Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Travelgorrieopoly: Your Big Chance to Hit the Jackpot!

[un-proofread. We're boarding] Let's play a game. Not a game with complicated rules, like Cranium or Chutes & Ladders, but a simple game like "Poke Haviland in the Ear." Which, p.s., I just won. Poke planned & subsequently completed. We're currently waiting to board an airplane, I'm super-excited to begin my Airplane-Related Anxiety Attack, as I loathe airplanes. In fact, there's a lot of things I like and dislike about traveling. (Not time travel, I love all things related to time travel.) Nice segue, Riese. Thanks!

Back in the eighties, when I was a wee girl, my parents'd extract me from bed circa 4 a.m., drop me in the backseat and when I woke up, we'd be all the way to Toledo at least. That was better than airplanes and usually involved Egg McMuffins. I'm not complaining. I'm just happy to be getting out of the city, obviously, and also, I heart JetBlue. Usually complaining is funnier than happiness though, is anyone LOL'ing?

Here's the game: of course, comment as per ushe, but if you'd like to take a gander and guess which of the following two Travel-Things are lies, I'll mail you some Auto-Straddle stickers. Not right away, but eventually.

Travelolopygories: A New Game For Adults & Children
I'd Like To Endorse Some Common Travel-Related Concepts. Ready? Lez Go!
Also, TWO of these things are lies -- I'm pretending to endorse a thing, but in fact, I loathe this thing.
Airplanes won't be on it, nor will strippers & outlet malls, so y'know.
Theme Parks:
Obvs Disneyworld is the best theme park of all theme parks, 'cause it's educational (hello, Epcot) and 'cause it's pretty much the pioneer, like a Pilgrim. I feel the magic. I don't even care that it's artificial and subsists on perpetuating antiquated notions of Americana and subsequently shilling overpriced commercialized representations of this "dream" of pure/clean happiness which're actually un-genuine and exploitative on many respects. I melt for Tomorrowland. But Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio is the Roller Coaster Capital of the world and one of my Top Ten Places on Earth. Probs The Raptor should be one of the Seven Wonders of the World, no lie.

Wax Museums:
I will fully go to a wax museum by myself if no one'll accompany me. Howevs, most people find once they enter a wax museum and see all their favorite celebrities and historical figures in wax, they're glad they made the trip. My favorite wax museums are the Hollwood Wax Museum in L.A. and Madame Tussad's in London. FYI Dollywood (in Tennesee) is pretty much wax museum central. Second to Niagra Falls. I can't do the Chamber of Horrors though, totally freaks me out.

I'm not a fan of appearing in public in a bathing suit -- in fact, I was completely unwilling to do so until about four years ago. Howevs, I was forced to don a suit and catapult down a slide in a raft at Wet 'n Wild in Australia in 1995 and it was pretty kick-ass (also I had a Speedo). Now I'm too old, so my experiences with waterparks were brief but glorious, though I plan on re-visiting when I have children who I can torture, 'cause it'll put hair on your chest. Wet 'n Wild in Las Vegas apparently also felt brief and glorious & was closed in 2004, two years after I flirted with death on that flume jet-pack straight-drop demon drop hooha. I enjoy flirting with death, death is sexy. It's like "what's up, nice bikini."

