Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Sunday Top Ten: Most Weirdest Weirdos of 2007

As I mentioned last week (in great hyperlinked detail), December is National List-Writing Month, which is for me how African-American History Month is for people from history who were African-American (and still are, I guess, except that, due to the nature of death itself, they're just crumbled up colorless skeletons now, because we're all human beings who should be defined by the content of our character rather than the color of our skin or something. For example, I'm really pale right now and wish I was tanner, don't judge, my character's got more content than OurChart, holla). But this randomized December weekend has left me stumped for the absolute best list to construct. There's a good one in the newest preview for The L Word, which actually convinced me for two minutes that it might be good next season, but like seriously. I'm also at peace with the death of Dana Fairbanks and I'll tell you why in the first Season Five recap, but that could have something to do with my open mind, ready to accept Ilene Chaiken into my life. In fact, I've decided to write her a series of haikus over the course of the month. Here's the first:
Ilene. Are you mean?
It will remain to be seen.
Hey, nice new haircut.
HEY GUYS: This isn't finished. Just a heads-up. Just thought I'd put something here overnight to simmer and ideally delight, like a pie on the windowsill.

Also speaking of OurChart I'm not gonna be your friends plus unless we really did make out, and even then, probs not, 'cause really Papi? That's between me and myself and I, and sometimes Lozo.

Anyhow, back to Autowin. For those of you that don't watch TLW, I'd suggest that you just imagine I'm talking about real people, real friends, and find it amusing that way. Mr. Redacted's ass-kissing assistant did, so you may as well too. Anyhoooooo .... I considered the following: Best quotes, moments, "things I've learned," worst moments, biggest surprises, the little things that got me through it all, best people, best whatevs. I dunno. I'm drawing a blank. So when in doubt, someone once said somewhere: write what you know. And this here be what I know.


10. Everyone In Planet Harlem
My neighborhood is essentially an open air insane asylum, and, if you've been paying attention, you're aware that I know from insane asylums. (Sidenote: If you haven't, let me clarify -- I've never personally been committed, though this dude I worked with at the OG used to tell me I reminded him of Heather Graham in the movie "Committed," and then I saw it, and she's obvs a total lunatic in that movie, and it's called "committed," get it?). In fact, we call it Planet Harlem 'cause of heckler's legendary comment to me one fine Summer afternoon: "Welcome to Planet Harlem, white girl." Actually, though people tend to think I'm just talking crazy when I say this: the reason that I cut my hair off was 'cause I was sick of people yelling at me all the time on the street, 'cause 125th is super-congested: apocalyptic literature vendors, super-aggro homeless people, incense salesman, DVD selling dudes and HECKLERS. The worst is the construction people slaving away on Harlem's constant gentrification building projects. I just wanted all these dudes to stop fucking yelling at me so I cut off my hair, wore baggier pants, and guess what, it totally worked. Also helpful: staying indoors 24/7.

9. Natasha on America's Next Top Model
Natasha may not've turned out to literally be a mail-order bride (just a randomized 18-year old Russian girl who married a fortysomething American dude and popped out a baby faster than McDonald's pops out a special-ordered cheeseburger sans-toppings), but she is hands-down-totes the most amazing person to ever appear on ANTM. She refuses to accept negative feedback, pretendin as if it's all positive. "When you name something, you can spell it as wrong or as right as you want." See, if you believe that you can spell words however you want to and then delcare your misspelling actually CORRECT by creating your own NEW RULE about ENGLISH, you auto-win. She was a magical Russian Sponge of Tyra-Insanity Delight. Some of her best moments were in this episode. Tyra, p.s., is too much of a cunt to be a weirdo.

There's just so much to learn about turning a negative into a positive from Natasha, like next time girls talk shit behind your back, just think: "This girls, they are very, very into my behavior. Every move I do, they watch me."

8. Haviland
You guys, Haviland is a total weirdo. She may seem normal, and I go to great lengths to enhance this illusion, but she's a total weirdo. E.g., she emailed us last week to announce the arrival of her new white bikini. What's funny is probs 500 people reading this right now are like "I wish I'd gotten that email." No but really, she is, just trust me. Obvs in the best way ever, etc. Like what makes Haviland's weirdohood work so well is that though I am a much bigger weirdo, it's in a totally different way. Like, I've got a lot of weirdo things in common with many of my closest friends, but Haviland's weirdo things always surprise and amuse and compel me. And for that, and many other things, I love hpsdiva.

