate past, eager to Review the Year, rank and file passing events and assess the bestiness of various entertainments. For example: The Top 25 Entertainers of the Year (Entertainment Weekly), The Year in Ideas (New York Times Magazine), Best Magazine Covers of 2007 (ASME), The 10 Best Books of the Year (NY Times Sunday Book Review), Best Products of the Year (Stereofile), Best Book Covers of the Year (The Book Design Review), 100 Best Films of the Year (London Times), Best Reviewed Albums of the Year (Metacritic), Best Books of the Year (Publishers Weekly), Voice Writers Pick Their 20 Favorite Books of the Year (The Village Voice), Highlights of 2007: Design (frieze), Music Bloggers Best of 2007 (stereogum), Year in Review: Hookups&Breakups, Video, Year in Photos, In Memoriam, Gossip, Etc. (MSN), The ADD Year in Review in Comics (Comic Book Galaxy), The Year in Art (ArtForum), Best Films & Best Games & Best Music & Best Books (PASTE Magazine), Top DVD Box Sets of 2007 (The New Yorker), The Ten Best Dressed of 2007 (People), The 2007 Esquire 100 (Esquire), Top 25 Censored News Stories of 2007 (project censored) and The Year's Most Notable Renegades (Radar). See, I love lists. December is to Riese what um, October is to people who like baseball (right?), or um, July for people who love the sweltering heat.

I think someone is grilling cheeseburgers outside my window. Apparently I live next door to a former methadone clinic (How do I know these things? Well, 2007 has been a very educational year, perhaps I'll be Reviewing it soon!), maybe they have cookouts now instead of methadone, 'cause I feel like it often smells like cheeseburgers around here. Good cheeseburgers though, not like, crap ones. Maybe only Sundays, maybe it's got something to do with Church and therefore with Jesus, I should join the Church. I just need a colorful hat like the black ladies wear.

So anyhow, today's Sunday Top Ten begins my long look back at '07, otherwise known as "The Worst Year EVER," which means looking back is a lot like poking a spork into my eyeballs. JK, obvs I love re-living trauma, it's my hobby basically. I'm not even kidding, CLEARLY IT IS, hello, I have a blog. Anyhow, it wasn't the worst year ever, I've grown and changed so much this year, I love everyone and everything. There are so many more of you than there were then: this can not be dismissed, this is not everything but it is a lot of things.

So, December is a time for you to ask: Riese, what's on YOUR mind? What are YOU thinking? Let's talk about YOU. You know? Except I'm saying it to myself so it's like: meememememememe. That's the secret code word I use to let you know that I'm aware I talk about myself all the time. Like, I've already talked about myself once, so why don't I talk about myself talking about myself, that's like, post-hipster-blogstar-metatastic.

Last year I did this: The Top 10 Best of 2006 (general), Top 10 Best Quotes of 2006, The Out-Loud Spoken Kind, Top 10 Best Quotes of 2006: Some Highlights from the Written Quotes, and the Top 10 Best Books of 2006: Some of Which I Have Actually Read.

Let's address that last one right now. I said it then, and I'll say it again because I want to: I read a lot, but hardcovers are expensive and heavy, therefore I rarely read them and thus rarely have an opinion on the Best Books of the Year though people expect me to. I never read new releases. If I'm gonna read a new book, it's gotta be either in first-edition paperback or acquired for free (publisher's proofs, etc.) or at a used bookstore. Therefore I'm remarkably unqualified to rank and order books. Like; last year my list included two books I'd actually read, the rest just looked good.

So I thought, well, I'll just expand the category to include all forms of entertainment released this year (except music, I'll leave that to the experts, besides, y'all know it's Tegan & Sara, obvs. And Uh Huh Her), unfortunately, I haven't been to a single movie in all of 2007 and I rarely watch teevee. Seriously, every time I watch teevee, I write about it. It's a 1:1 ratio. If I've watched a show, you've been the first to know.

It's been pointed out to me that my life this year has been a bit cinematic. I mean, who needs movies or a hardcover when you've got your own live-action film playing out right before your eyes? That's right: you don't. So I present what was supposed to be the Top Ten Entertainments of 2007 and ended up being a list of pretty much every single item of actual "entertainment" I've engaged in all year.

DUE TO MY BARELY PARTIAL PARTICIPATION
IN THE NEW RELEASES OF THE YEAR OF 2007,
I PRESENT
THE ONLY 10 ENTERTAINMENTS OF 2007
WHICH WERE ALSO PUBLISHED/RELEASED IN 2007

Magazines:
10.The Atlantic Monthly's 150th Anniversary Issue: Not only did this inspire me to give up multitasking for about a minute -- seriously, multitasking as I speak -- but its little blurbs about "The American Idea" warmed me all the way through my thick skin and straight to my gut. I transcribed my favorite in Auto-Universe.

9. Almost every single issue of New York Magazine, Esquire, Radar, Bust, Bitch, Women's Health & Fitness, Missbehave, Nylon, Good, The Advocate, Paper, Elle, Curve, Teen Vogue HOLLA, Poets & Writers, Jane (til it went under) and Glamour. Also obvs there was this really good article in the August issue of Marie Claire written by MEEEEE about my sweating disorder. Okay, I'm not gonna lie, I buy that magazine every month.

8. Hey! Speaking of magazines. A;ex and I went to the GO-NYC Magazine 5th Anniversary Party (their photos here), which was essentially a series of lines: to get in, to check your coat, to get a drink, to get another drink, to get another drink (eventually obvs just got a double), to get your coat back (that was the worst line of all the lines). The Lesbian to Bartender ratio was about 500:1. I told Stef it was a good thing she didn't go, as her rockstar-event-coordination experience would've likely led to a head explosion at this particular party, and she noted that "lesbians can't organize themselves a glass of WATER," quickly followed by "i just wanted an excuse to use that expression."

Anyhow, I still heart Leisha Hailey even though I didn't get a chance to tell her I'm sorry about Dana. Dani looks exactly in person how she does on teevee except more endearing. I feel like she's single and the world is her lesbian oyster, go get her ladies. Everyone, including us miraculously (see line-waiting paragraph, above), was drunkity drunk drunk or tripping on something, esp. Guinevere Turner. Rose Troche and Guinevere reminded me of how Haviland and I are gonna be in ten years. I'll be the one telling a drunk story about getting dumped for Leisha Hailey, and Haviland'll be going "Riese, Riese," like trying to make me shut up 'cause we're in public and I'll be quoted. Also, there's something strangely sexy about Rose Troche, I can't put my finger on it (or CAN I?), I think it's 'cause she's so talented and prolific. They said they're talking about a sequel to Go Fish, that more or less sounds like the worst movie ever. They should call it Go Fish 2: Back in Group Therapy. Maybe they were just kidding. I couldn't tell. You know how women are.