If you put your hands on your quads while you walk, you can feel yourself get sexier. Seriously, just try it. Also I like nature and trail mix, especially nuts and dried berries. My favorite part is at the end of a long hike, when I can moan about how sore I am and get a back massage.
When I become rich & famous, I think I'm gonna live in a hotel like Eloise. Ideally it'll be a nice hotel with Egyptian cotton sheets and fluffy towels, not the kind with rat shit on your pillow and dead babies on the comforter. I may've mentioned this before. I like being alone in a room where I don't have to clean up after myself, though last time I did this I smoked so many cigarettes that I could barely see the computer screen even though I don't smoke (I've talked about smoking alot recently, but seriously I don't smoke, ask Haviland.) That was when I wrote the March year in review, which was poignant. Continental breakfast - I wouldn't have it any other way. Also, in this terminal at the airport, they've got this magical cereal store, do you know what I'm talking about?
Historical Villages:
Much like wax museums, it's difficult to describe or defend my affection for this without dragging you into the boring depths of my childhood. My fave is Greenfield Village in Dearborn, the most famous is apparently Colonial Williamsburg (which I've never been to). You know: you take photos in stockades, you eat old fashioned ye olde candy and jams, experience the glory of free-running farm animals, etc. It used to be my dream job, I wanted to wear knickers and play in the hay with the milkmaid like Laura Ingalls Wielder. The only part I don't like is when they shoot things with rifles and etc. Or cannons.
Although buffets aren't exclusive to vaycays (see Old Country Buffet, or "OCB" as we called it back in Michigan), it's unlikely you can convince anyone over the age of 8 or under the age of 60 to attend a buffet restaurant except on vacation. These are less fun during beach vacations, when the effects of all-you-can-eat fried shrimp, gobs of creamy mac-n-cheese and handfulls of mini-muffins are evidenced immediately ('cause I've got a small belly, it's sensitive to anything entering or exiting, gets bloated like a baby). Howevs, it's fun for the whole family, we can all find something tasty to enjoy.

When you meet strangers (or snakes) on a plane, you get all the benefits of meeting a new person -- new stories, bizarre perspectives, engaging anecdotes for later -- without the baggage. Get it, baggage? Like you don't have to call them or anything, especially if you're in a hostel in Europe or out west. Most of my attempts to travel alone or w/people my own age result in disaster so I end up stranded places with strangers. The best strangers-I-met story is when I took the train to Wisconsin and met this Israeli girl, we drank a lot of wine, and I made out with someone in the bathroom. Amtrak: try it.
I wish I could tell you how much I love museums, but that's a gimme. Obvs I really do.
Also, I'd like to muse on my feelings about the beach, sunshine, and Florida in general, but chances are I'm about to prove myself wrong when we land in Miami.

If I have any eccentric readers in the Miami area, give a holla, for $50 you can brush Haviland's hair and rub suntan lotion on her back. Seriously. Also, if you'd like to make out with Cait, Alex, or Haviland, just say so, they're right here with me and they are CUTE.
Our plane has been delayed about 100 hours, that's okay. I've been keeping busy, writing this random blog that makes no sense at all. Better than nothing, better than nothing.

What am I lying about? To Tell the Truth! Wheeeeeeee ...


Stephanie said...

I live in the heart of a historic city. Fredericksburg: Most Historic City EVER! Seriously, that's their claim. My favorite is when I'm watching cable tv and using electricity and shit and then a horse drawn carriage clop clops by. Or I go out on my front porch and a Civil War soldier runs down the street. Or the streets are all closed because duh, there's a BATTLE going on. THE NORTH AND THE SOUTH ARE FIGHTING, FIND ANOTHER ROUTE. Your flight is probs delayed because of some battle here. Can't use Civil War airspace, duh.

Crystal said...

haha, baggage, I get it.
I don't know what you're lying about, but the two I can't relate to are Wet 'n Wild and Buffets.

I really like meeting strangers on planes. I enjoy meeting strangers, in general.

Jo said...

Taking your agoraphobia into consideration, I'm gonna guess strangers and water parks.

Have fun playing "Poke Haviland in the Ear." For her sake I hope you're not seated next to her on the plane.

Jessica said...

I'm going to go with amusement parks and water parks as both are hot and sticky and seem like things someone who hates summer wouldn't like.

Also, I totes wouldn't blame you. Water parks are pointless what with the standing in line, being covered in water, bumping up against people you don't know who are practically naked and also covered in water and then having to get into some sort of mode of transportation that is gross while you're still covered in water and dirt will stick to you. I have major germ issues about combo amusement park/water parks, swimming pools etc. ew.

Also, I LOVE wax museums. Yay!

dorothy said...

My guess is hiking and strangers.

Me- I hate hotels, I miss my own bed. It's a little creepy thinking about all those people who have slept in that bed before you. And the rug.

Alicia said...

I'm going with wax museums and buffets.

