Monday, June 11, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: It's Hard Out Here for a Luddite Without a Cell Phone

[I wrote this in about 30 minutes in Philadelphia yesterday afternoon. Probs needs some work. But I gotta dash to the doc and etc., and I need to post this before I do that, just to make myself feel better. Thank you for your participation.]

Once upon a time, I had a phone. Then, circa witching-hour last eve on Market Street in Philadephia, PA: my T-Mobile SideTwatWaffle got stolen. That's fine. I don't like talking on the phone anyhow. TB offered me her Crackberry Pearl, but I want no such things. I prefer to write letters to my beloveds, like Griffin and Sabine, and send smoke signals. Also, I think it's funny that TB-the-sociopath's got a Blackberry and a MySpace profile, and I'm like, the Helen Keller of technology. I'm not making fun of Helen Keller or other deaf people, obvs, I love deaf people, like Jodi on The L Word, and I especially love blind & deaf people, e.g., the aforementioned Helen Keller. That thing she did with scratching words in palms? S-to the-E-X-Y. If you're blind/deaf and reading this, I love you most of all.

We're in Cosi on the U-Penn campus. Cosi blows, but they've got wireless. On our way down/up [What am I, Carmen Sandiego ? I don't know how we got here. I got into the car, and now we are here. Perhaps if I had a better sense of direction, my life wouldn't be such a fucking mess], we stopped in New Jersey to retrieve literature from TB's storage shed, most of which's been destroyed in a flood. She revealed to me the true source of her astounding intelligence and love of madness theory: she's read like, 5,000 books. I've read like, Goodnight Moon. Anyhow one of the books we picked up was Kathy Acker's prose poem "I am Erica Jong." It's really good. Y'all can buy it from us for a million dollars. Here it is:
JK, I've read more books than anyone I know besides TB. But she beats me by like, 4,500.

They're playing some sort of Satanic Swing music in Cosi:

"I should just get up right now and like--fling you around! You know those movies where they just get out of their chairs and dance around? This music's so gay, this's the gayest shit ever, seriously. I gotta put on my ominous death music right now, I gotta listen to my Depeche Mode."
[TB, just now]



Obvs I'm gonna replace my cell phone, probs tomorrow or one of the days after that, but what if I like, didn't? I think people were much more reliable before cell phones, yeah? Anyhow, I was thinking, I'm not the only person in the world without a cell phone, right?

SUNDAY TOP TEN: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? NO? THAT'S 'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE A PHONE, WEIRDOS!

LIKE THESE PEOPLE!!!


10. My Grandparents:
Just got an answering machine like, last year. Once my Grandma wrote me an email, it was really cute. They're home alot though. It just occurred to me that I've got a land-line at home. [Right, Roommate-Ryan? Hiii!] I need to figure out how to work that gadget, I bet it'll solve all my problems. I'll just stay at home all the time, which's what I want to do anyhow. I wish I had a ceiling fan to stare at though, that'd make everything more perfect.

9. My Ex-Boyfriends:
I had a thing for boys who couldn't pay their phone bills. Most've 'em had home/dorm lines, which wasn't much comfort: the land-line-only access method enabled things like getting drunk and passing out on the street and having affairs with 16-year-old synchronized swimmers. When my [not ex-boy]friend/neighbor Matty's phone got cut off, he called from pay phones, which meant I had to be on top of my shit: like answer the phone when it rang, even when it was an unidentified number. That was a weird time in my life, suddenly I had to talk to all these people who I woulds typically avoided forever, like DirectTV, just in case it was him asking when I'd be home so he could come over and eat my food. Remembering this time inspired me to ask TB if, instead of replacing my cell phone, she could just give me $500 in quarters. Then I'd need a wheelbarrow to tote it, or a "serious Sancho basket." When S and I broke up the first time, he cited problems with the intensity of our relationship and said: "I wanna be able to take my guitar down to the river to play and not have anyone know I'm taking my guitar down to the river." I was like, Umm...well, if we break up, no one'll pay your phone bill anymore, so you could drown in said river and no one'd know where to look, especially since "play guitar" is clearly code for "Tony Hawk," and "independence" is my campaign promise, so let's get down to the real issue here, yeah?