You guys, also, Dani is defo not currently involved with Tila Tequila. Howevs, I still think she might win on Tuesday. I still heart everyone and we had a good time. Goooooo GO! Oh also, "It's a Small World" Story Number 500; A;ex ran into some friends of hers who were there with their friend who is a commenter on my blog/now person-I-know-through-my-blog. Crazy, yeah? We all hung out, go GO! Oh, I said that already. Moving on.
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Movies:
7. Wanna know something brill? I figured I could think of a good DVD at least, something I got on demand ... but 2007 was Totes THE YEAR OF NO MOVIES ANYWHERE -- no movies in the theater, and no movies at home either! I have no clue how this happened, I probs have watched an average of 50-100 movies a year in every single year but this one. I used to watch at least a movie a day. Seriously. I guess I was sort of living my own version of Girl, Interrupted/A Beautiful Mind/Man of La Mancha for a good chunk of the summer, so whatevs. Fuck! What a weird-ass year, seriously, the only narrative films I saw this year were Art School Confidential ('cause Shane was in it) and this 9-11 movie that was on teevee when I was sick with food poisoning. I did watch a few docs: An Inconvenient Truth, Jesus Camp, The Devil's Playground, Gay Republicans, This Film is Not Yet Rated, When the Levees Broke.

Sicko looked good, I'd recommend it, I should see it. Thanks for the recommendation, Riese. Um, what movies came out this year? That movie about the girl from Grey's Anatomy getting preggers? Any gay movies? Are you my mother? Where's your head at? I wonder what it's like in there, that big cavernous theater. Movie magic. Hoo-ha. If you're just turning in, here's an update: the last movie I saw was Dreamgirls, it was the best movie ever so I knew I never had to go back to the movies again.

Theater:
7a. HOWEVER I've been to the theater, more than once even! I saw Spring Awakening (twice)! And Les Miserobvs ('cause Hav was doing Fantine)! Also Heather conned me into Naked Boys Singing!, which made Natalie and Annie and me drink heavily and giggle uncontrollably. The same thing happened at Les Mis actually. I saw some bad plays too. Won't go into that.

That photo is Haviland in her Factory Girl costume. Hard core, totes.

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The World Wide Webbernet:
6. Regularly Updated (at least 2-3 times/week most of the year) Blogs That Made me LOL consistently: Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog? and FourFour
It's rare that writing (aside from my friends' emails) makes me literally LOL. Like every time it happens I note it to myself: "Riese, you just LOL'ed!" So yeah, one gay and one straight man inspired me to think, over and over again, consistently, all year long with triweekly posts are more and think "holy shit, that is hilarious, and I never would've thought of that": Lozo and FourFour. And for that I am grateful. Mazel Tov. (Sidenote: Totes aware there's plenty of funny blogs I'd probs LMAO or even ROFL to, but I've only got so much time, already maxed out, thus the short number on this list. Sometimes I'm scared like I can't find another good blog, I've got so much reading to do already!)

5. The following websites have endeared themselves to me over the course of this year, in which I became 75% human, 25% cyborg: Arts & Letters Daily, bartleby, Google Reader OBVS, facebook, poets.org, new pages, bookslut, mediabistro, feministing, and the endlessly fascinating Sitemeter. All the items I've ever tried to make you read on Google Reader are here: My Shared Items Blog. Then also there's the Auto-Universe Archive of all the things I've tried to force you to read via link. I think I spend way more time reading stuff on the internet than I realised until just this moment. I guess it's that there's still so much left I haven't read. It never ends, like, your perfect blog could be out there still.

Google Reader offers trends. They've just offered me supreme wisdom, and this is it: I'm apparently super-good at reading my friends' blogs, and I read way more blogs on Tuesdays and Fridays than any other day of the week.
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TeeVee:
4. Sugar Rush: It took me about four months to take up the suggestion that I watch Sugar Rush, and I've still only seen about half the episodes, and by "episodes" I mean the lesbian storyline, perfectly edited for my viewing pleasure by this girl on YouTube who's account is now suspended, dammit. At this pace, I'll be checking out Quarterlife by March '08, never fear Elizabeth. Watch Sugar Rush (WARNING: that link goes to a later episode, I just can't find any links now that the girl's lost her account, but that'll give you an idea I guess), you just may want to pinch Kim's cute little cheeks. She's a total critter. And it doesn't take itself too seriously, I think. Plus, Sugar goes to prison, because apparently that's what women do in the UK, maybe it is illegal to be a lesbian there.

3. The L Word obvs! Best show ever, clearly. So dynamic, so well-written. The characters just crawl inside you and take up residence. No honestly; I think the online community's enhanced this show, for me and for everyone, and it has its moments, like the basketball scene and the episode where everyone fucked. I've never watched it alone since Season One, and I don't think I ever could: to me, it's inherently part of a larger narrative, the one about the way we actually live, which apparently, for me at least, involves meticulously tracking sexual encounters and making fun of deaf people. Also, South of Nowhere, great show. Spencer: such a critter.

2. Like With Most Entertainments, I do 95% of my teevee watching at the gym, where the best channels are MTV and Bravo, then there's basic network channels ... which means I see a lot of America's Next Top Model, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, and The View before Rosie quit. At home, I've also enjoyed, from time to time, The Office, Degrassi: The Next Generation and the best show ever A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. Actually, even Tila I've watched all of at the gym in re-runs the next day. Oh! And Carly lent me the entire series of Arrested Development on DVD, which is funny, two thumbs up. 2007 is almost over and I'm nearly done with Season Three.