...and now the thought of a "wax buffet" popped into my head, and I don't think you'd be opposed to THAT.

Irish and Jew said...

god i hate colonial williamsburg

im going with historical towns and strangers


shannon said...

i'm going to guess buffets and strangers.

also, i'm going to miami in march! i've never been before, but i hope it's warm there.

eric mathew said...

omg are you ladies on vaca? have an blast!!! agree with the hiking..you can see some great stuff plus its nice to think out thoughts when your up high..not high high...like above elevation...anyway.

i have always wanted to be like eloise. espeically after the movie was made i mean hello julie andrews as the nanny and gavin creel as the bellhop...so good.

i was so sad when the plaza closed. did you hear they sold the "Eloise" shoes they kept behind the counter when kids asked for her? to cute.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Riese, Riese, Riese ... You don't need to go hiking to get a back massage outta me. I got references, if you'd like. ;)

If I were in an answer jacking mood, I'd ride Shannon's jock and go with buffets and strangers, but since I'm feeling lucky and gambling on your post-InterWeb experience altering the latter, I'ma roll with ...

actually fuck it -- I'll share the prize with Shan: buffets and strangers it is. You're totally the kind of kind who really would go to a wax museum on your own and enjoy historical villages (like the ones in Choke?)

A said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
.elida. said...

Holla for Greenfiled Village! When I first started dating my ex-boyfriend I was all, "this one time at Greenfiled Village blah blah blah."

And he goes, "What's Greenfield Village?"

I was shocked that someone who'd lived in MI their whole life had never even HEARD of it. But then I remembered that he's from Riverview, which is "down river" aka "little-bubble-that-no-one-ever-leaves. Ever."

So I took him to the Greenfield Village and he loved it so much that he got a job there driving the model T's. Haha.

I have some really funny pictures of him in period clothing. I used to con him into going out to dinner and stuff while he was wearing one of his ten piece suits. Good times.

Razia said...

The only thing that I'm pretty convinced you're not lying about is the one about wax museums. Just because I think you've mentioned it before. Either that or I'm having a Janice Dickinson moment again.

it's the jeans said...

i call your bluff on water parks and buffets. who likes buffets? my trashy half family. that's who and you my dear are not trash. not that kind of trash at least.

riese said...

I want to do the thing where I reply to everyone's comments but apparently my typing is unwelcome at this late hour.

All I can say is, one of you is already a winner. An "auto-winner," so to speak.

I'll reply more tomorrow, and BB, I totes talked about Choke in my historical villages recap, then cut it 'cause I thought no one'd get the reference except Moonkiller, who may or may not still read this blog. But, holla to that.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Maniac Magee yes, Choke no. Intriguing.

I've definitely read all things Palahniuk, save for that Portland travel guide. His novels fly, and you learn things (see: minutae; see also: we are all weirder than we'd like to admit).

Also, I am sad I did not win. =(


real regroup for safe work? All about collaboration, I suppose.

Lozo said...

i vote theme parks and strangers.

also, now that i see how heath ledger died, i'm forbidding you to take ambien ever again.

Lozo said...

i just saw you declared a winner already, went back through to see if my answers were already said, and they were.

who's the big winner? dave's the big winner.

Megan said...

I'm going to guess historical villages and strangers are two things you endorsed but secretly hate. Y/N?

Chloe said...

So this is the second time I've read your blog, and I'm completely entertained...there's a game and everything! It's like addictinggames.com, only intelligent.

I'm guessing wax museums because
1. they're creepy as shit
2. live people could totally pretend to be wax and then jump out and kill you...you know? Like, you know? or maybe I just need a lot of therapy.


Buffets because people can cough and sneeze and put their hands in the food and then you eat it and get bird flu or mrsa or some other ridiculous disease.

riese said...

I'm torn between wanting more people to guess and wanting to declare the winner -- there can be more winners, but right now there's only one winner.

stephanie: OMG, that's like Mackinaw Island. They don't even have cars there. Everything is horse and buggie.

crystal: I enjoy that you enjoy meeting strangers. You can do that for us in Texas.