8. Dogs and Cats:
When a dog needs you, it's just like "Ruff ruff!" And a cat's like: "Meow!" And you're like: "What's up, dog/cat? Are you hungry? Would you like me to scratch behind your ears? Would you like some dog and/or cat food?"

7. People from History:
Another book we picked up was the letters of Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West. They were lesbos, sorta, like me! [I'm a bisexual=half-lesbo. But I've got a whole girlfriend. This's important information for those of you who've never read this blog before EVER.] If they'd had cell phones, it woulda been all like "What're you wearing?" Which's much less mysterious and fun, and doesn't make for good reading. Also, the pioneers on the Oregon Trail didn't have cell phones. If they had, someone coulda called from Oregon and been like, "I know a shortcut."

6. Alexander Graham Bell:
He invented the telephone, so obvs he didn't have a cell phone, because the egg came before the mobile egg. After inventing the telephone, he got really famous and could make love to any woman or man he wanted to. Thanks to AGB, people learned how to be even more annoying than usual, and started moving far away from each other and then civilization slowly crumbled into this giant disconnect of randomness where true love's as rare as true love and we use the word "love" like it's a free lollipop at the dentist, especially 'cause it's easier to give out not face-to-face. Right before you hang up, just throw it out there. You'll usually get it back, unless you're talking to someone who really matters, but not that much yet.




[This's me trying to get TB to hold her hand to my ear like a phone. I asked her to find me a banana,
so I could photograph myself pretending that a banana was a phone. Unfortunately she did not do this,and rather than holding her hand to my ear, put my headphone back in so I could blast off
into Ave Maria-land again.]

Those who've gotten away from me:
read this, and call.
Those whom I've hurt:
I wanted everything,
or not enough,
it was all my fault.
-Stephen Dunn, Loves



5. Homeless People:
Thing is, if you're homeless, you really need a cell phone, because you can't have a land line if you don't have a land to line. You know? Hopefully a homeless person's got my phone right now, and is using it to find a place to crash, call his Mom, or to go into my gmail, get all my passwords, and steal all my money. JK! I don't got no money, fools. My Thief can hijack my friendster and say that The Princess Diaries's my favorite movie or something mean like that. I didn't shut off my phone though, because if they're trying to use it and it doesn't work, that'd be really disappointing, after going through all that effort to steal it. TB just reminded me: WEEKEND MINUTES! So it's free for them to call whomever, awesome.

4. Carrie Bradshaw:
I know she got one in the series finale ["Hi, Mr. Big! I mean, John?!"], but, for someone who so enjoyed talking about herself, she held out for quite some time. I found that to be inspirational, unlike the rest of her personality, which made me wanna punch my television and throw a small cuddly animal out a window onto a random totesbagged passerby.

3. David Sedaris:

He says people don't call him that often. If he was my friend, I'd call him 'cause I bet he'd make me laugh. That's why people call me, obvs. JK, no one calls me anymore, cause: 1. I never pick up, 2. I don't have a cell phone anymore! He makes me laugh really hard, but I also stopped reading his books after Me Talk Pretty One Day, so maybe I'm biased. His sister Amy's the real deal, too: fully embracing art/life integration and guerilla humor, because if no one reads books or watches quality television [oxymoron, natch], then you've gotta find the forum where people are paying attention, like Letterman, and do your piece, burst boldly into whatever format'll take you and shake it up a little. We're all so self conscious these days--who's watching? Is this gonna be on youtube? How'll this clip make me look?--and seem to forget that the world around us's gotten so absolutely fucking ridiculous that actually behaving feels sometimes like sleeping. At Amy's photo shoot for Paper magazine, she asked to be made up to look beaten/bruised. Like, F-you, tortured models. Here's some torture: eat me! have a cupcake, etc. She makes cupcakes, which're delicious.

SIDE NOTE: SERIOUSLY THEY ARE PLAYING LISA LOEB'S "STAY" IN COSI RIGHT NOW. I'm trying to listen to "Ave Maria" on repeat, as I usually do during trying times like this one, but "Stay" is even louder. OMG NOW THEY ARE PLAYING THAT RETARDED SWING MUSIC AGAIN. "WHAT IS WITH THIS MUSIC? WHERE ARE WE? LIKE, THE SWINGING TWENTIES OR SOMETHING? " (TB)

2. All of Us, not that long ago:
Seriously it was not that long ago. I could wax over all the things that've changed since we got cell phones, but I think I did that in an earlier post, and I've got this funny feeling I wouldn't be the first person to write on this. All I'm saying is: it must be possible, right? Possible?!

