Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Sunday Top Ten: Calendar Girl Who's In Love With The World Stay Alive

OMG y'all it's 2008!!! So far, so good: I've already eaten a lot of cookies, I'm making french fries right now to compliment my dinner of Wheat Thins, and, as far as I know, no one's died, landed in the hospital, gotten fired or gotten their heart broken [yet]. I'm happy with how I rang in the New Year because Zoey made confetti cake, which's delicious. Any year that begins with eating confetti cake is bound to be a good year.

I'd planned on jumping right back into the Year in Review today, but June '07 seemed like a really depressing way to start out January '08, so I'll post it later this week and then ... onwards & upwards with that "Year in Review" thing. For now ... 'cause it's Wednesday, it's clearly time for the Sunday Top Ten.


10. I'm Entering a New Stage of Hairstyle Development:
If you paid close attention to the YIR vlog, you'd've noticed that my hair is growing, like a tree reaching for the sky or a baby worm becoming an adult worm. Presently, my Haviland-for-Cream cut is evolving into the "behind-the-ear-tuckage potential" stage. This presents a plethora of all-new Style and Fashion possibilities.

9. National Lampoon's Lesbian Vacation:
So many exciting vacations are in the works, including the much-anticipated March journey to Hipster Festival "South by Southwest" in Austin, Texas. They show super-rad movies and have panels about Web 2.0 and there's rock 'n roll bands for kids with feelings and visions. Like me! Since I'm a stellar advance planner who probs won't really think about the fact that I'm going to SXSW until Crystal shows up in New York to remind me, I've yet to purchase tickets to anything (probs sold out now?) because I'm totes convinced that somehow, between now and then, I'll become terribly successful and famous and obvs The New Yorker will be paying me to cover SXSW for them and'll get me press passes. They were all over Lez Girls by Jenny Schecter, and clearly I've got one-up on her, as I've never killed a dog to get a girl before. Anyhoo.

8. New Year's Resolutions
Being the rebellious damn-the-man hiptard that I am, I rarely take New Year's Resolutions seriously. I mean: isn't every day another chance to turn it all around (or not)? Howevs, this year, I've got about 100. I need to write them down, I should put that on my '08 To-Do List. Also, I don't need to lose ten pounds or quit smoking, so that's covered. I should resolve to go to the gym regularly, because I already do that, so I could be like "Congrats, self!" Anyhow, let's take a look at my 21st century History of Resolutions:

2000 - Celebrate every national holiday to the fullest, including President's Day, and "have as much fun as possible."
2002 - Stop knocking over that glass of water by my bed. (I slept on a tiny dorm-bed sized mattress on the floor and always had a glass of water by my bed and then in the morning I'd always knock it over and then my floor would always be wet.)
2003 - Break up with my boyfriend Chris. (I did that immediately, at about 12:20 A.M. on January 1st in the basement of Phi Sig, while preparing a grilled cheese for his "brother" Walter using Walter's brand new sandwich-maker. I'd like a sandwich maker, actually, that thing was awesome. I quoted this Stephen Dunn in my journal: "How attractive trouble feels/in paradise. The place next door/where pain is an option/begins to whisper.")
2004 - "I want to be strong, I want to laugh along, I want to belong to the living." (-Joni Mitchell) (Yeah. I know.)
2005- Apparently I had consumed far too much alcohol to make a resolution. My diary from the 31st includes insights like "I am writing IN PENCIL! WHO WRITES in PENCIL? Where is KRISTA? I'm ready to GO OUT!"
2006- DREAM LIFE 2006: this was Lo and I's plan to make our lives into everything we'd ever wanted/dreamed of by getting an apartment together in Williamsburg and executing as much fabulosity as possible. It was a mostly abstract idea and seemed great in theory -- in practice, it involved a lot of yelling, which wasn't really what I had in mind when I said 'Dream Life 2006,' but that's just me, to each his own, obvs.
2007- Write the book proposal, like, now.