FourFour, who reaps America's Next Top Model and is linked above (re: Natasha) does "pretty parties" at the end of each recap, it's a screencap fiesta. So I did a Weirdo Party for Haviland.

7. Amy Sedaris
Amy is my favorite weirdo. She is the funniest weirdo living right now, I just cannot get over how effin fantastic she is especially with cheeseballs. Just read this brill interview of her in The Believer, she even gets all profound at the end. She's what I aspire to be -- gutsy, totally un self-conscious, genuine, and truly dedicated to laughter above all else. Also, her brother David is pretty fucking awesome, even if his last two books seemed underwhelming, nothing's ever made me LOL so much as Naked. He tells funny weirdo stories about her.

6. These Randomized Girls on OurChart:
my ourchart

Once upon a time, Carly and I both had girlfriends and then around the same time we both didn't, and we weren't feeling so hot. And ... as we all know, the best place to find new love is on OurChart, so we went looking. And by that I mean we weren't looking for love on OurChart, we just thought it'd be funny to stay up all night on i-chat making fun of local OurChart ladies. If you're one of the few we chose to pay attention to and you're randomly reading this blog -- first of all, congrats on your newfound mastery of the English language -- I'd apologize but srsly I'm helping you out here, you need to fix your profile or you are never going to have sex with Jennifer Beals, sorz. Neither am I, like I'm a totes lost cause, but I want you to be happpyyyy like unicorns. As much as I'd like to, I'm not linking to the actual profiles we discussed 'cause I'm fundamentally, I think, a good person, most of the time. Except like, not right now for a minute. I mean, my profile's also retarded. OK, it's not as retarded as the girls we're talking about.

OH FYI 'People from history you'd like to have at a dinner party" is on the list of things you need to say about yourself. I said Strunk & White and Dana Fairbanks, obvs, and Tara looked up Dana Fairbanks thinking she must be some feminist author or something, and then found out the truth.

Anyhow, here we are talking about these weirdos. We probs went through about 20 profiles. Each convo is generally about a different person.