1. Me, Tomorrow:
OK, I'm gonna get a new cell phone on Friday. In the meantime, either you know where I live or you don't, and you can try calling my girlfriend, who can then type to me on gmail chat, or you can type to me on gmail chat too. Also you can send a messenger, especially singing messengers, those are the best kind. Or letters, duh.

36 comments:

Jaime said...

and then civilization slowly crumbled into this giant disconnect of randomness where true love's as rare as true love and we use the word "love" like it's a free lollipop at the dentist, especially 'cause it's easier to give out not face-to-face.

I might have to get this tattooed somewhere. On myself, I mean. Or maybe I'll tattoo it onto my couch. Except it's my roommate's couch, and dark blue. I'll tattoo it onto his couch in glow-in-the-dark ink. Which's probably the same as just writing it, no?

I am not freely-giving with the L-word. I stopped saying it to my grandmother for several years when I decided it wasn't true, but then it got true again. Many of my friends are free-wheeling with it, but I'm all scared to say it to the friends it's true about, because we've never said it casually, and it's really hard to start.

EL N said...

Re: Virginia to Vita

"What're you wearing?"

And Vita'd be hanging out at Sissinghurst and all like "Oh, some knickers and a bowtie. You?"

Lozo said...

listen, i don't think you get how this stalking thing works. if i'm going to go to great and illegal lengths to track down your phone number, you can't up and lose your phone. i had this whole heavy breathing routine planned out for this weekend, and it went to waste.

i just realized we're not that tight, so the above might be scary. i'm totally kidding. i didn't track down your phone number. yet.

MoonKiller said...

I had my phone stolen last week. Luckily I had come to the end of my contract so got a free upgrade. = ]. I never answer my phone either - phone phobia, obvs.

This cheered me up - I've been ill all day and have vomitted twice while reading this. None of my family seem to care, instead they just shout at me for stupid reasons because its raining in June and everyones stressed out. I feel like picking up my laptop and hitting myself over the head with it. Or maybe I'll just be sick in their pillows because I'm childish and in need of some cheap entertainment. = ]

Mercury said...

I've been cellphone less for like four months? It just sort of went out of commission somewhere between here and Traverse City & since then I've been too cheap/lazy to replace it or whatevs. And then last night I totally dug it up and plugged it in despite having done that to no avail dozens of times and this time it worked. it was totally just like my iPod/incredibly creepy. Of course it doesn't have any service. I'll fix that though. So your post has interesting timing.

Anonymous said...

ditto to what tb said...i have no authority on this matter whatsoever...but i agree. anyway riese have you read the book called special topics in calamity physics by marisha pessl? your writing kind of reminds me of hers- the constant referencing of intelligent sources but still keeping the pop culture chic... and of course totally entertaining. you should check it out
-b

Lozo said...

tb: you are absolutely right. i apologize. i know it's not what you're saying, but i shall not leave another comment on this blog.

Anonymous said...

Hi, MLB.

Thank you for your perceptive and thoughtful reply to my Raymond Carver comment from your previous post. (Yes, it was a compliment; no, you don't know me.)

Here are some Fun Phone Facts:

1 Mark Twain was one of the first private citizens to have a phone in his home.

2 Alexander Graham Bell wanted people to answer the phone by saying "Hoy, Hoy". This didn't catch on.

3 Bell was a teacher of the deaf and was a friend of Helen Keller. His telephone invention was an offshoot of his work with sound, speech, and hearing.

M said...

Not to be outdone, I have compiled (through extensive research) some lesser known, but equally fun facts about phones:

1.)Cell phones have an e% chance of still functioning after falling into a toilet bowl.

2.)Members of the Verizon family plan are given nearly identical numbers, which means that if your mother is technologically retarded, she routinely dials herself when trying to dial you.

3.)The cell phone companies have a special arrangement with god such that if you are carrying your cell phone as well as something heavy and you drop both, the heavy thing will always land on your cell phone.