I watched Gossip Girl with semi-obsessive interest until they introduced "Vanessa." I accepted many things about this show that bore no resemblance to the books I so dearly loved, but Vanessa was supposed to be a quasi-lesbian with Doc Martens and a shaved head. WTF?! This new Vanessa looks like a Saved by the Bell extra from 1992, and has none of the original Vanessa's quirkiness or overall cool. The real Vanessa is like the girl who dated Macauly Culkin in Saved! Sigh.
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Books:
1. OK, so, Books I Did Read This Year, In Chronological Order: The Revolution Will Be Accessorized: BlackBook Presents Dispatches from the New Counterculture (various), 20Something Essays by Twentysomething Writers (various), The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold), Everything Else in the World (Stephen Dunn), Bitchfest (various), Name All The Animals (Ali Smith), Area Code 212 (Tama Janowitz), Indestructible (Cristy Road), The Book of Genesis, Exodus, John, Daniel, Revelations (by G-d or his minions or whatevs), Girlbomb (Janice Earlbaum), The Mistresses' Daughter (A.M. Homes), The Glass Castle (Jeanette Walls), The Collected Poems of Rilke (Rilke, obvs), Naked on the Internet (Audacia Ray), The Bigger The Better the Tighter the Sweater (ed. by Samantha Schoech & Lisa Taggart), So Much to Tell You (John Marsden), Nobody Belongs Here More Than You (Miranda July), Lucky (Alice Sebold), The Bell Jar (Sylvia Plath), I Love You More Than You Know (Jonathan Ames), Microthrills (Wendy Spiro), The Whole Story and Other Stories (Ali Smith), Enormous Changes at the Last Minute, (Grace Paley), Running With Scissors (Augusten Burroughs), Come to Me (Amy Bloom) and will probs finish The Vintage Book of Contemporary American Short Stories (ed. by Tobias Wolff) by the end of the year.

And also, formidable efforts were made into the following: Don Quijote (Miguel De Cervantes) (222/773), The Art of Love (Ovid) (117/206), Empire of the Senseless (Kathy Acker, library has it now) and 1984 (about 75%).

In that photo, I'm saying: "Reading is fun, y'all!"

Of those, the only ones that were released this year are the book I was in and the book I spoke on a panel about. I have come to the conclusion that the internet has provided me with the illusion that I'm fairly caught up on the happenings of the year when in fact the only thing I'm actually caught up on is what people talk about on the internet. I'm skipping life and going straight to commentary on it. This year has been hands down totes the weirdest thing ever. I can barely even believe it, and I've seen some shit.

Do you guys read books? I think most of you do. But I'm not sure, maybe when I talk about books, y'all are like snoooozeeee when's she gonna talk about Haviland naked again? Here, I'm going to find out, please take this poll, thank you:

PollPub.com Vote

Do You Read Books?

Yes No Just For School

View Results

Poll powered by PollPub.com Free Polls

I hope you like books. I'm writing a book, seriously. That's become my running gag, like the chicken dance on Arrested Development, except unlike G.O.B., I can actually write a book. I just like, haven't put it all together yet. But I totally could. And like, will. If you wanna know what books I think you should read, you can go to my a-store. There, no excuses! Also Lozo, still want you to read that Jonathan Ames book, I hope you got it. Hm. Guess what? I just burned a hole in my dresser. But I put out the fire, don't worry. Remember that saying "love is friendship set on fire" or something? I always thought that was sort of stupid. It seems like, whatever you want to feel, someone's got a quote to validate you. A proverb, or something. Anyone know how dpis and ppis work? Like, if a magazine wanted a 300 dpi photo from me, do they really mean ppi? I need to figure this out.

Sunday Top Ten: I Want a House on the Beach and You in My Dreams

This week was the Season Three premiere of South of Nowhere, which, much to Carly and I's discontent, was an hour long. This effed up both my comforting-assertion-to-myself that SON recaps would take less time than L Word recaps and our drinking schedule. [Recap Here ]

This's particularly funny 'cause we've been really gunning for ourselves that it's okay that we've got an hour-long pilot for our half-hour sitcom. But I don't have to recap my own sitcom. OMG, what if someone recapped our show? I think I'm gonna have to recap it too, just to be sure I'm the first one to make fun of myself. I'm stressed out just thinking about it. Clearly I need a screencap-focused intern. That's duty number two, after "Get me iced coffee. I said no sugar! NO G*&%$^#@* sugar, woman!" Seriously, if anyone's free right now, I'm so tired that I've moved my office to my bed. I read in a magazine never to do work on your bed because then your mind gets confused about what's supposed to happen on your bed and then it's harder to sleep. I think my mind is already plenty confused about what's supposed to happen in my bed. E.g., where is Jackie Warner?

Anyhow, it's always a good idea, when you don't know what to do for your blog because your brain is fried, to ask Lozo for suggestions. His demographic is pretty similar to mine; I'm a dubious bisexual who recaps lesbian television shows and talks about herself, he's a straight male who thinks [incorrectly] Kelly Clarkson is fat. I think we have a good crossover audience.

Really the main things we have in common are: we both like girls, we're often intoxicated, there is no situation too tragic for us to make jokes about it [and we know from tragedy], we know what Rex Manning Day is, and we are both mortal. He explores a variety of topics on his blog like: sex [not necessarily having it, obvs, but like, thinking about it and wanting to have it; who to have it with, how he'd like it, etc.] and baseball. These were his suggestions:

Lozo's Top 10 Suggestions:
Things In Life You Wish You Had Done By Now
Things In Life You Want To Do Before You Die
Unexpected Things That Have Come As A Result Of Your Blog
Songs/Albums You'd Like To Have Sex To (perhaps again)
Places You'd Like To Live Instead of NYC
Places You'd Like To Bang Guys (kidding)

I'd like to bang guys over the head with a pitchfork. (kidding)
(Really, kidding! )

I think I already did Places I'd Like to Live Instead of NYC, more or less. Although right now I'm pretty focused on West Hollywood. I don't know how this happened, but I think it has something to do with mountains.

"Unexpected Things That Have Come As A Result of Your Blog" is clearly an attempt at getting me to tell stories about making out with girls, as is "Songs/Albums You'd Like to Have Sex To." So that leaves the first two things, which are both great ideas, good work Lozo. They are also sort of similar. That's okay. You have a lot of thoughts happening in your head at once.

[Also side note: I don't actually know Lozo in real life. Wouldn't want anyone to think we're BFFs sitting at the bar, because then you might wonder, why don't I have time to sit at the bar with you and be your BFF? Not that I'm super-fun to be at the bar with, I'm just bad at making time for people when I should. Well, I'm not at the bar with hypothetical friends, just ask Lozo, he's never even met me.]

Oh so, because I'm sort of taxed out from the recap/life, I'm going to be doing this thing that I used to do which is where I just write stuff down. It'll be candid and fun and tangential, like reality television, or talking to me in person, or my last blog, except not serious, and that went over a-ok. Anyhow I could do an Endless Series called "Ten Things I Want to Do Before I Die." I mean, there's so many things! Hm. Anyhow, this is today.

