AUTOMATIC APPAREL Store Launch!!!

"Everyone looks good in a pair of Auto-Straddle boy briefs!"
-Haviland Stillwell, prettiest lesbian in NYC

Gimme Gimme.
Gimme Gimme (more).

I hate the word "launch" used in reference to webbernet activities, but I can't figure out what word to use besides "launch" to announce the opening of the greatest webstore of all time, Automatic Apparel. Currently we've got Really Papi t-shirts, Automatic Win tanks and Automatic Straddle boyshorts.


That's right. It's open. Right now the product selection is limited and the sizes are too, so GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT.

If you ORDER BEFORE CHRISTMAS, you'll get a free Auto-Win/Straddle-Soundtrack! That's right, a CD filled with the musical delights I've annoyed you with all year long! It might make you want to kill yourself, but if I'm still here, you can still be here too.

So back to me: the word "launch" reminds me of lunch, my least favorite meal, and it implies flight (e.g., spaceships, time machines), which's a bit pathetic/ambitious 'cause, despite the implications of the word "cyberspace," computers can't fly. Only R Kelly can fly. Oh, you know what else can fly? That's right: eagles. When's "Save the Eagles Day," Riese? January 10th, only four days after my other favorite holiday, "L Word Day." Gee, now's a perfect time to start shopping for Save the Eagles Day! Where should we shop? I dunno ... um ....




In lieu of claiming to launch anything, let me put it like this: if you were to click this link to the AUTOMATIC APPAREL store, you might be surprised to find a plethora of delightful objects available for purchase, including Lozo's virginity, Haviland's hair gel, Carly's favorite pairs of sunglasses and Vicky's breasts (which you may recall were personally autographed by Tegan & Sara). JK! Just t-shirts, tanks and BOYSHORTS. All of this has been made possible by the stellar team of Stef and Semicolon. I'm just you know, writing about it. And um, not well, one could argue.

Though I can't say that these products will ship in time for the holidays -- or that it matters, 'cause really, is anyone actually at their computer right now (apparently this is a big day for shopping and traveling? I don't know, you kids with your friends & your families!) -- but, in case you're wondering -- and I think that you are -- the merch will be ready to ship in time for you to CLAIM that you intended to purchase these items for the holidays. It's just pretty unlikely they'll arrive in time. I mean, if JCrew can't do it, we probs can't either.

Also, critter alert: I didn't know how crittertastic Mariah looked in this video, but now I do 'cause I saw it at the gym today. I can't imagine anything better, besides of course Auto-Straddle boyshorts.

Also, I don't really know much about how all this works. I'm just being used for my starpower, obvs. Funds will go to the Auto-Empire Team and probs to some of the homeless people on 125th. Remember that the stronger the Auto-Empire, the less paid work we have to do, and the more time I have to dedicate to L Word recaps.

But seriously order now. Now now now. Stef is waiting to handle all the logistics for me, obvs.