Me: I KNOW! And her dinner party is gonna be CAH-RAZY
Me: Also there's that photo of her ass. That could also not be her ass
Carly: I want to venture out on a limb here and say that it's not
Me: What are the 'southern continents' she wants to travel to exactly? Southern continents are like, Australia? I'm so confused by her.
Carly: Southern continents? like, the South Pole region?
Me: Everything about her is confusing. How did she get this far in life without learning how to spell?
Carly: Which one is south? antarctica or the arctic?
Me: Um, I know not what she speaks of.
Carly: I don't know. but i would like to visit it.
Me: I mean, that ass a damn southern continent if I ever saw one.
Carly: Ok, now this one... I'm sure she's nice, and there's a possibility she could be marginally attractive? (maybe, I'm being nice) but is that really the best photo you had? Really?
Me: I like that for music she just lists Rock and R & b "Rock." right. ROCK! ... DUDE: "Story of real murders life instreats me ..."I would love to go to scoutland. It looks really butiful and i would love to see it."
Carly: hahahaha. Scoutland huh? That sounds fun!
Me: It actually does! A bunch of scouts?!
Carly: "Hi, my tagline isn't grammatically correct."
Me: AASHADHHHFHASFH is all I have to say about "your."
Carly: That specific grammatical issue is listed on my myspace as a serious dislike.
Me: I like how she writes "lets see..." before her list of movies ... like she's thinking as she writes "hmm ... EVERYLESBIANMOVIEEVER"
Carly: Aw this poor girl's tagline is "where are all the smart girls?" ... um ... NOT ON OURCHART.
Me: haha
Carly: Which, hm, we're on ourchart ... BUT that's cause you're a guestbian and im a masochist.
Me: ... Haviland's on it. And Tara and Lainy. And Ilene Chaiken is on it!
Carly: Fuck Ilene Chaiken. fuck her right in the ear.
Me: guestbian=masochist
[sidenote: We know everyone's on OurChart, or like, most lesbians are. Wanna know why? Well ... why not? Totes we are all on OurChart, I heart OurChart, the Chart That is Ours. I should write another Guestbian column, any ideas?]
Carly: Nice photo, brooooo
Me: Dude, I bet she fucks girls with that hair
Carly: .. and grammar errors
Me: I mean literally
Me: Yikes American History X is her first fave movie. TROUBLED TEEN ... "Snowboarding!!!" Why does that get so many extra exclamation points?
Me: It means: "I am retarded." ... "and probs a cunt."
Carly: hey whut up yo broz" ... "hay shawty"
Me: Actually: "What is going on, young ladies? It is --" ... ... I give up.
Carly: I'm crying
Me: Dude -- "Not afraid to argue wit me. have a screaming match"
Carly: Read: "i will punch you out, sucka"
Me: she's like "I will throw my Mom's best vase that she won at Atlantic City right at your head, bitch"
Carly: This girl just added me.
Me: "Gypsy, tramp, theif"
Me: DUDE, you found shane! ... She likes The Tudors.
Carly: ew.
Me: Dude, I think dominiqueoxoxousousad is a porn star. I mean seriously? her favorite movies? ... She doesn't speak english.
Carly: I know right.
Carly: Magazines: "maxium"
Me: MAXIUM? You're spelling a retarded magazine WRONG?
Carly: This girl kinda looks like my friend Stef except my friend Stef is way hotter
Me: Whwatt/??!?
Carly: Also she likes Slipknot and is a republican?
Carly: No I've got your porn star right here: [link]
Me: dominiquexo might be fun to sleep with if you were like, 18 and had just come out.
Carly: Yeah
Me: But she'd probably keep calling ...
Me: omg i feel dirty already looking at this new one
Carly: I think not, re: tagline.
Me: Is that the demonstration? on her pic?
Carly: hahahahahaha
Me: ... of how she'll have me cumming?
Carly: in her bathroom, it would seem
Me: seriously her name is NOT Aska Lala ... because that is MY NAME ...starting now.
Carly: her name is Asdf Jkl; ... (home row, what what!)
Me: holla
Me: Wait did you link me to the horse stable girl?
Carly: I think so
Me: Awww she likes Jewish girls. And poetry! ..occupation "horse stable worker" ...sketchy ... I changed mine to "crack dealer." ... which isn't sketchy at all.
Carly: This one is my favorite:
Me: Oh gross i'm gonna barf. Seriously Wayne. ..."Strength in body and mind someone like my father.... stand up or me fight for me but gentle enough to cry with at night when I am araid" ... I'm araid too of your spelling of the word "afraid." eirdo. ... this is GENIUS: "I am very eclectic from movies to walks in the park to hanging in the city with friends,having coffe in abook store reading for hours to Bdsm" ... how she just busts out with BDSM at the end?! ... and then aAGAIN as a guilty pleasure?
Carly: I seriously cant breathe I'm laughing so hard ...
Me: like she's trying to slip it in like no one will notice ... like they'll read it and then afterwards be like "wait...did she say... that she likes it rough?"
Carly: Marilyn is self employed. I think you'll see why.
Me: Wow also though like "isolated lesbian looking for a new life online" um ... therapy? ...Jesus.
Carly: Seriously.
Me: Tanya, get your shit together!
Carly: No ourchart is therapy.
Me: Good point ... at least she uses complete sentences ..."my favorite movie is..."
Me: Everyone on ourchart is retarded!
Carly: This girl is ready to fuck shit up ... she thought that picture would help her get pussy ...also, she's a nurse? ...really?
Me: I know she's totally talking in the Gwen voice "Come over and I'll stick these UP YOUR VAGINA"
Carly: TFLLL ... "hi my name is gwen"
Carly: Also except does not = accept.
Me: Um ... occupation ... please look right now ...and tell me what you think about her struggles ... and where they could be coming from.
Carly: Maybe she's a "struggeling writer" too
Me: Probs
Carly: She's INVOLVED? lord.
Me: She's so mysterious about her personality, and so revealing about her pores
Carly: Ok we've exhausted NJ ... damn, that was incredible.
Me: Whew.
Carly: [link] omg, i am in love ... guilty pleasures: SEX. ...HOTTT.
Me: do you think that after having sex, she'll leave her shirt? ...she lives EVERYWHERE?
Carly: she is OMNIPRESENT ... I should change my profile to include only responses that would be made by Trudy Weigel on Reno 911. interests: cats. collecting thimbles. spooning.
Me: Totally ... you might attract a lot of weirdos
Carly: True.
Me: Just warning you.
Carly: Which is why I'm not. Going to do that.
Me: I'm gonna attract a lot of people who like crack. The drug.
Carly: I'm only a masochist to a certain degree.
Me: Yes. I think we all are. "We all" = me.