Also, remember in Office Space when he's like, What would you do if you got a million dollars? And he's like "Two chicks at once." That was funny.

Sunday Top Ten: Things In Life I Want To Do Before I Die

(Also sidenote Lozo, totes repetitive. Things "in life" I want to do before I die? As opposed to what, exactly? Things I'd like to do "in dreams"? )

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10. Develop a Healthy Income That Enables The Production of A Child, Good Food, Travel, and Plenty Left Over to Donate to Those In Need and Everyone I Love and Every School I've Gone To and The Public School System in General, and Get Veneers or Whatever, New Teeth. Shiny White Teeth.

I think everyone wants this, clearly, except people who already got new teeth and people who're already rich. It would suck if that didn't happen until after I died, you know? (Lozo specified "in life," so I'm trying to stay faithful to the concept.) Like Van Gogh or whatever. Not that I'm comparing myself to Van Gogh. He'd probably call me and want me to never fucking compare myself to him, like Monet did to Jenny on "The L Word."

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9. Go to Israel, The Land of Milk and Honey.

I want to cement my Hebrew language skills and see the Holy Lands of my people. I was gonna go when I finished studying Hebrew, but I got really scared of Al Queda. I am aware this is an irrational fear. But then: I started taking trains everywhere, like cross country and stuff, and having dreams about 9-11ish situations all the time.

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8. Get "Living it Out" on the TeeVee
Obviously. Can I talk about this enough? [No.]

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7. Place my Mother in a Really Fancy Nursing Home or Lesbian Retirement Community (Kidding, Mum! Scratch "Nursing" and "Retirement.")

When I get rich, the first thing I need to do is buy my Mom high-speed internet and a nice totesbag, because she uses really weird bags, like she was using a fanny pack as a purse for about two years, and usually'd just take my bags when I was done with them. It's cute when she shows up at the airport to pick me up with a backpack, but I'd like to treat her to somethin' special. I'm sure gmail adsense has some suggestions for totesbags on the right hand column of every email I've ever written.

Then, I'll move the whole family to Australia and then we'll get a nice house with a saucy maid and a gourmet cook for her and Susan. I can work for [redacted HR company, wouldn't want them to google this] whenever Crystal falls asleep at her desk or is too hungover to function, writing ads about enabling swift and effective delivery of deliverables. On the weekends I can travel to West Hollywood to hang out with Jackie Warner in her bed. Except I hate airplanes, they make me want to die/throw up. Which is ironic, considering I avoid them because I'm avoiding death via Al Queda, but yet when I get inside one, I'm like, just kill me now, whatever, Praise Hoo-ha.

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6. Fix my G-dforsaken Website, Etc.

Does anyone have some free time and web design skills? [And a steady income not requiring any supplementation whatsoever?] If you've spent any time on OurChart today, I bet you could re-orient that time towards something else, for example, memememeeme. There are no rewards besides that I will link to you [if you want] which'll probs result in about 4-5 additional hits a week on your whatevs [only 2 of those will be from me], and I can make up stuff about you on the blog like "[your name here] gives great head" or "[your name here] said [this funny thing that actually I said]." So basically: no rewards. But I'll like you soooo much. SOOOOOO much. I don't like a lot of people. [Being liked by me=Not really a reward either.] Sigh.

I sorta-fixed my template on auto-straddle but it's still messed up in spots [why are the new widgets at the bottom of the right hand sidebar?!! Anyone?!], and I don't have the time to do that here on auto-win and I want a new template here but I want to keep all my widgets. Also, my main webpage makes me want to scream, like Michael Jackson in the video for "Scream," I hate it. Even just a better banner. I keep making new banners and they keep sucking.

I imagine if you're really good at something, you can do it really fast, right? Also, you can win a free date with Haviland (if you're a lesbian), Natalie (if you're a straight man), Cesar (if you're a smokin' hot gay man) or Lozo (if you're a straight girl) AND all of The L Word Season Four DVDs before they come out in stores. JK about that last part. That'll cost ya. (JK Mica at Showtime, seriously I promise I'm not going to sell them on ebay) (Until I finish this pound of crack rock on my desk, and then anything's fair game. How much would you pay me for Haviland? She's got really pretty hair.) (JK Heather I would never do that to you) (Before you leave for San Diego).

(Also Peter don't worry, I would never sell a date with Natalie. Since she lives in Cleveland right now, I figure I won't have to follow through anyhow. It's just that she's very pretty.)

Also you can have our dog, Heart. She's annoying and pees on the floor every time someone comes over. Also you can have my actual heart. That's right, all the love in my heart. (Warning: Most of it's been torn out and run over, but I do alright with what I've got left, I think.)

No but really. JK about all those things you could get. Yup. Nothing parenthetical about this particular instance of JKing. Howevs, seriously. Just thought I'd ... give it a shot? Email me or comment, or whatever.

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5. Get a Six-Pack

I know, I know. I'm skinny. But why don't I [think I] have a six pack? I mean, aside from the fact that I [feel like I've] gained ten pounds in the last three weeks. That's not so much a result of excessive consumption as it is that I got super-emaciated due to the Depression Diet, and now I'm getting back to normal, which is still skinny, but STILL sans-six-pack. I referenced the Depression Diet (McDonalds and candy, mostly, because you need to motivate yourself to eat anything at all because heartache kills the appetite. A way OUT of a woman's stomach is through her heart, y'all!) in the post-breakup blog, if you're interested in trying it. This is what I'm going for:

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4. To Read A Whole Bunch More Books And Be A Lot Smarter

There are about 10,000 smart-people books I haven't read yet that I really need to read. E.g., Written on the Body, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Howevermany Years of Solitude, Catch-22, To The Lighthouse, The Grapes of Wrath, The Fountainhead, A Room With a View, The Sun Also Rises, Midnight's Children, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man ... ugh, I could go on and on. I'm pretty up on contemporary lit, but I fall short in the backlist. I'm glad I read Jane Eyre already.

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3. Have a Nice Healthy Relationship Involving Love, Mutual Support, Intellectual/Creative Stimulation, Fantastic Mind-Blowing Sex, Independence, Personal Growth, Mutual Interests, Happiness and Stability.

I know, it's a long shot. But look at Portia and Ellen! They're happy. It's possible.

