Sunday, April 08, 2007

Sunday Top 10: A Year of Automatic Winning

Anniversary Blog

Welcome to Anniversary Week here at Auto-Win. It is Spring. A time for re-birth, bunnies/snowshowers, Jesus, layering, and breads of affliction. This week, Auto-Win turns "ONE." If you'd like to celebrate Auto-Win's birthday with style, please give me money, thanks. Tip jar on the left. Or you can sponsor a starving child in Ecuador.* Your call.

*or both!


the first post: "wrap me up, unfold me." saturday, april 8th, 2006.

Many things have changed since then. For example: world's one step closer to apocalypse, I got me a BFF (Haviland ) and a GF (Tara ), I'm less employed but more published, hair's blonde again, one of my former blog-stars recently called me "toxic" and totes meant it ("Well you are toxic. To her." -Haviland)*, and I've switched from Georgia to Trebuchet.

*I think we're both totally over it now. Peace on earth, etc.

Some things haven't changed: still owe Visa my first-born child and my left arm, still can't spell, still afraid of the telephone, still usually 5-25 minutes late, still sleeping on Krista's sheets with Ingrid's comforter, still haven't read any Russian literature (crime/punishments, brothers-k, anna-k, etc) except Nabakov, still write intros that are often longer than the post itself, still a little moody about Winter and New York City.

April 8th:
"So, a public blog. The kind of blog that someone I: dated, share DNA with, sat next to in 7th grade spanish, lived with in 1998, live with now, see ever yday, work with, have applied to work for, barely even know, is obsessed with me(more people than you would think, seriously) can access and read.

I've kept a livejournal for about 4 years, but the audience for that is fairly limited." (FOOTNOTE: HOLLA JENNA)

But--maybe it will be good for me. I think, especially now, my personality has become kinda fragmented. And although there are far more important things in the world than the Generation X Search for Self, it might be a good idea for me to try to consolidate myself into someone I recognize, and therefore not panic when someone random asks to be my friendster."

Obviously this is so 2006, because no-one uses friendster anymore. Have I become less fragmented? I think so. Or else I've just chosen one part, put it here, and waited for people to get it. For example: one may argue that I used my blog to "come out." Cowardly? Yes. But also efficient? YES INDEED.

Though I was unawares at the time, I introduced my very first Sunday Top Ten on my very first blog entry. I wrote "I am fairly sure that every post I make will fall into one of the following 10 categories" and then listed them. In an exercise of remote vanity, I have decided to test the truthiness of this prediction. This is the "meat" of this blog entry.


10. So, today I was at _________ [Duane Reade, Gristedes, D'Agostino, Rite Aid] and my service was so bad that I ____________ [yelled at the pharmacist, stole a Cliff bar] and all the cashiers were just standing around like morons doing ___________ [their nails, nothing]. How can they provide such terrible service?

I def. talked about this way less than I expected to. In order to achieve inner peace, one might want to avoid Rite-Aid. Krista spent two weeks on hold with various insufferable insititutions, including : "duane mother-fucking reade: on hold for the majority of the best, most beautiful years of my life (as they tried to locate my prescription. and they are all retarded. literally. retarded.)"

Anyhow, I don't gotta do this no more, as someone's created an entire blog dedicated to hating on Duane Reade. I salute you.

9. If I ever get cable again--

We totally did. Lo and I got DirectTV in Williamsburg, just in time for me to move out. They continue to mail me the bills, and her new roommate continues to call them, pretend to be my husband, and pay the bill when they shut it off. Obviously remote responsibility is not my thing.

--I would talk about the progression of my favorite programs, e.g. America's Next Top Model. Oh wait, except I don't watch that show anymore, it's over for me and Ty-Ty after she booted Kim with a swift kick of utter unfairness and possible homo-phobia, I mean winner-phobia.

Yeah. Totally don't watch that show anymore. Or any shows, really, except at the gym, when I'll watch whatever they've got on while I work out and read a magazine. And here in Warlem, we DO have cable! Sometimes I like to watch the news. Today I was on the phone with my Grandma, and she was all like "I can't watch the news. Grandpa likes to have it on but I can't stand it, it's never good news, do I really need to know how many people got shot in Cincinnati today?