4.)Nearly every cell phone now comes with a special magnet that repels the phone from your packet and attracts it into the seats of cabs.

5.)“Blue tooth” is Latin for “cheese dick.”

6.)Zack Morris is a pimp.

Learning is fun.

M said...

7.)I'd sell my soul to change that "packet" back to "pocket."

stef said...

iii totally went to your panel tonight and didn't say hi cos i'm a big chicken. i was in the back row, brown striped tank, chin-length black hair, black cadet hat, with a pretty blonde in a black dress. props to tb for making so much noise dropping her blackberry, and also to that guy who was really into manhunt and hookers and their various rating systems. i enjoyed the panel. then i got drunk. and here i am. lesson learned tonight: the internet is so friggin weird. also, people are naked on it.

Abby said...

I met my gf when I was in Bali and she was in small town New Zealand. Having a cellphone meant we could be in constant contact even with her working nights at the hospital and the time difference, we could still find time to talk. She spent a lot of money on phone cards but we fell in love and are still together 2 years later. Now I have 2 phones, one on contract the other is pre pay which has a special 'best mate' bonus where you can call and text one person as much as you want for $6 a month, so that is the phone I call her on. We have fought and loved so much via cell phone I can't imagine a world without them.

kate said...

Even though I hate actually talking on the phone I feel naked without it (metaphorically, of course- I don’t want TB to regulate on my ass for being a blog-perv)

some reasons mobile phones are good - phone-phobia not-withstanding
1. it means that you have something to pretend to do when people trying to sell you things on a commission basis approach you in shopping centres.

2. It means my nana can leave amazing voicemails, as if the voicemail is actually a real person that acts as my secretary eg.
voicemail: this is kate, please leave a message and I’ll call you back when I’m free
my nana: could you please tell kate to give me a call so that I can see how her exams are going . and can you also tell her I love her very much. Oh it’s her nana!

3.it gives people that don’t actually want to talk to you and people who REALLY want to talk to you- but not in real time- the opportunity to have their words misinterpreted via text.

4. text messages allow for much conjecture regarding the person sending them: shorthand (u/you) and acronyms (LOL) are ok due to timesaving qualities-Misspelled words where the incorrectly/hip-ly spelled word has the same amount of letters as the original (was/woz) are not ok and shouldn’t garner a response- natural selection via text

***i have like, five phones that i don't use and work perfectly because I'd feel guilty throwing away all of the messages that're on them. I'll donate one to your cause if you like - I'm sure the good deed would make up for the guilt of letting the memories slip away...like sands through the hourglass...

riese said...

I'm so behind on everything right now, it's totes ridic. Reading blogs, writing blogs, commenting on blogs. God, I hate the word "blog," yeah? If I had a phone, I'd be behind on that too.

I just gotta say right now--Steph:

We read your comment on the legendary Crackberry while on the not-so-legendary 3 train (which was reminding us to be patient as it did not move for many many moments), and fully laughed, had discussion about how actually the first time I saw Waking Vixen/Audacia Ray I did not introduce myself to her cuz I was like, "Whoah, I just like, read her blog, she's got no clue who I am," or something, and then about five minutes later, thinking of your comment line: Props to TB for dropping her Blackberry and my memory of that moment in the panel when she did drop her blackberry (one of my favorites, obvs)...
I literally, literally almost peed in my pants on the train laughing so hard over the combination of your props and my memory of it happening. And again. Actually I'm laughing again as I write this, props to...

Ok, will write much more on this topic/comment and other topics/comments in a little bit. I'd like to state for the record that 3:30 am's not my favorite time of night. Or morning. I'm really dumb right now. Totally used all my creativity reconciling Manhunt and fatherhood.

Crystal said...

I lost my mobile (cell) recently too, I'm prolonging the replacement as long as I can. Calls to my mobile only result in work.

Right now I'm having my first affair with a Blackberry - writing a research publication on 'The Effect Of The Blackberry On The Social Lives Of Young Professionals'.
My government doesn't seem to have a more pressing area of research to invest in.

My personal conclusion is that they suck. Unfortunately lots of 'Young Professionals' surveyed disagree; so now I have to write all about how great they are.

AK said...

I love these infrastructure posts—phones, trains, the metronorth, land lines. It adds so much texture. Life is mobile, but I'm with you, I'd rather write than talk to people.