5. The Entire Cast of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequilla, except Dani, and Tila, who's too boring to be weird

The clips show really spelled it all out for me. V. helpful, especially considering I've been speaking about this show w/o actually watching it for a majority of the season. That country boy didn't know anyone's name, Vanessa was drunk drunk drunk the whole time, everyone wrestled in vats of chocolate pudding AND it turns out that Amanda's a victim of the EXACT plague that's always prevented me from pursuing a career in reality television (yes, the only thing, the one and only thing, otherwise I'd be amazingly racing the bachelorette all over temptation fucking island to become the top chef for a real housewife of orange county once we stop being polite and start getting real). Amanda was just being sarcastic, y'all! When you listen to her talk for a while, you realise she's just making fun of the dumb blonde thing, but they cut out all the stuff that may've made you realise what a genuine person she was. No lie. Totes love Amanda. She's no Dani, but she's a funny lady.

4. These Guys
(Alex/Semicolon, Riese, Haviland, Stef, the spirit of Cait)

3. Jenny Schecter

Oh, Jenny. In Season One, when the writing was good, you were a resolutely unlikeable person. You played the bi card all wrong and broke hearts like they were cheap mugs filled with cheap merlot you'd accidentally knocked over on your way to the Chunky Monkey. You were every writer's worst nightmare: you thoroughly mined your past and its accordant pains and tragedies -- your rape, your simple sadness and isolation, your state of being: a lonely little lez in the Midwest (On "The L Word," the proverbial lonely Midwestern Lez is often exploited for Her Full Lonely Potential)-- for moments of carnival clarity ... and ended up wringing real emotion dry in favor cheap sentimental angry gut-pouring memoir sold as fiction which by Season Four was pissing everyone off. You'd written about your friends, lacking even the ability to mask their named adaquetly. And you could've fought back normally, as your prior character suggested, by being all whacky and neurotic and shit (while the equally insane lesbians go tsk tsk Jenny), but instead! Instead! In Season Four, you just got abso-fucking-lutely awesome. You killed a dog to get to the girlfriend of the girl who gave you a bad book review in Curve magazine. I mean that is pretty effin awesome. Also, I met her! Stacey Merkin. She's totally rad. Jenny's lines of brilliance were so beautiful, they became Moments.

This is Jenny sitting happily with her choice to turn More Girls into a musical. With the Ditty Bops! I hope they get Amy Ray and Emily Saliers in on this gig.

"The thing is that the vagina's girlfriend was molested and now she's like this perfect saint, which is just like, awesome, and I was abused and I'm like this fucked up nitwit, but that was my experience, and that's mine and I don't know why she's slamming my own experience though!" (Jenny)

2. TB

When Tara was TB (a.k.a. manic), she'd concoct the strangest dinners of all time. When I cooked for us I'd make a bunch of food, scoop my portion onto my plate and then return to the pan, dump a bunch of hot sauce on the rest of it, mix it up, and dump that on her plate. Similar to the process I used when cooking for my ex-boyfriend who needed to melt American cheese on everything. (What's crazier? You decide.)