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2. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro

See, my Dad wanted to climb all Seven Summits (the highest peak on every continent) before he died, but clearly that didn't work out. I used to want to do that, but that might be sort of impractical. In any event, one of the ones he did get to is Kilimanjaro, and I'd like to go to the top of that mountain, and be like, "What's up? Here I am."

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1. All These Other Things I Apparently Wanted as of March 24, 2002

In an effort to cut back on time [I think I'm talking about time management so much I can't possibly be doing it. Like "stop talking about time management" should be on my list of "ways to manage time more effectively."], I thought I'd search my hard drive to see if I'd possibly made a similar list at some earlier point in time, which wouldn't surprise me, because I have a lot of random lists on my computer.

And obvs, I found one. When I constructed this list, I should've put "break up with my dumb boyfriend" and "stop drinking Mad Dog 40/40" at the top of the list. Oh well. I could probably make a whole blog just commenting on how I feel about these things now. Maybe I did put "break up with my dumb boyfriend." I guess that's "22." Also, I find "2" hilarious considering that a fear of "2" prevented me from submitting anything anywhere EVER until like, I moved to the city, so it's not like I'd gotten anything.

ALSO: Things I've Totes Done: 2, 4, 11, 12, 13, 31 ... erum 22? Yeah. 22! I think!
[ALSO: for "1," I had this obsession with "Stealing Beauty," the film.]

The List of Things I Wanted on March 24 2002, Completely Un-Edited Despite It's COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING CONTENTS, especially number 33, which I really considered deleting, but thought, no, it's kinda funny, right?

1. go to italy, frolic in vineyards like liv tyler
2. accept, with grace, one very solid rejection letter for a solid manuscript
3. solidify musical taste
4. have a relationship where i don't freak out all the time
5. make the most masterful mix tape ever
6. write a book
7. make a movie
8. learn to grill really well
9. watch/help a friend start a business that promotes independent artistic visions, or else do it myself
10. live with ryan again
11. find a nest with krista
12. join something in which i know not-one; ender bold, unfearing, make honest and uncynical efforts to make new friends
13. make my own website
14. have a darkroom in my house, which i use, a lot
15. learn to draw
16. make yoga a regular part of my life
17. learn to meditate
18. climb mount kilamanjaro
19. have a child
20. get a job at a magazine or a newspaper
21. go to sleep early, consistently, for at least a year
22. learn how to get out of destructive relationships, carve myself into the right ones
23. return all phone calls
24. really love my body, even if i will never have a flat stomach
25. help save a chinese baby
26. travel to india
27. learn something concrete and experiential about zen buddhism
28. gain pregnancy weight and not have a mental breakdown about it
29. cross-country road trip
30. live with jake
31. regain/embrace independence once more before i get married
32. listen, focus, pay attention
33. see the indigo girls with my daughter

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Also, if there was a "34" it would be: "Have a blog with awesome readers like y'all."
Seriously! Not JK at all. Hands down totes dream come true in life.

People Made of Paper: What I Learned From The TV #2

i. Auto-Straddle South of Nowhere Recaps:
Why have 10,000 things to do when you can have 10,001 things to do? Beginning August 10th, I'll be recapping The N's South of Nowhere with Carlytron on Auto-Straddle. ["Chase," your attendance is expected. All other NYC-area quasi-lesbian-television-watchers, your attendance is appreciated.] Go to Auto-Straddle for more info on this project, which ideally will take 85% less time than The L Word recaps, otherwise I'll be spending massive amounts of time indoors during my favorite season, autumn, which is significantly more depressing than being trapped by "Papi's Rules of Poker" while winter and its associated discontents rage outside my dark, dark window. Cause I can't be like "Well, who wants to be out there in the blizzard anyhow?" I'll just be like "Lets go play in the leaves and pick pumpkins! I mean, make screencaps!"

ia. Unrelated.
I miss Michigan in the fall. There were always nice leaves and apples, pumpkins, etc. Also, back then, I looked forward to my birthday as each passing year brought me one step closer to additional life privileges. Now I'm like: "Ew. Gross." Or, rather, "What if, for my 25th birthday, I went to Nation and kissed 25 girls ?!" [Haviland's idea, obvs. Holla!] I was clearly really excited about being allowed to rent cars. Also, sidenote: I've matured so much since then. For example, the idea of kissing 26 girls on my 26th birthday is totally unappealing. And, because Nation is Nation, it'd be the same girls, probs. I just want to put this out there: I would like to go to Chuckie Cheese's this year and kiss 25 Skee-Balls. Okay. Feel free to coordinate a planning committee to deliver on this deliverable ASAP [It is a constant struggle to not constantly bust out in HR-speak right now, as I've been doing a lot of HR copywriting over the past week. And should be doing more. Right now.]

ii. The Reading at the KGB Bar.
So, Tuesday night, I did this reading for this book I'm in called "The Bigger, The Better, The Tighter the Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image, and Other Hazards of Being Female." I sat in the back with Cameron and Krista & Pete, and couldn't see anyone, which's funny, because it's an anthology about beauty and body image and I was really honestly curious to match physical selves to writings-about-physical-selves but could not, for the life of me, see through the masses to the readers at the podium.

Howevs, the essays were even funnier out loud, even if coming from ghost voices, and afterwards, a lot of people said nice things to me, and I signed some books [SURREAL!], and verified my social-interaction disability by being like "I thought you were gonna read!" to the editor of the anthology, who actually DID read, and I remember LOLing, but I didn't know it was her, because I couldn't see. I honestly was paying attention, laughing out loud, enjoying all the works. Also I honestly loved her essay in the book, which I actually read. [seriously.]

iii. Another Reading.
If you missed it, here's a surprising chance to redeem yourself: I'm going to be reading something [seriously, I have no idea what and probably won't until approx. an hour beforehand, drunk, and late] at the Young Artists' Lounge at 365 Days/365 Plays, which I was invited to do by the lovely Jaime/Surplus. Once, there was this GLBT blogger gathering Curly McDimple put together, and when Curly asked if I knew any other queer bloggers to invite, I suggested Jaime even though she's not a lesbian. That was one of the highlights of my career/bad habit in bloggetry.

iv. Chronologically, we are now returning to Tuesday night, the night of The Reading at the KGB Bar.
Afterwards: Carlytron missed the next train to Jersey, Borders was closed, and thus, we settled to do a few laps around the squares loosely defined as Manhattan's Inferno (Penn Station and it's environs). It was, actually, a perfectly temperate night, though the streets were cluttered with kids heading back to various pockets of Jersey to upload their new city-outing SUMMER BREAK '07 photos to facebook ...