I could also talk about The L Word, but the season just ended,

OH DID I EVER. Automatic Straddle. Which launched me into a stratosphere of meta-television-fandom I can't even begin to comprehend.
I met Shane. And there's not enough sex on The L Word.

or shows that piss me off as a feminist, like Room Raiders (not gay room raiders though, which rules) or those shows where women wear shiny dresses and cry a lot over douchebag guys that are seeking a wife who will fill the void left in their hearts after they graduated from Wash U in 1987 and left their Alpha Phi brothers behind. P.S. Josh Lymnan is so fucking dreamy. The West Wing is such government porn.

Rosie announced that she would join the cast of The View (little did I know one day I'd be ON the View!), which was the same day I watched Brokeback Mountain, finished The Well of Loneliness, and killed myself. Also, MTV is no longer a good television channel. And I heart Emmet Honeycutt more than just about anyone else in the whole wide (imaginary) world who (doesn't really exist and is) awesome.

8. Where's my money? When will I be rich?

I think this is more of an "overarching theme." Specifically adressing these references would be like if this blog was The Old Testament and number 8 was "Where's the Jews? When is someone gonna try to kill off the Jews?" (side note: I'm a Jew, and I'm gonna live forever, watch me, bitches!)

All it takes is one jaunt to the hinterlands to remind you that living in NYC keeps you very poor and very young, re: pensions (1. not having a "pension," 2. not knowing what a "pension" is), re: not owning a car, re: not earning a "salary" (which I claimed "keeps me on my toes," which I now realize is the same thing Matty said about why he missed "the voices" and didn't want to take his medication)

7. I am so funny! Here's what I said today that was funny: ____________ 7a. My friends are so funny! Here's what they said that was so funny:______________ 7b. Jon Stewart is so funny! KC and Elka from the Planet Podcast are so funny!

We've got our own little glossary of commonly used phrases for you to enjoy and incorporate into your own vocabulary, which is likely not near as hip as ours. OOPS I did it again, providing explanations for commonly referenced phrases/cultural moments like "Rex Manning Day," "I must pass," and "the suicide of Kurt Cobain."

At the end of 2006, I re-capped the best written quotes of the year (including the now oft-googled Natalie Raaber classic: "Question: is it okay to febreeze my hair?") and the best spoken quotes of the year like:

Marie: Remember when I made the password on your computer "Michigan" so you'd remember where I was from?
Matty: Yeah, but then I fucking stabbed that computer with a really big knife.

6. Links to things I have written, or mentions of things I've written being published.

What boggles me about this is what is the difference between the first part of this sentence and the second part? Is there anything I could possibly publish that wouldn't be, in some way, linkable? And if so, would that story be published in: a) a cave, b)stone tablets, c)The DeLorean, d)outer space? Also, why does my new phone say "new message" every time I have one? It's totally freaking me out?

But actually I had trouble with linking at first, until I learned the fine art of self-promotion from h.p. stillwell. Not enough to link to these things again though.

5. I should stop eating so much candy.

Dude! I TOTALLY DID! Actually, my candy-consumption can be blamed on various playmates (e.g. Matty, Lauren, Stephanie) who encouraged candy consumption by consuming a lot of candy. Living with Lo was tough in this regard, as she often came home bearing large bags of Hersheys Nuggets--bags which, previously, I believed one could only purchase circa Halloween.
Fuck! There goes my Sidekick again! I need a Twix.

4. Isn't it interesting, how technology has changed our world?

E.G. Right now my Sidekick keeps going "new message" like a robo-totesbag.

Also: everything I have in life I owe to the internet, specifically craigslist. That post was what first landed me on craigslist, thus igniting the road my ego has taken from "insecure" to "insecure with more reasons not to be." Also, CRAIG totally just commented on that post, like a month ago! Hot, right?

New York Magazine noticed that kids have no desire for privacy. They called this the: "i am" generation. I think: "I AM gonna make my own myspace page as if I was 15." It was one of the most clever/time-consuming blog-worthy decisions I've ever made in my life. One of my favorite bloggers, high class jackass, linked to me 'cause she thought it was funny. I love it when people you read who might read you reveal that they DO read you.