2008 - Preliminary possibilities include waking up at the same time every morning, setting aside at least an hour a day to jut read (books), being more organised, writing a daily schedule for myself and celebrating every National Holiday to the fullest, including President's Day.

7. I'm Going to Write my Book!
"You're gonna write the best book ever." -Cait.
No seriously, last year around this time I started pushing ahead w/full strength -- and miraculously I did follow through on my self-imposed deadlines. And, well, that seems like a lifetime ago. Now that I've reoriented both the book plan and my brain ... it's gonna rock. Totes.

6. Season Five of The L Word [recaps ]!
My roommate Zoey's girlfriend asked me to name a teevee show I actually do enjoy and think is a good show, 'cause maybe it's not that I don't like The L Word, it's that I don't like television. Good point, and probably true.

But anyhow. I thought of these (some then, some since) shows -- limited to shows I've actually seen -- and I'd stand behind 'em: Six Feet Under, The West Wing, Queer as Folk, Reno 911, My So-Called Life, The Office, The Daily Show, Will & Grace, Arrested Development, Sex and the City, Ellen (her sitcom), Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, The Simpsons, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Daria, Law and Order: SVU, Twin Peaks, Quantum Leap, Family Guy, The Chapelle Show. Ta-da! No, obvs I love The L Word. Best show ever, totes.

5. Les Mis is closing on January 6th!
As you may recall, earlier this year the members of the Stagehands' Union Hooha had a lot of feelings and therefore went on strike. Consequently, Haviland didn't have to go to to work anymore and was actually able to hang out at night! So! Soon it's gonna be like permanent strike, unless she gets hired to go be a movie star in China or wherever they make movies these days. I just know they make a lot of stuff in China. The only movie I saw this year was Juno, it took place in L.A. I think, or Vancouver, I dunno, I just know where they make The L Word (Vancouver). Oh yeah, go see it before it closes. Super fun for the whole family.

4. New President!
I'm not exactly your go-to girl for up-to-the-minute political news, but, having been raised in a super-political household (My Dad literally went as imaginary superhero "Super-Democrat" to the Halloween party thrown by his Harvard Business School colleagues) and being a person who's pretty fucking passionate about a lot of issues seriously not just how bad the l word is, I'll probs have a lot of opinions about this election thing. Right now I'm thinking I'll probs go with the same strategy I used at U of M when voting for student assembly which was to vote for people I knew and people with ethnic-sounding names, which I think means I'm voting for Barack Obama. Actually, I don't know, honestly. We'll see. Right now Haviland is thinking Hillary and I like to stand with Haviland. But whatevs -- obvs I cannot wait for 2009, when George W. Bush will no longer be president. I can't fucking believe it's lasted this long. It's humiliating.

3. Entertainments
Maybe this year I'll go the movies like a good little robot. Srsly though; I think movies are a valuable art form, I should spend more time exposing myself to their possibilities 'cause I think that's how creative people get better at what they do is by experiencing other artworks out of their chosen field. Everyone knows this, I could've just told you that I think reading is good for you or that peanut butter is boss. Anyhow, they're turning a lot of books I've enjoyed into movies this year: Peter Jackson's doing The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold) and there's also How To Lose Friends & Alienate People (Toby Young) and Choke (Chuck Pahlinuk). The book's always better than the movie, though, we all know that.

But you know what's gonna be really super awesome for real? Dave Eggers has adapted Where the Wild Things Are for the screen and it's being directed by Spike Jonze with Catherine O'Hare, Jen from Dawson's Creek and Catherine Keener. Automatic brill.

Hey, remember when Angelina Jolie actually did interesting movies? WTF? I used to like her, but now every movie she's in just makes me want to yawn so hard my head falls off.