If Vita and Virginia had had phones, Virginia might never have gotten around to developing the interior momologue/stream of consciousness phenomena, to which we blogging creatures owe so much. It would have been a phone/comments interrupted life.

I recently learned that AGB was not a friend of deaf people, even though his wife was deaf. He started a whole movement to mainstream deaf people by insisting that they lip read. Schools embraced his theory and wouldn't let the deaf use sign language in school, thus suppressing an entire culture and language. So they had to mobilize and take back sign language. Had they had the Crackberry then, they might have just let it go.

I'm okay with the Crackberry. My partner has one; she can read my entire 2,000 word post on it at breakfast and give me her comments live and not have to type out LOL.

Before we had phones we had landmarks. We could say 'meet me at Lotta's Fountain", wait in hopeful anticipation and have the delight of surprise when our friends actually found us, even in the middle of watching the Pride parade go by.

TB said...
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Lozo said...

listen. i'm trying to be nice about this. i'm trying not to get caught up in contradictory points about how i'm "harmless," "unaffective" and especially "immature" yet you've taken the time to go after me twice now because you don't like the comments i leave on your girlfriend's blog. and i'm not even sure what the "i've seen his myspace" quote means.

you can't bust out the "your comments upset me" card then call ME immature when i apologize and say i'll refrain from commenting. and telling someone what they can and can't say IS censoring, fyi.

it's easier for me to not comment at all (i realize this is another comment, and i hate myself for getting sucked in here) then to have to worry about constructing my comment in a way that's going to not upset someone.

if you really think there's an ounce of seriousness or ability in me to track down a complete stranger's phone number for the purpose of heavy breathing, i don't know what other joking thing i'd say that you would take seriously, why risk it?

but again, i apologize to anyone and everyone. i ain't mad at anyone. my unaffective butt won't be commenting, but it will be reading. peace out, homeslices.

stef said...

totally not a lesbian, just watch their tv and borrow their hats apparently. hah.

riese said...

jaime: Your roommate would actually love it. I mean that, L-word love it. She'd be like "this couch just got so much cooler than it was before." There's a funny story about Haviland and I and the L-word. I hate that The L Word's misappropriated The L Word.

el n: ha! ! Awesome.

moonkiller: That's really funny that we both had our phones stolen. Good thing we don't like phones. If you broke your laptop over your head, you'd probs lose either your head or your laptop, both of which'd prevent you from commenting on my blog, which'd be totes depressing, and therefore, I'm glad you hopefully chose to be sick in the pillows instead.

MERC: If only I'd known, you coulda been on the list. I love our timing.

TB: Hiiiii. You're like Warren G. I would like a tooth if no one else wants it.

Anon: yes, that's been recommended to me many-a-time over the last year--I think it was on a lot of best-of lists last year yeah? I'll check it out.

Lozo: Don't stop commenting. Remember last time when you said something nice? That was nice. Do that again.

Fun Phone Facts Yay!

Anon: That's so WOC that Bell and Helen Keller were friends and that I talked about both of them.

M: What's really weird about my Mom and Verizon is that my Mom and my best friend Natalie have the same number up until the last four digits. So when I'm listening to my voice mails-it's like 7-3-4-6-4-5 and I'm like "who could it be? mom? Natalie? Mom? Natalie?" 8-who is it? who is it? And then it's revealed to me. Also funny is that TB and Haviland have very similar numbers on T-Mobile. Totes already knew that about Zach morris. I love his phone, and want my new one to be at least that large and I am totes not kidding.

7) made me LOL.

stef: As TB said, we both figured out who you were because you and this other girl--who turned out to be the girlfriend of TB's friend Fritz--were the only girls in the audience I didn't already know who I was like "hm, those people look way too cool to be here. who are they? why are they so cute? where do they get their hair cut? I want a hair cut like that." Anyhow, thank you for coming, I hoped you weren't bored out of your gourd. My view of the girl who was with you was blocked, probs by the head of a male escort of a radio-listener of some sort who was only there because they heard it on the radio, aka legitimate educated people media, but I hope she also was not bored.

abby: further proof that other countries do everything way better than we do here.

kate: Your nana is amazing. I fully love text messaging. Yesterday I said 'I wish I had my phone so I could check my email or send a text message."

crystal: Yeah? That actually sounds like an interesting study. Though I suppose it is like actual Crack: if you're addicted to if, you've gotta justify it's existence. In general, I like the mbobile web access aspect--so much of what the web is good for is stuff that we use on the fly, like directions.