I've got a Guestbian blog on all about it, totes.

tb: hi
i destroyed donna at pool tonight
like all 5 games
during one i got all strategic
3:41 AM she was about to take a shot
and i was like,
me: NICE
tb: i gotta tell you something
me: haha
tb: and she was like, "what?"
i was like,
"dude, i joined ourchart."
totally missed her shot
she was like, wtf?
i was like, yeah dude
tb: i rock the chart that is ours
our bodies our selves our pride our fucking chart dude
and she like died
3:42 AM right there
so yeah
me: that's hillarious
i'm LOLIng
that's like the best strategy EVER
tb totally
tb: i talked about you tonight

me: what did you say: "even though she likes the l word, she also knows how to read?"

3. I miss ________. [Pretty generous list of people to pick from here]

I thought I'd see if Ryan was google-able, he emailed me that same day. The long stream of cosmic coincidences continued, culminating in the seizure of a Dionne Warwick album from a street-corner. I knew I'd miss Williamsburg cuz I'll miss me some Spoonbill & Sugartown bookstore, some Wonder Twins, but totes would obvs never, ever, in a million years spent on Rockaway Beach with visitation to Astoria, miss the L train. OMG. That would be AWESOME for a title of an episode of "The L Word."

I miss the boat. I miss that Illinois t-shirt but Stephen won the hotties in publishing contest and I got Cowboys are my Weakness back. Also I miss FLANNNEL.

2. America is so fucked up! George Bush is dumb! Why can't gay people get married? Nebraska: WTF?!!!

The army is recruiting it's new troops off of craigslist (it's all like, NO NUDITY! PLEASE LEAVE NAME NUMBER TIME 2 CALL @), my psychiatrist asked me if I had gender identity problems and then theorized that I have men AND women "lined up around the block" for me and George W. interrupts "The View" like every day.

1. I heart _________. [Mary Gaitskill, Eggo Waffles, the skyline, etc.]

See that? See how I was already copping out, so early in the game??


Anonymous said...

Big boredom with mag articles about the I AM generation, also because I am French and IAM is a really wrong rap group that raps about rape, I mean raps as in circa 1992, but now they are calling it quits because the lead person has a crack addiction and a gold grill.
That was really interesting, eh?
I'm so glad you became BFF with Haviland because she is my future Dulcinea, and am currently plotting wooing moves and scary stalkerishness, and hoping that the French Factor of Fabulousness will avoid all police intervention, as in "Aî am Frenche, Aî am not ze creepy."
I love you Haviland.

Mercury said...

your blog is only a year old? For some reason, I always assumed it was like, 5 years old, and I just stumbled along in time for its fame. Or something. I started reading in August, I do beleive.

riese said...

my fame is fresh. so fresh and so clean. that's funny that you thought it had been around for a long time, that makes me feel like a superstar.

Anonymous said...

happy one year! and many more!


Mercury said...

you ARE a superstar! hence the fame.

Laia said...

happy 1 year! i think you will be much more famous in the future;)

sara said...

Dear Riese,

I have been reading your blog for 4 months and find your writing consistently good, thought-provoking or just hilarity-provoking. Thank you and keep up the good work! I look forward to the day when your faithful early readers will be able to boast about reading you back in 2006!

Razia said...

There's really no way to say this without sounding creepy, stalkerish and/or like a douche. In fact, I often stay far away from leaving comments in efforts to not seem like the aforementioned creepy/stalker/douche, no offense to ppl who like to comment it's just not typically my thing, but I digress. Not only is your writing great, it's also v entertaining. I have only been reading your blog for a couple of months now but your sense of humor and wittiness is so on point that I was hooked after my first read. I always assumed that no one shared the same kind of *unique* humor that my friends and I do but the parallels I have drawn are uncanny (I hope you take this as a compliment as I hold my friends - and myself lol - in the highest regard). It's quite refreshing to find that not everyone is as unpleasant as some of the squares out there. Happy Anniversary and keep em coming!

riese said...

Aw, you guys are so la-la-la-wonderful and I love you so much it hurts to look at you. HURTS.

angelina said...

of course I read your blog..esp since I don't write on my own anymore.

you're in mah bloglines, bitch!