2. Fun with Automechanics
I feel like the Auto-Empire (I mean that ironically. You know that, right? Like trust me, I'm still feeling like this whole thing is a massive conspiracy and I'll turn out to be a fraud, which's insane because I know I'm not, but also, think (yes, sure, certain) that I am.) is gonna get more funner to the mostest this year. For one, there's the Auto-Merch, which's hot and will become hotter. There's gonna be contests and riese's next top model. Um, also, it'll be really fun when Carly and I get our show on teevee. Also, I plan on increasing my efficiency and therefore I'm seeking for an illegal immigrant interested in working for me for $2/hour or less, plus unlimited ramen noodles and backrubs. If you have a blog, I'll link to you and you'll get 2-3 additional hits a day. JK. I'd never exploit anyone except memememememe.

Anyway where was I? Oh yes: the future. Right-o, looks like it's gonna be a sunshine day. Yeah -- auto-straddle's gonna have more interactive content, we're rollin' with the vlogs and I'll ideally figure out a way to get it done faster sans exploitation. And here, obvs, I will keep writing words here, publishing them on the interweb, and then being like blablabla to everyone about mememememe. Unfortunately, I'm no longer taking ambien, so there won't be as much "w===iS I===o I will have to type tommorw to fic his blog becauer it his very bad norw." Until I can get my hands on some ambien. JK, that one was for you, Mr. Redacted. Also I just got a kickass email from Layla Love, the beautiful & talented woman responsible for the photo that was turned into a graphic for the Auto-Apparel (see photo, right) about future 2008 awesomenessness.

Also, speaking of Alex Vega who designed the auto-apparel, my website's gonna look cooler too. This is one of those things that only matters to me and Haviland so I should stop talking. This is like sitting in on someone writing their to-do list, which's a real snooze.

1. Additional Attention
Some upcoming publications: my R-Family Cruise article in Curve magazine (nearish future) & the "Fucking Around" story in the Dirty Girls anthology (April). Also, still you know, accepting ideas for another Guestbian column, like maybe I could ask myself "What is love?" or "What's love got to do with it?" or "How long 'til my soul gets it right?"

Also, I think just that things are gonna kinda hit an upward trajectory into Awesome super-soon. And if it doesn't, then I guess, you know, I'll just wait for the next joke. I'm ending the June/pre-cruise July recap with the last paragraph of a post I did in June, but maybe I'll just use it here instead. Yes, I'm quoting myself. But I don't think of it as quoting so much as "cut and pasting."

"Sometimes it takes a while for the point to emerge from the madness, but I'm pretty satisfied right now with the possibility at my fingertips, a million unfinished lines shooting out of my nails like Wolverine's claws -- but gentle, hesitant, non-violent and reaching towards attention. I'm blindly groping for what it is we're waiting for, but kinda pretty sure, every now and then, that I can ... and will ... get it?"

Never mind, let's end with David Bowie:

"You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it and the clocks waits so patiently on your song, you walk past a cafe but you don't eat when you've lived too long ...
No matter what or who you've been, no matter when or where you've seen all the knives seem to lacerate your brain, I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain, you're not alone." (Rock 'n Roll Suicide)

"Starman waiting in the sky
He'd like to come and meet us
But he thinks he'd blow our minds
There's a Starman waiting in the sky
He's told us not to blow it
Cause he knows it's all worthwhile."
(David Bowie, Starman)


Prin said...

lol- I love your resolutions list. Full circle. :)

Happy New Year. :)

in kc said...

Good to see all the potential for the upcoming year! I'd help with the efficiency thing but I have nothing valuable to offer with regard to your website. Also, I don't even know if I'd be an option since I am not an illegal immigrant, but am a legal resident (of, really? almost like foreign territory, right?).
By the way, I just randomly ran across a clip on Youtube of Haviland singing I Dreamed a Dream in a vintage clothing shop. Nothing says weirdo #8 better than that.

Chrissy Jacobs said...

See, I'm so damn lazy I could never accomplish all those resolutions in one year. So I'm sticking with continuing to learn how to speak French. Then when I find myself a hottie, I can be all "Bonjour! Les chaussures intéressantes! Voulez-vous dormir avec moi?"* and not sound like I'm speaking Chinese.