AK: yeah, thanks! I agree about VW, I'm glad technology is just recent enough as to not destroy legions of other writers' potential. That's an interesting point about the landmarks. I'm trying to recapture that lost and precious period now. What's also interesting is how little faith we have in someone's ability to actually be there. LIke, you're supposed to meet someone here at this time, but the Moment you get there, you pick up your phone and dial. Like, let's not waste one moment of our lives seeing if they might be there, best call RIGHT NOW.

Razia said...

Wow. It got a tad bit tense in here for a minute, I have a friend who likes to loudly expel gas in awkward moments to relieve the tension [pun intended], just thought I'd share that seeing that fun facts are being thrown around.

I would like to verify that cell phones actually do survive being dropped in the toilet bowl, I learnt last Sunday night when my friend dropped her phone into the bowl after a long night of drinking at a bar. It was a tricky situation bc the phone had to be "cleaned" before being fished out, so we harassed the bar stuff until they donated some ice tongs, she held the phone in place with the tongs and flushed repeatedly. The phone started working again after two days except for the caller display screen so I guess she can't screen her calls anymore. That being said, I don't know if I'd be all that comfortable talking on a phone that took a dip in a bowl full of diluted urine.

stef said...

what? bored? where else would i have learned such a glorious new vocabulary word (cyberdildology)? we figured we were the only people there who weren't a) creepy old dad types, b) sex ed teachers, c) manhunt guy or like, d) your crowd. that was weird but we did have an educational evening. in addition to vocabulary, we also learned about cannibal sex and human saddles. we did miss the fire alarm business as we skipped out immediately to go get booze. and this haircut will totally cost you $12 on st marks... i'm classy like that.

stef said...

OH and if your cell phone gets wet, PUT IT IN THE FREEZER. it works. i hear this also works for ipods.

haviland said...

i obvs need to hear FULL details about last night.

i was singing and stuff and telling everyone in the audience why i am currently radioactive (it's true!)...

details, please, since you have no phone and i'm prob the only person who does call you?

M said...

Re: Hydrophilic Cell Phones

Razia: Please give my love to your friend and her upcoming struggle with syphilis. My original calculations were based almost entirely on the probability of such a phone even being retrieved, which was assumed to have an inverse relationship with toilet usage. Based on that math and the fact that this was a public toilet, your friend is the statistical equivalent of the immaculate conception. A formal proof is forthcoming.

Stef: The freezer? Really? Is this one of those “it worked for me” things or one of those “it worked for my boyfriend’s cousin’s best friend” things? If it’s the latter I’ll start recommending it to my friends and see what happens. They go through cell phones the way normal people go through chewing gum.

TB said...
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TB said...
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Abby said...

Kate- Your Nana rocks!
tb- not such a surprise, Bali and New Zealand are two of the most beautiful and healing places on the planet... your friend rocks too!

kate said...

TB, alas, not a lesbian – just half gay like your dear gf - label me as you wish though- you entertain me so well. My foundations were shaken a little when you –NYR- were hijacked but it’s nice to see you live on. If you want NYR back let me know – I think I can figure out how to do it – I’m doing an e-security thesis next and I know some dodgy people. Or maybe this is an opportunity to recreate ones self…

abby - she is pretty great. I'll show her that, she'll love it

riese said...

Hi kids. I've spent the entire day trying to fix the "t" key I broke off my keyboard circa 1pm.

Because I enjoy turning catastrophe [catastrophe=totes not a catastrophe at all, I'm just dramatic] into a Sunday Top Ten, I sure do wish I could write one right now about this t key. LIke about other words I could maybe use instead. Unfortunately, instead I'm just pounding away at the little nubby thing, which I think's giving me carpal tunnel or insanity, I can't tell which right now. I tried super glue but then just super glued a postcard to my desk.

razia: I woulda been like, "whoops, there it goes!" Oh wells! I just remembered that I broke my L key too, but sorta fixed it. I guess I should get them both fixed tomorrow. Hm. I feel no tension in rooms because I am The Zen.

steph: Yeah, I read the whole book and I thought, re: cyberdildology, that people oughta trust each other to like, handle their own vibrators. I'm glad you had an educational evening. I kept looking at the clown sculpture and wanting to say "Hey, is anyone noticing this clown thing here? It's a little weird, right?"

if you put it in the freezer, won't it turn into Frozen Phone? I'm glad I don't drop my phone into anything besides the hands of a thief.