She just needed everything spicy, everything illuminated in the chili-pepper/star/red blaring type they use on Chinese take-out menus to warn you what you're getting into: what your mouth's just signed up for. You know, the footnote1 they put on the menus: VERY HOT. Like ... life was on overdrive & pumped up, hypo-manic thought patterns setting brain on fire, and thus, also the tongue, too, needed to be on fire. It needed half a jar of crushed red pepper flakes, needed salt&pepper&basil&oregano&garlic salt and several generous dollups of Tabasco & hot sauce. It needed scrambled eggs with spinach and onions and asparagus and tomatoes and mushrooms and garlic cloves and chives and terriyaki sauce and soy sauce and sesame oil and olive oil. 3 A.M., Macbethish over the stove, and I'd be laughing (you have to sometimes, you have to), "Oh my GOD I can't believe you're actually going to eat that, that looks like an accident ... your stomach can seriously handle anything," and she'd laugh (you have to) "My stomach hates me." I'd say: "No, your liver, your liver hates you more." The best part was how she didn't want to waste any food so she'd fully wrap it up and totally have it for breakfast the next day, but this time, with even MORE tabasco sauce. This time with actual chili peppers.

I've always lived in apartments with gas stoves -- that click-click-click and then blue then whoosh then fire -- but my Mom's old house had an electric stove, and I never learned, really, a better way to test the presence of lingering heat besides sticking my hand right on the burner, like my brain continually forgot to give the big N-O to that thought before I'd already turned it into action. Mom started putting pot lids over the burners while they cooled 'cause I had such issues burning off my fingerprints, walking into the living room with held-up hand and requisite perfect round white blisters instead of fingerprints. but I did it so much that it eventually stopped hurting. (This came in handy at the Mac-Grill when I expo'ed 5,000 degree plates of lasanga w/o getting burned). I don't like electric stoves. I like things that cool down faster.

That last paragraph is unrelated. Sorta. Whatevs. Anyhow that tangent -- or rather, the existence of that tangent -- segues nicely into my next point ... (oh also, that painting there is from this girl erika somogyi)

1. Me
Hands down totes the biggest weirdest weirdo of the year: ME. Most readers who've met me in real life say I'm not as crazy as I make myself sound on here. I think that's 'cause I usually write alone -- or if there's someone here, it's generally someone I know pretty well -- so I let myself go WILD on the page, like a TIGER. Also because I try to seem normal around normal people. It's funny, and I guess this relates to a way a lot of people relate to me (like you, all y'all) -- how easy it is to enable one another's neurosis or insanity, emotion, intelligence, creativity, caring, compassion, emotion ... how contagious behavior of all kinds can be sometimes ... how much we start to talk or think or write or eat or drink or act like whomever's around us or whomever's set up residence in our hearts or psyches, which sometimes look like the same organs. I say I'm ME, I say I'm like, my own totes randomized weirdo, but the truth is, I'm just randomized. Which is fine. Seriously. It totally is.

1: Stars, "Your Ex-Lover is Dead," from the album "Set Yourself on Fire." The lyrics of this song include the opening: "When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire," as well as the following lines: "the scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin," and "live through this and you won't look back." The album's title song, "Set Yourself on Fire," includes the lyrics: "In the darkest part of you that you have ever seen, in the smile of the child staring at the TV screen, in the diary of a priest, in the sheets that lie upon his bed, out there amongst the waves and inside your lover's head, there is only one thing. There is only one thing. There is only one thing. There is only one thing. There is only one thing." According to last-fm, I listened "Your Ex-Lover is Dead" 116 times in August.


Anonymous said...

Love it!! Hilfuckinlarious!!

asher said...

you totally just made me check my ourchart profile for grammatical errors.

and to erase that bdsm bit.

word veri - hqgin
gin headquarters - holla!

Jo said...

This was brilliant. I LOL'ed, which could have been due to my extreme exhaustion, as it is currently 5 am, but it was probs hilarious too. looking forward to the next 5 when I get back from my final exams this afternoon!

Sorry if that was one long run on sentence, but, again, it's 5 am right now.

Ms. Jackson said...

Oohh, I love haikus. Threadless.com had the most awesome haiku t-shirt. It said,
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense

it's the jeans said...

first of all... first paragraph, mostly that which is (...)= totes brill! :-)

Haiku: again, brilliance!

Natasha quote: stange looks from co workers as I read this on my lunch today and LOLed like I've never LOLed at a blog before.