*Translation: "Hey! Nice shoes! Wanna fuck?" Obvs.

But whatevs.

Stephanie said...

Dar Williams did a cover of Starman; it was fantastic.

Happy new year!

MLissa said...

So..I haven't commented in awhile, but I have been reading. Of everyting you've listed here I am most whole-heartedly rooting for the book. In fact, I can't wait to read your published book one day. I feel like it IS going to be big for you - and I know, through your writing, that you have greatness in you, and are in fact destined for it.
Oh, and as a side-note - I went to NYC after Christmas and imagine my surprise when a slip of paper fell out of my Les Mis program announcing that my favorite autowin sidekick would go on as Fantine that afternoon. :) Go Haviland, you were awesome! We cheered loudly at curtain call for you.

Daria said...

actually Juno takes place in Minnesota, and the only reason i'd like to throw that out is cause I live in this miserable place (for now). So it's sort of like the ONLY thing i'm proud of at the moment...

let that little fact be known!

Ollie said...

chrissy jacobs, that would definitely not get you French ass. "dormir" is really sleeping for us. So unless your utmost fantasy is verifying if snoring actually can sound gallic you should compliment our cigarettes:
"Bonjour, les cigarettes interessantes. Voulez-vous faire l'amour avec moi?"
And the answer would be of course brief blissful and the like. Happy new year every autocommenter!

Chrissy Jacobs said...

ollie - See, that's exactly my point. I gotta learn the language before I can start seducing people with it. High school didn't teach me shit, obvs. =]

rocketdyke said...

happy new year. getting up at the same time every morning is really hard, i havent been able to do it, even though ive been trying since last year. but when you can, its amazing how so many other things in your life start getting more organized and under control. so good luck with that, its a worthy goal.

Ms. Jackson said...

Ya know what's great? Reading this blog when I'm at work, scrolling down and seeing Helena all nakey covering up her titty bits. Good times.

Cheers to you and the new year!

caitttttt said...

so far 2008 has been pretty amazing for me, i am totally loving it and i am super glad that it is good for you. i feel weird that everything is so good, but no doom for the future, everything's gonna be alrighttt.

i feel like 2008 will be the year of only good things, also i like your resolutions, obvs ur gonna write the best book ever, no worries guys. lol.

rk said...

another fantastic bowie advice: take your proteine pills and put your helmet on! i didn't follow this rule. maybe that's why i don't use my bicycle very often. i'm weak musclewise and helmets look ridiculous in my humble opinion.

you might like this book by helen walsh if you don't know it already. here is the 1st chapter:

happy new year!

riese said...

Prin: Watch out for President's Day is all I gotta say.

in kc: I've never been to kansas, so it's foreign territory to me. I hear they have violent storms but also that somewhere over the rainbow something something something? holla?

Chrissy: See, I think of it like this -- I'm a little annoying and I talk a lot, so it's probs the less they can understand the better. This is why I like deaf girls.

Stephanie: If perchance you've got it and feel like sending it to me, y'know, I accept donations in the form of mp3s.

Daria: Ah ha! That's why C.J had that accent. Was it filmed in Minnesota too?

Ollie: Thank you for providing your assistance in translation, um, mercivoku or something. How do I say "Hello, I like your cigarettes, do you live with your parents?" and then "Perfect, it's okay, we can go to my place."

rocketdyke: See that? See what you did there? That was the little extra push and motivation I needed to make this resolution a reality.

Ms. Jackson: It could be better, it coulda been the time I put Shane's mouth on Paige's erect nipple at the bottom of the post.

caitttt: I feel weird that everything is so good too, but I figure we can handle it obvs, no worries. now come homeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! please.

rk: Yah, helmets always make me look like Atom Ant, I used to wear my friend Matty's skateboarding helmet, it seemed more badass. Then he took it back, and I sold my bike to move out of Brooklyn, and here we are. I love that song though, Haviland and I have a memorable old email thread titled 'ground control to major tom.' thank you for the book rec, I'll check it out.