Carly: "I love television, and I'm not ashamed to admit it."
Me [genuine]: "I admire that."

And then I thought about writing this segment, and how it is, indeed, frowned/scowled upon to say: "I learned stuff from the TV!" because on so many levels, especially for children, it's a damaging, world-destroying medium. But it's not, often, the shows themselves that are inherently damaging as it is the way in which they're presented and scheduled and often surrounded by/infused with advertising, bizarre promos, randomly inserted news clips, etc. [I've already talked about this like, 100 times, don't worry, I'm stopping. No rants against the miserable state of the universe today. Happiness! Light!]

I thought, maybe I should do "What I Learned From Books," just to be sure I'm still smart. Then I was like, oh, BFD, um, I learned EVERYTHING from books. That's like writing "What Nutrients I've Consumed From Food!" Then I felt better about myself because I put everything into perspective. But also: I realized I am not smart.

Like this is where I learned things:

50%=Actual Life
35%=Books
10%=Internet
5%=Everything Else

v. What I Learned From the TV, Part Two

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The Real World:

On The Real World I learned that pretty girls get their hearts broken, too. I was plagued with fairly severe Insecurity as a pre-teen, and remained convinced well into my teens that all circumstances surrounding my "love life" (my term, then), popularity, ability to make friends and overall success in Middle School were directly correlated to my [real or imagined] decline in physical attractiveness. Somehow, seeing the pretty girls on that show get rejected or be subject to adversity, I was like, Oh, pretty girls have bad things happen, too. Pretty girls are not happy, either.

It was validation, in a way, our first example of how "real" people "lived" in a visual sense. We've always been able to read about the lives of others, but those are controlled narratives--controlled, generally, by the writer themselves. [Like this! Holla!] But this show was different ... it was all the worst bits of us clashed against other bad bits of other sorta-good people and then sliced together like intersecting razorblades, an ingenious social experiment. I mean, seriously, you pick seven strangers to live in a house together: the naive Midwesterner, the tattooed rebel, the Angry Black Man, the moody spoiled musician, the beautiful ambitionless blondes ... this was before the Internet, even, before it was easy enough for a gay man in Idaho to discover there were other gay men in the world just by turning on his PC.

It was before ignorance became criminal rather than circumstantial.

Now we're over it; practiced, complacent, numb. But once upon a time, it felt like people were getting real: like a sophisticated voyeurism, one which transcended the narrative determined by the specified scope of a documentary film or TV program, because it had no purpose besides the immediate validity of everyday life. Now it's The Real World: Gammorha. It's like they just pick people who're likely to get drunk and make out in a hot tub. Is that actually interesting? I can't sit through it. The people get less and less interesting, more clear-skinned, hornier, drunker, less "real." [If they are real, that sucks, I quit.]

Of course, I woulda loved to see what it's like to have a conversation with a stranger surrounding by television cameras and a boom -- I think it's the people around them who actually prevented "reality." The person being followed by the camera, unable to acknowledge it's existence, incorporates it into reality eventually. But to those who are not around it and suddenly become so, their actions are, if anything, the opposite of real.

Also that parody they did of it on Dave Chapelle was like, one of the top 10 comedy sketches ever.

Also, I loved Jacinda. She was like fluffy candy packed together in the shape of a pretty girl in a shimmery scarf. I also loved Dan in Miami and Norm from New York. Elka was beautiful and I cried my eyes out when she went to visit her mother's grave. When Tami got an abortion in LA, I was like, note to self: do not get preggers.

We got addicted to London and wanted to be on it, wanted to live in London with an edgy boyfriend like Neil. Wanted to be Jacinda, god, wanted to be Jacinda, wanted to sleep with Jacinda, wake up with Jacinda and her cute accent. Would've given anything. I thought about London all the time, when I wasn't thinking about New York, or what'd it be like to die. I liked that it was rainy all the time, even. I plotted my escape constantly.

Boston was my favorite season. I think Genesis was the first femme lesbian I ever knew of, really. Remember how that guy's girlfriend's name was TIMBER? I'm gonna name my first daughter TIMBER and then have another kid and name it PAUL BUNYAN.

Tangent:

Reality TV was like what we had before the Internet to see what it was like to be someone else when not reading a script, and a way to see it immediately, beamed into your space, in a way books can't be because you have to go out of your space to retrieve it, and then select it. The TV comes to you when you want it, and I feel often that's more of an effect on it's appeal than anything about visuals. Because clearly people can and do read, we read voraciously online. We read online because we're used to television: to getting the exact content we want without getting off our lazy butts. Actually my butt is not lazy, so really I'm talking about most people, not special people like me.

My So-Called Life:

They did the literary name drop all the time; Shakespeare's Sonnet CXIII was the most memorable. This's the first time Jordan Catalano ever participates in class, because he totes knows why Shakespeare's mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun. Actually, Brian knows ["She's not just a fantasy. She's got flaws. She's real."] but Jordan takes a break from his illiteracy when the teacher inquires: "So, Shakespeare's not in love with her?" Jordan's like: "Yeah. He is." There's some grammatical subject-agreement issues with Jordan's response, regardless of meaning, but still, it's like, really romantic, like when someone looks into your eyes and sees straight into your soul. I re-created this scene in every screenplay/teleplay I wrote as an adolescent, using other works of literature in class discussion to bash my audience over the head with my point and sound smart, like I read books.

Here's an example from my screenplay, "High on Life," a thinly veiled dramatization of the actual relationship between a boy I had a crush on and a girl I had a crush on. He was "troubled": did drugs, skipped class, etc. His girlfriend didn't know how to help him. Life is rough for upper middle class white kids in cushy liberal Midwestern college towns, you know?

EXCERPT FROM 'HIGH ON LIFE,' MOST EXCELLENT SCREENPLAY AND BY THAT I MEAN MOST TERRIBLE, COPYRIGHT REE-REE 1996

MRS. MEIR: How do you think Ismene feels? Heather?

HEATHER: I don't know. Scared?

MRS. MIER: Sort of ... Anna?

ANNA: She kind of feels like, helpless. She knows what's gonna happen to Antigone--but it's like, she can't do anything, or talk to anyone about it, 'cause no one can find out about it.

Even Kyle is quiet now. Everyone is listening. Her friends understand what she's really talking about.