That is all, for now.

word ver: iwargnd
clearly, "i warned" as in "i warned my dear natasha, this girls, they are sad for your beauty. this are jealous girls to you"

Haviland Stillwell said...

You know what, that white bikini is going to blow your mind! And also...fyi, it was the SYMBOLISM of the white bikini that excited me...about what is to come in my near future.

...I was going to edit that last sentance, but you know, Lozo, just take it and run...it's a freebie.

AK said...

I totally rely on you for latest masochistic L Word teasers and your comments on them. I've been working on my Ilene Chaiken shield so she can't run me through emotional mill no matter what crap she dishes up with that freaken' Elizabeth Ziffry or whatevs her name is. All of it designed to get back at the fans in some way just to show us whose on top. I still love the show and the women, but I'm sure I will need the support of Auto Straddle to get through Season 5 esp. since I may be out of the country in a part of the world devoid of Showtime. That could be a blessing actually. I shall return later to read your actual list. Still no computer of my own.

Lozo said...

if i had known haviland was going to toss me a freebie, i would have skipped the sex and the city marathong and gotten my ass on a train.

carlytron said...

I think it is fairly obvs that we were both on liquid diets and not sleeping very much when we had that conversation. Ah, the good ol' days ...

Also: just LOLed on the njtrans whilst reading this. I love ourchart!

riese said...

anon: HiligucusfdlklsdiI!!!!!

asher: BDSM is HOT

jo: u kids and your exams, enuough already i kneed u all back here with me giving me attention and laughing. it wasn't exahaution it was intense humor explosion

i would like to buy
that t-shirt for myself
but not to wear it

itsthe jeans
tell your coworkers
they can LOL with you
if they read my blog

obvs i'm gonna come
all over your bikini
but not on purpose

AK: I now posssess the original Showtime press packet containing information on all upcoming episodes. Howevs, I feel reading this information may cause pre-partum depression and therefore i resist the urge.

lozo: there were many reasons you could've gotten on the train. sex and the city happens in the city you knoew. this is like where it takes place. it's shot here. in this city. manhattan. in the city of manhattan.

carlytron: Oooohhh the good days ... WINK ... and now we can say we WERE accomplishing something, 'cos it's on the blogg!

Crystal said...

I was thinking about setting up an ourchart profile yesterday - my favourite Americans bought me TLW season 4 and the way it so subtly cross-promoted ourchart was super effective, it had me sold. But now after reading this I'm certain my love of slipknot and bad spelling would only leave me open for ridicule. On the brighter side, at least now I'll be able to laugh along with your Papi jokes.

a;ex said...

Wow, who are those weirdos in your "shards of a vlog" vlog?
What a bunch of weirdos.

No really though - right on. This list is perfect.

And you really do have mad crazy skills at editing for turning that hot mess into something watchable.
I've seen the magic happen kids...

juls said...

the video was amazing i hope some weirdo in florida sees it. you guys nailed her- hood up, hands on head, 'it's totally fine guys, no worries, it's not a big deal'


asher said...

i've just decided, haviland and riese get all the love.

what about carlytron?

i hereby declare that i do believe carlytron is hot.

so there.

a;ex said...

p.s. GREAT picture of the wonderful Jenny Schecter. Totally made me LOL.

p.p.s. Word Verif - "tgtoy"... whatevs that is sounds like fun.

dorothy said...

I didn't read the "to be filled in" part before TB and you. I get excited, I read ahead, then I laughed. It was like you were saying that it is what it is, no explanation needed.

Also totally second Carly's hotness.

word veri- bldxcnt- had to be shared. Do with it what you will.

stef said...

did i just check out haviland's rack in that shot? what?


word veri: cctask. as in: i should be working.

Lozo said...

semicolon has a sexy laugh.

riese said...