Crystal said...

2008 will totally rock. As will SxSW. I don't know what'll sell out, but 9 out of 10 people think we'll have a killer time anyway. The 10th person voted for George W, so, whatever, you know.

I'll be around for a few eps of the L Word, so I'm gonna pay close attention to the recaps this season, you know, I don't want to rock up and not understand the "plot".

Allie said...

I heart Dar Williams. It's been a long time since I've dug out those mp3s. I'll have to find them tonight (they are, like four computers ago, so probs on a CD of high school research papers). But my real point: Reno911? Really, Riese? Really?

Lozo said...

2008 is better already. it just is.

hey, are you excited for law and order tonight? with jack mccoy as the DA and the dad from batman begins as the new mccoy? it also has the nate's girlfriend's crazy brother as a cop.

Stephanie said...


ollie said...

Riese: "Bonjour, j'adore tes cigarettes!"
Random French person: "Blah blah blah boyshorts."
Riese: "Chez toi?"

Fragolina said...

I was totally just listening to "Calendar Girl" today! It might be my favorite song off the Set Yourself on Fire album.

So far I love 2008 and am excited about what's to come, to the point where I'm now getting suspicious that something is destined to go terribly wrong. But that's because I'm neurotic. And have watched way too many movies.

Also, I have never studied French, but I believe "voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?" also works as a proposition. (Gitcha Gitcha ya ya da da.)

dewey said...

2008 is awesome for me so far because i bought a new laptop today!!!

And you wanna know what web page i visited first once I'd got it set up....guess.....??

This one of course!!!!

Also, as New Years resolutions are always broken, mine will be to come out....cos obviously tht isnt gonna joking, of course i will....


elec-tri-city said...

OMG (totally channeled one of my 15 yr old students there-- and okay, it felt good to let loose with a solid OMG).

Dave Eggers?? Spike Jonze?? Catherine KEENER??? All at once, kind of, in that artistic-movie-making way? MAX AND THE MONSTERS?

Forgive my caps. I'm apparently unable to control my excitement.

Word Ver: epxwc.
I feel good about that, somehow. and OMG x2. I did not Word Ver correctly. Brilliant.

a;ex said...

I'm super excited about the next stage in your hairstyle development as well.
I mean, not that it wasn't already fabulous...
It totally was!/still is!/will continue to be! (for many years!)

Did you say something about actually celebrating holidays? Wait... ALL OF THEM??!

Thanks for the name-droppin... omg 2008 is pretty delicious already...

Annie said...

allie -- Yes, believe it! Reno 911 rules a lot of the time. It's totes hit or miss but when it's on it is ON.

riese -- I love the title (and album) "Set Yourself On Fire." Music that makes you want to kill yourself is actually my fave genre, so I appreciate that Stars went ahead and made it an official order.

chrissy faith said...

The 2nd day of '08 is officially the best so far for me. I now have another niece, who's named Holly (took long enough, right Haviland?). She already auto-wins because she came out with a legit huge black mohawk. Her parents and sister were all born with a wisp of blonde hair. She kind of kicks ass already.

I think this year will be awesome.

eric mathew said...

hillary would be totes amazing. i worked with her press people at the philadelphia debate and they were nice to me so they get my vote. les miz closing is sad...but maybe hav could just re-enact it on an upcoming blog? think it through.

Jenners said...

Riese... I do not know who I am either. Your blog kinda inspires me to figure me out. Your words are amazing.

Peach said...



and I love 6 Feet Under - have you seen the whole lot? You should also see Greys Anat...


riese said...

crystal: Yes, if you miss the complicated and deeply thought out "plotlines" or "character development" on the l word ... well, you're really missing out on the "best" "part" of this "great show."