ANNA: Because if someone found out, she knows that'd be like a death sentence for her sister, and she loves her sister a lot and doesn't want her to get into trouble. But her sister is just being so--stupid! She doesn't understand the consequences--well, she knows them, she just doesn't think they like, apply to her. She thinks that it'll be okay, that it's worth it. And Ismene just has to stand by ... and watch her sister go down.

MRS. MEIR: Excellent Anna, excellent.

There is silence in the classroom.

Deep, huh?

My So-Called Life also used Our Town beautifully; it still makes me cry sort of. And it was when my BFF and I were on the outs, and we'd been in Our Town together, I was the stage manager and she was Mrs. Soames.

Queer as Folk:

I used to wish I was a gay man. I don't know why, really. I think I just liked their style. I'd get jealous if I watched movies or TV shows about gay guys because it'd just make me wish I was one, and I couldn't be, which's totes annoying.

I know I'd find Brian Kinney less hot if he was straight, I'd find that dance scene ending Season One less romantic, less Top-Ten-Best-Scenes-Ever-Worthy. In fact, I'd probs find him chauvinistic and unkind, but it's so much different without the inherent power dynamics of heterosexual relationships, the centuries of unkindness between the sexes that erupt under the lights of a relationship, no matter how brief. [Disclaimer: I don't think I'm right or anyone else should think this. It's just how I feel about it. Today.]

Queer sex is hot. Maybe it's 'cause we're bombarded with so much explicit heterosexual imagery that I've become numb and bored of it, maybe it's that I've just come to find the process of creating sexual energy without the inherent biological puzzle-pieces offered by man/woman much more compelling, but given the choice, I'd hands down totes prefer to watch a man-on-man sex scene than a woman-on-man sex scene. It's transgression; it's deviation, it's Tina's special secret club and it's back rooms and it's largely unexploited at this point, if you don't seek it out.

Or, even if you do: it's paltry, it's insufficient, it's the tip of ten thousand superior icebergs.

Or else it's just hot, that's all. It's still fun and fresh, which's rare on teevee now.

When I watched QAF I didn't want to date Brian Kinney. I wanted to be a boy and date Brian Kinney. I was about to write: "He'd probably break my heart," but no one ever thinks that'll be them, that guy with the broken heart, right? You're going to change Brian Kinney. You'll be the one to break Jordan Catalano or Shane or Brian Kinney right open; and you can't do that simply by getting them literally naked, because we all know they'll do that for anyone. Maybe that willingness for physical revelation is what makes the illusive, walled-off interior so much more appealing. It's our least logical, most destructive selves that convinces us to pine for hearts like Brian Kinney's: hearts fit for deviant art.

But maybe that should be enough? Just the company, sans expectation.

*
"We are gasping, quiet, in the dark, and then the wash of violet and night tornadoes through my legs and up behind my eyes, plumbs and spirals my spine, and I know if I can keep feeling like this I'll be okay, if I can feel like this I'm not dead, I won't die. Life is sad. Here is someone."
(Lorrie Moore, Anagrams)
*
life is sad. here is someone.
*

But no one ever really changes, not for long, right? You can't change people. But people change me all the time. I think that's because I don't know who I am, or, maybe, because I don't like who I am a lot of the time -- otherwise I'd be more firm, probs, about keeping myself intact. Consequently, I tend to think I can change people, too. Don't we all want to get better? As people? I mean, isn't that the point?

Isn't that why we tell these stories? Because we like character development? We want to see people develop? Evolve? We are static, physically, glued to couches to watch stories which're all, really, transformation stories, and then we're hopeful that one day we, too, will break into blossom, will resolve the disaparity between our faltering egos and our wild, ambitious capes, flapping aimlessly behind us while we fly blindly, straining away? I still believe that--dumbly or because I have to in order to go on--that we can and will change, that we want to get along, that we're not stubborn, judgmental, stagnant, that we want to make each other happy. That we've not become too self-centered as a human species to ever truly create relationships of all kinds with other humans, to be selfless, to believe in the radical idea that someone else might have a better idea, that judgment is tricky business because everything's relative ...

I didn't learn that on teevee. I just made it up.

*

... Once upon a time there lived a girl. She slept in a lovely little cottage made of gingerbread and candy. She was always asleep. One morning she woke up and the candy had mold on it. Her father blew her a kiss and the house fell down. She realized she was lost. She found herself walking down a crowded street, but the people were made of paper, like paper dolls. She blew everyone a kiss goodbye and watched as they blew away ...

Sunday Top 10: You're Coming Out, I Want the World to Know

The cover of "The National Enquirer" this week promises to tell you who is gay and who isn't. This is an interesting premise (I mean, granted, we're talking about a paper that built it's empire on stories about Michael Jackson impregnating three thousand pound aliens and giving birth to cat babies), which somehow seems less fun than talking about who is giving birth to alien babies. And then there's Perez Hilton, that savvy blogger with the site and the money and the photos, who has been outing people for a few weeks, which makes some people pissed, some people smile, and some people develop anxiety disorders and then lose their mind and then muzzle Kelly Ripa on Daytime TV. Personally, I think it's all a bit silly, because as the Late Great Kurt Cobain said, everyone is gay.

I don't think who Clay Aiken wants to boink is nearly as important as a lot of other things that are being kinda-sorta covered up right now. And Jodie Foster? Really? Really! You don't say.

SUNDAY TOP TEN: THEY'RE COMING OUT, I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW

10. East Harlem would like to come out as not being "the next East Village." Also, it's not the next Lower East Side, or even the next West Village, or the next Tribeca or the next No-Ho. East Harlem is the next East Harlem.

This is the view from my ex-East Harlem apartment on 115th street, where Krista and I set up our happy warm hardwood-floored home from September of 2004-January of 2006. Our block was really quite lovely, except for the morning that Krista stepped over a dead person on her way to the train and called me in a total state.

