Travelgorrieopoly: Your Big Chance to Hit the Jackpot!

[un-proofread. We're boarding] Let's play a game. Not a game with complicated rules, like Cranium or Chutes & Ladders, but a simple game like "Poke Haviland in the Ear." Which, p.s., I just won. Poke planned & subsequently completed. We're currently waiting to board an airplane, I'm super-excited to begin my Airplane-Related Anxiety Attack, as I loathe airplanes. In fact, there's a lot of things I like and dislike about traveling. (Not time travel, I love all things related to time travel.) Nice segue, Riese. Thanks!

Back in the eighties, when I was a wee girl, my parents'd extract me from bed circa 4 a.m., drop me in the backseat and when I woke up, we'd be all the way to Toledo at least. That was better than airplanes and usually involved Egg McMuffins. I'm not complaining. I'm just happy to be getting out of the city, obviously, and also, I heart JetBlue. Usually complaining is funnier than happiness though, is anyone LOL'ing?

Here's the game: of course, comment as per ushe, but if you'd like to take a gander and guess which of the following two Travel-Things are lies, I'll mail you some Auto-Straddle stickers. Not right away, but eventually.

Travelolopygories: A New Game For Adults & Children
I'd Like To Endorse Some Common Travel-Related Concepts. Ready? Lez Go!
Also, TWO of these things are lies -- I'm pretending to endorse a thing, but in fact, I loathe this thing.
Airplanes won't be on it, nor will strippers & outlet malls, so y'know.

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Theme Parks:

Obvs Disneyworld is the best theme park of all theme parks, 'cause it's educational (hello, Epcot) and 'cause it's pretty much the pioneer, like a Pilgrim. I feel the magic. I don't even care that it's artificial and subsists on perpetuating antiquated notions of Americana and subsequently shilling overpriced commercialized representations of this "dream" of pure/clean happiness which're actually un-genuine and exploitative on many respects. I melt for Tomorrowland. But Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio is the Roller Coaster Capital of the world and one of my Top Ten Places on Earth. Probs The Raptor should be one of the Seven Wonders of the World, no lie.

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Wax Museums:

I will fully go to a wax museum by myself if no one'll accompany me. Howevs, most people find once they enter a wax museum and see all their favorite celebrities and historical figures in wax, they're glad they made the trip. My favorite wax museums are the Hollwood Wax Museum in L.A. and Madame Tussad's in London. FYI Dollywood (in Tennesee) is pretty much wax museum central. Second to Niagra Falls. I can't do the Chamber of Horrors though, totally freaks me out.

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Waterparks:

I'm not a fan of appearing in public in a bathing suit -- in fact, I was completely unwilling to do so until about four years ago. Howevs, I was forced to don a suit and catapult down a slide in a raft at Wet 'n Wild in Australia in 1995 and it was pretty kick-ass (also I had a Speedo). Now I'm too old, so my experiences with waterparks were brief but glorious, though I plan on re-visiting when I have children who I can torture, 'cause it'll put hair on your chest. Wet 'n Wild in Las Vegas apparently also felt brief and glorious & was closed in 2004, two years after I flirted with death on that flume jet-pack straight-drop demon drop hooha. I enjoy flirting with death, death is sexy. It's like "what's up, nice bikini."

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Hiking:
If you put your hands on your quads while you walk, you can feel yourself get sexier. Seriously, just try it. Also I like nature and trail mix, especially nuts and dried berries. My favorite part is at the end of a long hike, when I can moan about how sore I am and get a back massage.
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Hotels:

When I become rich & famous, I think I'm gonna live in a hotel like Eloise. Ideally it'll be a nice hotel with Egyptian cotton sheets and fluffy towels, not the kind with rat shit on your pillow and dead babies on the comforter. I may've mentioned this before. I like being alone in a room where I don't have to clean up after myself, though last time I did this I smoked so many cigarettes that I could barely see the computer screen even though I don't smoke (I've talked about smoking alot recently, but seriously I don't smoke, ask Haviland.) That was when I wrote the March year in review, which was poignant. Continental breakfast - I wouldn't have it any other way. Also, in this terminal at the airport, they've got this magical cereal store, do you know what I'm talking about?

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Historical Villages:

Much like wax museums, it's difficult to describe or defend my affection for this without dragging you into the boring depths of my childhood. My fave is Greenfield Village in Dearborn, the most famous is apparently Colonial Williamsburg (which I've never been to). You know: you take photos in stockades, you eat old fashioned ye olde candy and jams, experience the glory of free-running farm animals, etc. It used to be my dream job, I wanted to wear knickers and play in the hay with the milkmaid like Laura Ingalls Wielder. The only part I don't like is when they shoot things with rifles and etc. Or cannons.

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Buffets:

Although buffets aren't exclusive to vaycays (see Old Country Buffet, or "OCB" as we called it back in Michigan), it's unlikely you can convince anyone over the age of 8 or under the age of 60 to attend a buffet restaurant except on vacation. These are less fun during beach vacations, when the effects of all-you-can-eat fried shrimp, gobs of creamy mac-n-cheese and handfulls of mini-muffins are evidenced immediately ('cause I've got a small belly, it's sensitive to anything entering or exiting, gets bloated like a baby). Howevs, it's fun for the whole family, we can all find something tasty to enjoy.

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Strangers:

When you meet strangers (or snakes) on a plane, you get all the benefits of meeting a new person -- new stories, bizarre perspectives, engaging anecdotes for later -- without the baggage. Get it, baggage? Like you don't have to call them or anything, especially if you're in a hostel in Europe or out west. Most of my attempts to travel alone or w/people my own age result in disaster so I end up stranded places with strangers. The best strangers-I-met story is when I took the train to Wisconsin and met this Israeli girl, we drank a lot of wine, and I made out with someone in the bathroom. Amtrak: try it.
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I wish I could tell you how much I love museums, but that's a gimme. Obvs I really do.
Also, I'd like to muse on my feelings about the beach, sunshine, and Florida in general, but chances are I'm about to prove myself wrong when we land in Miami.

If I have any eccentric readers in the Miami area, give a holla, for $50 you can brush Haviland's hair and rub suntan lotion on her back. Seriously. Also, if you'd like to make out with Cait, Alex, or Haviland, just say so, they're right here with me and they are CUTE.
Our plane has been delayed about 100 hours, that's okay. I've been keeping busy, writing this random blog that makes no sense at all. Better than nothing, better than nothing.

What am I lying about? To Tell the Truth! Wheeeeeeee ...