Haviland: Recap to come, obvs! Actually I just emailed you, even though I don't have a good t key. I think I might try to reattach it again in a second. I feel better now that I'm prone, as we usually do. You are radioactive.

Also, lovely Haviland: you are the only person that calls me aside from TB, my mother, and sometimes Natalie.

TB: This's how we can find out who's a lezbian and who isn't. Y'know, before The L Word blog, I totes didn't have any lesbian readers, except Haviland. And Lainy. Hm. Actually, I probs did. But not that many. Bi readers, but most girls are bi. I think. Maybe just in theory. In my theory, specifically. Are you really eating chocolate cheesecake? Hm. Or's that proverbial? My neck hurts from trying to fix my "t" key. I need you to come fix both. xo.

And kate...speaking of magic tricks of which many've been mentioned on this comment thread, like making phones come back to life ... yeah let's get NYRadical back!! I mean, she's totally being lazy about it, you know? Like, if you're gonna hijack, at least update, yeah? Jeez.

Crystal said...

Riese: The mobile/web part is the part I don't like - gives me no excuse for not being able to access work emails etc. I think this whole Blackberry study is a grand scheme orchestrated by my work, via the government, to make sure that I'm available 24/7. This may be a stretch.

TB: Yeah, your government does suck also - Howard & Bush being morally bankrupt besties and all. But I won't get started on that, I'll never stop. Dude I know you were probably kidding but I'm going to throw a Blackberry survey your way. Fill it in if you feel inclined, you know, for cutting-edge research that's a national priority.

Razia said...

stef: What happens when all that is frozen melts? Isn't it just back at square one? Unless you can somehow make it sublimate.

m: That syphilis crack made me lol. I also think that the chance of retrieval, therefore survival, is greater in Australian toilets as they're really narrow. Also, they don't have half as much water as American toilets do so maybe theres a water pressure factor that comes into play.

tb: No, do not be sorry. Those comments were even annoying me and I'm just a blog fan, I totally would've done the same if I was in your shoes. Anyway, I freeze my cigarettes too!

riese: I feel tension but I actually enjoy it, not in a sadistic way but because everything is so unrehearsed and raw for once. Looking back that makes me sound real creepy.

stef said...

i read about the cell phone/freezer trick SOMEWHERE, maybe it was a blogorrhea link or something; i really don't know. i investigated it and found a bunch of articles stating that the freezer trick really does work. i've not tired it myself... but i think ideally it does somehow absorb the liquid out of your phone so it will work again, and if not at least it keeps the little white dot in your phone from turning red. once that dot turns red the cell phone company will know you got the phone wet and won't replace the mysteriously dead phone with a new one. 'oh um.. i may have spilled an entire ginger ale on it... but other than that i have no idea what's wrong with it!'

really, cyberdildology. who came up with that? shouldn't these people use their powers to cure cancer or something?

oh and my verification word, no lie - 'imiezy.' clearly my reputation precedes me.

Jessica said...

Someone similarly liberated my phone from my possession on Sunday. Except, when those i hold near and dear attempted to contact me, he answered and informed them they had the wrong number.

My mother disagreed. He hung up. He called back. (?!?) Apparently he'd "found" my phone at a coffee shop (which i might believe, had it not been for the initial denial of my existence as the phone's owner). He promised to bring it back today.

Shockingly, no phones once belonging to me miraculously appeared at this coffee shop today. Which is to say, i feel your pain.

TB said...
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Oo Lynnie oO said...

you were in Philly. I'm in Philly. You didn't visit. SUP?!

anyways...sorry about your phone! i feel super anxious when i dont kno exactly where my phone is, it gives me comfort to feel it in my pocket haha.

I apologize on behalf of the entire City of Brotherly Love