East Harlem itself lacked many things (a place to buy tampons after 11pm, a safe street at night from the subway, a good grocery store, fresh-direct east of First Avenue, food delivery from a various international locales besides Mexico, China, and PizzaLand, an office supply store, a reliable crosstown bus), but East Harlem if you like that kind of thing is a fantastic place to breathe and walk in this city, because it has a life and culture that the East Village no longer has (in case you count twenty-year-old girls whining that they didn't want avocado in their Soosh-aaahy while wearing $500 sweatpants as "a culture"), but don't sign the lease for that $700/month steal expecting Mimi Marquez to come barreling down the street in hot pants and beg you--you the melancholy former junkie/musician from Scarsdale-- to come out tonight because her "body's talkin" to her and her body is saying "time for DANGER," that it wants to "commit a crime," "be the cause of a fight," and "put on a tight skirt and FLIRT with a STRANGER!" So you know, take your striving back to Williamsburg. If you like: 1. Goya products, 2. A street fair for the entire month of July which means Elephant Ears and flying children, 3. The frequent opportunity to purchase four neon pink thongs for 4.99--go to East Harlem. But there is no Angelica's Kitchen, no hypothetical Live Cafe, no Tunnel nightclub, no cute girly boutiques that advertise in Bust magazine, no lesbian mystery bookstores and no Nyuorcian Poets. And there ain't gonna be, you "young professional" you.

Also, it's really far away.

9. Friday Night Would Like to Come Out as Thursday Night, and vice versa: Call me crazy, but I think Friday night is the absolute best night to stay in and clean. Why? Because you can watch "The N" (new episodes of Degrassi and South of Nowhere) while you wash dishes for 1.5 hours, and you are tired anyhow and it's hard to deal with people after a long work week and because also:

"Why not make your life easier? I mean, life is so fucking hard, even when it's easy." (Margaret, Six Feet Under)

Thursday night is the sexiest night of the week. So just do what you wanna do then. Everything is too crowded on Friday night.

8. Meeting for Lunch would like to come out as Eating Not Just a $10.75 Plate of Mixed Greens and Petrified Grilled Chicken, but as also Eating Up Your Whole Goddamn Day.

7. Drew Barrymore Would Like to Come out as Thin. Why is she continually held up as an example of a woman who is "voluptuous?" I saw her once and she is the tiniest thing ever. Not as tiny as Shane, who is SO much thinner in person than I ever even imagined which means that Sarah Shahi must be like, ridiculously tiny too (like Drew Barrymore), and y'all need to eat a sandwich, all of y'all.

6. College Degrees Would Like to Come Out as Relatively Useless Pieces of Paper: However, it remains a less useless piece of paper than a high school diploma. So you know, study kids, (sound of whip snapping), children, I said study!

5. Jennifer Lopez would like to come out as a Replicant. Seriously, why is she on the cover of every magazine all the time? The thing about J-Lo is that she has done a lot of things that are very pleasant and entirely forgettable. Aside from maybe Selena (which I didn't see) and that music video where she's almost naked with that pole and the shimmery gold costumes or something, I can't credit her with making any great contributions to the artistic universe. Except for her ass. Oh and I heart her lingerie line.

I'm not even gonna talk about Gigli, because at least that shit was so bad it was memorable. I'm talkin' about Shall We Dance. About Maid in Manhattan, Jersey Girl, The Wedding Planner, Monster-in-Law.

If they are throwing her in there all the time just to add some diversity to the Charlize Theron/SJP/Paris Hilton/Meg Ryan rotation, here's some suggestions for other potential Hispanic cover girls:
Rosario Dawson, Iyari Limon, Rosie Perez, Daphne Ruben-Vega, Roma Maffia, Penelope Cruz, Selma Hayeck, Elizabeth Vargas, Michelle Rodreguiez, Alexas Bledel, Sarah Shahi.

Anyhow, she's on the cover of Harper's this month. Second time this year. I'm just sayin'. What did she do this time? Is she going to say something cool in her interview really? I mean, Angelina Jolie gives a good interview. J-Lo? Really? When I see her on the cover of magazines, she always is airbrushed so much she hardly looks like anyone at all. Which is why I, on behalf of Bladerunner, must let you know that she is not a real person, she is a replicant.



4. I AM: The Girl Who Stepped On Your Feet, Ran Into Your Century 21 Bag, Elbowed You in the Face, etc.
That was me. Yup. I'm actually totally over it. This is a crowded city, you gotta hustle.

3. The Following PlayList would like to Come Out as the Only Thing For Grey December:

Elliot Smith. Somebody That I Used To Know
Jeff Buckley. Lilac Wine
Feist. Lonely Lonely (Frisbee'd Mix)
Depeche Mode. World in my Eyes
Rufus Wainwright. The Art Teacher
Azure Ray. November
Ave Maria
Heavenly. She and Me
Delibes. Dome Epais
Radiohead. Nice Dream
R.E.M. New Orleans Instrumental Number 1
Ani DiFranco. Shrug
Imogene Heap. Hide and Seek
Jeff Buckley. So Real
Melissa Ferrick. Break Up Song
Leonard Cohen. Everybody Knows
Tom Waits. Tom Traubert's Blues

2.I'd like to out myself and most of my friends as not having it all together. That's right. We are all a huge mess. Standing by the door last night, on my way out to make a mess of things, I looked at two friends and said "We're a sad bunch, aren't we?" and I said "I need to get ready to go out" and she said to me: "Don't go out there. Things get worse out there, in the world."

What are we doing, where are we going, we are striving like monkeys following dreams that look like bananas and we're happy to see you, or maybe just pretending we are. We are trying, this is our time at the edge, we even carve out little pieces of this imaginary online universe to tell each other who we are without getting reactions right in our faces or our ears, so we can control somehow the output, the image, the response, the reverb. This is our time at the edge?


1. I read something really beautiful today in the form of a short essay by Brian Doyle in The American Scholar, as reprinted in The Best American Essays 2005. I luckily found the entire essay transcribed here and you should check that out asap. If you are too lazy, here is just the last paragraph from Joyas Valadoras:

“So much held in a heart in a lifetime. So much held in a heart in a day, an hour, a moment. We are utterly open with no one, in the end--not mother and father, not wife or husband, not lover, not child, not friend. We open windows to each but we live alone in the house of the heart. Perhaps we must. Perhaps we could not bear to be so naked, for fear of a constantly harrowed heart. When young we think there will come one person who will savor and sustain us always; when we are older we know this is the dream of a child, that all hearts finally are bruised and scarred, scored and torn, repaired by time and will, patched up by force of character, yet fragile and rickety forevermore, no matter how ferocious the defense and how many bricks you bring to the wall. You can brick up your heart as stout and tight and hard and cold and impregnable as you possibly can and down it comes in an instant, felled by a woman's second glance, a child's apple breath, the shatter of glass in the road, the words ‘I have something to tell you,’ a cat with a broken spine dragging itself into the forest to die, the brush of your mothers papery ancient hand in the thicket of your hair, the memory of your fathers voice early in the morning echoing from the kitchen where he is making pancakes for his children."