Crystal: I am just so excited you're watching Season Four I can hardly speak. Now you'll know what your t-shirt means, too.

a;ex: Magic? Like Magic the Gathering? (before your time, 86?) What's brill is I did that at 3 am when I couldn't sleep. The real version will be amazing I promise. I dont know who those weirdos are, but hey, you, nice hat.

juls: yay! Hi! I hope some weirdo in Florida sees it too, I believe the title of the file the movie clips are stored in is "DecemberAll4Cait." No worries, totally, it's totally fine.

asher: I agree. What about Carlytron? Carlytron is hot. Carlytron was not in that video though, sidenote, it was Haviland, various versions of ME, Semicolon and Stef. But if we're taking a time-out in general just to praise Carly's general hotness, then I'm all for it. At the risk of making Carly squirm, I'd like to draw your attention to the photograph used for this graphic. Point made.

a;ex: I wonder if someone's written a book about how to make a tgtoy ...

dorothy: You know what, you're almost like ... spot on. When I read your comment I thought -- she's right. Enough said. But maybe I'll still say it anyhow. also, re: Carly, see above.

stef: It's okay, Haviland checks out my rack all the time.

Lozo: You should hear colon.

Anonymous said...

I hate to rate hotness, (not really I love it) in a scale of 1 - 10
Alex = hotness.

So when do we get to hear Alex talk?

Allie said...

I've been sick, and haven't been keeping up in my usual re-fresh clicking madness, and whoa. Reading this whole thing at once makes my head feel like it might explode. Or, maybe that's still my sinuses. But this made me laugh a lot. At least you know how weird you are.

Lozo said...

ha! colon! because it's BIGGER than a SEMIcolon! hahahaha! OMG LMAO!!!

dewey said...

Hey hey, its been a while since i commented, in fact i think the last time i commented was my birthday which was like 2 weeks ago! Life's been hectic.

I think our definitions of weirdos must be totally different, you wanna meet real weirdos you should come to my college, lots of weird people....Also i feel like this lady should of made the list http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm? fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=71229511

a;ex said...

wow, that's awesome. Thanks anonymous, but did you hear that laugh? Like really?
(You know, the one Lozo secretly loves so much? Lozo... stop playing with my heart.)

This is why it's good for everyone that I didn't talk (or "tawk" as it would probs sound.)

Daria said...

That laugh (we all know which one), should be repeated over and over and over again... like a REMIX!

And the creep in the middle (Riese, a;lex and Hav), did you check out that STARE????


asher said...

i'm aware she wasn't in that video. and i'm aware my random declaration of carlytron's hotness when it hasn't even recently been brought to the forefront does make my sanity more of a question than normal.

however - in general, just wanted to get that out there. yeah.

dorothy said...

Now my head hurts from trying to define weirdo based on your list. I just don't know.

I totally get the contagiousness of behavior- like those points where you say things and you don't know if it is you or them or when people look at you and see that other person and not you. Funny creatures people.

caitlinapril said...


haviland is a weirdo in like the best possible way. like i love that she got the bikini and was like omg i have to email them to let them know, the thought process is what makes it great.

also, if that was a vlog i'd say it was awesome, but since it wasn't i'll just say it's fine. totally fine. no worries.

i've forgotten what you said about like how people start to speak like each other and be like each other and etc. i have many thoughts on this, which i will share privately cause i'm totally rambling as it is.

and finally, after reading these comments i got super freaked out that carly was in this video and i totally missed her, just fyi

Fragolina said...

Brilliant, as per ushe (sp?). I especially loved Haviland singing "Be My Baby," which happens to be one of my favorite pop songs of all time.

Also, thinks for the links to the Amy Sedaris interview and the Lorrie Moore piece. They were both amazing. I think I may love Amy even more than I love David, if that's possible.

carlytron said...

Hi. I wasn't in the video, as My Job is consuming My Life right now. Had I been in the video, I promise that it would've been amazing. But I think the video was amazing regardless. Great Cait impressions, guys.

I am trying to watch the new L Word trailer and the page is taking forever to load cause OurChart is the crappiest website ever.

Cait: come back!!

Riese, my hair is so long and awful in that photo, I totally squirmed OMG LOL ROTFL.

(OurChart? Still loading!)

Asher, I think that the focus of this blog is in its right place and maybe if I got my shit together and wrote in my own blog more often there would be more of me on the interweb. Unfortunately, I do not see that happening anytime soon.

OMG did anyone watch the finale of A Shot at Love? I don't want to spoil it for you all ...