Allie: I heart her too. She's like a real folk singer, you know? Like she tells stories and stuff, that's why i love her so. Clever lyrics. February=perfect song for February.

Reno 911 is a GREAT SHOW. Seriously, it is hilarious and well done, the actors working on the show are exceptionally talented. I'm sure there's some bad episodes here and there, but they've never disappointed me.

Lozo: I don't think I've seen L&O in ages, but I wouldn't let Billy anywhere near a loaded gun, that guy is CA-RAZY. (also, it's "nate's girlfriend's crazy brother" as well as "nate's sister's crazy boyfriend" -- god i love that show.)

Ollie: Bla bla bla chez toi cigarettes hollihay!

Fragolina: There's something so beautiful about the song, the chorus of it, and I think part of it is that it kinda doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, language - wise ... but like, it's okay that it doesn't. It's like, excusable.

dewey: That, obvs, is the best way to start out the new year. You're off to a rip-roaring start.

.... totally!

elec-tri-city: OMG is the new "neat!" for old people like me in their mid-twenties. and re: where the wild things are OMG I KNOW WAAAA!??!?!

a;ex: You are on top of it ... with the quotes! And will continue to be for many years ...

Annie: Thanks for backing me up on Reno 911. And "Music that makes you want to kill yourself is actually my fave genre, so I appreciate that Stars went ahead and made it an official order." made me LOL.

chrissy faith: Yay for new life with a mohawk, holla!

eric: Sold. Totally sold. I think Hav'll need a waiting period post-show before she can stand the music again, but I'm open to dreaming a dream whenevs, as we all know I've got a great voice. Maybe we could do Les Mis without the music. I believe there is a prison escape, a lot of fighting, and some baby daddy drama. It's like The L Word.

Jenners: (thank you)

Peach: I have seen al of Six Feet Under ... it's my favorite show of all time I think it's the best show ever made. I actually did see the first season of Grey's but haven't since ... I know that it's just how teevee is, but something about all those attractive doctors in one hospital is too much for me to handle. Every time i go to the hospital I'm like, y'all's ugly.

Fragolina said...

Riese -- Totes. (Though, I am a huge fan of music that makes no sense, so perhaps I'm biased. It's why I listen to Of Montreal.) Also, I love how deliciously cinematic this song (and really the entire Stars oeuvre) is -- their songs call up scenes/images so easily. And they really rock that girl/boy sort of call-and-response counter-vocals thingy.

All right, enough expounding on Stars.

Haviland Stillwell said...

you're all making me LOL.

Riese, darling, this was a great post...I'm sorry, there's a lot going on, I haven't had much time to devote to the auto-universe, but this weekend, I feel will make up for that.


caitlinmae said...
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caitlinmae said...
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caitlinmae said...

grammatical disasters aside-
happy new year.

Can't wait to see what the newly free Haviland has in store for your hair.

Also, as one who occasionally dabbles in making them, movies can be pretty kickass. and 2008 is looking like a great year for movies.(OMG WTF WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE????)
Also, for music.
Also, for the L word (more sex? more helena boobies? WHABAM) Also, Juno totes made me rebelieve in love. Or maybe that was just kimya dawson.

Also, I'm looking very Auto today thanks to some SPEEDY delivery! Y'alls who haven't already bought your undies and other autophenalia- the delivery turnaround is UNREAL.

Also- listen to nouvelle vague if you don't already.xoxc

Rebecca said...

I write in pencil. I have a box of pretty pencils I got at a paper show and I use them to update my address book and write in my "hate you" journal. I like how pencils sound on paper. That's why I use them. Plus easier to wash off pencil than ink from the side of your hand.

My tech guy must be working on the firewall because it is miraculously down today so I can read/comment. YAY.

I think I spelled miraculously wrong.

Daria said...

good question, Riese! Sadly I can't proclaim myself a Juno expert, so I'm gonna have to go with an "I dont know".

amlisdabomb said...
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