Jo: I managed to resist poking Haviland in the ear on the plane.

Jessica:Do you really love wax museums and if so, what's your favorite?

dorothy: I generally miss my own bed too, but sometimes if you stay in hotels with comfy beds, I end up missing the hotel.

Alicia: I would absolutely not be oppposed to a wax buffet.

Irish and Jew: Why has everyone been to Colonial Williamsburg but me?

shannon: It is warm now, and it will absolutely be warm then.

eric matthew: You are the cutest thing ever. I was also sad about the Plaza closing. Not like I'd ever stay there, but it was important to me that it exist to enable the dream. I'm all about enabling dreams.

BB: See my prior comment, re: Choke. Also, Lozo is my professional masseuse, I can't afford to shop around.

.elida: I cannot fathom that someone could possibly live in michigan their entire lives without experiencing the bliss that is Greenfield Village. If my parents had let me get period clothes, I woulda gone out to dinner tipping the velvet style 24/7.

razia: I have mentioned wax museums before! Thank you for being a close reader, I love you the most.

it's the jeans: I love trash! Look at all my friends!

the brooklyn boy: I think that's the only book of his I've read ... I seem to feel I've read Fight Club but I'm just one of those annoying people who's seen the movie.

Lozo: I'm so touched that you care if I live or die that I can hardly speak. Howevs, he apparently took two ambien a night and could still only sleep for an hour. There were a lot of things going on.

Megan: 1/2.

Chloe: I'm afraid to type in addicting games because I might get addicted, like ambien, and then I'll be like Heath Ledger or Brad Renfro. I'm pretty sure people get SARS from buffets ... but it may or may not be worth it (dodooododo) ... thanks for commenting/reading!

caittttt said...

hi boo. my guesses for things you hate are wax museums and civil war stuff. mainly cause those are two things i hate. srsly. did i win? can i have some stickers anyway? please?

Jess said...

no, I really do love them! I've only been to the one in New York though... someday I hope to make it to another one but I'm pretty sure no one will go with me. Maybe you will!

There's just something fun about wandering amongst correctly proportioned celebrities and discussing their flaws... or usually, lack thereof.

Lozo said...

damn it! strangers better be one of them, otherwise you're an agoraphraud!

Jaime said...

I'm gonna say you're lying about wax museums and meeting strangers.

If you're lying about historical villages, my heart will be broken.

Where did Jaime and her two best friends go on spring break sophomore year of college? It rhymes with "Colonial Williamsburg." Because it is Colonial Williamsburg! And I am still single!!!!!

Jaime said...

Aw, man, I just read that someone else is an auto-winner. How do you like wax museums?? They are freaky and sad. And I insist you agree with me. On everything.

(Josh Lyman! Julie White! Don't break our streak!)

Anonymous said...

there's totes bikes there too on that Mackinac Island. and a shitload of seagulls.

p.s. i tried to nominate you for that lesbian blog thing, and it denied me like 4 times giving me some bullshit enable javascript reason and i am indeed enabled. it was dejecting, and awkward, and much like many of my first dates.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Re: Massages -- I'll just have to start a price war. First time free! ;)

And when I said Chuck's books "fly," I meant "they're outstanding airplane reading -- entertaining with good pacing, and much humor throughout." Wouldn't do ya so bad to pick one up from the airport bookstore on the way home ... or just borrow one when you get back, ha.

Fragolina said...

I love historical villages! As I child, I went for a weekend to this one in Kentucky called Shaker Town, which should be pretty self-explanatory. I mostly remember getting to sleep in an old-tymey trundle bed and learning the words to scandalous songs like "Susie Had A Steamboat" from my cousins.

And I went to college very near a large Amish population, who would load up their horses and buggies and come to campus to sell blankets, baskets and the Best Brownies Ever to our visiting parents.

We also went to Cedar Point as part of our big Senior Week extravaganza. Or rather other people did. My friends and I stayed on campus and drank a lot. I've been a bit wary of amusement parks since that girl had her feet cut off on that one ride. I'm very attached to standing.