Wow, I have ADD. Asher and Jo, please feel free to continue talking about me. Others, feel free to join in. I love you all.

(I gave up on OurChart)

Anonymous said...


kazzie said...

great haiku. one of the best i've ever read. honestly.

also, your vlog that isn't a vlog, was brill. you all rocked the hoodie look. fantastic.

Razia said...

Dude it's like everytime I try and pull away from the auto-universe or blog reading or commenting or life in general - for whatever reason it may be - something that's totally random but totally not at the same time shocks me. Like your commentary on TB and the flavour explosion - it's really weird but lately I was thinking about different people and the stuff they eat and how it can be so representative of their personalities.

Yeah, so, reading that was like woah. Go you.

ry guy said...

I think the biggest weirdo is Alex for not making any attempt to speak in the shards of a vlog. You usually can't get that girl to shut up. Except when she is with a certain someone and they sneak away to a certain "special" lair of theirs. Anyway, I love it!

rehab.hell said...

It looks like when Haviland and Alex are sitting in the background whoever is up close is sitting on their knee.

Weirdo retardo things at christmas,

Ethnic Santa - it's the new barbie kids

A Boney M Christmas - Whaaaat?

Christmas presents from your boss -Option: put my share on the bar at the Christmas party. Except the year I got a Lava lamp and broke it on the stairs on my way home.

Lozo said...

is it march yet? come on already. recap! recap! recap!

dewey said...

I just tried my link from yesterday and realised it doesnt actually work! I have no excuse for this mistake, apart from it was late last night and i was tired.

Here is the link that should work

This lady is a legend...be sure to look at all the pics!

Word veri-gaynitt, obvs german for not gay!

Irish and Jew said...

reading about tb made me really wanna go across the street and get chinese food... damnit


riese said...

anonymous: You can find her cell phone number on her facebook profile.

allie: There is only one thing I know for sure and that is that I am a weirdo.

lozo: Oh, YOU! Always getting my jokes without much explanation.

dewey: Hiiii! Oh, trust me. These people are real weirdos, totally myself included.

a;ex: Aw, tawk

daria: I think you'll find additional priceless delight in the extended version.

asher: There is nothing insane or abnormal about your random declaration of carly's hotness.

dorothy: The definition of weirdo is people who are a little weird, but not SO weird that I'm not allowed to talk about them. Oh people, fundamnetally funny and all.

caitlinoctober: If it makes you feel any better, I made the video and I had the same concern about totally missing Carly's appearance. But totes, no worries, everything's gonna be totally fine, yeah, totally.

fragolina: I too, have spent nights with matches and knives wondering if it's "ush" or "ushe." Thank you for following my links, I think my actual goal in life is not to make people read my writing, but to make people read the writing of other people who I enjoy.

carlytron: Your comment sparked an entire conversation about how funny it is that people apologise like "I'm sorry, I actually had to do work at work today and couldn't read your blog ..." as if that's the exception and not the rule. I love it. Also, I LOVE THAT PICTURE. It's okay, Haviland loves this one photo of her and I from after TLW party where I look like a toes moppet. I am still afraid of this OurChart of which you speak. Promo DVDs are in the mail, eff all kinds of OurChart.

anonymous: anonymous=hotness

kazzie: The alllllmighty hoodie, holla.

razia: pull away?!! pull away!!?!!?!? You can never pull away, I'll crash and burn! I'd never thought of how moods&madness can contribute to different food-related appetites and I think it's fascinating. Really, really, I do.

ry guy: We talk alot. It is hard to get a word in edgewise. Sometimes, we all talk at once. If Carly had been there, and Carly, Stef, Haviland and I were all talking, there would've been even less tawking. But, you know, the real vlog vlog includes, indeed ... tawking.

rehab.hell: Haviland and Alex have the same knee?!!! That is weirdo craziness. Personally, all I want for christmas is a lava lamp.

lozo: I can't talk about our secret affair. You know that, right?

dewey: On a scale of 1 to 10, I prefer the bearded lady to Tila Tequila, maybe.

irish and jew: I only had to go to my fridge, because I had Chinese leftovers. Then I ate them and it was delicious.